For the past few days my appetite has gone out of the window. I've been so tired lately, i even stayed in bed til 3.30pm today. I missed dinner last night, breakfast and lunch. And then i got all emotional then decided it was best that i go back into bed. I didn't leave my room til 7pm and that was only because i had to pick up my pair of Timberlands from the shoe repair store.
I think it's the nerves because this afternoon i suddenly found myself almost hyperventilating. The fear of the unknown is overwhelming. Emotions are definitely running high in this household. The stress of money, me having to find a job, moving away, being in the cold, in a new environment, all of the above has been starting to give me chest pains. I woke up today and i just wanted to shut the world away.
The anticipation of not knowing what's next still hangs in the air. It doesn't help that my muscles are all tense and it won't be long until i'm cooped up on a plane.
I know it's stupid but the very fact that i have to take a train to the next city when i arrive on my own out of the airport is freaking me out. It's dumb! I mean everybody does it. It's not like i've never traveled before and i take public transport everywhere. For fucks sake woman, get yourself together! It's moments like these i wish i could slap myself.
Suddenly stepping on a new territory is totally freaking me out!
Could it be my GAD talking? I thought i had it under control. Isn't that what i have my meds for? I'm considering popping a Xanax just to calm me down. The excessive worrying is eating away at my brain and i just want to hide in a corner and cry. I wouldn't be lying if i said, i'm actually really scared and all i want to do is throw up.
J sent me an email after we spoke this morning to tell me what platform to go on just in case i forgot. Which in my case, is highly likely. I've imprinted the number on the inner wall of my brain anyway. Train 616.
He even tried to reassure me my nerves were just normal and that everything would be fine. But somehow that didn't quite convince me and i could feel myself becoming really anxious. He then tried to get me to say ONE word in German, which wasn't a huge deal since it was the name of the city but i told him i couldn't but i'm sure if i opened my mouth i could. I said it under my breath. He didn't hear me but i insisted that i didn't want to. And like a little child i pleaded to him, "Don't laugh at me. Not now... please stop!"
And for some reason i felt like a real idiot.
Sometimes i hear this voice in my head and it sounds like Nelson from the Simpsons and he screams, "HA, HA!" I even have visions of evil strangers coming up to me pointing and looking at me with disgust. All i want to do is bury myself into my pillow and smother myself.
Breathe. Just breathe.
I think it's the nerves because this afternoon i suddenly found myself almost hyperventilating. The fear of the unknown is overwhelming. Emotions are definitely running high in this household. The stress of money, me having to find a job, moving away, being in the cold, in a new environment, all of the above has been starting to give me chest pains. I woke up today and i just wanted to shut the world away.
The anticipation of not knowing what's next still hangs in the air. It doesn't help that my muscles are all tense and it won't be long until i'm cooped up on a plane.
I know it's stupid but the very fact that i have to take a train to the next city when i arrive on my own out of the airport is freaking me out. It's dumb! I mean everybody does it. It's not like i've never traveled before and i take public transport everywhere. For fucks sake woman, get yourself together! It's moments like these i wish i could slap myself.
Suddenly stepping on a new territory is totally freaking me out!
Could it be my GAD talking? I thought i had it under control. Isn't that what i have my meds for? I'm considering popping a Xanax just to calm me down. The excessive worrying is eating away at my brain and i just want to hide in a corner and cry. I wouldn't be lying if i said, i'm actually really scared and all i want to do is throw up.
J sent me an email after we spoke this morning to tell me what platform to go on just in case i forgot. Which in my case, is highly likely. I've imprinted the number on the inner wall of my brain anyway. Train 616.
He even tried to reassure me my nerves were just normal and that everything would be fine. But somehow that didn't quite convince me and i could feel myself becoming really anxious. He then tried to get me to say ONE word in German, which wasn't a huge deal since it was the name of the city but i told him i couldn't but i'm sure if i opened my mouth i could. I said it under my breath. He didn't hear me but i insisted that i didn't want to. And like a little child i pleaded to him, "Don't laugh at me. Not now... please stop!"
And for some reason i felt like a real idiot.
Sometimes i hear this voice in my head and it sounds like Nelson from the Simpsons and he screams, "HA, HA!" I even have visions of evil strangers coming up to me pointing and looking at me with disgust. All i want to do is bury myself into my pillow and smother myself.
Breathe. Just breathe.
3 comments:
hang in there chicka! Send you good karma vibes! using our new notebook at work.
By the way, guess who is on big egomaniac boss 'carcass' list. ME! He is being such a fuck face! But lets just say im not going to be a carcass! But his fucking ego needs to chill the hell out. Sorry griping here since i have no where else to grip since Facebook would be for all bosses to see. So on the up side - u dont have to deal with this crap anymore!
Have a good and safe trip and hope u hear ur bratwurst adventures!
miss u ..lil nut!
Hugs
from u know who!
too bad you got your man or you would be having a BRATWURST adventure....
lil miss i know who: Oh-uh! That doesn't sound right. I'm sure he's just trying to find an outlet to point his anger towards, so sorry you're his next victim. It sucks but i know you're a big girl and won't take unnecessary crap from no one!
And yes you'll hear about my bratwurst adventures once i have time to sit down and reflect on life... which i think will be later.
Miss you too hun and stay strong!
duke: ahahhah... you're such a nutter! Yes i do have my man... finally *smiles*
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