They say ones' past makes up who you are today.
Unfortunately, i am trying hard to forget certain chapters of my past. Even to the extent of temporarily removing people that i've shared numerous adventures with and who i consider as friends. Maybe that's unfair to them and they probably question my decisions but i have come to the point where i need to remove myself from anything that brings me back to my past. If i don't exclude them, i know i will think back and it'll continue to screw with my head.
But you know, at the end of the day i wouldn't change anything. Even the fuck ups, bad decision making, cheating, the lies, the mistakes, the tears... BUT i think without them, i would have developed into a very different, sheltered, more naive individual.
But i don't think it's possible to erase ones' past but if that's one way of trying to heal oneself then i say, Hell, why not? For years, i've focused my attention on Giving to others and to be honest, i do it because i love it. Nothing gives me more pleasure than to see others happy even if it means i absorb the consequences. Maybe it's a Pisces trait, i don't know. But it's come to the point where i'm running out of things to Give [as corny as that sounds, it's true].
But yes, everything is going in the right direction and moving forward but deep down... it's quite the opposite. And the more days that i have like this, the more tired i get [both emotionally and physically]. I have moments, where i think, i'm so tired of being me.
It's so much easier to show the world that one is happy. A permanent fixed smile that projects a positive outlook. Surrounded by people who feed off your positivity and charm. I mean seriously, who wants to be around someone who mopes around and frowns? I sure wouldn't want to.
As each calendar day passes, i'm unsure of who i am. And as each day that comes to an end, i close my eyes wondering how i will be when i wake up. What state of mind will i be in and what thoughts will pollute my brain during the day. Strange huh? It's as unpredictable as Melbourne's weather.
Unfortunately, i am trying hard to forget certain chapters of my past. Even to the extent of temporarily removing people that i've shared numerous adventures with and who i consider as friends. Maybe that's unfair to them and they probably question my decisions but i have come to the point where i need to remove myself from anything that brings me back to my past. If i don't exclude them, i know i will think back and it'll continue to screw with my head.
I am so VERY sorry. It hurts me more and i hope they understand why i must do this.
But you know, at the end of the day i wouldn't change anything. Even the fuck ups, bad decision making, cheating, the lies, the mistakes, the tears... BUT i think without them, i would have developed into a very different, sheltered, more naive individual.
But i don't think it's possible to erase ones' past but if that's one way of trying to heal oneself then i say, Hell, why not? For years, i've focused my attention on Giving to others and to be honest, i do it because i love it. Nothing gives me more pleasure than to see others happy even if it means i absorb the consequences. Maybe it's a Pisces trait, i don't know. But it's come to the point where i'm running out of things to Give [as corny as that sounds, it's true].
But yes, everything is going in the right direction and moving forward but deep down... it's quite the opposite. And the more days that i have like this, the more tired i get [both emotionally and physically]. I have moments, where i think, i'm so tired of being me.
It's so much easier to show the world that one is happy. A permanent fixed smile that projects a positive outlook. Surrounded by people who feed off your positivity and charm. I mean seriously, who wants to be around someone who mopes around and frowns? I sure wouldn't want to.
As each calendar day passes, i'm unsure of who i am. And as each day that comes to an end, i close my eyes wondering how i will be when i wake up. What state of mind will i be in and what thoughts will pollute my brain during the day. Strange huh? It's as unpredictable as Melbourne's weather.
And i am forced to accept it.
1 comment:
weird how i can relate to ur latest post once more. all i can say is that..we just gotta continue making the best out of what we've got..and if its possible..clear out the past which we try so hard to forget. and just hang in there :) cheers.
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