There's a Thin Line Between Obsession and Addiction.

Earlier today i was running around town buying some International calling cards, topping up his finished toiletries and picking up his hoodie he needed fixing at the seamstress. J had to rush out and get his hair cut before his interview tomorrow, transfer child support money before the post office closed and pick up a 12 kg kitty litter bag all in a span of two hours so he could get back to work to finish whatever he had to do.

So we met up briefly in the city so i could pass him some money since he forgot his ATM card.

But just when i thought things were going smoothly, i went and ruined it by confronting him by telling him that he has a, dare i even say it, gaming addiction.

Fuck. Me and my stupid mouth.

What i probably should have said was i think he's got an obsession.

Of course he was quick to defend himself and said that it's not an addiction but a "hobby". And that basically i don't understand that now he has "friends" and that i'm asking too much from him. But i thought hobbies are recreational activites done once, maybe twice a week. Not one that is done nearly every day for a duration of 4-7 hours.

Yes but does his friends cook for him, tidy after him, do his laundry, iron his shirts or do they even care that his girlfriend may end up losing patches of hair due to this unnecessary stress?

And so we ended up in yet another stupid argument, standing in an empty parking lot near the sidewalk. And in the heat of the moment turned around and just got on my bike and left. J sped into the other direction and my guess was to head back to the office. That was at 6:30PM.

Then four hours later i received a sms telling me that he's going to go have a beer after he's done with work.

In the whole time that i've been living with him, he's never called to say he needs to go out and have a beer. If anything, he would call to ask if i would like to meet up with him and we both have a beer together.

And so i replied with, You do that. Viel Spaß! [Have fun! in german]

It's 12:45 AM and he's still not back and none of his bags are packed.

And without sounding "needy" or "controlling", i will refrain from sending him a sms or even calling to find out when he'll be home.

But i didn't think i pissed him off that much that he'd rather not want to come home, let alone be with me.

Either he's really pissed off that i've accused him of having an addiction. Or that he feels whatever he does i don't seem to be happy and that all i do is complain about his gaming. Or maybe he just wants a break from everything, me included.

Our train to Hamburg departs at 9:05 AM and nothing has been packed.

I'm starting to wonder whether i should even bother accompanying him at all.

***

Last week he admitted that him playing is an escape from reality. It's his way of "switching off".

His argument will always be that he spends at least 10 hours a day at work and deep down he's resentful that i get to work from home. And all he wants to do when he's at home is to unwind because he's tired.

On one hand he says he'd go for bike rides and places with me but if says he's tired then what's the point of going out if he's going to pull a long face?

Because god forbid that by spending more than my fair share of time with him means it'll eat into his valuable time that he could be playing another round of Battle-Fucking-Ships.

But me whining that he doesn't spend time with me is not entirely true.

He does.

The only difference is now any time spent feels like it's always put on a timer. Once my few hours are up and we've made our way back home, it's guaranteed that he'll eventually log in & play, check his stats and/or check in on his clans' forum.

He says, if there were more interesting things to do in this town then he wouldn't play as much.

Riiiiiight.

So, what happens in December when we do move to a new and exciting city? My question to him is will he keep his end of the bargain and be more active, be adventurous and spend quality time with me outside?

I really doubt it.

Yea, more like stay at home so he can chat with his "friends" on team speak and be all clever with his strategies.

I bet i'll be hearing the typical excuses such as, "it's too cold" or "it's snowing. Maybe it's best we stay at home".

***

I'm starting to really believe it's much easier to keep your hopes high and to keep your expectations low to avoid disappointment.

I try to be supportive.

I truly am trying my best since i know how much he hates his job. So he shares with me stories about work and how frustrated he is with it but then not long after gets online and i hear him laughing with his online friends.

Hang on. Why do they get all the laughter and smiles?

It's slowly getting to the point that i can't wait to leave this godforsaken town, in hopes that he'll find peace within himself. And that maybe, i can meet people… real friends that actually look forward to wanting to spend time with me.

Then maybe, then he'll realise i'm not always available at his convenience and dinner will not always be ready on the table.

***

I'm highly considering getting a part-time job on top of running my own business. I just need to know which city i'm heading to next year so i can actively start searching. I need to be selfish so i can have a life. One that doesn't necessarily depend on him as much.

Why does it feel like i've just become a burden?

***

So i've turned to google for advice and have been reading various forums describing in detail what couples have to deal with because of their partners' gaming habits.

One woman calls herself a Widow of a World of Warcraft gamer. She went as far as having a day-time boyfriend whilst her husband stayed at home any chance he got just to play. And apparently her day-time boyfriend and her didn't have sex but they did do the typical couple thing by going to the movies, lunches and so on and so forth. That eventually woke her husband up and he realised he was losing his wife.

I'd like to think we would never get to that stage of our relationship but hey, never say never.

Another woman even needed therapy. The advice given was to live her life as if she were single, and never plan on him doing anything with her or for her.

I could possibly do that, in fact i have made an effort since i've gotten back from my solo weekend getaway to run errands on my own. I even rode my bicycle and did the weekly shopping on my own which previously he and i would do together.

But one piece of advice that seems to be repeated is, "Finally, you should never confront your addicted gamer in a threatening, angry, or violent way. This only confirms their suspicions that you're only trying to sabotage their happiness." [source]

***

Then i stumbled across this wonderful forum called, On-line Gaming Anonymous.

Where members basically share their stories of how gaming has affected their relationships. "It's a self-help fellowship. They share their experience, strengths and hope to assist in recovery from the problems caused by excessive game playing, whether it be computer, video, console, or on-line. "

Stories such as this and this sound familiar to what i'm currently going through. So reading these stories, have made me feel just that little bit better and makes me feel not so alone.

The difference is J he's been playing his game on and off for the last 13 or so years. And only three months ago he was invited into a clan where he now has regular friends he can meet up and play with.

For all i know, he's met some female clan member that he clicks with [no pun intended].

***

But if it weren't for the fact that i want to see Hamburg cause i need to know whether or not i'd want to live there. And that i have already booked the double room and prepaid for the train tickets using my identification card. I have no choice but spend the weekend with someone whom i might just end up arguing with over the same shit over and over.

Oh joy.

I can't wait.

***

12:57 AM and he just walked in and has made himself comfortable in the bathroom. I think he's even making phone calls. By the looks of it he's either drunk or he's giving me the silent treatment.

There's Gratitude.

As i stood in my kitchen eating my way through a 400 gram jumbo roasted peanuts bag, i decided that being rewarded for all the hard work is worth all the effort. It's like eating pistachios, it's just not the same eating ones that have been already de-shelled.

Ya know what i mean?

Unless of course you're allergic to nuts then i guess you'd have no idea. But really it's often those simple pleasures in life that are taken for granted.

And as random as me sharing with you my adoration for peanuts, J came home yesterday afternoon in a much better mood.

*gasps*

I know right, shock horror!

I didn't question his sudden lift in spirits because i wasn't sure how long it would last. It's like trusting a tamed lion, how long can you really trust him before he lashes out and tries to rip your head off? The last thing i wanted was to jinx it and be in the front line for another outbreak.

But i went along with it and all was fine and dandy.

As mysterious as a sudden storm appearing out of nowhere, it felt like everything was back to normal. And by normal i mean we were chatting as if yesterday mornings' incident didn't even happen and we were back to calling each other by our pet name.

He even wandered over to my desk to ask how my work was going. And when i showed him my initial layouts he could only give me positive feedback.

And you know what, hearing him say those things was like my music to my ears and a real boost to my self-confidence.

Not only because i think it's a huge compliment that he thinks highly of my work but since i know he can be quite critical at times. For example, he would even spot the slightest misalignment or mistaken gradient change and insist i reprint it. Which, in a way, i am thankful that he has an eye for detail.

Generally i don't mind constructive criticisms but if it's only to criticize and put me down then it's only normal to become defensive.

AND

he even helped me prepare dinner.

Never mind all he did was roll out the pre-made pizza dough, cut the tomatoes and fed part of the canned tuna to Luna and Yoshi as a treat. It's the thought that counts and the voluntary help that i appreciated.

And even though he still went online to join his clan after dinner, i didn't make a fuss. Well not one that was that noticeable. So i thought it was only fair that i wasn't a complete bitch and rob him entirely of his obsession. However, i did have to ask whether he has any plans on gaming again tonight. He says, no not tonight.

Hmmm. We'll see about that.

Wait! There's more...

Instead of lighting his cigarette as he usual does in the living room, he went out on to the balcony to get his dose of nicotine. How long will this act of courtesy go on?

I can't be sure but i found it necessary to thank him when he came back in from the cold.

Unless you're new here and haven't been following my saga for the last two weeks, then you wouldn't know one of the main causes that sparked our uproar was me getting really pissed off with being forced to breathe in his secondhand smoke in the apartment.

As a born-again non-smoker, i'm particularly sensitive and it really makes no difference how many scented candles one lights at the end of the day. The odor of cigarette smoke continues to linger long after the fire has burnt out.

All in all, even though my day started on the shit side of the scale yesterday and i shed some tears of frustration, i can finally see some effort he is making to bring back the harmony. I guess at the end of the day whether one is in a relationship or not, what's important is understanding it takes a little give and take to find that balance.

Yes i know, i may sound like i'm preaching and once Monday rolls in there is that slight chance that a plethora of disagreements could have erupted over the weekend. And there i'll be back to square one wondering where we went wrong and whether all the heartache is really worth it.

So i'm bringing along a multi-pack of Smiles for tomorrows' overnight stay in Hamburg. And who knows, if all works out with Js job interview and they offer a good deal, we may just end up moving up there at the end of the year.

***

8:08

But before i fall off this wave of positivity and get pushed back into the deep end again, i wanted to personally thank again those who have commented, e-mailed, tweeted or inboxed me on facebook to show me their concern.

I am very touched that even though i may not know some of you at all, the thought that you even bothered to reach out to a stranger reassures me that my words have not completely gone to waste.

And to my silent readers, thank you for coming back to see if i haven't completely lost it.

Another Day, Another Phase + Tortilla Pizzas

Yesterday was a relatively productive day. Not only did i manage to regurgitate my thoughts and vent out Tuesdays' frustrations but i actually got some work done.


Trusting the good ol' fashion Pencil & Paper approach to sketch out my brochure layout makes it feel like i'm actually progressing in my new project.

Often i'd skipped that crucial stage and go straight to the computer to try and work it out there. Again, that's my impatience working at its' best. Although i'm not sure if that's actually the smartest way to work since i end up spending more time tweaking colour boxes and adjusting and then readjusting text areas to find a balance.

So anyway, by the time J came home which i think was around 5 PM, i was busy scribbling away and getting lead dust all over the sleeve of my white hoodie. He went to take a nap and i didn't see him emerge from the bedroom until an hour later just in time for me to start making some dinner.

And so i made tortilla pizzas out of what feels like that never-ending pack that J bought last week.

Believe it or not we even sat down together to have dinner minus the computer being switched on and watched Das perfekte Dinner. Yup! I got 30 minutes of his undivided attention, of which i think i even saw him smile.

***

But this is what we ate. I love how versatile it was and how you can pretty much put whatever you want on it. Maybe it's true when they say, the way to a Mans' heart is through his stomach. Feeding me with compliments made me feel like i did something right.

Thank you tortilla pizzas, you saved our relationship.

So simple but so tasty!

Heat up the oven to 200˚C and smear on a thin layer of the wet ingredients on a plain tortilla. Sprinkle whatever toppings you like and sit it on a baking tray at the highest section for about 5 minutes or until the edges crisp up.

+ Tomato concentrate
+ Tomato based pizza sauce
+ Ketchup
+ Cracked Pepper
+ Garlic Powder
+ Dry Oregano
+ Grated Cheese [e.g. Gouda]
+ Green Peppers

***

Everything was going great until he removed himself from the sofa and made his way to his computer. Seeing him reach for his headset immediately put me in a foul mood and at that point i knew i had lost him. There's no sense trying to talk to a man who can't seem to multitask when it's game time.

So i went to my work room, which is right next door to the living room and spent the rest of my energy searching for images for my project. Blasting my music so i didn't have to hear him talk loudly to his clan members was the only thing that kept me calm.

And so i kept my mouth shut and chose to ignore him.

Seriously, if he wants to crawl into bed past midnight because he spends all evening gaming, then wake up six hours later grumpy because he has to be at work at 7 AM, then that's his fucking problem. I've had enough of telling him that he actually does need sleep in order to function.

But it wasn't always like this.

Yesterday afternoon the sentimental part of me got distracted by kept e-mails. J and i used to write to one another constantly back when we were in a long distance relationship. The folder states there are a total of 495 emails dating from 1.10.2007 - 25.10.2008. Many of which include words of passion and the utmost desire to be together. As i'm sure every new formed couple will know what that's like.

Three years later the exchange of kind words have become a rarity and avoiding each other has become a normality.

Do i blame stress? Maybe.

But is this what i have to look forward to for the rest of our relationship? I so hope not.

I wake up to a gloomy Thursday with not even a spoken exchange of a "good morning" and an extended hug goodbye. Instead i get a halfhearted "Tschüss Christina" and watched him shut the front door behind him in a hurry because he was late for work.

Taxes + Battle Ships + Love Languages

OK so this morning i woke up on my side of the bed... alone.

Which i am partly to blame because i threw J's bed cover and pillow on the sofa in an act of rage last night. Well not so much rage but out of annoyance. Listening to his mouse clicking and him speaking/laughing into his headset to other clan members last night somehow rubbed me the wrong way.

Funny how when you're in a relationship long enough you know exactly which buttons to press to get a real reaction.


We came home around 7 PM after having just come back from the tax office after a 25-minute bike ride. I took some legal advice from a very nice man who spoke very little English and J was my translator. There was discussion that since i didn't earn that much last year that i could get away with not submitting my 2009 taxes.

But apparently it's much more complicated that that and that i still have to submit my taxes. And so whatever paperwork he needs to do, he's charging me 250 Euros.

Damn it!

More money out the window.

So anyway, i went straight into the kitchen to prepare dinner and said it would be ready in about 45 minutes. J then rushed off to his computer.

By the time we were about to eat, his game had started.

Annoyed at that fact that even though i told him dinner would be ready and have mentioned that i don't like it when he's got the game playing in the background, he still went ahead and logged in.

It took him a maximum of ten minutes to shovel his share of the mashed potatoes, peas and fish into his mouth before he plonked himself back in front of his computer and shut himself off from the real world with his headset.

And so i cranked up the volume on the TV, knowing very well that the microphone on his headset picks up on even the smallest squeak.

I know, i did it out of spite.

Remember that button pressing that i was telling you about at the beginning? A perfect example of how we're able to piss each other off deliberately.

But his excitement for pixelated battle ships was distracting me from watching X Factor, what else was i supposed to do?

Perhaps there's a part of me that feels like the purpose of my mini getaway over the last weekend has already been forgotten. In some sense that part of me is waiting for the day that he gets sucked back into his obsession and starts ignoring me again. And it won't be long until we have another confrontation.

And despite him telling me that he missed me and that it was weird that the apartment was so quiet over the weekend, i can't help but feel no matter how many getaways or silent treatments i throw his way, in the end i will be the one losing the battle.

That said, he did manage to refrain from playing on Sunday and Monday evening.

Woohoo!

There's progress, i should be grateful.


Monday we rode into the city to have a coffee/white chocolate at that little café we've suddenly become very fond of. So maybe in my head i was expecting too much and hoping that he'd voluntarily give up playing his game entirely. Not that i ever said that he should. Decisions like that should be done on his own.

Obviously, we're communicating on two separate levels. Him being in the basement and me lurking in the kitchen near the front door.

But maybe i've just been spoilt.

We used to spend a lot of time with each other and now that his clan remains in the picture, i feel like i have to fight for his attention. But you know, when i woke up this morning i thought maybe i should just be thankful that i even had two full evenings with him without any distractions?

Seriously though, why is being in a relationship so goddamn hard sometimes!?

***

I just spoke with Eekers Sneakers on the phone, she lives in a timezone six hours ahead of me and she used to be my colleague. I miss her crazy antics and our random shopping excursions/chats. I actually called her to ask a work-related question and ended our conversation talking about my relationship.

She sent me a link to do a Love Languages online quiz. And according to Gary Chapman, there are 5 love languages (quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service, physical touch and words of affirmation). Everyone has a bit of these languages but one is more dominant.

And these were my results in order of dominance and with Acts of Service and Physical Touch scoring the same;

Words of Affirmation
Quality Time
Acts of Service/Physical Touch
Receiving Gifts

I did it a second time and these were my results, with Receiving Gifts and Physical Touch switching place;

Words of Affirmation
Quality Time
Receiving Gifts/Acts of Service
Physical Touch

Words of Affirmation
Actions don’t always speak louder than words. If this is your love language, unsolicited compliments mean the world to you. Hearing the words, “I love you,” are important—hearing the reasons behind that love sends your spirits skyward. Insults can leave you shattered and are not easily forgotten.

Quality Time
In the vernacular of Quality Time, nothing says, “I love you,” like full, undivided attention. Being there for this type of person is critical, but really being there—with the TV off, fork and knife down, and all chores and tasks on standby—makes your significant other feel truly special and loved. Distractions, postponed dates, or the failure to listen can be especially hurtful.

Receiving Gifts
Don’t mistake this love language for materialism; the receiver of gifts thrives on the love, thoughtfulness, and effort behind the gift. If you speak this language, the perfect gift or gesture shows that you are known, you are cared for, and you are prized above whatever was sacrificed to bring the gift to you. A missed birthday, anniversary, or a hasty, thoughtless gift would be disastrous—so would the absence of everyday gestures.

Acts of Service
Can vacuuming the floors really be an expression of love? Absolutely! Anything you do to ease the burden of responsibilities weighing on an “Acts of Service” person will speak volumes. The words he or she most want to hear: “Let me do that for you.” Laziness, broken commitments, and making more work for them tell speakers of this language their feelings don’t matter.

Physical Touch
This language isn’t all about the bedroom. A person whose primary language is Physical Touch is, not surprisingly, very touchy. Hugs, pats on the back, holding hands, and thoughtful touches on the arm, shoulder, or face—they can all be ways to show excitement, concern, care, and love. Physical presence and accessibility are crucial, while neglect or abuse can be unforgivable and destructive

I'm interested to see what J chooses.

You know, to see if we're still seeing things eye-to-eye in our relationship. Although i doubt it and i'm not even sure if he'd even do the quiz to begin with.

There are other assessments too whether you're single or a parent with teenagers, see them here.

My friend also claims that the above book is amazing and so i've just ordered it from Amazon.de.

"...Being in love is an emotional and obsessive experience. However, emotions change and obsessions fade. Research indicates that the average life span of the “in love” obsession is two years..."

"...Our differences begin to emerge and we often find ourselves arguing with the person whom we once thought to be perfect. We have now discovered for ourselves that being in love is not the foundation for a happy marriage..."

You can also download the first chapter from here.

So if this book does help our relationship, then i'll be sure to recommend it.

"This is not just a manual for those who have set their wedding date; it should be required reading for anyone who has begun to date. It helps to have a guide to know what to look for. It contains discussions on: love is not enough, 2 stages of romance, like mother-like daughter-like father- like son, solve disagreements, apologizing, forgiveness, toilets are not self-cleaning (this part should be required for getting a marriage license), handling money, sexual fulfillment, marrying into the family, spirituality, personality and behavior.

There are questions for talking it over at the end of each chapter and an appendix that really should be at the beginning on developing a healthy dating relationship.

Gary Chapman speaks as a spiritual advisor, a marriage counselor and from his own experience.

This book will give anyone a guide and a basis for discussions and thoughts on what is needed for a compatible and good marriage." [source]

It just sucks that i have to wait 2-4 weeks for it to be delivered. There i thought i could read it on our 3-hour train trip to Hamburg this weekend.

Oh well.

Weekend with Babymaus + Boo Bear + CG.

My short bus journey began on time and i even made it to the train station with a few minutes to spare. The first train i got on, i ended up finding a seat beside a middle-aged man who looked a bit lost in his thoughts. I did at one point want to offer some of my candy to him but i wasn't sure if i would be disturbing or if he thought i was trying to hit on him.

Instead i kept to myself and stared out the window.


I did however, think it was a good omen that the seat that i did manage to find was directly behind a bunch of nuns.

I'm not so religious, in fact i am a non-practising Catholic.

But seeing them somehow made me feel at ease.

I'm not sure why. Perhaps it's all those train crashes i kept seeing on the news.

*shrugs*

Anyway, i had to change trains in Cologne and use the underpass. And just as i was walking down the stairs i nearly got bulldozed over by some kid who obviously indulged in way too many desserts in his pastime. I nearly lost my balance but thankfully i bounced off some other person who tried to barge their way past me.

I may be small but damn it, there's no need to push!


On Saturday morning i accompanied my sister to the kindergarten that she works at. They were having an Open Day whereby parents who are interested in putting their kids on the waiting list for the 2012 admittance can get a tour of the place.


And i'm not sure why i have this obsession with checking out the bathroom of any place but apparently this need dates back to even when i was a child. And for that i couldn't help but take a picture of the little kids' toilet.

Isn't it just so cute?

I later got the tour of the lower floor, where i got to see Mia's classroom. Basically where she spends the day playing, eating and sleeping whilst my sister works.


Here's Mia at approximately 10 Months. I can't believe she can already pull herself up and take a few steps on her own. She's grown so much since i last saw her in July.

And here's her taking time out from walking around the coffee table to have a rummage through her toy box.

What was she looking for?


Yup, her mirror.

Why? So she could give her reflection a kiss.

o.O

Attempting to do a group photo with Boo Bear + Baby Maus + Yours truly.

Who says you can't grill when it's nearly freezing outside? And so CG fired up his much loved grill on their balcony. They ate homemade burgers and i ate some pre-made vegetarian sausages topped with ketchup and barbecue sauce.

Whilst i was there i wanted to buy J a present. I thought maybe a t-shirt or something he could wear. Then i remembered he has two job interviews next week and what better than to buy him a new tie. Obviously there are better presents out there but hey, i'm on a budget. The grey coloured one is to replace the one i managed to destroy/tangle up in the washing machine.

Note to self, remember ties are meant to be hand washed.

Watching the sunrise and a partial blue sky.

My journey back felt longer but i was eager to get home and see J.

Yes, i did miss him.

In our case, distance does make the heart grow fonder.

Anyway back to the train ride...

I think i was wearing too many layers and combined with a heating duct right beside me, my eyelids were so heavy. And it didn't help that my roll-away trolley bag was wedged in between my seat and the seat in front leaving barely any leg room.

Why is it that i always forget to put my stuff in the overhead compartment?

Because the stress of standing on my tippy-toes and trying to hurl my luggage over my head when the train is full is too much of a hassle.

So anyway, i wanted to sit on the side of the Rhine river just so i could take photos but the train was so full that i had to make do with the first available.

And have you ever tried capturing a rainbow whilst sitting in a moving train?

I tried and it's hard.

After numerous blocked shot, i did manage to get one. Too bad that stupid crane was in the way and i managed to capture it in front of an ugly street.

But here's me trying to think positive, "...in Western culture a rainbow symbolises renewed Hope, something lucky to look upon." [source]

And as Kylie would say, "I should be so lucky! Lucky... lucky... lucky..."

Before I Travel Solo.

So i've packed my bag, bought my train ticket and i'm heading South for the weekend [minus Yoshi of course]. I reckon he knows something is up because he keeps rubbing himself up on me and wanting to jump in my handbag every chance he gets.

He's usually needy but rarely this affectionate. However that said, his favorite place to sleep is on my arm. The one that uses the mouse to click.

Anyway, i'm temporarily detaching the invisible umbilical cord that i've managed to grow over the last twenty-five months and traveling solo for a few days. J and i are supposed to use this time apart to reflect on the situation that we're in. Figure out what we want not only with ourselves but with the relationship.

The next two months may be a bumpy one and depending on how stressed we are, it could even be rocky.


For those of you who don't follow me on Twitter, it ended up not snowing yesterday.

There i was waiting with my camera in hand ready to capture the first few snow flakes of the season.

And then... there was NOTHING.

Just rain, wind and a boring grey sky. How disappointing.

But then again, after thinking about it maybe it was good that it didn't snow because i needed to head out and run some errands. And so by the time it was mid-afternoon the weather changed. The sky was blue and it was the right temperature to be out and about.

J then met up with me after work.

Our plan was to eat at that yummy Asian restaurant before my trip. At the place where that very unfriendly, non-smiling Asian chick works and demanded that i delete the photographs of my food the last time. I swear, she needs to get laid or something because her facial expression just screams, Starved of Sex.


But before we over ate, J suggested we go for a glass of wine. He knew of a small wine place just around the corner called Vinus and said he had something important to tell me.

At first i thought, Shit he's fired!

But it turns out he has another job offer and it's in Hamburg and that he simply wanted to celebrate and make a toast to 'us'.

Geographically speaking, Hamburg is close to the North Sea and Denmark. I've never been there before and so our plan is to take a train up there one of these weekends and check it out.

I'm sure i'll keep you posted.


So anyway, back to the wine.

I ordered the most yummiest rosé i've ever tasted. I'm not usually a wine drinker but this one was a smooth fusion of strawberries and rhubarb. I can't remember the name but all the reason why we have to go back just to have another. J had a white wine which was not as delicious as mine but still very good. And J also ordered a mini plate of antipasti with thin slices of cheese that seemed to just melt in my mouth... yum!


But our bicycle ride through the city centre was a very cold one.

7:20PM and the sun was about to set which probably meant the temperature dipped down to about 5˚C. The sky was pretty clear but the wind was icy cold. All the shops had closed for the day and all who were left roaming the streets were the people trying to make their way home to call it a night.

So on that note, i wish all my silent readers and regulars a safe weekend.

I have to meet a deadline and send my work to my client. Plus i gotta start getting ready because the bus that's bringing me to the train station is supposed to arrive at 10:30 AM. Fingers crossed it's on time because i have a train to catch at 10:52 AM. Which gives me a window of approximately five minutes between arrival and departure.

Cutting it close, i know.

But hell, what's an adventure without a little adrenalin to keep the heart pumping.

Take care and i'll be back soon-ish with photos of my weekend adventure sans the boyfriend.

Size 38 Mid-Thigh Socks

I bought these Over-The-Knees socks the other day at an absolute bargain. Would you have guessed i bought them at a discount supermarket?

Well i did.

And the best part was i only paid 2.99 €.

So i was walking down one of the aisles and saw a lady standing in the middle looking down into her hands indecisive. And me being nosy, thought i'd mosey on down towards her and see what she had troubles deciding upon. And there before me were a stack of various patterned long socks.

My shopping list didn't have 'long socks' written as one of the items that i needed to buy.

But before i knew it i was pulling out a black pair and checking for my size. Then in the corner of my eye i saw another pair of hands rummaging through the pile.

What is it with women and good deals?

Like a vulture this elderly woman hastily grabbed whatever she could reach. I could see she snuck a peek at which pattern i had in my hand and even paused.

I don't think so Sista!

And for that reason i refused to let go of mine because it was the last of its' kind and i knew she was eyeing the pair in my hand.

I don't know what came over me.

I just had to have them socks.

Not like i really need them anyway. And before i knew it i was walking away with TWO new pairs of socks in my shopping trolley.

They're really made for European size legs, so when i wear them they're more like Mid-Thigh Socks.

It's all good and dandy that i have nice long socks but if i slip and crack a hip, that defeats the purpose of having them to begin with. Hence the reason i'm wearing them with those non-slip socks.

You know, the ones that i bought at the Euro Shop with those non-slip flower dots stuck to the bottom. Probably one of my best impulsive purchases yet!

But for now, i can't complain.

At least they keep my legs warm and protects me from drafts when i'm at home.


Oh and yesterday we had hail.

Nothing too drama as they were no bigger than those styrofoam balls that fill bean bags. But it did grab my attention long enough that i ran out to the balcony to see if i could catch some in my hand.

But i couldn't.

They basically melted upon impact.


And according to my weatherman widget there's going to be snow later some time today. I doubt there'll be enough to cover the ground white or even make a visual difference.

Nevertheless, it's still snow.

Looks like it's going to be a wet and crappy Autumn week. But isn't it too early for snow?

Hmmm.

I think i need a new winter coat. Preferably one that doesn't make me look like a marshmallow.

But holy bat balls!

That also means Christmas isn't that far away and soon we'll be celebrating the new year/life in a new city.

Hello Falafel

For the longest time i've been moaning about how most of the Turkish fast food stores that i've been to don't sell Falafel sandwiches. An alternative for those who don't eat meat as it's predominately made out of chickpeas and various spices. And often when J would order his meal, i'd be stuck with eating the salad and a plate of fries or finding somewhere else to eat.

At one point i even was tempted to make my own falafel balls.

I mean i've already cured my cravings by making roti canai, shortbread and hummus by scratch.

But then as random as random can be, J came home from work yesterday with his backpack filled with presents. And with presents i mean yummy food.

I guess that's another thing i can be grateful for, J is very thoughtful when it comes to making sure i don't starve. Plus he has a memory like a hawk. Sometimes i'll mention something very casually in a conversation and often i can trust him to remember it even if it's days after.


So anyway, J had gone to one of the shops hoping to find some falafel knowing how much i love eating it but instead the guy behind the counter directed him to a supermarket that specialised in Turkish and Middle Eastern produce. There he even found 18 tortilla wraps which only cost 3.99. Ordinarily a pack of 4 at the regular supermarket would cost 2 Euros.

And seeing that we eat Soy Gyros Wraps at least once a week and may even start making our own pizzas using tortillas as a base, saving pennies where we can feels so much better.

And should you be wondering about the garlic. Well on Monday when we went to the supermarket by bike, we had bought basically everything that was on our list but didn't manage to get any garlic. I love garlic in my food. So he saw some fresh garlic at the Turkish supermarket and bought some. Which saved me from having to make a trip all the way out just to find some.

Yes, i thought that was very nice of him and made it a point to tell him.

Turkish flatbread // mashed potatoes // falafel //
cucumber + garlic + salt + pepper + 3.5% fat plain yoghurt sauce

Topped with ketchup, barbecue and garlic sauce, my falafel sandwich makes out to be a very messy meal but oh so worth it!

And if that wasn't something to be pleased about, J and i even managed to lie on the couch for the entire evening watching TV and without being interrupted by his Battle Ships game! A part of me is still a bit skeptic as to how much longer will this no-game-playing last before he gets lured back to his old habits.

But i see his effort and i am thankful.

Adjusting Habits + Switching Brands

Day Two since our confrontation and i have to say there has been some minor improvements. And even though it was 5˚C this morning, J opted to ride his bike to work this morning instead of drive. Ordinarily it would take him about 10 minutes to drive but in attempt to get fit and healthier, he's trying out the cycling-to-work/home approach.

Plus i think i even heard him say he's trying to cut down on his smoking.

Yay me and yay for Js lungs!

On a personal front, we haven't yelled at each other either. We've even spoken to each other nicely - which has been a nice change. No rude comments or being impolite in the morning makes all the difference when starting a new day.

J even organised his things and took out what he needed to wear for work before he went to bed - a chore i previously had done.

And this morning, we actually took time out to give each other a proper long hug. A moment that often is taken for granted and when one is angry at one another, the last thing one wants is to be touched.

There was no feeling of, "do i really have to?"

It was just comforting to know that it wasn't done out of duty but because it felt like the right moment.

You know what i mean?

Day One, which was yesterday, J had the day off and so i took it upon myself to join him and didn't do any work either. My deadline is Friday, so i can afford one more day to slack off. Js boss allowed him a day off since in the last month he clocked in 280 working hours, of which none of the over hours are being paid for.

I needed to get food for the kitties and stock up our own fridge, so J suggested we go together by bike as it wasn't raining and we felt the fresh air would do us good. It was the first time we had gone grocery shopping without the car but figured we'd try our best to eliminate the need for unnecessary items.

But first we stopped by at Café Bohne. A small café we often passed by car but never got around to going in since each time we drove by it was full.


I'm glad he suggested it and that we both went. Service was good and the mini chandelier above our table made the place just that little bit more special even though the place was pretty laid back.

Normally i would order a coffee but since it was late in the afternoon, i didn't want to be up all night because of a caffeine rush. Which now that i think about, wouldn't have mattered cause i spent all night coughing anyway. My voice has gone missing and has turned really raspy, so i wasn't sure if caffeine would have made it worse.

I wanted to order something that i don't usually have or can make at home. I mean for a cup of tea, i could easily buy two boxes of 25 tea bags for the same price. And so i wanted it to be worth the price.


So i ordered a Heiße "Weiße" Schokolade mit Milch [Hot "white" chocolate with milk].

At first i thought i was being cheated and was served a cup of hot milk but it was the real deal... creamy white hot chocolate accompanied by a Palmiers puff pastry cookie [elephant ear cookies or as the Germans would say, Schweine Ohren [Pigs' Ear Cookie]], whatever you call them, it was absolutely delicious! I totally recommend it.



J ordered the soup of the day but because it had meat in it, i couldn't eat it. So i chose the tomato, mozzarella, pesto & balsamic vinegar to keep the hunger at bay. And as soon as the food arrived, i saw in the corner of our my eye something appear from the table next to ours. The cutest dog with the pinkest nose was eyeing Js soup.

The restaurant is dog friendly, so owners are allowed to bring their dogs inside.

I was waiting for the moment that he/she would jump out at us or bark. But he/she was well behaved and just kept wiggling his/her nose. At one point he/she couldn't stop staring at me. It was actually kind of freaky.

We eventually made it to the supermarket and just in time before the pet store would close.

Both Luna and Yoshi will turning a year old next month, so now is the time to start weaning them off their kitten food. We started with Royal Canin and now a 4 kg bag lasts only a month and it costs us 32 Euros.

But seeing that we'll be moving at the end of the year, any money we can save will benefit us all.


So we've decided to see if they are willing to accept another brand and chose Select Gold.

With so many brands out there, it's so hard to know what is actually good. There are also various other flavors but Chicken seems to be the popular one and one that most cats favor, so we went with that.

Select Gold is slightly cheaper yet still has the right ingredients to keep them healthy [so says the lady at the pet store who claims to feed her indoor cats the same brand]. We end up saving about 5 Euros for a 2 kg bag but i'm sure much more if we end up buying 4 kgs.

But Luna and Yoshi are rather fussy when it comes to their wet food and at times choose to turn their noses at the food that they once loved, so i wanted to make sure they at least eat something even if it's only dry food.

So far so good, they're both eating.

Nobody seems to have an upset tummy and everyone seems to be getting along.

An Ultimatum + Viva Colonia

It is inevitable that once a couple gets past the honeymoon stage of a relationship and the butterflies have disappeared, that there will be confrontations. Some bigger than others. Some more petty and worth laughing about. But at the end of the day what is important is that both parties don't give up on each other and trying to build on the relationship.

Building a strong foundation together is what keeps the relationship from crashing but it only takes one to turn around and ruin it.

So the issue with the cigarette smoke and Js excessive game playing was just the icing on the cake.

I'd like to say the last year for us has been a smooth one but with external stresses it's made it rather difficult. More so for J, which in turn has effected how he has been in the relationship. Lately, our catty remarks and impatience with one another has become more of an annoyance than something to shrug off as a quirky character.

But combine Js dissatisfaction with his job, no respect from his colleagues and the inability to properly rest, means when he gets home the last thing he needs is a nagging girlfriend bitching about her issues and wanting to spend time with him.

Our lifestyles couldn't be any different.

So after several hours of me yelling/talking/crying it out and J jotting down the Positives & Conflicts in our relationship, we came to the conclusion that something needs to be done to improve our situation.

We both are willing to fight for our relationship and we both agree that living in Guetersloh for the past twelve months has in fact made us, in some sense, turn against each other.


All our issues interrelate with one another causing a domino effect.

And without friends and a social life, as a couple we have and are relying on each other for stimuli. Which is not necessarily good as there needs to be balance of a life outside of 'us'.

And at the moment, there isn't one.

But it's like eating cake.

If you eat too much, one is bound to get sick of it or at least have no craving for it anymore.

But he apologised for making me sad and that he knows he has to sort things out before anything gets better.

So anyway, the other week J contacted the regional manager of the company and asked if there was any other position in any other city, in particular Cologne. Cologne or as the Germans would call, Köln is not only more lively, cultural and more International but it's a city that perhaps could fill up that one aspect of our lives that is missing.

It's Js dream city to work in and chances of me finding a job that doesn't rely on me speaking German but English is much higher. It's about two hours drive from here and about half an hour away from Duesseldorf and only two hours to where my sister lives.

So last week J got a call from the regional manager to say there's a job opening for him. And it looks like there's a 90% chance that we'll moving by the end of the year. J just has to go meet the new boss and sign his contract but i'll know more on November 5th.

Keep your fingers crossed!

Which also means this will be my fourth move in Germany in the span of less than three years. Crazy, right!?

But back to us...

After discussing and basically laying everything out on the table, i made an ultimatum.

In the next two months, not only will i back off and not expect him to entertain me but simple matters like grocery shopping together during the week [which i found out he actually hates doing] will be one that i will take care of. Now that i have my bicycle riding under control, i just have to be more selective as to what i buy and what i can actually fit in my backpack and basket. Although with bulk purchases, i will need him to help since he's the one with the drivers' license.

And when it comes to the weekends, i'll be a little more independent and give him his space to unwind. Plus i will also give more suggestions to be more active and do things without relying on him to make all the decisions.

I will focus my energy on organising my things and packing up the apartment.

But then after speaking with my sister on the phone, she and her boyfriend have invited me to stay with them in Wiesbaden for the upcoming weekend. It's a four-hour train ride to where she lives but if it will help save our relationship, i'm all up for it.

Plus i get to see my baby niece and babble with her all day!

Perhaps me not being at home at his beck and call this coming weekend, may mean he may even miss me and appreciate all that i do for him at home.

And perhaps i will not be so dependent on him.

Basically, both J and i just need is a little time apart. It's not a time-out, we are still together. It's eight weeks to figure out our priorities, realise each others' worth and giving each other some time to breathe.

For once, i'm the one thinking positive.

So if by the end of two months, i don't see any changes in the way he's trying to deal with his stress and finding ways to save our relationship [and himself], then i have threatened to leave.

It's dramatic, i know but i'm hoping it won't get to that stage. It needed to be said to show him that i am serious.

So whether it is him doing sports or finding a healthy alternative, that is up to him to do and take charge. And that by making a conscious effort to cut down his game playing time, he can at least get a decent nights' rest and not get so worked up when his stats gets messed up due to a lost game. Or realise that now he is in a clan, doesn't mean his world evolves around it and those "friends" he shares strategies with.

He needs to deal with the negativity that work is dishing out at him and somehow turn that energy to something positive so he can get prepared for his new job and starting another chapter in another city.

The next two months is going to fly by and in that time not only do i have to get as much of work complete but the search for an apartment for us is going to be the real bitch. Not forgetting finding boxes and packing all our junk in it.

I HATE PACKING.

We're totally hiring a moving company this time to do the move for us.

Stinking Mad!

[WARNING: RANT AHEAD]

Do you know what drives me up the goddamn stinking wall? Waking up before the crack of dawn and opening my bedroom door to the rest of the apartment and inhaling the stench of stale cigarettes.

Seriously, that smell never REALLY goes away.

OK, so i used to smoke.

But i don't now.

I started at the tender age of fourteen and decided sometime after Christmas last year that i had enough. I'm thirty now.

They say, the worst non-smokers out there, are the ones who have quit.

And i would have to agree with them.

Maybe it's because our senses have been renewed/cleansed. Or maybe our ducts have seen a new lease on life and would much rather get more, i dunno... oxygen perhaps!

I dunno, all I know is that i can't stand the smell of cigarette smoke!

I don't smoke but my clothes and hair smell as if i've dusted myself with ash.

It's gross and i don't like it.

What's worse is my sore throat has now escalated to my thyroid gland being swollen causing me great discomfort when i swallow or even take a sip of water. If only there was such a thing that second-hand cigarette smoke causes such inflammation and could be in fact fatal, then maybe, just MAYBE, J will have the decency to go out on the goddamn balcony and smoke!

But his excuse is, "It's too cold."

Fair enough.

It's 8˚C at the moment, then wear a PAIR OF FUCKING SOCKS!

We even made this deal that he switches the fan on, open the balcony door and lights scented candles, that way the place doesn't smell like an ashtray.

But when i woke up just now, none of them were lit and the balcony door was only slightly open.

When i asked him, why he didn't light any.

He says, "You were sleeping."

Yeah, i WAS sleeping, now i'm awake AND now it fucking stinks!

And to make matters worse, he's still playing that fucking battle ships game since last night. So much for us spending time together!

His excuse is that it's "his time out".

It's his way of de-stressing. But each time i bicker and complain, he goes all ape shit on me and says it stresses him out even more and tells me not to act like his mother.

WELL FUCK YOU TOO!

I've had a restless seven hours sleep but perhaps seven peaceful hours for him.

And now i'm awake to the living room door slammed shut because that's where he is right now clicking away and polluting that side of the apartment.

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRR....

It makes me so fucking angry!!! HE sometimes MAKES ME SO FUCKING ANGRY!!!

We're supposed to be driving to Cologne at 1 PM today.

But after this early mornings' confrontation and door slamming, it wouldn't surprise me that he plays that stupid game all morning just to spite me.

I, seriously, loathe waking up in a fucked up mood.

It's pitch black outside and nobody in their right mind would be up this early on a weekend unless of course they have work to do.

*Breathe IN with the Good*
.
.
.
*Breathe OUT with the Bad*
.
.
.
*Breathe IN with the Good*
.
.
.
*Breathe OUT with the Bad*
.
.
.

But THIS is the kind of stress that probably causes my hair to fall out in clumps.

This rage is the kind that i'm too familiar with.

I thought i was over it and to have it back in my life it just makes me just sick. I'm trying to control myself but i can feel my heart clench. I imagine my blood boiling with frustration.

I know, i may have been a much nicer person as a smoker. And maybe, i'd even save myself a few grey hairs if i'd just join him for a smoke or two but for the time being, i'm standing my ground and protesting.

Oh, my head hurts.

There's No Place Like Rheingold + Missing Money

Sorry for my sudden disappearance... although i'm not quite sure who i'm apologising to since not that many of you actually comment or question my whereabouts.

But for those few who have wondered, i am alive.

I've just been sick.

Self-diagnosis says i could have had glandular fever since i had practically all the symptoms. But my fever remained in the mid 38˚C range and it didn't get that dangerously high, so i didn't worry.

But for all i know i just got another case of the flu.

J bought me some Wick MediNait which helped knock me out. It soothed the pains and softened the headache. And although my throat is still very sore, have issues gulping and my vision is somewhat blurry, this morning i could actually make it sitting upright. That is, without wanting to curl up into a ball and proclaim i felt like death was upon me.

I know, so drama right?

Anyway, i have a massive deadline next week and the week after and it's starting to make me nervous as i'm not yet close to being finished and the other i have yet to start.

But before i get wrapped up in that, let's see if i can recap the last week in brief...

Last weekend started off rocky, J was super stressed with work and as usual he bottled it up. And so whilst he turned to his little Battle Ships game to unwind, i chose to ignore him.

We had plans on going to Movie World on Saturday which would be about an hour and half's drive from where we live but as we were running around town doing errands we opted to take a rain check on it. And instead i accompanied J and bought him two new jackets and a fleece hoodie.

In the evening we decided to drive to Bielefeld, which is the nearest city to where we live and about 20 minutes away, to see if there was a decent club playing tech-house or something similar that we could go to. We knew of another dance club but were told that the dress code was strict and guys had to wear proper dress shoes.

Dress shoes? To a dance club? Yes.

Total yuppy central and definitely not our cuppa tea.


So we decided to go to Gallery Club and everything about the place was so posh. Entrance was 6 Euros and if you want something hung in the wardrobe it's another Euro. We ended up staying as long as a double shot of vodka and redbull could last.

It was a Electro / Shouts / Tech-house night [i think] and looking at the handful of people who were there, they looked like they were all sixteen playing dress up. There was a R&B room and everything was laid out in white.

We didn't know what 'Shouts' meant but soon figured out it was the MC singing along and what sounded like his version of a bad rap.

It was annoying.

And i just wanted him to stop.

We then tried our luck at another club and even stood in line with our hoodies and scarves for a good half an hour. Wedged between teenagers who were much taller than us and wearing close to nothing when it was just 5˚C.

Silly girls, they should know better!

We then came to our senses and thought, what if the music is really shit inside, then we would have wasted all this time standing outside.

And so we left the line and didn't look back.


Frustrated that there wasn't anywhere to go, we decided to drive to Duesseldorf [which was a good hour and a half away] and headed to Rheingold. At least there we knew the place and lately, we've had luck when it comes to the music.

We met up with some friends and there were no bitches or negative vibes - well not towards me or J, so that's good. And apparently, those regulars who have a tendency to give me the evil stares when i'm dancing weren't there that night, which made my night even better.

So i danced the night away and was able to release all the built up stress. And which probably explains why i am sick this week. Or maybe i caught it off that guy who claimed to be sick after i shook his hand.

Hmmpf.

BUT WAIT THERE'S MORE!

So the next day J checks his bank account online and notices that his account is empty. Which can't be since he didn't withdraw that much money and for once he actually had money saved this month.

But it turned out he was a victim of card skimming.


Somebody had manipulated one of the ATMs in the city, which then gathered his [and however many other victims'] details and managed to take money out of the accounts. After going to the bank personally, J found out that they had stolen a total of 500 Euros and had withdrawn the money on Saturday in Holland.

We went to the police station on Tuesday to make a report and it took two very long hours. In which time my stomach couldn't stop gurgling and making noise. The female officer kept looking over at me. I couldn't help but feel embarrassed.

Turns out there were two other couples at the station, making a report as well. They looked far more dressed up than we were and i'm sure they had a shit load more money missing in their accounts.

Now J just has to wait for his bank to return him his money.

So yea, that was my week. Let's hope this weekend won't be as drama.

Shhhhh!

This morning when i woke up it was a frosty 1 degree Celsius outside. Yes, just one single digit! Cold enough to cover cars with frost and make you feel like the air is biting your skin.

I guess in that sense, it's moments like those that i'm grateful that i don't need to step out of my front door to get to work.

So anyway, i'm not sure what was going on this morning but some guy at 7:30 AM was jackhammering his way into my neighbors' driveway. All i can say to that is, HOW RUUUUUDE!

I could feel the vibrations run through the whole house and into my chair. It was the kind of massage that i wasn't looking forward to this morning.

All i wanted was silence.

So not only do i feel like i have a brick pressed against my forehead but i'm nursing a pulled calf muscle and a sore throat.

I'll explain later.

I need to drink some hot camomile tea and hobble somewhere to find a quiet place to hide.

Dear Sunshine,

Oh no!

Our 20 degrees Celsius temperatures that we've been having the last week has finally left us. There i was holding on to you by your finger tips and wishing you would stay longer. I guess we all have to say our good-byes at one point or another.

But why?


My widget says it's currently 15˚C and cloudy. And although it looks like it's gonna get cooler as the week progresses, i'm just hoping you keep your promise.

I remember arriving at Frankfurt airport in Spring 2008 and the sky was grey. I was so excited at the aspect of not sweating that i ran around in a t-shirt and a relatively thin hoodie despite the fact that it was 10 degrees Celsius.

Now, two plus years later, i'm cursing the weather gods for taking you away from me so fast and turning down the heat.

This is what my reality looks like...


With the leaves changing colours, it almost makes up for the lack of your presence but not really. I'm just hoping my weather widget isn't lying when she says you're going to be out later.

Please come back.

Because i think i may be getting withdrawal symptoms.

With love and kisses,
Chris

P.S. Where are you?