The search continues

I think it's about 8 degrees celcius outside and the sun hasn't come out to play.

It's been raining most of the night and the ground is still wet. It's quite an experience having to rug up each time i want to have a cigarette downstairs. Most of the time i'm wrapped up like a cocoon decked out in my feather down coat, scarf, long sleeve top and sweater when i'm outside. But i must say my indoor booties that i got are like my second layer of skin... i love them!

But when i'm not watching t.v in German and MTV gets a bit mind numbing, i do manage to get by my day quite nicely. There's either dishes to wash, sites to browse, apartments to look at or random sight-seeing to do. Although i haven't got into the German yet, i will have to start language classes in order for me to get through my days without a chaperon. Uh-oh... classes start on April 7th!

Anyway, yesterday Boobers and i went apartment hunting. The one place that had potential ended up being a total No-No. Although the front for the building was beautiful and the interior of the common area was great, the inside wasn't. It was one of those historic heritage type buildings. Our appointment was at 5pm and although we were early, there was already a crowd of interested parties loitering around outside. There must have been about 20 people all smooshed into the 65 metre squared flat and got a tad too claustophobic. Not sure how the noise from the train tracks would be as time went on but we said we're keeping our options open.

We wondered why they didn't take a photograph of the bathroom and now we know.

It was very narrow and i reckon if you sat on the loo, ones' knees could possibly kiss the wall. The shower was very small too and unless you were a midget or anorexic, chances are you'd find it doable. But it definitely was not something that either my sister nor i could deal with in the long run. I had planned to take photos but there were way too many people in there and there would be no point.

So NEXT!

Tomorrow we're looking at another flat so i'm keeping my fingers crossed! The description sounds nice and hopefully i can take photos. Anyway, i gotta get ready soon, i'm off to the supermarket... we're running out of food!

Day 1-3

A proper write up will be done later but here are some photos to keep you company...

13 hours later

All that i came with

Welcome flowers + bubbly + wine... Thanks Bunny!

A sunny moment by the Rheine, Bonn

Kiki kaka begins

Have you seen my "Ding Dong"?

Beethoven's birth place in Bonn

Late lunch at Bell's + 0.5 litre in-house beer

Strollin' down Ahrweiler

Yummy brekkie with fresh rolls, cold cuts + cheese... mmmm.

Stepping onto a new territory

Just a quick note to say i have arrived safe and sound. I had no problem asking for help and along the way met random travelers. Some were nice enough to help me with my 32kg suitcase up on to my cart when it looked like i was going to burst a vessel from carrying it around and about and on to the train.

Travelers 101 will say, Never trust a stranger with your belongings.

I guess i broke that since only half an hour from meeting him and both of us getting lost trying to find the train but it was nice that i wasn't doing it alone. I ended up stressing because i wasn't sure if my ticket i was issued was a valid boarding pass. And i only had half an hour to haul arse up the numerous escalators and round the bend to the ticket counter.

So Micheal, the guy that worked as some expert for putting together some "Switch" - i didn't get that far as asking him to go into much detail. But in my second of panic, he passed me his bulky Seiko watch and said to take it and run back to check the ticket and ask the lady just incase. And reassured me that when i return, i'd be sure that my luggage will still be here since he'd wait for me.

I ran so fast up them escalators, i was winded and started to break a sweat.

I guess my gut was right and said he WAS trustworthy cause i came back and he was waiting with his backpack and my mountain of luggage and bags. Yes, that was daring of me probably stupid but oh weel. Although there's no way i would have been able to push the trolley and balance it on the number of escalators AND make it on time to the platform before risking seeing the train depart. And then i'd cry.

Well i didn't end up needing another ticket. It was all too confusing but i made it and J met me at the destination on platform 5 with a bunch of flowers and bubbly... awwwww.

Overall i'll say it's a tad overwhelming and i'm a bit like a stunned mullet. Because apart from the random moments that Boo and J speak English, i don't understand what anyone is saying. But there has been some great moments. I must say the air smells sweet and walking around has been great.

But it's too early too tell... will have to get back to you on that. So far so good.

Had a great day with Boobers and J in Bonn. I took a few photos but have yet to take them off my camera. It's been a VERY long day since i only managed to sleep a few hours on the plane and have been drinking coffee to stay awake.

*Checks time* 11:20pm in Germany equals 6:20am back there... damn. I should sleep... got a bunch of things to do tomorrow!

Less than 24 hours to go

For the past few days my appetite has gone out of the window. I've been so tired lately, i even stayed in bed til 3.30pm today. I missed dinner last night, breakfast and lunch. And then i got all emotional then decided it was best that i go back into bed. I didn't leave my room til 7pm and that was only because i had to pick up my pair of Timberlands from the shoe repair store.

I think it's the nerves because this afternoon i suddenly found myself almost hyperventilating. The fear of the unknown is overwhelming. Emotions are definitely running high in this household. The stress of money, me having to find a job, moving away, being in the cold, in a new environment, all of the above has been starting to give me chest pains. I woke up today and i just wanted to shut the world away.

The anticipation of not knowing what's next still hangs in the air. It doesn't help that my muscles are all tense and it won't be long until i'm cooped up on a plane.

I know it's stupid but the very fact that i have to take a train to the next city when i arrive on my own out of the airport is freaking me out. It's dumb! I mean everybody does it. It's not like i've never traveled before and i take public transport everywhere. For fucks sake woman, get yourself together! It's moments like these i wish i could slap myself.

Suddenly stepping on a new territory is totally freaking me out!

Could it be my GAD talking? I thought i had it under control. Isn't that what i have my meds for? I'm considering popping a Xanax just to calm me down. The excessive worrying is eating away at my brain and i just want to hide in a corner and cry. I wouldn't be lying if i said, i'm actually really scared and all i want to do is throw up.

J sent me an email after we spoke this morning to tell me what platform to go on just in case i forgot. Which in my case, is highly likely. I've imprinted the number on the inner wall of my brain anyway. Train 616.

He even tried to reassure me my nerves were just normal and that everything would be fine. But somehow that didn't quite convince me and i could feel myself becoming really anxious. He then tried to get me to say ONE word in German, which wasn't a huge deal since it was the name of the city but i told him i couldn't but i'm sure if i opened my mouth i could. I said it under my breath. He didn't hear me but i insisted that i didn't want to. And like a little child i pleaded to him, "Don't laugh at me. Not now... please stop!"

And for some reason i felt like a real idiot.

Sometimes i hear this voice in my head and it sounds like Nelson from the Simpsons and he screams, "HA, HA!" I even have visions of evil strangers coming up to me pointing and looking at me with disgust. All i want to do is bury myself into my pillow and smother myself.

Breathe. Just breathe.

+10kg

I'm still packing and at the rate that i'm going i'm sure it won't be long until it starts bursting at the seams! No, no, no... i MUST think positive. I must imagine: my Hercules arms WILL be able to lift my suitcase off the luggage carousel and i will not fall face first.

Dear Goddesses/Lord/fine divine beings out there/Above & Beyond,

please allow my suitcase to arrive undamaged and in one piece and please refrain me from stuffing last minute crap in there! And please let me not forget anything necessary like my meds, iPod, battery charger or anything that requires me to function properly in the 48 hours of my arrival.

Much love,
Chrissie... xox

Uh-oh... according to the home weighing scale my suitcase is already 10kg over weight! I don't know whether i should be emo, stressed, throw-up or pass out!

Seriously, oh my gawd... 2 more sleeps to go!!! Be right back...

Planes, Trains and Automobiles

I apologise for my absense but my life has some how picked up a notch unexpectedly and my days of lounging around in bed til the late afternoons seem long gone. Although today was a bit of an exception. After a short conversation with Boobers, i decided i was too tired to even make it into the shower. I then switched off the water heater.

"5 minutes", is all i needed for a short snooze is what i said. "Yea right!" was the answer i got. The last time i begged for a nap and said 5 minutes i ended up multipling it by 10. So i thought if i lay across my bed and not tuck myself under the duvet i wouldn't be as comfortable and in turn would not pass out. Who was i kidding? If i wanted to i'm sure i'd be able to catch 40 winks standing up.

So my day to do errands has been cut by a day. Never mind, i think i needed that extra sleep. I often don't get to bed til 4 or so in the morning, doing what, i have no idea.

But because my room isn't so big, i've taken up part of the hallway outside to line up my suitcases and preventing me from leapfrogging over things. And so i've spent most of my afternoon distributing items into 3 piles; 1] What i'll check-in. 2] What i'll bring on board with me 3] What i THINK i need in a few weeks time and then the items can be couriered over.

I'll be honest and say it hasn't REALLY sunk in that i'm leaving. Maybe because the last few months i've tried to mentally sever the umbilicord that keeps me attached that it doesn't feel so much of a departure. I mean i already said farewell to my KL mates in December and it's not like i speak to them every day anyway. It's obvious that times have changed and i guess i could mourn over that but there really is no point. And unless i mentioned me leaving in a MSN conversation or they happen to read this blog/have caught on to my facebook status notifications, chances are they don't even know. Or maybe they don't really give a shit. I dunno.

But i received a surprise phone call from Nugget today and i was SO happy to hear from her. I know she stalks this blog... *waves to her Albino Nugget.* I had planned to go to her wedding in July but due to my sudden departure i had to apologise that i wouldn't be there. It actually made me sad and then it hit me.

Damn. Oh well, that's life! Movin' on...

One minute i'm totally excited that i'm going away. Another part of me, doesn't even realise what is goin' on and i've just been swept away by the chaos. Then some moments i'm freaking out that i'm going to be in a new environment; 2 years earlier than anticipated.

But i'm trying to push the negatives aside. They say if you think positive and imagine yourself immersed in the environment and already achieving your goals, it is likely to happen.

So in that case i'm NOW imagining myself bright eyed and bushy tailed after a 13-hour flight. No puffiness and no dry skin and of course smelling fabulous. I will be me in my 3-in-1 feather down black coat minus that funky new smell that clothing has when you first buy it. And there i'll be lifting my trusty 10-year old Pierre Cardin suitcase; large enough to fit an adolescent off the conveyor belt with complete ease. Then because i'll also have 2 hours to kill before i have to catch a 56-minute long train ride to where J will be waiting patiently and eager to carry my luggage. And of course, he'll greet me with loving arms and kiss me passionately at the train platform before we drive to my sister's place an hour or so away.

But before all that happens i'll be able to a] stretch my legs b] watch strangers go by c] have a smoke d] then take a moment before the sun even rises and breath in some, possibly minus degrees celcius, air. Then finally say, Oh my fucking gawd... i'm here! without looking lost like someone from an Asian mail order bride catalog or a fish out of water.

Oh my gawd... 4 more sleeps to go!

It's official...

*sings* I'm leeeeeaving on a jet plane... i don't know when i'll be back again...

Oh my! Thank gawd the Tight Pants and Nighties era is over... LOL

It's a bit nippy...

From an outsiders point of view it would look like my headphones and mic are now a permanent fixture to my head. All i'm missing is Madonna's pointy bra! But for the past few hours i've my sister has been busy looking at cheaper flight options. So far Qantas is looking pretty good. Although there is a Travel Fair coming up on the 22nd, i'm not too sure how great the offers will be. Totally unappropriate but all i can think about is getting me a pair of these booties!

But in all seriousness, i'm now looking at job availabilities even before i arrive. Obviously, majority of the sites are in German which makes it a WEE bit challenging but thanks to Boobers, she's helping me translate and in exchange i get to drop random nothings across skype to keep her company.

I'm starting to laugh at really stupid things and i'm having trouble stringing sentences together. I should really go to bed. I WAS going to call J since he's back from work now but because i'm a dumb ass and didn't check earlier, i now know i have NO more available credit to make any IDD calls.

DAMN IT! I'll write later at a more decent hour.

The wheels are turnin'

Yesterday i was running on reserve energy and had to inhale coffee just to keep me functioning. Whilst pushing the trolley through the supermarket all i could think about was tucking myself in between the iceberg lettuce and cabbage. But i made it home in time to draw the curtains and pass out. A free airline mask that i found came in handy to block any sunlight creeping into my room.

The reality of me heading to Europe is becoming clearer each day. And already i'm browsing at companies online but of course, being IN the country helps as it will give me more of a feel of the place and only then will i be able to gauge my comfort level. I'm looking at a 3-month window to start off with and then i'll take it from there. Besides my main reason for being there, the question i have to keep asking is, will i like it there enough to be there on a permanent basis?

On one hand, living out of a suitcase in a foreign land means being very selective as to what i bring. Which can be a slight issue since i have a habit of over packing just because i am indecisive. But unlike any previous trip where one would plan for a 10 day journey, mine doesn't seem to have an immediate deadline which i can imagine many would love to be in my position. But the truth is there are so many complications and considerations that have to be taken into account. Money obviously being a HUGE factor since the exchange rate is not in our favor, so planning is essential!

But i can't help that my mind continues to circulate around the 22 kg maximum check-in limit. But then again that really isn't so much of an issue because there's more to life than what i can cram in a bag and i have more urgent matters to look into.

So yea, yesterday i ended up buying a Basic German Course book... oh gawd! I figured the 6 CDs that it came with would at least keep me occupied and prepare me for a land of foreign words. Maybe the lack of sleep yesterday discouraged me and before i even popped in the CD i already felt defeated. I'll be honest and say i've gone as far as ripping the plastic wrap off but i've progressed by flipping through the pages. NO! I'm NOT giving up, i'm SLOWLY getting into it. I'll get over my fears! I MUST BE POSITIVE DAMN IT!

Tomorrow my folks and i will sit down and try to iron out what options there are for me to getting my arse to that side of the world. So right now, i'm in the process of writing in point form what i have to say because i'm sure i'll forget something. I foresee MANY questions pop up as to what my intentions are once i'm there. But i must remember to stay calm and remain open to whatever we all decide. My sister and i are already looking at various solutions and are in constant contact with one another most of our waking hours... so that's encouraging. Thank gawd for Skype!

So really, as of this very moment, things are looking VERY interesting and MORE positive. And my list of Must Do's before my departure continues to grow...

Another Domino effect

Without sounding like a cheap knock off of Forest Gump, i'd like to think that Life is like a series of tornados. With it comes a whirlwind of chaos but it's how one deals with the aftermath that determines the effect of the damage.

Well let's just say the past 48 hours has come and gone but within that time frame so much has happened! It's like some twisted act of fate that my life is now steering in a new direction but i'll fast forward to the relevant parts which makes more sense. So yea, i'll cut to the chase...

Basically, i'll be heading to Germany VERY soon as there is a family emergency that requires me to be with my sister for as long as she needs me. Although the circumstances of me going are not exactly one that wishes upon anyone, it's one that will possibly be the start of bigger changes to come. But i'm really looking forward to seeing her anyway.

Fortunately, in my case i get to thank my slight procrastination and no-urgency-to-find-work attitude in the concrete jungle which has allowed me to go overseas without worrying that i have work commitments to come back to. And seeing that i hadn't applied directly to any companies means i'm not held down to any interviews.

Which leaves me an indefinite time frame that i can stay in Europe, should i choose to!

It helps that i hold an E.U passport and i don't have to worry about a dreaded work visa issue. Something that currently plagues my thoughts each time i apply for a job in Asia. Which is why i figured i should at least make an effort to look at POSSIBLY finding work there since i will be in the region. And who knows, i MAY just end up liking it and if not, then i can always check out some other neighboring country.

So i'm rounding up what little contacts i've made over the years and hope it'll give me some lead. Plus thinking about it, i'll be so much closer to J which will cut down the minimum 8 month gap that we would have had to wait till we saw one another next! And it sure beats the 7 hour time difference.

Obviously, learning some German is a must in order for me to get from A to C and in between. But seriously, the thought of a new language, culture, environment... basically EVERYTHING gets me really anxious! Having it in bold is a complete understatement. I am almost sick to my stomach with nerves, it's almost crippling. Seriously feel i need some kind of hypnotic therapy to deal with it or maybe if i just knock myself out it may jolt me back into a sane place. I NEED SOMETHING!

I lay awake thinking about all sorts of shit til 7 AM this morning. And the very thought that one decision made across the world has in fact started a domino effect, who knew it would have effected so many people in the process? Although it's too soon to know the outcome, i can't help but think maybe it's fate... my fate. And in some fucked up way, the timing couldn't be any better in terms of me getting on with my own life. Another kick in the arse perhaps and a VO screaming in my ear, "CHOP CHOP!"

Hmmm... but i also can't help but think my "When i'm 27 something is going to happen" premonition when i was 13 is still very much active. I never said it would end once the new year began. To think my journey to the other side of the world may still happen BEFORE my 28th birthday next month, is enough to say, OH MY FUCKING GAWD! I better start learning German!

Starting from scratch...

"Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.” - Maria Robinson

The return of "THE Green pills"

I spent the first day of Chinese New Year sniffing away and sneezing uncontrollably. The annual traditional vegetarian bee hoon that my mom makes on the first day of the new year, which i'm usually the one getting two or three helpings of, didn't really get me excited. All i could think of was shoving the mushrooms up my nose just so i could stop sniffling away. Although i don't think mom would be too pleased.

But i'm not sure why i was getting sick. It's not like i've been out and about and exposed myself to any virus' lately. I can't remember being sneezed on lately and i've always tried to keep my distance and i even hold my breath should someone cough or sneeze in my bubble of comfort. I go as far as waving my hand about like as though i'm shooing an invisible fly, as if that would help combat anything. But my sneezing began the day before and i thought after some wine the alcohol would do it's magic and it would disappear and i thought i would be good as new.

Little did i know that was just the beginning.

So my dad digs deep into his medicinal bag and pulls out various bags of coloured tablets. I'm sure any drug abuser would have a field day since there were all sorts of left over capsules and tablets to chose from - all of which are legal mind you. Then like a prized possession he hands me a slab of green pills.

Are those THE green pills? I asked enthusiastically. Apparently the pharmacist that my dad went to didn't get the memo that these have been taken off the market. I'm sure i've written about them in a previous post. Somehow they found some ingredient in it that isn't so good so they banned it.

But it's the ONLY thing that seems to work! They say it's good for colds, flus, aches and pains... basically any sign of wear and tear on your system these gifts from the medicinal gods can cure. Well that's what i like to believe. The size of a 5 cent coin and an over sized lozenge, this toxic coloured neon green tablet has a crown emblem debossed on one surface and a score mark on the other - one can only assume they're in it for some serious business!

Febricol. Revised Formula is printed on the blister back and it lists 3 of the main ingredients. As long as they do its job i don't really care what's in them or how ridiculously long their names are.

I was only going to take 1 since it wasn't like i was on my death bed. I could still function but then i was encouraged to take 2. Why not? It's not like i was going anywhere. And it wasn't long until i found myself on my bed. That schit knocks you out! Drowsy as all hell with what felt like a weight attached to my skull, i stumbled in and out of sleep fighting to stay awake.

But i did manage to crawl out of bed to watch some t.v but my eyes could barely stay open. So back into bed i went minus dinner and feeling pathetic. I woke up several times unsure what time it was or even what day it had turned into.

Then it was around 9 in the morning when i received a surprise phone call from J.

But because of the time difference and that he's been sick all week, i've managed to speak to him at a more godly hour. But he had just woken up from his nap and it was really nice to hear his voice since i hadn't spoken to him during the day. And after an hour of chatting of god-knows-what i realised that always starts my day off really well. So now he's gone back to bed because he has work to go to in a few hours, as for me, well i figured i had enough of my bed and decided to greet the morning - something that i haven't done for awhile.

And i must say, it was a nice change to hear the morning birds and see the first rays. I feel so rested... it's fabulous! Yes, it feels great to not hear the echo of a running nose followed by a stuffed head. Oh i'm so stealing the extra strip for those just-in-case days!

Love and Loyalty

Here's an excerpt from one of the new additions to my library; OSHO: Intimacy: Trusting Oneself and the Other. I bought it yesterday at Kinokuniya and i can't seem to put it down. I find it really interesting and all together enriching to look at life from a whole new perspective. It sure beats running around in circles and spending money uncontrollably - which i don't really do anyway. Don't worry i'm not going to preach, neither am i going to insist that the teachings are my new way of life.

There were many other sections that i found just as interesting but then that would mean i'd be sitting here all night typing out the whole book and to be honest, i have better things to do then practice my typing skills.

This particular section pays attention to False values and the more i think about it, it actually makes sense, one just has to be open.;

Love is a dangerous experience because you are possessed by something that is bigger than you. And it is not controllable; you cannot produce it on order. Once it is gone, there is no way to bring it back. All that you can do is pretend, be a hypocrite.

Loyalty is a totally different matter. It is manufactured by your own mind, it is not something beyond you. It is a training in a particular culture, just like any other training. You start acting, and by and by you start believing your own acting. Loyalty demands that you should always, in life or in death, be devoted to the person whether you heart is willing for it or not. It is a psychological way of enslavement.

Love brings freedom. Loyalty brings slavery. On the surface they look alike; deep down, they are just the opposite diametrically opposite. Loyalty is acting; you have been educated for it. Love is wild; its whole beauty is in its wildness. It comes like a breeze with great fragrance, fills your heart, and suddenly where there was a desert there is a garden full of flowers. [p.93]

If you're wondering how does this passage have any relation to the eve of Chinese New Year? Well it doesn't. I just felt like sharing. What you make out of it is up to you. And if those words brought some sense then Well Done! Now you can go on your merry way! If not, well at least it got your brain ticking.

Oh and before i forget, to my silent readers who are celebrating Chinese New Year this year, here's hoping it brings with it better times, love, luck, happiness and good fortune!

DID YOU KNOW: A Rat Year is a time of hard work, activity, and renewal. This is a good year to begin a new job, get married, launch a product or make a fresh start. Ventures begun now may not yield fast returns, but opportunities will come for people who are well prepared and resourceful. The best way for you to succeed is to be patient, let things develop slowly, and make the most of every opening you can find. [source]

Freudian Inventory Test

What better way to consume time than to do online tests. I found the Freudian Inventory Test rather interesting to say the least although not surprised here are my results;

Oral (56%, dependence) you appear to have a good balance of independence and interdependence knowing when to accept help and when to do things on your own.

Anal (20%, self control) you appear to be overly lacking in self control and organization, and possibly have a compulsive need to defy authority. If you are too scatterbrained, you will not develop much as a person as you will habitually switch paths before you ever learn anything.

Phallic (76%, sexuality) you appear to have issues with controlling your sexual desires and possibly fidelity.

Latency (63%, learning) you appear to be afraid or averse to present or future real world responsibilities, this will only make your inevitable transition more difficult, so learn to deal with the real world.

Genital (26%, productivity) you appear to have a conventional, closeminded, and regressive outlook on life. Change is an inevitable and positive part of life, learn to contribute to it, not fear it or oppose it.

Now that i think about it, it's pretty damn accurate. Seriously, i find this kinda schit fascinating!

Is it Time yet?

I did it. I pressed SEND and there's no turning back.

Now all i have to do is sit patiently and wait for the headhunters to do their job. I'm not so much in a hurry since i'm quite enjoying this REST period. Chinese New Year is coming up so chances are everyone is gearing up for the holiday spirit and preparing their guts to be over fed.

Me? Well every day seems to blend into one. If it weren't for the window in front, i would still think it was last week. I sleep at odd times of the morning then i wake up before sunrise to swap a few stories and expose some emotions over the phone then crawl back into bed to join hands with my subconscious for a few more hours. Then as Tea time approaches i'm back behind the screen reading various articles and stimulating my visual senses. But often my bad posture forces me to sprawl across my bed, tunes continue to whisper from from my Sensational Speakers as i attempt to scratch through the pages of my recent purchase; More, Now, Again.

It keeps me occupied. Words keep me company.

I don't know when i'll have this much time off, so my sleep is very much welcomed. It's like when you find yourself in an awkward pose lying on your bed but strangely it's so damn comfortable [never mind that later you'll end up twisting a muscle] but you're wishing you could bottle the feeling up and stash it on the shelf for those days when you need it most... when you crave Comfort.

Well that's how i feel about Sleep, it's like a love-hate relationship. We're like best friends whereas before we were sworn enemies.

And yes, i am not ashamed to say my canary colored Made In Frankfurt t-shirt and hot pink Paul Frank shorts have become like a uniform and like an addict, i just can't seem to get enough.

Back in Black 2008

:: HS is back ::

Tonight's the night... the night many of us have been waiting for, the return of Hardsequence. This time they're back in black and eager to put on a show. Here's hoping the night is a huge success for them and it brings in the same growing dedication that was present once upon a time.

Sadly, this will be my first HS night that i will not be present.

I will not be standing by the door checking off the guest list, neither will i welcome familiar faces and hug randoms. I will not have my chilled beer beside me and neither will i join in mindless chatter to buy time.

I'll be honest and say there's a mix of emotions on my side. I even spent the last few days questioning whether or not my presence was needed. Would my attendance be expected seeing that i had never let them down? I'm still not sure but the show must go on. But i figured with the upcoming holiday and the roads being completely packed, i didn't think it was wise to travel... for some reason, i had an eerie feeling. I'm not sure why.

I can almost predict what the night would entail; a dozen or more drinks guzzled down, a depleted camera battery, tunes that would hope to bring me back to the days that i felt carefree and probably even a last minute after-party with those same faces. Only difference would be later i'd have to take part in a solo journey back to the concrete jungle.

But if i look back at the last 2 and a half years, it was an enriching journey that taught me so much. I saw what friendship could do, dedication and love. It allowed me to meet various people from all walks of life, many of which were much younger and eager to be part of something. I believe it gave some individuals a purpose and although it may sound obsessive, there was a selfless loyalty in many. And although i speak for myself here, i am grateful and appreciative to those who stuck by. It's nice to be considered and be taken noticed rather than be just a number, a blank face in the crowd... i like to think we're all in it together.

Perhaps deep down inside i've always had a yearning to belong when in reality i couldn't be any different from any of you. Maybe that's how cults begin. So instead, i found much satisfaction in seeing each night succeed by documenting the night with 100s of images, where i'd hide behind the lens to disguise my own discomfort but really because i want to one day look back and remember only those happy faces and not necessarily what plagued my thoughts.

True Joy is nearly impossible to fake.

Each person in the HS crew had their part. No matter how big or small and although i was not in the forefront, it didn't matter, seeing it all unfold and seeing the smiles that it brought to the punters and amongst ourselves was enough to make all the anxiety and stress worth while.

Even to the extent where my own existence very much evolved around being their Pimpstress. My career came second and my own health was not even so much in the equation. I didn't care. It was very much about us... about Hardsequence. It was all for the love of the music but more importantly, it was for them... my boys. As it always has been.

But alas, the tables have turned and now it's only fair that i attend to some personal matters. I wish you boys luck, although i'm sure it's not needed and i'm certain our paths will cross again.

Much love & summersaults,
Your Pimpstress... xox

:: 11 Feb 2006 ~ HS & friends @ SAX ::

Surely that ain't right

2 months. That's how long i've been on a break for and although there are moments - very few mind you, when i think i wouldn't mind jumping back into the rat race, the feeling doesn't last. But then like a slap to the face, i retreat back into my safety zone and think, no i'm not ready... not just yet. I don't think it's procrastination, it's more like the desire is not quite there... yet. I say "yet" because i like to think there is some optimism left and i am ridding myself of a long chapter and finally turning the page.

Which perhaps works in unison with my mood swings that unfortunately continue to be erratic. Can i blame my hormones?

But i am taking full advantage of this time being alone. In fact, i quite like it. I've gone as far as secluding myself from the outside world just because i can and "my world" feels much more safer - no raised voices, no complications, no misunderstandings, no conflict and no rules. I'm not sure if that's smart but i much prefer to keep the peace. Those thoughts of course, keep repeating itself like a broken record. But the tune is rather melodic and i'm sure soon enough they will blend in the back ground like white noise.

Perhaps it's not so obvious to those who do not know but my anti-social level has gone up by a few notches since i've moved down South... i have no idea why or maybe i do know but i'm still in denial - i still haven't figured that part out. I think i can be a rather sociable person but of late, i have no desire to try. It's easier to put it on Silent mode and deal with it at a more convenient time.

I look back to the time when i had no objection of injecting myself into circles where foreign words would float around me freely like a parasite. I found it easier to smile than to fight back. Often feeling alienated came part in parcel but yet i could never find the courage to speak out. I think i disguised my discomfort quite well but then i think, to who's benefit was that for? Hmmm... don't get me wrong, there were many great times but i find it harder to forget those moments that made an impact.

And it was only when i returned to my sanctuary did sense find its way back and once again, would be forgotten/forgiven until of course there would be a next time and i'd find myself back where i started. A vicious circle, knowing very well what the outcome would be and how i'd feel.

Was it worth it? Well let's just say i have no regrets. But it sure put me back into my space.


Roads - Portishead