I think the reality of what has happened has finally hit and last night i cried myself to sleep. I woke up feeling emotionally drained and wanting to crawl right back into bed.
When i see mothers-to-be on the TV or in real life, i can't help but feel a sense of emptiness. Maybe 'emptiness' is not the right word. I don't know what the word is. I didn't think the ectopic pregnancy would have effected me as much as it's done.
Sometime during the early evening J and i were lying side by side and i suddenly got overwhelmed by the closeness. For the first time i told him i was scared and out of nowhere started to cry. And as he reassured me it's OK to mourn, i couldn't help but think my distance and sadness is the cause of some of our misunderstandings.
Maybe i'm just being emo.
For years i wondered whether i was capable of having children. A curiosity perhaps. And despite going for my check ups and doctors telling me my ovaries are fine, it never occurred to me that i would one day blame my fallopian tubes for the loss of a perfectly healthy baby-to-be.
But i'm hoping one day to be proved wrong.
I'm supposed to wait at least 6 weeks before i am fully healed. My doctor reminded me that should i wish to be pregnant again, it is strongly recommended that i wait 3 months before trying. But at the rate that i'm feeling, 3 months seem so close.
Yes i know it's only been 2 weeks but already the fear that one day it could all happen again flashes through my head. There's no doubt, that this chapter in my life has messed with my head.
And before anyone says, you're so young you don't have to worry. Stop stressing! Lots of women go on to having babies. My question to you is, have you ever miscarried? Have you gone through the same thing as me? If not, then please let me grieve so i can get this out of my system.
I'm sorry.
I have also read several reports that say 1 in 50 or 60 pregnancies are ectopic. Which i can't decide whether that's a lot or not. But i have this image of a wedding banquet and there's 5 tables with 10 chairs to each one and there is little ol' me sitting on one of the chairs; the one of the 50 chairs.
I know this sounds lame but to be honest, i never knew it was possible that an embryo could implant itself in any other place than the uterus. And how life threatening it could be for the mother should the fallopian tube rupture due to blood loss.
I've read that there's a 15% chance that a woman can get an ectopic pregnancy again but i've also read that some women go on to have perfectly healthy babies after. I guess it's like a game of Russian roulette. I'm giving myself till i'm 35 to have a kid. And even though there's nothing i could have done to have prevented it, it's the thought that i was capable of being pregnant but it was just my "bad luck" that it embedded itself in the wrong place.
But the way mother nature works is just because one has only one fallopian tube, the body somehow is still able to get eggs from both ovaries. I guess it's just smart that way. And as J put it, there's a reason why Mother Nature gave women two fallopian tubes to begin with.
Anyway, i don't know if i'm being silly but i can't seem to get the strength to upload the photos i took during our Christmas getaway without feeling slightly sad. Each time i think back i wonder, whether having known i was pregnant earlier would have made me emotionally any better. As i think back to the weeks leading up to January 2nd, i clearly remember there were times when i had a gut feeling that i was pregnant especially when i hadn't eaten and felt nauseous.
So please bear with me whilst i try and sort myself out.
When i see mothers-to-be on the TV or in real life, i can't help but feel a sense of emptiness. Maybe 'emptiness' is not the right word. I don't know what the word is. I didn't think the ectopic pregnancy would have effected me as much as it's done.
Sometime during the early evening J and i were lying side by side and i suddenly got overwhelmed by the closeness. For the first time i told him i was scared and out of nowhere started to cry. And as he reassured me it's OK to mourn, i couldn't help but think my distance and sadness is the cause of some of our misunderstandings.
Maybe i'm just being emo.
For years i wondered whether i was capable of having children. A curiosity perhaps. And despite going for my check ups and doctors telling me my ovaries are fine, it never occurred to me that i would one day blame my fallopian tubes for the loss of a perfectly healthy baby-to-be.
But i'm hoping one day to be proved wrong.
I'm supposed to wait at least 6 weeks before i am fully healed. My doctor reminded me that should i wish to be pregnant again, it is strongly recommended that i wait 3 months before trying. But at the rate that i'm feeling, 3 months seem so close.
Yes i know it's only been 2 weeks but already the fear that one day it could all happen again flashes through my head. There's no doubt, that this chapter in my life has messed with my head.
And before anyone says, you're so young you don't have to worry. Stop stressing! Lots of women go on to having babies. My question to you is, have you ever miscarried? Have you gone through the same thing as me? If not, then please let me grieve so i can get this out of my system.
I'm sorry.
I have also read several reports that say 1 in 50 or 60 pregnancies are ectopic. Which i can't decide whether that's a lot or not. But i have this image of a wedding banquet and there's 5 tables with 10 chairs to each one and there is little ol' me sitting on one of the chairs; the one of the 50 chairs.
I know this sounds lame but to be honest, i never knew it was possible that an embryo could implant itself in any other place than the uterus. And how life threatening it could be for the mother should the fallopian tube rupture due to blood loss.
I've read that there's a 15% chance that a woman can get an ectopic pregnancy again but i've also read that some women go on to have perfectly healthy babies after. I guess it's like a game of Russian roulette. I'm giving myself till i'm 35 to have a kid. And even though there's nothing i could have done to have prevented it, it's the thought that i was capable of being pregnant but it was just my "bad luck" that it embedded itself in the wrong place.
But the way mother nature works is just because one has only one fallopian tube, the body somehow is still able to get eggs from both ovaries. I guess it's just smart that way. And as J put it, there's a reason why Mother Nature gave women two fallopian tubes to begin with.
Anyway, i don't know if i'm being silly but i can't seem to get the strength to upload the photos i took during our Christmas getaway without feeling slightly sad. Each time i think back i wonder, whether having known i was pregnant earlier would have made me emotionally any better. As i think back to the weeks leading up to January 2nd, i clearly remember there were times when i had a gut feeling that i was pregnant especially when i hadn't eaten and felt nauseous.
So please bear with me whilst i try and sort myself out.
3 comments:
It is healthy mourn, it is natural to have all the "I wonder" "what if" moments. I'm not going to tell you you're too young don't stress , nor am I going to say I know how you're feeling as everybody is different. I will say though, take everyday slowly , share as much as you can with J and when you want to not when you feel you have to. Just be strong and I'm on skype if you need me. love you lots.
It was not yours to begin with then. When it is time, you'll be ready.
Fallah: Love right backatcha.
Anon: Another blessing in disguise perhaps.
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