I dreamt of my ex last night. I haven't written about him in ages that i can't even remember whether i abbreviated his name. I haven't spoken to him or heard anything about him since i sent him that out-of-the-blue sms in the middle of 2007 to see how he was. Then for him to reply with, Great, i just got married...
Once and awhile - not too often though, that day replays in my head.
How i broke down in the middle of my living room wailing like someone had just butchered someone dear to me. My heart felt like it had been sucked out of its' cavity and as drama as i could be, fell to my knees. I cried not because i thought we'd get back together but for some other reasons that's probably irrational and typical of an ex-girlfriend who had difficulty letting go.
I mean we weren't even on talking terms. In fact, i can't even remember the last time we saw one another without me feeling bitter and rejected. Oh wait. Maybe it was that one drunken night i walked right up to him and planted a kiss on his lips only metres from the girl he had dumped me for. I think that was in 2004.
I can't be sure.
Alcohol does funny things to people, to me anyhow. It makes me do stupid things sometimes and even blacks me out. In that particular case, it helped to fuel the Jealousy and chased me around like a shadow.
So in my dream, it looks like his wife has had another baby and they're each pushing a stroller side by side. They're walking down a hotel lobby and for some reason i'm in the lounge. Why? Seriously WHY? Out of the thousands of hotels built, why do i have to be sitting in the very same one as him!
He passes me and looks directly at me but makes no effort to slow down. I duck down like i have something to hide.
I imagine him saying, "Hi Chris", as he would but this time, he says nothing. He's looking rather stressed. I think he's been up all night taking care of a screaming baby who at this time is sound asleep and spreadeagle like a starfish. They turn the corner and i can't remember whether i bother to chase after him or i just walk out and turn the other direction.
Not like it matters. But i know our paths won't ever cross again.
...
And not because it's of any importance but i do wonder how he's doing sometimes. How fatherhood and married life are treating him. You know, all the questions that a friend would ask. And i can't help but wonder if he wonders about me sometimes. After all we've known one another since we were 15. All this wondering is stupid, i know. I've cut him out of my life completely, not because i think he's a bad person but because i had to.
It was a case of Life or Death. I was at the pinnacle of my depression and was very sleep deprived. And who knows what craziness or the stalker in me could do. That said, i wonder if he's one of my silent readers.
I doubt it.
So my only solution to my curiosity is to imagine a typical conversation, "Hi Chris. How are you?" And for the first time actually mean it when i say, "I'm doing great, thank you. And yourself?"
Once and awhile - not too often though, that day replays in my head.
How i broke down in the middle of my living room wailing like someone had just butchered someone dear to me. My heart felt like it had been sucked out of its' cavity and as drama as i could be, fell to my knees. I cried not because i thought we'd get back together but for some other reasons that's probably irrational and typical of an ex-girlfriend who had difficulty letting go.
I mean we weren't even on talking terms. In fact, i can't even remember the last time we saw one another without me feeling bitter and rejected. Oh wait. Maybe it was that one drunken night i walked right up to him and planted a kiss on his lips only metres from the girl he had dumped me for. I think that was in 2004.
I can't be sure.
Alcohol does funny things to people, to me anyhow. It makes me do stupid things sometimes and even blacks me out. In that particular case, it helped to fuel the Jealousy and chased me around like a shadow.
So in my dream, it looks like his wife has had another baby and they're each pushing a stroller side by side. They're walking down a hotel lobby and for some reason i'm in the lounge. Why? Seriously WHY? Out of the thousands of hotels built, why do i have to be sitting in the very same one as him!
He passes me and looks directly at me but makes no effort to slow down. I duck down like i have something to hide.
I imagine him saying, "Hi Chris", as he would but this time, he says nothing. He's looking rather stressed. I think he's been up all night taking care of a screaming baby who at this time is sound asleep and spreadeagle like a starfish. They turn the corner and i can't remember whether i bother to chase after him or i just walk out and turn the other direction.
Not like it matters. But i know our paths won't ever cross again.
...
And not because it's of any importance but i do wonder how he's doing sometimes. How fatherhood and married life are treating him. You know, all the questions that a friend would ask. And i can't help but wonder if he wonders about me sometimes. After all we've known one another since we were 15. All this wondering is stupid, i know. I've cut him out of my life completely, not because i think he's a bad person but because i had to.
It was a case of Life or Death. I was at the pinnacle of my depression and was very sleep deprived. And who knows what craziness or the stalker in me could do. That said, i wonder if he's one of my silent readers.
I doubt it.
So my only solution to my curiosity is to imagine a typical conversation, "Hi Chris. How are you?" And for the first time actually mean it when i say, "I'm doing great, thank you. And yourself?"
2 comments:
you only have to ask. x
ooOoo... that's a tough one. Not sure about that. It would be like opening a can of worms. I think i much prefer the conversation in my head.
.
.
.
Maybe when it's my turn to get married, then maybe i'll send him a sms.
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