I'm sure some of you out there have been following my daily issues and current battle with my daemons, have noticed a change in my tone of voice in my posts.
I know EVERYONE has their own problems and each person out there will have 101 things to prove that their life is a lot worse than the others... and you know what, maybe they're right, MAYBE their life is shit. Maybe they made wrong choices in life or their family treats them with no respect or they realised that their career is fucked up... EVERYONE has something to bitch about and everyones' fucked up some part of their life.
The only difference between me and the other person is they don't have this fucked up thing called D.E.P.R.E.S.S.I.O.N. Yes we all 'say' we're depressed and things are shitty... BUT do YOU REALLY know what it's like to live in the shoes of someone who suffers from this mind crippling mental illnes? I tell you, it's one of the worst fucking feelings in the world! [If you can call it A feeling].
Unless you've recovered or is currently battling the same thing or have felt a pinch of what it's like to feel so utterly disgusted with yourself for no apparent reason and SO low... YOU WILL NEVER KNOW HOW HORRIBLE IT IS! And even if you ATTEMPT to understand, try multiplying it by at least five or any odd number and live every damn minute of your day TRYING to remind yourself that life is WORTH living despite knowing that you have a loving supportive family and people who care for you.
And worst part is, NOT knowing WHEN it's going to be over. And NO it's not as easy as fucking snapping out of it... if it were that easy, i would have snapped out of it a long time ago. AND NO, it's not as easy as saying "it'll be ok". Seriously, that's the LAST THING any person in my state of mind wants to hear. Of course i know it'll be ok... isn't that what's supposed to happen at the end of all this? Isn't that what medication is for?
I FUCKING HATE IT.
It's come to the point that i can't even keep eye contact with someone long enough without having to look away and the concept of "if i don't see them, then they can't see me", is keeping me from bursting into tears at any moment.
No it's NOT PMS... trust me, i know the difference. If i knew what was wrong with me, i wouldn't be like this. I don't choose depression... it chose me.
And the fucked up part is my shrink has gone to the States cause her daughter is giving birth so she'll be away for at least 2 or 3 weeks. My next appointment is in one and a half months.
I am hoping to all good things in life and for any god out there who is listening [although i am a non-practising Catholic], that SOME miracle out there will take this daemon away from me... I DON'T WANT IT!
I'm NOT talking about being in love because i am slowly giving up on that. Forget that i've kept many secrets and pretended like NOTHING HAPPENED just so i wouldn't get myself into trouble and for the person to remain 'somewhat' innocent. I'm talking about being H.A.P.P.Y.
People take for granted the little things in life and Happiness is one of them.
I appreciate those individuals who are in my life right now. I love my family and those whom i call my best friends... and believe me, i don't have that many people whom i trust. I can probably count 3 or 4 NOT including my own family. I have so much love for them and are so grateful that they say, they'll always be there for me... they don't have to say anything... i want to say how grateful i am to have them in my life. If anything, those are the only things that's keeping me alive.
But i've never told them face to face because it's almost embarressing for me to bust out with... "hey, you know what, i love you"... without their girlfriend or friends giving me the evil eye.
Even being at the dinner just now which was intended for the HS family but ended up having the extended family + their friends, i didn't feel right. You have NO idea how much of an effort it was to agree to have a drink at Laundry... it's not laziness, i don't know what the fuck it is. But whatever it is, i FUCKING HATE IT. Then after my 2nd beer, i realised i HAD to go home. The thought of being out in the open suddenly freaked me out... i wanted to burst into a thousand tears. I had to leave so abruptly! [Thank you chook for driving me home].
I need to be alone but i've never felt so A LONE. But i'm feeling really über shitty right now, so you'll have to excuse the sudden emotional vomit. I just needed to get this out of my system.
Good evening and good night... *exhale*
I know EVERYONE has their own problems and each person out there will have 101 things to prove that their life is a lot worse than the others... and you know what, maybe they're right, MAYBE their life is shit. Maybe they made wrong choices in life or their family treats them with no respect or they realised that their career is fucked up... EVERYONE has something to bitch about and everyones' fucked up some part of their life.
The only difference between me and the other person is they don't have this fucked up thing called D.E.P.R.E.S.S.I.O.N. Yes we all 'say' we're depressed and things are shitty... BUT do YOU REALLY know what it's like to live in the shoes of someone who suffers from this mind crippling mental illnes? I tell you, it's one of the worst fucking feelings in the world! [If you can call it A feeling].
Unless you've recovered or is currently battling the same thing or have felt a pinch of what it's like to feel so utterly disgusted with yourself for no apparent reason and SO low... YOU WILL NEVER KNOW HOW HORRIBLE IT IS! And even if you ATTEMPT to understand, try multiplying it by at least five or any odd number and live every damn minute of your day TRYING to remind yourself that life is WORTH living despite knowing that you have a loving supportive family and people who care for you.
And worst part is, NOT knowing WHEN it's going to be over. And NO it's not as easy as fucking snapping out of it... if it were that easy, i would have snapped out of it a long time ago. AND NO, it's not as easy as saying "it'll be ok". Seriously, that's the LAST THING any person in my state of mind wants to hear. Of course i know it'll be ok... isn't that what's supposed to happen at the end of all this? Isn't that what medication is for?
I FUCKING HATE IT.
It's come to the point that i can't even keep eye contact with someone long enough without having to look away and the concept of "if i don't see them, then they can't see me", is keeping me from bursting into tears at any moment.
No it's NOT PMS... trust me, i know the difference. If i knew what was wrong with me, i wouldn't be like this. I don't choose depression... it chose me.
And the fucked up part is my shrink has gone to the States cause her daughter is giving birth so she'll be away for at least 2 or 3 weeks. My next appointment is in one and a half months.
I am hoping to all good things in life and for any god out there who is listening [although i am a non-practising Catholic], that SOME miracle out there will take this daemon away from me... I DON'T WANT IT!
I'm NOT talking about being in love because i am slowly giving up on that. Forget that i've kept many secrets and pretended like NOTHING HAPPENED just so i wouldn't get myself into trouble and for the person to remain 'somewhat' innocent. I'm talking about being H.A.P.P.Y.
People take for granted the little things in life and Happiness is one of them.
I appreciate those individuals who are in my life right now. I love my family and those whom i call my best friends... and believe me, i don't have that many people whom i trust. I can probably count 3 or 4 NOT including my own family. I have so much love for them and are so grateful that they say, they'll always be there for me... they don't have to say anything... i want to say how grateful i am to have them in my life. If anything, those are the only things that's keeping me alive.
But i've never told them face to face because it's almost embarressing for me to bust out with... "hey, you know what, i love you"... without their girlfriend or friends giving me the evil eye.
Even being at the dinner just now which was intended for the HS family but ended up having the extended family + their friends, i didn't feel right. You have NO idea how much of an effort it was to agree to have a drink at Laundry... it's not laziness, i don't know what the fuck it is. But whatever it is, i FUCKING HATE IT. Then after my 2nd beer, i realised i HAD to go home. The thought of being out in the open suddenly freaked me out... i wanted to burst into a thousand tears. I had to leave so abruptly! [Thank you chook for driving me home].
I need to be alone but i've never felt so A LONE. But i'm feeling really über shitty right now, so you'll have to excuse the sudden emotional vomit. I just needed to get this out of my system.
Good evening and good night... *exhale*
2 comments:
You're most welcome mate...i'm sorry i dragged you out there in the 1st place....i just thought it'd be good to take you someplace not so crowded and noisy and have some good ol alcamahol ;)....i suppose it wasn't such a good idea. Apologies. Much luv and hugz.
Mate, you didn't drag me out kicking and screaming... i had the option and i THOUGHT it would be a good change. And apparently, it back fired.
Don't apologise... it's me, not you.
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