Those thoughts have returned.

Just when i thought i had things in control, the unthinkable happened.

I was sitting on my couch eating my dinner and out of nowhere i just started balling my eyes out. A sudden wave of extreme sadness came over me. It reminded me of 2 years back when my life took a downward spiral.

And as if fate had led me to change the channel, i flipped to Channel 77 and it so happened to air 'Surviving Suicide'. The parents/children who have lost a loved one to suicide.

It picked at an old wound that i've only recently tried to overcome. But like a dark cloud that i've unable to shake off it stalks me and pounces when i am vulnerable and weak.

I know it's selfish. But like most things in my life, it's probably a good thing that i'm too chicken shit to go through the act of it.

But it's those familiar moments and when i'm enveloped in a language i don't comprehend that it pushes me farther away. I'm not sure whether it's so much my insecurity but i do know that being on my own suddenly feels more lonely than before and it's these moments that all i want to do is run home and cry.

Maybe i'll just take a double dose and hope to wake up to a better day.