TIme to getaway.

As some of you have probably noticed, there's been a bit of a shift in my latest choice in topics. And for those of you who don't really know me, well my mates can testify that YES, my thoughts ARE usually in the gutter [ain't that right Chook?] And maybe, JUST maybe the old Chrissie is finally making a comeback. Hmmmm... i wonder.

Anyway, i've been doing relatively better. Although not 100% [but then again, what is perfect nowadays]. It's only been a few days that my dark cloud has momentarily vanished but for as long as this 'change' stays... I can honestly say, i am glad.

I'm still skeptical about the whole feng shui and clearing of the clutter deal but hey, if it's gonna bring luck my way, or in my case, contentment, i'm not complaining.

Maybe the stars are colliding or someone or something out there, is giving me a break. [whispers: THANK YOU]. Or maybe, the meds are kicking in again [highly likely]. But ya know, i'm taking each day as it comes. It's funny how people take for granted the little things in life.

Tomorrow is a new day.

And day after tomorrow, is Merdeka [August 31st, Malaysia's Independence day]. So whilst my daemons go on their long weekend getaway without me, my only wish is that they extend their holiday.

In the mean time, i will wave my invisible Malaysian flag despite the fact that i'm not Malaysian and celebrate the country's Independence at the Merdeka Street Party in Ipoh with my boys/best mates; Bass Agents, DJ Drive and Vanessa Mae.

Now we all know!

And before you start wondering, "OMFG does Chrissie think of anything else BUT sex?" Well, yes. But majority of the time my mind swims in the gutter, so i might as well share with you something that a colleague of mine showed me over Korean lunch yesterday [how that has any relation, i have no idea] but i thought it was blog worthy.

Enjoy.

Has it Ended yet?

I dreamt of Death last night. And no this is not a sick and twisted entry...

I can't remember the whole dream but i do remember lying next to some woman and no this is not leading to some fucked up fetish... are you mad? That's just plain nasty! In my dream, apparently i knew her but for the life of me, i don't recognise her.

She's reading a book out loud and i'm lying beside her. And suddenly, she stops speaking. I look up and gaze in her direction and she is a chapter away from saying, 'The End'. And just like that, her Life ends without warning.

I turn to get the attention of someone and i look down at her still body. And although i have never visited a morgue. In my dream, i can smell Death. It can't be anymore than 5 minutes but already her body is decaying.

I wake up and my eye hurts. It's been tearing since yesterday. Great, i rawk up to work in a sombre mood with a puffy right eye... THAT'S attractive.

But Death has always been looked at as something negative and bad. My subconscious finds way of dictating and representing parts of my Life. And although it is a common dream, i find this site... And although i have dreamt of Death in the past and soon after, somebody i knew or a family member had passed on. But i am inclined to believe that it "means in most cases the ending to something in one’s life."

"It could also mean that it could be the end of a person’s worries. The worries will die in a sense. The cause of the worry will cease to exist." I can only hope.

If only...

The chances of anyone seeing me wear a boob tube or dress that that has no straps... is borderline of zero. Maybe because i always imagined someone with a decent sized cup size to be flaunting their stuff... and no i don't mean jugs the size of water melons but i'm talking about a decent profile minus the beer gut.

But unfortunately, i do not fall within that category. But there is something alluring about a corset that i find so appealing and damn right sexxxy, that maybe... JUST MAYBE one day i will have enough guts to purchase, whether i wear it, is a completely different story. Although, with the help of a corset, all that extra skin can be nicely tucked away and bound from sight.

And who better to model it than the gorgeous Fetish Queen herself, Miss Masuimi Max.

*Blushes*

And in light of my recent topic... i decided to do yet another online test... yes procrastination can do wonders with your time. So what Type are you? ahahhaha!!! [OK seriously, i should get my mind outta the gutter for JUST a moment].

TYPE P
You scored 91 imagination, 54 confidence, 62 dominance, and 70 generosity!
You are a KINKY, CONFIDENT, DOMINANT lover who prefers to give.

This means that:
You like relatively kinky sex, and you have the great imagination that will always keep your partner guessing and excited! There's no getting bored with you around, you could never settle for dull sex, you want something fun and new all the time. You aren't afraid to try out anything you hear about. You might just be an intelligent lover who needs to be mentally engaged, or perhaps you have some dirty dark secret kinky desires, but either way, you're never boring.

You are pretty confident in bed. This means that you know you can please your lover. Maybe you've read a lot of sex manuals, or have the experience from previous lovers, or just tend to be skilled at whatever you get your hands on, but you're good and you know it. You can really get results and know that you have pure talent, so you won't be hiding away shy, pretending to be all innocent. Your partners love your naughty self assurance, you don't hesitate and this makes you a sensational lover.

You tend to be dominant in bed, so you prefer to be the one giving the orders than taking them. Maybe you like the power, or just like controlling the pace, perhaps your partner likes to be dominanted, or maybe you get a kick out of the whole master/slave relationship, it could be something as small as liking to be on top during sex and tie up your lover to tease them, or it could be as kinky as them having to ask your permission to do anything at all. Either way, you are firm and you enjoy it!

You prefer to give than recieve. This makes you a very unselfish lover, devoted to the needs of your partner rather than your own. You get your pleasure from seeing them get theirs, you are a model sex partner. I'm sure plenty of people would love to have someone like you in bed with them! Remember though that if your partner gets pleasure from returning the favour it's okay to let them, they might love giving as much as you do!

WE SUGGEST YOU:
get into some slightly more hardcore fantasy territory. Go for bondage in a not so light and fluffy way and discover just what you really like. Want to play master/slave games? Want to be tied up or tie someone up, in just enough discomfort that they don't quite relax? Want to try a threesome? Maybe you'd even like to try out sado-masochism. It's your call. Whatever you do, unleash that kinky thing you've always really wanted to try and give it a go, you're a great lover, and you know it, up for anything, generous, imaginative, confident, and happy to go for what you want, so enjoy.

My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:

	You scored higher than 82% on imagination
	You scored higher than 26% on confidence
	You scored higher than 77% on dominance
	You scored higher than 85% on generosity

Link: The What's your sexual style? Test written by lu-mina on OkCupid Free Online Dating, home of the 32-Type Dating Test

ooOOoooer... Mistress.

Was chatting to r47z on MSN and somehow the topic of the day was S.E.X, which eventually moved onto what kind of person am i [and no i will not reveal what i said]. Then i went onto saying that my alter ego would be some Dominatrix and how fascinating i find it. But then again, what goes on in my head does NOT necessarily mean i want to act upon it. Or do i? ahahha.

Hmmm... could i? Could i be one of them Mistresses that wears latex and heels that could be used as a lethal weapon. Could i be the dominant one and get into role playing and make my 'guy' do things he wouldn't ordinarily do?

Then i thought, why not i take a quiz... and here are my results...

Professional Domme
You scored 67% Dominance and 71% Technique!

You clearly know your way around the dungeon. You're probably pretty good with ropes, handcuffs, and all the rest of it. You may even have a small collection of toys already.

Having said all that, it doesn't look like your heart's 100% in it, at least not yet. But hang in there - the world needs more women like you :)

My test tracked 3 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:

	You scored higher than 68% on Dominance
	You scored higher than 73% on Technique
	You scored higher than 10% on Intangibles

Link: The Could You Be A Good Dominatrix Test written by powerstruggle on OkCupid Free Online Dating, home of the 32-Type Dating Test

PS don't worry, i don't own any latex or whips... teeeheee...

Happy 1st Birthday Hardsequence!

Pics courtesy of James, Wendy + Sandy.

Bass Agents [XT-Acid, Didjital, Ganjaguru], DarkRaverz: [DJ Drive, Learn, Bone].

Crew/Promoters: Christina, Eddy, Jeff, Ben aka Nottifish, Kok Wing aka Niekon, Coco, Nelson, Wei Chen, Mun Hon + Perry.

So close yet so far...

After passing out around 6am-ish. I woke up just before mid-day. Spent my Sunday avo... alone, watching DVDs with my new Wedgie DVD player... ehehhe. And not like that was energy consuming, i opted to take a nap instead of doing the rest of my laundry. It's great to not make any plans, i can lounge at home and do absolutely jack shit... and not feel guilty.

3 hours later, i find myself in front of the TV. Then 3 hours after that, i'm yawning again... and yes... i creeped back into my bedroom. And like clockwork 3 hours after that, it was 2.30am and i could hear the re-run of CSI on AXN.

So instead of forcing myself back to sleep, i decide to cruise online, hoping that it'll tire me out. Which reminds me, any time this week i shall be receiving my Maybank credit card [it sucks that being an expat makes it so much harder to get a card]. But it means two things 1) i will be getting my sexxxy black mac book 2) i'll get myself a digital camera. All thanks to the easy payment scheme.

oooOOoooer, i'm so excited! I'm thinking the MacBook pro would be heaps nicer... 15" screen as opposed to 13.3" and all the other benefits... hmmm... i guess beggers can't be choosers.

C.O.N.C.E.N.T.R.A.T.E! If i stick with the black macbook it means, that i can save a little bit more and contribute it towards the Chrissie-does-Melbourne-again fund in March 2007.

Oh well... I should really TRY and get my arse back into bed cause i can't afford to be late for work.

It's so different but it's the same.

The past weekend has to be one of those spur of the moments kinda deals.

I woke up on Saturday still in a domesticating come house wife mode and attempted to tidy up what mess i managed to make the night before. And half way through i get a call from MissSeniorPisces. She calls to see what i'm up to and whether she can pop over to use my pool.

So whilst she soaked in some heat, i continued to rearrange my crap from one corner of my place and shift it to a not so visible area. We continued to talk about our failed past relationships and how we must try and improve ourselves. And even though i just met her, we get along like a house on fire. And strangely, in some psychic pisces way, it's like looking at my emotional mirror.

But as the day moves on, my mission for the daywas to buy beads for my bean bag and a DVD player. The previous one i had [for about a day] was totally ghetto and kept switching off whenever it was on... i tell ya, she had a mind of its own. So off we went to One Utama and made our way into Giant [much like an Asian version of a Kmart or Target and at low prices].

Two plus hours later and a full shopping trolley full of groceries, towels [specifically for the pool, the pool that i've been to twice in the past 3 months], a Wedgie [but spelt Weige] DVD player and bag bean beads, i was knackered as all fuck. I had a shopping list of 5 items but as usual, came out with a shit load more.

But i wondered who would be at Zouk since Cosmic Gate was playing and to add to the whole 'spur of the moments'. Made a few calls and messages to my mates. And then Stoopidfish and Wingboy picked me up within the hour.

And as usual we made our way to Terrace [it had been ages since i was at Terrace drinkin' with the boys]. And now they have these mini barrels that contains about 2 jugs and a bit, and customers can practise their beer pouring skills with the inbuilt tap.

3 barrels later, we made it inside, i was nicely intoxicated. Then i moved on to whiskey + water and by the end of the night, i was quite wasted but in complete control.

chrissieee + turbokit + mc jovieee.
~ Courtesy of Wendy

One of Three Bass Agents + Pimpstress
~ Courtesy of Sandycute

Sandycute + Chrissie
~ Courtesy of Sandycute

Squeezy pic
~ Courtesy of Sandycute

More beeeeeeer
~ Courtesy of Sandycute

I can't remember at what point i left but bumped into one of my "friends" and his mate and next thing i know, i'm texting Supastar to say that i'm getting a lift with someone else.

I get home and well... things lead to another... old habits are hard to break.

It's like a dirty secret and in the presence of the public, nobody would know the truth. Why should they? It's my life and our secret. I choose to keep some things private. But then again, these kind of deals are usually hush, hush and rarely spoken about. And as much as i find it quite wrong, there's something damn right sexy that it makes it so much more exciting.

Personally i feel it's a a mutual thing although once upon a time, silly Pisces stupidly got her emotions mixed up and our dirty secret became more intense. And i think it freaked him out, although he will never admit it. After spending the night, he says he couldn't do it anymore... and came out with the whole "we are friends" motivational speech. And although, i was never wanting anything more from whatever was going on... i couldn't help but feel R.E.J.E.C.T.E.D.

But months later, it is evident that things do change and although i see no future in this, i don't expect anything from it and vice versa. Yet still, i feel no emotions. It was just two wasted individuals in need for some good old fashion fun and we both know deep inside, we like it that way.

Friends with benefits.

Sometimes i wonder, do people use that term as an excuse so they don't have to commit to something bigger? Both parties using each other for one sole purpose. There is no 'making love', it's just pure, raw fucking [pardon the crudeness].

As much as i would like to be in a relationship, i wonder whether or not i remember how it's like to BE a girlfriend. My previous relationship was based on a solid friendship and yes i admit we were at it like rabbits every chance we got [frollicks down memory lane momentarily]. As time went on, we knew each others' likes, dislikes, fears and secrets.

Although it's nice to have someone to hold your hand while you walk from point A to point B. And to pick up the phone to hear your partners' voice on the other line. And to make up silly words that only you and your 'beau' can understand and relate to. I'm sure it's great to know that after a night out, one can get tucked under the doona and be kissed good night.

But the concept of fuck buddies [as it is known as], gives two people the gratification that A) they screwed someone B) they know that there's no strings attached C) both parties can just go on with their daily routines, without having to go through that awkward dating process. And unlike one night stands where one wakes up the next day, SOBER and in some strangers' bed, can be quite terrifying [that is, if you actually stay the night].

Perhaps it's just selfish and a way to protect oneself from being hurt. And if the only thing these two people have in common is that they like to get down and dirty, i say... hell yeah. And knowing that you're friends with the other makes it easier to tone down the emotions. Although it does help that the individual finds the other sexually attractive. I mean, isn't that why he/she is a friend with benefits?

But i do wonder, as i sit in front of my computer silently trying to type this out. My "friend" lies ever so peacefully on my couch.

I guess all that tidying up the day before FINALLY DID wonders in bringing in a good flow of Qi [chi] and being categorised as a Packrat... i must therefore "...focus on getting rid of the old to make room for the new..."

Motivation in Progress.

Seriously, i'm like one of those bag ladies.

And i don't mean those chicks that collect branded hand bags as though it's a stamp collection. Or have disposable income spewing out of their arses like a faulty faucet [ok, not a pretty visual but you know what i mean]. I'm talking about those homeless hobos that scrummage the streets and pick up random items, with the intention of using it but often forgets and it just collects dust amongst all the other useless items. AND NO, i'm not homeless... i do have a roof over my head.

It's taken me over 3 months to clear away bags [filled with my past work] which lined the wall as i enter my apartment. Perhaps it's my lack of motivation and it seems almost unnecessary for me to tidy. The fact that the only person looking at my crap on a daily basis is, me. Yes, how sad... boo fuckin' hoo.

So until i get hold of a new DVD player, t.v, Astro and my iPod will be my company for the weekend. And i will attempt to spring clean the rest of my place. Perfect time to clear away the clutter before this SHORT LIVED MOTIVATION desire goes on holiday... again!

But i'm proud to say, that i've spent the past 3 hours tidying up and doing the one thing, i dislike doing... disgarding items that i don't need. Hey... you never know when you'll need those random past receipts [from 2003-5] or A4 sheets with scribbles on it.

And after 3 months, of staring at a standing light that i never bothered to switch on. I did some rearranging and found out it has a dimmer... [yes, little things in life excite me]. Perfect, as i prefer my surroundings to be softly lit, NOT TOO dim otherwise i'll fall asleep... TRUST ME! So the idea of a romantic candle lit dinner is a complete NO-NO as i can't concentrate under "schleepy lights"... ahahha... yea, it's a bit strange, I KNOW.

Surprisingly, i sit at home on a Friday evening, which ordinarily at this time i'd be racing into the shower and searching for some outfit, but i have no urge to go clubbing. I am totally comfortable being confined at home rather than be in room full of strangers who are wasted and who look like they have something to prove.

And at this point in time, i'd rather not be in the presence of others, for the fear that i may ruin their evening. And will just frustrate me further. So i'm doing everyone a favor.

So after burning a sandlewood incense cone, the air that i breathe is now stained with a subtle hint of relaxation and nicotine. But the only thing missing is a glass of nice wine. Although, i do have a choice between Carlsberg, Bombay Sapphire, Johnnie Black + Red, Malibu, Kahluha or Bacardi Limon... oh and orange + grapefruit juice.

Hmmmm... decisions, decisions.

HS rawks MY world!

SATURDAY, 2nd SEPTEMBER 2006

HARDSEQUENCE celebrated their ONE year anniversary recently and it could only be described as 'sensational'. We would like to thank you all for your continuous love & support in the past year. And it is because of YOU, that HARDSEQUENCE continues to grow.

Looking forward, September is jam packed with even more talent. Hard hitting beats for the wicked and harder generation!

xox

If, i had a choice, I would...

Ali vs. Abortion

Ya gotta love Ali. G... Cheers BUDDY for the link... ;)

Swimming in the gutter

I like reading up on star signs. [Maybe it's the fish in me that's bursting with fruit flavor].

Some may even say it's all bollicks and the reason why two individuals are compatible is just a coincidence and their personalities get along. And perhaps they were born in a bubble of friendliness which oozes out like camembert cheese on summer's day.

Well whatever it is, there has to be some ounce of truth in it. Looking at relationships with past lovers, friends or colleagues, it doesn't surprise me that those individuals whom i've had some weird connection with, happen to have birthdays that fall on a certain zodiac signs. AND no, i don't purposely go out to look for these people, somehow i am magically drawn to them and it so happens that our signs are 'friends'. And based on the L.O.V.E compatibility, HIM and i were:

Pisces & VIRGO: This is your polar attraction. It can be extremely perverse in the bedroom, but difficult at a mental level. You are impractical and this will really try the Virgoans patience.

OoooOooer *blushes* ... teeeheee.

And according to this site it states, that "Pisces has the most active sexual fantasy life. [Which may explain why my mind is always in the gutter... ]... ahahha... hmmm.

They say pisceans gets along with Scorpios, Cancers and fellow pisceans. And characteristics of a typical Piscean, both a weakness and strenghth, are dreamy and live their life based on intuition, imagination and ones' feeling. "Our feelings are flowing as they connect the present with past experiences."

It seems almost 'safer' to live in a fantasy world than to face the harsh reality. Which could explain, why i sometimes retreat to the safety of my sanctuary, away from the critical views of the public.

And i read on this one site, our moto is "Reality is just a shared illusion" and that "sometimes this becomes a struggle for you compassionate Fish, who can feel the pain of the world as if it were your own."

How true.

And did you know that all Pisceans [February 16 - March 18] are different depending when he/she is born. Those who celebrate their year in February may have different characteristics compared to those March babies.

The zodiac position that i fall in is apparently between 19-28 degree [whatever that means], i know it's March 15th to be exact. And after reading, i couldn't help but stumble upon this paragraph.

"They are good listeners and are quite able to relate to and make sense of other people’s points of view. They can be unstable and unrealistic in their romantic relationships and often get involved with the wrong partner."

Hmmmm double HMMMMM.

And i end it off with their advice:

Be more demanding of yourself in your personal development, and contribute actively to the life around you. Beware of neglecting to build a firm foundation. There is a limit to what you are capable of overcoming- make life easier for yourself, and be willing to compromise when necessary.

Lost: clipboard

I've just spent the last *counts*... 3+ hours doing the accounts for the HS presales and promoters share. And because i am special, i've managed to do my own head in within that time frame. Yes, more evidence to show that i am better off earning a living as a Designer rather than pushing numbers as an accountant.

Seriously, this is what i get for not doing the calculations for the last 3 events.

A DEFINITE lesson to be learnt: At the end of the night, make sure you have all your belongings and that none of your mates have my schtuff... cause you'll never know when you will get it back. [I blame my forgetfullness... hmmmph].

But what's totally pissing me off is, SOMEHOW, SOME mysterious way, the clipboard [which usually gets put together with the other clipboards] and has the list of which promoter managed to get a package sold, has gone M.I.S.S.I.N.G.

I'm hoping that it's still shoved somewhere underneath the console or was left in the dressing room and the club was kind enough to hold on to it for me. Please, please, pleeeeease.

*chants* if i WERE a yellow clipboard, where oh where would i be?

I've pretended like nothing happened

I've done many things that most people would be ashamed to admit • I've lied to people that i care about • I've cheated • I've felt guilty • I've said sorry • I've kissed strangers • I've forgotten their names • I've pashed their partners • I've had one night stands • I've wanted more • I've done it in public • I've got no shame • I've been the friend with benefits • I've been your secret • I've been rejected numerous times • I've cried • I've wished we were together • I've fallen in and out of love • I've got many fantasies • I've lived in a fantasy world • I've fantasized about you • I've never told you • I've wished it were you and i • I've gotten nervous when you were around • I've wanted you for quite some time • I've given up trying.

Tap... tap... tap...

On my way to lunch today, MissSeniorPisces and i got onto the topic of the classic Wizard of Oz with Judy Garland [i have no idea what sparked the conversation]. How we both wished we had red, ruby shoes and we could click our heels 3 times and disappear. THERE'S NO PLACE LIKE HOME, THERE'S NO PLACE LIKE HOME, THERE'S NO PLACE LIKE HOME. Then somehow the conversation steered towards relationships.

We continued to bitch about how some guys today, resembles the characters; the tin man with no heart, the lion with no courage and the straw man for straw for brains.

And we continued on about how freaky the wicked witch of the East looked and how it scared the living crap out of me as a kid. Seriously, that green make up and evil cackle would stir up nightmares and fears in anyone!

And we both agreed that by the time Dorothy got to Emerald City, it was just boring and how the Wizard irritated me pretending to be some huge, confident person [head], when in reality he was this scared little old man hiding behind a big mic and a fancy set up. Hmmm sounds familiar.

But that's not all... as we continued on to grumble about our lives and how crap we felt. A blind woman was walking the opposite direction. The lady mumbled something about directions and MissSeniorPisces went up to her to ask her what was wrong.

She needed directions to Aeon Bank. So being the nice individuals we are, our Wizard of Oz convo was put on hold and we put the needs of others ahead of our own.

As the poor blind lady gripped her sweaty hand on MissSeniorPisces' arm, i walked alongside her like a body guard. In fear that perhaps she WASN'T blind at all and was really out to mug both of us. And after we turned the corner, away from clear view of the public, this old woman would do some judo arm twist on MissSeniorPisces arm and bash me repeatedly with her walking stick... hahahah... hmmm.

Yes i know, that's so bad but with all the shit going on in both of our heads, negative thoughts and pessimism were on overdrive. And you can never be too careful nowadays.

And within those 5 or so minutes, we learned that the blind lady had just come from Brickfields and this was her first day out on her own without a chaperone. She hinted that she wanted to have lunch because she recommended the coffee shop beside the bank and wanted my colleague to join her. But we said, we were on our way to lunch. But once she made it up and down the steps... she said she was fine. And we bid our farewells.

And just like that, we felt like good citizens. We couldn't stop crackin' up over it during lunch and when i told her about how i thought she would bash me with her walking stick, she agreed and thought the same.

The optomist would say, that Life ain't that bad afterall, imagine losing one of your senses. Well whatever it is this avo two Pisceans did a good deed and for a brief moment, we felt like we made a difference in someone's life.

WELL DONE CHRISSIE!

Neither HERE Nor THERE.

So i lived through the past 12 hours. [Not like anything dramatic was going to happen to me between this early morning's emotional vomit and me sitting at my desk trying to meet my deadline]. But still... i made it.

Woke up this morning and lay on my bed for a good hour. Not fazed that i was going to be late for work. And pressed the snooze button at least a dozen times [and no it didn't occur to me to ACTUALLY switch the damn thing off]. Eventually, jumped into the shower and later stood in front of my wardrobe tossing between the MadameFuneral look or MissCreativity.

Hmmm... So i DID the DeathCameToMyDoorstep look yesterday...

PERHAPS MissTomboySlashDesigneryBitch look would be a good for a Tuesday.

So decked up in my Gap slippers [which i practically live in], Paul Frank specs, boy black 3/4, white GREASE MONKEY TYPOGRAPHY t-shirt, rainbow belt, LuckyRedBalls necklace and hair that even astroboy would be proud of, i exited my sanctuary.

Finally getting a cab and within minutes reaching my office. I slipped past and cushioned my arse on my seat. And the morning ritual began before i actually start being semi-productive:

• Launch MSN
• Check personal email [yahoo + gmail]
• Check on my blog
• Check my blogs' stats [yes i am obsessed at looking at the graph] + comments etc
• Check various forums
  
• Read my friends' blogs
• Check Multiply.com
• Check Friendster.com
• Check office email... MAYBE =)

And after reading my sudden outburst of colourful words 11 hours ago. It dawned on me, how horrible it is for my readers to read such negativity. I mean, i write for MYSELF and i admit, it is a process i go through in order to try and heal myself. But at the same time, i write for those who bother to return to my blog to read about my daily affairs. Yes, deep down i am considerate of others.

And remembering what a BUDDY of mine said to me recently, and that is i have to stay Positive to keep him from being so Negative. So here is my post... if i can make another beings' Life a little more tolerable then maybe, JUST MAYBE, it will HELP ME to live through my day.

Celebrate Merdeka with BA + Drive in Ipoh!

My boys are at it again... this time with Vanessa Mae...

My daemons are here to play!

I'm sure some of you out there have been following my daily issues and current battle with my daemons, have noticed a change in my tone of voice in my posts.

I know EVERYONE has their own problems and each person out there will have 101 things to prove that their life is a lot worse than the others... and you know what, maybe they're right, MAYBE their life is shit. Maybe they made wrong choices in life or their family treats them with no respect or they realised that their career is fucked up... EVERYONE has something to bitch about and everyones' fucked up some part of their life.

The only difference between me and the other person is they don't have this fucked up thing called D.E.P.R.E.S.S.I.O.N. Yes we all 'say' we're depressed and things are shitty... BUT do YOU REALLY know what it's like to live in the shoes of someone who suffers from this mind crippling mental illnes? I tell you, it's one of the worst fucking feelings in the world! [If you can call it A feeling].

Unless you've recovered or is currently battling the same thing or have felt a pinch of what it's like to feel so utterly disgusted with yourself for no apparent reason and SO low... YOU WILL NEVER KNOW HOW HORRIBLE IT IS! And even if you ATTEMPT to understand, try multiplying it by at least five or any odd number and live every damn minute of your day TRYING to remind yourself that life is WORTH living despite knowing that you have a loving supportive family and people who care for you.

And worst part is, NOT knowing WHEN it's going to be over. And NO it's not as easy as fucking snapping out of it... if it were that easy, i would have snapped out of it a long time ago. AND NO, it's not as easy as saying "it'll be ok". Seriously, that's the LAST THING any person in my state of mind wants to hear. Of course i know it'll be ok... isn't that what's supposed to happen at the end of all this? Isn't that what medication is for?

I FUCKING HATE IT.

It's come to the point that i can't even keep eye contact with someone long enough without having to look away and the concept of "if i don't see them, then they can't see me", is keeping me from bursting into tears at any moment.

No it's NOT PMS... trust me, i know the difference. If i knew what was wrong with me, i wouldn't be like this. I don't choose depression... it chose me.

And the fucked up part is my shrink has gone to the States cause her daughter is giving birth so she'll be away for at least 2 or 3 weeks. My next appointment is in one and a half months.

I am hoping to all good things in life and for any god out there who is listening [although i am a non-practising Catholic], that SOME miracle out there will take this daemon away from me... I DON'T WANT IT!

I'm NOT talking about being in love because i am slowly giving up on that. Forget that i've kept many secrets and pretended like NOTHING HAPPENED just so i wouldn't get myself into trouble and for the person to remain 'somewhat' innocent. I'm talking about being H.A.P.P.Y.

People take for granted the little things in life and Happiness is one of them.

I appreciate those individuals who are in my life right now. I love my family and those whom i call my best friends... and believe me, i don't have that many people whom i trust. I can probably count 3 or 4 NOT including my own family. I have so much love for them and are so grateful that they say, they'll always be there for me... they don't have to say anything... i want to say how grateful i am to have them in my life. If anything, those are the only things that's keeping me alive.

But i've never told them face to face because it's almost embarressing for me to bust out with... "hey, you know what, i love you"... without their girlfriend or friends giving me the evil eye.

Even being at the dinner just now which was intended for the HS family but ended up having the extended family + their friends, i didn't feel right. You have NO idea how much of an effort it was to agree to have a drink at Laundry... it's not laziness, i don't know what the fuck it is. But whatever it is, i FUCKING HATE IT. Then after my 2nd beer, i realised i HAD to go home. The thought of being out in the open suddenly freaked me out... i wanted to burst into a thousand tears. I had to leave so abruptly! [Thank you chook for driving me home].

I need to be alone but i've never felt so A LONE. But i'm feeling really über shitty right now, so you'll have to excuse the sudden emotional vomit. I just needed to get this out of my system.

Good evening and good night... *exhale*

Me LIKES Veer

AuntieAnBloodyMum showed me this site... that has the coolest merch for sale. The stereotype that those in the creative line LOVE to wear black [i know i do *blushes*] will find this amusing [i know i did]. And those who were drilled as a student to learn the following terms when talking about Typography will appreciate the following...




And this is dedicated to those who appreciate typography. AND yes those default fonts found on your PC such as Arial, Times New Roman and Helvetica are damn right YUCK!




And this zipped jacket perfectly explains what kerning is. [Yes it is VERY IMPORTANT when laying out copy and creating type based logos]. Basically it's like 'AntFucking' a term i learned from my university lecturer, it's attention to detail and so miniscule but it makes a world of difference... TRUST ME! Yes call me a perfectionist but i can spend hours antfucking my typography til my face turns blue... it's DAMN ANNOYING!




And my ultimate favorite is...

"It’s word association. You say “I’m a designer,” and they hear “I draw pictures all day.” It would take too long to explain what you really do, so take the words right out of their mouth and wear them proudly. As rumors go, this one isn’t half bad. Perfect in army green, for soldiering through misperceptions."

[Despite the fact that i don't know even know WHERE my pencil is and my sketches only make sense to me... ahahah...]. *I wonder if they have this T in black?*

Only problem is they DON'T ship them out outside North America. So sad... boohoo. I WANT!

It's all over red rover.

Last night was Hardsequence's ONE year anniversary and what a night it was. The days leading up to the big day was non-stop bookings for presales and packages. Along with the 101 similar questions such as;

• How much does it cost? Presales are RM25 BUT you must be there BEFORE 11.30pm.
  
• Where do i pick up the tickets? Just come to Ruums and we'll have our counter there, just say you're on either Eddy or Christina's presale list and we'll look you up.
  
• If 18, can go in ah? Nope sorry. It's 19 years and above.
  
• What is the package? The Anniversary package consist of a T-shirt + Free Anniversary CD + Entry into Ruums + 1 drink coupon.
  
• Are you Ruums Club? No. I'm the Hardsequence Head promoter.
  

Which is totally fine but having to repeat yourself over and over and over gets a BIT tiring.

For instance, i've received numerous calls asking whether there's any job openings for the club. Even one woman trying to have a conversation with me in Mandarin and me continuously having to repeat, I... SPEAK... ENGLISH ONLY and making hand gestures hoping that it may help [even though she can't see my hands and for eavesdroppers i end up sounding like a parrot that speaks broken English].

Eventually, i manage to get the message across that i am JUST a Hardsequence promoter and not attached to the club. But fumble through my bag to find a HS flyer with the club's number on it and pass it to them.

But that's not all, also receiving messages at 4 o'clock in the morning asking for presales or asking questions [possibly during their intoxicated night out and only just remembering that they need to book presales]. Sersiously, sometimes i think people don't know that i actually have a day job and that i'm not working at Ruums.

Well, the anniversary was nothing short but spectacular! We opened at 9pm and it got pretty crazy at one point because there were a lot of bookings for the T-shirts. Unfortunately due to the high demand, there wasn't enough sizes and limited colours available. So it was a tad stressful as my brain wasn't in working order and trying to stay patient whilst they decide which colour is best.

My attempt at pulling a happy face apparently didn't work. Since everyone i spoke to or saw me noticed that i wasn't my 'normal' self and looked stressed. Weeks of excitement leading to our anniversary and when the day finally arrives, and i was feeling like utter shit! At one point during the day, i even considered not going... believe it or not but it did enter my mind. But my responsibilities for being at the counter takes priority, so i mentally psyched myself up so i could think positive.

Chrissie + Miss Sandy
~Courtesy of Sandycute

By the time we closed the counter and packed up. I made my way inside just in time for the birthday song. And as i stood there with my beer, i looked up at the projected visuals and Didjital had put together pictures from our first Hardsequence event at Cream. And i saw the boys up there cheering and revving up the crowd and i felt so proud... there was a moment that i did get a bit emotional but i didn't cry.

Happy Birthday...

It's like that...
~courtesy of Wendy

It's still like that...
~courtesy of Wendy

Miss laineylashes + missy chrissie
~courtesy of Wendy

me + wendy + amanda + didi =p
~courtesy of Wendy

THANK YOU!
~Courtesy of Wendy + Sandycute

The club was decked up with two massive lit stars, like those found at raves in Melbourne. There were lights, balloons and confetti for the birthday song. It was truly a great set up and much thanks to Chook's contacts and a group effort to get the night running smoothly.

And after 12 months we're still going strong and growing! We have a great group of people working together. Each with their own responsibilities in order to get each Hardsequence night a success. And over the past year plus, i have dedicated most of my free time and energy towards HS. Why? Because i love it and i love seeing punters on the dance floor absolutely having a sic time. Maybe i use it as an excuse so i don't have to focus on my own problems *shrugs*

In a way, it's like a selfish way of trying to absorb THEIR positivity in order to lessen my negativity. And at the club i am not forced to speak with anyone and i can just lose myself with the music. It's like it's just me and the DJ... and in HS' case, it's like me spending the evening with my best friends.

Pimpin for my boys: Team Bass Agents
~Courtesy of Sandycute

Team DarkRaverz

~Courtesy of Sandycute

But my night was thrown into a fucked up state because i had THOUGHT that money had gone missing from my bag [which was up on the console] because my zipper was open. So there was no after party for me and i was fuming over it to the point where any built up frustrations just multiplied instantly.

I went to bed angry and passed out after typing an angry post [but decided not publish it]. I woke up still in a fucked up mood and decided that i'd go to the pool. So with fucked up hair and smudged eyeliner still on, i put on my sunnies and bikini and trotted along.

Then later ordered a large Domino's thin crust vegetarian pizza with no onions + extra mushrooms... AND ATE IT ALL in one go. Fat food is sooOooo good when you're feeling a little under the weather. And being the slob that i am, i'm still in my swimwear lounging around because i can't be fucked to change.

I had forgotten what it was like to wake up sober on a Sunday.

1996

I lied. I moved back to KL. I had a culture shock. I attended Sunway College. I started A-Levels. I was in a long distant relationship. I was in my 1st year relationship with my [then] boyfriend [which ended 8 years later]. I missed him. I cried. I clubbed at Boom Boom Room. I drank. I smoked. I lived at home. I made new friends. I wanted to be legal. I took driving lessons. I was in love. I kept secrets. I was more daring. I had older friends. I wore heels.