Earlier today i was running around town buying some International calling cards, topping up his finished toiletries and picking up his hoodie he needed fixing at the seamstress. J had to rush out and get his hair cut before his interview tomorrow, transfer child support money before the post office closed and pick up a 12 kg kitty litter bag all in a span of two hours so he could get back to work to finish whatever he had to do.
So we met up briefly in the city so i could pass him some money since he forgot his ATM card.
But just when i thought things were going smoothly, i went and ruined it by confronting him by telling him that he has a, dare i even say it, gaming addiction.
Fuck. Me and my stupid mouth.
What i probably should have said was i think he's got an obsession.
Of course he was quick to defend himself and said that it's not an addiction but a "hobby". And that basically i don't understand that now he has "friends" and that i'm asking too much from him. But i thought hobbies are recreational activites done once, maybe twice a week. Not one that is done nearly every day for a duration of 4-7 hours.
Yes but does his friends cook for him, tidy after him, do his laundry, iron his shirts or do they even care that his girlfriend may end up losing patches of hair due to this unnecessary stress?
And so we ended up in yet another stupid argument, standing in an empty parking lot near the sidewalk. And in the heat of the moment turned around and just got on my bike and left. J sped into the other direction and my guess was to head back to the office. That was at 6:30PM.
Then four hours later i received a sms telling me that he's going to go have a beer after he's done with work.
In the whole time that i've been living with him, he's never called to say he needs to go out and have a beer. If anything, he would call to ask if i would like to meet up with him and we both have a beer together.
And so i replied with, You do that. Viel Spaß! [Have fun! in german]
It's 12:45 AM and he's still not back and none of his bags are packed.
And without sounding "needy" or "controlling", i will refrain from sending him a sms or even calling to find out when he'll be home.
But i didn't think i pissed him off that much that he'd rather not want to come home, let alone be with me.
Either he's really pissed off that i've accused him of having an addiction. Or that he feels whatever he does i don't seem to be happy and that all i do is complain about his gaming. Or maybe he just wants a break from everything, me included.
Our train to Hamburg departs at 9:05 AM and nothing has been packed.
I'm starting to wonder whether i should even bother accompanying him at all.
Last week he admitted that him playing is an escape from reality. It's his way of "switching off".
His argument will always be that he spends at least 10 hours a day at work and deep down he's resentful that i get to work from home. And all he wants to do when he's at home is to unwind because he's tired.
On one hand he says he'd go for bike rides and places with me but if says he's tired then what's the point of going out if he's going to pull a long face?
Because god forbid that by spending more than my fair share of time with him means it'll eat into his valuable time that he could be playing another round of Battle-Fucking-Ships.
But me whining that he doesn't spend time with me is not entirely true.
He does.
The only difference is now any time spent feels like it's always put on a timer. Once my few hours are up and we've made our way back home, it's guaranteed that he'll eventually log in & play, check his stats and/or check in on his clans' forum.
He says, if there were more interesting things to do in this town then he wouldn't play as much.
Riiiiiight.
So, what happens in December when we do move to a new and exciting city? My question to him is will he keep his end of the bargain and be more active, be adventurous and spend quality time with me outside?
I really doubt it.
Yea, more like stay at home so he can chat with his "friends" on team speak and be all clever with his strategies.
I bet i'll be hearing the typical excuses such as, "it's too cold" or "it's snowing. Maybe it's best we stay at home".
I try to be supportive.
I truly am trying my best since i know how much he hates his job. So he shares with me stories about work and how frustrated he is with it but then not long after gets online and i hear him laughing with his online friends.
Hang on. Why do they get all the laughter and smiles?
It's slowly getting to the point that i can't wait to leave this godforsaken town, in hopes that he'll find peace within himself. And that maybe, i can meet people… real friends that actually look forward to wanting to spend time with me.
Then maybe, then he'll realise i'm not always available at his convenience and dinner will not always be ready on the table.
I'm highly considering getting a part-time job on top of running my own business. I just need to know which city i'm heading to next year so i can actively start searching. I need to be selfish so i can have a life. One that doesn't necessarily depend on him as much.
Why does it feel like i've just become a burden?
So i've turned to google for advice and have been reading various forums describing in detail what couples have to deal with because of their partners' gaming habits.
One woman calls herself a Widow of a World of Warcraft gamer. She went as far as having a day-time boyfriend whilst her husband stayed at home any chance he got just to play. And apparently her day-time boyfriend and her didn't have sex but they did do the typical couple thing by going to the movies, lunches and so on and so forth. That eventually woke her husband up and he realised he was losing his wife.
I'd like to think we would never get to that stage of our relationship but hey, never say never.
Another woman even needed therapy. The advice given was to live her life as if she were single, and never plan on him doing anything with her or for her.
I could possibly do that, in fact i have made an effort since i've gotten back from my solo weekend getaway to run errands on my own. I even rode my bicycle and did the weekly shopping on my own which previously he and i would do together.
But one piece of advice that seems to be repeated is, "Finally, you should never confront your addicted gamer in a threatening, angry, or violent way. This only confirms their suspicions that you're only trying to sabotage their happiness." [source]
Then i stumbled across this wonderful forum called, On-line Gaming Anonymous.
Where members basically share their stories of how gaming has affected their relationships. "It's a self-help fellowship. They share their experience, strengths and hope to assist in recovery from the problems caused by excessive game playing, whether it be computer, video, console, or on-line. "
Stories such as this and this sound familiar to what i'm currently going through. So reading these stories, have made me feel just that little bit better and makes me feel not so alone.
The difference is J he's been playing his game on and off for the last 13 or so years. And only three months ago he was invited into a clan where he now has regular friends he can meet up and play with.
For all i know, he's met some female clan member that he clicks with [no pun intended].
But if it weren't for the fact that i want to see Hamburg cause i need to know whether or not i'd want to live there. And that i have already booked the double room and prepaid for the train tickets using my identification card. I have no choice but spend the weekend with someone whom i might just end up arguing with over the same shit over and over.
Oh joy.
I can't wait.
12:57 AM and he just walked in and has made himself comfortable in the bathroom. I think he's even making phone calls. By the looks of it he's either drunk or he's giving me the silent treatment.
So we met up briefly in the city so i could pass him some money since he forgot his ATM card.
But just when i thought things were going smoothly, i went and ruined it by confronting him by telling him that he has a, dare i even say it, gaming addiction.
Fuck. Me and my stupid mouth.
What i probably should have said was i think he's got an obsession.
Of course he was quick to defend himself and said that it's not an addiction but a "hobby". And that basically i don't understand that now he has "friends" and that i'm asking too much from him. But i thought hobbies are recreational activites done once, maybe twice a week. Not one that is done nearly every day for a duration of 4-7 hours.
Yes but does his friends cook for him, tidy after him, do his laundry, iron his shirts or do they even care that his girlfriend may end up losing patches of hair due to this unnecessary stress?
And so we ended up in yet another stupid argument, standing in an empty parking lot near the sidewalk. And in the heat of the moment turned around and just got on my bike and left. J sped into the other direction and my guess was to head back to the office. That was at 6:30PM.
Then four hours later i received a sms telling me that he's going to go have a beer after he's done with work.
In the whole time that i've been living with him, he's never called to say he needs to go out and have a beer. If anything, he would call to ask if i would like to meet up with him and we both have a beer together.
And so i replied with, You do that. Viel Spaß! [Have fun! in german]
It's 12:45 AM and he's still not back and none of his bags are packed.
And without sounding "needy" or "controlling", i will refrain from sending him a sms or even calling to find out when he'll be home.
But i didn't think i pissed him off that much that he'd rather not want to come home, let alone be with me.
Either he's really pissed off that i've accused him of having an addiction. Or that he feels whatever he does i don't seem to be happy and that all i do is complain about his gaming. Or maybe he just wants a break from everything, me included.
Our train to Hamburg departs at 9:05 AM and nothing has been packed.
I'm starting to wonder whether i should even bother accompanying him at all.
***
Last week he admitted that him playing is an escape from reality. It's his way of "switching off".
His argument will always be that he spends at least 10 hours a day at work and deep down he's resentful that i get to work from home. And all he wants to do when he's at home is to unwind because he's tired.
On one hand he says he'd go for bike rides and places with me but if says he's tired then what's the point of going out if he's going to pull a long face?
Because god forbid that by spending more than my fair share of time with him means it'll eat into his valuable time that he could be playing another round of Battle-Fucking-Ships.
But me whining that he doesn't spend time with me is not entirely true.
He does.
The only difference is now any time spent feels like it's always put on a timer. Once my few hours are up and we've made our way back home, it's guaranteed that he'll eventually log in & play, check his stats and/or check in on his clans' forum.
He says, if there were more interesting things to do in this town then he wouldn't play as much.
Riiiiiight.
So, what happens in December when we do move to a new and exciting city? My question to him is will he keep his end of the bargain and be more active, be adventurous and spend quality time with me outside?
I really doubt it.
Yea, more like stay at home so he can chat with his "friends" on team speak and be all clever with his strategies.
I bet i'll be hearing the typical excuses such as, "it's too cold" or "it's snowing. Maybe it's best we stay at home".
***
I'm starting to really believe it's much easier to keep your hopes high and to keep your expectations low to avoid disappointment.I try to be supportive.
I truly am trying my best since i know how much he hates his job. So he shares with me stories about work and how frustrated he is with it but then not long after gets online and i hear him laughing with his online friends.
Hang on. Why do they get all the laughter and smiles?
It's slowly getting to the point that i can't wait to leave this godforsaken town, in hopes that he'll find peace within himself. And that maybe, i can meet people… real friends that actually look forward to wanting to spend time with me.
Then maybe, then he'll realise i'm not always available at his convenience and dinner will not always be ready on the table.
***
I'm highly considering getting a part-time job on top of running my own business. I just need to know which city i'm heading to next year so i can actively start searching. I need to be selfish so i can have a life. One that doesn't necessarily depend on him as much.
Why does it feel like i've just become a burden?
***
So i've turned to google for advice and have been reading various forums describing in detail what couples have to deal with because of their partners' gaming habits.
One woman calls herself a Widow of a World of Warcraft gamer. She went as far as having a day-time boyfriend whilst her husband stayed at home any chance he got just to play. And apparently her day-time boyfriend and her didn't have sex but they did do the typical couple thing by going to the movies, lunches and so on and so forth. That eventually woke her husband up and he realised he was losing his wife.
I'd like to think we would never get to that stage of our relationship but hey, never say never.
Another woman even needed therapy. The advice given was to live her life as if she were single, and never plan on him doing anything with her or for her.
I could possibly do that, in fact i have made an effort since i've gotten back from my solo weekend getaway to run errands on my own. I even rode my bicycle and did the weekly shopping on my own which previously he and i would do together.
But one piece of advice that seems to be repeated is, "Finally, you should never confront your addicted gamer in a threatening, angry, or violent way. This only confirms their suspicions that you're only trying to sabotage their happiness." [source]
***
Then i stumbled across this wonderful forum called, On-line Gaming Anonymous.
Where members basically share their stories of how gaming has affected their relationships. "It's a self-help fellowship. They share their experience, strengths and hope to assist in recovery from the problems caused by excessive game playing, whether it be computer, video, console, or on-line. "
Stories such as this and this sound familiar to what i'm currently going through. So reading these stories, have made me feel just that little bit better and makes me feel not so alone.
The difference is J he's been playing his game on and off for the last 13 or so years. And only three months ago he was invited into a clan where he now has regular friends he can meet up and play with.
For all i know, he's met some female clan member that he clicks with [no pun intended].
***
But if it weren't for the fact that i want to see Hamburg cause i need to know whether or not i'd want to live there. And that i have already booked the double room and prepaid for the train tickets using my identification card. I have no choice but spend the weekend with someone whom i might just end up arguing with over the same shit over and over.
Oh joy.
I can't wait.
***
12:57 AM and he just walked in and has made himself comfortable in the bathroom. I think he's even making phone calls. By the looks of it he's either drunk or he's giving me the silent treatment.
2 comments:
I'm so sorry to hear that and this makes me want to give you a big hug so badly!
Good luck for your trip anyway... maybe things will look different (and hopefully better) again when you'll wake up.
Thanks. Here's a *virtual hug* anyway.
Well the trip started off pretty crap and crying in silence on Deutsche Bahn probably didn't help either. But somehow the change of scenery helped and we were back to talking by the time we step foot in Hamburg.
So now i'm trying to just stay optimistic. Trying being the operative word.
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