Down to 3

Instead of heading back to my folks flat after the airport, we're going to exit this little concrete island and check-in to my temporary home away from home by the border. I figured it would be nice to have some private time first since we will end up coming back and staying at my folks place for Christmas eve.

OooOh and i've also booked 2 nights at The Scarlet... *grins*

...

I'm not so much a religious person but i'm asking God [or anyone out there who's eavesdropping], to please let this Christmas holiday be stress-free! Here's wishing everyone gets along ie. no arguments or confrontations to occur.

HAPPY, HAPPY THOUGHTS!

3 more hours to go.
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Can you hear my heart beat?

27 hours and counting...

Stolen from BITE blog

[Please note: Attachment above has NO relation to the story below. Apologies in advance. I just figured a bit of Masuimi Max would add some sparkle to the page plus Christmas is just around the corner].

...

It feels so surreal to know that in approximately 27 hours i will be standing at the arrival hall. There i'll be waiting for him to get off his 13 hour flight and then having to impatiently wait for him to take his suitcase off the baggage carousel.

I've imagined this moment over and over but actually watching it come to life is a whole different story. Will we be shy or will it be a huge homecoming moment? Trying to catch that initial reaction is priceless, it's that split moment that our eyes lock that we'll know whether the chemistry is as valid as i think it is.

The suspense is making my heart beat faster.

The more that i think about it the more it makes me nervous. Don't get me wrong, i'm absolutely over the moon that i'll be seeing my man. Perhaps we're both still wrapped in that honeymoon stage of lust. Needless to say 7 days is no indication of whether a confirmed future is on our hands but the past 3 months we've allowed it to take its course and as a result, we're being reunited. Not knowing what would become of us has somehow left an air of mystery to both of our lives.

Again, Good Things Happen in Threes.

This holiday is like a test to see whether we're durable. It's one thing dealing with our daily stresses, commitments and responsibilities on our own but it's another, when one has to share it with another being. It takes a lot of getting used to especially since i've been in Single Ville for quite some time but i'm ready to move on. Yes, we've agreed to take it one step at a time but i can't help but look at the bigger picture... there are so many factors to consider. But i THINK it can work out, in this case, Time will only tell. Yes i know it's cheesy but hey, nothin' wrong with a bit of cheese in ones' life, right?

Fortunately, we have this time to get to know one another.

And i do believe there are some things in life that require no spoken or written words. The simple touch of a hand can do wonders, a connection that's invisible to the naked eye. I guess that's where chemistry comes in.

It's the simple things that people often take for granted.

But we both agree there has always been a friendship, it started when we were 13. Naive to a certain degree and inexperienced because Life was only beginning. Our lives ran parallel when we moved countries and we eventually lost contact with one another. 14 years later, we still laugh and look at each other as if we're 13.

Perhaps both of our pasts somehow led us to meet again and it was a case of 'the right time and right place' syndrome.

They say one learns from their past and i make a conscious effort to look back onto mine to see what went wrong. Not so much scared that i might lose myself in the process since i believe it's through experience that one can fully appreciate a moment, be it good or bad but i am evolving and learning new things about myself that perhaps i never thought i could do.

There's so much Change going on both internally and externally.

In the meantime, some memories have disappeared whilst others have left deep scars. Communication is key in all relationships, more so in long-distance ones.

I like to think we're like a modern day fairytale rated both PG13 and X-rated depending on the season. An honest relationship laced with Drama, Suspense and Comedy. Our next episode is roughly 13 days long and as much as i'm trying to stay level-headed i know our farewell is always in the back of my head. This New Year countdown marks possibly something greater in both of our lives and perhaps an end to suffering. [Believe me, it's probably more drama than you think].

To all my silent readers: Happy holidays!

PS. Can you believe i've added a Relationships Label. Damn... who would have thought. I guess times are changing and i'm moving on... finally.

It's not so bad being a woman after all.

Today i made it to my 2.30pm appointment and for the next 21 days i can only hope Yasmin and i will be the best of friends. I reckon any serious side effects will only be felt after the 1st month... so we'll see.

I was in and out of her office within minutes and because of that she was nice enough to waiver the consultation fee. Isn't that nice? I later jumped on the train and made my way to the city to start my Christmas shopping adventure. And although i haven't completed my whole list, i think i did pretty well considering i walked around for... 6 hours.

The weather wasn't exactly great. It pissed down pretty much the whole day but most of the time i was walking in and out of shops and department stores, it didn't really bother me.

I eventually found myself looking for lingerie. UH-OH!

With so many designs, textures, colours and cuts on the market, it was so difficult for me to find something that i liked let alone see myself flounce around in or anyone else for that matter. Which is probably why it took me so long. I'm quite particular about what i wear, not so much the brand but how it looks and feels.

I'm sure most women will agree there's something about wearing really nice undergarments that makes a woman feel extra special no matter what she's wearing on the outside. She could wear the most beat up outfit but if she's wearing something really saucy underneath, it can make all the difference to how the woman feels overall and how she projects herself to others. Try it, it's great!

So half a dozen lingerie shops and department stores later, i found a few that i liked. There was this gorgeous corset but i couldn't justify paying over 300 especially if it would only be worn a few times. Overall, i'm happy with my choices. Obviously splurging on lingerie was not entirely for my own benefit. My man travels half way across the world, it's the least that i can do.

So yea, now i am absolutely knackered.

But my Christmas pressie hunting does not end there, it continues tomorrow after lunch. Who knows where i'll end up or what i'll end up whipping my credit card out for next.

I firmly believe shopping is evil but hey, it's damn right therapeutic and a definite Time waster.

CREDIT CARD REMINDER: Remember the exchange rate!

Better Safe Than Sorry.

:: Dance with Shadows ::

PAST: It was nearly 3 years ago that i was diagnosed with hyperthyroidism and roughly 2 and a half years ago when i broke down into a blubber of tears in front of my thyroid doctor. I was going through a really rough time with work, my relationship of 8 years was at its end and my thyroid levels were extremely high which meant my hormones were out of whack. I could say i was a complete mess.

Without warning, she ushered me to see a shrink.

I can't begin by telling you how much of an ass i thought he was. Laughter was his way of dealing with it. Not that i would bust out in giggles but more like each story i revealed he'd laugh it off and made me think nothing was wrong. I begged to differ.

Seriously, what kind of professional laughs at their suicidal patient? It didn't take long for me to change psychiatrists.

It got so bad that facing the outside world felt like a threat to my existence. Nothing anyone did or say could have helped. I was in a very dark place mentally. His only solution was to immediately write me a prescription for anti-depressants. I was informed that it would take a few weeks for my body to adjust. The initial dosage did jack shit, in fact i felt even worse. Panic attacks followed after and i found myself wanting to hide away from the world. Which is when he doubled the dosage and only then did i feel an ounce of relief.

But then i lost all form of emotions and it got far worse before it got better.

PRESENT: 2 and a half years, 2 relapses later, thyroid levels back to normal, jobless, Shrink #2 and alternating my days on half the dosage [depending on how my brain feels], i'm feeling much better! I would say the last few months has made all the difference.

Evident in the topics that i write about and how i feel overall, there seems to be a trend in positivity. In recent months i've made an effort to cut down on my drinking and attempted to quit smoking [but unfortunately failed... BUT I WILL TRY AGAIN].

And with this current relationship i am in, it has in fact sparked Happiness to return. I can't tell you how great it is to have my thoughts quietened down and not feel like the world is out to get me [although i have my moments, don't we all?]. I feel like my days where i wake up wondering whether that day will be my last have now diminished and death is no longer one of my options.

...

You could say i'm extremely excited that my beau is flying half way across the world to see me! Oh my gawd, 4 more days to go! It is obvious what is on top our agenda when we're behind closed doors. I can't believe it's been 2 and half months already!

So the other day i made an appointment to see a new gynae. Not exactly a tourist attraction when one first arrives in a new country but i figured it was necessary due to the circumstances. And although i've never had the "Bees and the Birds" talk with the parentals, the topic of The Pill has come up various times in the past few weeks. Believe me, it's not something i CHOOSE to speak about over lunch but it happened. Trust me, i've had worse!

We all agree, now is NOT the time to take any chances. Don't get me wrong, one day i hope to have children but with so many things to factor in, it's better to be safe than sorry. So i decided to take an extra precaution and made an appointment at the nearest Women's clinic.

Now that's when i found out.

No, no... there is NO bun in the oven. Apparently because of the meds i'm on, the doc is hesitant to prescribe The Pill to me because it will effect the potency of both and may stress out my liver even more. But then again, knocking back whiskey doesn't do me any favors either. She insists that i see a counselor just to make sure i have someone "looking after me" should i have a relapse or anything chronic happens.

Yes, this would mean Shrink #3. My appointment is fixed for the 3rd of January.

She recommends i get an IUD, also known as a coil, it involves inserting this T shaped device into my cervix. But the thought of having ANYTHING inserted that far up doesn't quite sit comfortably in my brain, if ya know what i mean... especially if they say it can last 3-5 years.

I already know every doctor will say that the combination of AD's and oral contraceptives is not good. She recommends a NOVA-T [which has a copper coil and is toxic to sperm] or Mirena which is 3 times the price but releases hormones at a steady rate. BUT after reading several forums online, the nightmares that women have gone through doesn't seem all that favorable.

She then tells me to hop onto the table and does an ultrasound scan. Explaining every step of the way and what each shadow on the screen represents. She says, everything seems perfectly fine and gives me a print out as a souvenir. Phew... my ovaries are intact and everything is within normal range of one another.

She says i can go ahead with the IUD should i choose to and there shouldn't be a problem. I told her i would think about it overnight but i still made the appointment for the next day [only to cancel it the next day because i'm still unsure].

So later that evening i'm googling various methods of contraceptives. Some side effects are more harsh than others and each method has its pros and cons. Nothing is 100% safe except obviously abstinence but i'll be honest and say in the next 2 weeks, that ain't gonna happen!

One would think i would have thought of this years ago especially since i was in an 8 year relationship but i guess one never really thinks about these things in the heat of the moment. Often one relies on Lady Luck to be on their side 24/7 and so far i've been lucky! *Knocks on wood*

I know it only takes ONE good swimmer to hit the bullseye.

As for my boyfriend's past track record, well let's just say he's won gold... twice! So neither one of us want to take any chances and he's insisting we take double precautions. I haven't decided which method i'd go with but i've gone ahead and made an appointment for tomorrow anyway.

Wish me luck!

... Damn it, that leaves me one less day for Christmas shopping.

How high is your self-esteem?

You have scored 58.

What your scoring means

Good self-esteem on the whole. But you sometimes fail to believe in yourself enough. Remember you are a special and unique person. Many people in this category feel confident in what they do for a living and get a lot of affirmation from that. It's important, however, to feel good about who you ARE, not just about what you do. Have a think about this.

How high is your self-esteem? *click to do the online test*

The Kitty Foster Family

:: Well hello there, Fancy seeing you here ::

The other day i found Satan's spawn perched by the hotel sofa. At first i thought he was watching Discovery [you've seen those World's Funniest Home Videos] but he wasn't. He was mesmorized by his reflection on the back of the book shelf! Vain as he is... i'm guessing he hadn't seen a 4 legged creature for awhile. I'm sure he doesn't even think he's a cat. And if it weren't for the bell around his neck that would jingle each time he would attempt to some extreme yoga pose, i'm sure i'd trip up on him more than i did.

I guess from the time he was the size of my shoe, he always found comfort as being my shadow. Wherever i was in my apartment it was necessary that he be witness. Never mind that i had to distort my body so he had enough space. Or welcome the idea of a peeping tom[cat] peering through the shower curtains. Yes i know i bitched and moaned about the times he attacked me with his rice grain teeth but all in all, he will always be my little silent stalker that i love very much.

So when my dad mentioned to me that when i'd make the move to the little concrete island, my first thoughts were, what about Satan's spawn? Initially, i was going to put him into quarantine [apparently it's a one month sentence] and i'd take him to my parent's flat. But my mom's fear is the whole drama of the move and suddenly having to be put into a 4-wall cell may cause him to go even more nuts. There were so many factors that needed to be taken into consideration.

So then it went to Plan B. Get a foster family to care for him until Chrissie gets her shit sorted and gets a job, so then she can find her own pad and then make the move less stressful for the kitty.

Originally, i was supposed to hand him over on the Sunday i arrived. But my dad figured the drive down was enough to stress him out, why not i hang on to him for one more night. I observed his ways and seemed to adjust fine. Even finding his way to his litter box without a problem. Nobody likes stained carpets. Then it ended up being 2 nights.

By the 11th i had to give him up.

I went along to the Purchasing Officer Lady's house [the new foster family]. She has two cats, one black tomcat aged 2 years and a white pregnant 1 year old female. We drove up to their small house and i noticed there was no netting to prevent the cats from making an escape.

Uh oh.

As i walked in with my "city" cat and his basket of treats, i was greeted by her family who were eager to meet the boss' daughter's cat. The tomcat draped his lazy self by the cupboard opening one lazy eye and the female stubby tailed kitten flounced her way past to make herself noticed.

AND THEN that's when Satan's spawn's true colours came out. He hissed, growled and made a huge fuss. No amount of reassuring or petting could have eased him. He was so confused, I'm sure all he was thinking was, who were these strange people and why are they touching me?

I found out later he only left his carrier the day after to eat and then soon after found refuge in his small space. Crapping all over the place to mark whatever little territory he has but apparently that is "normal" for cats. And only now he's beginning to trust The Husband. Only HE is allowed to put the food out and then only then will Satan's spawn follow.

As for the relationship between the other cats and Satan's spawn, all i know is that they're scared shitless of him.

:: Up close and way too personal ::

I tried to take a nice photo of him and i lying on the floor, you know those tear jerking owner and pet shots BUT i guess resting his arse on my head was his way of showing his LOVE.

New digits

So i made it over without much of a fuss. The weather hasn't exactly been beautiful but seeing that it's the monsoon season, it's not like much can be done.

Since i've arrived i've been busy taking my mom out and accompanying her to do her errands. It hasn't really hit that, yes... i will be here permanently. But i guess once the new year rolls in and i go for interviews, i'm sure reality will find it's way back. Yes i will eventually flee the nest... again and look for my own pad even though i love my parentals dearly, i do like my own space and independence. But until that day comes again, i guess it's nice to not come home to an empty apartment for a change.

And with 90% of my things still being housed at my temporary home by the border, it still feels like i'm only here on a visit... much like an extended holiday. As usual my dad will arrive on Saturday and will be bringing over one of my other suitcases with the clothes that i think i'll be wearing for the next month or two. My nomad lifestyle is slowly coming to a close but until i get my new place and Satan's spawn returns, home doesn't really feel like home, if ya know what i mean.

But apart from adjusting to a new bed... again and being surrounded by a mix of my distant past and recent activities, i think things are slowly falling into place. Finally.

Can you believe ONE more week to go until my man arrives? It's all going so fast, i'm getting more and more excited. I still haven't sorted out my Christmas shopping and i still have no idea what to get.

oOoooooer... Naughty or Nice?

...

Today the sun was out for a change and so my mom and i decided to head out. Well more like she spent it at the hairdresser's and i was busy looking at phone deals. Originally, i had planned on getting a prepaid but after speaking to several representatives and browsing through leaflets it would end up being more cost effective if i signed a contract. I guess that's why they're there... to lure people like me to signing up with them! And with mom being a citizen it meant that i could have it under her name and that also meant i didn't have to pay that ridiculous expatriate fee. It sucks that expats have to pay much more than locals.

But being a sucker for deals, i noticed there was an offer for contracts and new mobiles. Previously, a Samsung user but never really a loyal customer, i decided to give in and ended up getting the Sandy beige coloured Sony Ericsson K770i. Best part was i only paid S$68. Why not? Hell, i'm starting a new chapter, why not a new phone to go along with it... yes i know that's a lame excuse, oh well.

So for the past hour or so, i've been slowly getting accustomed to the menu and its features. I'm sure half of the shit in there i won't ever use but hey, nothing beats playing with a new toy.

Crossing over

It's official.

In a few minutes i will be declared a Tourist. I will be crossing the border and handing over the A4 piece of paper to the immigration and showing the coloured stamp in my passport that clearly states i MUST exit the country by the 12th... that's today.

Where oh where has Time gone?

Finally... it's done!

[Obelix courtesy of asterix.co.nz]

Done.

After much scrubbing, vacuuming, disposing and much thanks to my dad who helped do the hardcore cleaning because the dust would be way too much for me. And because for ONCE i was organised and packed before schedule, most of the things we were done on Saturday evening. The timing couldn't have been any better. Then Sunday noon the movers came and within minutes my boxes were neatly organised at the back of the truck... if only packing were that fast!

For those of you who have read the comic strip, Asterix may know the character, Obelix, he is known to have super human strength. Well one of the guys that helped move my boxes could be the Asian human equivalent. It seemed like the 2 flights of stairs weren't a problem and his determination simply amazed my dad and i. For such a little man he had incredible speed! It seemed like no matter what the weight he just hoisted it up on his shoulder as if he were carrying a bag of feathers!

The most heaviest item was a bookcase filled with all sorts of items, we then wrapped it in a blanket and bound it with string. Clearly it would need at least 2 people, if not more to carry it. But nooOooo the Asian Obelix picked it up and off he went.

It was amazing!

As planned by 1pm i handed over the keys to the landlady and she wrote out a cheque for my deposit. It's amazing how a bit of elbow grease, sweat and MAJOR spring cleaning can transform a place. We made a pit stop at the hospital to pick up my month supply of meds and off we went.

The drive itself was smooth, accompanied by several down pours and 4 roadside accidents. For the first half the journey i had kitty and his carrier on my lap. I'm sure he was super confused since being in the CARRIER usually equals to a visit to the vet OR he'll be staying in some cage whilst i disappeared for a long weekend, road trip or some impromptu random getaway.

But this time it was different. Every few seconds of silence he would follow it by minutes of repetitive meowing, which made it nearly impossible to take a nap. I even tried playing my dad's favorite Enya cd in the car hoping it would keep him calm.

It didn't.

So dad being the champion that he is, said it would be less stressful and a better idea if Satan's Spawn stay one night at the hotel. Then the next day, the woman who is supposedly going to care for him will drop by and collect him. Of course i was ecstatic since that meant i could spend a night with him.

So yea, I don't have to say bye just yet.

He snooped around the apartment, squeezing himself into every nook and cranny then jumped on everything to get a good look at his surroundings. Scouting the area like one big playground before deciding which spot was his favorite.

Then last night i watched TV in bed from yet another temporary bed and soon enough found his spot in the middle of the mattress and took advantage of my body warmth. It was as if nothing had changed, it was nice to fall asleep with the sound of purring in the background. And because he's litter trained and i know he won't tear up the place, i can have visitation rights and bring him to my temporary home away from home by the border.

I know i'll miss him but i know our separation isn't permanent.

...

It's been raining practically all day which makes Beddy Bye Time look MIGHTY FINE right about now. I might as well take advantage of all the sleep i can get. ooOOoooer... It's great to be jobless on holiday!

Checking Out

The time is drawing near.
.
.
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I'm about to check out and am heading to the apartment to wait for the truck to arrive. I haven't had a moment to sit back and digest it all. I've just been so very busy! My puny muscles hurt from scrubbing and carrying all the boxes around. But i reckon the 3 plus hour car ride will allow me some breathing space so i can sink into the front seat and pass out.

Be Right Back!

In 2 weeks!

[OMFG... a complete Care Bears & Rainbows moment]

So i'm a little shell shocked. In fact i'm VERY flattered. Maybe that's not even the right word. Excited, nervous, anxious... SO happy, could describe how i feel. I have no expectations but at the same time, i can't help but wish for EVERYTHING to go smoothly, wouldn't we all?

It feels like only days ago we stood by the escalators and i shed some tears as we said farewell. Not knowing what would happen next but that we agreed it was the most 'amazing' week. Where has Time gone? It took a little over two months, daily phone calls, over a hundred emails later and a realisation that we had to see one another again soon, for him to make the next move.

No! Nobody is relocating.
.
.
.
Not anytime soon anyway.

SERIOUSLY!? Who would have thought, Chrissie would find SOMEONE let alone have the guy jump on a plane and travel half way across the world to spend their holiday with her? It's so surreal.

Hmmm... i guess this means this guy MUST really like me, eh? eheheheh...

For a minute there, i was actually nervous breaking the news to the parentals. I felt like i was 13 again asking them if i could have a friend let alone a guy stay over. [Reason being that i'll be crashing at my parents place as of next week]. But we've agreed, we'd run away and stay elsewhere for most of the time... oOOoooer... we're checking into a hotel.

They've never met him and they've only heard bits and pieces from my weekly phone calls back home. The last time i introduced someone as my "boyfriend" AND had him stay in my room under their roof was when i was 16! And even THAT was a bit risque back then. But we had been together for just over a year and they had met him several times before that.

Boyfriend.

It still sounds foreign to my ears. Maybe if i keep chanting it to myself, i'll get used to it and it'll embed itself into my consciousness. But why is it when i say, "Partner" it doesn't sound as if it belongs in the high school ranks? I guess it can also suggest a "same-sex" relationship or something far more serious like one is married.

No, no, no... we're taking ONE STEP at a time.

Hello! I'm not that delusional. I still have my career to sort out and we both have our lives to figure out. The only difference is, we're taking each other into consideration.

ooOOooo... it sounds all so grown up. Even admitting to being IN a relationship is a HUGE step for me. I can't believe SOMEONE out there would bother to travel thousands of kilometres just to see ME! It's been so long since i've looked forward to Christmas and even more so the New Year. I'm so excited, i could throw up!

I guess wishes do come true after all.

Would you like fries with that?

The past few nights i've been trying to catch up with ole' friends, these are the very same people whom i usually see annually, be it Christmas or some random birthday celebration. But as the days are drawing closer and closer and the contents of my apartment are being grouped together in several sized boxes, the realisation that i'm actually leaving... for good... hasn't even sunk in.

Hmmm... I will bet you it will hit me the second i least expect it. But then again, it's not like i'm thaaaaat far away. Right?

Nugget and i found some empty boxes by the roadside last night, clearly they were made to be taken. It was my inner bag lady that busted out of the car and grabbed as many as i could and shoved them in her boot. Not really paying so much attention to what kind of boxes they were except that they were in good condition. Having left the MACFRIES + BEEF PATTIES boxes in the boot, Nugget was convinced the funky smell was coming from the back.

But after close examination, alls well. Lucky for me there were no left overs and the sniffer dogs aren't attracted to the scent of old potatoes and ground carcass bits.

But seriously! I've got more important things going on, like number crunching.

No thanks to my previous agency, it's taken me longer to cancel my work permit because THEY hadn't cleared my taxes even though i had thought everything was done once i resigned. But all thanks to the very kind Finance lady at my previous office, she's gone ahead and helped me clear them. Who knew that as an expat one must be in the country NO LESS than 182 days otherwise one gets taxed some obscene amount. So far i'm counting my lucky stars!

So whilst i continue to sort out loose ends, i'll just wait patiently for Friday and hope everything goes smoothly. All i need is to sort out my clothes, finish off packing, get my passport/letter of reference and an A4 piece paper from immigration that basically says, "Bon Voyage! Now You Can Fuck Off".

***

ooOOoooo oOOoo oooo *jumpin around like a monkey* Some exciting news to share, after a phone call this morning, my 2007 Christmas wish MAY come true after all!!! *Keeping my fingers crossed but until it's confirmed, i can't really say anything AS YET*

And if that doesn't get you excited December's forecast is looking MIGHTY fine... and also quite freaky since it even states [sourrce: Astrologyzone.com Pisces: DECEMBER 2007]

Jupiter will visit your 11th house of friends, associates, and new contacts, so the one thing you can count on in 2008 is that you will have a chance to make many new friends. You may have been working so hard this year that you didn't have the time to socialize and may not have noticed that you and some of your old friends have been drifting apart as you picked up new interests. If you recently moved to a new neighborhood, you may not have had the time to meet new people and make new friends, and you may have felt the lack of close contact. Now, all that will be redressed, and you should see results fairly soon!

And if that's not enough,

One more surprise is due - the luckiest day of the year will arrive on December 23! This day will also be the full moon in Cancer! Wow! How lucky can you get? Cancer rules your house of true love, bringing feelings to their fullest point. Dear Pisces, on this weekend, romance and friendship should sparkle brightly for you!
...

Romantically, this could be a very strong month. Venus will glide in fellow water sign Scorpio, increasing your charm and ability to freely express your deepest feelings.

WooOooh...

Oh THERE it is...

[Satan's Spawn isn't much help when it comes to sorting things out]

In the past 3 hours i've learnt how to throw away unnecessary things. A known pack rat and hoarder, it's actually quite liberating to dispose of items i have not seen in years and will probably have no use of in days to come. And in the process of clearing away my past, i've found a variety of items such as;

a] Time sheets completed in 2003.
b] My original Hotlink pack that i bought including the receipt dated 29.07.03
c] A birthday card from my ex wishing me a very happy 25th birthday and even stating that, i don't need to wait for my 27th year for good things to happen [Hmmmpf... YEA RIGHT 25 was probably one of my worst years AND 27 was MY YEAR after all].
d] My Savings Account Passbook which i successfully held on to for 10 years [but then THOUGHT i lost, so paid for a replacement BUT now misplaced the replacement].
e] A cheque for a months' salary that i had THOUGHT i lost during Christmas 2006 but then found ONLY after they had to reissue me and after much drama.
f] My diaries of the past 5 years... [Hmmmpf... i can already regurgitate the drama filled pages].
g] Receipts dated as far back as 2003 and many so old, the ink has faded.
h] A cookbook titled, "Cooking for One".
i] Various books i bought during my impulse buys but never went past the first few chapters.
j] Photo albums ranging from 1993-2002.

Thank you!

A massive thank you to my friends for organising a farewell dinner + drinks last night... i really appreciate it. Oh and thanks YC again for the Maccas "ass" cushion... ehhehe I LOVE IT. Not forgetting a huge thanks to Chook for taking care of me when i'm in my intoxicated state and making sure i got back in one piece.

Dinner was at Jarrod & Rawlins [i'm so glad that you boys picked that place... the place is great]. I'm sure i forgot to thank everyone personally but i am very grateful. I guess i just wanted to say thank you all so much to those who came. Once i upload the photos, i'll post the link. But after looking through my photos, surprisingly, i didn't take that many. My own farewell and i didn't go snappy happy crazy... how odd.

A few of us went on to GG's brother's bar, Hana to continue the intoxication mission and as usual i was the only girl at the table. Then at some point during the evening in a drunken moment, i made my little speech telling them how much they'll be missed. How much i love them and that i'll always be their Bass Agents Pimpstress and bla, bla, bla. After which, i did get emotional and as predicted the combination of too much alcohol and sadness did indeed evoke tears.

I'm such a girl!

It's a Pisces thang!

''Some challenging aspects from Pluto suggest that there might be a clash of personalities at work or in school! The moon in fiery Leo will be at odds with your watery sign for a large part of the day. If someone is being a little too in-your-face then remember this is just their way!'' [source]

I refuse to make a big deal about it. In fact, i'm going to ignore the message you sent because i know you're upset and emotional right now. But because I AM YOUR FRIEND [whether you like it or not] i'm going to let you roll with your emotions and be the drama queen that you have become and we all know and love.

And in true Chrissie fish fashion, i'll have the last say...

Don't worry, i won't be around after next week to "jinx" your life or predict any unfavorable events... and yes, i'll try and keep my mouth shut and not give you anymore advice/suggestions [which obviously is not welcomed]. So here's me wishing you, good luck and sending you positive vibes!

So Sat Nam and let's not ruin my LAST DAY.

PS. Thanks Bunny for the link.

Temporary living arrangement adjustments

Apparently i'm leaving on the 9th. Yup, that's sooner than i had thought, in fact it's next weekend! For some reason saying, "next weekend" seems so much closer now that i have it on repeat.

My last day at work is on Friday. And i've only started to pack up my things from my desk, half of which are in boxes and the rest sprawled across my table as if someone's ransacked my table in a hurry. It's been described as a 7-11, a one-stop shop where you can find practically everything! Seriously, i'm sure you can find most things. Let's see, amongst my sea of crap and wasted trees... there are sensual massage oils [don't ask! And NO, there was nothing kinky going on =p], vitamins/legal drugs in one corner, a Heineken beer bottle cooler jacket and even a jar of soya bean mix in the other [or how my creative director likes to call, Carcass Beans; but that's a whole different story]. And that's not even covering what's in the drawers!

I will admit, there is no order in my packing or in my life for that matter. So far, design books are grouped together with photographs and loose pens are coupled with miniature toys that i've collected over time [yes i know, another surface to collect dust on and will probably not see the day of light until months to come].

...

So yea, i went to see Satan's spawn this morning. I skipped breakfast just so i could get my arse on the train on time and then spend extra time with him and still be able to make it to work on time. Every time i return to my apartment, i am forced to walk up the stairs and pass the unit where the murder had "apparently" taken place. My wilted bouquet of flowers remain untouched and beside it the burnt out candle. The ripped yellow "NO CROSSING" tape hangs beside the door like decoration and the tiles leading up to the door has a layer of dirt and is littered with leaves. It seems as if the owner has opened the windows and the glass shutters to air out the place. One has a clear view of the interior of the kitchen. Nothing seems to be cleared except the cupboards are wide open and there's an eery silence that hovers in the air.

I fear that one day i will walk up those stairs and the front door will be wide open. I guess i've been so used to coming home and seeing their front door wide open, allowing outsiders to have a sneak peak at what the living room looks like. I blame the Pisces in me and my overactive imagination to drive my fears. Perhaps i've seen too many C.S.I's and as a result the image of a blood stained floor with numbered markers remain in my thoughts each time i approach the apartment.

Within seconds i'm on the next floor up, steps away from my own main door. I'm welcomed by the meows of Satan Spawn and my concentration switches to him and his hungry cries. I tried to explain to him today that we're leaving. But i don't think he understood me since he was more interested in having his chin scratched. As usual he fell on his side hinting that he wanted his stomach scratched and his face lit up with joy.

I'm sure i've told you that i'm convinced he thinks he's a dog.

I lay on my couch and he snuggled up next to me and went on to telling me a lengthy story which in my opinion sounded exactly like the many stories he's told me before. I interrupted him to tell him that not only are we leaving this apartment but that due to unforeseen circumstances, i've been told that it's not a good idea that i bring him to my parents flat South of the border BUT dad being dad has found me a solution.

My dad works with this woman who already owns 2 cats and has a family of her own and they are willing to be the foster family until i eventually get a flat of my own and a job [both i do not have at this moment or have begun looking for]. Of course, i'll have visitation rights and once everything is sorted on my side, then i'll book him into quarantine and get him back. Problem is, the family doesn't live on the little concrete island down South, which means i have to cross the border each time i want to see him, which isn't all that far.

So it's not all so sad.

I just hope he behaves and knows that i haven't abandoned him... i guess i'll never know. I have to think positive.... on the bright side at least, he'll have company. But in a moment of i-feel-sorry-for-myself, not only do i have to say good-bye to Satan's spawn but i have to trust this foster family [whom i know nothing about] to care for him AND on top of that, say farewell to a life that i've become so comfortable with but have realised there's nothing left to offer me. AND THEN prepare myself for a new life/lifestyle by the time it hits 2-0-0-8.

WooOOooooh... talk about draaaaa-ma!

What an ass!

[stolen from here]

Louder than a whisper

I have come to the conclusion that my missing voice and never ending headache is the result of my allergies towards dust. [I hope] But every where i turn i'm faced with someone coughing their lungs out and spreading their germs in my path!

[NOW] is NOT the time to get sick.

I clearly remember every few years when my family had to move countries due to my father's job, i was always excused from having to pack, which worked out fine for me. But even early days when our family lived in the Middle East it was impossible to escape the fine particles of sand and that often triggered my asthmatic coughs leaving me practically blue in the face from not being able to breathe properly.

...

But since Friday my voice has become rather hoarse and resembles that of a lounge singer having sung one too many heart breaking tunes and smoked way too many cigarettes. And as drama as that sounds, it's not like i've done much. I've only shifted crap from one side of my apartment to the other, packed 3 boxes and wiped a few surfaces.

But on a lighter note, i have 4.5 days left of work *does a happy dance*

After which i will need to concentrate on doing some serious spring cleaning. The pack rat in me is dreading it. I reckon the only way i'll get through sorting out my crap is a] braving the dust with those disposable surgical masks b] have frequent fresh air intervals c] have a clear plan what i plan to do each day d] and i must remember, when in doubt, just chuck it away!

Don't worry, i'm not leaving immediately. KL hasn't gotten rid of me JUST YET. I still have until the 8th of December to vacate my apartment and a little time before my work place cancels my work permit. Anyone care to donate some empty boxes?

*sigh*

Losing my voice amongst other things...

Somehow over the months i have managed to successfully run away from any virus infected beings. Perhaps it was pure luck that i had become immune to any yucky sicknesses but then again it was probably the flu shot that my mother insisted that i have during Christmas last year that warded them off.

Hmmm... mothers always know best...

Anyway, not long after i wrote my last post, i suddenly felt ill. You know that feeling when your head hurts and the walls of your throat feels like sandpaper. Well i wasn't feeling Top of the Pops that's for sure. My bones felt like they had been trampled on by midgets yet i was convinced it was due to the excess stretching during my yoga class. I kept reassuring myself the feeling would go away soon. Yea right!

I then decided it wasn't worth paying a ridiculous price for a sandwich that i could easily make [and would probably leave me still hungry], so i dragged myself to the nearby bakery to buy a semi-stale baguette. I then trotted along to the supermarket so i could buy a jar of mayonnaise and a head of butter lettuce. All i wanted was a simple tuna sandwich. Maybe it was my stubbornness in me that screamed i STILL want to lead a normal life even though i could easily pick up the telephone and make an order.

Deep down inside, i'm still the same ole' Chrissie, the girl with the tattoos and who dresses like she's on school vacation and has very little fashion sense.

By Friday morning, i felt Death had marched up and down my throat and i could barely recognise my voice. I woke up sounding like a man *gasps* My head felt like a paper weight and i could barely lift my head up from the pillow. I ended up calling in sick and only went as far as dragging myself out of bed just so i could put the Do Not Disturb sign on the handle.

I didn't end up getting out of bed until darkness started to fill the sky.

And now having slept throughout yesterday and now feeling a little more alive, i managed to force myself downstairs just so i could take advantage of the complimentary breakfast. And having only nibbled on a peanut butter on toast for supper last night [which is probably not the best choice of meals when one has a sore throat], i needed some form of food in my system and Marks & Spencers chocolate biscuits weren't cutting it.

So now that breakfast is being cleared and my body has been fueled, guess what i have to do today? I'm off to my abandoned apartment so i can keep my kitty company. Oh lucky me, i get to do some serious spring cleaning, pack and inhale some dust...

Yay! Don't i feel great!?

Learning to Breathe...

I'm looking forward to the weekend purely because i can sleep in. I have 6 more working days left until i will be officially job-less. And since my uni days have been long gone, my longest stretch of holiday has been less than 2 weeks and all i want to do at this moment in time... is NOTHING.

This is my one chance to take advantage of a proper time out, rejuvenate and collect my thoughts... be a better person and revive my being. Oh gawd, is this what happens when people start maturing and thinking about their future? If i don't take care of myself, who else will? With 50 years or more left on my expectancy chart, i might as well start somewhere.

I've even pushed myself to continue with Kundalini Yoga weekly. My initial thoughts before joining were, oOOooh gawd! I'm going to turn into one of those Yoga Bitches. Have muscular arms like Madonna and then turn into some space cadet and slur my speech by a few decibels just cause i can. But looking at me now, i don't think there has been that much of a difference in my physical appearance. All in all, i'd say it's a good escape from all the shit that stirs around me.

BUT i have to admit my NO SMOKING rule has been broken... slightly.

Yes, YES, i know... you're probably thinking, Chrissie, but you were doing so well! Why the hell did you succumb to the pressure of stress and old habits?

I have a valid explanation [more like a lame arse excuse] but I figured by denying myself of such evils, it will only push me to crave it more and then who knows what might happen. So... i am limiting myself to a maximum of 3 per day and should i DECIDE that polluting my lungs is the way to go then so be it. Actually, i think i'm doing a pretty damn good job considering the circumstances. Plus it helps that the exchange rate of 2.3 makes quitting so much more attractive.

And not because i'm on the road to a nunnery or spiritual awakening but this new lifestyle change means i've even cut down on my alcohol consumption. At last i can remember my weekends better, reduced the number of blackouts and as a result my brain doesn't hurt AS much when i miss my doses.

I believe i deserve a shiny, gold star!

Blindfolded and taking a step forward.

It's already midweek and i'll be honest and say there hasn't been much progress in the packing department. Apart from removing my bed sheets and taking down the photos i pasted up on the wall, everything seems to be exactly where i left it.

Satan Spawn continues to guard of my apartment whilst i am away and like a visitor in my own apartment, i visit him every other day to feed and keep him company before i get to the office.

I know he misses me. Just as i miss him and his random acts of cuteness/anger/craziness. I like to remind him [THIS] is temporary. I can't help but think he feels somewhat abandoned and rather than ripping him out of his environment and housing him in a cage for longer than required, at least he knows his surrounding and i feel content that i can visit him when i please and he's got a place to roam.

But i SO know he's going to hate me when i have to send him off to quarantine. I guess we ALL have to get used to Change in some way or another.

I'm even slowly getting used to this new routine of having to commute from one end of town to the other just so i get to the office on time. I don't own a car and somehow over the years have conveniently manged to live near my office for the sake of minimizing traveling time. It wouldn't be so bad if the public transport system was reliable in this country but because it's not, i find it a hassle and inconvenient.

But that's not the only Change in my life. I'm now even getting used to waking up before sunrise just so i could speak to my beau who lives on the other side of the world. Unfortunately, we only have spoken words to keep each other company since being physically together is not possible... just yet. So we continue to hang on to the belief that this relationship can work despite the many obstacles we face and it's through our utmost desire to be with one another that keeps 'us' together.

It's like a weird modern day fairytale.

The more that i think about it, the more i miss him and can't imagine my life without him. And with every conversation we have, it only further confirms my belief that he is The One. I only question, when will be the next time we see one another and i worry whether Time will find a way to drive us apart?

I guess i can only hang on to my Patience and force myself to believe that we will reunite one day! Deep down i believe we are meant to be with one another even though Time continues to be our enemy. But in the meantime, there's much to sort out. So by leaving this country i hope for a better life and perhaps build on a firmer foundation that's worth building upon.

If anything, i see this move as a start of a new chapter and as cheesy as it may sound, it's the beginning of the rest of my life. And yes, i truly believe Everything Happens For A Reason.

Sooner rather than later

It seems like i'll be leaving sooner than anticipated.

I have roughly 3 weeks to do all the necessary. I still have an apartment to pack up before my lease runs out, one last deadline to complete, a cat to send off to quarantine, debts to settle and more than a handful of friends to notify and say farewell to.

It all feels so surreal that i'm moving countries again. My time is up and i can already feel the sadness approaching...

All... Things Come To An End

After a long week and an eventful yesterday i made my journey back on the train to my temporary home away from home. As usual i scrolled through my ipod so my tunes could keep me company. And before the train even left the station the music suddenly stopped half way.

At first i thought i had it on pause and after close inspection it seemed to have stalled even though the battery showed it was full. It's never happened before where i couldn't even switch it off or restart.



It seemed ironic that the song that it had decided to have a mini heart attack was Nelly Furtado's All Good Things Come To An End. And since i left the charger at the office, i let the battery drain itself until it switched off on its own.

It so happens that this one piece of equipment was my very last birthday present my ex had given to me 2 years back. Although a sentimental gift, i was more concerned that it suffered a mini heart attack and i may have lost my tunes... all 40+GB worth.

Then this afternoon when i got home i charged it and it seemed to have been given a second chance at life. And in some strange coincidence it seemed to have paused at the most appropriate song, one that seemed to have summarised my thoughts entirely.

And without getting into a lengthy explanation, i'll give you a somewhat shortened version of the past 2 weeks...

To start off there was a murder in the apartment below me which not only has given me the creeps but since then have not been able to be at home after dark. Even to the extent of staying elsewhere just so i can breathe easier and sleep soundly.

And if that's not enough to fuck me up, on top of that, the past weeks the emotional abuse at work has increased 3-fold! I'm not exaggerating. It has gotten to the point that whatever i do is never good enough... which was probably true long time back but have only JUST decided to realise it now. Why? Because i'm a dumb arse loyal dumb arse.

So yea, i've come to the conclusion that it's a chemistry thing that CANNOT be fixed. And sadly, it's no longer a professional but personal matter. I'm not the only one that sees it and it's obvious who is being bullied.

Once again my emotional state is tested and as a result my health is at risk. So my only choice was to resign. Seriously, i don't need to be yelled at for no apparent reason, treated unfairly and neither do i appreciate being spoken to rudely.

For months i've been surrounded by signs to indirectly tell me that my time here is coming to an end. So at last, i've given in and without having to go against it and let it feed on my unhappiness, i have decided to leave... Leave this country that i've spent 4 and half years at and a good portion of my teenage years growing up in.

Yes, i'm in the process of sorting my life and beginning to pack up my things. Then eventually finding refuge in the comfort on my parents place down South momentarily.

My plan is to take a break from the stress that seems to have followed me over the years and nurse myself back to tip top condition with the help of family. Then start my life again in a new environment, country code and perhaps this time out will give me a chance to look at everything from a more positive perspective.

I can only look forward to a better future because in reality, it can only get better and anything is better than [NOW]. And like a cat that has 9 lives... i will take this opportunity and embrace it with open arms in hope that in return i can wipe my slate clean.

checking in

A quick post to say that i am alive and haven't abandoned my blog... and will write more when i have time. I'm thinking tonight i'll gather my thoughts and make my announcement very soon...

Done

*exhales*

Now the countdown begins...

All i WANT is out!!!

I'm sure i've said this before but one of my biggest pet peeves is encountering RUDE people. I don't care how old or how wise one appears to be, it's unacceptable to be rude especially if it's uncalled for. Is it my fault i can't read minds? And even if i could, i'm sure there would be some other fault to pick on.

Seriously, i've had enough!

I'm fed up and if anything this would be one of the key reasons to drive me to an early grave. I'm sick of being yelled at and spoken to as if i'm incompetent. I don't need this extra stress and already as it is i have so much shit going on. I feel myself aging as every minute passes.

I can feel my heart beat race and my muscles are hurting. I wouldn't be surprised if my heart at any given time rips itself out of my chest, makes a beeline through the office slamming itself against the printer and jamming itself between the rollers!

SERIOUSLY
.
.
.
I WANT OUT!!!
[a complete understatement]

*stares anxiously at the letter beside her dated 12 November 2007*

And the countdown begins

Sometimes all it takes is one incident/change to start the ball rolling. One person, one misfortune or one traumatic event to have everything turn upside down. Or perhaps everything was misaligned and it was just that particular thing that gave it that shove.

Well whatever it is, something... someone is looking out for me. Guarding me from keeling over and taking my last breath. I should probably count my lucky stars and even though there are so many things going on in my life right now, i am able to stay somewhat focused even though i can't see the finish line.

I sense an invisible timer in the background and the countdown begins.

I believe there are signs everywhere and the more i look into it, the more i believe that i'm making the right choice. There's so much one can take emotionally before something short circuits. I know, i was there... and as a result i swallow a pink capsule to keep my emotions in check. For how long? For as long as i need to and hopefully sooner than later.

And now if any, i look towards my health as an indicator of my progress. So after doing so well in recent weeks, i am more afraid to ever return to how things were months back. But with the amount of shit that's been thrown at me in the last few days, i've had enough... that was the last straw.

But because i seem to be a drama magnet lately, other parts of my life are affected too. And as a result the one place that i had picked as my sanctuary... my escape... is the one place i don't feel at ease and protected.

Time is speeding up and already it's been days since i've rested my head on my very own pillow.

Seriously, there is just so much to do and now is not the time to rest but i have to continuously remind myself that there is a light at the end of this tunnel. And the sooner i can get there, the better.

Times are changing...

:: moody skyline ::

Apologies for my absence but the past few days has been everything but the norm. Can't really get into it so much right now except that there's so much to do and so little time.

So yea, i'll be running away for the weekend to put things into perspective...

S to the T to the RESSED

Uh OH!!!

It's Monday and with it has brought in a sudden avalanche of work and accompanied with an absurd timeline. It's moments like these that i wish i had a brainless job that required very little effort.

And because i can, i will whinge about what's stressing me out. My first internal review is on Wednesday... yes 2 days from now! Fortunately for me i am forced to welcome Stress with uninviting arms. Seriously just thinking about it makes my head hurt.

I reckon it'll be an early start tomorrow and foresee an all-nighter if i don't get it all sorted in time.

Minutes after i left the meeting it suddenly dawned on me the laundry list of items i need to get done. I'll admit and say i'm slightly freaking out and feeling the pressure build as every second ticks by.

And for the first time in weeks, i was [T H I S] close to lighting up a cigarette!!!
.
.
.
But i didn't *sighs*

Suddenly, my Will power is dipping down a notch and i can feel my heart wanting to make a run for it. Blame it on work! As much as i keep telling myself it's a case of Mind over Matter, i'm thinking this added deprivation ain't helping at all!

*Prays for some inspiration to spontaneously infect her brain over night*

Reminiscing

I can't believe it's Sunday ALREADY! It seems like only yesterday that i was trying to figure out how i was getting my arse to Malacca. Strange how Time seems to speed up when you least expect it. The fact that it's already November makes me look back at the whole year and wonder how much i've progressed. And how grateful i am to be where i am at this moment in time.

At last i can say, i'm so looking forward to next month! I'm only hoping that once Christmas rolls in, Time will slow right down. I'm still thinking happy thoughts of 'us' and know that there are better things to come.

...

So anyway, this weekend has been very relaxing and i've spent every chance possible sleeping. Yes, i'm back to my routines. Except this afternoon i went to Ekamon's open house for a few hours and then before it started raining i made it back home and was back to vegging out in front of the computer/tv. But after speaking with my beau i decided i'd scan a few photos from my past. I had meant to do it some time back but as usual my laziness got the better of me.

So as i spend the remaining hours of my weekend reminiscing over my past, i realise how much i do really miss those times and the kinds of friendships i had back in the day... Innocent we were not...

Super Itchy + Scratchy

As i was about to leave for work this morning, i had this sudden urge to scratch my feet. I'm not talking about a simple-itch-and-scratch and off you go kind of deal. I'm talking about some SERIOUS itchiness! Suddenly my toes felt like they had been attacked by some flesh eating bug!

But there's no visible skin differences. I dropped to the floor and threw off my slippers. Satan's spawn was quite confused since i had petted him good-bye just seconds before but was now on the ground scratching as if i wanted to peel my skin off. [Moments like these, i'm grateful i have long nails]. Otherwise i'm sure the sight of pliers or scissors would do the job.

At first i thought it was a few mozzie bites i got earlier but now I'm convinced it may be the result of running around barefoot at the rave in Malacca! I basically stood around in contaminated mud for a few hours and probably contracted some weird foot fungus!

Ewwww...

So all day i've been slathering my toes with Eurax; which helps relieves all sorts of itches [it's excellent for mosquito bites by the way]. Seriously, i've conducted heat from all this friction and now my toes feel bloated. But i've managed to get through the day without chopping them off, so that's good. I wish i could soak them in boiling water and not worry that i'd burn my flesh at the same time, THEN i'd be temporarily happy.

But yes should it get worse, i'm thinking a short skip to the nearby clinic may be the best solution!!!

Oh gawd, i have to go to Yoga later. MAYBE i can send LOVE to my feet too.

RRGG5 captured

To view the full set, please visit winkris.multiply.com

Pictures speak a thousand words. I can't be arsed to do a write up at this moment in time... so i've uploaded the photos for your viewing pleasure. Thanks and have a nice day!

[And for those of you who couldn't care less when it comes to giving credit to other sites after you rip images off them and/or like to "steal" paragraphs/thoughts and claim them as your own on your blogs, my question to you is, what is your view on "Plagiarism"?]

hello bed!

Just came back and i am SUPER tired! So before my forehead slams itself on the keyboard, i'm going to drag my semi-tanned body in the direction of my bedroom and HOPE that i'll pass out on my mattress and away from any sharp corners.

[to be continued...]

R5 [road trip] 2007

:: SEE YOU THERE ::

www.rechargeroom.com

"Everything's going to be Alright"

Alicia Keys - No One

I just want you close
Where you can stay forever
You can be sure
That it will only get better

You and me together
Through the days and nights
I dont worry cause
Everythings gonna be alright
People keep talking
They can say what they like
But all I know is everything's gonna be alright

No one no one no one
Can get in the way of what I'm feeling
No one no one no one
Can get in the way of what I feel for you
You you
Can get in the way of what I feel for you

When the rain is pouring down
And my heart is hurting
You will always be around
This I know for certain

You and me together
Through the days and nights
I dont worry cause
Everythings gonna be alright
People keep talking
They can say what they like
But all I know is everything's gonna be alright

No one no one no one
Can get in the way of what I'm feeling
No one no one no one
Can get in the way of what I feel for you
You you
Can get in the way of what I feel for you

I know some people search the world
To find something like what we have
I know people will try
Try to divide
Something so real
So till the end of time
Im telling you that

No one no one no one
Can get in the way of what I'm feeling
No one no one no one
Can get in the way of what I feel for you
oh oh oh....

[source: Alicia Keys Online]

J.a// Thank you for the reassurance and for this song... m u... xox

I believe...

I found this statement profound, in fact it's so simple and relates to the Universal Law of Attraction. Yes i'm looking at Life in a whole new way. At the rate that i'm going, it may seem as though i'm one straw short of transforming into a nun [obviously one that doesn't follow true traditions per se and one that is adorned with ink]!

...When you desire with belief, it's happening. When you desire with hope, it's happening slower. When you desire with doubt, it's so slow, you might as well think about something else.

When you want something and you don't believe it, it's as good as not coming! When you want something and hope, it's coming -- but you gotta be patient. When you want something and you know it's coming, patience isn't a factor because it's coming quickly enough that evidence is showing up all over the place. So your optimism is easy to feel when you see evidence... [source]

But yes, i do believe that anything is possible at this point of time. Strange huh? But maybe it's Age doing its' thing or Maturity finally playing a dominant role.

And YES
.
.
.
i have no doubt that we will be together in due time and for the first time in a very long time, i look forward to the future...

Cold turkey but not quite.

Go suck on a Chupa Chup!

I'm proud to say that i've survived not having a cigarette for 10 days. But i have one piece of nicotine laced gum left and i'm trying to see how long i can go without it. I'm trying to rearrange my lifestyle which i'm hoping will allow me to improve and eventually save money. [Not sure how that's working but if there's a will, there's a way].

Uh oh
.
.
.
I can feel myself eye-ing my emergency sticks BUT don't worry, i also find myself turning elsewhere.

Bonus is, i find myself carrying less items nowadays, only problem is i constantly feel as if i've left something behind. And spend ages worrying that i've misplaced something. Yes i know that's why there's handbags but sometimes, carrying a bag is such a pain in the arse.

As for the cravings, well they're still there and i've noticed a slight dip in my concentration. But then again with the additional factors playing a vital role, no wonder i'm distracted. I'm not quite agitated but i do find myself in need to be doing something to keep me occupied. There are no serious mood swings. [Yay for those around me]. However, i have noticed a slight dull headache but i think dehydration could be the culprit and a missed dosage.

So yea... so far so good. *thinks happy thoughts*

My only worry is the upcoming R5 over the weekend. It's almost second nature to my existence to suck down a beer and have a lit cigarette held between my index and middle finger.

I. MUST. CONQUER. THIS. ADDICTION + I MUST NOT THINK TOO MUCH!

NOTE TO ONESELF: MUST remember to pack a shit load of gum and chupa chups.

A New Week... A New Chapter Begins

"The Kiss" Gustav Klimt ; found on myfreewallpapers.net

So i was thinking the other day how strange it must be for those readers who have been following my life to suddenly read about this complete turn around. Believe me, i'm still in shock and amazed. And for those who have only just begun reading, i'm sure they must think i'm some love-crazed-fool.
.
.
.
Maybe.

Trust me when i say, i was never like this. If anything i was the one to banish all lovey dovey shit into the darkest corners. But then again, Never Say Never cause it's always bound to happen.

And although i may write as if it's all fine and dandy and the perfect Fairytale, believe me when i say it's much more complicated than it seems! Far more complex than anyone could imagine or desire. I find myself more cautious now with every decision made and constantly reminding myself to keep my head screwed on.

But you know what, in some weird, fucked up way... i'm willing to see past all the major obstacles and for once see the positive... even if it takes *coughs* years.

Yes i said years! WoooOOoooh... [THIS] must be serious.

But what happens between NOW and THEN is a mystery but we're willing to make it work. We WANT it to work and therefore if we BELIEVE that it can... it will. It just needs a shit load of dedication and patience. Time is both our enemy and friend.

So as we embark on this long-distance journey, it brings on a whole new meaning to Communication, Trust and Understanding. This is our time to sort ourselves out and prepare ourselves mentally, physically and emotionally for what is to come.

Have i gone crazy? Maybe. Am i happy? Yes.

Full circle.

I fell in and out of sleep today... as usual i've pushed my errands to tomorrow. I ended my long day yesterday watching DVDs. I fell asleep on my couch and it was an hour before dawn that the phone rang.

We spoke for more than an hour... Time seems to disappear each time and although i can never fully recall our conversations, i know each topic flows out of our mouths with ease and without hesitation. Eventually we said our farewells and for a moment i thought i was going to stay up since the sun was peeking over the horizon, but i ended up passing out on my bed.

The hours that followed had me dreaming of him and instead of him saying good-bye at the airport, it was me. My suitcase was filled with winter clothes and i remember i was crying in my dream. When i opened my eyes, i was still crying. I woke up sad and i could hear thunder in the far distance.

It didn't take long for me to get back to sleep and this time i dreamt i received a ring.

The most beautiful rich/dark royal blue sapphire gem surrounded by thin, white gold threads. The design was organic but simple yet intricate in design. I've never seen a ring like this, in fact i'm sure it's not even possible to create. Every angle you looked at it, it seemed to capture a different look. No doubt it was unique on all levels and i remember looking at it feeling overwhelmed with its' beauty. I remember feeling at peace with myself and what was to come...

Naturally, i googled it's symbolism.

And as predicted "To see a ring on your finger in your dream, signifies your commitment to a relationship or a successful new endeavor. It also indicates your loyalty to your ideals, responsibilities, and beliefs" and "To dream that you receive a ring, denotes that your suspicions and worries over you lover will end. You will come to realize that he is true to his heart and will devote himself to your interest" [source].

I then went to search the meaning behind the type of gemstone and apparently, "The sapphire symbolises loyalty, but at the same time it gives expression to people's love and longing". More fascinating was, "We associate this colour, strongly linked to the sapphire as it is, with feelings of sympathy and harmony, friendship and loyalty: feelings which belong to qualities that prove their worth in the long term – feelings in which it is not so much effervescent passion that is to the fore, but rather composure, mutual understanding and indestructible trust." [source].

Hmmm... i'm sure my subconscious is getting a bit ahead of itself but you know what, for the first time i'm not scared of the future and what changes lay ahead of me.

*Thinking Happy Thoughts*

Courtesy of Sound Oasis

Apparently last week's yoga class was concentrating on the solar plexus [which is the stomach region] and NOT the heart. So all that time i was directing energy to the wrong chakra... ALL THANKS TO EKAMON! Oh well... ehehehe.

Today's class was focusing on the heart and after a long day in the office, it was nice to end it on a happy note. I sent my LOVE to those who matter and visualised sending positive vibes all around.

And although i'm super tired now, here's me thinking happy thoughts and believing that ANYTHING is possible if you put your mind to it and BELIEVE in it.

Oh and by the way, to update you all on my quit smoking mission... it's been 5 days since i had my last cigarette.

*smiles*

Sweet Surrender

Sarah McLachlan - Sweet Surrender

I thank you for believing in me... and giving us a chance at Happiness. Clearly, "...at the beginning there has always been a dream and its for us to figure out how to make this dream real..."

[Sweet Surrender is about having people accept you for everything that you are, including all of the ugliness inside of you...two people accepting each other, totally." [source]]

GX Finale ~ 28 SEPT 2007

*CLICK* to view ALL the images

Apologies for my tardiness but as you know i've been sort of preoccupied in the last 2 weeks.

Anyway, here they are and before i forget, MUCH LOVE to my BA boys and of course stoopidfish! Thanks to those who came and supported GX =)

I guess it's true all good things must come to an end. The end of one chapter... the beginning of another.

Stupid for You

Marie Digby - Stupid for You

You know where i stand and i've told you my case. We've been honest with one another from day 1 and really appreciate that. I can only hope it will get better, not only for you but for me... perhaps for us. I meant everything that i said which is why i believe what you say is true. We both agree that Only Time Will Tell but at the same time we both know a decision has to be made.

I can only wish for it to be soon rather than too late.

m u... xox