Like a Jigsaw Puzzle.

18:43

It's the last Tuesday of July for this year and there are already signs that Autumn is approaching. The temperature has pretty much halved since the start of the month and scattered bursts of sunshine have accompanied my day.

Today, we're barely pushing past 20˚C and i've just woken up from a lovely afternoon nap.

Anyway, i can't believe i'm three days away from my last day of my B1-1 German course. If i really think about it, i think i'm actually going to miss going to class every day. Partly because yesterday, after studying after class, i actually kinda got my head around how the fourth German case : Genitive is used and what its' prepositions are. A chapter that previously gave me instant headaches.

But i reckon if i self-study and keep making an effort to practise my German through speaking, it will all snap into place.

[Some] wishes do come true, ya know.

And lately, i've been dreaming a lot in German. Whether i'm speaking grammatically correct, i don't know but those who are in my subconscious seem to understand what i'm saying.

It's definitely nice to have a fluid conversation with someone that doesn't tilt their head to the side in hopes that that would help make more sense of my sentences. If only i could remember what we talked about.

But i'm a week away from really focusing my energy on getting a job.

I mentioned before i'm in need of work but this time i really mean it.

I've also decided i really want to work at the Koelner Zoo - Germany's third oldest. Not only is it a few tram stops away from where we live but i can't think of anything better to do than if i care for animals.

I'm also hoping the job pays, even if it's just a mini job where there's a limit to how many hours one can work [40 hours/month] and i only get paid 400 Euro.

In my opinion, that's better than nothing.

But i've read somewhere that the internship waiting list can be quite long especially now that the Summer holidays have started. I've also read interns don't actually get paid anything but i could be wrong.

J suggested that during Little L's visit we go visit the zoo and whilst i'm there i can find out if there are any jobs available.

My fingers are crossed.

For those of you who've just tuned in, Little L is J's nine year old daughter. She lives in Ireland with her brothers, mother [J's ex-girlfriend] and her mother's boyfriend. I say brothers with a S because J's ex got pregnant by her boyfriend last year and she gave birth to another son in January.

I can't believe it's already been two years since we last visited them in Ireland and it's already close to three and a half years since i first stepped foot in this country.

Time has changed my perception of life but maybe it's just age talking.

Life is like a jigsaw puzzle and as tedious as it may seem to want to complete, it's the satisfaction of finally finding the exact piece to fit in order to want to carry on.

How are you?

I dreamt of my ex last night. I haven't written about him in ages that i can't even remember whether i abbreviated his name. I haven't spoken to him or heard anything about him since i sent him that out-of-the-blue sms in the middle of 2007 to see how he was. Then for him to reply with, Great, i just got married...

Once and awhile - not too often though, that day replays in my head.

How i broke down in the middle of my living room wailing like someone had just butchered someone dear to me. My heart felt like it had been sucked out of its' cavity and as drama as i could be, fell to my knees. I cried not because i thought we'd get back together but for some other reasons that's probably irrational and typical of an ex-girlfriend who had difficulty letting go.

I mean we weren't even on talking terms. In fact, i can't even remember the last time we saw one another without me feeling bitter and rejected. Oh wait. Maybe it was that one drunken night i walked right up to him and planted a kiss on his lips only metres from the girl he had dumped me for. I think that was in 2004.

I can't be sure.

Alcohol does funny things to people, to me anyhow. It makes me do stupid things sometimes and even blacks me out. In that particular case, it helped to fuel the Jealousy and chased me around like a shadow.

So in my dream, it looks like his wife has had another baby and they're each pushing a stroller side by side. They're walking down a hotel lobby and for some reason i'm in the lounge. Why? Seriously WHY? Out of the thousands of hotels built, why do i have to be sitting in the very same one as him!

He passes me and looks directly at me but makes no effort to slow down. I duck down like i have something to hide.

I imagine him saying, "Hi Chris", as he would but this time, he says nothing. He's looking rather stressed. I think he's been up all night taking care of a screaming baby who at this time is sound asleep and spreadeagle like a starfish. They turn the corner and i can't remember whether i bother to chase after him or i just walk out and turn the other direction.

Not like it matters. But i know our paths won't ever cross again.

...

And not because it's of any importance but i do wonder how he's doing sometimes. How fatherhood and married life are treating him. You know, all the questions that a friend would ask. And i can't help but wonder if he wonders about me sometimes. After all we've known one another since we were 15. All this wondering is stupid, i know. I've cut him out of my life completely, not because i think he's a bad person but because i had to.

It was a case of Life or Death. I was at the pinnacle of my depression and was very sleep deprived. And who knows what craziness or the stalker in me could do. That said, i wonder if he's one of my silent readers.

I doubt it.

So my only solution to my curiosity is to imagine a typical conversation, "Hi Chris. How are you?" And for the first time actually mean it when i say, "I'm doing great, thank you. And yourself?"

The tale of the Invisible hole and the Confused.

I was rudely awaken by the sound of scraping and what sounded like fingers raking the wallpaper at 7:30am. Thinking it would go away i tried to ignore it. But i couldn't. The sound only escalated to hammering at around 9. It sounded like it was directly above my head. I sat up thinking that whoever it was that felt the urge to do household repairs at such an absurd time had dug a hole in our bedroom wall and was now standing beside our bed.

But there was no person or hole, just that annoying banging sound.

So i grabbed my duvet [J has his own] and made my way to the living room and threw it on the sofa. We have no curtains or blinds in there, so not only was the sound not pleasant but the brightness was just as annoying. There i was hoping that i would escape the sound but to my disappointment the sound seemed to follow me. It echoed throughout the apartment and i could feel a headache coming on.

I must have fallen asleep because the next thing i knew it was 11am and i had just dreamt of a murder of which i had been apparently involved in. I went back into the room to see if there was any damage to our wall. Half awake, barefoot and very confused from the dream, i stood there thinking there'd be a dead body tucked away somewhere.

But there was nothing. Not even J.

I was sure i didn't say good-bye to him this morning. I knew he didn't have to go into work until much later. And for a second there i panicked. He wasn't in the bathroom or the kitchen. Our place is not that big and has very few hiding spots. But it took me a while to register that we actually have another bedroom directly opposite our room. One that screams CHILD ZONE.


And nestled in a cloud of primary and secondary colours there he was, oblivious to what had just happened he peeled open his eyes. Distracted once again, all i could think was, why didn't i think about hiding in this room?

In Your Arms

I had a dream that HE was going out with HER. 2 Pasts getting together and on other sides of the world. Both have never met but SHE gave birth to a little one. Unrealistic i know as one has a family and is married, the other has 2 little bubs of her own and is embarking on a new relationship.

It was a strange sight and i woke up very confused.

Of course i googled the dream and one particular site said, "Did You Smother Your Ex Boyfriend?" And then i went on to reading and it says, "Women are biologically more insecure than men. They are incapable of engaging in more than a few sexual relationships at a time... this insecurity is laid in women's genes, and they always look for the perfect mate who will be capable of not only fathering her own child but also in maintain security in the relationship. Men however, are biologically more capable of having sex with many women at the same time. They have the upper hand, and commitment to a relationship is a big deal for them."

Hmmm. Damn those emotions.

"It is only when you become apprehensive of losing the guy that you start smothering him. It shows not your love, but your insecurity in the relationship, where you persistently ask the same specific questions. You want constant assurance about the future, and you start nagging him..."

I think at one point in most relationships one does that. Hoping that the other will not turn their cheek and say otherwise. They ask the same ole' Do You Still Love Me question.

14+ months into my relationship we still ask the same ole' question.

And for some reason i remembered when my ex went through an eye operation and i remembered how scared i was, not only for him but my very own emotions. It got me so much closer to him, i felt such extreme emotions.

Then it got me thinking about how similar J's situation was 2 weeks ago, when he had to be admitted into hospital. Unprepared for what was to come, i came home and cried uncontrollably. Although we'd see each other during the day, i would wake up several times during the night missing his warmth beside me.

He's been back for 5 days.

But i still wake up in the middle of the night frantically patting the bed in desperate search for him. Scared that he's gone.

I've been busy experimenting and blending fresh vegetables for our soups. Cooking balanced meals with fish and being extra careful to eliminate ingredients that are harmful. I haven't eaten so much fresh vegetables in ages.

Sometimes i catch myself thinking about the new year and i know when it comes around, he will return to the hospital. Part of me doesn't want 2008 to end. And the routine of timed hospital visits will begin yet again. I know i'm not the one being operated but that doesn't mean i can't be scared. The smell of disinfectant still lingers.

...

And this is for those of you who's in Germany and have been watching Popstars.



"Let me sleeeeeeeeeeeep in your aaaaaarms..."

I'll admit it, we're BOTH glued to the TV when it's on every Thursday. "Jill" one of the past candidates was chosen to sing one of Stanfour's song. Truth is, i've never heard of Stanfour before but the song kinda sticks to you.

Damn it. Now it's in my head.

Where Is My Money???

I was rudely awaken by a vibration this morning. J was already in the shower and thought to myself, "5 more minutes, JUST 5 more minutes". I had buried myself under his duvet i like to call, "The Cloud Formation". Seriously, without fail i am able to pass out each time, i can't believe how comfortable his feather down duvet is.

"BrrRrrrrrr brrRrrrrr..."

There it goes again! It can't be my alarm because usually by now i would have switched it off. It's not even 9 yet. Finally i found it. It must have been those Pixie stealers again! Movin' my stuff around without my knowledge. Or maybe i was responsible for not being arsed enough to put it back on the side table.

*shrugs* The word, Withheld flashed impatiently across my Sony Ericsson.

For a second there i thought it was an overseas call and a bolt of excitement ran through me. Maybe a random "hello" from back home? Or maybe Mediamarkt was calling to tell me that the DVDs for Season 10 of Friends that we ordered had arrived. At 9:10 am? That's a bit eager!

In a puzzled voice i answered, "Hallo?"
"Guten Morgen. Ist Frau R** da?" The familiar voice on the other line began.

My brain hadn't switched on properly but i was still able to answer the phone. And like a game of Simon Says i attempted to put on a perky voice and was able to spit out, "Guten Morgen. Ja. Hallo. Frau R** hier."

It was the Bank to tell me that my money that i had in my previous account in Bonn had not yet transferred into my Düsseldorf account. Even though i was able to withdraw and use my ATM card to make purchases, which i had done, i, in fact was not allowed.

Uh-oh.

How dangerous is that!? Even though i'm not that much in debt, i'm sure there are people out there making MASSIVE purchases and withdrawing the maximum.

So slightly confused and concerned, all i could think about was, OhMyFuckinGawd, where did my money go? I got J to call the Bank and now we just wait.



Not quite the same but it's like the scene in Jerry McGuire and Tom Cruise yells into the phone, "SHOW ME THE MONEY!"

Apparently it takes 5 working days. But today is already the 6th. Nobody informed us it would take so long for one branch to inform the other of a new account. And should i have known, i wouldn't be simply withdrawing money and i would have taken out a sufficient amount to last at least a week.

Damn it, i'm now marked as being in the "minus" ranks. So here i say, "SHOW ME MY MONEY!"

PS. I must remember to answer the phone with my Surname. A common practice known by all, as a way to inform the person on the other line who is speaking. Then to say "Ja" when asked a question and to sound convincing.
...

Today was the kind of the day that one stayed in bed. I later took a nap and found myself in the 2-storey townhouse that i used to live in in Melbourne. Everything was in its place, just how i remember it to be. I had reenacted the day my flat got robbed. Except this time, nothing was taken. A message was left on my answering machine to inform me that the area had many break-ins.

Suddenly, i had a fear that the Robber was STILL in the house with me.

And like a scene from a soap opera, the background music changed and Camera 1 zoomed into the windows... they were wide open! They were the kind of windows that opened from the bottom and out at an angle. I tried desperately to hear the full message on my answering machine but was unable to comprehend the number because the volume was so low. Pressing the rewind button only meant i had gone back through a years worth of messages.

Seriously, why didn't i erase these messages?

Oh my gawd, i lost the number to the Detective! Panicked and stressed, i fumbled with the phone. Pressing all the numbers and hoping i would return to the right message. But had FAILED.

I woke up confused and confronted with the miserable looking grey sky outside.

Why wasn't my subconscious not so S-M-R-T as to call the police?

I Googled what the dream could symbolise and concluded that the incident with my Bank calling and the late transfer of money may have heavily influenced my Dream. And that perhaps i have a fear of losing my Material Things or being penniless.

FACT: Did you know the number to call in Germany in case of an emergency is not "911" like in the movies but 110 (Police) and 112 (Fire Brigade & Ambulance).

Cherry oak casket

I'd like to think i'm not a morbid person in general. I don't get off at the thought of misery or death even. And as my previous post states, i detest death with a passion. Where some cultures celebrate this transition from one world to another, i on the other hand choose not to be a part of it. So i'd like to think.

And as if my subconscious was rebelling, she attended a funeral procession last night.

It was my mother's long time friend since the days before she got married. Family members and close friends stood outside of what looked like their house and beside them I could see the high glossed cherry oak coffin. The sun was out and i could see the light reflect off its surface. A beautiful cascade of the freshest flowers spilled over from the top but yet i still kept my distance.

I paid my respects to the husband and despite the occasion, there were no sounds of sobbing in the background. The overall mood was rather peaceful, quite a change from what my subconscious had been accustomed to lately.

...

When i finally peeled the covers off of me, i did an online search for what it all meant and this is what i found interesting, i guess i knew it all along...;

General Death Symbology - 8 basic levels in this symbol [source]

1. An indication that a necessary end has come to a certain phase. A transition to something new.
2. The desire to shed something (attitudes, behaviours, situations etc.)
3. A suggestion to come to terms with death and the fear of death, meaning a search for fulfillment and productivity.
4. A limit has been reached and there is an inability to know how to go beyond that limit.
5. A suggestion to take better care of one's health.
6. Something is dying inside.
7. A close connection with somebody deceased.
8. A desire for peace, solitude, and harmony (the death of fear). According to Jung, dreaming about death means letting go of something that has died; it is a symbol of transformation and a new beginning.

Funeral
...To dream that you are at somebody else's funeral means you are burying an old relationship and closing the lid on the past. You may be letting go of old feelings you've been clinging onto... [source]

Coffin
This dream symbol most likely evokes fear, but before making quick interpretations, carefully consider all of the details in this dream. The coffin could symbolize a lack of energy or vitality in the dreamer. It could represent the death of one stage of life and movement into another. Not necessarily physical death! ... Most simply, and most likely, the coffin in your dreams may represent feelings of confinement and lack of freedom. [source]

And just for a change, i wish my dreams weren't so vivid. Wouldn't it be nice if they were more like flash cards with thick, black strokes... like liquid typography transforming itself on stark white A2 size sheets. It would make dissecting its meaning slightly easier. But considering that i spend most of my day alternating my hours with naps just to kill time, i've grown quite lethargic and uninterested in my waken state. It's almost like a breath of fresh air from my rather predictable day.

I need a new hobby.

Off with their head!

Last night was the second time this week that i dreamt of decapitations. It wasn't mine but that of someone else's.

I hate death; be it a natural cause like old age or those done on purpose. I know HATE is a very strong word and i choose not to use it in my vocabulary but in this context, i really do detest it with a passion. Suddenly flashbacks of how i felt about the murder in the apartment below me only months ago brings back that sick feeling. It's one of those one-in-a-million chances that nobody wishes to be part of. Why couldn't it have been a lottery instead? I can't even watch horror movies - except for that one time when my mates conned me into watching The Exorcism of Emily Rose and assured me i'd be ok. Believe me my fingers were covering my eyes and ears most of the time... i wasn't ok. No thanks to an overactive imagination.

Never again.

Well the dream i had earlier this week was a beheading which involved trees. These ancient old tree logs somehow would come out of nowhere and slice through the air and with a clean sweep those around me would have their heads taken off. Strange. Why would trees be swinging in the air? And before i could think why was i spared? The phone rang and jolts me from my slumber. It was my savior on the other line and i hadn't been so relieved to be thrown out of a dream so abruptly.

But this morning's dream was different.

I had started a new job and i was standing outside about to light a cigarette but instead of standing close to the work place, i decided to venture further away. Running towards an underground car park as if i were late to meet someone i barge through the heavy fire exit doors. There before me are what looks like 2 vehicles crushed by falling debree. Above the crime scene is a faulty plaster ceiling. And in the far corner another van but with its back window broken.

I could overhear a conversation as peramedics are attending to the injured. People are whispering to one another and covering their children's eyes for whatever had fallen through the ceiling had come down with such force. And like a freak of nature swung across like giant sized golf sticks leaving behind lifeless bodies to crumble to the ground. But where are their heads?

Stiff black body bags carry away what is left of what once was breathing.

I turn to go back, forgetting who i was to meet and i'm in a fire escape stairwell. It looks different from the hallway i had just come from. I climb the stairs and try to back track my steps. But everything looks unfamiliar since i am new to the area, i seem to have lost my sense of direction. Suddenly it feels like i'm looking for a classroom. Am i back in school? I have no schedule with me, i only know that i have to be somewhere.

I see a woman walking beside me. She looks like she's one of the paramedics from the crime scene. She's wheeling around various sized bags on a heavy cargo trolley. One looks very similar to the body bag i saw earlier but half the size.

So i quickly make my way to an elevator. I see her approaching me and the thought of sharing an enclosed space with a dead body strikes fear in me. The woman speaks to me but i can't make out what she's saying. She unloads the bags and tosses them in the corner beside me and one of the bags open. I can see the legs! OH MY GAWD... where is the rest of it? I don't wait to find out or even bother asking.

Before i know it, i'm running the other direction down endless hallways. Unfamiliar faces walk past me lost in their own worlds and ignoring my puzzled look. People appear from all corners half naked as if nudity is the norm.

...

I wake up to the whisper of the air-conditioner. Confused as to where i am for a split second, i return my focus to my surroundings and realise where i am. I walk to the computer to read a reassuring email that simply reads, "mu" and i breathe out a sigh of relief.

And so i google the meaning;

Decapitation
This dream suggests that the dreamer is losing control. In a decapitation there is a dramatic and violent separation of the head from the body. Under normal circumstances the mind controls and directs the body. This dream suggests that the dreamer may be under the control of his bodily drives and may be separated from rational thoughts and feelings. Disassociation may be occurring in regard to some behavior or issue in life. However, this dream may have other meanings. This includes excessive concern about punishment and indicates that there may be severe pressure and anxiety in the dreamer's life. [source]

Full circle.

I fell in and out of sleep today... as usual i've pushed my errands to tomorrow. I ended my long day yesterday watching DVDs. I fell asleep on my couch and it was an hour before dawn that the phone rang.

We spoke for more than an hour... Time seems to disappear each time and although i can never fully recall our conversations, i know each topic flows out of our mouths with ease and without hesitation. Eventually we said our farewells and for a moment i thought i was going to stay up since the sun was peeking over the horizon, but i ended up passing out on my bed.

The hours that followed had me dreaming of him and instead of him saying good-bye at the airport, it was me. My suitcase was filled with winter clothes and i remember i was crying in my dream. When i opened my eyes, i was still crying. I woke up sad and i could hear thunder in the far distance.

It didn't take long for me to get back to sleep and this time i dreamt i received a ring.

The most beautiful rich/dark royal blue sapphire gem surrounded by thin, white gold threads. The design was organic but simple yet intricate in design. I've never seen a ring like this, in fact i'm sure it's not even possible to create. Every angle you looked at it, it seemed to capture a different look. No doubt it was unique on all levels and i remember looking at it feeling overwhelmed with its' beauty. I remember feeling at peace with myself and what was to come...

Naturally, i googled it's symbolism.

And as predicted "To see a ring on your finger in your dream, signifies your commitment to a relationship or a successful new endeavor. It also indicates your loyalty to your ideals, responsibilities, and beliefs" and "To dream that you receive a ring, denotes that your suspicions and worries over you lover will end. You will come to realize that he is true to his heart and will devote himself to your interest" [source].

I then went to search the meaning behind the type of gemstone and apparently, "The sapphire symbolises loyalty, but at the same time it gives expression to people's love and longing". More fascinating was, "We associate this colour, strongly linked to the sapphire as it is, with feelings of sympathy and harmony, friendship and loyalty: feelings which belong to qualities that prove their worth in the long term – feelings in which it is not so much effervescent passion that is to the fore, but rather composure, mutual understanding and indestructible trust." [source].

Hmmm... i'm sure my subconscious is getting a bit ahead of itself but you know what, for the first time i'm not scared of the future and what changes lay ahead of me.

Still lingering...

I woke up several times during the night thinking that he would still be here but the cold air next to me replaced his warmth. And as i pick up pieces that i left lying around during the week, i start to miss him a little more each time.

I remember catching him getting lost in his deep thoughts and when he looks back at me, it's so intense. His smile melts me and there is a chemistry that gets stronger each time.

But throughout the day i've fallen in and out of sleep and each time i see him appear in my subconscious and it's as if he never left. We talk and do things as if it were real, it's very strange but my only explanation is that because I missed my meds yesterday, my subconscious and reality seem to work hand in hand.

And if it weren't for the physical items he's left behind and the additional ink that rests on my skin, i would be certain the past week was a dream. I'm still riding on cloud 9 and spent most of the night telling my friends from my previous company about him and how our paths crossed.

Seriously, it seems almost impossible for anyone to have such an impact on another but it's a feeling i can't explain. I remember we had lengthy conversations even back when we were just 13. So in reality, we've been in one anothers' lives for 15 years and it took 13 years apart for it to be just right.

Uh-oh... i've turned into one of those mushy love stories!

I don't know what it is about him but he makes me so happy and he's everything that i've ever wanted in a man [yes i know i've said it before. But hey in my slight tipsy state, if i can say it to his father face on when we all went out to dinner on Thursday... there is no shame].

But i haven't spent this little time with any ONE individual and felt so sure about myself.

It's as if everything clicked and for that week we were invincible. It was only on Friday that Reality hit and there were disturbances that made us realise Time was not on our side. It was as if the universe was keeping us in check and with random things happening to us during the day and the night before, it so happened to have lifted the rose tinted lenses from our sight.

*Sigh*

BUT i'm not going to try and over-analyze, i'm just going to ride on this feeling for as long as i can. So as i sit at home surrounded by my past and accompanied by the soothing voice of Corinne Bailey Rae, i can't imagine what it MIGHT be like for him on the other side of the world and the issues he has to deal with concerning his past.

Life works in mysterious ways and only Time will tell. Patience is a virtue BUT i think it's still up to us to fight for what we want.

I know it's totally crazy but if i look back at every person i've met thus far everyone pails in comparison to him. I only wish for us to see one another soon and for us to be together because it's not every day that this kinda shit happens.

She.

Demonrat at www.darkknot.com

Perhaps one of the ultimate heterosexual male fantasies is that of two women. No, this will not be a reenactment of a past event. If anything, it is the result of a deprived and overactive imagination.

Sadly, the effects of facebook has influenced my train of thought, to the extent that vampires which i have successfully ignored, have managed to find its way into my subconscious! It is obvious that no dream of mine would be complete unless it was laced with erotic spice. And instead of viewing my dream in a 3rd person perspective, i was represented as myself and She bore the features of a familiar face.

Evident that our attraction for one another was kept strictly under wraps as we hid behind closed doors, in fear of being forced into exile. I don't think marriage was on the cards but for some reason we're found leaving a church.

The scene changes and i'm standing underneath running water.

She is no longer in my arms and i turn to see her being whisked away. Entranced by the power of seduction she disappears into the far corner and is engulfed by an unknown figure. Helpless behind a glass pane, i watch a stranger feed on her neck like a savage beast. This sensual act of dominance is rather grotesque yet i'm fixated as i watch her spirit being slowly sucked out of her.

I wake up with only her defined beauty etched into my thoughts and as usual i go through my day as if nothing had happened.

I smelt "death" but nobody died.

This morning i could smell "Death" in my dream. It was so pungent, i got to the office freaked out that i would smell it during my waking hours.

I can't really describe the smell but i can only assume it was the liquid used to embalm dead bodies. Strange part is, i wouldn't even know what that would smell like!

Honestly, i don't recall sniffing any funky smelling Scratch n' Sniff stickers neither can i say i've been hanging around funerals. Seriously, i'm too chicken shit to go near a morgue let alone watch a preview to a scary movie on tv.

The dream was set at the boarding school i used to go to. And to add to the twisted side of it, the pillows that we were using were doused with this liquid. It was if the pillows were once used to prop up the heads and legs of decomposed bodies.

Why we had them, i don't know.

I can't remember all the details [and neither do i want to right now]. Just thinking of it is starting to freak me out.

*Thinks happy thoughts* LA LA LAAAA...

They say, dreaming about Death means 'change' is about to unfold. So does that mean that last night i was breathing in change and am about to witness something new?

Hmmmm...

And to add to this strange day, my menopausal client gave me little token gift after i passed her MORE of her copy changes [apparently she forgot to give it to me when she came back from her business trip the last time]. It was very unexpected but i was still grateful.

Oh! And on another note, i was super productive at work today and i didn't get yelled at!

Embedded into my subconscious.

I dream the same dream over and over. The theme is usually similar.

It always evolves around HIM and HER.

I check into a hotel, that so happens to be their permanent getaway. The front desk manager has put me in the room next door with only a connecting door separating us.

Somehow i unlock the door and i'm faced with everything i've always dreaded to see. There are two single mattresses taken off the bed frame and positioned side by side. Their body heat can still be seen stained on the sheets.

I scan the room to see a pair of most things in the room. Two different alarm clocks, two types of paper back novels and an array of monochromatic coloured clothes hung loosely over the chair.

As if i'm seeing myself in 3rd person, i'm projected back in my room and there's a woman seated opposite from me. She seems to act like my shrink but more of a mother figure. She's telling me in great detail that they just found out that she's expecting a child.

[I don't know why she's telling me this].

I have this image of him running to the nearby pharmacist to purchase those pregnancy tests. As they wait for the marked window on the plastic stick to resemble a cross, he holds her hand as time slows down.

This is when the camera angle shifts and he's holding her in his embrace.
.
.
.
[My heart sinks]

It's positive.

But this is when my dream transforms itself into an Alice in Wonderland type scenario. A scene i've never seen before. I walk around in an abandoned house surrounded by luscious greenery. It leads me to a vast amount of water and i see a dolphin break through the surface and disappear, only then to be replaced by another. But i'm hesitant to reach out and touch it.

There's a sense of peace in the atmosphere.

...

"Dolphins are intelligent and friendly animals, and have often been known to rescue drowning people at sea. Therefore, they have long been symbols of compassion, helpfulness, empathy, and caring.

1. If you’re beset with troubles, dreaming of a dolphin could mean that help from someone who cares is on the way.

2. Playing with a dolphin implies that happier, more carefree times are on the way.

3. Encountering several dolphins hints that you are, or soon will be, surrounded by a circle of friends who will provide you with a valuable support system." [source]

Can it be true? There's hope after all.

Life without balls and a whole load of laundry.

The past 24 hours or so, i've been taking care of my nut-less kitty.

When i brought Satan's Spawn back from the vet, he was super grumpy because the drugs were wearing off. He was walking around looking half drunk and stumbling into things, it was quite disturbing to watch. I've made sure that he's been kept comfortable and haven't made any sudden movements. He hasn't said that much, in fact the meowing has stopped. But then again if i was him and suddenly woke up missing my gems, i wouldn't be talking to me either.

But he's recovering well and the swelling has gone down slightly but i reckon his cowboy impersonation will be around until he fully recovers.

So anyway, i had good intentions of going out today. I even woke up early [not by choice mind you]. It was a case of one of those annoying internal body clock issues when you WANT to sleep late but your body screams, CANNOT. Then the next thing you know you're standing in the kitchen with hair temporarily pasted to the side of your face and making a cup of coffee.

And being the domesticated hermit i seem to be training for, i spent my Saturday loading and unloading my top loader not once but three times. And it doesn't end there, i still have more to do tomorrow. [I blame my bed sheets for taking up 2 loads!]

So whilst waiting, i ended up watching Because I said So. Which i have to say was a good movie. I'm not so much of a Mandy Moore fan but i had seen the preview some time ago and was intrigued. Although my parents don't intrude in my love life [or the lack of it], it made me think about my life, my single life.

*thinks*

But by mid afternoon it started to piss down hardcore, as it usually does. And instead of watching static black and white dots across the tv, i found myself taking a siesta break for about an hour or two.

Maybe it was the combination of rain, the lack of sleep or i was late for my meds again because my subconscious was soaked with pornographic images. I can't remember all of it in detail but it was enough to get any heart racing.

That's the most action i've seen lately but believe me, i have no complaints... it's better than nothing... ehehe.

Oh well.

The boys [Bass Agents] are playing at Baze Club at Renaissance Hotel tonight. And as always we're all going to show some love and support.

I believe it's free entry before 10pm for guys and girls get in for free until midnight. All other times are RM35 and it includes 1 drink.

My past lingers in my subconscious.

I know it probably doesn't mean anything but the re-occurance of my ex in my dreams keeps coming back. If anything they are as casual as us just going on a road trip and just spending time with one another. Just as if we used to once upon a time.

I see more of him in my subconscious than i do in real life. In fact, i cut all contacts with him, for my own selfish reasons to try to get over him. Plus mentally it didn't help the situation. And as much as i'd love to scroll down in my address book and just call to say "hey how are ya?" I stop seconds before hitting the DIAL button.

I miss him.

As a friend of course, after all he was my best friend for 10 years and my boyfriend for 8. In public we both agreed we were more like best friends than the typical boyfriend/girlfriend. Behind closed doors we were like rabbits. I was so in love despite the fact we had barely anything in common.

But as my mom said, it's been 2 years already, he's probably still with his girlfriend and is getting on with his life. In other words, i think it's a good idea that you get along with yours.

I am. I'm trying. They know. I think he knows.

I'm trying to get on with my life but that doesn't mean i don't miss having him in my life.

Whether or not he's still with his girlfriend or even with a new partner, i'd rather just assume that he is. Recently i even dreamt that he was engaged. It gives me a reason to stay away. I'm hoping that he's ok and hopefully he hasn't forgotten about me.

Sometimes i wonder whether he even thinks of me. For all i know he probably reads this blog to check if i'm still alive and isn't the type to intrude.

I remember when he went traveling i would send him detailed emails of my daily activities. He would then comment about how detailed i was and that it helped him imagine how my day was. [I think it was his polite way of saying my long winded-ness was my speciality].

But it's been so long since we spent time with one another. But i'm sure if we were to spend an afternoon with one another it would be like old times.

*Sigh*

Oh well. I guess they're right when they say memories last a lifetime. Suddenly the good outweighs the bad.

I like playing with Water...

For those of you who have taken time out to read up on my ever so exciting life will know that my dreams are very much a part of what i usually ramble on about. They might not make sense and more than often they are rated 18 and above. I blame my overactive imagination and its ability to transform practically anything innocent into something sexual. There is no wonder my mind is forever swimming in the gutter.

So much so that if my dreams were produced for public viewing, it would require not only censorship but be noted as either the product of a severely deprived individual or one that is filled with perverse thoughts. In which case i would go with both.

I have admitted that i will be the last to flounce around freely outside the pool in a bikini unless i am partially covered by a towel. Although i am more than happy to be in the water till my fingers resemble prunes. And unless i am drunk or with a partner that i know quite well, i will usually not fully undress in front of them. The same goes for me not ever wanting to wear a boob tube out in public. Call me paranoid or even self conscious.

Which probably explains why my dreams are often my alter ego lashing out and tasting a freedom that i choose to supress.

But last night, although i can't remember the full dream, i know the common theme was Water.

Clearly the shower scene was fit for a B grade porn flick. However, should you view your sexuality as something sacred and see any form of canoodling as filth, i suggest you not read on. In fact, i don't recommend that you continue procrastinating at I SWEAR...
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So there i was making an entrance into a steamed filled shower with dark square tiles. And of course i was blessed with a body that any plastic surgeon wished they created. And i see nothing wrong with the fact that one side of the shower wall is glass and is the only thing separating myself from the main corridor.

Much like a pay-per-view erotic session, i know in the corner of my eye that SOMEONE is watching me. I'm not sure if it's a stalker or i am in fact enjoying the attention. One can only imagine cheesy music playing on the loud speaker and soapy suds filling the drain.

And as if my alter ego hadn't washed herself enough, the next scene involves immersing myself in a half filled bathtub. Except this time, i'm entering the tub with another person already seated. I am MORE than certain this was not an act to save water.

...

And although both times i don't see the other figure, it is clear that i have no reservations of exposing myself. Perhaps my thoughts have been stained by Suicide Girls.

So when i did a google search on what "water" meant in dreams, "...it symbolised a fresh start and renewal... when they fall prey to multiple pressures and postpone their own wishes for too long..." [here]

The past few week has brought on a heavy load of work that not only has questioned my creative ability but being forced to look at my current emotional status. How it all makes sense i'm not sure but as long as my alter ego has her share of play time and hasn't transformed into some psychotic serial killer, i know my day will be somewhat easier to digest.

Toes Schmoes...

After coming home close to midnight and working together with 2 other designers to print, spray mount on Art Card and collate at least 60 logos along side the several dozen A3 boards, i came home exhausted.

It wasn't long until i had to excuse myself from a MSN conversation because my brain wasn't thinking straight. For some stupid reason, i still kept thinking about the logos and thinking of ways i could have made them better or give other alternatives. I guess that's one of the downfalls of being a Creative person, one tends to over think it and it's forever embedded in the walls of ones brain.

After realising that i needed sleep and the dodgy late night teeny bopper series was of no interest to me, i headed to bed. As i lay there motionless staring into nothingness i could still hear the tv and if only my apartment was equipped with The Clapper i wouldn't have to haul arse out of bed to switch everything off.

Within seconds of switching off my bedside table light i was out cold.

I soon entered a world bursting with colour laced with a multitude of twisted emotions. Often so real that i can't help but think my waking hours are so mundane in comparison.

...

I was standing in my parents kitchen [although out of the past 27 years of existence i have no recollection of them owning such a house with such a design] but as the brain proves that it is able to configure practically anything out of nothing, i didn't feel out of place. With modern fixtures and a common yellow theme throughout the kitchen, the windows seemed to only emphasize the vast amount of space. A space that could easily house an extended family.

Much like MTV Cribs when they show a superstar's fridge as a MUST SEE, i stand before this huge fridge to take a sneak peak at its contents. I am apparently been asked to make soup.

Soup? And as if i'm in some game show i'm only limited to what is in the fridge. I come across a vegetable that looks more like it's been ripped out of the jungle with roots and foliage still attached. I'm told if you strip the leaves the flower inside can be dissected. At which point in my dream i am fascinated that such a plant even exists and want to examine its family tree. When in reality i'm thinking... WHAT THE FUCK? Hurry up and make soup already!

Which is when my dream somehow transforms itself and i'm lying on this day bed. There's a male figure at the foot of the bed who looks familiar with boyish features. It seems as if we know each other and i feel at ease with him.

As if the conversation needed some spicing up because "just talking" is so common, i allow him to do some reflexology on my feet. And like magic our innocent conversation leads him to expose his top half. [At which point i'm thinking... WELL HELLO THERE!] I'm watching his slightly tanned, well defined muscles in his shoulders and chest flex with every movement. I can only assume this male person is in fact my partner and not some paid service!

It continues to get slightly more X-rated... of course.

And i soon find out he has more than a foot fetish and like a crazed beast he tries to literally bite my toes off! Strangely, i don't fight back and as if being toe-less is part of the whole game i let this animal behavior continue. It is as if i am some dominatrix allowing him to devour my feet knowing very well that such actions will have dire consequences and will lead to some serious punishment.

...

And then my eyes spring open the second the Devils' Spawn's bigger-than-rice-grain teeth takes a nibble on my left foot.

Apparently Toys R Us has it all.

OH i had the strangest dream this morning [not uncommon]. But this one was a detailed journey of me on the hunt looking for baby basics. Much like a start up kit when one decides to change their facial regime but not quite.

So there i was in a foreign country having just given birth and already galavanting around town in search for necessity's. Never mind that i had JUST given birth to a miracle because it was obvious that there was no partner in the picture. But stupidly was proving that being a single mother is fucking hard work.

And where else would one head to but Toys R Us for all the goodies. So there i was waltzing down the aisles staring up looking for the "BABY AREA" section. Passing through the HOMEWARE & BAKERY section meant that freshly baked slices of bread would hang freely. And as inviting as it is to touch, i grabbed a slice off the rack and munched on it as if it was the 'normal' thing to do.

One would think 9 months prior to the birth i would at least have a FEW items already assembled. But noOOoooo... there i was frantically looking for diapers, a baby car seat [for the car that i obviously don't own], baby food, anti-bacterial items and a container to hold my cigarette packs... uhhhh what the?

I SWEAR... SMOKING WHILST PREGGERS/WITH NEWBORNS/KIDDIES PRESENT IS A NO-NO!

When i eventually get to the baby food area i'm bombarded with beautifully packaged cereal boxes. Never mind that a newborn can't even digest solids let alone know the difference between one brand and another. And as if i were in a FREE Tasting Hall i open one of the boxes only to be faced with a huge empty container and an equivalent of a drinking straw filled amount of food!

Eventually the store transforms into somebody's house and i'm standing in the back garden which looks like an abandoned half built apartment block. I am having a conversation with my MissAnBloodyMumNoMore about what kind of diapers to get and she's convinced me that her preference towards Mamy Poko's out ranks all the commercially known brands.

Which is when the strange part comes in... in the far corner i notice SashaPau [her one year old] holding up another child of her size on her shoulders. And like a Cirque Du Soleil stunt, i see 5 little tots standing on the shoulders of another. My only thoughts were, it must be the Mamy Poko's!

For a split moment i see my kid with these miracle diapers on but i've got it one size too small. Not yet cutting the circulation off but would definitely do some damage in the long run, so i opt for a bigger size.

I'm still lugging around a basket full of random items and i bump into her husband who seems interested in the kinds of food i've chosen for my newborn. He inspects the jar and pours the contents out into a bowl and agrees that THIS was the best of the lot. "It has a little bit of sugar in it which will help keep the baby awake, not a lot but enough to keep him happy".

And for all mothers out there that are wondering. why on earth would you want to keep a screaming infant bouncing off the walls any longer? My answer to that would be, I have NO idea my subconscious is in a world of its' own. Seriously, i have no control of it.

So let me just end with, NO I AM NO WHERE NEAR PREGGERS! [In fact, i sometimes wonder whether i am fertile to begin with, hmmmm].

But with countless sites declaring that dreams about Pregnancy often 'symbolize spiritual or psychological growth. It also represents a transitional phase in your life that is in the process of growing and developing... [read more].

Subconscious nocturnal one night stand on repeat.

For the past few days, i've had the most unrestful sleep. Maybe there was a collision of stars or my brain is overloaded. And even with the aid of Stilnox, all that does is initiate the sleep. But once my head hits the pillow, i enter a world packed with colour and emotion. Best described as somewhat realistic but with an absurd twist of fantasy.

And at times, my dreams are set in such a way that society would find inappropriate to anyone below legal age. In fact, i am certain i would be arrested for indecent exposure and attract an army of perverts and exhibitionists. But then again, blogs are just as bad.

There was a time when sleep meant it was a gateway for my mind to wander through the nocturnal world of erotica. And not like i am ashamed of it, hell, my mind swims in the gutter every other minute of my waking hours. So i can't blame my subconscious self for being influenced.

But last night i reenacted a one night stand. The only difference was it was my subconscious getting in on the action, or the lack of it as you will soon find out.

In my dream he was in a relationship but in real time, he was not. HELLO! I'm not a home wrecker! And as though a bolt of common sense had struck him, it was too late, he had in fact committed adultery. In my nocturnal madness the girlfriend had caught us in the act, seconds after the guilty party had realised what he had done. There was no passion, it was based on secrecy. I was his best kept secret.

There i was unable to run from a girlfriend who's mission was to run me over with her Cadillac. And then it dawned on me, why was i being punished when her partner was instantly forgiven? I called out her name and she stared at me with eyes filled with daggers [metaphorically of course] and he disappeared into the shadows.

I woke up and i was alone. I had banned Smooks from sleeping beside me due to his new found obsession of playing with my blinds beside my dressing table. Plus his demonic attacks would often occur just as i am about to sleep.

Everything was quiet and it was just past 5 in the morning. Had i only been asleep for an hour? And i remembered, we will always be unfinished business.

Invasion takes over

They say dreams are ones' subconscious digesting what goes on around them. An attempt to make sense of ones' daily's affairs. Taking familiar faces, situations and landmarks and combining them so it's a little bit easier to comprehend. More than often my dreams don't make any sense but then again, most will agree.

Last night i dreamt i was back in Melbourne. Living in the two-storey townhouse that my parents had bought years ago and invested in so that when i went to university, i'd have a place to live. Unfortunately, with my rejected PR application there was no need for them to keep the unit. So along with the memories and my staircase that i hand painted blue during winter, the two-storey unit was sold.

Anyway, everything was exactly how i remember it to be. I had re-enacted that day my place got broken into. Only difference was my back door to my little garden had fallen off its hinges. In my dream, nothing was taken except i had an eery feeling that those responsible would return. It's a re-occuring dream of invasion of privacy.

And as predicted, 3 hours post Stilnox kicking in, i woke up lying on my bed trying to remove the image of strangers in my head. Smooks lay stretched beside my foot and was playing footsie, as if he was reassuring me that i was no where near danger.

And for those who have only just bit into my slice of life, there was a time where my few hours of rest [if that's what you could call it] was haunted with explicit and vivid dreams. At one point, it was nearly impossible to get a full cycle of sleep [approximately 3 hours]. And when i did manage to sleep, purely out of exhaustion, i was sandwiched between my reality and my subconscious.

Insomnia was not something i suffered from during my early years of childhood. And i blame it entirely on the side effects of my meds [as a result of stress, various other idiotic issues and disorders].

I admit i have a strong love/hate relationship with my medication. But just when things were going relatively smooth, some other factor has to come in and knock me on my arse! I am meant to have my meds reduced next month but i can't risk having a relapse knowing that the next coming months will mean a huge increase in workload.

And although it's rare for young adults to have a heart attack before they're 30, i don't think i am physically and mentally able to handle the pressure again. Or is this another test?

It is nearly impossible for me to understand, let alone any sane person to comprehend what i'm talking about. But i'm telling you now, i am more frightened than ever, knowing there is a smidgen of chance there COULD be a rerun of what i endured in the last year and a half.

And to add to my laundry list of questions of WHY!?

Why is it that fate delivers an opportunity to earn extra to make life a little more cushiony but then ones' full-time job goes full steam ahead? The pressure is on... question is, how long can i last?

Take these pills that keep me sane
and allow me to take a sober breath.
I hide to save you from my problems

I don't even know You
But why do i keep breaking?

Who will love me when all i do is shy away?
I have lost my freewill to Trust but the truth is
I never trusted myself to begin with