Today was not the first time i woke up in a foul mood. And i knew the minute i got up, i was going to have a shit day.
I'm sure i took my meds yesterday [or maybe i forgot... even that i can't remember!] Call me Careless but i have a habit of forgetting even the most important things. Seriously, if i had sticky notes coming out of my arse, i'm sure i'd just take one look at them and like running water, it would trickle away and be forgotten in no time. What is the point?
Then several thoughts circulated in my head as i got changed for work a) i was going to be late for work b) my brain was hurting c) i was irritated because my next door neighbor was banging the shit out of something d) I'm inching towards my late twenties and i still can't trust myself [be it sober or under the influence] e) i have missed so many of my doses in the past few months, there is no urgency to pick up my prescription.
I promised myself i wouldn't put myself in the same situation but i did. I drown my worries and this time it back lashed. An accidental mix up and i've really had enough of waking up and not remembering. Strangely, there seems to be a pattern and like most habits, the older one gets, it seems harder to break.
Then i was thinking, could i have somehow developed some passive-aggressive traits along the way? Have i got sucked into my own routine that i have forgotten what it's like to include others in my life? And for those 8 years i made every effort to be part of someone else's life, i in fact was running away from dealing with my own?
And like a trusty old rubber band, i snapped and am now left to figure how it looked like before it all started.
Could it be why the other night when i was having dinner with my dad, our conversation steered towards my emotional level. That they are concerned that i do not have a 'someone' to talk to about my problems. In his words "...a boyfriend, or a girlfriend, or a relationship...".
HOLD UP!
Did he say girlfriend? Or was he just meaning a friend of the same sex? Either way, have my parents got to the point that any form of relationship is better than none? I know my mom is in no rush for me to get hooked up, if anything she encourages me to live life and perhaps date as many people. I am preparing for an interrogation over the weekend.
In fact, to tell you the truth i wouldn't know what to do with a relationship. And as i have said to many of my close friends, I DON'T DATE. Fear of not meeting up to their expectations? Maybe. Or it could be that i'm just too chicken shit and damn right lazy. Perhaps, i've developed a case of Fear of intimacy.
Whatever it is, over time i've adapted to liking my space much like a hermit crab. If it means dumping thoughts onto a blank screen in a vault that is visible for the virtual world to see, to relieve some frustration... i guess a girls gotta do what a girls gotta do.
I'm sure i took my meds yesterday [or maybe i forgot... even that i can't remember!] Call me Careless but i have a habit of forgetting even the most important things. Seriously, if i had sticky notes coming out of my arse, i'm sure i'd just take one look at them and like running water, it would trickle away and be forgotten in no time. What is the point?
Then several thoughts circulated in my head as i got changed for work a) i was going to be late for work b) my brain was hurting c) i was irritated because my next door neighbor was banging the shit out of something d) I'm inching towards my late twenties and i still can't trust myself [be it sober or under the influence] e) i have missed so many of my doses in the past few months, there is no urgency to pick up my prescription.
I promised myself i wouldn't put myself in the same situation but i did. I drown my worries and this time it back lashed. An accidental mix up and i've really had enough of waking up and not remembering. Strangely, there seems to be a pattern and like most habits, the older one gets, it seems harder to break.
Then i was thinking, could i have somehow developed some passive-aggressive traits along the way? Have i got sucked into my own routine that i have forgotten what it's like to include others in my life? And for those 8 years i made every effort to be part of someone else's life, i in fact was running away from dealing with my own?
And like a trusty old rubber band, i snapped and am now left to figure how it looked like before it all started.
Could it be why the other night when i was having dinner with my dad, our conversation steered towards my emotional level. That they are concerned that i do not have a 'someone' to talk to about my problems. In his words "...a boyfriend, or a girlfriend, or a relationship...".
HOLD UP!
Did he say girlfriend? Or was he just meaning a friend of the same sex? Either way, have my parents got to the point that any form of relationship is better than none? I know my mom is in no rush for me to get hooked up, if anything she encourages me to live life and perhaps date as many people. I am preparing for an interrogation over the weekend.
In fact, to tell you the truth i wouldn't know what to do with a relationship. And as i have said to many of my close friends, I DON'T DATE. Fear of not meeting up to their expectations? Maybe. Or it could be that i'm just too chicken shit and damn right lazy. Perhaps, i've developed a case of Fear of intimacy.
Whatever it is, over time i've adapted to liking my space much like a hermit crab. If it means dumping thoughts onto a blank screen in a vault that is visible for the virtual world to see, to relieve some frustration... i guess a girls gotta do what a girls gotta do.
No comments:
Post a Comment