Nothing Is What It Seems.

I woke up with a headache. In fact i still have one and i'm trying to remember where i hid that last strip of Paracetamol that i found yesterday. I have a habit of hiding things for "Emergency" cases.

But i'm probably just dehydrated. I also have a habit of not drinking enough water. And if i end up with super wrinkly skin when i'm old and crusty, i'll know who to blame. It doesn't help that it's become so humid that it just feeds my irritation.

So yesterday i broke down in front of J somewhere between Das Perfekte Dinner and a commercial. It started when i asked him what time we were leaving for Gütersloh tomorrow [which is today] and his reply was, The question is, do YOU want to go?

He wasn't talking about our day trip but in general. Saying that if i'm not happy, why should i move.

At that point i freaked out. What was he saying?

Speechless, as that wasn't the answer i was expecting.

And after what seemed like an hour of balling my eyes out and dribbling out whatever issue i had stuffed in my brain. I just sat there staring blankly at a wall while he sat on the other sofa.

It basically came down to whether i am willing to fight for this relationship - which i said i am and whether or not i'm willing to make an effort.

In my head i thought i was but i know down right, i'm not pulling my weight.

And as he simply put it, one shouldn't take Relationships for granted - neither one of us should.

Drama as that sounds but for the first time in our relationship i felt like i had disappointed him.

I'm jobless even though i have my own registered company and not progressing in my German makes my situation even harder. Yes it makes me feel like absolute shit.

As he sat there quiet for the most part of the conversation, he eventually pointed out many observations and one of them being my lack of social contact has backfired. Instead of something that brings me comfort, as i had insisted, it somehow has made me more withdrawn.

Of course he appreciates what i do when it comes to keeping our home in order but of late he has noticed instead of our home being a sanctuary and a safe haven, it's become somewhat of my own prison. And as clearly as he put it, at the rate that i'm going it wouldn't be long till i fall back into depression.
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And how is he supposed to be happy if i'm not happy. How is he supposed to stay positive for 'us'.

I could blame my anxiety.

I could even blame my lack of motivation. I know i have to be confident in my German and without that effort it is proven that my Life here has become more difficult.

I could even say that, in my head, i think i've progressed. Obviously, not as much as people or J had hoped. But like he said, at one point he saw in me that there was a desire to get to know this place and even to get to know the language. Efforts that obviously paid off at the start and brought us closer.

But i'm not sure at what point did that start fading away.

Maybe i've taken this whole break from work for granted and instead of using that time to get to know my surroundings that extend our walls and fully integrate myself into the German culture, i've just pissed it away - obviously he didn't use those words or say that and i'm just paraphrasing.

That said, i still very much want to make our relationship work and that i love J very much just as he feels the same about me. But i better start making making more of an effort soon before i fuck it up even more and find myself on a plane heading back to my folks place.

It is clear what i have to do and that includes returning to German classes. And i'm not expecting anybody to give me advice, i just needed to voice this out.

...

Anyway, i have to start getting ready soon because we've decided to take the train up to Gütersloh. According to the timetable the Regional Express train will take approximately 1 hour and 54 minutes to get there. I'll be back soon to tell you whether or not we've found an apartment.