Mother Nature's dandruff

It took almost 2 weeks for practically all the snow to melt and in a matter of hours all of that effort went to waste.

It started around lunch time yesterday and now everything is covered in a soft powder-like white blanket of snow.

But today i was up at 4:30am because J had to start work at 6am. As usual i did the breakfast routine and made some fresh coffee. I packed a few butter milk rolls with Gouda cheese, chocolate digestive cookies and a small Tupperware filled with roasted almonds so i wouldn't starve in German class later.

My stomach is forever growling and making noise in the morning, and no amount of paper rustling or chair shifting can mask its' presence. And the more i ignore it, the louder it seems to get. There was a pregnant lady in our class who used to sit next to me last time and would always give me fruits and chocolate during class, i wonder if she actually thought i wasn't eating enough or maybe she just didn't like her food and wanted to get rid of it? Having no shame, i gladly ate her food. Well we've stocked up on our food supply so now i have at least something to offer her.


So anyway, i offered to help J scrape the snow off the car since i knew it would take some time and he couldn't be late for work. I threw on whatever i could find and made my way outside. I was surprised how much there was. I reckon there was about 2 inches of snow.


And according to the Weatherman it's going to be snowing for most of the week. But i have to admit though, when the snow was gone for that short period of time, i did miss it. Yes, i know i may have bitched and moaned that it was freezing but then again, the last time i had switched off the heaters and cooled down the apartment to a bitter 5˙C. And later feared that i was developing hypothermia because it took a few days for the temperature to climb above 15˙C.

Fingers crossed that the bus routes are working today and that the sidewalks have been already cleared of snow. Because falling over is not an option!

There's more to just Breathing.

Yesterday evening i did the unthinkable and did something totally random. I agreed to attend a Qigong class [pronounced Chi Kung] with J. Originally skeptical and worried that there would be physical contact involved, i of course hesitated.

I'm still not in top shape and the last thing i need is to injure myself. And although i know there's a lot of health benefits from being more active, more than often i choose the couch potato route.

I was also concerned that my German was not good enough to understand the instructor. It's all good and dandy if i can learn how to breathe properly but if i'm given instructions in German to visualize things so i can channel my Chi but i don't know what is actually being said, it kinda defeats the purpose and makes the whole experience rather stressful.

So two hours before the class was to begin, J and i were googling and watching videos on Qigong and Chi on YouTube.



Intrigued by the power of Chi, i still managed to pull out every excuse not to go. And like many other times blatantly said, "I don't want to" without even giving a reason for my "disinterest".

But as J continued to persuade me with his puppy-dog-sad-eyes so i would change my mind, i eventually gave in.

After all, i didn't want my lack of involvement and motivation be another reason for us to argue. Plus it would mean we could spend more time together since last week J tried out Kung Fu and liked it. And that would mean twice a week he would be gone for the training all evening and would be home by the time i was getting ready for bed. He also had intentions of going to Qigong on two extra days of the week, so that would definitely mean less time together and more strain on our relationship.

...

The class is held at a Sports Academy which focuses on Kung Fu, Tae Won Do, Thai Boxing and Qigong classes. Located in a neighboring city about 25 minutes away, we realise if we are serious about this, there needs to be commitment and a regular schedule.

So anyway the instructor was kind enough to throw in a few English words to help in the visualization part for my benefit of course but for most parts of it i stitched together what i understood and kept my eyes open so i could just mimic what she was doing.

However there were times when she didn't translate the important words and i found myself rummaging through my brain trying to figure out what object or animal she wanted the group to visualize. And later i found out from J i had in fact pictured something totally different.

Oh well.

At the end of the class i was feeling quite relaxed and good. It must have been all that oxygen!

By the time we got back home it was 11pm and it was way past our bedtime. I'm usually passed out by then but last night my mind was active and found it difficult to sleep. I woke up feeling unrested and by the time it was 5am, my body was urging me to get up. I read that it could be because the activities i engaged in were too stimulating [source].

So in an act to improve our relationship and more importantly ourselves, we're trying out Qigong and seeing where it takes us. It's not like we have anything to lose and anyway, it's not like we've got much of a social life.

So as J simply put it, why not?

...

I managed to stumble upon this amazing site that explains in detail the health benefits of Qigong and i've taken the liberty to list the points below. Here is the link for those of you who are interested.

Benefits of practicing Qigong [Chi kung];

• It's an excellent way to keep fit.
• It is also a good way to lose weight.
• Very relaxing.
• Qigong heals both the practitioner and the person to whom the healing is directed.
• It encourages long-term health and longevity,
• It builds invigorating energy.
• It gives an overall sense of well-being.
• It helps improve coordination and balance.
• Helps build confidence and self-esteem.
• Teaches pain management.
• It balances right- and left-hemispheric brain activity.

The site even describes the Basic Qigong Yogic Breathing exercise [click] and is similar to one of the exercises we did in class yesterday. Basically it follows the principles of all diaphragmatic breathing techniques and was actually harder than i thought.

"Most people take quick shallow breaths when they breathe. When they breathe from the top half of their chest they are actually wasting more than half of their lung capacity."

Apparently not only will you feel more relaxed, but it claims to promote mental clarity, better concentration, a stronger immune system and longevity.

Staying focused.

Still not a morning person, i was up before the sun rise to make J his coffee and pack his breakfast so he wouldn't be late for work. Just so you know, we're on better terms with each other now. Let's just say we kissed and made up after our big fallout over the weekend and i'm more than certain both parties are making an extra effort to show the other they're doing their part for the relationship.

I realised believing in myself is much harder than painting a smile on my face.

But i'm trying.

The other day i purposely missed the bus that comes every 2 hours, to see if i could walk to the city centre on my own. The fresh snow melting air helped cleanse my thoughts and lungs. My doctor recommended that i continue to move that way i will heal faster. And although most of the serious pains have gone, i do occasionally cramp up and feel nausea but i'm thinking that is still part of the post-operation recovery process. Unfortunately, i can't properly lie on my side without support as my abdomen is still slightly sensitive but i am making progress.

So today instead of crawling back into bed at 7am, even though i could do with a few more hours of shut eye, i sat down and scribbled on a scrap paper my To Do list for the day:

• Do Laundry
• Iron shirts
• Upload photos
• Tidy up
• Clean the dishes
• Vacuum
  
• Work on logo design
• Write invoice
• Create work time-table
  
• Rearrange living room

Tomorrow our new super comfy, micro fibre, corner sofa bed that we ordered 2 weeks ago from Porta is finally being delivered!

It's similar in design and price to the one we saw in IKEA, however the material and colour of Porta's sofa is far more superior. Plus the mechanics of how the sofa turns into a bed is also much better.


So after much thought and taking into consideration that it originally was 300€ more than the advertised price, we decided it was a great deal. At last our days of sitting/lying on the spare mattress whilst watching TV/having dinner will soon be over.

...

Moving on, as i mentioned before, i've also taken on a 2-part project [a logo design + stationery and a corporate identity manual] all of which has a deadline of April. So the last few days i've been trying to build a momentum and get myself back into the swing of things.

And this coming Monday my German classes start up again so i predict the next month is going to be super challenging trying to juggle it all. I'm trying not to stress myself out about it and not get overwhelmed, so i keep my fingers crossed that i can get this job completed on time and one that i am satisfied with.


And to help with my inspiration, the other weekend i received two 12-kilo boxes stuffed with 24 graphic design books, courtesy of my parents. They're my old design reference books that i had bought a while back. But it's been about 2 years since i've flipped through their pages as they have been sitting in boxes in my folks place. So having them with me brings back memories and i'm hoping they'll reignite the Spark of Love i once had for Design.

And in another attempt to boost my design motivation i declared i needed a Pantone Formula Guide. For those of you who have no design background knowledge it's basically a booklet with 1,114 solid PANTONE Colors, including 14 base colors each with a particular code known as a PANTONE Metric System [PMS]. Each PMS colour is known to each printer worldwide and guarantees that no matter where you print the artwork, the colours will be the same. Icons are shown beneath each color to indicate that that particular colour can be reproduced in CMYK and/or RGB.

Believe me, it's much more exciting than it sounds.


So i made my first bid on eBay - yes i know, i'm a bit slow in this whole eBay business but i've never really had any interest to buy anything until recently and guess what? I WON! So now i am a proud owner of a new [still in shrink wrap] Pantone Formula Guide for Uncoated stock.

Including the shipping it cost me 28€ which saved me about 10+€ should i had decided to order it from a store. So yes that's something to be happy about.

I feel so Designery already.

And although i have yet to get my head around doing my website or being satisfied with my corporate identity and personal business card, i at least will know when my FA goes out to print my colours will be accurate.

Just get back up, when it knocks you down.

It's taken a few nights apart, a shit load of tears and a heated argument to finally lay the cards on the table. An argument that was unavoidable and the recent happenings just seemed to tip off the scales.

Even from the beginning of our relationship, J would say, "We need to build on our foundation and then take it from there". Reminding me that if the foundation of our relationship is stable, no matter how many problems and crap you lay on top of it, the structure [being our Relationship] should still be standing.

But let's go back to the start when we were in our long distance relationship and living on either sides of the world from one another. Our main goal was to be with one another. A desire so strong that seemed to overcome all obstacles that seemed impossible and unrealistic.

But fast forward to now and next month i will be in Germany for 2 years. After having dealt with so many issues and fighting to be with one another, it hurts me to think that we even questioned whether we still see a future together.

And as the hours of silence turned into days, the mood in the apartment shifted to a very unpleasant one. We eventually found ourselves hanging on threads.

But as always, when shit hits the fan and i'm emotionally off my rocker, it is my family who are the determined ones to fight along side me even though my sister lives in a different part of Germany and my parents live in different Time Zones. Always there to encourage me and push me in the right direction, their words of advice and soothing words make sense after some time.

I will admit and agree with my sister when she says i am not a confrontational type.

If i could avoid a scene and pretend that nothing happened i would. I would be happy if it was possible to deal with problems in a silent and non-confrontational way. But Life doesn't work like that and neither do Relationships.

The further i distanced myself, the harder it was to speak to J. I felt derailed and unsure what my purpose in life was.

But we eventually got to talking and like a slap to the face, the truth revealed itself.

Nobody likes to be around unhappy people.

It eventually came clear to me that the problem was not just the baby-that-wasn't-meant-to-be but as hard as it is for me to admit, the problem is me.

Let's just say i've always battled with negativity. Even allowing self-pity to get the better of me. And as a creature of habit that dwells on the past, i often find security in building walls around me as a means of protection. My anxiety and fears often take a stronger hold on me and my lack of confidence has a habit of eating away at my independence.

But i know the only way to save our relationship and perhaps my own sanity, is to change my pessimistic outlook. And as J simply put it, it is easy to hold one another in each others arms and say we'll try and change but the truth lies in months to come. If we're back to arguing over the same things, then we know "trying" to change was just not good enough. What it really comes down to is "wanting" to make a difference and following it through.

And before anyone says, "You're such an ungrateful bitch, you don't deserve J".

Let me just say, i know and i'm working on that.



... Sometimes love comes around and it knocks you down
Just get back up when it knocks you down...

We need a Resolution.

...

What's your problem? Lets resolve it
We can solve it, What's the causes?
It's official, You got issues
I got issues, but I know I miss you

Am I supposed to change? Are you supposed to change?
Who should be hurt? Who should be blamed?
Am I supposed to change? Are you supposed to change?
Who should be hurt? Who should be ashamed?
Am I supposed to change? Are you supposed to change?
Who should be hurt?

And will we remain?

You need a resolution, I need a resolution, We need a resolution

We have so much confusion.

...

R.I.P Aaliyah 1979-2001

Covered in mourning dust.

I think the reality of what has happened has finally hit and last night i cried myself to sleep. I woke up feeling emotionally drained and wanting to crawl right back into bed.

When i see mothers-to-be on the TV or in real life, i can't help but feel a sense of emptiness. Maybe 'emptiness' is not the right word. I don't know what the word is. I didn't think the ectopic pregnancy would have effected me as much as it's done.

Sometime during the early evening J and i were lying side by side and i suddenly got overwhelmed by the closeness. For the first time i told him i was scared and out of nowhere started to cry. And as he reassured me it's OK to mourn, i couldn't help but think my distance and sadness is the cause of some of our misunderstandings.

Maybe i'm just being emo.

For years i wondered whether i was capable of having children. A curiosity perhaps. And despite going for my check ups and doctors telling me my ovaries are fine, it never occurred to me that i would one day blame my fallopian tubes for the loss of a perfectly healthy baby-to-be.

But i'm hoping one day to be proved wrong.

I'm supposed to wait at least 6 weeks before i am fully healed. My doctor reminded me that should i wish to be pregnant again, it is strongly recommended that i wait 3 months before trying. But at the rate that i'm feeling, 3 months seem so close.

Yes i know it's only been 2 weeks but already the fear that one day it could all happen again flashes through my head. There's no doubt, that this chapter in my life has messed with my head.

And before anyone says, you're so young you don't have to worry. Stop stressing! Lots of women go on to having babies. My question to you is, have you ever miscarried? Have you gone through the same thing as me? If not, then please let me grieve so i can get this out of my system.

I'm sorry.

I have also read several reports that say 1 in 50 or 60 pregnancies are ectopic. Which i can't decide whether that's a lot or not. But i have this image of a wedding banquet and there's 5 tables with 10 chairs to each one and there is little ol' me sitting on one of the chairs; the one of the 50 chairs.

I know this sounds lame but to be honest, i never knew it was possible that an embryo could implant itself in any other place than the uterus. And how life threatening it could be for the mother should the fallopian tube rupture due to blood loss.

I've read that there's a 15% chance that a woman can get an ectopic pregnancy again but i've also read that some women go on to have perfectly healthy babies after. I guess it's like a game of Russian roulette. I'm giving myself till i'm 35 to have a kid. And even though there's nothing i could have done to have prevented it, it's the thought that i was capable of being pregnant but it was just my "bad luck" that it embedded itself in the wrong place.

But the way mother nature works is just because one has only one fallopian tube, the body somehow is still able to get eggs from both ovaries. I guess it's just smart that way. And as J put it, there's a reason why Mother Nature gave women two fallopian tubes to begin with.

Anyway, i don't know if i'm being silly but i can't seem to get the strength to upload the photos i took during our Christmas getaway without feeling slightly sad. Each time i think back i wonder, whether having known i was pregnant earlier would have made me emotionally any better. As i think back to the weeks leading up to January 2nd, i clearly remember there were times when i had a gut feeling that i was pregnant especially when i hadn't eaten and felt nauseous.

So please bear with me whilst i try and sort myself out.

Icicles and Corsets.

I can't remember the last time i saw the sun or even the sky transform itself into a richer blue. More than often such warmth is gone in what feels like a blink of an eye. I watched the ball of fire rise higher in the sky this morning and the snow below seemed to sparkle as the light reflected off it.

It was beautiful.

And then i thought to myself, maybe, just maybe today will be a good day.

For the past couple of days the temperature has been pretty much constant and hovers around the below zero degree Celsius mark. But yesterday for some reason was exceptionally cold, i think it was -4˙C.

I mentioned to J that i saw some crazy arse icicles forming on one of the houses and so on our way home from the supermarket we thought we'd have a look.

But the lighting was really bad so i couldn't get a clear shot. What a shame cause i reckon they were at least half a metre in length, if not more. And i'm sure if they broke off and landed on somebody, it would do some serious damage. The other day i saw a report of what a massive icicle could do to a watermelon if it fell. Let's just say the watermelon was crushed.

So my latest obsession of looking for huge icicles around the area started to grow.


We did end up finding another house with icicles forming below their balcony. They're not as big but still rather impressive.

And something totally unrelated, right after we ended up checking out the new Orion erotic store that just opened last month. We've passed it so many times on our way into the city and thought we'd have a look. It's located right at a main intersection so everyone who stops at the traffic light takes a sneak peak at the window display. And although you can't really see what's inside from the outside, often the maniquins are adorned with provocative outfits which no doubt attract the eyes of on-lookers.

Upon entry of the store, the place was brightly lit. The layout of the store was pretty straight forward with each section titled. On the back wall it was hard not to miss the brightly coloured phallic objects in cardboard boxes hanging on the wall like a set of family picture frames. Everything was tastefully done and there definitely wasn't a sense of "dirtiness" to the place. Such friendly factor also makes customers feel at ease. Unlike some sex shops, this erotic chain that has over 150 stores throughout Germany does not have those booths at the back where one can have a "quick release".

But i have to say i was impressed with the range of items they had in store. It was quite extensive compared to other places i've seen even in bigger cities.

I had a sense that at the start, the guy at the cashier kept a watchful eye over us, perhaps fearful that customers might steal something. But then J ended up asking him some questions about a contraption hanging on the wall and that seemed to have broken the ice. Eventually the guy was more than happy to explain various other items he had in store.

So whilst J got updated on what the latest gadget was, i was fixated on looking at the corsets and lingerie.

But i fell in love with a reversible decorative corset [Blue with white flowers on the outside and white with blue flowers on the inside].

I ended up trying it on over my 3-quarter sleeve top with the help of the middle-aged sales woman. She was careful not to pull it too tight as my wounds are still healing. And went into great detail to explain to J how to tighten the corset and went on to giving me whatever tips she had.

When we asked which size stockings i should get, the sales woman stood beside me to compare her leg length with mine and suggested that i was a one size smaller than hers. Now that's the first time anyone's done that! If J hadn't of asked, i probably would have gotten the smallest size which would have definitely have been too small.

So i have to say it makes a huge difference when sales people actually know what they're talking about, especially if they too buy the products that they sell.

Courtesy of LABE Shops

Did you know when lacing a corset, you tie it up in the middle? [See figures 3 & 4 in diagram] As opposed to at the bottom of the corset. I did not know that. It looks rather complicated but i was reassured that it's simple. But we'll see about that.


Mine laces up at the front and at the back. This is what it looks like at the front and it has detachable garters. And although it'll be a few weeks till i can actually wear it, it's definitely an incentive to get better soon.

But i'm still adjusting to the healing process.

And even though occasionally i get those slight stabbing pains, the pain is not as bad as before. Sometimes it feels like someone is using my ovaries as a pin cushion. It's not pleasant but at least it doesn't feel like something is ripping or being squeezed inside of me.

I think i still waddle slightly when i walk but that will soon go once the swelling is down. I'm not allowed to lift anything for at least another 3 weeks but for some reason i keep forgetting. I find myself so exhausted even after doing the simplest of tasks, which can be quite annoying especially when i'm trying to get things done.

Plus i'm also encouraged to rest as much as possible and to avoid stress.

I have a new project lined up which i'm really relieved about and that should keep me busy for the next few months. But i'm taking it slow and giving myself a few more days of rest before i really get back into the swing of work.

So yeah, my day continues...

Covered in snow & emo like a roller coaster.

It's been about 10 days since i had my surgery and most of the serious pain has gone. I can pretty much walk around without hunching over or looking like i have a stick up my arse. I can even sit on the foot stool without yelling out that i may have pulled a muscle.

So far so good.

And since i'm new to this town and was not due to see my gynae for a check-up for another 9 months, i was in no desperate need to find an English-speaking one anytime soon.

But obviously, things change.

I, had previously googled for one but to find an English-speaking female gynaecologist seemed harder than it was. So when i told one of the doctor's at the hospital my dilemma, she was kind enough to recommend me one even though she said she wasn't technically allowed to. However, the gynae that she recommended just had a baby in December, so the doctor who notified me of the ectopic pregnancy and who also operated on me, will be her replacement when she's not around.

When she first examined me one of the questions she asked was why did i decide to move to this town. When she asked me whether it was because of my boyfriend, i said 'genau' which means 'exactly/correct' in German. And as if she empathised with me she said she understood because that's why she moved here too.

She speaks relatively good English, so i'm not stressing when she's explaining things. Plus she's very gentle and doesn't mind explaining things when i ask silly/obvious questions. She looks quite young [compared to my previous gynae's that i've had who were in their 50's].

So anyway yesterday i went for my first check-up since leaving the hospital last Wednesday. Everything is in order. My ovaries seem to be in perfect shape. And the healing process is going quite well. The incision on the left side is slightly bigger and has left a slight hole, probably from the tube that was hanging out there to drain the blood. It's not a gaping hole where my guts can fall out but it is an obvious indent.

But my doc reassured me that the skin should fuse together and not to worry. And as simple as '1, 2, 3' she slapped on some super sticky surgical strips and said that should be fine.

I also had to give blood... again.

I really don't like needles. My right arm has all these puncture wounds at the fold of my elbow, i almost look like i've been shooting up one too many times.

So anyway, my HCG levels [which stands for my pregnancy hormone levels] were still high on Friday when i went to the hospital and so they need to monitor it. It was somewhere in the 4,000 range and it should be down to zero. But apparently when i was first admitted to the hospital, my levels were somewhere in the 21,000 mark, so it's slowly making it's way down. Perfectly normal they say and should take a few weeks before it's back to it's original state.

Which could explain my sudden emotional bursts. One moment i'm fine and the next i'm crying.

J's been quite good in making sure my head is kept above water but sometimes when he goes on and on about how some people have it worse off, i can't seem to get a hold of my emotions and then i just break down again and then i'm fine. But then hours later i'm upset over something and thinking that he doesn't love me. And then i'm back to crying because i'm sorry.

It's I'm so annoying.

But the last couple of months have definitely put a helluva lot of stress on our relationship. In essence it was J with his work and me with trying to find my groove back in German. And then there was the every day frustrations, dealing with boredom and readjusting ourselves to a new environment. I think at one point, we may have lost our footing and our/my goal.

And like a true believer in fate, perhaps me going under the knife and removing the ectopic pregnancy was Life's cruel way of waking me up, forcing me to look at what i've become and in turn be more appreciative.

I don't know.

But what i do know is it wasn't meant to be and i have a whole new year ahead of me to make some kind of change.

...

And before i continue on riding on this emotional roller coaster, i'll add some photos from the weekend. The weather man predicted the snow blizzard known as Daisy would pass over most of Germany. And there was warnings not to go outside unless necessary. It even went as far as telling people to buy extra food, batteries and candles in case of a power shortage.


So there i was expecting some huge blinding blizzard to sweep through but where we live, it wasn't so bad. And although we had i reckon 20cm of snow fall and it was pretty damn windy outside, it wasn't as crazy as i thought it would be.


It's below freezing temperatures at the moment so the snow remains. And since Saturday the snow out in my neighbor's garden and our balcony hasn't seemed to have melted or gone anywhere. Everything looks so pretty when it's covered in white.


On Saturday J woke up early and surprised me by doing the dishes and making breakfast. The snow continued to whip across through the freezing wind whilst we stayed bundled up behind heated walls and channel surfed.


Then on Sunday when the blizzard left, we decided to take a walk around the neighborhood before it got dark. We had been cooped up indoors all weekend and J thought it would be a good idea to get some fresh air and some kind of exercise. So whilst he cleared the driveway and sprinkled extra salt on the ground so i wouldn't slip, i packed on the layers for our excursion around the block.


We ended up walking down one road that had hedges on either side of the road. The photo looks much scarier than it was. With no lights ahead and not a single sound, it was like a scene from a horror flick. But with so much snow on the ground it made the surrounding area much lighter than it was despite the sun having gone down already.The flash doesn't do the photo any justice.


We were surrounded by fields and random little streams. We tried to measure how deep the snow was and in some places it would come up to the top of my Timberland boots.


Standing by some stream and on the side of some field doing i'm-not-quite-sure.


Then as i was walking i stopped dead in my tracks. I noticed these foot prints on the floor. Like Nature's own graffiti, it littered the floor with random patterns.


I couldn't help but laugh when J showed me this pattern. It looked like he/she was confused and was running in circles.


Sometimes when i look at peoples' garden covered in snow, it reminds of that scene in Ghostbusters when that marshmallow guy explodes and the whole city is covered in white goo.

One hospital after another.

I don't know what happened but Time has escaped me once again. But i have several perfectly valid reasons why i've been missing. So i'll try my best to regurgitate my thoughts.

To start off with Christmas was relatively non-existent for J and i. Seeing that we had planned on being away for Christmas we didn't bother getting a tree and going overboard with the decorations. And by the time we actually were back from our short getaway to Mainz, we were too busy trying to keep warm and hoping our apartment would heat up faster.

So anyway when Christmas finally came around we made our phone calls to wish our families Merry Christmas. And J found out his grandmother had a heart attack the week before and was still in hospital. So we decided on Sunday Dec 27th, to pack our things and drive to Walsrode. We ended up staying 2 nights instead of 1 at his grandmother's place and spent a few hours at the hospital each day with J's dad and Oma.

I had a slight fever then but i thought it was just me getting a cold. After all it is flu season.


We brought along a Monopoly travel set, which helped pass the time.

The night before we left, we went to play billiards with his younger brother and his girlfriend. I can't really play but seeing we were in pairs, i had to play. We eventually ended up at a different place to have dinner and drinks where they had a special deal that night for cocktails. "Überraschung Cocktails" which basically translates to "Suprise Cocktails" that the bartender chooses and at a cheaper rate. So J and i were intrigued and a had few of them.

The next day we left to go back home and drove through Hannover to say hi to his friends. By the time we were back home it was past midnight and i was exhausted and feeling slightly nauseous.

Fast forward to new year's eve...

We weren't sure what we wanted to do since the town we live in isn't exactly bursting with activities. And seeing that it was so last minute, anywhere we did want to go would cost us quite a bit. So while i was at the point of giving up and in no mood to do anything, J was persistent and searched online what was going on in neighboring cities.


Made a nice salad with salmon, then cooked a steak for J and for myself i had fried Calamari.


We eventually went to a club called Fusion in Münster, which is about an hour away. The club is relatively big and has 3 rooms playing Techno, Hardtec, Minimal, Electro and House. It was free entry that night one just had to pay for the 10 Euros drink coupons at the start. The vibe was great and there was a constant flow of people coming in and out of the place.

People were super friendly there. One girl even came up to me and gave me her 5 Euro drink coupons cause she was leaving early. I offered to give her the 5 Euros back but she refused and said it was a gift. I was nicely surprised since something like that would never happen in the club we used to go to in Düsseldorf.

By the time we got home it was light and my stomach was cramping like there was no tomorrow. I've had cramps before but by the time we got to our front door, i couldn't even lift my legs to get out the car. I sat there crying whilst J tried to lift me out of the car.


I spent the rest of the day resting and taking a bath hoping the pain would disappear.

It didn't.

J insisted i go to the doctor but i was stubborn enough to say it was only cramps and after a day or two i'd be fine. The next day the pain was slightly less but my lower abdomen hurt so much i found it hard to walk. I eventually agreed to go to a doctor. J found one online that was open on the weekend and rushed there before they closed. I think that was around 6:30pm on January 2nd.

I think the doctor had some hearing problems because he kept asking J to repeat himself. I was told to lie down and then he touched my stomach twice. And each time he pressed down i yelled out that it hurt. Immediately he said i had to go to hospital and declared i had Appendicitis.

Great.

So we back into the car and a couple hundred metres ahead was the hospital.

After waiting an hour or so and feeling like i was going to pass out, it was finally our turn to see the doctor. At first they weren't sure what was wrong and so they took some of my blood to find out.


I had told them i had been bleeding since my last period and that was about 3 weeks already. Let me just add that i've been taking the Pill for the past 2 years, so i didn't suspect anything except that perhaps stress had caused my cycle to go a bit haywire. But they said bleeding for that long isn't normal and rushed me to the gynecologist to do an ultrasound.

And then i was told, i was pregnant.

As i watched the screen while she was probing inside me, i saw the clearly defined fetus that measured 2cm. Apparently i was already 9 weeks pregnant. The second she told me, i felt my heart drop. J was waiting for me in the next room with the door slightly open and i immediately said, "J... Did you hear that!?" His response was "Yeah".

There was silence.

And then the doctor told me it was an Ectopic pregnancy and that the fetus had embedded itself in my left fallopian tube and both had to be immediately removed. If the tube would burst i could die due to internal bleeding. In fact the doctor was amazed that the tube was still intact.

As the doctor explained the procedure i began to cry. It may have been the whole shock of it all. I was a mixed bag of emotions.


She explained the operation would be done by laparoscopy (keyhole surgery) and that they had to fill my abdominal area with carbon dioxide gas. They basically make 3 cuts; one for the camera, 1 for the scissors and the other for some other instrument. And seeing that my tube was still intact, i didn't need to get a bigger cut much like a c-section.

I signed the paper and was scheduled to be operated within minutes.

I think it was 9:46pm when i was being prepped to go into the operating room. The last thing i remember was watching the sleeping gas mask being placed over my nose and mouth.


The whole procedure took an hour and i spent about an hour passed out in the recovery room. J was busy contacting my family and insurance company.


He even managed to get me in a private room with my own toilet and shower. Which i am so grateful for since if i had had to share a room i would have had to walk down the hallway to the bathroom with my arse hanging out.


I then spent 4 nights in the hospital. The first 2 days were absolutely horrible. I felt bloated and could barely stand up. I had a pipe with a bag attached to my abdominal area for any excess blood. It was so gross to look at and felt so uncomfortable. The doctor took it out after the 2nd day because i complained of more pains. Apparently the doctor said they found quite a lot of blood in my abdominal area already prior to the operation.

I was told my iron level is below the "normal" level which could explain my tiredness even before the operation and since i lost some blood i have to take iron supplements to bring the level back up.


I think they forgot that they put a plastic drip thingamijig in my arm, so for 3 days i had 1 near my elbow and one in my hand - and that definitely wasn't comfortable! They eventually took me off the drip because my hand had swollen up so much that i could barely bend my fingers. My wrist is still slightly sore from the internal plastic tube.


But this was my view, my mini TV that could be moved around. I had to wear these white stockings the whole time i was there to keep the blood circulating. They were so tight, my legs felt like sausages. And every day the nurses would give me an injection in my leg to make sure my blood wouldn't clot, so now i've got all these puncture wounds in my upper right thigh.

The view from my window...


It snowed throughout the night...


It was was super cold outside and was about -5 degrees Celsius. And every day more and more snow fell.


But i was really happy that J was still on holiday until that Tuesday. Everyday he brought me cake and cheese rolls. And spent his days with me laying beside me on my bed and watching TV. He brought me a beautiful small bouquet of flowers with a single beautiful rose in the middle and that sat on my window sill to keep me company.


But yesterday i decided that i was fit enough to go home (Wednesday January 6th) and J came to pick me up after work. Even though i've developed some kind of cough, i just wanted to be at home. My hair was greasy and i was already smelling kind of funky. J was sweet enough to help me wash my hair and scrub me down so i wouldn't slip.


It's still uncomfortable to walk but i'm improving each day. Although lying down can be bit of a problem and i need help sometimes getting up, i know it'll be a couple of weeks till i'm fully recovered. And hopefully by then my German classes will have begun and i'll be back to my old self.

Emotionally, i'm doing ok i guess.

Although i do have my moments when i start crying. Not because i wanted to be pregnant now but because of the whole situation. So many factors are involved; i was pregnant, now i'm not. My left fallopian tube had to be cut out. The fact that i could have died if i had waited any longer still messes with my head once and a while. Then having to go into surgery. Being in pain and of course the dreadful What-ifs.

So many things are rolling through my head right now. But as they say, Time heals all wounds and i guess i should be grateful that it wasn't any worse.

Tomorrow i need to make my way by bus to the hospital to get my blood taken so they can measure whether my pregnancy hormone levels have gone down to '0' and whether the infection [caused by a cough] that i have developed is under control.


But there's heaps of snow outside and it's been snowing all morning. I reckon another 10cm have fallen. Even icicles are formed at the bottom of cars. I hope the ground isn't too icy because i'm walking on my own tomorrow and falling down would definitely not be a good idea.

So yea, that was my Christmas and New Years in a nutshell for ya. Oh and to add to it all, i've also stopped smoking. It's only been about 11 days now - if you don't count the 3 cigarettes i had at New Year.

How was your Christmas and New Year? I'm sure it was a helluva lot better than mine.