OH for fucks sake... here we go again.

I'm superfragilistically stressed + tired + frustrated and my brain is racing a million miles per hour. I've only just got home from work and i can summarise my day as being... shit.

I've successfully fucked up 3 mock-ups throughout the day. A good indicator to forewarn me of bad things to come. But i have nothing nice to say right now so i won't even bother to explain what happened.

All i can say is, i don't like being spoken to rudely and i can't emphasize enough how much i dislike with a passion being picked on. I'm not being delusional and i'm NOT the only one that sees it!

It's just plain unfair.

Yes i know Life is not fair but if this is another test to see how far i can be pushed, i'm not too sure whether it's worth it. I try not to think i'm a quitter and numerous people have suggested that i confront the beast head on. I'm just waiting for the dust to settle and moods are somewhat less fierce/emotional because anymore of this will surely drive me back into that hole i've only recently escaped from.

And thanks to the additional caffeine i digested to keep me alert, now my brain refuses to let me sleep. All i'm craving for right now is a nice cold beer or even better... some whiskey to calm me down.

What a fabulous idea... i might just fulfill that wish right about [NOW].

GX: The finale.

*click*

:: BE THERE ::

Unfortunately, this will be the last GX. After this, i have no idea.

1 step at a time...

I am relieved to say my day was relatively productive. After several completely new designs, a second internal review and a few adjustments here and there, i finally created a layout that was given the green light. It felt as if the Gates of Hell were shut temporarily and the angels busted out with trumpets.

Now i just hope that the client likes it.

So apart from work, which obviously has been a key topic lately, i'm starting to think when on earth do i have time to mingle. More specifically, when should i start tip-toing into the World of Dating.

*gasps*

Yes i said the 'D' word again. For those of you who have followed my life will know that my dating track record is practically non-existent. Any interest was soon put out, simply because there was no chemistry or being a 'number' was proving to be not exactly healthy for me mentally. OH WELL what's done is done.

Obviously, it helps being in the right frame of mind and it was obvious that i wasn't ready before. But then again, when are we really ready?

I'd like to think that when it's time, it's time. Not only with relationships but with most things in general. I look at other relationships and envy the fact that they have someone to talk to and share their lives with. I think the less that i think about it, the better.

Which is probably why i've taken conscious steps to focus on more important things, like myself.

My drinking has always been my vice [as my mates will agree] and with parents to constantly remind me that A.D + ALCOHOL DO NOT MIX, i'm using this [TIME-OUT] period to sober-up drink less. It seems almost timely that with less events to attend and to promote for, the less alcohol i consume. It's only when i'm in my social butterfly mode that things get a bit hazy.

But so far, i'm doing well. *Pats her own back*

Then again, with my social life taking a back seat i've been forced to take a hard look at rearranging my life. And like my dad says, there needs to be a balance. So before stress swallows me whole and i have another nervous breakdown, i continue to try and find joy in even the little things. Oh and reminding myself to take each day as it comes. Let it be known it sure beats wanting to end my life.

Back to square one.

*SNAP*

And just like THAT my mood can change. It only took a few minutes but it was enough for me to come crashing down.

I can fully appreciate constructive criticism but if negative comments are consistent, i find that it can take a toll on ones' outlook. I could probably compare it with those women who are in emotionally abusive relationships. Although probably not as extreme but enough to make an impact. Drill it into ones' head that one is not good enough and soon she'll start believing it.

Self-esteem issues? Perhaps. Well that surely won't help in the confidence department.

It seems as if everything thing i do is "weak". I can't help but think that MAYBE i'm bringing down the his standards. But is it really my fault that i can't read minds? It's moments like these that i ask myself, why the hell am i still in this country? And i come out blank.

The more that i think about it, the more that i realise that there REALLY isn't anything keeping me here... anymore that is.

But i've come to the conclusion that, Creatively whatever i do won't ever please him. Oh joy! Now isn't that a recipe for good work and flowing ideas.

So how does one improve? How does one be perfect over night? I don't think that even exists. If only it were as simple as taking medication, then i'd certainly be first in line to overdose on it.

Manners 101

Today i learnt that one should never underestimate the power of genuine compliments and words in general.

How come? Well all due to some positive feedback and constructive criticism, i'm finally feeling slightly more confident in my creative skills.

But i think it can apply to everything, whether it's work related, relationship based or even crossing paths with strangers. I believe it doesn't hurt to be pay someone an honest compliment or even a simple greeting.

They may only be a few measly words to most but for some, words of appreciation can mean the world to them and can make all the difference. Call them sensitive but i believe it's only human nature to want to feel appreciated [whether we're just a friend or an employee].

I also believe that if one has nothing nice to say, then one shouldn't say anything at all. I guess that's the difference between one who Thinks Before They Speak and one who Speaks But Doesn't Think. By the way, this is not relating to anything in particular but how i feel in general.

Being considerate to others is not only common courtesy but shows Respect, a value which i think very highly of and believe should not be taken for granted.

And to end this completely random dose of Manners 101, remembering that Negativity serves no purpose but proves that it attracts its' own kind.

"The more you stay the same, the more they seem to change."

It was a relatively relaxing Sunday and apart from the usual check list of errands i do, i've had a pretty calm weekend. And i'm slowly trying to break my hibernation cycle and looking at life from a different perspective. I even made an effort to venture out of my sanctuary... which was a nice change.

I can't remember the last time i was invited over to a friend's place for a Sunday roast. PingPong was kind enough to cook me a piece of salmon, seeing that i don't eat meat. I munched away on the roasted potatoes, mushrooms and vegetables. And then to add to the delish factor, Possom made some apple crumble... YUM!

We continued to sip white wine and made random chatter whilst being entertained by a toddler's jibberish.

I later got my Soul Coaching cards read and was reassured that, yes i am on the right path...

Corinne Bailey Rae - Put Your Records On

Hello cavities!

[Taken from Facebook's Bumper Stickers + who probably stole them from some other place]

Each time i look at the snail with the words, I HAS A STIK, i find myself smiling and giggling to myself. I showed Ekamon just now and she didn't find it half as funny. Hmmpf... well now!

I think it's just me. [Proof that even the smallest stupidest things can make me laugh].

But i'm convinced the soya bean drink that i drank earlier had waaaay too much sugar in it AND i've reached the pinnacle of exhaustion for this evening. I think i'll go home now.

Oh yay! It's Friday.

But screw going out because at this present moment, the only thing i'm craving for is... my bed.

Mmmmm...

Gettin' my groove back.

Just to inform everyone that my earlier statement that i made about my ovaries talking to me is no longer valid. Don't worry, i'm NOT on a mission to have a bun in the oven anytime soon. Are you crazy!? [Although i wouldn't mind some freshly baked bread right about now].

I'm hungweeeeeee
+
i want to go home.
+
i have to do my laundry
+
wash up my dishes
BUT
i still have work to do
+
...

[end of whinge]

*sigh*

Yes, the beauty of being a designer is either, a] you don't have much of a life b] you're never completely satisfied with the end result c] are constantly lost in your own creative thoughts d] unofficially married to your job e] all of the above.

But on a happier note, i think i've finally got my creative groove back!

Not only did i manage to come up with a few concepts whilst tucked away near the bean bags but my C.D is super excited about them and is confident that the client will love it. *fingers crossed*

The pressure is [ON]. Briiiiiiing it!

XX

"Uh-oh".

I say this with a slightly troubled tone. It's not that serious, in fact i never thought it was a serious thing until... UNTIL i saw a picture of my friends' BABY and then i heard it!

"pitter patter pitter patter* OH FUCK!

And again. "Uh oh, my ovaries are talking to me!" Oh gawd, my hormones are going slightly nuts now, could it be the result of being cooped up indoors stumbling upon stupid re-runs of Pregnancy for Dummies on Channel 77? Or am i to blame my overactive imagination again?

Hmmmpf.

AND NO! I'm not going to run off to be a surrogate baby factory or find myself a man to do the nasty with. "Are you mad?" Maybe. Hmmm... although the latter is far more inviting.

I reckon loneliness has made a U-turn, which is why i MUST find myself a hobby and one that interests me, otherwise i risk increasing my dress size by a few even numbers.

*sigh*

Damn it. Since when did i become so conscious about my figure? Oh that's right, i lack the Y chromosome.

Now that's fit!

Pole Dance Practice - For more of the funniest videos, click here

So apart from the uninspiring music and the ridiculously small hot pants, which i'm assuming is part in parcel with the whole outfit/Stripper Ville look, i'm actually really liking this! No i'm not changing careers, i'm just fascinated.

Seriously, put aside those dirty thoughts and imagine how fit one would be if one mastered it!

Just the thought of going down a fireman's pole [and i don't mean that in any sexual way] is enough to scare anyone of inner thigh burns. But then to hang upside down only to catch yourself just as you're inches away from ground, is pretty damn impressive! I doubt i can even carry my own weight let alone twirl around without twisting some muscle and doing some serious damage.

The closest i'll ever get to hanging from a pole is if i'm using public transport and all the seats are taken and the driver is turning a bend.

OoOOooooer... look at her go!

No One style fits all

Forget about photoshop, perfect lighting and good genes for just a moment. The beauty of the sinful world of Advertising is it allows sex to sell practically anything. And the brand, Calvin Klein does a wonderful job of it...

First seen at www.egodialogues.com

Now that just makes me want to own pair of Calvin Klein Jeans and lay around half naked all day. Wouldn't that be bliss?

Oh no... I'm lost!

Oh no is it Monday already? I've once again succeeded on doing very little over the weekend. For a nano second i thought i'd get my arse to IKEA so i could organise my life like one of those free catalogues. Filling my junk to the brim of each box and tucking them into a corner so they would stop being an eye sore.

But it didn't happened.

I just flipped through the pages and made little dog ears on the pages, as a hopeful reminder that the longer i procrastinate on this matter my clutter will be cluttered and eventually cancel each other out.

And to add to my sloth attitude, i lay on my couch and stuffed myself with chips. Yes, even after numerous people said i put on weight.

HELLO. I KNOW!

I find it strange how people like to state the obvious and often it's never discreet. It would be too simple to keep ones' mouth shut but sometimes by pointing out the negatives it's like a slap to the face. It makes you wake the fuck up.

So anyway, today i've brought my folio into the office because my colleague has been hassling me to bring in my work prior to starting work in this company. For what reason, i'm not quite sure. And we've all come to the conclusion that the work i did prior to stepping into this country was much more creative.

One could even say i deserved my title.

But as i stare at my current pieces, it is obvious that i've lost my creative spark. It's actually quite depressing. I remember a time that i lived, breathed and ate Design. What happened? That's what i want to know.

I find myself very lost in this corporate world dishing out pieces that are now sans love.

This is not what it's meant to be like! Why does it feel like i've lost myself?

Why does it feel as if my drive has been ripped away from me? Every day i wonder where i've put my inspiration because it's been quite awhile since i've seen it last. I am desperately needing to find myself again before it's too late and i'm lost for good.

It's become a rather serious situation because unlike an over the counter prescription that can be bought anywhere, this is my future i'm talking about.

And to make matters worse, I'm surrounded by virus' and random sneezes!

GX: Nearing the End

[See them all at winkris.multiply.com]

Since i hadn't been out for the past month it was nice to see everyone again.

And without fail i was reminded by various people that a] I've put on weight b] I'm much fatter then before c] Before i was skinny but now i'm not d] I've been eating more that's why i'm bigger.

It is obvious that i'm NOT the kind of girl that orders a minuscule salad with dressing on the side and then complains that she's full because she's already eaten. It's the damn junk food i tell ya!

But it's no wonder that there are so many girls with eating disorders. Simply because society has a habit of drilling it into the minds of the influential that one should fit a particular mold. Probably one of the reasons why gym memberships are so popular and realising the fact that as one gets older, ones' metabolism slows down too.

I need a hobby and one that involves some form of exercise... hmmmm.

GX Xclusive: Battle-Tech 1

HOLY SHIT!
You can't read that.

Well then can i please view the eflyer at a bigger scale?

YES... *CLICK ME*

:: SEE YOU ON FRIDAY::

Is it time yet?

Routine has always been something that i've become comfortable with. Perhaps a no-brainer for some but it makes decision making a breeze.

Since the lunar eclipse, things have been looking optimistic [which has been a huge bonus for me] and suddenly i've become more focused. But for some reason today i was feeling especially emotional for no apparent reason. Things just wasn't feeling right.

In order to break my cycle of habits, i made an appointment to the nearby hair dresser. Nothing too tragic, i only went to get my hair trimmed. In hope that it would boost up my mood and perhaps prettify myself. It doesn't look much different but it's always nice to get your scalp scrubbed sitting upright whilst flipping through old magazines.

So anyway, the other day i was making my way home from work and couldn't help but think there MUST be more to Life than 'this' ['this' meaning everything from Career, Relationships to Life].

I mean, they do say Life is short and to make the most of it.

Most wake up after X amount of hours of sleep, to then work Y amount of hours and interact with others for Z hours but then only to have it reset by the time the day is out.

I can feel myself shrinking and i don't mean physically. Perhaps it's boredom or maybe it's just Age but lately i've been craving for a Change. Or maybe Loneliness has finally hit and am suddenly having doubt in my ability to love and be loved.

But before i go down that self pity trail, i'll interrupt myself and say Ones' Destiny is in Ones' own Hands... which means sitting on my arse and waiting for shit to happen won't improve the situation. So i'm finally taking steps to sort myself out, even if i'm as fickle minded as i am.

It's only due time that things start moving forward because from my stand point being stationary can't get any slower.

Maybe it's time...

Benny Boo This is for You!

[Courtesy of veer]

Benny Boo Bubbles, Stoopidfish, Big/Medium Ben aka Nottifish,

It's been awhile since i've done these birthday wishes, so here it goes. Today is your birthday and i was trying to think of a visual that you'd appreciate and what better than an oversized peanut. It's for those days when you feel like you've been kicked to the curb and you're forced to eat a nasi lemak but can only afford the peanuts... ehehhe.

"ooOooh no we have no home" and "we're lost!" But look closer, it's got your name on it!

Looking back, we had some really great times. And to name just a few, the holiday we all decided to go to Pangkor, our numerous road trips when Supastar and Commando had a gig or when i had to do the HS presales/be the door bitch and you entertained me. How we'd camwhore and have our moments of intellectual conversations about life and all then drink ourselves silly.

Just know that there those who do care and are always near by when you're feeling down. We all have issues and but sometimes there's nothing anyone can do but to let those individuals realise things on their own in order for them to grow and be in a better state of mind. [Does that make sense?]

Thanks for the laughs and being such a good friend. Hope you had a fantabulous day and an even better year ahead!

Remember... think happy thoughts!

Much love and summersaults,
Chrissie... xox

Oh and don't forget to practice the "Ping-Pong" moves for GX on Friday... ehehhe.

Crackin' up and it's only Monday...

What better way to get your Monday moving than to watch something ridiculously funny! Thanks to Stoopidfish, i'm crackin' up over the 'Wash the Laundry' and 'Ping-Pong'...*laughs uncontrollably* Wait till you get to the Demonstration part... OMFG... the 'Arabic Aunt'!!!

Yes, i know i laugh at the stupidest things sometimes. But the funniest part is, it's not too far from the truth! And i'm sure there are endless varieties, the list goes on...

I'm getting flash backs of roid boys and muzzas taking over the dance floor! *giggles to herself*

Oh... the sweet taste of alcohol.

[There's more at winkris.multiply.com]

It had been awhile since i was out with the boys but this time the regular crowd wasn't all there. It then dawned on us, how things have indeed changed. But despite the lack of bodies i had a really good time. Not only did i hop from one club to another but i successfully drank my night away with a mix of beer, whiskey and stout.

But i realised a few things last night, a] i still like my alcohol b] I can't play drinking games to save my life... yes i'm absolute shit at it! c] And even if one explains the rules again and again, my ability to understand does not guarantee anything d] Oh and i actually don't mind dressing up all girly.

It must have been around 6 am when WingBoy drove me back. I vaguely remember our discussion and i'm thinking it had to do with Language Barriers. The next thing i know, i'm found past out on my bed and only waking up this afternoon nursing a hang over.

The thought of slaving in front of an open flame when ones' alcohol levels are still high wasn't a good idea. So i then later spent most of my day taking several naps and nibbling on Domino's because i couldn't be arsed to cook.

But because it's Sunday and i'm a lazy git, i'm going back to bed.

Green tea frap and lookin at the positive side.

I've ventured out of my hole today and found myself seated at Starfux sipping a green tea frappucino whilst connecting to a SUPER slow arse muthafukin network. Ekamon just purchased a new 14.1" baby and was excited to test it out in public.

So here we are sitting side by side eaves dropping on random conversations and consoling her about a coincidental meeting with her EX.

Yes the dreaded EX.

We all have one, well most anyway. And as much as we try and forget about them and move on, somehow they're always stuck in the back of minds. Much like a crusty piece of gum that's been wedged in your hair and no amount of peanut butter can remove.

But today it's HIS birthday and as childish as it is, i'm going to refrain from texting him to wish him, even though i've done so every year... for the past 12 years that we've known one another. So instead i'll do this, if he falls upon this post one fine day then, Here's me wishing you a Happy Birthday Mark.

Oh well BOO FUCKIN' HOO... whatever! I am on a mission to sort out my life out. I keep telling myself this as a means to attract the positive. It's that damn Law of Attraction... think happy thoughts, happy thoughts!

So i figured since my back is feeling better today and it's been quite awhile since i've socialised, i thought i'd catch up with some mates and down a few adult beverages to chip off some stress tonight. Plus LeerooOOooy aka DJ Drive is playing at Baze [formerly known as Cream at Renaissance Hotel] tonight at midnight... so i thought i'd show some love and support.

NOTE: PLEASE GOD LET ME NOT DRUNK DIAL OR DO ANYTHING STUPID TONIGHT!

Off with her head!

[Trigger Points]

My brilliant idea of getting a massage has done more damage than good!

The description said it was a Head, Shoulder and Back Stress Reliever. So i thought would be ideal seeing that my shoulders have been killing me lately and my back has been giving me issues for awhile.

At first she applied very little pressure and the satisfaction factor was close to zero. I raised my head when she rambled on about something in Chinese. I then politely interrupted her and said, "English?" She giggled and then replied with, "HAR-der?" I was quick to reply with, "Yes please".

I AM SUCH A DUMB ARSE!

Because right after that she went full force. It's that whole Pain vs. Pleasure thing, i guess. I could feel her dig deeper into each knot in my back. Tendons along my spine were suddenly awake and i could feel them roll over my vertebrae with every touch.

45 minutes later the woman went on to explain to the the receptionist that my back is "VERY BAD". And by the time i got home the ache didn't subside. The back of my neck was feeling slightly puffy and my spine wasn't feeling any better.

Great... i'm feeling worse!

So hoping that the SALONPAS patches would help, i checked the box whether there was a maximum number that one could apply at one go. But couldn't find anything, so i slapped on 2 on my neck and 2 on my shoulders. I ended up waking up several times during the night and wasn't comfortable at all!

So nearly 24 hours later it still hurts and i can feel bruises all up my back!

I doubt it's serious since i can still move my head and lift my arms. I've probably just pinched a nerve or something like that. I blame the stress factor and having to sit in front of the stupid computer for hours on end. It doesn't help that my posture is shit house.

Seriously, they feel like hard as rock nuggets right where my shoulder meets my neck. If only i could grab a scalpel and slice out the pain, i would be so happy! But if this issue persists i should probably see an Osteopath... if not, i might just throw up!

[THERE... there AND there!]

Maccas and chicken scratchings...

There was nothing worth writing about yesterday. Well nothing new anyway and considering the content of my last post i didn't think folding laundry was as exciting.

And as usual last night i was entwined in my perverse thoughts only to emerge from my dreams to silent alarm clocks. There was no need to hit the snooze button several times, i slipped into my reality with very little effort. Usually i spend a few minutes lying on my bed wishing i could steal a few more minutes of sleep but this time, i was actually up and about thinking of Maccas.

Strange.

It had been a few months since i had a Egg McMuffin so i figured instead of thinking about it, i might as well have it. Yes, i am on a mission to get my life together and what better way then shoving a semi-stale egg and muffin down my throat.

So there i was armed with a hashbrown, neatly wrapped McMuffin, large coffee and one too many sugar and creamer packets. I slowly made my way to the office. Within minutes, if not seconds... it was gone *pouts*

And you know what!? It didn't taste as good as i remembered. Oh well so much for that cheap thrill.

By the time it was inching towards noon, i remembered i had an appointment to see the Keeper of my Sanity. Not only for a top-up but just so she can make more chicken scratchings on those A4 sized papers which ends up costing me anywhere from RM90-RM250 a sitting depending on how fucked up i am at the time of my appointment [and that doesn't include medication]!

Hmmmpf... no wonder.

So anyway, it's been 4 weeks since i saw her last and compared to then i was a complete wreck [although not as bad as 2 years ago *touches wood*]. But the past week has been VERY kind to me even though i find myself reaching a cross-road. So she suggests that my meds not be tapered down YET therefore i continue on my 75 mg journey.

But the dumb arse Pharmacy ran out of stock despite my doctor making sure that they kept a box aside for me. LIARS! And it's not the first time the hospital has messed up my order, although i think they just forgot and is just covering their arses. So instead of fuming over something i have no control of, i wait patiently for that friendly phone call that says "it's arrived!"

THINK HAPPY THOUGHTS...
Ya knoooOOoow... i'm very tempted to go for a massage after work.
Hmmm
.
.
.
i think i just might.

She.

Demonrat at www.darkknot.com

Perhaps one of the ultimate heterosexual male fantasies is that of two women. No, this will not be a reenactment of a past event. If anything, it is the result of a deprived and overactive imagination.

Sadly, the effects of facebook has influenced my train of thought, to the extent that vampires which i have successfully ignored, have managed to find its way into my subconscious! It is obvious that no dream of mine would be complete unless it was laced with erotic spice. And instead of viewing my dream in a 3rd person perspective, i was represented as myself and She bore the features of a familiar face.

Evident that our attraction for one another was kept strictly under wraps as we hid behind closed doors, in fear of being forced into exile. I don't think marriage was on the cards but for some reason we're found leaving a church.

The scene changes and i'm standing underneath running water.

She is no longer in my arms and i turn to see her being whisked away. Entranced by the power of seduction she disappears into the far corner and is engulfed by an unknown figure. Helpless behind a glass pane, i watch a stranger feed on her neck like a savage beast. This sensual act of dominance is rather grotesque yet i'm fixated as i watch her spirit being slowly sucked out of her.

I wake up with only her defined beauty etched into my thoughts and as usual i go through my day as if nothing had happened.

It's not what you say but what you do...

Usually Satan's spawn finds himself a cozy spot at the end of my bed but last night was different. Since i've come back from my 3 day escape, he's been exceptionally clingy [more than usual]. Which is odd since i've been away from him for longer periods.

So anyway, last night was the first time he fell asleep sprawled across my chest. It was actually very cute.

Usually he sneaks up just as i'm about to get under the covers and tries to nudge me so i can scratch him under his chin. He then gets what he wants then pisses off somewhere and makes a ruckus but yesterday he stayed put. Throughout the night i found myself rolling over several times to find him snuggled up in the small of my back and having to scoot over so i didn't squish him.

Was it insecurity? Or maybe he missed me.

Uh oh!
.
.
.
He's awake from his nap!

And for some reason he's racing around the place like he's had speed shoved up his arse. So before he knocks everything off my dressing table on to the floor to get my attention, i better play fetch with him so he doesn't feel neglected. Hopefully that'll tire him out by the time it's my turn to pass out.

With thanks...

Whilst looking through old photo albums from my teenage years, it occurred to me how many amazing groups of people i've met in my life. Each part of a particular chapter and each influential in some way or another.

[I brought back 2 huge photo albums but it's late now and i can't be arsed to hook up my scanner... so those pictures will have to wait.]

Some say the people you meet in your life helps to define who you are as a person. Whether they are good or bad, some how they have an effect in moulding you. Whether it's conscious or unconscious but certain traits that you admire or have been accustomed to somehow rubs off onto you.

I would even say most people are still in search of themselves and to some extent are always looking for that balance. Perhaps it's the insecurity of not knowing what might happen next is what terrifies people, or maybe that's just me.

And in the past 3 years of being single, i've learned quite a bit about myself [both the good and the naughty] that perhaps if i were attached i would have never known. Call it Maturity or maybe experience but i'm learning more about myself now than i've ever done.

Even learning to appreciate and this time actually believing that what i have rather than what i lack may be the answer to turning things around. I'm starting to look towards The Secret: Law of Attraction for guidance.

So on that note, i'm lucky to have crossed paths with many. Am appreciative to those few who have stuck beside me and i will continue to be grateful to those who have kept me going.