It's officially the last day of TWO bloody OH OH SIX.
If i had to summarize the past 365 days, i would say it was a bundle of risks, regained emotions and frustrations. Without sounding like a hippy i'd like to believe i've regained some control in my life, whether it is some kind of spiritual awakening, i don't know. [However saying that, i am still on the same dosage prescribed a year and a half ago. BUT in a week i will have it halved. So YAY for me!]
Basically the first half of the year i struggled with a condition that somehow threw away my emotions. I suffered a burnout from my previous job and with that developed an obsession with alcohol [a chapter of my life documented in my Multiply.com blog]. I was constantly frustrated and mentally tired from fighting daily with a daemon that refused to leave me alone. It played with my mind in my waking hours and when i did manage to sleep, it seduced my subconscious.
I admit, i owe it to two things; Effexor and the support of my family.
Looking back, i remember countless days when i danced with thought of Death. Not because i was weak but i wanted to believe it was my savior. A freedom like no other, a freedom that no medication could give me. It's actually quite scary how much the past year has in fact made such a huge impact on how i think today.
At one point scared of waking up because i feared what kind of day i would face. Terrified of the outside world and at times myself that if it were possible to disappear, i would. A solution i thought would fix all my problems. Each day believing that it would release me from the claws of my daemons. There was only one thing that stopped me... my family. I honestly believe that if they weren't there to emotionally support me and to constantly remind me that they were there for me, i wouldn't be here typing this today.
If one word would best describe my mental state, it would be UNPREDICTABLE. I admit, at one point i was a walking mess that paraded painted smiles. A long and painful chapter that i wish i never experienced and hope to never live through again.
As a result, i sympathize those who have been diagnosed and/or is currently struggling with what i have gone through. Although, i am not a qualified shrink, i like to think i have a better understanding and first hand information than those professionals that only know how to repeat text book answers.
So i end 2006 with a dedication to those diagnosed and is currently struggling with anxiety, Depression and/or Hyperthyroidism. I refuse to say "it'll be ok... you'll see," since i detested those string of words with a passion. There's something about it that sounds so insincere that it only made me feel worse.
Instead i'll say, "i'm living proof that you're not alone." But unless you know what it's like, than it might sound like bollicks but to someone else, it may mean one less suicide.
Much love and hope for 2007, Chrissie... xox.
If i had to summarize the past 365 days, i would say it was a bundle of risks, regained emotions and frustrations. Without sounding like a hippy i'd like to believe i've regained some control in my life, whether it is some kind of spiritual awakening, i don't know. [However saying that, i am still on the same dosage prescribed a year and a half ago. BUT in a week i will have it halved. So YAY for me!]
Basically the first half of the year i struggled with a condition that somehow threw away my emotions. I suffered a burnout from my previous job and with that developed an obsession with alcohol [a chapter of my life documented in my Multiply.com blog]. I was constantly frustrated and mentally tired from fighting daily with a daemon that refused to leave me alone. It played with my mind in my waking hours and when i did manage to sleep, it seduced my subconscious.
I admit, i owe it to two things; Effexor and the support of my family.
Looking back, i remember countless days when i danced with thought of Death. Not because i was weak but i wanted to believe it was my savior. A freedom like no other, a freedom that no medication could give me. It's actually quite scary how much the past year has in fact made such a huge impact on how i think today.
At one point scared of waking up because i feared what kind of day i would face. Terrified of the outside world and at times myself that if it were possible to disappear, i would. A solution i thought would fix all my problems. Each day believing that it would release me from the claws of my daemons. There was only one thing that stopped me... my family. I honestly believe that if they weren't there to emotionally support me and to constantly remind me that they were there for me, i wouldn't be here typing this today.
If one word would best describe my mental state, it would be UNPREDICTABLE. I admit, at one point i was a walking mess that paraded painted smiles. A long and painful chapter that i wish i never experienced and hope to never live through again.
As a result, i sympathize those who have been diagnosed and/or is currently struggling with what i have gone through. Although, i am not a qualified shrink, i like to think i have a better understanding and first hand information than those professionals that only know how to repeat text book answers.
So i end 2006 with a dedication to those diagnosed and is currently struggling with anxiety, Depression and/or Hyperthyroidism. I refuse to say "it'll be ok... you'll see," since i detested those string of words with a passion. There's something about it that sounds so insincere that it only made me feel worse.
Instead i'll say, "i'm living proof that you're not alone." But unless you know what it's like, than it might sound like bollicks but to someone else, it may mean one less suicide.
Much love and hope for 2007, Chrissie... xox.
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