A taste of what it's like to have a Social Life... again.

So on Tuesday i get a message from one of the girls that J and i met on Friday asking whether i wanted to meet up on Wednesday. She suggested a walk through the Stadtwald, which basically translates to 'City Forest' and so happens to be right near where she lives. I find out she doesn't live too far away from where we live, so i jump on the tram and i'm there in 3 stops. The weather is scorching hot at 31 degrees Celcius and once again the sky is clear of clouds.


It had been awhile since i was out and about with someone other than J. In fact since moving to this country my social life has dipped down to practically zero. Of course nobody's fault but my own. And even when we did come in contact with people, it seemed like very few knew how to speak English and carry a conversation. Or maybe they were pretending not to know in fear that they thought their English wasn't good enough.

Who knows.

Everyone has their own reason.



I'm not sure how far we walked but it didn't really matter. We just kept on walking and eventually finding a bench in the shade where we talked even more.


We chatted like we'd known one another for ages.

Or maybe that was just me starved of social contact and conversations, that i jumped at the chance to speak to anyone who was on the same wave length. But seriously, i was surprised how well we got along and how much we had in common. For instance she's taking a "time-out" from work whilst her husband is working and she too will be returning to German class next month after taking a few months off. And if that's not a coincidence, it helps to know that she's trying to adapt to her new life in Germany.


So anyway, while we're walking we're doing the whole nod, "Hallo" or "Guten Tag" to other passing dog owners whilst the dogs do their own kind of sniff and greet. I don't have a dog but i'm with someone who has a dog, so i feel automatically welcome.

And i notice unlike strangers who i pass on the street, dog owners take their time and before you know it a conversation is being started about what kind of breed the dog is. Which i found out earlier is a Boston Terrier. Then within seconds of talking, they switch to English half way through the conversation. I'm guessing they picked up that her accent wasn't German. And while they're talking i can't help but wonder how come that's never happened to me. How come everyone i come across seem to not know a word of English? Why do they seem so pissed off at the world or unimpressed with Life?

Maybe it's like those people who swear they always get bitten first by mosquitos even though they're in a room full of people. Maybe she projects some kind of vibe, an "English-speakers-flock-to-me" vibe.

*shrugs*


Maybe it's her 'Sweet Girl Next Door' look that she's got going on for her. I dunno. But what i do know is just when i meet someone i get along with, i'm already saying my farewells. But who knows, maybe we'll still be friends in years to come.

And ya know, it's true when they say when you leave a place what you end up missing most are the friends you've made.

But i guess that's just how the cookie crumbles.

Movin' to the Suburbs & into a new Home.

Waiting for the right apartment to show up online was proving to be nearly impossible and if there was one, it was way over our budget. So i'm guessing J's future boss found out that we weren't so successful in our hunt and was kind enough to fax us a list of apartments for rent [which only appears in the local papers twice a week].

And you know you can't judge a place by what is written or even photos, so you just have to physically be there to make a decision. So our original plan was to get a service apartment and check out all the 3-room apartments featured in the papers and stay until we found a place we both agree on.

And relying on real estate agents would be too expensive as we would have to pay them a fee should we agree on renting the place that they're showing. We're trying to avoid that. We ain't rich ya know!?

So then J's future boss calls him on Friday and says that she knows someone who's getting a divorce. And it so happens that they've just renovated their house and built it in such a way that there's another apartment upstairs. It comes with a kitchen, balcony and it's 70 square metres.

Basing it on our last viewing of the apartment we saw last week, we figured it couldn't get any worse. Plus it wouldn't hurt if we just saw it. We weren't getting desperate but i wouldn't be lying if i said, we were getting anxious as time was running out.

And so we're back onto the train on Sunday and keeping our fingers crossed.


1 hour and 57 minutes later J's future boss picks us up from the train station, which i thought was really nice of her and drives us to their work place, that way we could get a feel for the distance from his work to the apartment.

It took 8 minutes and 57 seconds, literally from door to door and without any traffic.

We've only google mapped the place and know that it's not too far out from the city centre. We're more concerned that whether there's a bus stop nearby, that way i don't have to rely on J to drive me around and i can get my arse to my German classes on time.

Yes.

I intend to enroll in German classes again when we get there. Depending on the class, i'll either start in September or in October.

So anyway, we eventually get to the road and it's lined with houses. And all i can think is, "WoooOoh".

Unlike the apartments we're used to or that is within our budget, this is deluxe! We currently live in a 8-family unit, meaning the block has 8 apartments [2 on each landing and 3 floors to a block]. Each block is then connected to 4 other blocks each with 8-family units.

Just so you know, houses or apartments in Germany don't really have fences or bars on their windows. It's a strange concept believe me, it took me a while to get used to it. I guess the crime rate is not so high compared to other countries. And between each neighbor is a hedge or wall, so one knows where ones land ends and the other begins.

So anyway, the current tenant wasn't at home so the owner gives us the tour. The tiles in the apartment look more like gray marble as they sparkle under the spot lights. And the thick cream coloured carpet in the bedrooms feel like clouds as i set foot on it. He informs us that re-did the insulation and that there shouldn't be any problem with noise traveling through the house. He also mentions he even installed heating in the bathroom tiles - Yay, no more cold feet in Winter!

As promised the apartment even comes with a fully equipped kitchen with a kitchen exhaust, one that we don't have to pay for or install. And from the looks of it, he invested a lot of money in doing up the place. And for the price that he's renting the apartment for there's no way we could get a place any better. Even our apartment in Düsseldorf is more expensive and smaller! We were lucky that our previous tenant left part of her kitchen meaning just the counter top and the sink.

We even get a huge balcony that looks over the garden. And from the looks of it he or his new girlfriend has a very green thumb, the garden looks well taken care of. And their neighbor even built a small pool in their backyard for their kids. Which i'm thinking at that point is great especially when Little L comes down for holidays for a few weeks, she at least has kids her own age that she can play with. Plus down the road, there's a massive playground, so she's bound to make friends there.

When we were done viewing the place, the owner then invited us to his apartment for a drink and i guess for him to chat with us and see if we got along. We sat out on his patio and my gawd, were we impressed. He had an open kitchen with stone flooring [which he also put heating in] and he even built in his speakers into the kitchen ceiling!

Seriously, the place was so much nicer than we had expected. And although we may need to paint our hallway to a brighter colour, that's nothing compared to what was invested into the whole place.

Overall, the feeling is good.

But i couldn't take any photos since the place wasn't empty and i didn't think it was right to bust out my camera in his garden but J did ask if i could take photos from the outside.

So here it is...


You can pretty much drive right up to the front door. See, there's no gates or fences. Behind where the car is parked there's a garage but the owner hasn't got around to sorting it out and is currently using it as a garden shed. But it's all good since he has 2 designated parking lots on the other side. And the best part is we don't have to pay for parking, whereas the previous apartment we looked at, we had to.

And this is the street... It's a bit 'Desperate Housewives-ish'.


Our balcony is at the end of the house and if my memory serves me right it's about the width of the house itself.

Yup we're no longer going to be city folk. We're moving to the 'burbs - the suburbs! Well technically we only have the upstairs and we share the basement but still, i never thought i would be living in a house. Not now, not any time soon.

We tell the owner we'll call him later to tell him our decision and after 2 hours of sitting on the train we make our decision and tell him the good news.

Seriously, it hasn't really sunk in that we're moving yet. I'm a little nervous but i think that's just the excitement brewing.

But the only problem is, we can only move in in October. Because that's when the tenant is moving out. The owner said it was ok that we leave our stuff in the cellar and the spare room until the guy moves out.

Now that we've found a place we can start packing up all our things. And by next weekend we should be outta here cause J starts work on September 1st.

On to our next mission which is to find a cheap service apartment either there or in the neighboring city...

Thank You Dinner

As a thank-you/farewell present J's client recommended 'Gatto Verde' an Italian restaurant near Düsseldorf airport that he often goes to. The client is apparently close friends with the owner and highly recommended us to go. He told J not to worry because "Bruno" the owner of the place would take care of us.

So the reservation was made at 7pm on Saturday and upon arrival there was another couple sipping their wine and getting the last few hours of the sun.


There were a number of wasps buzzing around, according to the news there's been some kind of invasion. So they're EVERYWHERE. So i'm guessing the waiter sees me flapping my arms around hoping the wasps don't sting me and returns with some 1 cent, 2 cent and 5 cent coins. He lays them on the table and tells us that apparently wasps and bees don't like the smell of copper. Whether that's an old wives tale or the actual truth, i didn't question it. In fact, if i could i would have stuck them all over my body.

And i'm not sure if the coins actually did its magic or it's because it was the wasps' bed time but they actually, kind of, disappeared after that.

*shrugs*

Bruno came soon after and asked other whether we preferred Fish or Meat. We chose Fish and he said, not to worry, a menu has been sorted out for us. It didn't take long for him to return with our glasses of wine and a basket of fresh bread with a bowl of sun dried tomatoes. Each table had their own giant pepper mill, bottles of olive oil and balsamic vinegar.


Then a mixed seafood platter with decent portions of shrimps, octopus and tuna arrived. I totally recommend the shrimps mixed with melon pieces, i'm thinking it was a shrimp cocktail.

Thumbs up to that!


Then for the main course there was some kind of fish platter with an assortment of fish sitting on sauteed vegetables and 2 over-sized king prawns. Accompanied by a side dish of salmon with pasta and roasted potatoes. Seriously, i was struggling to get through 2 pieces of fish, how was i going to get to the pasta? It felt like the sight of all that food made my stomach suddenly shrink. We ended up asking the waiter if we could take the pasta home - after all it's not nice to waste good food.

And no visit to an Italian restaurant would be complete without a taste of Tiramisu...


and lucky for us they had some. And i have to say it was absolutely delicious! Probably one of the best i've had so far. However the prices are a bit over our price range and budget. But the good thing is you're definitely getting quality AND quantity for the money you're spending. Lucky for us, we didn't have to pay.

*grins*

...

OMG yum! Thinking about food is making me hungry.

Is it dinner time yet? No.

Can it be.

Speaking The Same Language.

Where do i begin? The weekend has come and gone once again but this time it was filled with all sorts of news. To begin with on Friday, J and i had planned to go watch a movie. It had been awhile since we went out and did something together and with the stress of last week, we needed some time out from doing our usual routines.

So we decided to meet up in the city after he went to the dentist to get his stitches out because the week before he got 2 of his wisdom teeth removed.


But before heading to the movies, J suggested we get a quick bite at a restaurant around the corner. It looked rather fancy from the outside but it had a fast-food type concept. Each customer received a card and when you order your food, they just scan the card. Then in exchange t hey give you this device that looks like a mobile phone but flashes and beeps continuously when your order is ready for a pick up.

We had about 45 minutes till the movie started and we were nowhere near the actual cinema complex. J insisted that we'd be able to make it on time. I, on the other hand knew there was no way i could shove a whole pizza in my mouth but thought never mind, i'll just try. After all, i have a habit of not chewing my food properly and practically inhaling it.


The place was super full, so we decided to share a table with these 2 girls. [No i didn't take any photos of them. I thought it would be too stalker-ish if i busted out my camera and snapped away.] So i took a photo of J's reflection with the "Pasta section" in their open kitchen.


When our food arrived, J and i looked at each other and realised the 2 girls sitting next to us were speaking English. For most people it would be a normal thing but when you're so used to hearing German day-in and day-out and when you hear other people speak English, it's just strange.

It's as if you just want to go up them and hug them and say, OMG I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE SAYING! I know it's strange and i don't know how to explain it but believe me, if you've been starved of people who speak the same language as you, you'll know what i mean.

So yea, somehow it made concentrating on our own conversation so much harder. Both of us kept stopping mid-way and forgetting what we were saying.

Eventually J asks one of the girls sitting next to him, how they know English. And that pretty much started our 4+ hour conversation with them. Topics ranging from embarressing german experiences, understanding the language and life in general.

Turns out one of the girls is Canadian, 24 years old and learning German. The other is Egyptian but brought up in the UK, 31 and working as an English teacher but used to work as a graphic designer. They're both married and their husbands are art directors for an Advertising agency. It was strange how much we all had in common. In fact our reason for staying in Germany is for our man - which apparently, is very common. It's very rare to find people choosing to live in Germany just because of the country.

Blame it on Love or work commitments.

But it had been such a long time since J and i met people that were on the same wave length as us. And i'm sure if they didn't have to work the next day, we would have stayed out longer.

We laughed about all sorts of things. It was as if we had known them for ages and there wasn't a dull or awkward moment. As we swapped stories and drank our beers, for the first time my surrounding faded away and i was able to just focus on our table. It was like we knew these people for ages and there was that immediate connection.

And when we came home that night, we couldn't believe what a great night we had. And i couldn't help but wonder where were they the last 9 months!? And how it sucks that only now we meet them and now we're leaving!

So yea at last, J and i can actually say we've made friends in Düsseldorf and seeing that they too are on facebook, we can always keep in contact.

In fact, i think we even plan to meet up for a few drinks this week.

[To be continued]

Our Hunt Continues...

As you know we decided to take the train to Gütersloh. Which worked out fine since J's car has been acting up lately and J figured it would be safer since he hasn't had time to get to the mechanic yet. Plus by taking public transport we would be able to judge distances a little better.

So we met up at the main train station and we find out they're running a special deal for those travelers in Germany wanting to get to any part of Europe or within the country itself. This deal would only make sense if you're traveling with at least one other person or in a group as the return-ticket was valid for up to 5 people.

I guess it's Deutsche Bahn's [the railway company] way of promoting and luring travelers to go by train. And we calculated that had we taken the car we would have spent at least be 60 Euro for the petrol and that wouldn't have included parking.

So for 39 Euro for 2 [or 5 depending how many are traveling] and for BOTH WAYS, we that was an absolute steal!

Excited that we made the earlier the train we get on board and make ourselves comfortable. I comment how nice the train is and how we even have a table. We go so far as wiping the arm rests and part of the table with disinfection wipes i just bought. And J then points out how great it is that the carriage is practically empty and that we're relieved that we don't have to fight for a seat.


It takes us about 45 minutes to sink in the reason why it's so empty is because we're sitting in the wrong section. The fine print on the ticket states it's valid for only for 2nd class and excludes the ICE [the fast train]. We were sitting in 1st class and clearly shows by the bold '1' on the side panels.


So immediately we pack our things before the ticket guy came by in fear that we'd get told off or worse get fined for having the wrong ticket!

As we walk through the barely occupied 1st class carriages trying to find our way to 2nd class, we eventually get to an A4 printed sheet taped up to the glass window indicating the class change, followed by a carriage full of occupied seats.


We then turn to each other burst into laughter. "Ahhh, so that's where all the people were!"

Anyway, nearly 2 hours later we arrive and find our way to the bus station as our appointment to see the apartment isn't directly in the city centre. We're told it'll take about 25 minutes by bus [equivalent to 14 stops] and the return-ticket costs 7 Euros for 2. The ride itself is already quite far from J's new work place and further away from where i intend to go to school to learn German.

We arrive and we're 15 minutes early. Minutes later another lady arrives also interested in looking at the apartment. The real estate lady arrives and shows us around. We already know the place is too small and the location is too far out. But J pretends to be interested and continues to ask his questions.

Next!


After being somewhat disappointed and realising it's too late to walk into any other real estate agencies, we make our way back to the town centre. And since the newspapers that advertise for apartments only comes out on Wednesdays and Saturdays, we figured there wasn't much more we could do, so ended up treating ourselves with a few drinks and a nice dinner.


We find this great place called, 'Alex' and we both order the Caeser salad; mine is topped with shrimps and J orders it with fried salmon. The portions were huge and enough for a main course. The funny part was my shrimps tasted like chicken! Yes i know i'm vegetarian but i still remember what chicken tastes like. I reckon they were fried in the same oil that the fry meat in. Oh well. A little over done but the taste was definitely there!

We realised we were faraway from home and needed to make our way back before it got too late, so off to the train station we went; which so happened to be right around the corner.

...

2 and a half hours with my legs crossed and my bladder screaming for my attention again [damn that 2nd beer], i can't wait to get home as i can barely feel my arse!

So little time, so many decisions and considerations to make but our hunt for a new home continues...

Nothing Is What It Seems.

I woke up with a headache. In fact i still have one and i'm trying to remember where i hid that last strip of Paracetamol that i found yesterday. I have a habit of hiding things for "Emergency" cases.

But i'm probably just dehydrated. I also have a habit of not drinking enough water. And if i end up with super wrinkly skin when i'm old and crusty, i'll know who to blame. It doesn't help that it's become so humid that it just feeds my irritation.

So yesterday i broke down in front of J somewhere between Das Perfekte Dinner and a commercial. It started when i asked him what time we were leaving for Gütersloh tomorrow [which is today] and his reply was, The question is, do YOU want to go?

He wasn't talking about our day trip but in general. Saying that if i'm not happy, why should i move.

At that point i freaked out. What was he saying?

Speechless, as that wasn't the answer i was expecting.

And after what seemed like an hour of balling my eyes out and dribbling out whatever issue i had stuffed in my brain. I just sat there staring blankly at a wall while he sat on the other sofa.

It basically came down to whether i am willing to fight for this relationship - which i said i am and whether or not i'm willing to make an effort.

In my head i thought i was but i know down right, i'm not pulling my weight.

And as he simply put it, one shouldn't take Relationships for granted - neither one of us should.

Drama as that sounds but for the first time in our relationship i felt like i had disappointed him.

I'm jobless even though i have my own registered company and not progressing in my German makes my situation even harder. Yes it makes me feel like absolute shit.

As he sat there quiet for the most part of the conversation, he eventually pointed out many observations and one of them being my lack of social contact has backfired. Instead of something that brings me comfort, as i had insisted, it somehow has made me more withdrawn.

Of course he appreciates what i do when it comes to keeping our home in order but of late he has noticed instead of our home being a sanctuary and a safe haven, it's become somewhat of my own prison. And as clearly as he put it, at the rate that i'm going it wouldn't be long till i fall back into depression.
.
.
.
And how is he supposed to be happy if i'm not happy. How is he supposed to stay positive for 'us'.

I could blame my anxiety.

I could even blame my lack of motivation. I know i have to be confident in my German and without that effort it is proven that my Life here has become more difficult.

I could even say that, in my head, i think i've progressed. Obviously, not as much as people or J had hoped. But like he said, at one point he saw in me that there was a desire to get to know this place and even to get to know the language. Efforts that obviously paid off at the start and brought us closer.

But i'm not sure at what point did that start fading away.

Maybe i've taken this whole break from work for granted and instead of using that time to get to know my surroundings that extend our walls and fully integrate myself into the German culture, i've just pissed it away - obviously he didn't use those words or say that and i'm just paraphrasing.

That said, i still very much want to make our relationship work and that i love J very much just as he feels the same about me. But i better start making making more of an effort soon before i fuck it up even more and find myself on a plane heading back to my folks place.

It is clear what i have to do and that includes returning to German classes. And i'm not expecting anybody to give me advice, i just needed to voice this out.

...

Anyway, i have to start getting ready soon because we've decided to take the train up to Gütersloh. According to the timetable the Regional Express train will take approximately 1 hour and 54 minutes to get there. I'll be back soon to tell you whether or not we've found an apartment.

Stuck in a Rut and Feeling Overwhelmed.

The last week was extremely hot. It reached somewhere in the 30's and with no air-conditioning or a fan, i'm sure you can imagine how uncomfortable that was. But as fickle as the weather has been, the temperature today has dipped down again. And instead of the clear blue skies i had started to get used to, now the sky is back to German's typical grey-ish white self.

We've got about 3 weekends to go till we move and make our way north and start a new life. But our hunt for a new apartment continues.

Yup.

We're leaving at the end of the month and we've yet to find a new place. That said, on Tuesday we do have an appointment with a real estate lady to show us a few places. We're hoping we'll like at least one and then my realisation that we're actually leaving can finally sink in properly.

...

So the other day we had drinks with J's colleague and his colleagues' new love. I was in one of my moods and was in no mood to socialize but i figured since J really wanted to go for drinks, i thought it would do me some good to be out of the apartment and numb my thoughts.

J noticed i wasn't in the right frame of mind and offered to drive me back. I said i would be alright and agreed i'd keep him company.

Upon the new couples' arrival, i noticed they couldn't keep their hands off one another! Like a bunch of school kids, they were practically making out at the table. I wasn't sure where i was supposed to look. Yes, i was actually feeling uncomfortable. I tried to think back on how J and i were and i wondered if we were ever that obsessed with one another in front of others. It's one thing being all touchy-feely but sitting only an arms' length of someone else whilst they've got their tongue in each others' mouth in broad day light, i thought may be not so appropriate.

Call me conservative but i don't think that's polite.

ANYWAY...

The woman originally from Morocco doesn't speak English and the conversation was predominately in German with the occasional translation from J. And once again, i couldn't help but feel out of place. J's colleague i've met several times and although he doesn't really speak English, he does know a few words. When J asked why she doesn't speak English, her reply was something along the lines of, Why should i? I'm in Germany. I should speak German. And then was quick to add, I'm not in England, so why should I speak English.

I couldn't help but think that was a bit naïve.

When i heard this, i was a bit taken back. I'm not sure why i took it so personally. But unfortunately my lack of the german language meant i couldn't respond to her statement. Which probably was a good thing cause it probably would have ended up in an argument. So instead i shoved another piece of bread in my mouth and hoped the topic would change.

OK, so maybe she was right to some extent about being in a foreign country one should learn the language but i'm not sure whether i would have phrased it in the way that she did.

Well i understood part of their conversations but only of certain words and the rest i managed to stitch together to make some sense. Other times i managed to distract myself with the food on the table and tune out whenever it got too complicated - a habit i've learned from years of experience.

Maybe i took it personally and felt she was indirectly telling me it's my fault for not being able to join in the conversation because i can't speak German.

I mean she's not even German for Chrissake's.

Of course it helps that she's been living here for 5 years and her ability to speak French perhaps makes learning German slightly easier, all thanks to the genders of each noun.

And that's when i realised how much i really miss being able to sit down with a bunch of friends or strangers for that matter, and be able to strike up a conversation over nothing in particular in a my own mother tongue without thinking twice.

Every time i step out the door i have to gather my confidence to walk into a store and hope i don't start stressing that someone will talk to me and ask me a simple question. Then freaking out and not being able to answer, when clearly i knew what to say but somehow managed to get tongue tongued or say the wrong thing. Then reenacting what had just happened in my head and kicking myself for saying the wrong thing and feeling more like a sore thumb.

My frustration grows daily.

And so does the appearance of another bald patch the size of an index fingers' tip. Which of course replaces the previous one that miraculously grew back hair. Seriously, why can't my hair folicles' stay in place. I blame post-stress. I blame whatever i have that causes my hair to drop in patches.

...

And lately i've been finding myself reminiscing over the Life i once had and thinking of friendships. Maybe it's my lack of social contact that's made me more introvert. And the fact that i'm at home 24/7 makes me feel more secluded especially when i have to hear my own thoughts repeat themselves day in and day out. I think i'm slowly doing my own head in.

I've also noticed i've started to get irritated more easily. Angry at nothing in particular and suddenly feeling annoyed. Like a flip of a coin my mood switches from white to black. They say 'Moving' ranks high up on the list of stressful activities, so i'm hoping i can blame this episode for this change of attitude.

At times J catches me in one my "moods" and asks why am i so... annoyed/grumpy/whatever. So i just tell him, i just am and hopes he leaves me to it until i snap out of it.

But it's been a few days now and i can't get myself out of this so called mood or dark cloud.

I find myself rehearsing what i have to say in my head hoping my tone of voice doesn't sound irritated. In hope my tone doesn't start a misunderstanding. I try to minimize eye contact in case i burst into a thousand tears and start crying over nothing in particular.

Only to then wake up to me crying and desperately trying to keep silent whilst J lay sound asleep beside me. How can i tell him what's wrong, when i don't even know what's going on!?

...

As a result i've started to take Stilnox again just so i can sleep through the night. In turn, i'm hoping it will control what i believe to be my anxiety acting up and to stop me from crying over anything... and everything.

I can't help but think these are warning signs of, dare i say, a relapse? Oh god. I hope not.