''Some challenging aspects from Pluto suggest that there might be a clash of personalities at work or in school! The moon in fiery Leo will be at odds with your watery sign for a large part of the day. If someone is being a little too in-your-face then remember this is just their way!''[source]
I refuse to make a big deal about it. In fact, i'm going to ignore the message you sent because i know you're upset and emotional right now. But because I AM YOUR FRIEND[whether you like it or not] i'm going to let you roll with your emotions and be the drama queen that you have become and we all know and love.
And in true Chrissie fish fashion, i'll have the last say...
Don't worry, i won't be around after next week to "jinx" your life or predict any unfavorable events... and yes, i'll try and keep my mouth shut and not give you anymore advice/suggestions [which obviously is not welcomed]. So here's me wishing you, good luck and sending you positive vibes!
Apparently i'm leaving on the 9th. Yup, that's sooner than i had thought, in fact it's next weekend! For some reason saying, "next weekend" seems so much closer now that i have it on repeat.
My last day at work is on Friday. And i've only started to pack up my things from my desk, half of which are in boxes and the rest sprawled across my table as if someone's ransacked my table in a hurry. It's been described as a 7-11, a one-stop shop where you can find practically everything! Seriously, i'm sure you can find most things. Let's see, amongst my sea of crap and wasted trees... there are sensual massage oils [don't ask! And NO, there was nothing kinky going on =p], vitamins/legal drugs in one corner, a Heineken beer bottle cooler jacket and even a jar of soya bean mix in the other [or how my creative director likes to call, Carcass Beans; but that's a whole different story]. And that's not even covering what's in the drawers!
I will admit, there is no order in my packing or in my life for that matter. So far, design books are grouped together with photographs and loose pens are coupled with miniature toys that i've collected over time [yes i know, another surface to collect dust on and will probably not see the day of light until months to come].
...
So yea, i went to see Satan's spawn this morning. I skipped breakfast just so i could get my arse on the train on time and then spend extra time with him and still be able to make it to work on time. Every time i return to my apartment, i am forced to walk up the stairs and pass the unit where the murder had "apparently" taken place. My wilted bouquet of flowers remain untouched and beside it the burnt out candle. The ripped yellow "NO CROSSING" tape hangs beside the door like decoration and the tiles leading up to the door has a layer of dirt and is littered with leaves. It seems as if the owner has opened the windows and the glass shutters to air out the place. One has a clear view of the interior of the kitchen. Nothing seems to be cleared except the cupboards are wide open and there's an eery silence that hovers in the air.
I fear that one day i will walk up those stairs and the front door will be wide open. I guess i've been so used to coming home and seeing their front door wide open, allowing outsiders to have a sneak peak at what the living room looks like. I blame the Pisces in me and my overactive imagination to drive my fears. Perhaps i've seen too many C.S.I's and as a result the image of a blood stained floor with numbered markers remain in my thoughts each time i approach the apartment.
Within seconds i'm on the next floor up, steps away from my own main door. I'm welcomed by the meows of Satan Spawn and my concentration switches to him and his hungry cries. I tried to explain to him today that we're leaving. But i don't think he understood me since he was more interested in having his chin scratched. As usual he fell on his side hinting that he wanted his stomach scratched and his face lit up with joy.
I'm sure i've told you that i'm convinced he thinks he's a dog.
I lay on my couch and he snuggled up next to me and went on to telling me a lengthy story which in my opinion sounded exactly like the many stories he's told me before. I interrupted him to tell him that not only are we leaving this apartment but that due to unforeseen circumstances, i've been told that it's not a good idea that i bring him to my parents flat South of the border BUT dad being dad has found me a solution.
My dad works with this woman who already owns 2 cats and has a family of her own and they are willing to be the foster family until i eventually get a flat of my own and a job [both i do not have at this moment or have begun looking for]. Of course, i'll have visitation rights and once everything is sorted on my side, then i'll book him into quarantine and get him back. Problem is, the family doesn't live on the little concrete island down South, which means i have to cross the border each time i want to see him, which isn't all that far.
So it's not all so sad.
I just hope he behaves and knows that i haven't abandoned him... i guess i'll never know. I have to think positive.... on the bright side at least, he'll have company. But in a moment of i-feel-sorry-for-myself, not only do i have to say good-bye to Satan's spawn but i have to trust this foster family [whom i know nothing about] to care for him AND on top of that, say farewell to a life that i've become so comfortable with but have realised there's nothing left to offer me. AND THEN prepare myself for a new life/lifestyle by the time it hits 2-0-0-8.
I have come to the conclusion that my missing voice and never ending headache is the result of my allergies towards dust. [I hope] But every where i turn i'm faced with someone coughing their lungs out and spreading their germs in my path!
[NOW] is NOT the time to get sick.
I clearly remember every few years when my family had to move countries due to my father's job, i was always excused from having to pack, which worked out fine for me. But even early days when our family lived in the Middle East it was impossible to escape the fine particles of sand and that often triggered my asthmatic coughs leaving me practically blue in the face from not being able to breathe properly.
...
But since Friday my voice has become rather hoarse and resembles that of a lounge singer having sung one too many heart breaking tunes and smoked way too many cigarettes. And as drama as that sounds, it's not like i've done much. I've only shifted crap from one side of my apartment to the other, packed 3 boxes and wiped a few surfaces.
But on a lighter note, i have 4.5 days left of work *does a happy dance*
After which i will need to concentrate on doing some serious spring cleaning. The pack rat in me is dreading it. I reckon the only way i'll get through sorting out my crap is a] braving the dust with those disposable surgical masks b] have frequent fresh air intervals c] have a clear plan what i plan to do each day d] and i must remember, when in doubt, just chuck it away!
Don't worry, i'm not leaving immediately. KL hasn't gotten rid of me JUST YET. I still have until the 8th of December to vacate my apartment and a little time before my work place cancels my work permit. Anyone care to donate some empty boxes?
Somehow over the months i have managed to successfully run away from any virus infected beings. Perhaps it was pure luck that i had become immune to any yucky sicknesses but then again it was probably the flu shot that my mother insisted that i have during Christmas last year that warded them off.
Hmmm... mothers always know best...
Anyway, not long after i wrote my last post, i suddenly felt ill. You know that feeling when your head hurts and the walls of your throat feels like sandpaper. Well i wasn't feeling Top of the Pops that's for sure. My bones felt like they had been trampled on by midgets yet i was convinced it was due to the excess stretching during my yoga class. I kept reassuring myself the feeling would go away soon. Yea right!
I then decided it wasn't worth paying a ridiculous price for a sandwich that i could easily make [and would probably leave me still hungry], so i dragged myself to the nearby bakery to buy a semi-stale baguette. I then trotted along to the supermarket so i could buy a jar of mayonnaise and a head of butter lettuce. All i wanted was a simple tuna sandwich. Maybe it was my stubbornness in me that screamed i STILL want to lead a normal life even though i could easily pick up the telephone and make an order.
Deep down inside, i'm still the same ole' Chrissie, the girl with the tattoos and who dresses like she's on school vacation and has very little fashion sense.
By Friday morning, i felt Death had marched up and down my throat and i could barely recognise my voice. I woke up sounding like a man *gasps* My head felt like a paper weight and i could barely lift my head up from the pillow. I ended up calling in sick and only went as far as dragging myself out of bed just so i could put the Do Not Disturb sign on the handle.
I didn't end up getting out of bed until darkness started to fill the sky.
And now having slept throughout yesterday and now feeling a little more alive, i managed to force myself downstairs just so i could take advantage of the complimentary breakfast. And having only nibbled on a peanut butter on toast for supper last night [which is probably not the best choice of meals when one has a sore throat], i needed some form of food in my system and Marks & Spencers chocolate biscuits weren't cutting it.
So now that breakfast is being cleared and my body has been fueled, guess what i have to do today? I'm off to my abandoned apartment so i can keep my kitty company. Oh lucky me, i get to do some serious spring cleaning, pack and inhale some dust...
I'm looking forward to the weekend purely because i can sleep in. I have 6 more working days left until i will be officially job-less. And since my uni days have been long gone, my longest stretch of holiday has been less than 2 weeks and all i want to do at this moment in time... is NOTHING.
This is my one chance to take advantage of a proper time out, rejuvenate and collect my thoughts... be a better person and revive my being. Oh gawd, is this what happens when people start maturing and thinking about their future? If i don't take care of myself, who else will? With 50 years or more left on my expectancy chart, i might as well start somewhere.
I've even pushed myself to continue with Kundalini Yoga weekly. My initial thoughts before joining were, oOOooh gawd! I'm going to turn into one of those Yoga Bitches. Have muscular arms like Madonna and then turn into some space cadet and slur my speech by a few decibels just cause i can. But looking at me now, i don't think there has been that much of a difference in my physical appearance. All in all, i'd say it's a good escape from all the shit that stirs around me.
BUT i have to admit my NO SMOKING rule has been broken... slightly.
Yes, YES, i know... you're probably thinking, Chrissie, but you were doing so well! Why the hell did you succumb to the pressure of stress and old habits?
I have a valid explanation [more like a lame arse excuse] but I figured by denying myself of such evils, it will only push me to crave it more and then who knows what might happen. So... i am limiting myself to a maximum of 3 per day and should i DECIDE that polluting my lungs is the way to go then so be it. Actually, i think i'm doing a pretty damn good job considering the circumstances. Plus it helps that the exchange rate of 2.3 makes quitting so much more attractive.
And not because i'm on the road to a nunnery or spiritual awakening but this new lifestyle change means i've even cut down on my alcohol consumption. At last i can remember my weekends better, reduced the number of blackouts and as a result my brain doesn't hurt AS much when i miss my doses.
It's already midweek and i'll be honest and say there hasn't been much progress in the packing department. Apart from removing my bed sheets and taking down the photos i pasted up on the wall, everything seems to be exactly where i left it.
Satan Spawn continues to guard of my apartment whilst i am away and like a visitor in my own apartment, i visit him every other day to feed and keep him company before i get to the office.
I know he misses me. Just as i miss him and his random acts of cuteness/anger/craziness. I like to remind him [THIS] is temporary. I can't help but think he feels somewhat abandoned and rather than ripping him out of his environment and housing him in a cage for longer than required, at least he knows his surrounding and i feel content that i can visit him when i please and he's got a place to roam.
But i SO know he's going to hate me when i have to send him off to quarantine. I guess we ALL have to get used to Change in some way or another.
I'm even slowly getting used to this new routine of having to commute from one end of town to the other just so i get to the office on time. I don't own a car and somehow over the years have conveniently manged to live near my office for the sake of minimizing traveling time. It wouldn't be so bad if the public transport system was reliable in this country but because it's not, i find it a hassle and inconvenient.
But that's not the only Change in my life. I'm now even getting used to waking up before sunrise just so i could speak to my beau who lives on the other side of the world. Unfortunately, we only have spoken words to keep each other company since being physically together is not possible... just yet. So we continue to hang on to the belief that this relationship can work despite the many obstacles we face and it's through our utmost desire to be with one another that keeps 'us' together.
It's like a weird modern day fairytale.
The more that i think about it, the more i miss him and can't imagine my life without him. And with every conversation we have, it only further confirms my belief that he is The One. I only question, when will be the next time we see one another and i worry whether Time will find a way to drive us apart?
I guess i can only hang on to my Patience and force myself to believe that we will reunite one day! Deep down i believe we are meant to be with one another even though Time continues to be our enemy. But in the meantime, there's much to sort out. So by leaving this country i hope for a better life and perhaps build on a firmer foundation that's worth building upon.
If anything, i see this move as a start of a new chapter and as cheesy as it may sound, it's the beginning of the rest of my life. And yes, i truly believe Everything Happens For A Reason.
It seems like i'll be leaving sooner than anticipated.
I have roughly 3 weeks to do all the necessary. I still have an apartment to pack up before my lease runs out, one last deadline to complete, a cat to send off to quarantine, debts to settle and more than a handful of friends to notify and say farewell to.
It all feels so surreal that i'm moving countries again. My time is up and i can already feel the sadness approaching...
After a long week and an eventful yesterday i made my journey back on the train to my temporary home away from home. As usual i scrolled through my ipod so my tunes could keep me company. And before the train even left the station the music suddenly stopped half way.
At first i thought i had it on pause and after close inspection it seemed to have stalled even though the battery showed it was full. It's never happened before where i couldn't even switch it off or restart.
It seemed ironic that the song that it had decided to have a mini heart attack was Nelly Furtado's All Good Things Come To An End. And since i left the charger at the office, i let the battery drain itself until it switched off on its own.
It so happens that this one piece of equipment was my very last birthday present my ex had given to me 2 years back. Although a sentimental gift, i was more concerned that it suffered a mini heart attack and i may have lost my tunes... all 40+GB worth.
Then this afternoon when i got home i charged it and it seemed to have been given a second chance at life. And in some strange coincidence it seemed to have paused at the most appropriate song, one that seemed to have summarised my thoughts entirely.
And without getting into a lengthy explanation, i'll give you a somewhat shortened version of the past 2 weeks...
To start off there was a murder in the apartment below me which not only has given me the creeps but since then have not been able to be at home after dark. Even to the extent of staying elsewhere just so i can breathe easier and sleep soundly.
And if that's not enough to fuck me up, on top of that, the past weeks the emotional abuse at work has increased 3-fold! I'm not exaggerating. It has gotten to the point that whatever i do is never good enough... which was probably true long time back but have only JUST decided to realise it now. Why? Because i'm a dumb arse loyal dumb arse.
So yea, i've come to the conclusion that it's a chemistry thing that CANNOT be fixed. And sadly, it's no longer a professional but personal matter. I'm not the only one that sees it and it's obvious who is being bullied.
Once again my emotional state is tested and as a result my health is at risk. So my only choice was to resign. Seriously, i don't need to be yelled at for no apparent reason, treated unfairly and neither do i appreciate being spoken to rudely.
For months i've been surrounded by signs to indirectly tell me that my time here is coming to an end. So at last, i've given in and without having to go against it and let it feed on my unhappiness, i have decided to leave... Leave this country that i've spent 4 and half years at and a good portion of my teenage years growing up in.
Yes, i'm in the process of sorting my life and beginning to pack up my things. Then eventually finding refuge in the comfort on my parents place down South momentarily.
My plan is to take a break from the stress that seems to have followed me over the years and nurse myself back to tip top condition with the help of family. Then start my life again in a new environment, country code and perhaps this time out will give me a chance to look at everything from a more positive perspective.
I can only look forward to a better future because in reality, it can only get better and anything is better than [NOW]. And like a cat that has 9 lives... i will take this opportunity and embrace it with open arms in hope that in return i can wipe my slate clean.
A quick post to say that i am alive and haven't abandoned my blog... and will write more when i have time. I'm thinking tonight i'll gather my thoughts and make my announcement very soon...
I'm sure i've said this before but one of my biggest pet peeves is encountering RUDE people. I don't care how old or how wise one appears to be, it's unacceptable to be rude especially if it's uncalled for. Is it my fault i can't read minds? And even if i could, i'm sure there would be some other fault to pick on.
Seriously, i've had enough!
I'm fed up and if anything this would be one of the key reasons to drive me to an early grave. I'm sick of being yelled at and spoken to as if i'm incompetent. I don't need this extra stress and already as it is i have so much shit going on. I feel myself aging as every minute passes.
I can feel my heart beat race and my muscles are hurting. I wouldn't be surprised if my heart at any given time rips itself out of my chest, makes a beeline through the office slamming itself against the printer and jamming itself between the rollers!
SERIOUSLY . . . I WANT OUT!!! [a complete understatement]
*stares anxiously at the letter beside her dated 12 November 2007*
Sometimes all it takes is one incident/change to start the ball rolling. One person, one misfortune or one traumatic event to have everything turn upside down. Or perhaps everything was misaligned and it was just that particular thing that gave it that shove.
Well whatever it is, something... someone is looking out for me. Guarding me from keeling over and taking my last breath. I should probably count my lucky stars and even though there are so many things going on in my life right now, i am able to stay somewhat focused even though i can't see the finish line.
I sense an invisible timer in the background and the countdown begins.
I believe there are signs everywhere and the more i look into it, the more i believe that i'm making the right choice. There's so much one can take emotionally before something short circuits. I know, i was there... and as a result i swallow a pink capsule to keep my emotions in check. For how long? For as long as i need to and hopefully sooner than later.
And now if any, i look towards my health as an indicator of my progress. So after doing so well in recent weeks, i am more afraid to ever return to how things were months back. But with the amount of shit that's been thrown at me in the last few days, i've had enough... that was the last straw.
But because i seem to be a drama magnet lately, other parts of my life are affected too. And as a result the one place that i had picked as my sanctuary... my escape... is the one place i don't feel at ease and protected.
Time is speeding up and already it's been days since i've rested my head on my very own pillow.
Seriously, there is just so much to do and now is not the time to rest but i have to continuously remind myself that there is a light at the end of this tunnel. And the sooner i can get there, the better.
Apologies for my absence but the past few days has been everything but the norm. Can't really get into it so much right now except that there's so much to do and so little time.
So yea, i'll be running away for the weekend to put things into perspective...
It's Monday and with it has brought in a sudden avalanche of work and accompanied with an absurd timeline. It's moments like these that i wish i had a brainless job that required very little effort.
And because i can, i will whinge about what's stressing me out. My first internal review is on Wednesday... yes 2 days from now! Fortunately for me i am forced to welcome Stress with uninviting arms. Seriously just thinking about it makes my head hurt.
I reckon it'll be an early start tomorrow and foresee an all-nighter if i don't get it all sorted in time.
Minutes after i left the meeting it suddenly dawned on me the laundry list of items i need to get done. I'll admit and say i'm slightly freaking out and feeling the pressure build as every second ticks by.
And for the first time in weeks, i was [T H I S] close to lighting up a cigarette!!! . . . But i didn't *sighs*
Suddenly, my Will power is dipping down a notch and i can feel my heart wanting to make a run for it. Blame it on work! As much as i keep telling myself it's a case of Mind over Matter, i'm thinking this added deprivation ain't helping at all!
*Prays for some inspiration to spontaneously infect her brain over night*
I can't believe it's Sunday ALREADY! It seems like only yesterday that i was trying to figure out how i was getting my arse to Malacca. Strange how Time seems to speed up when you least expect it. The fact that it's already November makes me look back at the whole year and wonder how much i've progressed. And how grateful i am to be where i am at this moment in time.
At last i can say, i'm so looking forward to next month! I'm only hoping that once Christmas rolls in, Time will slow right down. I'm still thinking happy thoughts of 'us' and know that there are better things to come.
...
So anyway, this weekend has been very relaxing and i've spent every chance possible sleeping. Yes, i'm back to my routines. Except this afternoon i went to Ekamon's open house for a few hours and then before it started raining i made it back home and was back to vegging out in front of the computer/tv. But after speaking with my beau i decided i'd scan a few photos from my past. I had meant to do it some time back but as usual my laziness got the better of me.
So as i spend the remaining hours of my weekend reminiscing over my past, i realise how much i do really miss those times and the kinds of friendships i had back in the day... Innocent we were not...
As i was about to leave for work this morning, i had this sudden urge to scratch my feet. I'm not talking about a simple-itch-and-scratch and off you go kind of deal. I'm talking about some SERIOUS itchiness! Suddenly my toes felt like they had been attacked by some flesh eating bug!
But there's no visible skin differences. I dropped to the floor and threw off my slippers. Satan's spawn was quite confused since i had petted him good-bye just seconds before but was now on the ground scratching as if i wanted to peel my skin off. [Moments like these, i'm grateful i have long nails]. Otherwise i'm sure the sight of pliers or scissors would do the job.
At first i thought it was a few mozzie bites i got earlier but now I'm convinced it may be the result of running around barefoot at the rave in Malacca! I basically stood around in contaminated mud for a few hours and probably contracted some weird foot fungus!
Ewwww...
So all day i've been slathering my toes with Eurax; which helps relieves all sorts of itches [it's excellent for mosquito bites by the way]. Seriously, i've conducted heat from all this friction and now my toes feel bloated. But i've managed to get through the day without chopping them off, so that's good. I wish i could soak them in boiling water and not worry that i'd burn my flesh at the same time, THEN i'd be temporarily happy.
But yes should it get worse, i'm thinking a short skip to the nearby clinic may be the best solution!!!
Oh gawd, i have to go to Yoga later. MAYBE i can send LOVE to my feet too.
