Back in Black 2008

:: HS is back ::

Tonight's the night... the night many of us have been waiting for, the return of Hardsequence. This time they're back in black and eager to put on a show. Here's hoping the night is a huge success for them and it brings in the same growing dedication that was present once upon a time.

Sadly, this will be my first HS night that i will not be present.

I will not be standing by the door checking off the guest list, neither will i welcome familiar faces and hug randoms. I will not have my chilled beer beside me and neither will i join in mindless chatter to buy time.

I'll be honest and say there's a mix of emotions on my side. I even spent the last few days questioning whether or not my presence was needed. Would my attendance be expected seeing that i had never let them down? I'm still not sure but the show must go on. But i figured with the upcoming holiday and the roads being completely packed, i didn't think it was wise to travel... for some reason, i had an eerie feeling. I'm not sure why.

I can almost predict what the night would entail; a dozen or more drinks guzzled down, a depleted camera battery, tunes that would hope to bring me back to the days that i felt carefree and probably even a last minute after-party with those same faces. Only difference would be later i'd have to take part in a solo journey back to the concrete jungle.

But if i look back at the last 2 and a half years, it was an enriching journey that taught me so much. I saw what friendship could do, dedication and love. It allowed me to meet various people from all walks of life, many of which were much younger and eager to be part of something. I believe it gave some individuals a purpose and although it may sound obsessive, there was a selfless loyalty in many. And although i speak for myself here, i am grateful and appreciative to those who stuck by. It's nice to be considered and be taken noticed rather than be just a number, a blank face in the crowd... i like to think we're all in it together.

Perhaps deep down inside i've always had a yearning to belong when in reality i couldn't be any different from any of you. Maybe that's how cults begin. So instead, i found much satisfaction in seeing each night succeed by documenting the night with 100s of images, where i'd hide behind the lens to disguise my own discomfort but really because i want to one day look back and remember only those happy faces and not necessarily what plagued my thoughts.

True Joy is nearly impossible to fake.

Each person in the HS crew had their part. No matter how big or small and although i was not in the forefront, it didn't matter, seeing it all unfold and seeing the smiles that it brought to the punters and amongst ourselves was enough to make all the anxiety and stress worth while.

Even to the extent where my own existence very much evolved around being their Pimpstress. My career came second and my own health was not even so much in the equation. I didn't care. It was very much about us... about Hardsequence. It was all for the love of the music but more importantly, it was for them... my boys. As it always has been.

But alas, the tables have turned and now it's only fair that i attend to some personal matters. I wish you boys luck, although i'm sure it's not needed and i'm certain our paths will cross again.

Much love & summersaults,
Your Pimpstress... xox

:: 11 Feb 2006 ~ HS & friends @ SAX ::

Surely that ain't right

2 months. That's how long i've been on a break for and although there are moments - very few mind you, when i think i wouldn't mind jumping back into the rat race, the feeling doesn't last. But then like a slap to the face, i retreat back into my safety zone and think, no i'm not ready... not just yet. I don't think it's procrastination, it's more like the desire is not quite there... yet. I say "yet" because i like to think there is some optimism left and i am ridding myself of a long chapter and finally turning the page.

Which perhaps works in unison with my mood swings that unfortunately continue to be erratic. Can i blame my hormones?

But i am taking full advantage of this time being alone. In fact, i quite like it. I've gone as far as secluding myself from the outside world just because i can and "my world" feels much more safer - no raised voices, no complications, no misunderstandings, no conflict and no rules. I'm not sure if that's smart but i much prefer to keep the peace. Those thoughts of course, keep repeating itself like a broken record. But the tune is rather melodic and i'm sure soon enough they will blend in the back ground like white noise.

Perhaps it's not so obvious to those who do not know but my anti-social level has gone up by a few notches since i've moved down South... i have no idea why or maybe i do know but i'm still in denial - i still haven't figured that part out. I think i can be a rather sociable person but of late, i have no desire to try. It's easier to put it on Silent mode and deal with it at a more convenient time.

I look back to the time when i had no objection of injecting myself into circles where foreign words would float around me freely like a parasite. I found it easier to smile than to fight back. Often feeling alienated came part in parcel but yet i could never find the courage to speak out. I think i disguised my discomfort quite well but then i think, to who's benefit was that for? Hmmm... don't get me wrong, there were many great times but i find it harder to forget those moments that made an impact.

And it was only when i returned to my sanctuary did sense find its way back and once again, would be forgotten/forgiven until of course there would be a next time and i'd find myself back where i started. A vicious circle, knowing very well what the outcome would be and how i'd feel.

Was it worth it? Well let's just say i have no regrets. But it sure put me back into my space.


Roads - Portishead