It's taken a few nights apart, a shit load of tears and a heated argument to finally lay the cards on the table. An argument that was unavoidable and the recent happenings just seemed to tip off the scales.
Even from the beginning of our relationship, J would say, "We need to build on our foundation and then take it from there". Reminding me that if the foundation of our relationship is stable, no matter how many problems and crap you lay on top of it, the structure [being our Relationship] should still be standing.
But let's go back to the start when we were in our long distance relationship and living on either sides of the world from one another. Our main goal was to be with one another. A desire so strong that seemed to overcome all obstacles that seemed impossible and unrealistic.
But fast forward to now and next month i will be in Germany for 2 years. After having dealt with so many issues and fighting to be with one another, it hurts me to think that we even questioned whether we still see a future together.
And as the hours of silence turned into days, the mood in the apartment shifted to a very unpleasant one. We eventually found ourselves hanging on threads.
But as always, when shit hits the fan and i'm emotionally off my rocker, it is my family who are the determined ones to fight along side me even though my sister lives in a different part of Germany and my parents live in different Time Zones. Always there to encourage me and push me in the right direction, their words of advice and soothing words make sense after some time.
I will admit and agree with my sister when she says i am not a confrontational type.
If i could avoid a scene and pretend that nothing happened i would. I would be happy if it was possible to deal with problems in a silent and non-confrontational way. But Life doesn't work like that and neither do Relationships.
The further i distanced myself, the harder it was to speak to J. I felt derailed and unsure what my purpose in life was.
But we eventually got to talking and like a slap to the face, the truth revealed itself.
Nobody likes to be around unhappy people.
It eventually came clear to me that the problem was not just the baby-that-wasn't-meant-to-be but as hard as it is for me to admit, the problem is me.
Let's just say i've always battled with negativity. Even allowing self-pity to get the better of me. And as a creature of habit that dwells on the past, i often find security in building walls around me as a means of protection. My anxiety and fears often take a stronger hold on me and my lack of confidence has a habit of eating away at my independence.
But i know the only way to save our relationship and perhaps my own sanity, is to change my pessimistic outlook. And as J simply put it, it is easy to hold one another in each others arms and say we'll try and change but the truth lies in months to come. If we're back to arguing over the same things, then we know "trying" to change was just not good enough. What it really comes down to is "wanting" to make a difference and following it through.
And before anyone says, "You're such an ungrateful bitch, you don't deserve J".
Let me just say, i know and i'm working on that.
... Sometimes love comes around and it knocks you down
Just get back up when it knocks you down...
Even from the beginning of our relationship, J would say, "We need to build on our foundation and then take it from there". Reminding me that if the foundation of our relationship is stable, no matter how many problems and crap you lay on top of it, the structure [being our Relationship] should still be standing.
But let's go back to the start when we were in our long distance relationship and living on either sides of the world from one another. Our main goal was to be with one another. A desire so strong that seemed to overcome all obstacles that seemed impossible and unrealistic.
But fast forward to now and next month i will be in Germany for 2 years. After having dealt with so many issues and fighting to be with one another, it hurts me to think that we even questioned whether we still see a future together.
And as the hours of silence turned into days, the mood in the apartment shifted to a very unpleasant one. We eventually found ourselves hanging on threads.
But as always, when shit hits the fan and i'm emotionally off my rocker, it is my family who are the determined ones to fight along side me even though my sister lives in a different part of Germany and my parents live in different Time Zones. Always there to encourage me and push me in the right direction, their words of advice and soothing words make sense after some time.
I will admit and agree with my sister when she says i am not a confrontational type.
If i could avoid a scene and pretend that nothing happened i would. I would be happy if it was possible to deal with problems in a silent and non-confrontational way. But Life doesn't work like that and neither do Relationships.
The further i distanced myself, the harder it was to speak to J. I felt derailed and unsure what my purpose in life was.
But we eventually got to talking and like a slap to the face, the truth revealed itself.
Nobody likes to be around unhappy people.
It eventually came clear to me that the problem was not just the baby-that-wasn't-meant-to-be but as hard as it is for me to admit, the problem is me.
Let's just say i've always battled with negativity. Even allowing self-pity to get the better of me. And as a creature of habit that dwells on the past, i often find security in building walls around me as a means of protection. My anxiety and fears often take a stronger hold on me and my lack of confidence has a habit of eating away at my independence.
But i know the only way to save our relationship and perhaps my own sanity, is to change my pessimistic outlook. And as J simply put it, it is easy to hold one another in each others arms and say we'll try and change but the truth lies in months to come. If we're back to arguing over the same things, then we know "trying" to change was just not good enough. What it really comes down to is "wanting" to make a difference and following it through.
And before anyone says, "You're such an ungrateful bitch, you don't deserve J".
Let me just say, i know and i'm working on that.
... Sometimes love comes around and it knocks you down
Just get back up when it knocks you down...
3 comments:
Hang in there...
Maybe its not your pessimistic outlook, but your lack in self-belief. Been reading your blog and you don't sound like you are in any way unappreciative or unloving to J. Perhaps you just need to remind yourself that yes, you have your ups and downs and yes, you've made mistakes, and yes, you're only human. But that you deserve to be loved too. And you should never ever question whether or not you're worth being loved.
Anon: Thank you for your words and perhaps my lack in self-belief is what is holding me back. I do realise we all have flaws and i am making an effort to see things in a more positive way.
Every day i am making conscious effort to find/do things that bring a smile to my face, as a means to push me forward.
Post a Comment