There are times i stumble upon blogs and get sucked into reading about their horrific past. How their abusive parents would inflict their anger upon them and constantly remind them they are the result of an 'accident' one drunken night. How their self esteem is crushed to smithereens and their confidence level is practically non-existent. But despite how fucked up their childhood was or how they managed to save themselves from committing suicide. They managed to live through it and i look at myself and my life and how fortunate i am.
I mean, i had a great childhood.
The youngest of two and with an age gap of five years. The first half of my life was spent in Europe and the other half shared between Asia and Australia.
And due to my father being in the hotel business, it only meant that his contracts would be for 2 or 3 years. After which time, he'd be relocated and/or a new job offer would come up. As he climbed the corporate ladder, my mother, sister and myself would pack up and travel to the next destination.
And as a kid, trying to adjust to a new school meant leaving behind all things familiar and ones' friends. Then trying to adjust to ones' surroundings all over again. I think in total i was enrolled in 10 different schools. And the older i got, the more difficult it was to make friends. Knowing that deep down, i was going to leave and what was the point of getting 'close' to anyone, when i'm going to say good-bye to them anyway.
I never had the luxury of growing up with my best friend from kindergarten. I never had the luxury of being friends with my neighbor's daughter, since a major portion of my life was spent at the apartment done up at one of the hotels my father was employed at. And although our apartment looked like any other apartment, only difference was our postal address had 'hotel' in it and we were greeted by bellboys and had the many luxuries at a touch of a button. I have some great memories there and each time i go there, it takes me back to my adolescent years.
But with such benefits, came some drawbacks.
I remember when i was 11 years old, i realised what it was like to feel used. We were living in a hotel at that time. And it seemed that, privacy was always one issue that irritated me. The staff would secretly keep a careful eye on us and like vicious rumors on the playground, the staff would gossip amongst themselves about what the G.M's family was up to. We grew up having to be on good behavior.
I would take advantage of using the hotel's facilities and often invite my 'friends' over for sleep overs [back when sleep overs was common]. And i remember one day at school, i got into a disagreement with one of my friends [over something stupid i can't remember] and in the heat of the argument she blurted out... "They're just USING you because of where YOU live!"
And then it dawned on me... Maybe she's right, was i blind not to see that?
And whether those people who i used to call 'friends' were really my friends, i wonder. It got me questioning my own personality. I was forced to grow up and realise that Life isn't all about nice smelling roses and cotton candy. I was different from everyone. And every new place we moved to, i was then hesitant to tell people of my residence. Fear of being taken advantage of and as a result, i find it VERY difficult to get close to people.
And when i reached 23, i made the decision to move out and conquer the corporate world. I was [and still am] convinced that i can do it ON MY OWN without the aid of my folks. Although i intend to pay them back the money i borrowed to start off my 'conquer the corporate world' mission.
But with my current mental unstability + growing medical expenses + lack of motivation towards life + lack of interest in past activities + increase in spending... i'm not so confident about where all of this is going.
I mean, i had a great childhood.
The youngest of two and with an age gap of five years. The first half of my life was spent in Europe and the other half shared between Asia and Australia.
And due to my father being in the hotel business, it only meant that his contracts would be for 2 or 3 years. After which time, he'd be relocated and/or a new job offer would come up. As he climbed the corporate ladder, my mother, sister and myself would pack up and travel to the next destination.
And as a kid, trying to adjust to a new school meant leaving behind all things familiar and ones' friends. Then trying to adjust to ones' surroundings all over again. I think in total i was enrolled in 10 different schools. And the older i got, the more difficult it was to make friends. Knowing that deep down, i was going to leave and what was the point of getting 'close' to anyone, when i'm going to say good-bye to them anyway.
I never had the luxury of growing up with my best friend from kindergarten. I never had the luxury of being friends with my neighbor's daughter, since a major portion of my life was spent at the apartment done up at one of the hotels my father was employed at. And although our apartment looked like any other apartment, only difference was our postal address had 'hotel' in it and we were greeted by bellboys and had the many luxuries at a touch of a button. I have some great memories there and each time i go there, it takes me back to my adolescent years.
But with such benefits, came some drawbacks.
I remember when i was 11 years old, i realised what it was like to feel used. We were living in a hotel at that time. And it seemed that, privacy was always one issue that irritated me. The staff would secretly keep a careful eye on us and like vicious rumors on the playground, the staff would gossip amongst themselves about what the G.M's family was up to. We grew up having to be on good behavior.
I would take advantage of using the hotel's facilities and often invite my 'friends' over for sleep overs [back when sleep overs was common]. And i remember one day at school, i got into a disagreement with one of my friends [over something stupid i can't remember] and in the heat of the argument she blurted out... "They're just USING you because of where YOU live!"
And then it dawned on me... Maybe she's right, was i blind not to see that?
And whether those people who i used to call 'friends' were really my friends, i wonder. It got me questioning my own personality. I was forced to grow up and realise that Life isn't all about nice smelling roses and cotton candy. I was different from everyone. And every new place we moved to, i was then hesitant to tell people of my residence. Fear of being taken advantage of and as a result, i find it VERY difficult to get close to people.
And when i reached 23, i made the decision to move out and conquer the corporate world. I was [and still am] convinced that i can do it ON MY OWN without the aid of my folks. Although i intend to pay them back the money i borrowed to start off my 'conquer the corporate world' mission.
But with my current mental unstability + growing medical expenses + lack of motivation towards life + lack of interest in past activities + increase in spending... i'm not so confident about where all of this is going.
No comments:
Post a Comment