"We are sinking...!!!"

This is an oldie but no matter how many times i watch this... i can't help but crack up each time!!!

Held captive in His eyes

Body language has always fascinated me. So much can be read about a persons' inner feelings and moods by first appearance. One doesn't even have to utter a single word.

I remember some time back Ekamon dragged her friend and i to some random British Council's Single and Ready to Mingle event. She thought it would be fun and perhaps we all hoped there would be a chance that there were at least SOME decent eligible bachelors left out there.

There wasn't.

I, on the other hand had convinced myself i wouldn't find anyone and i'd end up running off to some nunnery one day and i might as well live it up or if that didn't work, i'd be found dead in my 1-bedroom apartment wreaking of cat pee. Surely there was no need to be THAT dramatic but i'll admit i was attracted to the free flow and anyone whom i thought was remotely attractive ended up batting for the wrong team, if you know what i mean.

So anyway, i can't remember the speaker's name but apparently he's an "expert" in the art of reading body language, specifically the connection between the opposite sexes. It was pretty basic knowledge but overall quite entertaining. The only words of wisdom that i learnt that night was if you want to see whether someone is attracted to you, all you have to do is look at them straight into their eyes and watch their pupils dilate.

Then just this evening i found this article online;

A persons pupils get bigger when they are aroused, interested and/or receptive. If you look into his or her eyes and see those pupils growing large - it’s looking good for you. Basically big pupils (unless it’s just dark) mean a person likes what they see.

Try this experiment, and you’ll understand how immediate this effect can be. Go right now and look in the mirror at your own eyes. As you look at them, imagine a sexy man or woman you are attracted to - in whatever way would turn you on. You’ll see that your pupils get bigger in just seconds. Actually, if you love to fish, they may get big just thinking about a lake you love. Anything you like to look at can make your pupils bigger...

For the mind reading part, you can now watch for changing of pupil size to know if someone is interested in you or what you have to say. And yes, shrinking pupils generally do mean the person is not interested. Just be careful to note if light in the persons eyes is causing the shrinking pupils. [source]

Of course i didn't think much of it back then and it had been awhile since i locked eyes with anyone that i fancied. And i spent most of the free time chatting with people i already knew and being chatted up by some guy who i am assuming wanted some spanking by the way he stroked my business card. But still it was a rather enjoyable night and i stored the information in the back of my head for those rainy days.

Which then brings me to Our first night...

We sat face to face on the sofa and looked deeply into each others eyes. It was as if we were trying to telepathically read each others' thoughts but like the hunted i was immediately captivated by the size of his... pupils... Now, now, don't be dirty! I watched before me the windows of his soul blossoming in slow motion and witnessed the sliver of his iris frame it all into place. It was simply beautiful.

And that's when i knew.

A one-in-a-million chance meeting that relied so heavily on Timing and 2 paths crossing - literally. What began as an innocent long lost friendship reunion transformed itself effortlessly into the beginning of the most enriching and honest relationship that neither one of us could have envisioned.

And 4 months later we're still going strong, i would even say it's gone up a notch.

I'll admit i have not felt so adored or thought of so highly of by anyone. It's the most amazing feeling to meet someone who is on the same wave length and has similar dreams and aspirations. Finally, someone who understands and encourages me. Where conversations run like hot lava from our lips and each day we grow fonder of one another.

And i know it's a long road ahead but how can we deny our feelings when everything is so real? We are willing to wait and see. Time is on our side. It's a case of both parties who have wished for the "perfect" being - and then to admit that we have found it in each other. Crazy right?

But long distance relationships are definitely not for the faint hearted. Communication, honesty and respect is vital amongst other things. And although we live on either sides of the world from one another and this is only the beginning, there is evidence that there is an undenying yearning to be with one another and i look forward to what my future has in store for me.

Across the Universe

*click to VIEW trailer*
*click to READ the review by moviehawk*

So i was watching Oprah the other day, as one does. And she was reviewing the musical Across the Universe and from the looks of it, it looks like a movie i'll add to my list of 'Must Watch in 2008'. And if you're a Beatles fan, i'm sure you'll find yourself singing along since it features 33 renditions.

But seeing that it opened in October last year, i don't see it hitting the theatres any time soon over here. Maybe i'll have to make a pit stop at one of those dodgey DVD stores for a quality copy next time i'm across the border.

Hmmm...

The Power of Three Small Words

I came across this little article and thought i'd share...

I bet if I told you "these 3 small words" began with "I" and ended with "you", you'd probably think you knew which phrase I was referring to. Suppose I further revealed that the middle word begins with "L" and ends with "E". I can hear your screaming, "I'd like to solve the puzzle, Pat!". But, unless you guessed, "I like you," then no bonus prizes for you.

I like you. Feels good doesn't it? Can you remember a time right now when anyone (male or female) said, "I like you"? There's something about those words that establish a connection between two people that is very real. What about, "I love you", you ask? "I love you" is a great and powerful phrase when used between two people who truly love each other. But, the problem with those three small words is that in sexual/dating relationships, they are often misused, overused, forced, and/or rushed.

When you're in a new relationship, thinking about when to drop the "ILY" bomb can be as nerve-racking as the first kiss or first time in the bedroom. Sometimes, one partner feels like it's been so long that they are obligated to utter these three fateful words, just so the other person won't feel offended or neglected. Now, the other person feels like they have to return this "love", or they might risk ending the relationship. Either way, many times those three "magical" words often lead to awkwardness or just plain relationship-ending tragedy. How could "I love you" do that?!

The key is knowing how to express the same meaning behind "I love you", but in a way that you can use near the beginning of a relationship, without drudging up any complications or awkward moments. Enter "I like you". It's very simple, very similar, and very much as powerful. Next time your out on a date, and you and your partner are laughing and having a great time, pause for a second, look them in the eyes, and say, "I like you"... - [Fit Buff - source]

How true. I'll admit, it's not something that people say to one another or a phrase i've heard often. It may sound a bit odd at first but i'll admit each time i hear it leave the lips of my significant other, it's enough to stir up my butterflies and i can't help but smile like a little girl.

Luis Royo

If there would be one erotic fantasy artist i wish i could draw like it would be that of Luis Royo. His girls are simply immaculate. No words could fully describe how i feel when i see his work.

Lost in a world of their own, touched by femininity and encased by power. Their features are intoxicating and provocative, which in my opinion are by far superior than any of those i've seen. I envy his talent, imagination and his attention to detail.

If only...

:: Courtesy of Fantasy and Art ::

Cherry oak casket

I'd like to think i'm not a morbid person in general. I don't get off at the thought of misery or death even. And as my previous post states, i detest death with a passion. Where some cultures celebrate this transition from one world to another, i on the other hand choose not to be a part of it. So i'd like to think.

And as if my subconscious was rebelling, she attended a funeral procession last night.

It was my mother's long time friend since the days before she got married. Family members and close friends stood outside of what looked like their house and beside them I could see the high glossed cherry oak coffin. The sun was out and i could see the light reflect off its surface. A beautiful cascade of the freshest flowers spilled over from the top but yet i still kept my distance.

I paid my respects to the husband and despite the occasion, there were no sounds of sobbing in the background. The overall mood was rather peaceful, quite a change from what my subconscious had been accustomed to lately.

...

When i finally peeled the covers off of me, i did an online search for what it all meant and this is what i found interesting, i guess i knew it all along...;

General Death Symbology - 8 basic levels in this symbol [source]

1. An indication that a necessary end has come to a certain phase. A transition to something new.
2. The desire to shed something (attitudes, behaviours, situations etc.)
3. A suggestion to come to terms with death and the fear of death, meaning a search for fulfillment and productivity.
4. A limit has been reached and there is an inability to know how to go beyond that limit.
5. A suggestion to take better care of one's health.
6. Something is dying inside.
7. A close connection with somebody deceased.
8. A desire for peace, solitude, and harmony (the death of fear). According to Jung, dreaming about death means letting go of something that has died; it is a symbol of transformation and a new beginning.

Funeral
...To dream that you are at somebody else's funeral means you are burying an old relationship and closing the lid on the past. You may be letting go of old feelings you've been clinging onto... [source]

Coffin
This dream symbol most likely evokes fear, but before making quick interpretations, carefully consider all of the details in this dream. The coffin could symbolize a lack of energy or vitality in the dreamer. It could represent the death of one stage of life and movement into another. Not necessarily physical death! ... Most simply, and most likely, the coffin in your dreams may represent feelings of confinement and lack of freedom. [source]

And just for a change, i wish my dreams weren't so vivid. Wouldn't it be nice if they were more like flash cards with thick, black strokes... like liquid typography transforming itself on stark white A2 size sheets. It would make dissecting its meaning slightly easier. But considering that i spend most of my day alternating my hours with naps just to kill time, i've grown quite lethargic and uninterested in my waken state. It's almost like a breath of fresh air from my rather predictable day.

I need a new hobby.

Off with their head!

Last night was the second time this week that i dreamt of decapitations. It wasn't mine but that of someone else's.

I hate death; be it a natural cause like old age or those done on purpose. I know HATE is a very strong word and i choose not to use it in my vocabulary but in this context, i really do detest it with a passion. Suddenly flashbacks of how i felt about the murder in the apartment below me only months ago brings back that sick feeling. It's one of those one-in-a-million chances that nobody wishes to be part of. Why couldn't it have been a lottery instead? I can't even watch horror movies - except for that one time when my mates conned me into watching The Exorcism of Emily Rose and assured me i'd be ok. Believe me my fingers were covering my eyes and ears most of the time... i wasn't ok. No thanks to an overactive imagination.

Never again.

Well the dream i had earlier this week was a beheading which involved trees. These ancient old tree logs somehow would come out of nowhere and slice through the air and with a clean sweep those around me would have their heads taken off. Strange. Why would trees be swinging in the air? And before i could think why was i spared? The phone rang and jolts me from my slumber. It was my savior on the other line and i hadn't been so relieved to be thrown out of a dream so abruptly.

But this morning's dream was different.

I had started a new job and i was standing outside about to light a cigarette but instead of standing close to the work place, i decided to venture further away. Running towards an underground car park as if i were late to meet someone i barge through the heavy fire exit doors. There before me are what looks like 2 vehicles crushed by falling debree. Above the crime scene is a faulty plaster ceiling. And in the far corner another van but with its back window broken.

I could overhear a conversation as peramedics are attending to the injured. People are whispering to one another and covering their children's eyes for whatever had fallen through the ceiling had come down with such force. And like a freak of nature swung across like giant sized golf sticks leaving behind lifeless bodies to crumble to the ground. But where are their heads?

Stiff black body bags carry away what is left of what once was breathing.

I turn to go back, forgetting who i was to meet and i'm in a fire escape stairwell. It looks different from the hallway i had just come from. I climb the stairs and try to back track my steps. But everything looks unfamiliar since i am new to the area, i seem to have lost my sense of direction. Suddenly it feels like i'm looking for a classroom. Am i back in school? I have no schedule with me, i only know that i have to be somewhere.

I see a woman walking beside me. She looks like she's one of the paramedics from the crime scene. She's wheeling around various sized bags on a heavy cargo trolley. One looks very similar to the body bag i saw earlier but half the size.

So i quickly make my way to an elevator. I see her approaching me and the thought of sharing an enclosed space with a dead body strikes fear in me. The woman speaks to me but i can't make out what she's saying. She unloads the bags and tosses them in the corner beside me and one of the bags open. I can see the legs! OH MY GAWD... where is the rest of it? I don't wait to find out or even bother asking.

Before i know it, i'm running the other direction down endless hallways. Unfamiliar faces walk past me lost in their own worlds and ignoring my puzzled look. People appear from all corners half naked as if nudity is the norm.

...

I wake up to the whisper of the air-conditioner. Confused as to where i am for a split second, i return my focus to my surroundings and realise where i am. I walk to the computer to read a reassuring email that simply reads, "mu" and i breathe out a sigh of relief.

And so i google the meaning;

Decapitation
This dream suggests that the dreamer is losing control. In a decapitation there is a dramatic and violent separation of the head from the body. Under normal circumstances the mind controls and directs the body. This dream suggests that the dreamer may be under the control of his bodily drives and may be separated from rational thoughts and feelings. Disassociation may be occurring in regard to some behavior or issue in life. However, this dream may have other meanings. This includes excessive concern about punishment and indicates that there may be severe pressure and anxiety in the dreamer's life. [source]

POPBITS

OK so i haven't sent out my resume
.
.
.
Yet.

I have a valid reason. But i'll tell you what i did do today...


I went out to buy mini USB SENSATIONAL SPEAKERS! Serious shit, it even says so.

One of those random purchases but not exactly a necessity. I went to the book store to look for a clear folder instead i came out with speakers and a plastic thingamajig to put my EZ-link card in [clearly was not needed since the card is very durable and is used to a good beating].

But yes i got distracted once again. Although i must say the sound quality is much better than i expected for such a dinky little thing. It sure beats the crappy speakers on the MacBook and the fact that they're little makes traveling not such a huge hassle.

But here's a fact for ya, did you know Popular Bookstore has their own brand of speakers? They call them, POPBITS.

de·ci·sions

:: Thanks Getty! ::

de·ci·sion Pronunciation: \di-ˈsi-zhən\

noun: a: the act or process of deciding b: a determination arrived at after consideration: conclusion

I went to sleep last night trying to sort out my thoughts, as one does as one tries to make sense of the days influences and conversations. Not going as far as writing them down on paper but as i mentally grouped the scribbles that seemed to have etched themselves into my thoughts, i came to the conclusion that i can go on for days swinging the pendulum of questions, concerns and options. And then only to store them in the far corner of my brain to manifest into a mound of confusion.

Procrastination? Maybe. Indecisive? Most likely.

But like Eureka, it only took one remark and a raised tone across the dinner table for me to make up my mind. Never mind that only hours before i was beginning to like the idea of furthering my studies but the little voice in me continued to echo in my ears throughout the car ride home and so i stared out onto the brightest full moon for an answer.

Then at approximately 5.47 in the morning i realised my motivation and what was important to me in order to reach my goals and gaining back my Independence very much relies on my decision. Whether it's the right choice, i won't know but at least i'm taking a chance on the unknown and let's see where this takes me.

So on that note, i'm going to say, Fuck it! I'm sending out my resume.

Paperbacks

:: Beinart International Surreal Art Collective ::
[No i didn't buy this. I just thought the artwork was amazing]

So i decided to venture out of my little hole today and traveled South on the train. Accompanied by familiar tunes and surrounded by blank expressions. Avoiding eye contact, i kept myself busy by darting my stares between the beige coloured flooring, observing peoples' body language and rearranging whatever was in my handbag... for the 3rd time.

After awhile 32 minutes doesn't feel all that long. Eventually i find myself drifting along with the herd. All walking briskly towards the escalators... Exit E? or H? Like sheep, one right after another we disperse and part our ways.

Before i know it i'm in Popular bookstore, Borders and Kinokuniya fondling the paperbacks. There's something i like about crispy new books that don't have their spine bent. I find it almost sacrilegious to completely bend the cover so it kisses the back. I like the spines in perfect condition before and after my purchase. I have know idea why.

I wasn't looking for anything in particular but i browsed through a range of topics that were of interest; Self-Help, Cooking, Design, Travel, Astrology and Erotica.

Often i'll read a chapter or two in the store and then think, oh this is interesting, only to then get home to read a few more chapters and next thing i know my mind has wandered off and it isn't at all what i had thought the book would be about. I guess it's like those skinny mirrors in department stores, somehow the lighting, the angle or maybe the density of recycled air-conditioning somehow distorts ones perception. And then the minute you see yourself in your new purchase outdoors in real life, it's not at all what you had seen staring back at you in the changing room.

Hmmm...

ANYWAY, i don't know what it is but it's rare for me to find a book that really tickles my fancy. Or shall i say one that i will read till the end. I know that sounds very air-head-ish but like bad reception my concentration weakens the further i get into it. And without warning i find myself starting a new chapter from some other book.

ADD? I don't think so. Maybe i should just stick to short stories.

Good Enough

Evanescence - Good Enough
In the video for Evanescence's new single, Amy Lee's love goes up in flames, gets extinguished and then breeds new life. [Source]

Under your spell again
I can't say no to you
crave my heart and its bleeding in your hand
I can't say no to you

Shouldn't have let you torture me so sweetly
now I can't let go of this dream
I can't breathe but I feel

Good enough
I feel good enough for you

Drink up sweet decadence
I can't say no to you
and I've completely lost myself and I don't mind
I can't say no to you

Shouldn't have let you conquer me completely
now I can't let go of this dream
can't believe that I feel

Good enough
I feel good enough
its been such a long time coming, but I feel good

and I'm still waiting for the rain to fall
pour real life down on me
cause I can't hold on to anything this good enough
am I good enough
for you to love me too?

so take care what you ask of me
cause I can't say no

...

I've had this song on repeat for most of the evening. It's beautiful. She's beautiful. Her voice sends soothing chills down my spine. Not only is the video pleasing to the eye but her lyrics evoke familiar thoughts and feelings i knew too well. There are metaphors flowing in from the left, right and center.

A past that eventually crippled me emotionally and tested my own existence. But the past year has kept me occupied and forced me to come face to face with the ugly side of Life... perhaps another of Lifes little tests? But with each disappointment and curve ball, somehow, someone, SOMETHING pushed me to land on all fours like a cat with nine lives.

And as a result my past has made me very weary and cautious. That's normal right?

But at last i have someone in my life and there are moments that i catch myself asking, when is it time to surrender my heart? My significant other continues to wrap me up in a blanket of comforting words and for once i feel wanted. Dare i say i even feel beautiful? There is definitely a bond that connects us although we are far apart. We miss each other more each day and i will continue to miss him as long as i live 7 hours ahead of him.

Technically, i can say i'm in his future. That sounds positive for a change and rather mushy *gasps*

So i guess i should take advantage of our time apart and continue to break down my walls even further. Who knows what lies behind. Strange how it's only been 4 months [shy of 10 days] but i'll admit i am scared ...its been such a long time coming, but I feel good and I'm still waiting for the rain to fall pour real life down on me cause I can't hold on to anything this good enough am I good enough for you to love me too?

Taking steps in a new direction.

...One important lesson about letting go is that the greater our fear, the more we cling. The less fearful we are, the easier it is to let go. When we can let go, even as we sit in fear miracles happen. [p.50] - Just Listen: A Guide to Finding Your Own True Voice.

I've decided to extend my stay at my temporary home away from home by the border.

Here there are no disturbances or feeding schedules to adhere to. The closest i'll get to peace and independence and i realise it's exactly what i need to sort through my options. I'm taking this time to rearrange my thoughts so i can figure out what to do next. Although my choices are somewhat limited, in terms of my stay in the concrete jungle, i have to think long and hard what will benefit me in the future.

And at this point in time, i'm seriously considering returning to my studies.

So the past few days i've been doing my research and looking at my possibilities. Ways that could enhance my skills and perhaps give me an insight in another direction i chose to ignore. I've completed my BA and Honors in Graphic Design then went on to work for 4 and half years, so i don't see myself enrolling in another full-on degree that will take another 3 years! So my next option is a diploma in a specified field. I'm not sure whether doing my Masters is a smart move but i'm not canceling that option either.

I'm looking at the next 12-18 months. And as much as i dislike Reality, i have to be realistic.

So when i return to the little concrete island over the weekend, i'll pop by the Career expo. Who knows maybe i'll find something that interests me. If i don't, at least i got off my arse and checked it out and can't be accused of not doing my part. Then check out a few Design Schools/Academies next week and speak to a representative.

But i'm taking each day as it comes and i continue to chip away the negative thoughts that have attached themselves to the lining of my brain.

BAXX does MOS

:: BA rawks MOS ::

:: i like jager bombs::

:: G + C posin' ::

The event took place on the 12th of January [SHUFFLE: BAXX vs Effen @ MOS]. I can't be bothered to do a write up now cause it took so bloody long to upload the photos... so instead i'll let the pictures do the talking.

To view the full best-of-the-best set of images, you can visit
http://winkris.multiply.com/photos/album/43/SG_BAXX_MOS#

Sibu Island under construction

It was a 2 hour drive from the border but i pretty much passed out the minute i got into the car.

The resort is still under construction and they reckon it'll be open by mid this year. I reckon it'll only be complete by the end of 2008. Although it was only a day trip, my getaway was a nice change. Away from the concrete jungle and hustle and bustle of Life. The weather was amazing and the water was so clear. And with the white powdery sand being so soft to walk on, it was like walking on fluffy clouds.

:: Alone with my tunes and thoughts ::

:: One of the suites with an amazing view ::

"Oh look it's Bambi!"

:: Still under construction ::

:: Other side of the jetty ::

:: Actual size: 50 cent coin ::

:: Another island where the German Survivor series was filmed ::

:: Oh so romantic! "Bunny where are you?" ::

:: And the fish? They're sleeping ::

Like the good old days.

I'm quite knackered from last night. It's been awhile since i've been out and had an all nighter with the boys. It was a great night and it was so good to see my mates, it was like old times and it's nice to know that nothing has changed. The night was filled with great tunes and a delicious mix of white wine, lychee martinis, beer, champagne and my now favorite shot [all thanks to Wing] "Jager Bomb"; Jagermeister + Redbull.

Well i only managed to get 3 hours of sleep. I even squeezed in a meaningful hour and a half chat with my man at 7.30 in the morning over the phone. After checking out, the hour plus journey home by public transport was super tiring and with the sun out in full glory minus my sunnies, made it even worse. But then i did manage to sneak in a nap when i got back, so that gave me a jump start to continue on.

But now i've crossed the border to my temporary home away from home and will be heading off to another nearby island to accompany my dad and staff since they have a meeting for an upcoming project. An excuse to be near the beach and hopefully the weather will be good so i can sit by the beach and reflect on life for just a little bit more.

As for the photos from last night/this morning, i'll try to sieve through the 500+ images and pick the best of the best and upload them when i get back. But i have to go beddy bye time now since we're leaving early in the morning and my bed is looking very inviting from where i'm sitting.

BAXX @ MOS

*click*

The Bass Agents were formed in 2000 and consist of three key players; Xt-Acid and Didjital from Kuala Lumpur (Malaysia), and GG from Melbourne, (Australia). After 3 long years apart, the dynamic trio will join forces creating the hardest yet uplifting sound. Their name stems from 1 main element, the hardness of a driving bass line.

In recent years, the Bass Agents have been featured in majority of the Malaysian major events such as Recharge Revelation , EMIS, UV-Nation The Renault Pit Party and The Hotlink Germany Kick-Off Party. Collectively, they have played alongside a number of Hard Dance legends such as The Prophet, Lady Dana, Gizmo, Organ Donors, Alex Kidd, Steve Hill, Phil York, Dave Joy, Technikal, Dark By Design, Andy whitby, Paul Brisk, Scot Project, DJ Wag, BK, Kai Tracid, Thrillseekers, K90, Soul-T, Derb, Walt and Johan Gielen just to name a few. The Agents took up the challenge of introducing the sound to their home country Malaysia. And only through years of sheer dedication, passion and love towards the music, they were able to MAKE IT HAPPEN. To date, the Bass Agents have been voted as Best New Local DJ by JUICE Readers Choice Awards (Malaysia).

The founders of Malaysian's Hard Dance event Hardsequence, who feature only the best local Hard Dance Djs as well as Internationals. The brand has proven to be a top-notch night, bagging 2 JUICE Reader Choice Awards, "Best New Local Night" and "Most Up For It Crowd" in a short time frame of 12 months.

Effen stormed into the club scene in 2005, with his first club appearance at Zouk's bi-yearly event Localized! Since then, he has graced the decks of other top clubs in Singapore such as Onyx, DXO and Liquid Room. He is notorious for tearing dancefloors apart with his main sets, weaving seamlessly the sounds of melodic trance,tech-trance and percussive techno, all into one cutting edge, mind-bending, sonic performance.

www.ministryofsound.com.sg/shuffle

www.bassagents.com

Cover charges on 12 JANUARY :

Before 10.30pm -
$15 for men and $12 for ladies (both covers include 1 drink) and

After 10.30pm -
$25 for men and $20 for ladies (both covers include 2 drinks)

ooOOoooer... my boys are heading down to MOS for a 5 hour set!

It'll be like the good old days minus the tedious road trip. So i'm packing a few essentials as i intend to park my things at the nearby hotel, screw jumping on the train at 6am i'm not that gung-ho over an hour's train ride. Plus there's no point going back since i'll be seeing them off tomorrow afternoon and it'll save me the journey back.

I've also charged my battery and i expect to take an obscene amount of photos as usual. Who knows when there will be a next time.

Thankfully this morning i woke up on the good side of the bed, so i'm looking forward to a night of bottomless drinks, madness, laughter and chit chatter... it's been awhile.

I'll Be Waiting

I'll Be Waiting - Lenny Kravitz

...

Thank you bunny *smiles*
mu... xox

At a crossroad.

As i was pushing the supermarket trolley along the frozen food section my mind wandered off again. Yes, i've been thinking about my future. As one does when one observes shoppers check the freshness of fish on a death bed of crushed ice. *stab stab poke poke*

There was a time when i would eat, sleep and breathe Design. But now, i feel my passion is fading. It's sad. I'm sad that i don't feel so motivated. There i was sluggishly pushin' the cart along thinking, where did my creative flavor go?

Dramatic as it is but my past experiences have left a deep wound and my one fear is that my past will regurgitate itself and i'll completely lose it. Emotionally i don't think i can afford a round 3. Dare i say, a career change is on hand?

Yes, i've come to a crossroad.

Annoying part is, i don't really know what i want or like to do for that matter. Truth is there really isn't anything that tickles my fancy, not that i know of anyway. I'm scratching my head trying to think of what next to do.

Then i thought, maybe i can take this time to go travel.

It so happens that my tourist visa runs out in 2 weeks which means i'll have to exit this concrete jungle just so i can extend my rejuvenation period. I don't want to go anywhere extravagant, preferably somewhere affordable since i'll probably have to borrow money from the folks. But perhaps some place that can inspire me and open my eyes.

Then i thought of Cambodia.

I've only seen photos and it's all so mystical. I'm sure every traveler will say nothing beats experiencing it for oneself. So i checked out some online packages on offer and it all sounds tempting. But reality bites and i know i'll eventually have to find work... preferably something that i enjoy and then i'm back to figuring out what the hell i want to do with myself.

It's all so very complex. So then i had a heart to heart chat with my mom. I knew it was going to happen sooner or later.

And as a mother would be, she's very concerned about my wellbeing. Since i've arrived i've kept a tight lip on what's been floating around in my head. Not because i didn't want to, i just didn't want to talk about it because it got me all emotional and even more confused. [BUT THAAAANKS BOOBERS FOR TELLING MOM! =p]

But it all went well, considering there was no conclusion.

I guess in the next few days i'll dive deep into my thoughts and hope to pull out a few ideas that were hidden. Who knows, maybe i'll do a short course somewhere, change destinations or volunteer. I don't know.

I'll keep you updated...

Non-stop chatter

"If experiences of the past have led to what you are now, what you do now can lead to what will be tomorrow." - Why I Make Myself Unhappy: Tsem Tulku Rinpoche

Seriously, i'm in no mood to write anything profound.

My head is clouded with a thousand thoughts, questions and concerns and i'm starting to think it's slowly doing my head in. If only i could block them out for a moment then maybe i'll find peace and quiet. Maybe i'll find a solution. But i didn't see that happening, so i told myself to shut up just now.

And just as my emotions were at its highest, i lost my appetite.

So i retreated back into my little room, closed the door and found myself back where i started...

Proof of Age + barefoot in the kitchen

I got carded today by the old man with a white singlet at the hardware store. The store sells cigarettes at a cheaper rate than most places.

*Sigh*

Once again, i've given in to the evils of nicotine! Shame on me for polluting my lungs after being smog free for x amount of weeks. Proof that my habit fails to abandon me but i will say i fully intend to be free of it... one day.

So anyway, there i was about to hand over my S$10.80 and the old man looked at me with a blank stare. Was i whispering? Did i not pronounce Marlboro Medium correctly? So i took my headphones off my head, repeated myself and added a smile. He continued to speak to me in a dialect that i didn't understand. He then turned to the other shop assistant and mumbled something to her.

"Uhhh... how old are you?" she said.

I was slightly taken back since it's been awhile since anyone had asked my age. "27." Even saying it sounded strange.

I think both of them were surprised but i guess they took my word for it since they didn't insist on seeing my ID. As i walked out the store lighting up i couldn't help but wonder how should a 27 soon-to-be 28 year old look like?

I merged into a pack of teens heading towards the very same bus stop and looked down at what i was wearing and figured my tied back hair, pink hair band and aqua coloured Miffy t-shirt must have been responsible for shaving off a decade. I must have blended in quite well and should really be thankful for my Asian genes.

...

But now to add to my spontaneity for the day...

: Ice cream + brownies ::

Believe it or not, i actually quite like baking.

The reason why i didn't do much of it at my old place was because i never had a fully equipped kitchen. Plus my previous gas oven was quite outdated that not even my sweet land lady knew how to work it and i didn't want to risk blowing up the apartment.

But yea, i can be quite handy in the kitchen when i want to be. But i'll confess that i cheated this time round and had the help of Betty Crocker - nothin' wrong with that.

And i wouldn't be lying if i said it tasted damn good!

Riding in circles

Yesterday's random outing sparked some form of creative bug in me. It even produced a sudden urge to visit the National Art Museum and even stop by the Toy museum today but sadly i went as far as the kitchen.

But i found myself cooped up in my room wishing that the dull headache that i went to sleep with would go away. It didn't. So i occupied my time by manifesting random ideas that sounded good at the time and could perhaps be beneficial to my health.

Exercise.

Something that i haven't done in awhile. There doesn't seem to be any Kundalini Yoga places in my area and the centers are pretty far away from my folks place. The thought of an hour's class and then having to stand on the train for just as long and stressing myself even more does not sound inviting or relaxing for that matter.

Then i thought, why not a bicycle. Don't laugh... and no i don't mean a tricycle!

I remember when my man was on holiday here and we were on that little man-made island, he suggested we rent bikes and suddenly it freaked me out. I hadn't ridden a bike in ages! I know how to ride a bike - i think i remember. There was a time that my sister and i would wear matching jump suits - willingly mind you, and ride our bikes to the nearby park with our dad.

But those days are long gone.

I believe my last bike ride attempt was last Christmas with my sister and her now husband. Our little adventure didn't last very long, probably because the rented bikes were so crusty and the seats were so uncomfortable we might as well have shoved a rod up our arses.

But then i thought, i'd be a bit nuts to go out and just buy a bike.

A smart idea would be to head to the East Coast and rent one for S$5/90 mins and see how i go. Then my attention shifted to roller blades. Yes my attention span can flutter back and forth. I figured that since i can ice skate, i'm sure it wouldn't be too hard to get into roller blading. So i searched online for various stores, all of which are on the other side of the island. So maybe that's something i can check out this week.

And that was that. My fitness frenzy sort of fizzled out there.

I soon found myself passed out on my bed surrounded by back issues of trashy magazines kindly donated by my mother. Yes i am a bum. And yes i sat on my ass all day, which isn't all that much different from my working life but now i'm living off my Savings, there are no pressing deadlines and i'm bludging off my folks till i get my feet back on the ground.

As for my job search, well that hasn't really begun. To be honest, i don't know what i want to do and it doesn't help that i'm questioning my creative potential. I've browsed design directories/forums and even noted down a few studios that seem interesting but that's as far as i've gone. I guess i'm still trying to get a grip on Reality and trying to figure out which path i want to go down. Fate has given me this opportunity/ Time Out, so i should be grateful for this breather.

Seriously, it's moments like these i wouldn't mind just being a house wife and raising a family. Don't worry, i say this now but once it happens, i'll be craving for a career and itching to go on random getaways with my man... which of course we intend to do but not until i get my arse back into a paying job.

Yes i am quite fickle that way.

Oh no! That better not be my biological clock ticking i hear. Oh gawd... could it be that my ovaries are talking to me again? Shush... not now!

I'll admit the thought of going back to work scares the shit of me and the last thing i need is to be stressed and have another break down. Just dealing with everything that's happened in recent months, i've realised, has made me withdraw into my little shell.

And yes, i am not ashamed to admit i am having issues dealing with it all.

I'm only human.

Solo red dot excursion

I received the following message from my Kundalini Yoga teacher, Prem Siri Kaur and i thought i would share...

2008 is a "10" year: 2+0+0+8 = 10. Concepts for the number 10 are royal courage, impeccability, majesty, and shining in the face of adversity. Use your energy wisely. Shine when the opportunities come. 10 is also the number of personal and collective accountability. How we live our lives has global implications, so it's a year to make conscious and healthy choices.

In 2008, the number 8 will be your gift. 0 magnifies, so powerful energies are at your disposal. 8 represents prana, the energy inherent in the breath. It's also fearlessness and prosperity. Remember, where there's energy there can be no fear. Rather than rely on lesser substances (sugar, caffeine, alcohol, etc.) for energy, why not go back to the source via the breath. This year, breathe and be blessed! Be conscious of your breath.

If you've been planning a project but have had trouble getting it off the ground, then 2008 says: 'no obstacles now, go for it!' This year your uniqueness and authenticity will go far. We're moving into a time when what's not real will not be rewarded for long. Stay positive! Trust yourself and your gifts. Avoid indecision, self-doubt, and don't give up without a fight! Also, remember, God is in the details. Make sure your i's are dotted and t's crossed.

The number 10 aspires to perfection and is sort of a lone wolf. Balance your independence with a spirit of cooperation. Don't forget that perfection is only an ideal, keep your feet on the ground and accept what's real. Don't be too hard on people, A realized 10 is a compassionate being. Learning to be more truly of who you are makes it easier to be accepting of everyone else.

Hmmm...

On another note, i ventured out to the other side of the concrete island to check out MAAD [Market of Artists and Designers] at the Red Dot Design museum. There they have stalls that sell trinkets, jewelery and random designery things on the first weekend of every month.


I was hoping i could rub off some of their creativity. Perhaps widen my scope of thinking and distract me from my thoughts for the day. It so happened that the museum was also showcasing the red dot award: Product Design 2007 winners. Which also meant that there was no entrance fee... YAY!

I also took a few photos...

One section i thought was interesting asks you to write yourself a letter and then self address it with your email. Then at the end of the year they'd send you an email so you can come back and read what you wrote. Sneaky but smart way of increasing their database.

Well i thought it was clever. So i wrote myself a letter.

I wasn't sure what to write, it's not like i've ever written a Dear Chrissie letter before. So i basically summarised my thoughts for the day and scribbled down my wishes and fears. I squeezed in a few resolutions too, which i'm sure will be forgotten by mid year.

NO, no, no... i must think more positive this year!

Unfortunately, i wasn't particularly interested in all the hand-made glittery jewellery and crafty things they had. I spent more time reading and looking at the product design winners.

:: moof culture flickr ::

However, there was one particular stall that did catch my eye, moof culture creates plush toys and doodles little characters. When asked how long it takes to custom make a toy, his reply was, "2 weeks". One even has a hoodie and it even holds 2 pencils in his back [toy on the right; he has a close up on his website]... i thought that was very cute. Prices range accordingly but i didn't end up buying anything. Although i'm sure if anyone's interested you could email mike at moof culture dot com.

:: Alone... Sipping my thoughts away ::

So yum in my tum...

FACT: Did you know Italian food is featured on the top of my food preferences. Second best would be Japanese. Good food always brings a smile to my face.

So when my folks said we were having Japanese for dinner, i was super excited.

Many of you will know i rarely take photos of my food, probably because by the time i whip out my camera half of the food has been consumed. And nobody likes to look at empty plate shots unless of course it was that person who ate it.

So yea, apparently this all-you-can-eat themed Japanese buffet is on every Saturday at Checkers at the Hilton. It's best to book a table in advance since it is often packed with greedy customers. I can see why though, everything looked so good but sadly the photos didn't do any justice to the quality.

It tasted way better than it looked!

I soon found myself colour co-ordinating my food and arranging it on my plate as i went along. Not only is it far more pleasing to the eye to have an array of colours than a bland looking combo but presentation is as important as the quality of the food. They say, one eats with ones eyes first.

I have to say, i was well satisfied and impressed that my gut could digest as much as it did.

Yes, i admit i practically inhaled my food. I blame the Advertising industry for somehow drilling it into ones' head to think one is only allowed minutes to enjoy ones' food. Time is of essence and with every minute gone, that's one minute closer to a deadline.

There was no deadline.

Only that my jeans were getting slightly more snug but before i knew it i was wandering up to see what else i could nibble on...

1st: variety of sashimi + sushi // soft shell crab // cold appetizers

2nd: More sashimi + sushi // tempura // seabass // potato salad

3rd: Green Tea soba noodles + tofu + miso soup

4th: Salmon & scallops tepanyaki // tofu // more sashimi // seaweed // grapefruit

5th: Green tea ice cream // fruits on a bamboo skewer // berries + marshmellows // random biscuit

6th: More green tea ice cream // berries + marshmellows

So yea, you can see Little Miss Piggy was out on the loose tonight. I think i'll start my exercise regime next week.

*stares at her waistline* Yes.

It's all new to me...

Because i have itchy fingers, i couldn't just leave the masthead alone. I had to go and redo the whole template too.

It bugged me that the format got screwed up when people viewed this site in I.E. Why are people still on I.E... boooOoooo! I thought i'd be clever by taking an existing template and then adjusting it according to my specs, which i did... easy right? But wait! Because i am a champion i copied a template that is in a different language. Check the page source... if you understand the coding, you'll know what i mean!

Yes, i am a dumb arse!

It didn't make a huge difference since i don't really know how to create html docs or css whatevers, it just makes understanding the process slightly more complex.

Well done!

But because i have so much time on my hands today, i managed to figure it out. Just. And it is only because i managed to wing it by the copy + paste function that the site looks rather presentable.

So if you see any errors, broken links or anything seriously wrong... please send me a message!

OH and if anyone knows how to increase the leading between the lines... please feel free to tell me how to do it. Cause the lines are looking rather squishy. For the love of all great things, i can't seem to figure out how to allow more breathing space! I'm feeling rather claustophobic. [FIXED on 05.01 @ 0916]

And why is it when i click on the comments link, it opens it on the same page as opposed to a pop-up. And before you ask, yes i did check the Settings and it says it's set to open in a pop-up window. AND THEN? Why is it not working. Whyyyyyy?

Seriously, now my ass is numb from sitting down for so long... i believe it's close to flat now. I should really peel myself away from the computer before my eyes turn square.

Welcome to my concrete Jungle - 2008

So Life isn't always about Carebears and Rainbows, although i'm sure we all wish it were.

I was tired of my last masthead and although i'm not entirely excited about this one either, i figured i'd start the new year with a bit of colour and inspiration. Maybe that'll shove me in the right direction.

Well at least that took care of the first part of my day...

Life as a nomad.

I woke up to an unfamiliar feeling this morning. All i wanted to do was to sew my eyelids shut but i knew i had to make it to my 11.40am appointment. They're so efficient in this country the hospital even sends a SMS reminder the day before and calls if the doctor is running behind schedule.

Maybe it was a case of waking up on the wrong side of the bed [it's happened before] and i'd hope i'd snap out of it by the time i took a whiff of caffeine but i've been feeling like this for the past few days. It just so happened that i was able to distract myself and push Reality aside, forcing myself to remember that i was on holiday and i should appreciate the time i had with my boy.

There were numerous times i found myself emotional and teary eyed. He saw there was some sadness and i'm sure he felt some distance. Could it be the additional hormones in my body or post-stress of everything that's happened? I don't know. I hate how i have no control of it and no, it's not like i can snap out it just like that. Anyone who says that simply has no idea.

Yes, i'm very sad that my man has left and perhaps it is the uncertainty of 'us' that still haunts my consciousness. Until there's a next time, i cling on to my memories to keep me company. But Time has it's way of getting the best of us and a part of me worries i might get wrapped up in what was and forget to focus on what is to come. I want it... us... to work, i can only hope i'm strong enough to deal with what is to come.

If that makes any sense.

I miss those familiar faces. The shady roads and potholes. Those friendships i collected over the years that i managed to float in and out of. Funny how some people appreciate things much more when it's gone. I look back at my hasty departure and realise the speed at which everything took place. But then i think, would i have ever been actually ready to say good-bye or would i have just prolonged it just because i feared Change. I need to learn to let go.

I'll admit i haven't quite adjusted to my surroundings.

The past 2 weeks have come and gone and i'm left wondering, now what? What's next? Obviously finding a job should be is my top priority but i've lost my drive, in fact it's practically non-existent and it won't be long until boredom settles and gets the best of me.

Suddenly i feel detached to everything. Lost. Feeling like i don't belong... anywhere.

I walked into Shrink #3's office and i don't know what came over me but within seconds of sitting in front of her, i balled my eyes out. Oh gawd, there i thought i had it all together and now i'm sitting in front of some stranger with rain in my eyes. Get yourself together woman!

She wore a black and white printed dress, her cleavage peeped over and had some saucy lookin' red pumps [not quite the typical outfit i was expecting but then again if she wore a frumpy outfit and orthopedic shoes, i wouldn't have thought any less of her]. I reckon she's in her late 30's, not quite the mother figure like the previous shrink with a tudung and who had no windows in her office but this one seems quite sympathetic. I apologised for my sudden outburst and in return she offered me her box of tissues, i guess she's used to that reaction from her patients.

I tried to explain my history and my current situation and my list continued to grow.

After all of that, she sighed and whipped out some metaphors. Nicely put, she described me as a Nomad.

I guess it didn't help that she reminded me that i'm not getting any younger too and as if that was a cue to cry, i burst into a stream of tears. I reckon if that Kleenex toilet paper ad with the labrador puppy was airing, i'd cry to that too. Seriously, EMO to the maximus!

I was even asked to do a simple pie chart of what my priorities in Life are...

I came out blank.

How is that possible? It's not like i didn't know the answer, something so simple and direct, i wasn't even able to complete. It's the new year damn it, i should be celebrating and happy. But i found myself sitting at Maccas for 2 hours nibbling on greasy fries and a fillet'o'fish thinking about what she had said and feeling more confused.

I wandered around sans a map only to find myself walking around in circles. It then took another hour for me to get home with only my tunes to keep me company. Slightly overcast i hid behind my over sized sunnies, hoping they'd shield my puffy eyes and moist cheeks.
.
.
.

But i don't think i fooled anyone.

STATUS: Hi I'm Christina. I currently live a nomadic lifestyle. I'm turning 28 this year AND i have no idea where i'm going in Life and what i want. I'm unemployed. I've moved back home after nearly 11 years. I have a boyfriend but he lives on the other side of the world and i don't know when we'll see each other next and i miss him already. I have yet to meet people make friends. I reside in a concrete jungle.

Seriously, i need to wake the fuck up and scrape myself off the wall soon before something really dramatic happens. But in the mean time... my brain hurts.

Visual Overload

...

And just like that it's over. Our holiday i mean.

The past 12 days came and went. I woke up several times last night expecting to turn over to see him. I even thought at one point during the night the pillow that lay motionless on my right hand side was his shoulder. I didn't hesitate to reach over and wrap my arm around it but all i felt was the softness covered with cool air.

It dawned on me... again, that he is no longer here and Reality is back.

So much has happened in the past 2 weeks. Actually the last 6 months has been absolutely insane. I still haven't quite absorbed all of it and i need this time to reflect on... Life. Somehow i've trained myself to wake up by 9 just so we have enough time to laze around in bed before we have to have breakfast. It's funny how the body is trained to remember these things even when we're fast asleep.

There was no croissant or coffee for two this time.

We checked in and out of hotel rooms as if it were going out of fashion. I guess staying at my folks place wasn't exactly Canoodle Centre, if ya know what i mean. I could almost feel the tension in the air at one point. Maybe it was the post Christmas stress or anxiety that was contained but we surely needed to find some place else to stay. And what turned out to be a day trip by the little man made island down South ended with us checking whether they had availability before we ran off to the Boutique Hotel.

Nothing really was planned except for the bookings but somehow it all worked out.

All the little adventures in between took place somewhat effortlessly. Running around like tourists and pointing at various spots on the map, now that i look back at it... i had such a good time and it gave me a taste of what it might be like to share a life with someone. And considering this is probably the longest stretch of time i've spent with one person, i think we did quite well. Obvious that every couple has their downfalls, proof that it's not all Care Bears and Rainbows 24/7 but we made the most of the time even with the moods and all. I couldn't have asked for more.

And yes, i am very grateful to have had the time we had and find myself reminiscing every other waking minute.

I think the pinnacle of the holiday was our last minute 2-night, 3 days stay at the little man made island. Listening to relaxing house tunes blaring by the huge speakers, perched on the high tables at the smoking section by the beach with coconut scented tanning oil on our skin and beer in our hands... it oozed R.E.L.A.X.A.T.I.O.N. And with the sun setting in the background... it was simply perfect.

It was moments like those that i will remember and remind myself that i should be thankful for so many things in my life. And perhaps our situations aren't exactly ideal for fruitful easy development but one thing i realised, one can never plan these kinds of things or expect too much, it's usually the simple things in Life that are taken for granted and one should appreciate the company of loved ones as well as be grateful for moments of happiness and peace in a world that is forever in a rush and motivated by stress.

And although we didn't get to witness fireworks at the turn of the year, i admit i had hoped to have the whole package complete but it didn't work out, it was probably one of the most quietest celebration i've had all my life. But you know, i'd have to say it worked out just fine.

It's funny how Routine and Plans seem to dictate how one should live their life. I guess with previous New Years i had always assumed it should be full of colour, bright lights and loud noise but if you think about it, if you strip away all these things and just have someone you like/love, friends or family beside you, it's far more affective than any other artificial means of decoration/amusement.

So on that note, i'd like to wish my silent readers a very happy and peaceful 2008.

Apologise - One Republic ft. Timbaland