I woke up to an unfamiliar feeling this morning. All i wanted to do was to sew my eyelids shut but i knew i had to make it to my 11.40am appointment. They're so efficient in this country the hospital even sends a SMS reminder the day before and calls if the doctor is running behind schedule.
Maybe it was a case of waking up on the wrong side of the bed [it's happened before] and i'd hope i'd snap out of it by the time i took a whiff of caffeine but i've been feeling like this for the past few days. It just so happened that i was able to distract myself and push Reality aside, forcing myself to remember that i was on holiday and i should appreciate the time i had with my boy.
There were numerous times i found myself emotional and teary eyed. He saw there was some sadness and i'm sure he felt some distance. Could it be the additional hormones in my body or post-stress of everything that's happened? I don't know. I hate how i have no control of it and no, it's not like i can snap out it just like that. Anyone who says that simply has no idea.
Yes, i'm very sad that my man has left and perhaps it is the uncertainty of 'us' that still haunts my consciousness. Until there's a next time, i cling on to my memories to keep me company. But Time has it's way of getting the best of us and a part of me worries i might get wrapped up in what was and forget to focus on what is to come. I want it... us... to work, i can only hope i'm strong enough to deal with what is to come.
If that makes any sense.
I miss those familiar faces. The shady roads and potholes. Those friendships i collected over the years that i managed to float in and out of. Funny how some people appreciate things much more when it's gone. I look back at my hasty departure and realise the speed at which everything took place. But then i think, would i have ever been actually ready to say good-bye or would i have just prolonged it just because i feared Change. I need to learn to let go.
I'll admit i haven't quite adjusted to my surroundings.
The past 2 weeks have come and gone and i'm left wondering, now what? What's next? Obviously finding a jobshould be is my top priority but i've lost my drive, in fact it's practically non-existent and it won't be long until boredom settles and gets the best of me.
Suddenly i feel detached to everything. Lost. Feeling like i don't belong... anywhere.
I walked into Shrink #3's office and i don't know what came over me but within seconds of sitting in front of her, i balled my eyes out. Oh gawd, there i thought i had it all together and now i'm sitting in front of some stranger with rain in my eyes. Get yourself together woman!
She wore a black and white printed dress, her cleavage peeped over and had some saucy lookin' red pumps [not quite the typical outfit i was expecting but then again if she wore a frumpy outfit and orthopedic shoes, i wouldn't have thought any less of her]. I reckon she's in her late 30's, not quite the mother figure like the previous shrink with a tudung and who had no windows in her office but this one seems quite sympathetic. I apologised for my sudden outburst and in return she offered me her box of tissues, i guess she's used to that reaction from her patients.
I tried to explain my history and my current situation and my list continued to grow.
After all of that, she sighed and whipped out some metaphors. Nicely put, she described me as a Nomad.
I guess it didn't help that she reminded me that i'm not getting any younger too and as if that was a cue to cry, i burst into a stream of tears. I reckon if that Kleenex toilet paper ad with the labrador puppy was airing, i'd cry to that too. Seriously, EMO to the maximus!
I was even asked to do a simple pie chart of what my priorities in Life are...
I came out blank.
How is that possible? It's not like i didn't know the answer, something so simple and direct, i wasn't even able to complete. It's the new year damn it, i should be celebrating and happy. But i found myself sitting at Maccas for 2 hours nibbling on greasy fries and a fillet'o'fish thinking about what she had said and feeling more confused.
I wandered around sans a map only to find myself walking around in circles. It then took another hour for me to get home with only my tunes to keep me company. Slightly overcast i hid behind my over sized sunnies, hoping they'd shield my puffy eyes and moist cheeks.
.
.
.
But i don't think i fooled anyone.
STATUS: Hi I'm Christina. I currently live a nomadic lifestyle. I'm turning 28 this year AND i have no idea where i'm going in Life and what i want. I'm unemployed. I've moved back home after nearly 11 years. I have a boyfriend but he lives on the other side of the world and i don't know when we'll see each other next and i miss him already. I have yet tomeet people make friends. I reside in a concrete jungle.
Seriously, i need to wake the fuck up and scrape myself off the wall soon before something really dramatic happens. But in the mean time... my brain hurts.
Maybe it was a case of waking up on the wrong side of the bed [it's happened before] and i'd hope i'd snap out of it by the time i took a whiff of caffeine but i've been feeling like this for the past few days. It just so happened that i was able to distract myself and push Reality aside, forcing myself to remember that i was on holiday and i should appreciate the time i had with my boy.
There were numerous times i found myself emotional and teary eyed. He saw there was some sadness and i'm sure he felt some distance. Could it be the additional hormones in my body or post-stress of everything that's happened? I don't know. I hate how i have no control of it and no, it's not like i can snap out it just like that. Anyone who says that simply has no idea.
Yes, i'm very sad that my man has left and perhaps it is the uncertainty of 'us' that still haunts my consciousness. Until there's a next time, i cling on to my memories to keep me company. But Time has it's way of getting the best of us and a part of me worries i might get wrapped up in what was and forget to focus on what is to come. I want it... us... to work, i can only hope i'm strong enough to deal with what is to come.
If that makes any sense.
I miss those familiar faces. The shady roads and potholes. Those friendships i collected over the years that i managed to float in and out of. Funny how some people appreciate things much more when it's gone. I look back at my hasty departure and realise the speed at which everything took place. But then i think, would i have ever been actually ready to say good-bye or would i have just prolonged it just because i feared Change. I need to learn to let go.
I'll admit i haven't quite adjusted to my surroundings.
The past 2 weeks have come and gone and i'm left wondering, now what? What's next? Obviously finding a job
Suddenly i feel detached to everything. Lost. Feeling like i don't belong... anywhere.
I walked into Shrink #3's office and i don't know what came over me but within seconds of sitting in front of her, i balled my eyes out. Oh gawd, there i thought i had it all together and now i'm sitting in front of some stranger with rain in my eyes. Get yourself together woman!
She wore a black and white printed dress, her cleavage peeped over and had some saucy lookin' red pumps [not quite the typical outfit i was expecting but then again if she wore a frumpy outfit and orthopedic shoes, i wouldn't have thought any less of her]. I reckon she's in her late 30's, not quite the mother figure like the previous shrink with a tudung and who had no windows in her office but this one seems quite sympathetic. I apologised for my sudden outburst and in return she offered me her box of tissues, i guess she's used to that reaction from her patients.
I tried to explain my history and my current situation and my list continued to grow.
After all of that, she sighed and whipped out some metaphors. Nicely put, she described me as a Nomad.
I guess it didn't help that she reminded me that i'm not getting any younger too and as if that was a cue to cry, i burst into a stream of tears. I reckon if that Kleenex toilet paper ad with the labrador puppy was airing, i'd cry to that too. Seriously, EMO to the maximus!
I was even asked to do a simple pie chart of what my priorities in Life are...
I came out blank.
How is that possible? It's not like i didn't know the answer, something so simple and direct, i wasn't even able to complete. It's the new year damn it, i should be celebrating and happy. But i found myself sitting at Maccas for 2 hours nibbling on greasy fries and a fillet'o'fish thinking about what she had said and feeling more confused.
I wandered around sans a map only to find myself walking around in circles. It then took another hour for me to get home with only my tunes to keep me company. Slightly overcast i hid behind my over sized sunnies, hoping they'd shield my puffy eyes and moist cheeks.
.
.
.
But i don't think i fooled anyone.
STATUS: Hi I'm Christina. I currently live a nomadic lifestyle. I'm turning 28 this year AND i have no idea where i'm going in Life and what i want. I'm unemployed. I've moved back home after nearly 11 years. I have a boyfriend but he lives on the other side of the world and i don't know when we'll see each other next and i miss him already. I have yet to
Seriously, i need to wake the fuck up and scrape myself off the wall soon before something really dramatic happens. But in the mean time... my brain hurts.
4 comments:
Oh carebear! i'm so sorry to hear you say all this but i also kind of expected it - be a little less hard on yourself - anyone going thru what you did would feel the same, with or without being on meds, honestly... even ponies.
dont forget your satnams and happy thoughts... i'm sure once you get a job and move out, get your cat back, things will feel more settled... in the meantime, chin up!
don't be so hard on yourself.. you've recently quit your job, moved country and you've had to say bye to your boyfriend recently without knowing when you'll see him again... I think you should first and foremost, BREATHE. Before you make major decisions regarding work.. maybe get to know yourself again.. this happier self, spend time with your parents.. not only as a daughter but maybe as a friend... it might make you see things clearer, i.e. do you want to be back home, in singapore permanently...it is a new year... you've got the opportunity to just deal with YOU without the issues of work and all the other responsibilities that comes along with being an adult... enjoy this period and you'll never know what might happen at the end of that journey... remember to be happy with your life you have to be first happy with yourself... loving you loads.. might be in singapore soon... beer and chats await us!
Happy New Year Chrissy!!
mlp: Yea... thanks. I'm sure someone out there has written a handbook or at least drew a picture guide... wouldn't that be easy, like those Miffy picture books.
Sigh.
Well i guess we'll see what happens eh. I'm sure you're super excited about leaving. Time to count the days!
F: BREATHING. And yes... i guess i have to be thankful i have this time off to find myself out and find my true essence [gawd, i sound like a hippy].
Duke: Happy New year to you too Buddy! *hugs* CHEERS!
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