So i was on MSN this morning chatting with MyAlbinoNugget [whom i haven't seen since i packed up my things in KL in December 2007 because i needed a break from... everything]. She was commenting on the previous photos i uploaded from my birthday getaway and asked whether i agreed that i look different. I couldn't help but giggle when she said i looked "ladee like" and how i had "proper girly hair". I could only rebut with "well... it's like every other asian girl".
I guess at one point my solution to cutting away my past was to literally chop off my down-to-my-waist hair. A strange satisfaction that seemed to take weight of my shoulders and create a new façade. Never mind that it did nothing to fix what was going on in the inside.
Then it just got shorter and even shorter.
I remember at one point i'd tell my hairdresser to cut it in such a way that i could style it like Astro Boy. But more importantly it should be cut so i could tuck my hair neatly under my cap. After all, wearing a cap was part of my weekend boyish attire back then and i wouldn't dare leaving home without it.
She continued on trying to pinpoint the differences, "...it's layered... n it has texture..." And out of nowhere she said, "and your smile is different..."
I laughed. Had my cookie-cut smile changed?
"Maybe it's because i've never seen u happy".
...
And then it dawned on me, could she be right? Is that what was so different?
I've done my part in burying my past and made every effort to fight my daemons head on. And miraculously i have climbed out of the dark hole and have grown to appreciate everything much more.
After all, my current posts are no longer plagued with anger, frustration and intoxicated dribble. And after many years, i am feeling strangely different.
At 29, i am calm.
This feeling is one that i'm not quite accustomed to but one i could surely get used to. Have the stars and planets aligned themselves and are finally giving me a break? A little fearful that this can all be ripped away from me, i wake up each morning pinching myself to assure myself that this is in fact real.
But my gawd, has it been one hell of a journey!
Maybe i was the one of the lucky ones. Maybe i am proof that things are possible. And maybe by believing deep down inside there must be more to Life than what was, was what kept my head above the water.
And finally, i can smile when i listen to Michael Bublé's That's Life and not beirritated envious of his optimism.
I guess at one point my solution to cutting away my past was to literally chop off my down-to-my-waist hair. A strange satisfaction that seemed to take weight of my shoulders and create a new façade. Never mind that it did nothing to fix what was going on in the inside.
Then it just got shorter and even shorter.
I remember at one point i'd tell my hairdresser to cut it in such a way that i could style it like Astro Boy. But more importantly it should be cut so i could tuck my hair neatly under my cap. After all, wearing a cap was part of my weekend boyish attire back then and i wouldn't dare leaving home without it.
She continued on trying to pinpoint the differences, "...it's layered... n it has texture..." And out of nowhere she said, "and your smile is different..."
I laughed. Had my cookie-cut smile changed?
"Maybe it's because i've never seen u happy".
...
And then it dawned on me, could she be right? Is that what was so different?
I've done my part in burying my past and made every effort to fight my daemons head on. And miraculously i have climbed out of the dark hole and have grown to appreciate everything much more.
After all, my current posts are no longer plagued with anger, frustration and intoxicated dribble. And after many years, i am feeling strangely different.
At 29, i am calm.
This feeling is one that i'm not quite accustomed to but one i could surely get used to. Have the stars and planets aligned themselves and are finally giving me a break? A little fearful that this can all be ripped away from me, i wake up each morning pinching myself to assure myself that this is in fact real.
But my gawd, has it been one hell of a journey!
Maybe i was the one of the lucky ones. Maybe i am proof that things are possible. And maybe by believing deep down inside there must be more to Life than what was, was what kept my head above the water.
And finally, i can smile when i listen to Michael Bublé's That's Life and not be
8 comments:
chrissie,
this is my fave post ever and kinda did a little "chaka chaka dance" on the inside for you. oh, bump me your mailing ads for your copies of the mag!!!!
heya bee! giggles @ your chaka chaka dance and busts out with the tambourine ;) THANKS!
As for the mag, omg how excellent!!! I'll send you an email right after this... oh i can't wait to see it! Is out in the newsagents yet?
three cheers for Calm... :)
you know what your friend is so right, you DO smile different now, ad you DO look calmer - yay!
oh and i'm glad to know your 5 ringgit stripey bag made it to such a posh establishment...! i laughed out loud when i saw it in your pic!! you haven't forgotten the joys of bargain hunting in bangsar! i have handed mine down to my daughter who takes it to playgroup with as much pride!!
big hugs
mlp
Ms. Redd: =) indeed.
mlp: Yea, i keep looking at the pics thinking, "who is that girl?"
lol @ the stripey bag making it to a posh establishment. I swear it's so handy as i'm sure Sashamonsta can agree.
Of course i haven't forgotten the joys of bargain hunting in Bangsar and not forgetting our late lunches, it made going to work far more exciting and worth it ;)
Big hugs backatcha! Hope you're doing well and have settled in nicely.
you looked really happy there. and your style is 360degree change! hope everything goes well with you there. are u gonna come back to msia for hols?
dy: oh you mean 180 degrees... ;)
Yes i guess it's a complete opposite of what i used to look like. And thanks, i do hope things go well for me too =)
As for Malaysia, i'm not sure when or for how long but i'm hoping next year some time. But i'll have to see how the time goes and of course the state of my money situation.
=)
erk.... 180. hehe..
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