Life and Death.

Once again, i've had the motivation of a sloth this week in terms of trying to regurgitate my thoughts. Sorry for my lack of posts. And whilst i had good intentions to writing something midweek, before i knew it Friday got here and i'm wondering where the week had gone.

Workwise, i'm currently waiting for feedback and translations for the visuals i sent to my client nearly a month ago. And the longer i wait, the more anxious i'm starting to get. Not because i'm worried about my work but more like i'm concerned as to when i'll finish the projects and when exactly i'll get paid.

Unfortunately, bills don't wait for no [wo]man and i know i'm going to be broke by the end of the month.

As for last weekend, not much happpened.


J spent both nights gaming and in turn spent most of a normal persons' day sleeping. Although i did convince him to go the recycling centre and get rid of the crap that was filling up the backseats. Then to add the excitement factor, we spent the next two and half hours cleaning his car and changing the covers of the car seats.

oOOo fun times!


Then on Sunday, i wanted to get out of the apartment. The weather was gorgeous at 12˚C and it deserved to be taken advantage of. But J was passed out from the lack of sleep he's had the last week and so i ended up going by myself. I knew if i just stayed in i would just get annoyed, so i decided to walk to the nearby park.


I then spent the next two hours on a bench watching individuals walking back and forth, kids playing imaginary games and couples walking hand-in-hand observing the ducks on the pond.

***

Then on Monday came the carnival parade but that deserves a whole new post which i will eventually get to but something else has captivated my thoughts. I'm still a little shaken up and J was right when he said, he didn't want to tell me straight away because he thought it would scare me.

So J gets a phone call last night from his brother. And seconds into the call, i notice J's facial expression goes almost blank. They're talking in German and i'm trying to dissect parts of their conversation. He doesn't say too much but i'm bugging him to tell me what happened.

At first i thought something happened to his grandmother. But as he's on the phone, he tells me that it's not that. I continue to guess what could have happened but he interrupts me and tells me he'll tell me later. He then walks over to the kitchen pours himself some vodka and mixes it with juice and turns to the the kitchen exhaust and lights a cigarette.

It must be serious.

And at that point, my mind is swimming around trying to think of all sorts of things.

He gets off the phone and remains quiet.

I ask him again what happened but he says, he'll tell me later because it might scare me. At which point, i'm starting to freak out because he's never said anything like that me before. J gets back on the phone and starts talking to somebody else. This time it's his other brother.

And what felt like ages later, J gets off the phone and says, do you want to know what happened?

I'm sitting on the sofa half-heartedly watching Germany's Next Top Model and i turn to him bursting for him just to tell me what happened.

His mother's boyfriend committed suicide in the cellar of their family's house.

My jaw almost dropped when i heard the news.

The very house that J grew up in as a child and the home where his mother is now living since J's parents have separated. The same house that J and i were at when we spent boxing day with his mother playing Mahjong.

So anyway, this is what happened...

The mother and her boyfriend got into a heated argument, so she went to go stay with her friend on Tuesday. When she returned yesterday the doors were locked. So she sent him a text message, telling him to open the door otherwise she'd call the police.

He didn't answer, obviously.

So then Police came and opened the door. They searched the house and that's when the police found him hanging in the laundry room. He was dead for two days. And according to the mother the TV was on and there was no note. I can't imagine what would have happened if J's mom had been the one to find him. I think that would have been more traumatic for her.

The second he told me, i got chills. I still get the chills each time i read the paragraph before.

Thoughts of what could have happened leading to his final breath and the fact that i now have a permanent visual in my head of where it happened has got me feeling almost sick.

It's so sad.

Not only because it's a suicide of someone we both know but also that J's told me of many fond memories of the house he grew up in and now the house is tainted.

Some of you may know that four years ago when i was living in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia, my neighbour's mistress was killed in the apartment. And i can't begin to tell you how freaked out i was. I knew i couldn't physically go back to living in my apartment knowing that somebody was brutally killed in the apartment right below me and i had to pass their door as i went up the stairs.

I ended up living in a hotel for a month. At which time, it so happened that i had also quit my job two months prior to that and i had a month left to go till i had to leave. I took the murder as a sign that it was time for me to leave.

Yup, the murder was just the icing on the cake.

So yea, now J has to take time off work next week to drive to his parents' house. Most probably to clear some things and do as much as he can to sort through the house.

I told J, as much as i love him, i can't accompany him. He understood. And i went on to say, i don't think i can handle going near the house full stop.


The last time i remember seeing the mother's boyfriend was in the late Summer of 2010. J had borrowed his mother's car because the boot was bigger and so J lent his car to his mother. When they switched cars, the mothers' boyfriend had polished J's car and put J's car keys on a key chain and said that it was for protection which i thought was very nice. Now that i think about it maybe he needed the protection more than J after all.

And although i don't really know him as a person or what his motive was, i'm saddened knowing that he decided to end his life but the other side of me is angry that he decided to do it in J's beautiful family house.

Then there are moments when i think, life can be so unpredictable.

One moment you could be standing there breathing, the next you could be catching your last breath. Whether it was intentional is besides the point. What i really meant was, you never really know whether it's the last time you'll ever really see a person.

So on that note, i'm saying a silent prayer for him.

I'm hoping that he rests in peace and prays to all good things that his spirit isn't lingering anywhere that it shouldn't be a.k.a the house.

So go hug a loved one or a good friend and tell them how much you appreciate and love him/her.

Covered in mourning dust.

I think the reality of what has happened has finally hit and last night i cried myself to sleep. I woke up feeling emotionally drained and wanting to crawl right back into bed.

When i see mothers-to-be on the TV or in real life, i can't help but feel a sense of emptiness. Maybe 'emptiness' is not the right word. I don't know what the word is. I didn't think the ectopic pregnancy would have effected me as much as it's done.

Sometime during the early evening J and i were lying side by side and i suddenly got overwhelmed by the closeness. For the first time i told him i was scared and out of nowhere started to cry. And as he reassured me it's OK to mourn, i couldn't help but think my distance and sadness is the cause of some of our misunderstandings.

Maybe i'm just being emo.

For years i wondered whether i was capable of having children. A curiosity perhaps. And despite going for my check ups and doctors telling me my ovaries are fine, it never occurred to me that i would one day blame my fallopian tubes for the loss of a perfectly healthy baby-to-be.

But i'm hoping one day to be proved wrong.

I'm supposed to wait at least 6 weeks before i am fully healed. My doctor reminded me that should i wish to be pregnant again, it is strongly recommended that i wait 3 months before trying. But at the rate that i'm feeling, 3 months seem so close.

Yes i know it's only been 2 weeks but already the fear that one day it could all happen again flashes through my head. There's no doubt, that this chapter in my life has messed with my head.

And before anyone says, you're so young you don't have to worry. Stop stressing! Lots of women go on to having babies. My question to you is, have you ever miscarried? Have you gone through the same thing as me? If not, then please let me grieve so i can get this out of my system.

I'm sorry.

I have also read several reports that say 1 in 50 or 60 pregnancies are ectopic. Which i can't decide whether that's a lot or not. But i have this image of a wedding banquet and there's 5 tables with 10 chairs to each one and there is little ol' me sitting on one of the chairs; the one of the 50 chairs.

I know this sounds lame but to be honest, i never knew it was possible that an embryo could implant itself in any other place than the uterus. And how life threatening it could be for the mother should the fallopian tube rupture due to blood loss.

I've read that there's a 15% chance that a woman can get an ectopic pregnancy again but i've also read that some women go on to have perfectly healthy babies after. I guess it's like a game of Russian roulette. I'm giving myself till i'm 35 to have a kid. And even though there's nothing i could have done to have prevented it, it's the thought that i was capable of being pregnant but it was just my "bad luck" that it embedded itself in the wrong place.

But the way mother nature works is just because one has only one fallopian tube, the body somehow is still able to get eggs from both ovaries. I guess it's just smart that way. And as J put it, there's a reason why Mother Nature gave women two fallopian tubes to begin with.

Anyway, i don't know if i'm being silly but i can't seem to get the strength to upload the photos i took during our Christmas getaway without feeling slightly sad. Each time i think back i wonder, whether having known i was pregnant earlier would have made me emotionally any better. As i think back to the weeks leading up to January 2nd, i clearly remember there were times when i had a gut feeling that i was pregnant especially when i hadn't eaten and felt nauseous.

So please bear with me whilst i try and sort myself out.

Covered in snow & emo like a roller coaster.

It's been about 10 days since i had my surgery and most of the serious pain has gone. I can pretty much walk around without hunching over or looking like i have a stick up my arse. I can even sit on the foot stool without yelling out that i may have pulled a muscle.

So far so good.

And since i'm new to this town and was not due to see my gynae for a check-up for another 9 months, i was in no desperate need to find an English-speaking one anytime soon.

But obviously, things change.

I, had previously googled for one but to find an English-speaking female gynaecologist seemed harder than it was. So when i told one of the doctor's at the hospital my dilemma, she was kind enough to recommend me one even though she said she wasn't technically allowed to. However, the gynae that she recommended just had a baby in December, so the doctor who notified me of the ectopic pregnancy and who also operated on me, will be her replacement when she's not around.

When she first examined me one of the questions she asked was why did i decide to move to this town. When she asked me whether it was because of my boyfriend, i said 'genau' which means 'exactly/correct' in German. And as if she empathised with me she said she understood because that's why she moved here too.

She speaks relatively good English, so i'm not stressing when she's explaining things. Plus she's very gentle and doesn't mind explaining things when i ask silly/obvious questions. She looks quite young [compared to my previous gynae's that i've had who were in their 50's].

So anyway yesterday i went for my first check-up since leaving the hospital last Wednesday. Everything is in order. My ovaries seem to be in perfect shape. And the healing process is going quite well. The incision on the left side is slightly bigger and has left a slight hole, probably from the tube that was hanging out there to drain the blood. It's not a gaping hole where my guts can fall out but it is an obvious indent.

But my doc reassured me that the skin should fuse together and not to worry. And as simple as '1, 2, 3' she slapped on some super sticky surgical strips and said that should be fine.

I also had to give blood... again.

I really don't like needles. My right arm has all these puncture wounds at the fold of my elbow, i almost look like i've been shooting up one too many times.

So anyway, my HCG levels [which stands for my pregnancy hormone levels] were still high on Friday when i went to the hospital and so they need to monitor it. It was somewhere in the 4,000 range and it should be down to zero. But apparently when i was first admitted to the hospital, my levels were somewhere in the 21,000 mark, so it's slowly making it's way down. Perfectly normal they say and should take a few weeks before it's back to it's original state.

Which could explain my sudden emotional bursts. One moment i'm fine and the next i'm crying.

J's been quite good in making sure my head is kept above water but sometimes when he goes on and on about how some people have it worse off, i can't seem to get a hold of my emotions and then i just break down again and then i'm fine. But then hours later i'm upset over something and thinking that he doesn't love me. And then i'm back to crying because i'm sorry.

It's I'm so annoying.

But the last couple of months have definitely put a helluva lot of stress on our relationship. In essence it was J with his work and me with trying to find my groove back in German. And then there was the every day frustrations, dealing with boredom and readjusting ourselves to a new environment. I think at one point, we may have lost our footing and our/my goal.

And like a true believer in fate, perhaps me going under the knife and removing the ectopic pregnancy was Life's cruel way of waking me up, forcing me to look at what i've become and in turn be more appreciative.

I don't know.

But what i do know is it wasn't meant to be and i have a whole new year ahead of me to make some kind of change.

...

And before i continue on riding on this emotional roller coaster, i'll add some photos from the weekend. The weather man predicted the snow blizzard known as Daisy would pass over most of Germany. And there was warnings not to go outside unless necessary. It even went as far as telling people to buy extra food, batteries and candles in case of a power shortage.


So there i was expecting some huge blinding blizzard to sweep through but where we live, it wasn't so bad. And although we had i reckon 20cm of snow fall and it was pretty damn windy outside, it wasn't as crazy as i thought it would be.


It's below freezing temperatures at the moment so the snow remains. And since Saturday the snow out in my neighbor's garden and our balcony hasn't seemed to have melted or gone anywhere. Everything looks so pretty when it's covered in white.


On Saturday J woke up early and surprised me by doing the dishes and making breakfast. The snow continued to whip across through the freezing wind whilst we stayed bundled up behind heated walls and channel surfed.


Then on Sunday when the blizzard left, we decided to take a walk around the neighborhood before it got dark. We had been cooped up indoors all weekend and J thought it would be a good idea to get some fresh air and some kind of exercise. So whilst he cleared the driveway and sprinkled extra salt on the ground so i wouldn't slip, i packed on the layers for our excursion around the block.


We ended up walking down one road that had hedges on either side of the road. The photo looks much scarier than it was. With no lights ahead and not a single sound, it was like a scene from a horror flick. But with so much snow on the ground it made the surrounding area much lighter than it was despite the sun having gone down already.The flash doesn't do the photo any justice.


We were surrounded by fields and random little streams. We tried to measure how deep the snow was and in some places it would come up to the top of my Timberland boots.


Standing by some stream and on the side of some field doing i'm-not-quite-sure.


Then as i was walking i stopped dead in my tracks. I noticed these foot prints on the floor. Like Nature's own graffiti, it littered the floor with random patterns.


I couldn't help but laugh when J showed me this pattern. It looked like he/she was confused and was running in circles.


Sometimes when i look at peoples' garden covered in snow, it reminds of that scene in Ghostbusters when that marshmallow guy explodes and the whole city is covered in white goo.

Time-Out.

All sorts of rubbish and recent catty remarks were filtering through my brain resulting in a restless sleep the night before. I won't get into it too much but let's just say accumulated stress, unspoken frustrations mixed with external irritations made life at home suddenly... stressful.

Slightly desperate for something to calm my nerves, i knew i had a stash of Xanax in my medicine bag. But to my extreme disappointment each strip i found was expired. Damn it. The strips clearly had EXP JUL 2007 stamped on them. A part of me wanted to close one eye and pretend i didn't see it but alas, i thought i better not risk it and took a Stilnox to force me to sleep.

...

I woke up relatively early today. I think it was around 9. And after clearing what little dishes was sitting in the kitchen, i knew sitting in the living room waiting for J to wake up could be anywhere between a few hours to a whole day. So i scribbled a note to say i was taking the garbage out and that i was going for a walk. And if he wanted he could call me.


After dropping off the rubbish, i decided not to circle the block as i had earlier planned. Walking down the same trail i already know seemed pointless since it would lead me right back to our block within 5 minutes. And that's when i made the choice to venture outside my comfort zone.

I knew there was a green covered pathway somewhere off the main road and so i tried my luck. I found it but it didn't look at all different from the little river near our place. But i didn't want to turn back, so i just kept walking. I followed the river even though i was still unsure where i was going. The path eventually lead to a park populated mostly by young parents with strollers and toddlers.

I caught up with the river and hidden behind overgrown plants a swan was gracefully skimming the surface of the water. And like a tourist seeing something for the first time, i was eager to take a closer look and looked for a bridge to cross over.

I found one up ahead and he/she didn't seem at all too bothered with my presence.

I turned around and found myself directly in front of this huge lake. Unaware that it even existed i was taken aback by its size.

I lay on the grass with my book for about an hour and a half and breathed in the beauty.

I couldn't help watch this little girl throw pieces of bread at the swans, geese and ducks. At one point she stood there having a conversation with them as if they understood. And i think in her head she thought they did. I'm guessing the birds are used to humans feeding them because they came in from all directions hungry for a feed. And if it weren't for the little girls' mother shooing them away, i'm sure they would have dared to peck the pieces right out of her little hand.

My little wander through the park finally came to an end when my bladder rudely interrupted and started calling out for attention. There were no public restrooms nearby and i wasn't too keen on finding a bush either. I got a bit lost at one point on my way back but i tried not to panic. I just looked out for landmarks peeking over the apartments and hoped my memory served me right. I knew the names of the main roads so worst comes to worse i could always practice my German by asking some friendly looking citizen for directions.

But i guess my sense of direction isn't so bad after all because i found my way home.

J was finally awake and dressed. And as random as my urge to go for a walk on my own, he said he wanted to play basketball. I asked where he was going and he said he didn't know of any place. I remembered the park that i had just come back from had a cage with hoops in it and so i shared with him my recent find.

...


And it wasn't long after until i found myself right back in the park reading my book lying on a blanket but on a different patch of grass soaking in more of the sun whilst J shot a few hoops.

Home... Alone again.

Much like the rest of the working nation, i don't look forward to the week days. But in a span of 24 hours i spend on average 15 hours alone... at home.

Although it does include the half an hour J and i have in the morning where his breakfast is interrupted by him getting ready for work. Then 20 minutes in the late afternoon, when J dashes home to kiss me 'hello' and then 'good-bye'. Just enough time so he can pick up his bag full of notes, a packed box full of sandwiches and a flask of hot coffee that i lovingly prepared so he won't starve.

Then his day ends just after 10pm, at which time his eyes are red from his hectic day and all he wants to do is fall deep in sleep. Then within 2 hours from his return, he's back in bed and the next thing we know, the alarms are screaming for us to wake up 6 hours later.

But Thursdays are a little kinder, i get to see him an hour and a half longer.

He has a break in between classes and since the school is only 5 minutes drive away, this gives him a breather to come back home and have a hot meal. I'm thinking baked Salmon with cream sauce, mashed potatoes and broccoli tonight.

...

I remember there was a time when being at home was such a luxury. Don't get me wrong, i quite like being at home. But at the time, how i yearned to stay in bed for hours on end. But 16 hour days spent in the office was what i faced every morning and that usually did my head in. My weekends were reserved for drowning my sorrows and an excuse to take photos just so i could remember it all.

Oh how times have changed.

I'm thinking it's all those times i'd openly declare how much i WISHED i would just stay at home and be a HOUSEWIFE. Now look at me, i practically am one. The Universe was listening! In a sense, i've gone from one extreme to another and every day it seems like i'm living a life as a true hermit.

But how sad am i that i still flick through past photographs and of friends' uploaded photos just so i could have a sense of what it might be like to have a social life. And i bet if i were to return for just a moment, everything would be just how i left it... the same.

One would think with all the traveling and moving from one country to another i'd be used to it by now. But why is it that i always feel as if i am the one that has been forgotten?

Grasping on Optimism, i remind myself, it can only get better.

Echo... oh... oh.

Every so often i try and open the windows to let fresh air flow through the flat and it doesn't take long for the warm temperature to be replaced by the frosty outside air. The oxygen is like a boost to my system much like a slap to the face. I keep myself occupied by trying to get my head around my project and churn out as many pages as possible. But somehow Time escapes me and before i know it half the day is gone and i feel i could have done a lot more work. Sound familiar?

My head hurts today and without sounding strange, i can feel my muscles tightening up in my chest cavity.

Maybe it's because i went to bed angry last night. Of course, over something stupid, what else. And no, it's not even worth talking about. I guess the stress of another upcoming deadline, being home alone all day and/or not seeing J as much [but it hasn't even been a week yet!?] are slowly getting to me.

Maybe i'm just being hormonal.


Total random information for you but my Widget Chi pet that i have remembered to water is now blossoming with greenery! He used to keep dying because i would forget to "water" him. I guess if i'm not in bed, chances are my arse is sitting in front of my computer. I need a living pet to keep me company, i think. Sadly, my plants have stopped talking to me and Spot - the Ladybug is nowhere to be found.

Yes i am realising my days are probably as exciting as watching paint dry but yet my readers still come back. Who knew my Life would be so interesting for some?

But i'm going to make an effort to go outside today. I thought about it last night but figured it was too late to make a dramatic exit and i'm sure it would probably cause more friction. Running out without a coat, gloves, duplicate layers is a very stupid idea especially if one is sick. So instead i closed the bedroom door and curled up under my IKEA duvet and forced myself to count sheep.

I think the stale air is starting to get to me.

It's not even 9 yet and i'm toying around the idea of getting showered, changed and taking a brisk walk outside. The weather man says it's currently 4˙C and it's looking kind of miserable but maybe the fresh air will do me good. Maybe it will put my thoughts into perspective and i'll find inspiration in the form of... something.

Grey patches

They're naked. Nearly all of them are showing their stick thin branches. The sky remains a cool grey and the air smells icy cold. The sun is no where to be seen. I think i'm starting to miss it.

I can see the side road now. Suddenly it feels like our privacy is invaded. They can't see us but their visibility refrains me from walking around in my birthday suit. The random pedestrian walks by trying to fight the cold, i just stand by the window frame trying to hide my figure.

Comfortable in my surroundings, the world outside still feels so foreign.

I contemplate Change and try to round up the courage. I seek motivation but soon fall flat. Is it wrong that i have yet to find a passion? My urge to join the rat race has worn thin and the weekly Sunday phone call only adds to the pressure.

But i've started to translate my CV even though i'm unsure what i want to apply for. My frustration is that i still can't write proper sentences and am unable to express what i want to say. And now with new issues popping up, it doesn't help in my overall outlook.

I'm trying to stay positive and every week learning to accept things that i cannot change.

Yes, it is true that that it takes a lot of work to keep a relationship going. And with so many little issues surrounding us now, it was no surprise that finally the cookie crumbled. Was i naive to think that nothing could go wrong?

It dawned on me, i had no where to go and no person to see. Seeing the ugly side of any person, puts a real dampening on things. And at that moment i missed everything and everyone that i once knew.

I cried myself to sleep that night and woke up only to continue. I wanted to blame the full moon. I felt lost in my own home and my only escape was the little river parallel to our window. I found comfort listening to the Ducks and i hoped the fresh air would clear my thoughts. But i returned home feeling like i was treading on eggshells.

During the day our conversations were set to a bare Minimum and our expressions were as cold as the temperature outside. Avoiding eye contact and each others' presence was the only way to keep the silence bearable. Numbing it all would only help prolong the confrontation.

We both know it takes more than a smile and obedience to keep a relationship progressing. We also know a few lit candles, attention to detail and home-cooked meals won't forgive everything but it sure helps avoiding what is really bothering us deep inside.

Now that the issues have been lightly sprinkled out on the table and we can still look at each other with love in our eyes. The question still remains, what do we do to make this better?

Meet my friend, Spots.
[I'm hoping he brings with him Good Luck].

Last month, Germany was invaded by these Asian Ladybugs in search for a place to hibernate [click].

Patience

The other day i cracked opened a fortune cookie. And inside were some red words of wisdom...

Secret to success is to be patient and work towards your ambition.

It's cheesy i know. I'm almost expecting to find a funky smelling, century old man with gray hair sitting in a lotus position before me to tell me the secrets to Life. Wouldn't that be nice? Yes it's the kind of advice that any mentor or superior would tell their subordinates to keep them motivated. So the slip of paper remains tucked under my frosted IKEA plastic mat on my desk as a little reminder as to why i am here.

Patience.

A word that i keep hearing or should i say, have been telling myself each day. It's the one element that keeps everything from crumbling down and falling apart.

Patience when;

• it comes to learning a new language.
• trying to adapt to a new way of life.
• it comes to pushing past a broken heart.
• in a relationship that brings in baggage.
• learning more about a new love.
  
• it comes to the future.
• looking for a job.
• it comes to living with someone.
• trying to understand others.
• it comes to meeting new people.

Before i was always inclined to stick in my comfort zone. Standing out in the crowd did nothing for me. I feel more secure when i know my surroundings. I wouldn't call myself daring i'm actually more chicken shit than you think. Stable when i know what's going to happen next. But then again who isn't?

Somehow Time has changed that.

I feel like a hub. A nucleus. Quite the opposite to how i used to look at myself. Standing in the middle and in front of me are so many new avenues opening themselves up to me. I take each solo step forward and sense the ground tremble like ripples on a surface.

I take a deep breath in and count to 3, reminding myself when things get out of control to breathe. Yes i know, i'm bursting with fruit flavor! I'm trying to stay positive. I remember those times when MLP would calmly say to me, "...and this too shall pass" when shit hit the fan and seconds before i would have a mental breakdown. I miss our morning chats.

But all in all, i miss those people that kept me company when i went through a rough patch. Those who stuck by me to pull me through my dark days. Those people who shared their lives, thoughts and concerns with me every day. I think of those who made an impact in my life and although i can't pinpoint what it is that i miss. I just miss them.

Or maybe i just miss knowing that i have people that i know around me. Does that even make sense? I'm confused.

It all goes back to PATIENCE.

I guess we can't have EVERYTHING. But what i do WANT is to earn money. Something is better than nothing i guess. One of my fears is that i may not be able to grasp the language fast enough and in turn can't even get a normal job. But i'm assuming most jobs requires some decent understanding of German, especially if i were to get back into the graphic design field. I mean it would help if i could understand the job briefs, right!? But i'd rather not be a cleaning lady... thanks but no thanks... i'm sure i can do better than that. No offense to anyone who does clean for a living. Good for you!

But then again one option is to train to be an English teacher. Oh gawd!? Can you imagine ME as a teacher? I can't. Public speaking and i don't blend too well.

Damn it! *sigh* I'm not giving up on Germany... yet.

~ Don't mind me, i've just hopped on the emo train. I'll get off at the next stop...

Ain't No Fool

Lately i've been thinking about how much my life has changed. From one extreme to another in just a matter of months. If someone were to tell me a year ago that i would pack up my things, fly to the other side of the world to live with my sister and then start a new life, i think i'd laugh in their face and say, suuuuuure and in what lifetime?

But it did happen. Always remembering, Never say Never cause it's bound to happen.

I browse through the thousands of photos that i took during the countless events that i attended over the past few years and i can't help but feel a little sadness.

I cherish all the times i had.

It's amazing how many chapters one can have in ones' Life time. And if only i had the drive to write a biography, i wonder whether people would read it. I think of all the people i met and eventually called 'friends'. People come and go. Situations evolve and one is able to learn so much from experiences. I guess for me the reality of the life i once had that was filled with multi-coloured lights, heavy bass, sleepless nights and booze filled mornings are starting to drift further away from me.

Or perhaps it is I, that's floating away... hmmm.

Remembering those intoxicated mornings when i'd sit in my mates' car and catch myself feeling a sense of happiness. Appreciating moments and declaring how great of a night i had. Or even those times that i'd bitch and moan to another mate of mine of how stressed i was or how i felt like JUST a promoter and nothing more. Maybe it's the Asian mentality that one should not share their feelings or maybe it was just the alcohol talking.

I look back at those people whom i shared an intimate moment with behind closed doors. I was scared to let my guard down but managed to drink myself to the point of blacking out just because it was far easier to deal with reality that way. After all i was, "Chrissie" and i wore my mask of confidence like a pro. No strings attached. I like to believe i was their perfect little secret. But all i did was lose respect for myself and that's when i knew that wasn't for me.

But those times are far gone.

It's been 6 months now and i've got a man that appreciates me and cares for me deeply. Someone whom i connect with on so many levels. A person who is willing to understand and share his life with me. And most importantly, makes me happy. An emotion i seemed to have lacked in my previous relationship. So yea, it's all so very new but having no expectations and taking each day as it comes is the only advice i have to give to anyone.

But who am i to give advice to? It's been 4 months since i stepped out of the office.

A resignation that proved to be probably the best thing that i ever did. But in exchange the process and months leading to its end caused more emotional damage. The passion i once had for a career that i thought would inspire me to change the world has in fact faded.

I have lost misplaced my mojo.

In exchange for a healthy monthly wage, i will start classes next week to learn a foreign language and introduce myself to a whole new circle of 'friends'.

But being jobless and 28 is not all that bad.

Sometimes i wonder why people lie about their age once they blow past their 21st candle. Are they in denial? Life only really begins when one has experienced and battled through emotions. There's nothing wrong with getting older. I'm proud to be 28. Although people sometimes mistake me as being 18 but that's ok i know i'm not that naive. And i sure wouldn't want to pretend that i'm anything else either.

No expectations, is my new moto. Expectations only leads to disappointments.

So lately, i've been starting to think i may not fit in the world of Design. I'm talking about job wise. Stress that obviously did more damage than good has pushed me to look at my health more closely. The human body can only withstand a certain amount of beatings before it tries to shut itself down. And i'm sure no matter what country i'm in, that degree of stress will follow. I don't think i'm ready for that. But then again, who is?

My mission continues...

Missin Satan's Spawn

I received an email from the foster family who's taking care of Satan's Spawn. And along with the short note were some attachments. I can't believe how much he's grown and how much weight he's put on! Apparently Mister Fancy Pants only likes to eat chicken and tuna now.

Well i should be thankful that he's in good hands and has friends to play with... they even share the same food bowl. Yes, yes, sharing is caring! Or maybe he's being greedy and has somehow conned the other 2 cats to give him some of their grub. Hmmm... I guess he's happy and that's what's more important.

OH NO! He's forgotten about me already... *pouts*

*sigh*
:: i miss him ::

Boobers and i are going to make a trip to the nearby cat shelter tomorrow. And not because i'm a traitor or am in desperate need for a furry animal replacement in my life but because it's near-ish AND it's open.

Uh-oh! No, no... we're JUST going to go SEE the kitties... [so i was reminded].

Less than 24 hours to go

For the past few days my appetite has gone out of the window. I've been so tired lately, i even stayed in bed til 3.30pm today. I missed dinner last night, breakfast and lunch. And then i got all emotional then decided it was best that i go back into bed. I didn't leave my room til 7pm and that was only because i had to pick up my pair of Timberlands from the shoe repair store.

I think it's the nerves because this afternoon i suddenly found myself almost hyperventilating. The fear of the unknown is overwhelming. Emotions are definitely running high in this household. The stress of money, me having to find a job, moving away, being in the cold, in a new environment, all of the above has been starting to give me chest pains. I woke up today and i just wanted to shut the world away.

The anticipation of not knowing what's next still hangs in the air. It doesn't help that my muscles are all tense and it won't be long until i'm cooped up on a plane.

I know it's stupid but the very fact that i have to take a train to the next city when i arrive on my own out of the airport is freaking me out. It's dumb! I mean everybody does it. It's not like i've never traveled before and i take public transport everywhere. For fucks sake woman, get yourself together! It's moments like these i wish i could slap myself.

Suddenly stepping on a new territory is totally freaking me out!

Could it be my GAD talking? I thought i had it under control. Isn't that what i have my meds for? I'm considering popping a Xanax just to calm me down. The excessive worrying is eating away at my brain and i just want to hide in a corner and cry. I wouldn't be lying if i said, i'm actually really scared and all i want to do is throw up.

J sent me an email after we spoke this morning to tell me what platform to go on just in case i forgot. Which in my case, is highly likely. I've imprinted the number on the inner wall of my brain anyway. Train 616.

He even tried to reassure me my nerves were just normal and that everything would be fine. But somehow that didn't quite convince me and i could feel myself becoming really anxious. He then tried to get me to say ONE word in German, which wasn't a huge deal since it was the name of the city but i told him i couldn't but i'm sure if i opened my mouth i could. I said it under my breath. He didn't hear me but i insisted that i didn't want to. And like a little child i pleaded to him, "Don't laugh at me. Not now... please stop!"

And for some reason i felt like a real idiot.

Sometimes i hear this voice in my head and it sounds like Nelson from the Simpsons and he screams, "HA, HA!" I even have visions of evil strangers coming up to me pointing and looking at me with disgust. All i want to do is bury myself into my pillow and smother myself.

Breathe. Just breathe.

Back in Black 2008

:: HS is back ::

Tonight's the night... the night many of us have been waiting for, the return of Hardsequence. This time they're back in black and eager to put on a show. Here's hoping the night is a huge success for them and it brings in the same growing dedication that was present once upon a time.

Sadly, this will be my first HS night that i will not be present.

I will not be standing by the door checking off the guest list, neither will i welcome familiar faces and hug randoms. I will not have my chilled beer beside me and neither will i join in mindless chatter to buy time.

I'll be honest and say there's a mix of emotions on my side. I even spent the last few days questioning whether or not my presence was needed. Would my attendance be expected seeing that i had never let them down? I'm still not sure but the show must go on. But i figured with the upcoming holiday and the roads being completely packed, i didn't think it was wise to travel... for some reason, i had an eerie feeling. I'm not sure why.

I can almost predict what the night would entail; a dozen or more drinks guzzled down, a depleted camera battery, tunes that would hope to bring me back to the days that i felt carefree and probably even a last minute after-party with those same faces. Only difference would be later i'd have to take part in a solo journey back to the concrete jungle.

But if i look back at the last 2 and a half years, it was an enriching journey that taught me so much. I saw what friendship could do, dedication and love. It allowed me to meet various people from all walks of life, many of which were much younger and eager to be part of something. I believe it gave some individuals a purpose and although it may sound obsessive, there was a selfless loyalty in many. And although i speak for myself here, i am grateful and appreciative to those who stuck by. It's nice to be considered and be taken noticed rather than be just a number, a blank face in the crowd... i like to think we're all in it together.

Perhaps deep down inside i've always had a yearning to belong when in reality i couldn't be any different from any of you. Maybe that's how cults begin. So instead, i found much satisfaction in seeing each night succeed by documenting the night with 100s of images, where i'd hide behind the lens to disguise my own discomfort but really because i want to one day look back and remember only those happy faces and not necessarily what plagued my thoughts.

True Joy is nearly impossible to fake.

Each person in the HS crew had their part. No matter how big or small and although i was not in the forefront, it didn't matter, seeing it all unfold and seeing the smiles that it brought to the punters and amongst ourselves was enough to make all the anxiety and stress worth while.

Even to the extent where my own existence very much evolved around being their Pimpstress. My career came second and my own health was not even so much in the equation. I didn't care. It was very much about us... about Hardsequence. It was all for the love of the music but more importantly, it was for them... my boys. As it always has been.

But alas, the tables have turned and now it's only fair that i attend to some personal matters. I wish you boys luck, although i'm sure it's not needed and i'm certain our paths will cross again.

Much love & summersaults,
Your Pimpstress... xox

:: 11 Feb 2006 ~ HS & friends @ SAX ::

Non-stop chatter

"If experiences of the past have led to what you are now, what you do now can lead to what will be tomorrow." - Why I Make Myself Unhappy: Tsem Tulku Rinpoche

Seriously, i'm in no mood to write anything profound.

My head is clouded with a thousand thoughts, questions and concerns and i'm starting to think it's slowly doing my head in. If only i could block them out for a moment then maybe i'll find peace and quiet. Maybe i'll find a solution. But i didn't see that happening, so i told myself to shut up just now.

And just as my emotions were at its highest, i lost my appetite.

So i retreated back into my little room, closed the door and found myself back where i started...

Life as a nomad.

I woke up to an unfamiliar feeling this morning. All i wanted to do was to sew my eyelids shut but i knew i had to make it to my 11.40am appointment. They're so efficient in this country the hospital even sends a SMS reminder the day before and calls if the doctor is running behind schedule.

Maybe it was a case of waking up on the wrong side of the bed [it's happened before] and i'd hope i'd snap out of it by the time i took a whiff of caffeine but i've been feeling like this for the past few days. It just so happened that i was able to distract myself and push Reality aside, forcing myself to remember that i was on holiday and i should appreciate the time i had with my boy.

There were numerous times i found myself emotional and teary eyed. He saw there was some sadness and i'm sure he felt some distance. Could it be the additional hormones in my body or post-stress of everything that's happened? I don't know. I hate how i have no control of it and no, it's not like i can snap out it just like that. Anyone who says that simply has no idea.

Yes, i'm very sad that my man has left and perhaps it is the uncertainty of 'us' that still haunts my consciousness. Until there's a next time, i cling on to my memories to keep me company. But Time has it's way of getting the best of us and a part of me worries i might get wrapped up in what was and forget to focus on what is to come. I want it... us... to work, i can only hope i'm strong enough to deal with what is to come.

If that makes any sense.

I miss those familiar faces. The shady roads and potholes. Those friendships i collected over the years that i managed to float in and out of. Funny how some people appreciate things much more when it's gone. I look back at my hasty departure and realise the speed at which everything took place. But then i think, would i have ever been actually ready to say good-bye or would i have just prolonged it just because i feared Change. I need to learn to let go.

I'll admit i haven't quite adjusted to my surroundings.

The past 2 weeks have come and gone and i'm left wondering, now what? What's next? Obviously finding a job should be is my top priority but i've lost my drive, in fact it's practically non-existent and it won't be long until boredom settles and gets the best of me.

Suddenly i feel detached to everything. Lost. Feeling like i don't belong... anywhere.

I walked into Shrink #3's office and i don't know what came over me but within seconds of sitting in front of her, i balled my eyes out. Oh gawd, there i thought i had it all together and now i'm sitting in front of some stranger with rain in my eyes. Get yourself together woman!

She wore a black and white printed dress, her cleavage peeped over and had some saucy lookin' red pumps [not quite the typical outfit i was expecting but then again if she wore a frumpy outfit and orthopedic shoes, i wouldn't have thought any less of her]. I reckon she's in her late 30's, not quite the mother figure like the previous shrink with a tudung and who had no windows in her office but this one seems quite sympathetic. I apologised for my sudden outburst and in return she offered me her box of tissues, i guess she's used to that reaction from her patients.

I tried to explain my history and my current situation and my list continued to grow.

After all of that, she sighed and whipped out some metaphors. Nicely put, she described me as a Nomad.

I guess it didn't help that she reminded me that i'm not getting any younger too and as if that was a cue to cry, i burst into a stream of tears. I reckon if that Kleenex toilet paper ad with the labrador puppy was airing, i'd cry to that too. Seriously, EMO to the maximus!

I was even asked to do a simple pie chart of what my priorities in Life are...

I came out blank.

How is that possible? It's not like i didn't know the answer, something so simple and direct, i wasn't even able to complete. It's the new year damn it, i should be celebrating and happy. But i found myself sitting at Maccas for 2 hours nibbling on greasy fries and a fillet'o'fish thinking about what she had said and feeling more confused.

I wandered around sans a map only to find myself walking around in circles. It then took another hour for me to get home with only my tunes to keep me company. Slightly overcast i hid behind my over sized sunnies, hoping they'd shield my puffy eyes and moist cheeks.
.
.
.

But i don't think i fooled anyone.

STATUS: Hi I'm Christina. I currently live a nomadic lifestyle. I'm turning 28 this year AND i have no idea where i'm going in Life and what i want. I'm unemployed. I've moved back home after nearly 11 years. I have a boyfriend but he lives on the other side of the world and i don't know when we'll see each other next and i miss him already. I have yet to meet people make friends. I reside in a concrete jungle.

Seriously, i need to wake the fuck up and scrape myself off the wall soon before something really dramatic happens. But in the mean time... my brain hurts.

Thank you!

A massive thank you to my friends for organising a farewell dinner + drinks last night... i really appreciate it. Oh and thanks YC again for the Maccas "ass" cushion... ehhehe I LOVE IT. Not forgetting a huge thanks to Chook for taking care of me when i'm in my intoxicated state and making sure i got back in one piece.

Dinner was at Jarrod & Rawlins [i'm so glad that you boys picked that place... the place is great]. I'm sure i forgot to thank everyone personally but i am very grateful. I guess i just wanted to say thank you all so much to those who came. Once i upload the photos, i'll post the link. But after looking through my photos, surprisingly, i didn't take that many. My own farewell and i didn't go snappy happy crazy... how odd.

A few of us went on to GG's brother's bar, Hana to continue the intoxication mission and as usual i was the only girl at the table. Then at some point during the evening in a drunken moment, i made my little speech telling them how much they'll be missed. How much i love them and that i'll always be their Bass Agents Pimpstress and bla, bla, bla. After which, i did get emotional and as predicted the combination of too much alcohol and sadness did indeed evoke tears.

I'm such a girl!

*sigh*

Sooner rather than later

It seems like i'll be leaving sooner than anticipated.

I have roughly 3 weeks to do all the necessary. I still have an apartment to pack up before my lease runs out, one last deadline to complete, a cat to send off to quarantine, debts to settle and more than a handful of friends to notify and say farewell to.

It all feels so surreal that i'm moving countries again. My time is up and i can already feel the sadness approaching...

"Everything's going to be Alright"

Alicia Keys - No One

I just want you close
Where you can stay forever
You can be sure
That it will only get better

You and me together
Through the days and nights
I dont worry cause
Everythings gonna be alright
People keep talking
They can say what they like
But all I know is everything's gonna be alright

No one no one no one
Can get in the way of what I'm feeling
No one no one no one
Can get in the way of what I feel for you
You you
Can get in the way of what I feel for you

When the rain is pouring down
And my heart is hurting
You will always be around
This I know for certain

You and me together
Through the days and nights
I dont worry cause
Everythings gonna be alright
People keep talking
They can say what they like
But all I know is everything's gonna be alright

No one no one no one
Can get in the way of what I'm feeling
No one no one no one
Can get in the way of what I feel for you
You you
Can get in the way of what I feel for you

I know some people search the world
To find something like what we have
I know people will try
Try to divide
Something so real
So till the end of time
Im telling you that

No one no one no one
Can get in the way of what I'm feeling
No one no one no one
Can get in the way of what I feel for you
oh oh oh....

[source: Alicia Keys Online]

J.a// Thank you for the reassurance and for this song... m u... xox

Still lingering...

I woke up several times during the night thinking that he would still be here but the cold air next to me replaced his warmth. And as i pick up pieces that i left lying around during the week, i start to miss him a little more each time.

I remember catching him getting lost in his deep thoughts and when he looks back at me, it's so intense. His smile melts me and there is a chemistry that gets stronger each time.

But throughout the day i've fallen in and out of sleep and each time i see him appear in my subconscious and it's as if he never left. We talk and do things as if it were real, it's very strange but my only explanation is that because I missed my meds yesterday, my subconscious and reality seem to work hand in hand.

And if it weren't for the physical items he's left behind and the additional ink that rests on my skin, i would be certain the past week was a dream. I'm still riding on cloud 9 and spent most of the night telling my friends from my previous company about him and how our paths crossed.

Seriously, it seems almost impossible for anyone to have such an impact on another but it's a feeling i can't explain. I remember we had lengthy conversations even back when we were just 13. So in reality, we've been in one anothers' lives for 15 years and it took 13 years apart for it to be just right.

Uh-oh... i've turned into one of those mushy love stories!

I don't know what it is about him but he makes me so happy and he's everything that i've ever wanted in a man [yes i know i've said it before. But hey in my slight tipsy state, if i can say it to his father face on when we all went out to dinner on Thursday... there is no shame].

But i haven't spent this little time with any ONE individual and felt so sure about myself.

It's as if everything clicked and for that week we were invincible. It was only on Friday that Reality hit and there were disturbances that made us realise Time was not on our side. It was as if the universe was keeping us in check and with random things happening to us during the day and the night before, it so happened to have lifted the rose tinted lenses from our sight.

*Sigh*

BUT i'm not going to try and over-analyze, i'm just going to ride on this feeling for as long as i can. So as i sit at home surrounded by my past and accompanied by the soothing voice of Corinne Bailey Rae, i can't imagine what it MIGHT be like for him on the other side of the world and the issues he has to deal with concerning his past.

Life works in mysterious ways and only Time will tell. Patience is a virtue BUT i think it's still up to us to fight for what we want.

I know it's totally crazy but if i look back at every person i've met thus far everyone pails in comparison to him. I only wish for us to see one another soon and for us to be together because it's not every day that this kinda shit happens.

13 years later

It's our last night together and as much as i try and shove the sad thoughts to the back of my head, they seem to creep up on me at various times during the day.

We had good intentions of waking up early to have breakfast before i headed off to work but we overslept... again. Our night was shared with DVDs, 3 bottles of wine, deep conversations and left over tuna + pesto with pasta. Perhaps the emotions are building up and once again it wasn't long until the tears appeared.

In fact it doesn't really matter what we do since just being with him gives me a sense of comfort. It's surreal and i will cherish what little time together we have for as long as i can remember.

There are no promises and neither am i hoping for anything. Time is unforgiving but i'm just grateful that he had enough guts to ask the girl who was about to cross the road whether she was the girl he once knew and shared a past with 13 years ago.

[Our last night...]