What Lies Beneath.

It's been one week since my last post and in that time we've gone from t-shirts-and-shorts weather back down to don't-forget-your-layers kind of temperatures.


So i planned on writing sooner but as you know, laziness has a habit of taking over sometimes.

But between forever waiting for the feedback from my client and attending German classes twice a week, not much has happened.

Oh except, maybe, that i managed to piss J off once again on Sunday.

How?

By forgetting to take the key out from the inside of the door before i shut the door and we went out. You see, even though we had another set of keys with us, the fact that there was still a key inside the lock on the inside meant we couldn't turn the lock from the outside.

Oopsies.


So J had to call the locksmith for the second time [the first time happened last month] to come and open our door. And just like that we managed to waste 59 Euro.

As i continued to apologise to J, i could tell he was really annoyed with me. God forbid that anyone but himself is allowed to make mistakes. And that's when i reminded him i didn't get mad when he got two parking tickets and later got his car towed.

He kept quiet after that.

I then told him we were "even" when it came to wasting money and promised i would never, ever, forget my key in the lock.

We all fuck up at one point or another, but what i've learned is to accept it and move on.


We later spent the rest of the day cycling down the Rhine river and crossing one of the bridges to get to the other side.


And ended the day with yummy but overpriced Flammkuchen and an alcoholic beverage hence the smiles.


But lately i've noticed that J's been leaving obvious hints that he resents the fact that i am able to work from home. The fact that i get to stay at home, in his head, means i have more free time than him. And although i insist there's no comparison, our conversations always end on an unhappy note.

Then on Monday i was super happy when i received an advance on my payments. But my happiness was soon replaced with anxiety when i received an email from a potential new client saying that he may have to cancel working with me if he doesn't hear from his partners.

No work = No money. No money = Not Happy.

I reckon i've got a few more months until i start freaking out that my bank balance is a single digit, so for now i need a new plan.

I've got the next two weeks off from German class, thanks to Easter being just around the corner, so that should give me at least some time to do some research and start putting together my portfolio.

A Case of Alpha Male Syndrome.

After much thought, i've decided to meet up with the Kazakhstanian Blond Chick again. I figured my German won't get any better if i'm cooped up at home all day doing work. Plus i'm starting to get a feeling that J is getting annoyed that i have to wait for him to return phone calls and run complicated errands because i lack the confidence and the vocabulary.

January had a lot more expenses than i had calculated for and until my client pays me the money that they owe me, i won't be able to register for any German courses. Majority of the courses began 2 weeks ago and nearly all of them are full already. But apparently there's a course beginning in April which i'm thinking of joining.

So until then i'm looking at other options.

One option is to join a German Language Group which is run by an English speaking guy who is fluent in German. Which i'm actually keen on doing since that will mean i could meet other English-speaking people. Plus by having the lessons explained in English, i may actually understand it better rather than always flicking through my dictionary every other minute.

So when i told J about this idea, i don't think he was as enthusiastic about it as i was.

I think he might even be jealous. Never mind that there will be other people in the group. Maybe it's that whole alpha male syndrome talking. He has no issues with me going alone to meet up with random females but getting tutored by a guy [with other people] is a whole different ball game apparently.

I dunno, boys are weird that way.

Anyway, now that we have a faster internet connection, J has started getting into the habit of gaming after he gets back from work. He's not as hardcore as before and so far it's only been 4 times a week but i can't help but think it'll only be a matter of time.

Things To do Today.

It's 6:45 AM and i've already got a long list of Things To Do Today. Not only do i have to finish my work so i can email my copywriter the finish pieces to be proofread but i still have stuff to sort out at home.

Majority of it involves cleaning; taking out the garbage, replacing the kitty litter, mopping the floors, wiping down the windows and vacuuming the carpets... again. Damn cat hair!

Plus i have a whole load of crap that's waiting to be stored in the cellar. And why do we have, like, a dozen pair of shoes sitting in our hallway taking up all the space?

Clutter... clutter... clutter.


And somewhere in between all of that frenzy i need to get my arse to the post office to mail Mimi's birthday present. I'm hoping if i send it by today, it'll arrive at my sisters' place tomorrow.

Why do i have a habit of leaving things until the last minute?


My worry is with the amount of snow that is still outside and the potential snow showers later. Although i don't mind the 4 km bike ride - i need the exercise anyway but it's the melting snow that i'm more concerned about. My tyres are not equipped for such slippy conditions plus i don't own a helmut.

But if i decide to take the bus it will be faster but it'll take longer for me to get home. It only drives by this way every two hours and it'll cost me 4 Euros. Obviously, Time is of essence and 4 Euros is a lot of money. So with the first bus leaving at 8:40 AM, i gotta make up my mind quick!

All i know is at 5 PM our landlord is coming with some potential tenants to view our apartment. It'll be the first time he will have seen the place since we moved in fourteen months ago and the first time to officially meet Luna and Yoshi.

*Hopes to all living creatures that the kitties don't freak out and run out the front door*

So it's vital that we make a good impression especially since we're moving out in a few weeks and we need our security deposit back.

OK enough dilly-dallying, i need to get back to scrubbing.

Homebound + Still Looking For A New Home

Outside my work room at 08:24

If you haven't heard already, many northern parts of Europe have been hit by massive snow storms. Airports have been shut down for the last two days. Many highways and roads are iced over causing accidents to pop up right, left and centre. I even heard on the radio yesterday they calculated a total of 330 km worth of traffic jams in Germany.

Absolute madness and definitely not the best time to be on the road.

As for the temperatures, Berlin was said to have reached a miserable -20˚Celsius last night - and that's just the core temperature, one didn't factor in the wind temperature.

Ouch!

We, as in the town that i'm in, suffered only -9˚C. Last year i learned my lesson NOT to switch off the heaters during Winter... ever! So now the apartment is a comfortable 19˚C, well that's what it says on the clock thermometer in the bathroom.

But it looks like it'll be getting warmer this weekend and by warmer i mean hovering around the 0˚C mark. Still quite frosty but the kind of weather you can go about your business without going numb.

Slushee, anyone?

So apart from my keen interest in the weather and trying not to get too distracted from work, my other new obsession is keying in the address' of potential homes in Google Maps and taking advantage of their Panoramic feature. Some people may bitch that it's an intrusion of privacy.

But i don't.

Been There... Done That... Will Do It Again!

I can't get over how cool it is. It's like being there but not. Ya know what i mean?

Seeing a true to life perspective of a surrounding area not only prepares me mentally for what there is to come but by orientating myself, i don't feel so much like a fish out of water. I'm not so much of a fan of surprises. Especially since we have to travel 170 km to get there, it's nice to arrive and know what to expect.

Anyway, J and i have a strong liking towards one of the apartments we'll be seeing on Saturday.

In fact, it was one of the very first apartments i saw but only now they're taking on appointments. The real estate guy says we're the first people to see the place. I so hope that's true since that could mean are chances of getting the place is higher.

But then again, what's a little competition in life to make an experience just that little bit more exciting.

One more day... ONE MORE DAY!

One Can Never Be Too Sure.

So over dinner i was telling J about how i wrote about Mr. Fake Person* in my previous post. And that i casually mentioned that during the day somebody in Germany had googled, "Fake Person* London*". He or She had landed on that particular post and refreshed the page several times. Whether he was translating the page or just kept hitting the wrong key, i can't be sure.

J then immediately stopped eating and said, "You didn't use his real name, did you?"

I replied with, Yes. Why?

"You do know he could be part of a huge syndicate or part of the mob. And by basically exposing his tactics and name, you've put yourself at risk..."

"He has our details", he continued.

Oh shit.

Over the years i've been rather careful about keeping names ambiguous for the sake of security and privacy. Although i'm not sure why i wasn't this time.

Stupid... stupid me.

And with the world wide web available at a click of the button, it's amazing how much crap you can find out about a person online. We've all read about cyber stalkers, some may even be guilty of being one to some degree. Whether you're checking Facebook, twitter or blogs, nowadays looking up a person is so much easier.

And so my paranoid self stopped eating and went to my work room to repost the previous entry.

By replacing their names, dates, locations and places he had given, i could at least tell my story but almost turn my story to fiction. Well that was my plan. For all i know, Fake Person* is a good guy and is telling the truth.

But i'm not taking any chances.

So to those people who had read yesterday's post or had a notification, not much has changed except for the fine details of the last section.

* Name and place has been changed to protect the so-called innocent.

Moving on...

We have four apartments to view this Saturday. Can you believe it, FOUR! Yup, they confirmed and all of them look quite promising. Although i'll be certain when i see each place with my own two eyes.

Each apartment has its' own strengths, so i reckon it'll have to come down to the location and our immediate gut instinct.

I won't get into full detail because i don't want to jinx anything but i'd like to think out of the four apartments we'll be seeing, one of them has to be at least THE ONE.

BBB Adventures + Hard Cheese Roasted Potatoes

So i made it to Marktkauf - a bigger and more pricier supermarket than we'd normally go to. And seeing that i was on a mission to show my independence, i went there on my own by bicycle. Prior to leaving though, i checked google map to see if there was a shorter route that went through the forest and that used side streets with barely any traffic.


I waited for the rain to stop. Then armed myself with my trusty knapsack i got for free from the pet store and made sure i had several cloth bags in tow.

I also did my part for Mother Nature and made my way to the recycling bins just down the road. There you can recycle clear/green glass and old paper.

It's common practise in Germany to recycle.

In fact, i don't think i would be wrong if i said, it's frowned upon if you don't separate your trash. And by that i mean separating the tin cans, recyclable plastic and styrofoam from the paper and putting them in the designated bins/bags.

Having lived here for nearly three years, it's already become a habit.

So on to my supermarket adventure...

There's a small patch of trees that lie between the housing area and the small bridge that i had to cross to get to the next block.


And this was the spot that i nearly had a head-on collision with two oncoming cyclists with extremely bright lights on my way back. Like a moth to a flame with bad night vision, i was confused.

I should have known better not to go down there when the sun had gone down.

I was carrying way too much causing my weight to be unbalanced. And it didn't help that the leaves on the ground created an uneven surface to ride on.

I apologised to the cyclists as they passed me since it was technically my fault as i was riding on the wrong side of the unmarked "path". I don't think they were very happy since they didn't say anything back to me.

All i can say to that was good thing it was dark.

This is what i had to carry...

And yes, they were very heavy and full to the brim.

I managed to squeeze the CO2 bottle, 2kg worth of potatoes and god knows what else i bought into my knapsack but there was still heaps left i couldn't fit.

Oops.

And so i decided to buy a discounted Shopper Bag from Tchibo for 9 Euros.

[source]

It ended up being a great buy!

Not only is it super spacious and light, it even has a detachable bag inside. Yay for 2-in-1's! And considering how much crap i always bring with me on trips, i'd say it's great for traveling too.


And amongst the various other items i bought and not because we really needed it, i ended up buying a Himalayan Salt grinder [which so happens to be endorsed by Jamie Oliver]. Surprisingly, it ended up being slightly cheaper than the other brands.

What possesses anyone to buy Himalayan salt, you ask?

Well some time ago we were looking at buying a Himalayan Salt lamp.

Heat from the bulb [in the lamps] or flames [in the candle holders] causes salt to emit negative ions. These negative ions bond with pollutants in the air [positive ions] and neutralizes them. [source]

Being indecisive as to which one we actually wanted, we told the woman we'd come back later. She then gave us a free sample pack of Himalayan cooking salt. And so we've been using it for special occasions since the sample pack was really small.

Himalayan crystal salt is far superior to traditional iodized salt which is extremely toxic. Himalayan salt is millions of years old. It is a pure form of salt, untouched by many of the toxins and pollutants that pervade other forms of ocean salt. This crystal form of salt has also been maturing over the past 250 million years... [source]

The taste is slightly more intense and they argue that because of its intense flavor, they use less salt than they would when seasoning with table salt. [source]

But what i really needed from the supermarket was garlic salt.

Yes, i know i got a bit distracted but never mind.

Reason being was i was browsing through Meg Kat's blog yesterday and found Parmesan Roasted Potato Wedges [click to view recipe].


The recipe called for red potatoes but they didn't have any at the supermarket i was at, so i went with normal potatoes. I ended up using hard cheese instead of Parmesan because the price difference was immense. And seeing that i also bought a new garlic pepper grinder, i added some of that to the mix too.


It was definitely a nice change from the usual mashed potatoes with Dijon mustard or boiled potatoes smothered in butter and parsley i often would make to accompany our meals.

I sort of over baked them because i was waiting for J to come home from work and ended up leaving them inside the oven to cool. Nonetheless, they were crunchy and full of flavor. That said, i reckon using real Parmesan would have them tasting so much better.

Thanks Meg, i'll definitely be making them again!

Stinking Mad!

[WARNING: RANT AHEAD]

Do you know what drives me up the goddamn stinking wall? Waking up before the crack of dawn and opening my bedroom door to the rest of the apartment and inhaling the stench of stale cigarettes.

Seriously, that smell never REALLY goes away.

OK, so i used to smoke.

But i don't now.

I started at the tender age of fourteen and decided sometime after Christmas last year that i had enough. I'm thirty now.

They say, the worst non-smokers out there, are the ones who have quit.

And i would have to agree with them.

Maybe it's because our senses have been renewed/cleansed. Or maybe our ducts have seen a new lease on life and would much rather get more, i dunno... oxygen perhaps!

I dunno, all I know is that i can't stand the smell of cigarette smoke!

I don't smoke but my clothes and hair smell as if i've dusted myself with ash.

It's gross and i don't like it.

What's worse is my sore throat has now escalated to my thyroid gland being swollen causing me great discomfort when i swallow or even take a sip of water. If only there was such a thing that second-hand cigarette smoke causes such inflammation and could be in fact fatal, then maybe, just MAYBE, J will have the decency to go out on the goddamn balcony and smoke!

But his excuse is, "It's too cold."

Fair enough.

It's 8˚C at the moment, then wear a PAIR OF FUCKING SOCKS!

We even made this deal that he switches the fan on, open the balcony door and lights scented candles, that way the place doesn't smell like an ashtray.

But when i woke up just now, none of them were lit and the balcony door was only slightly open.

When i asked him, why he didn't light any.

He says, "You were sleeping."

Yeah, i WAS sleeping, now i'm awake AND now it fucking stinks!

And to make matters worse, he's still playing that fucking battle ships game since last night. So much for us spending time together!

His excuse is that it's "his time out".

It's his way of de-stressing. But each time i bicker and complain, he goes all ape shit on me and says it stresses him out even more and tells me not to act like his mother.

WELL FUCK YOU TOO!

I've had a restless seven hours sleep but perhaps seven peaceful hours for him.

And now i'm awake to the living room door slammed shut because that's where he is right now clicking away and polluting that side of the apartment.

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRR....

It makes me so fucking angry!!! HE sometimes MAKES ME SO FUCKING ANGRY!!!

We're supposed to be driving to Cologne at 1 PM today.

But after this early mornings' confrontation and door slamming, it wouldn't surprise me that he plays that stupid game all morning just to spite me.

I, seriously, loathe waking up in a fucked up mood.

It's pitch black outside and nobody in their right mind would be up this early on a weekend unless of course they have work to do.

*Breathe IN with the Good*
.
.
.
*Breathe OUT with the Bad*
.
.
.
*Breathe IN with the Good*
.
.
.
*Breathe OUT with the Bad*
.
.
.

But THIS is the kind of stress that probably causes my hair to fall out in clumps.

This rage is the kind that i'm too familiar with.

I thought i was over it and to have it back in my life it just makes me just sick. I'm trying to control myself but i can feel my heart clench. I imagine my blood boiling with frustration.

I know, i may have been a much nicer person as a smoker. And maybe, i'd even save myself a few grey hairs if i'd just join him for a smoke or two but for the time being, i'm standing my ground and protesting.

Oh, my head hurts.

Nothing Stays The Same.

I used to be obsessed with the Time. I remember at one point, i had to have a watch/clock in every room in my apartment and was forever glancing over to check the Time. Not sure why and most of the time it never registered, that when someone asked for the Time a second after i looked at a clock, more than often i would have have to look again.

Sure i could just wear a watch - which i did, but that wasn't good enough. And not because i was late for my appointments, i just simply liked knowing what Time it was. Then i don't know what happened but eventually that obsession faded away and now i just rely on the clocks on my mobile/MacBook.

Maybe it was my adolescent years yearning for something to happen and waiting impatiently for the next second to arrive. And with every passing second it was just a bigger disappointment.

*Shrugs*

For awhile now i've been told i dilly-dally too much. So i set my clocks 10 minutes faster, that way i can get to places on time and not have to stress that i'm running late. And when J asks me for the time, it's usually followed by me asking, "Real Time or My Time?"

I went from a teenager who combined all her friendship bands, silver bracelets, bangles and fuck bands to one who wore dozens of plastic multi-coloured beaded bracelets [known to the Melbourne rave world as Kandy and often swapped them with other ravers]. To now, where only a simple black elastic hair band wraps around my wrist. I don't even know at what point i stopped wearing a watch.

But now my new obsession is checking the temperature. I'm forever bitching that it's either too cold, too hot, too whatever.

And as you can see, i've added a temperature widget to my page. It's mainly for my benefit, so i know what to wear before i step out the door. There were times i've gone outside thinking that the blue skies and sunshine could only mean it must be lovely t-shirt weather.

WRONG!

And October is supposed to be Autumn and probably the most beautiful time of the year with the changing of the leaves. So seeing the sun is an absolute treat because in all honesty, one never knows when the sun will come back. Hello Winter depression!


There's a house just down the road from the service apartment that's covered in vines. It's not abandoned, there are people living in it and it's the only one in the area. So i was telling J i've always liked creepers and vines on houses. And then J ruined my fantasy of living in a house covered in vines by reminding me they attract spiders, nests and all sorts of bugs.

And that was the end of my desire to have vines and creepers on my home. I Detest with a capital D, those 8-legged creatures. Just thinking about it, gives me goose bumps!

...

But it's getting really cold now. I can't remember whether last year was this cold. J now has to scrape frost off his car and last night it dipped down to -2 degrees Celcius. I am so happy our new place has proper heating and carpet in the bedrooms.

So yesterday i took the train to Guetersloh to meet up with J after work since we wanted to organise a few things back at The House. I'm calling our place, The House because well technically it is and seeing that we're still at the service apartment, we always get confused which place we're talking about.

There i was with my 2 layers, a pullover, a hoodie and a woolen coat even though the weatherman promised sunshine and no rain.

WRONG!

Ok, not entirely wrong. There was rain and it felt colder than 8 degrees Celcius. There were moody looking clouds in the sky threatening another down pour. But then i saw the most amazing looking rainbow. One that crossed over the City Hall and behind one of the local banks.


I just stood there like a deer in the headlights in absolute awe. And for a moment there i actually forgot i couldn't feel my face.

Cutting Costs.

I'm trying to quit smoking.
.
.
.
Again.

My last attempt was at the end of 2007 - which i will add was somewhat successful as i made it to 5 weeks. But due to an unforeseen circumstance of my neighbor's mistress being murdered below my apartment and a certain someone pouring on the hatred on me, i succumbed to the evils of nicotine.

I calculated that a standard pack of 18 cigarettes costs about 4 Euros = RM20. I used to smoke about 10-15 sticks a day and the amount varies depending on my state of mind, intoxication level, boredom and situation.

Then when i moved to Germany my funds were down to a bare minimum. I was lucky to even be able to afford groceries. Even the occasional take-away coffee from those coffee wagons was considered a luxury.

Yes, i definitely learned the value of Money. Damn this exchange rate.

But my 15-year habit made it nearly impossible to give up. So i tried buying loose tobacco and that ended up being far more cost effective. I eventually taught myself how to roll minus the aid of a machine. Tricky at first but determined to make decent looking cigarettes without them resembling joints.

Eventually with much practice and patience my nimble fingers were able to put together a cigarette + paper + a slim filter in record time.

Majority of people who hand roll their own cigarettes will tell you that their cigarettes taste far better than those pre-made ones. And it's true. They will also prove that the burning time of a self rolled one is much slower, in turn saving money in the long run. Something to do with a different kind of paper. Somewhere i read that normal cigarettes use some kind of sugar laced paper which in turn makes the paper burn much faster hence smokers tend to smoke more as they only get a few drags per stick.

Then a few months ago, i swapped from my regular loose tobacco [which would last me about a week per bag] and cost a little over 4 Euros to a cheaper brand that tasted much better and was only 3.65 Euros.

But now we are told that the prices of tobacco and cigarettes are going up again, if they haven't already.

J and i calculated that if we both quit smoking, we'd save around 300 Euros each per year! That's if we continue buying the cheaper brand and that's NOT including the random normal packs we might buy. I mean if it means a partial plane ticket to fly half way across the world, then i'm all up for it.

So i'm taking it slow.


I'm down to the last scraps of dry as ass tobacco = enough to make a total of 1 cigarette. Not the best and not really worth it. But like in all emergencies, it is there to tame the bitchiness should it arise.

I think my partial collection of empty slim filter plastic bags dates back 7 months: 120 pieces x 13 bags= 1,560 cigarettes. And that number doesn't include the normal filters and those cigarettes that we smoked without filters.

So yea, it's quite a lot.

But i'm proud to say in the past 4 days i've smoked a total of 1.5 cigarettes!

And when the craving hits, i treat myself to two drags - which isn't technically "QUITTING" but the taste is rather off and that usually encourages me to put it out again.

So we'll see how long this lasts.

J's been really good at it, he's gone cold turkey! And he used to smoke way more than me per day.

Maybe if i put my mind to it, it'll be like my sudden decision to become vegetarian over night. I mean it's already been 6 years sans flesh. Why can't i do it with smoking? I mean if i wanna have kids ONE DAY, i said one day not anytime soon, i should start somewhere. Right?

Let's hope i don't get into binge eating.

...

It's way too early. I need to go back to bed. I can already hear the craving calling out to me. Repeat: Mind over Matter.

Flyby Pollen and Remembering to Breathe.

Spring has finally freed herself from Winters' frosty clasp and she brings with her an array of rainbow colours and a sense of direction. Trees that stood naked in front of my living room window are now sprouting several shapes in all shades of green, all thanks to the process of photosynthesis.


But nature does come at a price.

Allergy sufferers [J included] are plagued with a cocktail of goodies; watery eyes, itchiness, continuous sneezes and asthma. As the increase of blossoms spread like wildfire throughout Europe, we are reminded that the pollen count proves to be at its' highest in the morning. I have even read, if possible, one should try and limit outdoor activities especially on windy days to a bare minimum. And finally once you reach home, have a quick shower and chuck your clothes in the wash to get rid of any stray pollen.

But ever since J's allergy attack earlier this week, our desire to frolic outdoors has been reduced.

So whilst we wait for the pollen to settle, we'll keep the windows closed, arm ourselves with the 3-month supply of Anti-Histamin tablets we bought to fight allergies and let nature run her course.

In the meantime, all we can do is continue to... breathe.


And with no absolute relation to the above paragraphs, i sometimes catch myself reminiscing at various times of the day. At the start, i was like a kid in a candy store. Shy and mesmerized by the new textures, smells and sights. Eventually all i could muster was the stereotypical "long-haired Asian girl with a soft spoken voice that smiled nervously".

And even my updated facts about myself sounded foreign to my ears. Words forming sentences that only months before, i could only dream of saying.

1. I live in Germany.
2. I do have a boyfriend and
3. Yes, we live together.

But more shocking is that it's been nearly a year and half since i said my farewells and hope-to-see-you-soon's to an influential chapter of my Life. And occasionally those Once-Upon-A-Time clear snapshots of my past reappear as flashcards in my head; be it the Good, the Bad and/or even the Ugly.

And then i wonder about the Changes that come about when a person moves on with ones' life. What happens to those lost connections? Is it me? Or is it them that has changed? And then there is that dreaded alienated feeling. Those uncomfortable silences that find you scraping the barrel of 101-Questions in hope that something could break the awkwardness.

Then i imagine that i'm on an extended holiday and at any moment i'm about to snap out of this dream.

There i'll be, standing in the Departure lounge waiting for my seat number to be called out. Reason being was there was a mix up and the chapter that i am currently living in, is in fact, fated for some other person! [I swear it's like a full-scale soup opera all up in my head.] The closing scene is of me being deported from what i know as my "Present" time back into my "Past" re-living my relapses and nightmares.

[OK now, it's steered towards a very Back II the Future slash i don't know. And it's even more absurd seeing it all typed out.]

But then i ask myself, am i worthy of this new chance at life? I'd like to think so.

I'd also like think every person should be given that right. And no, this is not some kind of born-again religious outburst. I'm sure there are many people out there with a sad story to tell, perhaps some are worse than others. Immediately empathizing with those who have dragged themselves or pulled through the Depression Battle fields.

Personally, i think experience beats any medical written report or Therapist one-on-one session.

And lucky for you, it comes with this little piece of advice, "To Remember Take Take Each Day As It Comes". Simple but effective. Somehow it seemed to make complete sense when Shit-Hit-The-Fan one too many times and those times i'd be at my wits' ends with work, life and the stresses that came with them.

Catching up on Zzz's.

I was in no mood do anything today. I would of slept more, had i not felt guilty. For a moment i thought i should be doing something more productive. But i delivered the project the day before yesterday to my client and now i'm just wating for feedback. I'm sure there will be changes, so i should be thankful i have this pause.

Last week i was working at my computer for so long that i developed this huge pain in my wrist that ran up my forearm. It got so bad, i had to ice it. And it's not the first time either.

Maybe it just means i should take more frequent breaks rather than sitting for hours on end?

So anyway, my day isn't really worth writing about but if you care to share the boredom read on...

I woke up and it was raining. I made some Kaiserschmarrn with apples and bananas. Kissed J good-bye then did the dishes and the laundry. Then passed out on the sofa waiting for the clothes to do their last spin.

And for the last few hours i've been parked in front of the TV wrapped up in my duvet watching one show after another... in German. CNN is the only English channel we have and they're repeating themselves.

I can't be arsed to connect the DVD player we inherited from the Ex and neither can i be bothered to hook up J's laptop to the TV to watch anything online.

I guess i'll just have to continue watching Germany's Next Top Model and see what else i can entertain myself with for the next 2 hours until J gets home.

'Nap Time' is necessary in order to function.

Stolen from Desktop Nexus Wallpapers.

Can you believe it's Friday already! It feels like only yesterday that i was moaning about how a new week was going to begin. And how the second section to the project i'm working on was so tedious to complete. The thought of Spring Cleaning did cross my mind.

But i did it. That section was completed on Tuesday night! And i rewarded myself by taking morning and afternoon naps thereafter. Now i'm onto the third part and i'm hoping it'll be smooth sailing.

I am totally not a morning person.

I dread the 6:45 Monday through Friday wake up calls. But if it means spending an hour with J in the morning, then a girls gotta do what a girls gotta do. I am so grateful that i can actually appreciate sleep. I remember there was a time that Sleep was my enemy and i'd be lucky if i got 4 hours of restless shuteye. Then waking up feeling more shit than i did hours before. Oh how i don't miss that.

But when Little L stays for the night, i'll be sure to be woken up by 7. A simple tap on the hand and repeated ducks to the floor until i peel my eyes open. Then followed by a morning hug and declaration that she's hungry. And as usual a mish-mash of cereals are poured into 2 bowls and we sit in front of the tv to watch cartoons in German.

And no, i don't understand all of it.

Somehow between my broken German, hand gestures and limited vocabulary we are able to understand one another. And thanks to my cartoon watching, i now know that SpongeBob SquarePants in German is actually called, Spongebob Schwammkopf.

Hmmm.

But i must say i always look forward to when J wakes up because then he can take over and have actual conversations with her. It can be rather frustrating not being able to communicate even on a childs level. I guess there's only one way to fix that.

But Little L is staying over tonight. Apparently her mother bought her this create-crystals kit for children and she insists that she wants to make it at our place. So hello Chemistry days!

I'm hoping she's gotten over her cold though. Because the last time she came over she was sick and i'm more than certain that i caught something from her. You know how children are prone to pick up all sorts of germs on the playground. Or maybe it was because she kept offering me Pretzel sticks from her hand and i couldn't say no.

And yes, i'm forever reminding J and Little L to wash their hands as soon as they come home.

But i think it's time to bust out with the Dettol spray just in case!

...


Oh and other great news, i'm also in the process of registering my own company.

Well i have the papers sitting on my desk. J was kind enough to go and get the paperwork for me the other day on his way to work. My serious lack of the German language requires him to translate everything for me. And so we're sitting down this weekend to go over it all.

But apparently, it's not as hard as i thought it would be to start up ones' own company. Basically, as long as i don't earn more than XX,XXX€ a year i won't be taxed. Of course there's other terms and conditions but from what i've been told briefly, it sounds pretty good. I'll be under the "Artists" category and there's even a list of benefits including cheaper Health Care cover.

Oh my how exciting. I'm weeks, if not days away from owning my very own company. Ummm... hello Boss, i believe it's time for a nap.

Certified Clutter Bug

I, Chrissie, am a certified Clutter Bug.

I am sure i've mentioned it before. I have receipts dating from way back when and some so old that the ink has already faded. Little chewing gum paper boats tucked in my bag and bits of bobs that don't make any sense but in my head they all have a 2nd purpose in life. I'm not sure why. I mean, one never knows when one needs to compare prices or need to return items. And should i need to set out a little army to protect a harbor, i am sure that my Extra Sugar-free Chewing gum wrappers would do the job just right.

My work space is getting slightly out of control and the surface area is slowly being suffocated by layers of... schtuff!

Oh noOOooo.

So whilst sipping a lukewarm semi-fresh ground coffee and smoking some left over tobacco this morning i found myself on Unclutterer[dot]com. [A link found on a link from a link from another link].

I haven't had a proper read yet since i'm actually in the midst of doing several things; cleaning the dishes, doing the laundry, chatting to a friend online AND doing actual work. But i found the site entertaining and one that i should probably seriously look into.

It states, "...Unclutterer is the website for home and office organization. It’s not just for the helplessly disorganized who would lose their heads if they weren’t attached, and pack rats looking to put their stashes on a diet, but also for obsessive compulsive neat freaks looking to squeeze even more order into their lives..."

My divided attention is the only way i can actually get things done. But before i finally realise i'm doing way too much at one go, i call it Multi-tasking, i end up doing something else! Then forgetting why i was doing that to begin with.

Oh shit. My laundry.

Is it Time yet?

I did it. I pressed SEND and there's no turning back.

Now all i have to do is sit patiently and wait for the headhunters to do their job. I'm not so much in a hurry since i'm quite enjoying this REST period. Chinese New Year is coming up so chances are everyone is gearing up for the holiday spirit and preparing their guts to be over fed.

Me? Well every day seems to blend into one. If it weren't for the window in front, i would still think it was last week. I sleep at odd times of the morning then i wake up before sunrise to swap a few stories and expose some emotions over the phone then crawl back into bed to join hands with my subconscious for a few more hours. Then as Tea time approaches i'm back behind the screen reading various articles and stimulating my visual senses. But often my bad posture forces me to sprawl across my bed, tunes continue to whisper from from my Sensational Speakers as i attempt to scratch through the pages of my recent purchase; More, Now, Again.

It keeps me occupied. Words keep me company.

I don't know when i'll have this much time off, so my sleep is very much welcomed. It's like when you find yourself in an awkward pose lying on your bed but strangely it's so damn comfortable [never mind that later you'll end up twisting a muscle] but you're wishing you could bottle the feeling up and stash it on the shelf for those days when you need it most... when you crave Comfort.

Well that's how i feel about Sleep, it's like a love-hate relationship. We're like best friends whereas before we were sworn enemies.

And yes, i am not ashamed to say my canary colored Made In Frankfurt t-shirt and hot pink Paul Frank shorts have become like a uniform and like an addict, i just can't seem to get enough.

Paperbacks

:: Beinart International Surreal Art Collective ::
[No i didn't buy this. I just thought the artwork was amazing]

So i decided to venture out of my little hole today and traveled South on the train. Accompanied by familiar tunes and surrounded by blank expressions. Avoiding eye contact, i kept myself busy by darting my stares between the beige coloured flooring, observing peoples' body language and rearranging whatever was in my handbag... for the 3rd time.

After awhile 32 minutes doesn't feel all that long. Eventually i find myself drifting along with the herd. All walking briskly towards the escalators... Exit E? or H? Like sheep, one right after another we disperse and part our ways.

Before i know it i'm in Popular bookstore, Borders and Kinokuniya fondling the paperbacks. There's something i like about crispy new books that don't have their spine bent. I find it almost sacrilegious to completely bend the cover so it kisses the back. I like the spines in perfect condition before and after my purchase. I have know idea why.

I wasn't looking for anything in particular but i browsed through a range of topics that were of interest; Self-Help, Cooking, Design, Travel, Astrology and Erotica.

Often i'll read a chapter or two in the store and then think, oh this is interesting, only to then get home to read a few more chapters and next thing i know my mind has wandered off and it isn't at all what i had thought the book would be about. I guess it's like those skinny mirrors in department stores, somehow the lighting, the angle or maybe the density of recycled air-conditioning somehow distorts ones perception. And then the minute you see yourself in your new purchase outdoors in real life, it's not at all what you had seen staring back at you in the changing room.

Hmmm...

ANYWAY, i don't know what it is but it's rare for me to find a book that really tickles my fancy. Or shall i say one that i will read till the end. I know that sounds very air-head-ish but like bad reception my concentration weakens the further i get into it. And without warning i find myself starting a new chapter from some other book.

ADD? I don't think so. Maybe i should just stick to short stories.

Learning to Breathe...

I'm looking forward to the weekend purely because i can sleep in. I have 6 more working days left until i will be officially job-less. And since my uni days have been long gone, my longest stretch of holiday has been less than 2 weeks and all i want to do at this moment in time... is NOTHING.

This is my one chance to take advantage of a proper time out, rejuvenate and collect my thoughts... be a better person and revive my being. Oh gawd, is this what happens when people start maturing and thinking about their future? If i don't take care of myself, who else will? With 50 years or more left on my expectancy chart, i might as well start somewhere.

I've even pushed myself to continue with Kundalini Yoga weekly. My initial thoughts before joining were, oOOooh gawd! I'm going to turn into one of those Yoga Bitches. Have muscular arms like Madonna and then turn into some space cadet and slur my speech by a few decibels just cause i can. But looking at me now, i don't think there has been that much of a difference in my physical appearance. All in all, i'd say it's a good escape from all the shit that stirs around me.

BUT i have to admit my NO SMOKING rule has been broken... slightly.

Yes, YES, i know... you're probably thinking, Chrissie, but you were doing so well! Why the hell did you succumb to the pressure of stress and old habits?

I have a valid explanation [more like a lame arse excuse] but I figured by denying myself of such evils, it will only push me to crave it more and then who knows what might happen. So... i am limiting myself to a maximum of 3 per day and should i DECIDE that polluting my lungs is the way to go then so be it. Actually, i think i'm doing a pretty damn good job considering the circumstances. Plus it helps that the exchange rate of 2.3 makes quitting so much more attractive.

And not because i'm on the road to a nunnery or spiritual awakening but this new lifestyle change means i've even cut down on my alcohol consumption. At last i can remember my weekends better, reduced the number of blackouts and as a result my brain doesn't hurt AS much when i miss my doses.

I believe i deserve a shiny, gold star!

S to the T to the RESSED

Uh OH!!!

It's Monday and with it has brought in a sudden avalanche of work and accompanied with an absurd timeline. It's moments like these that i wish i had a brainless job that required very little effort.

And because i can, i will whinge about what's stressing me out. My first internal review is on Wednesday... yes 2 days from now! Fortunately for me i am forced to welcome Stress with uninviting arms. Seriously just thinking about it makes my head hurt.

I reckon it'll be an early start tomorrow and foresee an all-nighter if i don't get it all sorted in time.

Minutes after i left the meeting it suddenly dawned on me the laundry list of items i need to get done. I'll admit and say i'm slightly freaking out and feeling the pressure build as every second ticks by.

And for the first time in weeks, i was [T H I S] close to lighting up a cigarette!!!
.
.
.
But i didn't *sighs*

Suddenly, my Will power is dipping down a notch and i can feel my heart wanting to make a run for it. Blame it on work! As much as i keep telling myself it's a case of Mind over Matter, i'm thinking this added deprivation ain't helping at all!

*Prays for some inspiration to spontaneously infect her brain over night*

Cold turkey but not quite.

Go suck on a Chupa Chup!

I'm proud to say that i've survived not having a cigarette for 10 days. But i have one piece of nicotine laced gum left and i'm trying to see how long i can go without it. I'm trying to rearrange my lifestyle which i'm hoping will allow me to improve and eventually save money. [Not sure how that's working but if there's a will, there's a way].

Uh oh
.
.
.
I can feel myself eye-ing my emergency sticks BUT don't worry, i also find myself turning elsewhere.

Bonus is, i find myself carrying less items nowadays, only problem is i constantly feel as if i've left something behind. And spend ages worrying that i've misplaced something. Yes i know that's why there's handbags but sometimes, carrying a bag is such a pain in the arse.

As for the cravings, well they're still there and i've noticed a slight dip in my concentration. But then again with the additional factors playing a vital role, no wonder i'm distracted. I'm not quite agitated but i do find myself in need to be doing something to keep me occupied. There are no serious mood swings. [Yay for those around me]. However, i have noticed a slight dull headache but i think dehydration could be the culprit and a missed dosage.

So yea... so far so good. *thinks happy thoughts*

My only worry is the upcoming R5 over the weekend. It's almost second nature to my existence to suck down a beer and have a lit cigarette held between my index and middle finger.

I. MUST. CONQUER. THIS. ADDICTION + I MUST NOT THINK TOO MUCH!

NOTE TO ONESELF: MUST remember to pack a shit load of gum and chupa chups.

Habits vs. Health vs. Willpower

No thanks to my absent-mindedness and typical last minute ordeals, i forgot to pack my meds. I *thought* i put them in my bag but i'm guessing with the rat incident and running around like a lost chicken on Friday it slipped my mind.

So once Sunday came around my brain was starting to hurt [it was that squeezing effect that i can't tolerate and i already missed one dose] so i went through my bags to find that my nightmare was a reality. I rushed to the nearby doctor to get a prescription and after an hour and paying a consultation fee that was all of 5 minutes worth and requesting for 5 pills i didn't care, i simply rushed to the pharmacy eager to wave the piece of paper in front of the pharmacist.

Within the hour, the evil symptoms were gone and i was able to get on with my day as normal.

But whilst waiting my turn at the pharmacy i saw a leaflet for Nicotinell. A chewing gum which helps dampen nicotine craving. Yes, believe it or not as of Saturday 13 October i've decided to quit smoking!

*gasps*

A habit i've supported for 14 years. The last time i attempted this was during my uni days and i only lasted 5 days. After which i caved and the stress from uni work became too much and i felt the BITCH in me was unleashed.

And although it's only been 2 days, i'm happy to say i've only shared 2 cigarettes with my mom and have only inhaled a small amount of second hand smoke. So i think i'm doing well.

*pats her own back*

The quit smoking gum tastes like mint and apparently releases small amounts of nicotine. At the start it does taste a bit strange and like an instant shot to the brain it miraculously calms me down. But seeing that i'm not in my every day environment and i'm not accompanied with a night full of booze, i'm not sure how i will react. I guess i'll just have to wait till i get to that hurdle.

Proof that there's no harm in trying.

Mmmm ain't that a beauty!
Thanks to deerparkfamilydoctors.com

Always last minute and in need of a revamp

Thanks to an impromptu drinks with work mates last night, not only did i forget to have dinner again but i managed to cut my finger whilst unlocking the door of the bathroom.

And because my attention span can be as erratic as a house fly, i got sucked into checking my bloody facebook account for the kejillionth time when i got home. And in my post midnight glory i thought it was a fantastic idea to play online scrabble with my sister who lives in Germany.

Why? I have no idea. Needless to say that the game lasted just a few rounds.

One of the beauties of hibernation and not having anyone nag me to put away my clothes means that my couch has temporarily converted itself into a display unit for my clean clothes and makes packing a helluva lot easier since most items are at arms reach.

As most hoarders will admit, their one issue is they have problems with getting rid of things. I'm not sure if it's the sentimental value that comes with each item or that i'm just plain lazy to sort my stuff out. Possibly the latter. But i'm trying to wean myself off dressing like a boy. Have even tried to dress slightly more mature. I realised the whole "i just left high school" look was having very little effect in attracting potentials.

Finally, i'm taking little steps in trying to sort myself out. Call me Selfish but at the end of the day... nobody likes to be unhappy.