The last week was extremely hot. It reached somewhere in the 30's and with no air-conditioning or a fan, i'm sure you can imagine how uncomfortable that was. But as fickle as the weather has been, the temperature today has dipped down again. And instead of the clear blue skies i had started to get used to, now the sky is back to German's typical grey-ish white self.
We've got about 3 weekends to go till we move and make our way north and start a new life. But our hunt for a new apartment continues.
Yup.
We're leaving at the end of the month and we've yet to find a new place. That said, on Tuesday we do have an appointment with a real estate lady to show us a few places. We're hoping we'll like at least one and then my realisation that we're actually leaving can finally sink in properly.
...
So the other day we had drinks with J's colleague and his colleagues' new love. I was in one of my moods and was in no mood to socialize but i figured since J really wanted to go for drinks, i thought it would do me some good to be out of the apartment and numb my thoughts.
J noticed i wasn't in the right frame of mind and offered to drive me back. I said i would be alright and agreed i'd keep him company.
Upon the new couples' arrival, i noticed they couldn't keep their hands off one another! Like a bunch of school kids, they were practically making out at the table. I wasn't sure where i was supposed to look. Yes, i was actually feeling uncomfortable. I tried to think back on how J and i were and i wondered if we were ever that obsessed with one another in front of others. It's one thing being all touchy-feely but sitting only an arms' length of someone else whilst they've got their tongue in each others' mouth in broad day light, i thought may be not so appropriate.
Call me conservative but i don't think that's polite.
ANYWAY...
The woman originally from Morocco doesn't speak English and the conversation was predominately in German with the occasional translation from J. And once again, i couldn't help but feel out of place. J's colleague i've met several times and although he doesn't really speak English, he does know a few words. When J asked why she doesn't speak English, her reply was something along the lines of, Why should i? I'm in Germany. I should speak German. And then was quick to add, I'm not in England, so why should I speak English.
I couldn't help but think that was a bit naïve.
When i heard this, i was a bit taken back. I'm not sure why i took it so personally. But unfortunately my lack of the german language meant i couldn't respond to her statement. Which probably was a good thing cause it probably would have ended up in an argument. So instead i shoved another piece of bread in my mouth and hoped the topic would change.
OK, so maybe she was right to some extent about being in a foreign country one should learn the language but i'm not sure whether i would have phrased it in the way that she did.
Well i understood part of their conversations but only of certain words and the rest i managed to stitch together to make some sense. Other times i managed to distract myself with the food on the table and tune out whenever it got too complicated - a habit i've learned from years of experience.
Maybe i took it personally and felt she was indirectly telling me it's my fault for not being able to join in the conversation because i can't speak German.
I mean she's not even German for Chrissake's.
Of course it helps that she's been living here for 5 years and her ability to speak French perhaps makes learning German slightly easier, all thanks to the genders of each noun.
And that's when i realised how much i really miss being able to sit down with a bunch of friends or strangers for that matter, and be able to strike up a conversation over nothing in particular in a my own mother tongue without thinking twice.
Every time i step out the door i have to gather my confidence to walk into a store and hope i don't start stressing that someone will talk to me and ask me a simple question. Then freaking out and not being able to answer, when clearly i knew what to say but somehow managed to get tongue tongued or say the wrong thing. Then reenacting what had just happened in my head and kicking myself for saying the wrong thing and feeling more like a sore thumb.
My frustration grows daily.
And so does the appearance of another bald patch the size of an index fingers' tip. Which of course replaces the previous one that miraculously grew back hair. Seriously, why can't my hair folicles' stay in place. I blame post-stress. I blame whatever i have that causes my hair to drop in patches.
...
And lately i've been finding myself reminiscing over the Life i once had and thinking of friendships. Maybe it's my lack of social contact that's made me more introvert. And the fact that i'm at home 24/7 makes me feel more secluded especially when i have to hear my own thoughts repeat themselves day in and day out. I think i'm slowly doing my own head in.
I've also noticed i've started to get irritated more easily. Angry at nothing in particular and suddenly feeling annoyed. Like a flip of a coin my mood switches from white to black. They say 'Moving' ranks high up on the list of stressful activities, so i'm hoping i can blame this episode for this change of attitude.
At times J catches me in one my "moods" and asks why am i so... annoyed/grumpy/whatever. So i just tell him, i just am and hopes he leaves me to it until i snap out of it.
But it's been a few days now and i can't get myself out of this so called mood or dark cloud.
I find myself rehearsing what i have to say in my head hoping my tone of voice doesn't sound irritated. In hope my tone doesn't start a misunderstanding. I try to minimize eye contact in case i burst into a thousand tears and start crying over nothing in particular.
Only to then wake up to me crying and desperately trying to keep silent whilst J lay sound asleep beside me. How can i tell him what's wrong, when i don't even know what's going on!?
...
As a result i've started to take Stilnox again just so i can sleep through the night. In turn, i'm hoping it will control what i believe to be my anxiety acting up and to stop me from crying over anything... and everything.
I can't help but think these are warning signs of, dare i say, a relapse? Oh god. I hope not.
We've got about 3 weekends to go till we move and make our way north and start a new life. But our hunt for a new apartment continues.
Yup.
We're leaving at the end of the month and we've yet to find a new place. That said, on Tuesday we do have an appointment with a real estate lady to show us a few places. We're hoping we'll like at least one and then my realisation that we're actually leaving can finally sink in properly.
...
So the other day we had drinks with J's colleague and his colleagues' new love. I was in one of my moods and was in no mood to socialize but i figured since J really wanted to go for drinks, i thought it would do me some good to be out of the apartment and numb my thoughts.
J noticed i wasn't in the right frame of mind and offered to drive me back. I said i would be alright and agreed i'd keep him company.
Upon the new couples' arrival, i noticed they couldn't keep their hands off one another! Like a bunch of school kids, they were practically making out at the table. I wasn't sure where i was supposed to look. Yes, i was actually feeling uncomfortable. I tried to think back on how J and i were and i wondered if we were ever that obsessed with one another in front of others. It's one thing being all touchy-feely but sitting only an arms' length of someone else whilst they've got their tongue in each others' mouth in broad day light, i thought may be not so appropriate.
Call me conservative but i don't think that's polite.
ANYWAY...
The woman originally from Morocco doesn't speak English and the conversation was predominately in German with the occasional translation from J. And once again, i couldn't help but feel out of place. J's colleague i've met several times and although he doesn't really speak English, he does know a few words. When J asked why she doesn't speak English, her reply was something along the lines of, Why should i? I'm in Germany. I should speak German. And then was quick to add, I'm not in England, so why should I speak English.
I couldn't help but think that was a bit naïve.
When i heard this, i was a bit taken back. I'm not sure why i took it so personally. But unfortunately my lack of the german language meant i couldn't respond to her statement. Which probably was a good thing cause it probably would have ended up in an argument. So instead i shoved another piece of bread in my mouth and hoped the topic would change.
OK, so maybe she was right to some extent about being in a foreign country one should learn the language but i'm not sure whether i would have phrased it in the way that she did.
Well i understood part of their conversations but only of certain words and the rest i managed to stitch together to make some sense. Other times i managed to distract myself with the food on the table and tune out whenever it got too complicated - a habit i've learned from years of experience.
Maybe i took it personally and felt she was indirectly telling me it's my fault for not being able to join in the conversation because i can't speak German.
I mean she's not even German for Chrissake's.
Of course it helps that she's been living here for 5 years and her ability to speak French perhaps makes learning German slightly easier, all thanks to the genders of each noun.
And that's when i realised how much i really miss being able to sit down with a bunch of friends or strangers for that matter, and be able to strike up a conversation over nothing in particular in a my own mother tongue without thinking twice.
Every time i step out the door i have to gather my confidence to walk into a store and hope i don't start stressing that someone will talk to me and ask me a simple question. Then freaking out and not being able to answer, when clearly i knew what to say but somehow managed to get tongue tongued or say the wrong thing. Then reenacting what had just happened in my head and kicking myself for saying the wrong thing and feeling more like a sore thumb.
My frustration grows daily.
And so does the appearance of another bald patch the size of an index fingers' tip. Which of course replaces the previous one that miraculously grew back hair. Seriously, why can't my hair folicles' stay in place. I blame post-stress. I blame whatever i have that causes my hair to drop in patches.
...
And lately i've been finding myself reminiscing over the Life i once had and thinking of friendships. Maybe it's my lack of social contact that's made me more introvert. And the fact that i'm at home 24/7 makes me feel more secluded especially when i have to hear my own thoughts repeat themselves day in and day out. I think i'm slowly doing my own head in.
I've also noticed i've started to get irritated more easily. Angry at nothing in particular and suddenly feeling annoyed. Like a flip of a coin my mood switches from white to black. They say 'Moving' ranks high up on the list of stressful activities, so i'm hoping i can blame this episode for this change of attitude.
At times J catches me in one my "moods" and asks why am i so... annoyed/grumpy/whatever. So i just tell him, i just am and hopes he leaves me to it until i snap out of it.
But it's been a few days now and i can't get myself out of this so called mood or dark cloud.
I find myself rehearsing what i have to say in my head hoping my tone of voice doesn't sound irritated. In hope my tone doesn't start a misunderstanding. I try to minimize eye contact in case i burst into a thousand tears and start crying over nothing in particular.
Only to then wake up to me crying and desperately trying to keep silent whilst J lay sound asleep beside me. How can i tell him what's wrong, when i don't even know what's going on!?
...
As a result i've started to take Stilnox again just so i can sleep through the night. In turn, i'm hoping it will control what i believe to be my anxiety acting up and to stop me from crying over anything... and everything.
I can't help but think these are warning signs of, dare i say, a relapse? Oh god. I hope not.
2 comments:
think i can relate bits and pieces of how you're feeling. i've had the occasional cry-to-sleep (without knowing why) nights too...
whatever it is that seems to inject doom and gloom into your thoughts and emotions, i hope you'll learn how to block it out and have happier and healthy thoughts!
hang in there... :)
Thanks Ms. Redd, i can always rely on you to see the brighter things in Life.
It's really comforting to know that some people actually can relate or in fact give a shit about what's going on in my Life.
Hugs... xox
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