2 months. That's how long i've been on a break for and although there are moments - very few mind you, when i think i wouldn't mind jumping back into the rat race, the feeling doesn't last. But then like a slap to the face, i retreat back into my safety zone and think, no i'm not ready... not just yet. I don't think it's procrastination, it's more like the desire is not quite there... yet. I say "yet" because i like to think there is some optimism left and i am ridding myself of a long chapter and finally turning the page.
Which perhaps works in unison with my mood swings that unfortunately continue to be erratic. Can i blame my hormones?
But i am taking full advantage of this time being alone. In fact, i quite like it. I've gone as far as secluding myself from the outside world just because i can and "my world" feels much more safer - no raised voices, no complications, no misunderstandings, no conflict and no rules. I'm not sure if that's smart but i much prefer to keep the peace. Those thoughts of course, keep repeating itself like a broken record. But the tune is rather melodic and i'm sure soon enough they will blend in the back ground like white noise.
Perhaps it's not so obvious to those who do not know but my anti-social level has gone up by a few notches since i've moved down South... i have no idea why or maybe i do know but i'm still in denial - i still haven't figured that part out. I think i can be a rather sociable person but of late, i have no desire to try. It's easier to put it on Silent mode and deal with it at a more convenient time.
I look back to the time when i had no objection of injecting myself into circles where foreign words would float around me freely like a parasite. I found it easier to smile than to fight back. Often feeling alienated came part in parcel but yet i could never find the courage to speak out. I think i disguised my discomfort quite well but then i think, to who's benefit was that for? Hmmm... don't get me wrong, there were many great times but i find it harder to forget those moments that made an impact.
And it was only when i returned to my sanctuary did sense find its way back and once again, would be forgotten/forgiven until of course there would be a next time and i'd find myself back where i started. A vicious circle, knowing very well what the outcome would be and how i'd feel.
Was it worth it? Well let's just say i have no regrets. But it sure put me back into my space.
Roads - Portishead
Which perhaps works in unison with my mood swings that unfortunately continue to be erratic. Can i blame my hormones?
But i am taking full advantage of this time being alone. In fact, i quite like it. I've gone as far as secluding myself from the outside world just because i can and "my world" feels much more safer - no raised voices, no complications, no misunderstandings, no conflict and no rules. I'm not sure if that's smart but i much prefer to keep the peace. Those thoughts of course, keep repeating itself like a broken record. But the tune is rather melodic and i'm sure soon enough they will blend in the back ground like white noise.
Perhaps it's not so obvious to those who do not know but my anti-social level has gone up by a few notches since i've moved down South... i have no idea why or maybe i do know but i'm still in denial - i still haven't figured that part out. I think i can be a rather sociable person but of late, i have no desire to try. It's easier to put it on Silent mode and deal with it at a more convenient time.
I look back to the time when i had no objection of injecting myself into circles where foreign words would float around me freely like a parasite. I found it easier to smile than to fight back. Often feeling alienated came part in parcel but yet i could never find the courage to speak out. I think i disguised my discomfort quite well but then i think, to who's benefit was that for? Hmmm... don't get me wrong, there were many great times but i find it harder to forget those moments that made an impact.
And it was only when i returned to my sanctuary did sense find its way back and once again, would be forgotten/forgiven until of course there would be a next time and i'd find myself back where i started. A vicious circle, knowing very well what the outcome would be and how i'd feel.
Was it worth it? Well let's just say i have no regrets. But it sure put me back into my space.
Roads - Portishead
2 comments:
wow thanks for putting up the video, otherwise the memory of portishead could've been stayed buried for a while...
*smiles* Yea, i still can't get enough of Glory Box and Roads.
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