I'm slowly coming to terms with the fact that the one person i entrusted my secrets and absolute love towards is not the person whom i thought i knew. Whether or not he was caught up in the rush of trying to get their nuptials over and done with before their child is born has nothing to do with it.
It all boils down to R.E.S.P.E.C.T.
Clearly, "If respecting someone means respecting their feelings and their survival needs, then if a person does not respect your feelings, they don't respect you" [source].
A quality i consider very important whether one is in a relationship or not. I'd like to think that one earns respect as opposed to having been born with it. One would have thought i would have qualified, although i never asked for anything in return except perhaps his time.
I guess i was wrong.
Last night, i lay awake wondering where time had gone. I thought about our years together and imagined his new life and shed more tears. Yes i know, it's one of those stupid things that some girls do to pour more salt in the wounds. I then concluded that i've spent a shit load of my growing up years towards a lost cause. After all it did start when i was just 15 and it's nobody's fault but my own. I'd like to think of it as Dedication and Passion but it can simply be looked at as Stupidity.
But such focus has in fact moulded me into the person that i have become. Which could explain the mile high stone walls that surround me and my random moronic self esteem issues. All that said, i have no regrets.
I guess i've kept him up on that pedestal for all these years, it's surreal to realise it was all an illusion. But this ultimate selfish act only adds to my list of disappointments and proves that he never really gave a shit about how i felt.
And without sounding bitter, as i have gone past that stage, then perhaps once his post-wedding excitement dies down and he finds himself attending to his screaming child, he'll find some time in his cushy life to talk to me like a grown up.
Found at deviantART
It all boils down to R.E.S.P.E.C.T.
Clearly, "If respecting someone means respecting their feelings and their survival needs, then if a person does not respect your feelings, they don't respect you" [source].
A quality i consider very important whether one is in a relationship or not. I'd like to think that one earns respect as opposed to having been born with it. One would have thought i would have qualified, although i never asked for anything in return except perhaps his time.
I guess i was wrong.
Last night, i lay awake wondering where time had gone. I thought about our years together and imagined his new life and shed more tears. Yes i know, it's one of those stupid things that some girls do to pour more salt in the wounds. I then concluded that i've spent a shit load of my growing up years towards a lost cause. After all it did start when i was just 15 and it's nobody's fault but my own. I'd like to think of it as Dedication and Passion but it can simply be looked at as Stupidity.
But such focus has in fact moulded me into the person that i have become. Which could explain the mile high stone walls that surround me and my random moronic self esteem issues. All that said, i have no regrets.
I guess i've kept him up on that pedestal for all these years, it's surreal to realise it was all an illusion. But this ultimate selfish act only adds to my list of disappointments and proves that he never really gave a shit about how i felt.
Who am i kidding? It's over.
Found at deviantART
5 comments:
please don't be mad at me for saying this:
but, seriously. just leave it all be. don't hope, wish, want to speak to him ever again.
"then perhaps once his post-wedding excitement dies down and he finds himself attending to his screaming child, he'll find some time in his cushy life to talk to me like a grown up."
I mean, seriously chris - you spent almost 2 paragraphs talking about respect and how you were disrespected by him and yet you still hope/want him to give you some kind of explanation. move on. it's time. he's going to have a life that has no place in it for you. why bother putting any more thought into him, he apparently has given you absolutely none.
have enough self-respect and work towards erasing him from your future if you can't erase him from your past. He is never going to be worth your friendship ever again. I personally don't feel it's possible for both of you to be friends. Leave him be.
I'm not mad... and i understand what you're saying. I just feel cheated that's all and needed to vent out my frustrations.
But me saying that we'd be able to sit down and talk sounds unrealistic at this present time and will never happen anyway. So yea. It's over... hence the reason why i ended with "Who am i kidding?"
Well, I think we all have moments of hope like that. We wouldn't be human if we didn't. Hope is honestly NOT a bad thing so I would hate for you to lose hope in your future etc.
LOVE YOU THOUGH! <3
I love you chris. What belinda said is true. leave him. leave the memories. pack it all away and put the box in the fire. treat yourself with more love and respect then he ever did otherwise you're going to always be denying yourself the happiness and if not anything else the PEACE that you so deserve..
ditto belinda, ditto farrah,
and...
a relationship was never about the destination cos who knows where even the best relationships end up. It has always been about the journey, and all about the journey. You had an amazing 8 year journey, so you must not deny yourself the luxury of those memories by declaring it was stupid...
this is in fact a blessing in disguise.
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