Merzenich Saved The Day.

Our plan was to drive on Sunday morning to our old apartment to clear out the cellar, remove the Christmas tree from the balcony and repair any damages in the apartment. For the last two weeks we've been planning to drive down but have always cancelled last minute because either we had overslept or weren't in the mood.

But then on Saturday evening J and i argued about something that i've already forgotten about but it wouldn't surprise me if it was related to him and his gaming. It then escalated to something entirely different after i made some other comment which eventually left us sleeping in separate rooms for the night.

Whether that was on purpose, i'm not quite sure.

So i got up early and did my own thing in the workroom. It was past one in the afternoon when i heard J tip-toeing around the apartment. Our floorboards squeak when you walk on them, which makes it impossible to sneak up on anyone. But when I heard him switch on the TV and seconds later the front door shut, i got worried.

He had left his phone on the counter which meant i couldn't get a hold of him.

And then it dawned on me, maybe he's pissed off at me because of the comment i made the night before.

So when i looked out the window, i saw him drive out of the car park space.

I wasn't sure whether i was angry or worried but the next thing i knew i slammed the side of my fist against the wooden part of the sofa causing the joint between my pinky finger and my palm to swell up.

By nature, i'm not usually an angry person but there are moments where Anger seems to take over.

Then twenty minutes later i hear the front door open.

It was J.

And just like a scene from a Bollywood movie, i race [in what looks like slow motion] from the workroom to the front door and wrap my arms around J as if i haven't seen him in months. Only to then burst into tears because i actually thought he was going to leave me.

I don't know why. Maybe i'm hormonal.

So when i asked him where he was and why didn't he bring his phone.

His reply was, he went out to buy bread rolls.

Bread rolls?

I later found out, he had actually planned on driving to our old apartment on his own and wanted to leave me at home. But then after buying bread rolls for himself, he thought about it twice and decided to turn back around.

Yup!

Proof that miscommunication, or the lack of it, can cause unnecessary stress on both parties.

But here's some photos of the journey there and back...

Bread rolls from our favorite bakery

&
really yummy round cake ball thingamajigs that i've forgotten the name of.

Somewhere along the highway.
The sky was blue but it was about zero degrees Celsius.

Sifting through past memories and trying to get rid of rubbish.

3 hours later and the car is full of all sorts of stuff
&
"I love you lots!"

We still have to drive back one more time to pick the other odds and ends and find our way to the junkyard to recycle a whole bunch of other crap we've accumulated in the past three years.

Oh yea and paint the wall AND remove the dying Christmas tree from the balcony. Yes i know it's February.

When will this move be over already!?

Stinking Mad!

[WARNING: RANT AHEAD]

Do you know what drives me up the goddamn stinking wall? Waking up before the crack of dawn and opening my bedroom door to the rest of the apartment and inhaling the stench of stale cigarettes.

Seriously, that smell never REALLY goes away.

OK, so i used to smoke.

But i don't now.

I started at the tender age of fourteen and decided sometime after Christmas last year that i had enough. I'm thirty now.

They say, the worst non-smokers out there, are the ones who have quit.

And i would have to agree with them.

Maybe it's because our senses have been renewed/cleansed. Or maybe our ducts have seen a new lease on life and would much rather get more, i dunno... oxygen perhaps!

I dunno, all I know is that i can't stand the smell of cigarette smoke!

I don't smoke but my clothes and hair smell as if i've dusted myself with ash.

It's gross and i don't like it.

What's worse is my sore throat has now escalated to my thyroid gland being swollen causing me great discomfort when i swallow or even take a sip of water. If only there was such a thing that second-hand cigarette smoke causes such inflammation and could be in fact fatal, then maybe, just MAYBE, J will have the decency to go out on the goddamn balcony and smoke!

But his excuse is, "It's too cold."

Fair enough.

It's 8˚C at the moment, then wear a PAIR OF FUCKING SOCKS!

We even made this deal that he switches the fan on, open the balcony door and lights scented candles, that way the place doesn't smell like an ashtray.

But when i woke up just now, none of them were lit and the balcony door was only slightly open.

When i asked him, why he didn't light any.

He says, "You were sleeping."

Yeah, i WAS sleeping, now i'm awake AND now it fucking stinks!

And to make matters worse, he's still playing that fucking battle ships game since last night. So much for us spending time together!

His excuse is that it's "his time out".

It's his way of de-stressing. But each time i bicker and complain, he goes all ape shit on me and says it stresses him out even more and tells me not to act like his mother.

WELL FUCK YOU TOO!

I've had a restless seven hours sleep but perhaps seven peaceful hours for him.

And now i'm awake to the living room door slammed shut because that's where he is right now clicking away and polluting that side of the apartment.

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRR....

It makes me so fucking angry!!! HE sometimes MAKES ME SO FUCKING ANGRY!!!

We're supposed to be driving to Cologne at 1 PM today.

But after this early mornings' confrontation and door slamming, it wouldn't surprise me that he plays that stupid game all morning just to spite me.

I, seriously, loathe waking up in a fucked up mood.

It's pitch black outside and nobody in their right mind would be up this early on a weekend unless of course they have work to do.

*Breathe IN with the Good*
.
.
.
*Breathe OUT with the Bad*
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.
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*Breathe IN with the Good*
.
.
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*Breathe OUT with the Bad*
.
.
.

But THIS is the kind of stress that probably causes my hair to fall out in clumps.

This rage is the kind that i'm too familiar with.

I thought i was over it and to have it back in my life it just makes me just sick. I'm trying to control myself but i can feel my heart clench. I imagine my blood boiling with frustration.

I know, i may have been a much nicer person as a smoker. And maybe, i'd even save myself a few grey hairs if i'd just join him for a smoke or two but for the time being, i'm standing my ground and protesting.

Oh, my head hurts.

First Impressions.

They say it takes about 30 seconds to make a first impression and i can only assume the more narrow-minded and conservative one is, the shorter the time.

I say this based on an event that happened yesterday.

I had met up with my very pregnant friend whom i've only known for a few months and after 2 hours of wandering around the city eating ice-cream and admiring clothes that neither one of us could afford, we bumped into her mother-in-law.

My German is still shit, so trying to make even small talk was a bit of a challenge.

J was still at work and i still had some time to spare, so both my broken German and i accompanied them to Nordsee since they were hungry.

Then half way through their meal the mother-in-law sees the tattoo on the underside of my arm and asks me what it is.

Thinking that she's interested and knowing very well i don't know how to explain its' meaning to her in German, i find myself struggling to remember even the simplest of words like Himmel und Hölle which means Heaven and Hell and ends up only being a fraction of what it actually means.

I go on to say that i've got more on my body and immediately she rolls her eyes to the side.

It's obvious that she disapproves, so i don't go into detail but can't help but think, how rude! Why did she even ask what it was to begin with?

My very pregnant friend, who has no tattoos and probably in the eyes of her mother-in-law is an angel, says that when she was younger she wanted a small tattoo but ended up not getting one.

icanhascheezburger

Assuming i knew what her mother-in-law's opinion was on the subject, i went ahead and asked my friend what her mother would have said if she did get a tattoo. Then the MILs' younger son, who was sitting across from me, rephrases the question, what would your mother-in-law say!?

The look on the womans' face was classic.

I could see a surge of panic go through her veins. She looked absolutely horrified at the thought that the woman carrying her first grandson would even think of ruining her paler than white skin.

I'm sure if her thoughts were translated it would sound something like, Stay away from Christina, she's a bad influence!

Then she busts out with something along the lines of how "Natural" is better. The more, the merrier.

And according to her, tweezing ones' eyebrows is OK but any more than that is not. Once i heard that, i wondered what her thoughts are on Brazilian waxes and hair dye? They're both not permanent but they do alter ones' appearance drastically.

Then my friend points out that she had 7 ear piercings in each ear and the woman immediately shook her head again. And emphasises that the holes will never really disappear. I could only imagine what horrible thoughts she had of my labret [the piercing below my lip] which was staring blankly at her.

Looking at her sizing me up and judging me on my appearance made me so angry!

I should have just got up and left but i didn't.

And to my defense i was only capable of saying, Not everybody likes tattoos. And at that moment wished i was fluent in German so i could have given her my real two cents worth.


To top it all off, it probably didn't help that i wore my Emily the Strange shoes with skulls that day either. God only knows she probably told her daughter-in-law in the car how inappropriate and morbid they were for a 30-year old woman to wear.

And so J tried to cheer me up by saying, Don't worry about it. She's nobody.

Part of the KSK and a depleting bank balance.

Last year i was given an opportunity to work on some design work and as much as i bitched and moaned that i didn't want to have anything to do with graphic design, i needed the money.

So to make the whole project legit, i decided to register a design company. I have an EU Dutch passport, why not? I had no Savings despite having worked for the past 4 years but what i wanted more than anything was to start a new life with J in 2008 [here]. And so the bills continued to accumulate.

MAY 2009
J thought it would be good that i apply at the Kuenstlersozialkasse (Artists’ Social Fund; KSK) which is restricted to only independent Artists & Designers that way i could get public health insurance and so i did [here].

"Being a member means that you stay in the state pension scheme and that the KSK pays half your pension contribution and half your health insurance contribution. Being insured in the state pension scheme means that you qualify for an invalidity pension if you can no longer work." [source]

Just so you know, it's compulsory for every person residing in Germany to be covered. It's illegal if you don't have health insurance. And so when i arrived in 2008 my sister helped me sign up with a Comprehensive package at AXA PPP in the UK.

JULY 2009
I had to send KSK a ridiculous amount of evidence to show that i was a "graphic designer". Copies of any invoices and signed contracts were also needed. Since we all know Germans love their paperwork, i gave them as much as i could.

We were told it would take several months to process and there's no guarantee that every person will get it. The only other way that one could get into the German health system is if a) you're German citizen or b) you get married to a German and be covered by their insurance.

Well neither of those options were applicable. And so i had no choice but try my luck.

And was told i had to contact a local health insurance company to say i was applying at KSK. And since J is with AOK, i decide to go with them too.

OCTOBER/NOVEMBER 2009
J calls the office just about every month to find how the progress was going and is simply told we just had to wait.

FEBRUARY 2010
J calls and the person on the phone tells us that my file has not been looked at. Basically, they forgot! The person apologies and says i must send any current invoices that i have for 2010 because it's the new year and they have to make their calculations based on how much i think i may earn for the year.

Lucky for me, i was offered a few logos and corporate identity manuals to work on. So i was able to send them some invoices and in turn pay for outstanding bills.

MARCH 2010
I receive a letter that says they've decided and that i've been accepted. Yay, finally!


And not only do i now have health insurance, long-term care insurance but i have a pension. So when i'm old and crusty, i'll have some money to blow. They've also back dated it to April 2009 and based on how much i earned, i now must pay them 1,619.88 Euros for the past 9 months!

One bloody thousand six hundred and nineteen Euros and eighty eight cents.

Which is totally unfair since i wasn't even sent a health insurance card to utilise the service. Why should i pay for a health cover that i didn't even use or even know about? I find out that half the amount also goes to my Pension.

But still, that's my money!

APRIL 2010
I then receive my local health insurance card with a fancy chip on it.

So J calls them and states my case and says, i've only just received my card and that there must have been a mistake. I was only just admitted into the KSK. And so they cover their arses by saying that my international health cover was not sufficient and that's why they're back dating it. Hello!? Where were you when i was on the operating table in January? They weren't there to pay for my bills. Thank gawd AXA PPP was, there'd be no way, i could have payed for the hospital bills.

And so on top of being totally irritated that i have to pay them money for a service i was not even entitled to until not even a month ago, i have to pay 206.64 Euros EVERY month for as long as i live. So after calculating, by the end of this year i should have to fork over 1,859.76 Euros PLUS the 1,619.88 Euros that i supposedly owe them!

That's nearly 3,500 Euros!

Gone. Just like that. It's insane.

I mean, that's a shit load of money. So i told J, i should make full use of my health cover and just camp out at the doctor's office, so at least i get part of my money's worth. Or just pack my things and move elsewhere.

"The average state health insurance contribution is €500 a month, which is split between employee and employer – while the self-employed pay everything themselves, unless they’re lucky enough to be in the Kuenstlersozialkasse for freelancers in creative professions. But both state and private health insurance companies have increased their premiums in recent months as rising unemployment has put more pressure on the welfare state." [source]

More proof that it's so bloody expensive to live in Europe.

My project is split into several jobs, so i'm being paid in installments and only when they are complete, i'll get the balance. And as soon as any money comes in, i have to transfer a partial chunk of it to pay for insurance that i never knew i had, not forgetting the 206.64 Euros/month.

So on top of having a bad case of laryngitis and yet another upcoming deadline, i am dangerously close to having a 2-digit bank balance.

Yup, sucks to be me right now.

Covered in mourning dust.

I think the reality of what has happened has finally hit and last night i cried myself to sleep. I woke up feeling emotionally drained and wanting to crawl right back into bed.

When i see mothers-to-be on the TV or in real life, i can't help but feel a sense of emptiness. Maybe 'emptiness' is not the right word. I don't know what the word is. I didn't think the ectopic pregnancy would have effected me as much as it's done.

Sometime during the early evening J and i were lying side by side and i suddenly got overwhelmed by the closeness. For the first time i told him i was scared and out of nowhere started to cry. And as he reassured me it's OK to mourn, i couldn't help but think my distance and sadness is the cause of some of our misunderstandings.

Maybe i'm just being emo.

For years i wondered whether i was capable of having children. A curiosity perhaps. And despite going for my check ups and doctors telling me my ovaries are fine, it never occurred to me that i would one day blame my fallopian tubes for the loss of a perfectly healthy baby-to-be.

But i'm hoping one day to be proved wrong.

I'm supposed to wait at least 6 weeks before i am fully healed. My doctor reminded me that should i wish to be pregnant again, it is strongly recommended that i wait 3 months before trying. But at the rate that i'm feeling, 3 months seem so close.

Yes i know it's only been 2 weeks but already the fear that one day it could all happen again flashes through my head. There's no doubt, that this chapter in my life has messed with my head.

And before anyone says, you're so young you don't have to worry. Stop stressing! Lots of women go on to having babies. My question to you is, have you ever miscarried? Have you gone through the same thing as me? If not, then please let me grieve so i can get this out of my system.

I'm sorry.

I have also read several reports that say 1 in 50 or 60 pregnancies are ectopic. Which i can't decide whether that's a lot or not. But i have this image of a wedding banquet and there's 5 tables with 10 chairs to each one and there is little ol' me sitting on one of the chairs; the one of the 50 chairs.

I know this sounds lame but to be honest, i never knew it was possible that an embryo could implant itself in any other place than the uterus. And how life threatening it could be for the mother should the fallopian tube rupture due to blood loss.

I've read that there's a 15% chance that a woman can get an ectopic pregnancy again but i've also read that some women go on to have perfectly healthy babies after. I guess it's like a game of Russian roulette. I'm giving myself till i'm 35 to have a kid. And even though there's nothing i could have done to have prevented it, it's the thought that i was capable of being pregnant but it was just my "bad luck" that it embedded itself in the wrong place.

But the way mother nature works is just because one has only one fallopian tube, the body somehow is still able to get eggs from both ovaries. I guess it's just smart that way. And as J put it, there's a reason why Mother Nature gave women two fallopian tubes to begin with.

Anyway, i don't know if i'm being silly but i can't seem to get the strength to upload the photos i took during our Christmas getaway without feeling slightly sad. Each time i think back i wonder, whether having known i was pregnant earlier would have made me emotionally any better. As i think back to the weeks leading up to January 2nd, i clearly remember there were times when i had a gut feeling that i was pregnant especially when i hadn't eaten and felt nauseous.

So please bear with me whilst i try and sort myself out.

A shitty start to the day.

Stolen from Milchmithonig

Last night i managed to finish the first section of my lil Project. *Huge pat on the back for me* I even managed to stick to my own production schedule and sent it to the client on time. Hesitant at first to press 'SEND' in case i forgot something like attaching the attachment or worse, there was a huge error and the PDFs were corrupted. But luck was on my side and the first part is finally out.

It must have been close to 1am by the time i got into bed. I thought i'd have trouble sleeping since i had digested so much caffeine during the day. I remember i tossed and turned to find a comfortable spot since my right calf muscle felt like a huge paper weight. Next thing i knew i heard the phone ring.

J sat up immediately and the first words to come out of his mouth were...

"Scheiiiiiiiiiisse!"

Uh oh. Not exactly words of encouragement to start off the day. J's never woken up and uttered words in German first thing in the morning. Well not to me that is.

We over slept. Before i could get a grasp of the day, J was on the phone speaking with HER. J volunteered to bring Little L to school this week in order to make HER life easier. I could hear J apologising for oversleeping and just as i was eavesdropping and translating one language into another, he threw the phone on to the bedside table. I saw it in slow motion. It crashed into the water bottle and slid between a cup and the alarm clock as if it were making a home run.

And all i could think was, "uh-oh."

One thing i don't like is when things get thrown out of anger. Yes it releases an ounce of Anger but it also can break shit! J's not an "angry" person. Well not that i know of but somehow if it's related to HER, he gets super worked up and turns into this beast.

I kept my distance. I boiled some water and hovered around in the kitchen. I didn't want to be in the cross-fire. I stood by the doorway and asked if he wanted coffee and before i could finish the sentence he replied with, NoooOooo.

There's something about a person who is stricken with Anger and Fury that makes me want to hide. So i thought it would be best to sit at my desk.

Just wait until the storm settles, i thought. Then he came around the corner and kissed me good-bye, just as he always does. There was no time for breakfast or a morning chit chat. "Hop-hop!!!" Instead i tried to hug his Anger away. I calmly reminded him that, it's O.K. [This is coming from someone who would be Miss Dramatasi and yell on the top of her lungs when stressed. Swear at her AEs for putting the pressure on her and have mental images of throwing her hot coffee against the wall].

"Don't be so Angers. People make mistakes. And yes we forgot to turn on the alarm. And so what if you're a few minutes late to get her to school, at least you're getting there. It's not thaaaat late anyway."

I waved good-bye to him at the top of the stairs as i always do and thought, "well god damn, that was a shitty start to any day." I walked back in and closed the door softly behind me. If only i could see the stress vibes pouring out of the bedroom. I wonder what they would look like?

Great. Wouldn't it be my luck that i have no more tobacco left.

Attack of the blood suckin' bitches!

Apart from my night out on Friday, i've spent a huge portion of my weekend at home.

KL's unpredictable, wanky weather has invited an army of blood sucking bitches to hide out in my place! And because they're smart, the whole extended family have now trapped themselves indoors and are showing their anger.

I have no choice but sacrifice my sanity and be their victim!

Patience is definitely not one my qualities. These freak of nature insects have successfully pushed my irritation level a few notches. As if they are bionic, they seem to be immune to the repellent.

I admit i have little patience even when wandering aimlessly through a crowded shopping mall. I see NO joy in trying to dodge and overtake clueless shoppers whilst doing my errands. The less crowds, the better.

But with no real reason to spend and a cheque not yet cleared, i'm doing myself a favor and preventing impulse purchases by staying at home today. As a result, my soon-to-be flat arse has attached itself on this chair for the past countless hours and my back continues to hunch over in front of my laptop.

My only time-outs are when i transform into a couch potato allowing temporary relief by focusing on mindless television programmes. And then like magic, soon find myself staring at my 13.3 inch screen again.

I am certain the walls of my lungs are now heavily stained with an unhealthy combination of nicotine, Sheltox and Citronella oil. My skin now shimmers with layers of anti-itch cream and mosquito repellent and various sized red patches!

Seriously, i foresee an extremely restless night and a SUPER GRUMPY, sleep deprived employee tomorrow!

WHY WON'T YOU DIE?
BLOOD SUCKIN' BITCHES LEAVE ME ALONE!

So sad... so sad.

No words can describe how devastated i feel about what happened last night.

Just because i'm not a DJ doesn't mean i'm not passionate about the music. I'm sure i'm not the only one whose dedicated practically all of their free time trying to manipulate the minds of those willing to accept a genre and believing that their friends can push the music boundaries.

And because of that, for the last 2 years, my personal life has taken a back seat. Not because i had to but because i wanted to. And when it came to believing in my boys and pushing for our night, i did take it seriously and to heart.

Why? God only knows.

So what if the government insists that the clubbing age is 21 and above, it's beyond our control. And neither is it our fault that the music so happens to attract those that are below the legal age.

In all honesty, i can't help but feel disappointed that it took 7 months for all our hard work to come crashing down.

And people wonder why, there aren't as many people trying to put together events like these. All you need is one unfortunate incident for a few people to forget all their previous Hardsequence experiences.

It's ok. Life goes on, let's all listen to R'nB.

"It's a pedestrian crossing, you moron!"

Whilst digesting lunch and sipping on a take-away Bakerzin's coffee we made our walk back towards the office. And as we approached a cross-section we slowed down to "look right and left". I saw a red mercedes and a cab approaching but they were far enough that i wouldn't end up as road kill.

I was half way across the road, practically on the other side when the mercedes was forced to stop. It was if he was competing in a Let's-Knock-Over-a-Pedestrian game and wanted to gain 50 points. I turned to look at the driver and under my breath said...

"What the fuck!? I'm fucking crossing the road!"

By the time i reached the other side, the cab driver next to him had decided that he'd show his dominance by honking his horn. At which time i turned around and that was when MissSeniorPisces was on the pedestrian crossing and yelled on the top of her lungs to not only inform him but the whole block,

"It's a pedestrian crossing, YOU MORON!"

Some people are so impatient! So what if you were 5 seconds late? Why is there so much road rage!

And as it clearly states, "Pedestrians have the right of way as soon as they start to cross the road. You should stop at the crossing if a pedestrian is crossing the road or waiting to cross." [source]

Motorists should either study their driving manual/retake their driving exam or even better, they should just calm the fuck down, it's Friday for god's sake. It's not like we were J-walking, i was on a zebra crossing.