Taxes + Battle Ships + Love Languages

OK so this morning i woke up on my side of the bed... alone.

Which i am partly to blame because i threw J's bed cover and pillow on the sofa in an act of rage last night. Well not so much rage but out of annoyance. Listening to his mouse clicking and him speaking/laughing into his headset to other clan members last night somehow rubbed me the wrong way.

Funny how when you're in a relationship long enough you know exactly which buttons to press to get a real reaction.


We came home around 7 PM after having just come back from the tax office after a 25-minute bike ride. I took some legal advice from a very nice man who spoke very little English and J was my translator. There was discussion that since i didn't earn that much last year that i could get away with not submitting my 2009 taxes.

But apparently it's much more complicated that that and that i still have to submit my taxes. And so whatever paperwork he needs to do, he's charging me 250 Euros.

Damn it!

More money out the window.

So anyway, i went straight into the kitchen to prepare dinner and said it would be ready in about 45 minutes. J then rushed off to his computer.

By the time we were about to eat, his game had started.

Annoyed at that fact that even though i told him dinner would be ready and have mentioned that i don't like it when he's got the game playing in the background, he still went ahead and logged in.

It took him a maximum of ten minutes to shovel his share of the mashed potatoes, peas and fish into his mouth before he plonked himself back in front of his computer and shut himself off from the real world with his headset.

And so i cranked up the volume on the TV, knowing very well that the microphone on his headset picks up on even the smallest squeak.

I know, i did it out of spite.

Remember that button pressing that i was telling you about at the beginning? A perfect example of how we're able to piss each other off deliberately.

But his excitement for pixelated battle ships was distracting me from watching X Factor, what else was i supposed to do?

Perhaps there's a part of me that feels like the purpose of my mini getaway over the last weekend has already been forgotten. In some sense that part of me is waiting for the day that he gets sucked back into his obsession and starts ignoring me again. And it won't be long until we have another confrontation.

And despite him telling me that he missed me and that it was weird that the apartment was so quiet over the weekend, i can't help but feel no matter how many getaways or silent treatments i throw his way, in the end i will be the one losing the battle.

That said, he did manage to refrain from playing on Sunday and Monday evening.

Woohoo!

There's progress, i should be grateful.


Monday we rode into the city to have a coffee/white chocolate at that little café we've suddenly become very fond of. So maybe in my head i was expecting too much and hoping that he'd voluntarily give up playing his game entirely. Not that i ever said that he should. Decisions like that should be done on his own.

Obviously, we're communicating on two separate levels. Him being in the basement and me lurking in the kitchen near the front door.

But maybe i've just been spoilt.

We used to spend a lot of time with each other and now that his clan remains in the picture, i feel like i have to fight for his attention. But you know, when i woke up this morning i thought maybe i should just be thankful that i even had two full evenings with him without any distractions?

Seriously though, why is being in a relationship so goddamn hard sometimes!?

***

I just spoke with Eekers Sneakers on the phone, she lives in a timezone six hours ahead of me and she used to be my colleague. I miss her crazy antics and our random shopping excursions/chats. I actually called her to ask a work-related question and ended our conversation talking about my relationship.

She sent me a link to do a Love Languages online quiz. And according to Gary Chapman, there are 5 love languages (quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service, physical touch and words of affirmation). Everyone has a bit of these languages but one is more dominant.

And these were my results in order of dominance and with Acts of Service and Physical Touch scoring the same;

Words of Affirmation
Quality Time
Acts of Service/Physical Touch
Receiving Gifts

I did it a second time and these were my results, with Receiving Gifts and Physical Touch switching place;

Words of Affirmation
Quality Time
Receiving Gifts/Acts of Service
Physical Touch

Words of Affirmation
Actions don’t always speak louder than words. If this is your love language, unsolicited compliments mean the world to you. Hearing the words, “I love you,” are important—hearing the reasons behind that love sends your spirits skyward. Insults can leave you shattered and are not easily forgotten.

Quality Time
In the vernacular of Quality Time, nothing says, “I love you,” like full, undivided attention. Being there for this type of person is critical, but really being there—with the TV off, fork and knife down, and all chores and tasks on standby—makes your significant other feel truly special and loved. Distractions, postponed dates, or the failure to listen can be especially hurtful.

Receiving Gifts
Don’t mistake this love language for materialism; the receiver of gifts thrives on the love, thoughtfulness, and effort behind the gift. If you speak this language, the perfect gift or gesture shows that you are known, you are cared for, and you are prized above whatever was sacrificed to bring the gift to you. A missed birthday, anniversary, or a hasty, thoughtless gift would be disastrous—so would the absence of everyday gestures.

Acts of Service
Can vacuuming the floors really be an expression of love? Absolutely! Anything you do to ease the burden of responsibilities weighing on an “Acts of Service” person will speak volumes. The words he or she most want to hear: “Let me do that for you.” Laziness, broken commitments, and making more work for them tell speakers of this language their feelings don’t matter.

Physical Touch
This language isn’t all about the bedroom. A person whose primary language is Physical Touch is, not surprisingly, very touchy. Hugs, pats on the back, holding hands, and thoughtful touches on the arm, shoulder, or face—they can all be ways to show excitement, concern, care, and love. Physical presence and accessibility are crucial, while neglect or abuse can be unforgivable and destructive

I'm interested to see what J chooses.

You know, to see if we're still seeing things eye-to-eye in our relationship. Although i doubt it and i'm not even sure if he'd even do the quiz to begin with.

There are other assessments too whether you're single or a parent with teenagers, see them here.

My friend also claims that the above book is amazing and so i've just ordered it from Amazon.de.

"...Being in love is an emotional and obsessive experience. However, emotions change and obsessions fade. Research indicates that the average life span of the “in love” obsession is two years..."

"...Our differences begin to emerge and we often find ourselves arguing with the person whom we once thought to be perfect. We have now discovered for ourselves that being in love is not the foundation for a happy marriage..."

You can also download the first chapter from here.

So if this book does help our relationship, then i'll be sure to recommend it.

"This is not just a manual for those who have set their wedding date; it should be required reading for anyone who has begun to date. It helps to have a guide to know what to look for. It contains discussions on: love is not enough, 2 stages of romance, like mother-like daughter-like father- like son, solve disagreements, apologizing, forgiveness, toilets are not self-cleaning (this part should be required for getting a marriage license), handling money, sexual fulfillment, marrying into the family, spirituality, personality and behavior.

There are questions for talking it over at the end of each chapter and an appendix that really should be at the beginning on developing a healthy dating relationship.

Gary Chapman speaks as a spiritual advisor, a marriage counselor and from his own experience.

This book will give anyone a guide and a basis for discussions and thoughts on what is needed for a compatible and good marriage." [source]

It just sucks that i have to wait 2-4 weeks for it to be delivered. There i thought i could read it on our 3-hour train trip to Hamburg this weekend.

Oh well.