I got the golden ticket... Now waiting for the green light!

I did it!

It must have been sometime after 4am this morning when my eyelids shut. Then at 7.54am i receive a phone call... "BUDDY are you awake?" I make my way to the shower. My eyeballs are slightly bloodshot and haven't had time to breathe since my contacts had only just been removed a few hours earlier.

By 8.20am i'm in the car and we're driving towards KL Sentral. We're met by rows of empty chairs, which are soon to be filled with different size arses in no time. I get my ticket and i only have to wait for 7 people.


Within half an hour i'm requesting for flight details and availabilities to the lady behind the counter. And the next thing i know, i'm signing my autograph along the dotted line.


That's one hurdle over and done with. It's official... this HOOCHIE MAMA IS GOING TO HER HAPPY PLACE [well sort of]. Now i just have to convince my boss to grant me my 11 days off. Oh my gawd, i'm super dooper excited now!


Then a short pit stop to Maccas and quick catch up with my buddy over a Egg McMuffin meal.

I get to the office and i find out my BA boys are playing a gig at the end of the month down in Melbourne and i'm scheduled to depart on the 25th! I'm seriously considering changing my flight but the thought of spending my birthday on a plane doesn't really excite me since i'll also have to take one extra day off. I would love to go and support them... if only i had known earlier... hmmmm.

Now that i think about it, i've been to practically all their gigs since 2002 and that was waaaay before i was an official BA pimpstress... ehehe... i'm such a fuckin' groupie sometimes but i know there's love.

But even if i don't make it to PHD's Slumber party this year, i'll most definitely be dropping by to show some to love and support for PHD. I may even have a bit of a rawk in the early hours of the day for good old times sake... ehehe... *Busts out the whiskey and shoves it in front of B when Jill's not lookin'... ehehe*

Time is ticking... MATF here i come!

Just got home from the office. I'm not sure whether it's the excitement that i managed to get the pitch done on time or the fact that i could be possibly buying my return ticket to Melbourne in just a few hours!

I'm totally gutted that HSBC has put a new security measure for credit cards. Basically to curb the number of credit card frauds. But then again, that's good news for card holders since there's that little bit of reassurance that some wanker won't try and fumble around with your card.

But now i need to fill a few forms out and make some request of some sort in order to make purchases or transactions online. DAMN THIS TECHNOLOGY. I was meant to do it some time back but i guess my forgetfulness got the better of me. Yes i know, it's totally my fault.

So NOW i have to wait till the Travel agent opens which is at 9am. And knowing Malaysian timing, they won't open on time. They'll see me waiting anxiously at their glass door chain smoking whilst they sip their morning coffee.

I'm taking the risk of buying my ticket first before i even get my leave approved. My boss was rushing out just now and i didn't manage to ask him after i showed him my layouts. Oh please, oh please let him be in a good mood later today!

Anyway, a buddy of mine rings me earlier to say he's gonna wake me up bright and early and drive my arse to the Malaysian Airlines ticketing office, that way i can get first dibs on flights. BUDDY, you have no idea how much i appreciate you even offering to wake up so early... SERIOUSLY... THANK YOU!

And after checking online...


The promotional flights are quickly getting snatched up. February days are pretty much all booked out! Although the date that i want to leave is still available [as of 3.05am]. Here's HOPING that there isn't a sudden rush for passengers to depart the same day as me. Issue is the damn flight leaves at a ridiculous time like 9 something in the morning! Hey don't even wake up that bloody early, let alone have to be at the airport 3 hours before. OH NOoOOoo! Which means i have to take a day off just to fly. Damn!

Why can't they have night flights? I guess that's why they're so cheap. I wonder whether the train to the airport even runs that early? THINK POSITIVE. I guess we can't have everything.

SO yeah, you can see why my brain is flooded with all sorts of questions. It doesn't help that tomorrow will be another intense day of trying to beat the clock and finish off my work. And as they say, if there's a will, there's a way.

DAMN IT... I WILL HAVE MY GETAWAY!

1 down... 3 more to go.

Yes, i'm still in the office, i'm such a good little elf.

I just finished working on the pitch, which i have rightfully named it, Project CancerSticksIsKillingMe. Not only has it jump started my stress levels but it is the reason why my other deadlines are now squeezed right to the last second.

Unfortunately, my brain's not functionally right at this very second [possibly a result of a combination of things; dehydration/hunger/inhaling too much plug-in Mortein red mats]. I am happy to say, that i've finished my mock up and printed all the necessary extras my boss requested. But i can't help but think i've missed out on something.

Oh well. 1 down... 3 more deadlines to go.

But I think i should go home soon before i accidently slice my finger tips off or something dramatic happens. Nearby there's some serious drilling and construction going on and the jack hammer outside is giving me a headache! Do they not realise what time it is? But then again, technically i should be tucked in bed.

Hmmph...

I need to getaway... my temporary Happy Place.

A new week begins and already i'm stressed. I can't help but feel the tension in the air with jobs coming in and trying to juggle the time lines. I THINK i have my work load under control but i won't be relieved until i hand them over. This week i have 4 deadlines due and this Thursday is a public holiday, so that's one less day in the week [which i am hoping i won't have to take any work home].

Oh please let this week go by smoothly!

The need for a long holiday is in high demand. Even when i finished my last contract in my previous company i didn't take a proper break. My regular boozing and late nights meant that majority of my savings went to an addiction that fed my alcoholic self. And although i don't regret any of my nights out, i did miss out on quality time out and proper rest both emotionally and physically.

My one month break, was divided between relocating myself from one area code to another and spending a short time on the island off the peninsular with the folks. And as comforting it is to know that my folks welcome me home any time, nothing beats a real getaway to a foreign land.

Which is why i've been thinking, what better time to relax and be in an environment then to visit a place i fell in love with nearly 10 years ago. That place is Australia, specifically Melbourne.

I know a MASSIVE portion of my memories there and past consist of my ex and i. But i can't help but miss everything about the place. Whether it's the culture, the indecisive 4 seasons in a day or ridiculously friendly staff at any store i walk into. I'm not really sure what it is but something magical happens each time i step out of Tullamarine airport and breathe in the fresh air.

But what i do miss are the individuals that i've managed to hold a quality friendship with during the past years. And even though i don't speak to them as often as i should i know we can jump right back to what it was like and it will be just like old times. A friendship built on trust and understanding. One particular friend whom i haven't seen since 2000 but recently have got back in contact with is Miss Victoria Eremeeva.

So Tori if you're reading this: I gotta see what kind of GORGEOUS tramp you've turned out to be... ehehe. I believe a spa weekend, cocktails/caffeine overdose and late night catch up is seriously over due! I wonder whether Chessy can fly down too?

But anyway, i promised to go back for holiday at least every 2 years and it so happens that this February will be when i am due back. And even though my funds aren't looking too healthy there is always HOPE.

Problem is whether i can refrain myself from shopping at the countless tempting stores around my office... YES I HAVE A SUDDEN NEW LOVE FOR ALDO ACCESSORIES and BEACH [which i already have bought a skirt and 3 head bands] at Bangsar Village 2. The evils of being a woman with the urge to pay for relatively affordable items that i don't REALLY need but on items i wish to have.

So if i am able to save my pretty pennies from now until then, i could possibly have SOME spending cash when i get to the land down under. But isn't that the whole point of a holiday? To be able to enjoy oneself and not count ones' pennies every few minutes?

I figured since my last company still owes me a one way ticket to Holland and the cost of a return ticket KL to Melbourne would somehow weigh out the same. There is a very high chance, i could actually make it there for my birthday.

Now if only i can get my leave approved and hope no major deadlines are due then, i could possibly be able to do number of things such as a) see my best friend and other mates b) go to Pharmacy/have my dose of quality tunes/rave culture c) finally turn 27 d) indulge in Boags, Cascade and Carlton Cold, but more importantly e) take time out and be away from here.

So with 2 days to go till the Malaysian Airlines Travel Fair... i will continue to keep my fingers crossed and focus on getting to my Happy place.

One too many cycles can do more harm than good.

After my Tim Tam break yesterday i got glued to watching Season 1 of Grey's Anatomy. And what better way to add to my junk food intake then to add 2 regular Domino pizzas to the mix. Not sure what it is about added preservatives and artificial flavoring but it's definitely a mood lifter.

So waking up in the mid afternoon to left over pizza was of course welcomed with open arms. And instead of walking aimlessly in a shopping mall and spending money on items i don't really need, i opted to stay indoors and continue with my work whilst taking breaks to do my laundry.

Typical Sunday chores that not only are time consuming but terribly mundane. So with a pack of hair dye, my faded black current shade has shifted to a warm black. A small change that can temporarily make a difference.

But as Smooks continues to sprawl himself across the glass table top for his evening siesta. My evening consists of watching CSI episodes whilst my semi-dry bed sheets continue to hang on the clothes stand in the middle of my living room under the ceiling fan.

But with air stained with a distinct Citronella scent my urge to get away continues to plague my thoughts. I'm not sure whether it's a much needed holiday i crave and/or a complete change of scenery. But with the combination of a low immune system, a fading passion and a shift in priorities, i can't help but wonder, it's only a matter of time.

Grids, shaded boxes and a whole lot of lorem ipsum.

I've spent a huge chunk of my day trying to locate old files from my previous Mac. Trying to find past work in order to get what i think is my best work is painfully annoying. Mainly because my files are all over the place and missing fonts are no where to be found.

Even leaving my last job, i wasn't able to get all the files i need to update my folio. So my mission is to hopefully get a hold of them before amnesia sets in and then i'm screwed. But at last, i managed to gather a few pieces that i'm not ashamed about.

With my stress levels slowly building up, i just hope to get as much done as possible as i've already pushed so many of my deadlines. I've been so busy working on this pitch that all my other work is put on hold.

What's worse is what layouts i had done on the pitch wasn't meeting eye to eye with my boss and hence have had to start again. Two days of work down the drain, i'm running out of time.

So after staying up quite late to do work at home, i get to the office on Friday unsure whether i'm actually steering in the right direction and can only hope that whatever i do next is right.

It's close to 9pm when i show my boss, who happens to still be in the office and it ends up that he's ok with my direction. In fact, he even sat down and together made a few adjustments which improves the overall look. And although i'm nowhere near finished, i'm confidant that i'll get it done. Plus my AE won't have to harass me because she's freaking out i won't meet the deadline.

But before i jump right back into work, my brain is craving for cheese cake. I think my sugar levels are low, i'll kick start it with some Tim Tams.

Is that a yellow rod? Or are you just happy to see me?

As usual prior to going to bed i check whether i've switched on my alarms. They consist of two that are on my mobile and another two on my clock radio [bought during my university days in Melbourne to replace my very first dodgey looking clock i got when i was a young lass and had insisted it should be pink no less].

Each alarm goes off at half an hour intervals starting at 8.00am. Never mind that i don't actually get my arse out of bed until the last alarm. Realistically, it's usually when my internal body clock jerks me awake and i realise i've overslept. And much to the amusement of my cat who sees me sprint out of bed and race around and waits to watch me trip up on yet another loose wooden tile.

But with repetitive training, i have managed to hit the snooze button without realising it. At one point having to move my alarm clock further and further away, an evil plot to remove my temperature controlled body from my cocoon. But like the snooze training, i eventually learned how to step out of bed and return in as little steps as possible to a relatively cosy bed.

Since adopting a feline, i've been welcomed to a whole new world of wake up calls. It started with the morning fetch, as some of you would know his ability to retrieve a rolled up plastic bag once thrown. [If only he was strong enough to be able to drag his kitty litter out the door]. Hell, if he was able to do that, he might as well be trained to bring my shopping list to the supermarket and return with my goodies. But that's inching towards slavery innit? And i'm very sure SPCA wouldn't approve.

And recently Smooks has become a keen consumer of Friskies dry food. So i bought the 1.5kg bag that came with a free toy. [Don't we all love free schtuff?] A plastic rod with a elastic string attached to a bunch of fake fur to resemble a white mouse. And after wedging the stick between the sofa cushions so it's elevated off the ground, his time is spent tugging at this toy and rolling all over the place. Very amusing to watch.

Then some time during the early hours of the morning i'm woken up by a commotion. The next thing i know, i feel something hard pressing into my back. [Obvious that i fell asleep alone last night and there was no foreign body beside me, i was curious].

I open my eyes and i see Smooks has managed to drag the fake toy still attached to the yellow rod. And the second i pick it up, the devil's Spawn leaps out from out of nowhere and like a child being fed too much sugar begins to jump enthusiastically all over me.

My only solution is to hide it under the pillow amongst everything else he has chosen to deliver to me at various time slots during the night. I'm just grateful his vicious Satan spawn's attacks have calmed down since the scratches have healed and i no longer have to worry i look like a walking failed suicide attempt.

It's those little things...

I was actually very productive at work yesterday, i managed to get what i had to get done. Hopefully if all goes well today, i can show my boss and hope he'll be A. OK.

But apart from work there really hasn't been much happening in my life. Last night i was exceptionally emotional. Perhaps there was a collision of stars or the planets weren't aligned. I'm not sure where that wave of tears came from.

So i might have missed my dose... again. And situations have turned out different from what i expected. And for the first time, i can turn around and question people's sincerity and my importance. Is it wrong to say, it's become superficial? I can't help but wonder whether my existence is nothing more than what i am instructed to do.

I look at what the past 3 years has done to me. And i can only begin to scrape off the layers of crude bitterness, hurt, alienation and anxiety. As i continue to peel away what i had chosen to cover up, suddenly the facts that i never wanted to face are staring right back.

Maybe i'm immune to feeling such remorse, my question is what has it left me?

A collection of little things that has finally lead me to the sad truth. And just as a memory fades over time but never actually disappears, i can only hope that i was more than a fading after thought. But that's where wishful thinking comes in.

Time to rearrange clutter

So i THINK i've got the cold under control. Although i was contemplating whether i'd stay home today. Juggling the idea of calling in to say i'll be on MC or risk feeling worse as my day progressed. Hmmm... decisions, decisions. That was until i received a SMS. It was my AE asking whether i was coming in since my boss wanted to talk to me about the pitch structure.

Uh oh!

Feeling slightly puffy with that irritating, uncontrollable sniffing, i made my way into the shower. [So much for my day in bed]. I get to the office and have a short meeting with my boss. I later spend the day doing everything else but what i was meant to focus on... work.

Procrastinating and unable to get my head around my current work load, i decided it was time to do organise my desk [a huge task as i've been putting it off for quite some time]. Previously littered with countless reprints of past/current work, random design books and unnecessary items. What better way to aggravate the sniffles by tidying and raising up some dust!

And although i probably should have thrown away a lot more, i can see a larger percentage of my desk surface [minus the books and my filofax in the foreground, the corner of my desk is actually tidy for once].

Yes, my life is bursting with fruit flavor as you can see. I've succumbed to taking still shots of my desk. Who knows what tomorrow has in store for me. If it's as productive as today, you may even get to see the dust under my cabinet. Fun… fun!

*Ding diiiiing*

I think it's time to self medicate... Nighty night.

Simmering Sniffles and tea bags of Dharma

Who was i kidding? After writing my last post, i did pass out and managed to get another full cycle of sleep. The fact it was Sunday and my list of excuses why one should stay indoors seemed to weigh out the pros. Tempted to stay indoors i peeled myself off my bed and switched on the water heater. After a few cigarettes and doing random things, i eventually hopped into the shower.

It was just 4pm by the time i reached town. And it so happened that Isetan was having a 3 day sale. I found myself browsing through the bed and linen section. There's something about sleeping on fresh, new sheets that crinkle to the sound of a warm body being pressed on it.

Grateful that my body understands the meaning of sleep again. I can forego knocking back sleeping pills to force me to sleep. Although in the past week i've found myself back on them just to regulate my sleeping. No longer living on an average of 2-4 hours of sleep a night, i am more than happy to take advantage of a comfy bed.

With 50% off on 400 thread count bed covers and a need to splurge, i headed over to the cashier. And as i was exiting the department store, i came across a store "that specialised in Buddha statues and artifacts from Nepal and India. An organisation that has 4 branches in KL and is under the spiritual direction of His Eminience Tsem Tulk Rinpoche."

My father has been practicing Buddhism for quite a number of years. As for myself my only connection is smelling the incense after he spends time in front of his alter praying. Although baptised and having gone through Communion, my religion is only skin deep. Only to visit a church should there be a death or wedding to celebrate, i am certainly no prized Catholic girl.

The woman at the store, recommended that i buy this one book, Nothing Changes, Everything Changes which are direct and original transcripts of talks done by H.E Tsem Tulk Rinpoche and for the first time i was able to look at my life in a different perspective, which in fact, was what is needed.

One in particular quote i found moving was...

...What happened to us in the past is what we are now, but what will happen to us in the future depends on what we do now... [pp. 26-27].

His words are easy to understand and for the first time, it all seems to make sense. And i couldn't help but think of HIM and I. So as i lay on my crispy new satin cotton 400 thread count bed sheets, i burned some incense to aid in the negative cleansing. And with my labradorite ring still on my finger, i was oddly relaxed.

It would have been past 1 in the morning when i was still engrossed in the book. When suddenly Smooks gets into the mental frenzy. And out of nowhere decides to leap forward and latch onto me. I spend the next few minutes trying to fight him off, only to lose and hide beneath my covers and eventually having to close the bedroom door.

I wake up in the morning and my cat is nicely sleeping beside me. I look down on my forearm and i'm decorated with slash marks. A scaled version of a failed suicide attempt or someone who is into self harm. Seriously, i can't even handle getting my blood taken, the thought of slitting my wrists already makes me dizzy. Don't worry i won't be slicing myself up anytime soon!

But i have been self medicating myself, of course with medication that the pharmacist recommended and good ole' Panadol. It took no longer than 20 minutes for the meds to kick in and i am no longer holding a tissue to my nose. I've given up with using a toilet roll paper to attend to the sniffles.



Unfortunately, i haven't seen those vitamin E impregnated tissues specifically made for sensitive runny noses. Although there is no comparison, i've managed to find Kleenex's Ultra Soft tissues. But what i would REALLY like is Kleenex Anti-Viral Tissue... suffocate the buggers to death before they're released back into the open!

And seeing that i spent over RM450 on bed linen, another RM35 for 20 bags of whole leaf Chai Tea bag from Coffee Bean wouldn't make much difference. Yes i know these are all material things... buts seriously, fuck it i think i deserve some pampering. It doesn't help that i'm not getting any TLC, so feeling sorry for myself [because i can] i might as well make myself feel temporarily better before i end up bedridden with some crippling virus.

But seriously, so what if i'm still bubbling with disappointment and anger? So what if i'm hurt!? This is not a cry to be dramatic and for once, this has nothing to do with what was once "us" and/or HIM for that matter.

In fact, i don't expect anyone or anything for that matter to be different. It is evident that it's me who is the only one affected. And to be honest, i'm slowly getting tired of feeling like this and i think i've had enough. [Perhaps i should reread the chapter that talks about "letting go of the past" but right now, i'm just going to let it simmer down].

Morning fetch

As usual, had spent my Saturday in bed. Nothing too promiscuous, it only involved sleep. Followed by random twisted dreams [not uncommon]. Suddenly i was in no mood to be outdoors and i suddenly couldn't stop sneezing. I made myself some lunch and lazed in front of the tv and found myself lying on my bed again.

A friend wanted me to go to BED with her. And no, this was not an invitation to indulge in some Friends with Benefits action. BED is one of many night clubs down on Asian Heritage Row. A friend of ours was in town and they had decided that a night of drunken shinnanigans was a must.

The sun was going down and suddenly my urge to slip into heels and flaunt around like a floozy didn't seem like a good idea.

I rang to cancel since it was obvious i was in no position to be with company. Plus the thought of holding a beer in one hand and a tissue in another, wasn't looking too attractive. So instead, promised we'd have dinner some time during the week after i finish working on the pitch.

Remembered to take my meds and polished off the remains of the pasta i had made for lunch and before i knew it, it was past midnight.

I wake up to Smooks nuzzling close to my face and wanting to play fetch. I spend the next hour chucking the rolled up plastic bag only have it to return within seconds. It doesn't take long for me to find a second rolled up bag that an enthusiastic kitten has found so early in the morning.

I emerge from my chilled bedroom to make myself some coffee and nibble on some Speculaas biscuits. Feeling sluggish and keen on jumping back into bed, i think today, i'll make an effort to go into town and do a bunch of errands that i've been ignoring.

Damn those blood suckers!

Being the semi-good pet owner that i am, i decided enough was enough. I wasn't going to risk coming home to a one eared kitten. Or worse, rummaging through my clutter for a mangy looking ear.

So Miss Protein rings me in the morning and says she's near by my place and whether i wanted a ride to work. 15 minutes later i find myself grabbing my bag, pet carrier and a slightly confused looking kitten talking all sorts of jibberish. And as i sit at my desk and position the carrier door so it faces me, Crusty flutters his eyelids closed.

Lunch time rolls around and the book store guy walks in to display a range of design books for sale. Always tempted to add another book to my collection, i notice he's brought in my favorite book of 2006, Illusive. An inspiring collection of mixed media, scribbles and vector art done by a range of designers.

As i flip through the section with pen and paper, my envy grows like a wild fire... i wish i knew how to draw.

But time was running out, the vet was about to close for lunch. So i had to say farewell again to my book, as the health of Mr Crusty was my priority. Then i find out that i can take the book and pay for it the next time the guy returns [after CNY]. Extremely excited, i signed the receipt and placed the book on my desk.

10 minutes later, i find myself at the vet and explaining that i THINK Mr Crusty has some random skin issue, more specifically mites. So i put the carrier on the table and i can already hear a series of hisses followed by several pitches of vicious warnings. I take a step back and let the assistant grab hold of Smooks.

He gets his weight checked and it appears he's steadily putting on weight. Currently weighing in at 2.7kg, not quite ready for the heavy weights but Friskies is doing its job. However, slightly on the bony side of life, i'm still on the hunt for a particular meat he prefers.

The vet whips out a blade and attempts to scrape off a sample of the skin so he can examine it under the microscope. And after all that, i find out he does NOT have mites but those weird crusty sores is the result of mosquito bites.

Yes, my cat has had an allergic reaction, basically he's hypersensitive to mozzie saliva. Yes those blood sucking bitches are attracted to Smooks. So i ask my vet, so what can i do to help Crusty seeing that i do live in a tropical and humid climate?

I keep him indoors, so it's not like he's pimpin' himself to the neighborhood strays. I just have to keep the doors and windows closed and wait for it to get better. But to speed up the healing process, my vet gives him an injection. Apparently it'll hurt a SHIT LOAD more than his usual vaccination... it's straight into the muscle!

So like his owner who is chicken shit when it comes to injections, i can only look away. It's accompanied with the loudest and heart wrenching cries of hatred. It takes the assistant and the vet to try and hold him down. I stand in the corner and the vet is unable to inject the full dose, so he stabs him in the muscle the second time. It's only then that the full dose is given and Smooks leaps off the table.

I'm not sure who's more relieved but finally it's over.

I take him home and burn some Citronella oil in the burner. And since i was at home and in no rush to get back to the office as it was technically still lunch time, i make myself some home cooked food for lunch.

Unspoken love...

It's Only a Matter of Time...

Since that fateful day i broke down in tears pleading to my dad not to tell my mother because i didn't want her to worry, i can only conclude it was the beginning of a huge transformation.

But last night's dinner with my dad at Saffron was exceptionally good and more importantly we had another deep & meaningful conversation. In the course of a year and a half he's witnessed the most frightening stages that any parent fears for their child. And as he sat in front of me listening, i could see how much concern there was. Unable to mask my troubles, it wasn't long until i was voicing out my worries and taking another drag from my lit cigarette. As usual the topics swayed between what's going on at work, my social life and my current state of mind.

A strong believer in signs, yesterday's turn of events made me realise more things than one. It confirmed my doubts and proved how much in denial i really was, to some extent i still am.

I see it now.

So clearly in fact that it makes me remember so many other incidences. Perhaps all this while i had fooled myself to believe something else, hoping it would go away. And like a collection of moments that i keep hidden under my pillow, they feed on my subconsciousness.

Seriously, there is no point in explaining, it should be obvious. Previously, too timid to say anything and not the type to be confrontational when inferiority takes over. And through that, i've learned to keep my mouth shut.

It just so happened to have taken this long for it to kick in. It showed me what i had chosen not to face. I've decided it's only a matter of time. It was only then that reality showed its true colours.

Bubblin'

CORRECTION: I will NOT be whisking myself up North for the weekend...
.
.
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Crusty the Cat.

I am convinced that Smooks has contracted ear mites from the place where i usually have him stay whilst i run off for my short get aways. I'm getting all itchy thinking about what might be crawling around in his ear. And although i've read that it's highly contagious between animals, i don't have to worry that it'll be passed on to humans.

And before anything drastic happens, like his ear falling off and me running around frantically trying to reattach a broken appendage, i have to drag his arse to the vet.

I remember last months visit to the vet, where he went absolutely mental after the vet injected him with his 2nd vaccination, my fear is he'll turn into this possessed spawn of Satan if anyone goes near his ear. So not only is he gonna have his ear prodded with foreign utensils but he's due for another vaccination... thank gawd i'm not a vet! Plus next month i will have to admit him to go for the "SCHNIP"! Which hopefully will eliminate his obsession with nibbling on me and possibly marking his territory in the future, since i am forever in and out of the apartment.

But seriously, i've noticed this weird crusty crap that sits on the top of his ear and i've noticed this scab like thing that has mysteriously migrated to the back of his head too. So until it clears Smooks will be known as Mr. Crusty the Cat. And seeing that my working hours are during the vets operating hours, i have to somehow whisk myself away slightly earlier but once that's sorted and Crusty continues to sulk in the corner for putting him up to all that torture, i'm going to meet up with my dad [who happens to be in the country for a business trip] and have dinner. YAY... food!

It doesn't help that today i'm heaps busy trying to finish up all my work and do the amendments that the client has come back with, so i can focus on working on a pitch that's due next week.

BUT there is a high chance that i MIGHT be whisking myself away to go up North for the weekend. Which will also mean i will have to book in Crusty at that pet place for the weekend. Oh no! So many things to do and [what seems like] so little time.

Better safe than sorry...

I'm not sure whether it's a huge coincidence but in the past week i've seen an increase of black felines roaming the area, some may even think they're bad omens or bring bad luck. Does that mean this year doesn't promise luck? Or it could just mean that the neighborhood strays got in on too much action.

But then it got me thinking of a few old wives' tales. And like an addictive yawn, i can't help but catch on. I can even think of a few and as silly as they are, i find them hard to break...

1. I try not to walk under ladders or walk on the top of grills that cover drains.
2. If i happen to be sitting down and i notice the the same number repeating itself on a digital clock, i will raise my feet off the ground until the minute passes.
3. If i happen to be in a car and i pass a graveyard i will hold my breath.
4. If i look up at the sky, i will make a wish upon the first star i see.
5. If i see a rainbow, i will make a wish.
6. I find myself taking more precautions when it's Friday the 13th.
7. If a black cat attempts to cross my path i will speed ahead and walk in front.
8. If my eye twitches, someone out there is talking about me.
9. I believe bad things happen in threes.
10. If i do something bad to others, it will hit me back 3-fold... karma does come back.
    

Not including #10, i figured if i'm not doing any harm to others, then there's no harm in following through.

But i strongly believe all the bad shit that i did to others during my younger years, karma has in fact come back and bitten me in the arse! With that, i am certain my mental instability/illness is the result of my bad doings.

And although i'm still paying for it some way or another, one can only hope this is the year i get to reset the vibe and start all over again. If it's not this year then i guess it just means i really fucked up big time.

So ho...

During one of my shopping frenzy's down on the little island off the Peninsular, i came across a shop that could possibly be one of my favorite shops to date. So great, that i have already forgotten the name but i know where it's located. I made every effort not to whip out my plastic and stuck to my guns. Deciding to only shop the day before i left.

True enough within a few hours i had used up all the money i changed at the airport. Perhaps i was dehydrated and the post Christmas shoppers were getting on my nerves but i dared myself to buy these little shorts. Yes, little shorts way too short for my liking but figured 2007 was a time for change... seriously, what was i thinking?

But after today, i believe there is a ho in us all, particularly today. Instead of wearing my usual 3/4 oversized shorts or knee length skirt, i have opted to go all out with my black NOT QUITE hot pants [but dangerously and shamelessly close to it].

Yes and as you will soon see, this once before hoochie mama has kept with her hooker red nails and has girlified herself.

Never the one to be seen in public with shorts above the knee. Even opting to wear a skirt that just covers her arse as a first option. Choosing a barely there piece of material if only it were dark and/or which coincides with Mambo Jumbo and Ghetto Heaven night at Zouk. An excuse to reveal the sluttish side of my life.

And since today is a trial effort, i can only conclude that i am in fact very self-conscious. Feeling on the naked side of life because i don't have the security of wearing what brother in-law likes to call, my "moon boots" or better known as gators/leg warmers to cover half my legs. Even though they are specifically reserved for raves and Hardsequence events.

Seriously all is missing in my get up are a pair of wedge platforms, J-Lo style hoop earrings and a barely there singlet or god forbid, a boob tube. [If only it were as easy to up size my cup size to an extra large, then i might think twice]. So there i was paired with a behind that doesn't boast much junk but somehow in these shorts they provide a bit of a profile. I give credit to the workmanship.

As i sat cross legged behind a desk, in an office that consists of a hefty percentage of the male species [who bat for the same team], i figured not much harm would be done. So despite feeling slightly exposed this Tuesday, i will try my hardest NOT to look like a hooker having a smoke down at the corner.

Courtesy of Miss Emo

So on that note, i'd like to borrow the DIRECTOR of CANCELLATIONs infamous word and CANCEL my NOT QUITE hot pants from public. I shall banish them to the comfort of my four walls. So thanks but no thanks.

Beautiful Things

I first heard this track on a 2004 Two Tribes album mixed by Sean Quinn. My best friend sent me the album and a letter via snail mail and specifically told me to listen to the lyrics. And still to this day, it is one of my favorite tracks. I can't help but think of us.

It was an incredible friendship that developed almost instantly. We had a bond that seemed too good to be true. We were inseparable and shared almost every emotion and moment. We danced with jealousy and frustration on a weekly basis. A fascination with a new world that lead to a cruel fixation.

It was an unselfish dedication that lead to many adventures and even more complications. A love like no other. But while he continued to love the same gender, i held on to a dying love that ventured to the other side of the world and was left on the rocks.

It was only when it was all over, did we realise...

Andain - Beautiful Things (Gabriel & Dresden Remix)

Got up early, found something's missing
My only name.
No one else sees but I got stuck,
And soon forever came.
Stopped pushing on for just a second,
Then nothing's changed.
Who am I this time, where's my name?
I guess it crept away.

No one's calling for me at the door.
And unpredictable won't bother anymore.
And silently gets harder to ignore.
Look straight ahead, there's nothing left to see.
What's done is done, this life has got it's hold on me.
Just let it go, what now can never be.

I forgot that I might see,
So many beautful things.
I forgot that i might need,
To find out what life could bring.

Take this happy ending away, it's all the same.
God won't waste this simplicity on possibility.
Get me up, wake me up, dreams are filling
This trace of blame.
Frozen still I thought I could stop,
Now who's gonna wait.

No one's calling for me at the door.
And unpredictable won't bother anymore.
And silently gets harder to ignore.
Look straight ahead, there's nothing left to see.
What's done is done, this life has got it's hold on me.
Just let it go, what now can never be.

Now what do I do?
Can I change my mind?
Did I think things through?

It was once my life
It was my life at one time.

Lyrics found here.

What lies beneath...

I would like to think that people go through a transformation once the big 3-0 comes around. I, on the other hand have chosen this upcoming year to be more significant. Why? I still have no idea.

Time Waits for No wo-Man. And it continues to echo and feed on my consciousness. It's no big deal but i'm certain there's more to life than this.

Where did this sudden surge of maturity appear from? Is it true that Home is where happiness breeds? If so, than this was never my home to begin with. Why do i continue to surround myself with artificial happiness? Once the enthusiasm cools down suddenly everything tastes so much more bitter.

It is only when one runs on reserved fuel that the truth emerges from the harsh reality. It's not paranoia, i've travelled on this well beaten track. I cling to my new found sanity, hoping that it'll take me forward.

We all seem to be in search of that place that holds no emotional ties. Could it be that i imagined that beautiful garden? I'm starting to believe it doesn't exist beyond this opaque wall. Maybe the time has come for me to paddle in different waters.

Perhaps i'm a fool to think things were different. There is no difference, it's all the same. Slowly waking up from my siesta, i'm starting to see everything in a different light, a light that i chose to block out.

To DJ Irritating... [late post]

This post cannot be CANCELLED since i've been informed that some adjustments must be made to this date.

This is directed to a certain individual who continues to bring tears of laughter and smiles to everyone he crosses paths with. Perhaps it's his sun loving, chair screetching, Britney Spears ex-back up dancing that keeps him on top of his toes. Whatever it is, Boys II Men had it right when they sang... I swear by the moon and the stars in the sky... Always keeping it real.

And seriously! Oh my fucking gawd... i swear our friendship's not CANCELLED!

On repeat.

Had decided to call it an early night last night, that was until i received a phone call. A frantic Miss Emo asking me if i wanted to watch a movie. Uhhh, i know i've declared that i'll be more spontaneous this year but the thought of changing and being out in the open didn't sit too comfortably with me. Then i heard the sniffles...

"Are you crying? You're crying aren't you?"

As expected, it was relationship problems or in her case the loss of a relationship. Seriously, why is it that relationships cause so much heartache?

So she was in my area and wondered if i'd walk downstairs and sit with her whilst she had a cigarette. I replied that i hadn't changed and that i looked like shit but never mind, i'll be down in a second.

Seconds after i hung up, i rang her back to ask whether she's up for dessert [figured a dose of sugar would do her good]. Her reply was, if i didn't mind sitting in public with a puffy eyed girl, she wouldn't mind sitting there with a skanky friend... THANKS!

After concealing my dark circles, changed to more appropriate shorts and used my trusty ole' head band to keep my hair in order, i made my way downstairs in record time.

Ended up at La Bodega since i had been craving for cheesecake all day but somehow got distracted as soon as i looked at the menu. Whilst inhaling my tapas, Miss Emo voiced out her troubles and suddenly i heard myself releasing my own frustrations.

I later came home and fell right to sleep and was in and out of a series of dreams. I wake up to a sunny filled day but i chose to stay indoors.

After making some tuna-pesto and pasta, laziness took over and my intention of picking up my labradorite ring in town and possibly retouching my tattoo, suddenly all that wasn't looking too promising.

Continued with my domestic chores and cleared out the kitty litter. Then alternating between taking short naps and channel surfing, i realised it was getting late. Too late to go down town. Spoke to my mom on the phone and her concern that i'm not eating well came up. Maybe it was the fact that i mentioned that i ate all my food this afternoon and i was thinking of ordering Dominos again. But i swear i'm eating!

Soon after the sky rippled with an angry roar of thunder, followed by a heavy downpour. I ended up not ordering pizza, instead i refilled my mug with more green tea and nibbled on random items. I'm off to the supermarket during my lunch break tomorrow.

So much for my Sunday adventure but least i had good intentions. Ooooo Miami Ink is on Travel & Living now.

Temporary stain

It seems that singles tend to look for the same qualities and characteristics in a partner [similar to the term "boyfriend/bf" but strangely that classification doesn't sit too well with me].

I can't speak on behalf of every single individual but i do know what i MAY be attracted to. It helps that one rides on the same wave length and is able to carry a conversation instead of the typical one word answer to every question. Understanding sarcasm and being able to deliver does keep the ball rolling.

Someone who is genuinely interested in getting to know the other. I've met numerous people who have a tendency to regurgitate stored information than to actually listen. You would be surprised at how many people like to hear themselves talk... and talk... and talk.

I believe that having manners is simple courtesy. I'm no feminist but at the same time, i do appreciate when a man makes an effort. There is no need to shout unless you happen to be rounding up cattle. In which case, i doubt we'd have much in common. But then again, trying to keep an open mind is the key [advice much easier to preach than to accept].

Then there are those that put up a front and wave their obnoxious shield, as a way of easing their discomfort. Being rude will only get a person so far and to be honest, it's an unattractive quality that people take on.

Which brings me on to physical appearance. Obviously, there must be some attraction in order to move on to the next step. Why else do women spend so much money on cosmetics and enduring plucking procedures... for fun? I don't think so.

It is within those few minutes of an initial introduction that one mentally sizes up a person. Looking at ones' body language is a true sign whether one is interested. It is that sexual attraction that's not too intense where all one can think about is getting into the others' pants, it's just enough to spark interest.

But honestly, why is it so hard to find someone nowadays?

An old age question that tends to brew in the minds of all ages. And as much as i'd like to believe that if one doesn't look for "it", it will happen. My conclusion to that is, screw that! Whoever said that was obviously taken.

Perhaps i surround myself with a bubble that reads "FUCK OFF". Even portraying an image that supports that notion. And that it is no wonder that i stand alone and feed on a broken heart. Envious of someone that i'm not and always feeling like i don't belong.

My only solution is to try and remove myself, like a stain that refuses to budge. Nobody deserves to feel like this. So i take on this absurd lease on life and ATTEMPT to make a conscious effort to rearrange things in my life...

Disabled Truth

Just an outsider looking in. An odd shaped piece of a puzzle somehow portraying an image that is much different from what one feels. An image that tends to be misread, not only by others but by oneself.

Feeling that ones' acceptance is the result of being at the right time and place. An unselfish dedication is to the advantage of others. But why does this feel so familiar? A masquerade ball of misconceptions and lies.

Naive to the point of being blind, a handicap that seems incurable. How long can one tune out before it becomes permanent? Being mute is one way of dealing with the situation but silence can only go so far.

It is no wonder birds tend to migrate in flocks. Comfort lies within similarities and it is that familiarity that provides an invisible bond. It is true that an outsider can never be part of a whole and will continue to venture solo.

Remembering that recycled goods can only go so far and it's only a matter of time before one begins to desintegrate. Would it even make a difference?

Ding dong bells

I came home to a few slices of bread, uncooked pasta and random jars of what nots in the fridge. I couldn't be arsed to drop by the supermarket again despite going there earlier to buy kitty litter and kitten food. It was inching towards 7pm and i was the second to last person to leave.

In no mood to cook and feeling sluggish, i didn't even bother dropping by the ATM. Instead i searched through random hiding places for money and rang Dominos to order my usual.

Sitting cross legged on my couch, i ate my pizza watching reruns of Seinfield. Smooks was more interested in what was in the kitchen and left me in peace to eat my dinner. Only to come dashing across the living room the second i shoved a piece of the bread stix in my face. His attempt to scale the chicken wired balcony door and make an escape through the top whilst i was occupied was all planned out. Clever little fucker i tell ya!

Skillfully, i managed fling my plate onto the couch in time to grab his tail before he slipped away. He backtracked and landed beside my feet, only to grumble something and return to what was so fascinating in the kitchen.

Soon came the Echinacea pills and Cold & Flu capsules. I lay on my bed and drifted off to sleep, leaving behind the blaring t.v and forgetting to pay my bills online for one more night.

I dreamt of a wedding last night! And apparently it was mine. But whilst my guests are waiting for me, i'm somewhere else and i'm late for my own special day. I see no groom in the picture but i know that i'm wearing a veil which so happens to be too short but i'm reassured that it's fine since it's being secured by my headband. There's no sense of urgency and i continue on with my errands.

According to spiritcommunity.com it states that my biological clock is in fact ticking. Loud enough to wake up my subconscious self and what's more irritating is that it's affected my conscious hours. Now that i think about it, it's pathetic to think that my longest running relationship was so long ago that i no longer count the days of singlehood but now can count them in years. I don't think i'm that horrid.

A constant reminder that the years of effort has lead to bitterness. Perhaps i should have had the don't-give-a-shit attitude too, that way i too could join the Mushy-Love-Sick club and flutter on cloud 9. I guess being a Pisces just made it that much more difficult eh.

My weakness is the icing to another emotional fuck up. But perhaps i am coming to terms with my Agro and come-pity-me self? Whatever it is... i want it over and done with. Now that i've got my emotions in check, i admit i miss being in love. I promise to be a "good girl-friend".

It does also mention "it is a positive dream symbol because it suggests a degree of self-awareness and integration". Uhhh yes, i am fully aware of my status thanks so much! After all the dramas and the amount of bullshit i went through, is it stupid for me to still think i miss us? Probably.

Seriously, if this is what 8 years does to you... i should consider brushing up on my religious classes and becoming celibate. OK i lied about the latter, although at the rate that i'm going it wouldn't make much of a difference... hmmpf.

TO LOVE SICK FUCKERS: Go away! I'm going to get my hair trimmed.

Lost things and Found Paper

I think it's safe to say that i am in fact not well. Swallowing Echinacea pills as wishing they would magically fight off what ever virus or infection i have managed to attract. Strange how only when one gets sick does one go overboard in digesting vitamins and concoctions, hoping it'll work miracles the second it gets chased by a mouthful of water.

Always the one to forget to take my vitamins even though i tend to remind everyone else to take theirs. It's always easier to nag than to follow instructions. I should know, a proclaimed nagger but with very good intentions, i am now left to suffer.

However, good news is i FOUND my December cheque... ehehe. Doesn't matter since they reissued me another one.

Anyway, yesterday HS had a dinner. It was scheduled for 9.30pm SHARP! Not forgetting Malaysian timing, Supastar texted to say dinner was changed to 9pm... that way people would arrive on time. It's usual to have a get together after a HS event and a reason to meet up to say thanks for the hard work. Of course the group consisted of the promoters, DJs and not forgetting their girlfriends. Superstar GG, Krys and G were heading back the next day so what a more appropriate time than to have a joint farewell dinner.

After practically inhaling the food we decided to move on to Vogue. There we sat around drinking house white wine and browsed through random magazines. Wing boy and i were more interested in commenting on the car show ponies aka scantily dressed females posing in front of well crafted automobiles. We came to the conclusion that those featured were not chosen based on looks but probably for their impressive cup size.

The others got into playing this game, although pointless it brought out a few laughs and they even found an alternative way of playing. In my opinion a great wake up call if you're into electric shocks or if one needs to jump start their reflexes. I tried it twice and i lost both times. Obvious that my senses aren't as quick as i thought they were.

It was just past twelve and two glasses of wine later, i figured it was time to head home. Was feeling like shit and i knew if i stayed longer i would want to drink more. Figured if i didn't go home soon Smooks would have found his way into the Friskies bag.

Instead, i came home to a dimly lit living room, littered with ripped up tissue and rolled up plastic bags that had once gone missing but had somehow reappeared. I wonder if one loses love, how long does it take for it to magically reappear?

Don't mind me,
the Pity-Me-He-Left-Me train is passing through...
I'm in a shitty mood because i'm not well but you still haunt my memory.
And as long as i continue to live here, nothing will change.

Can i go back and start again?

Still on 150

Feeling kinda on the crapola side of life today. You know when your body feels a bit run down and your head is clogged up with random thoughts. Your energy level has been sucked right out of your spine... well that's how i feel. This morning my eyes felt like they were being forced open as the light scratched its way through my corneas. Sensitive to light, if only i could hide under my blue doona, away from what felt like piercing daggers.

Anyway, earlier today i was confidant that my doctor's appointment would mean i was half way on the road to being meds free. I assumed that when i saw my doctor she would scribble down on her notes that my dosage would be halved. Seeing that my last visit she did mention that once the new year began and that all things were hunky dory i could be one step closer to being done with my pills.

For the benefit of those who have just tuned in, a few months back i went into a relapse. As a result was only put back on my initial prescribed dose. In other words... FAILURE. I danced with the thoughts of eternal silence and an end to all my issues. Definitely not in a good state of mind.

And due to my Thyroid not being in the clear, she strongly suggested that i don't lower my dose. So much for the celebration. So until my next appointment in March, i continue to put aside part of my salary to pay for my medical expenses. I can only hope that before my birthday i will attempt to live life on half my initial dosage.

Oh well... back to work i guess.

Monday stinks!

So i didn't end up doing anything yesterday. Much like the day before, i slept through most of it. And was only productive when my stomach was screaming for food. At which time, i have learned that Tuna Melts are perfect when hunger strikes.

Whilst waiting for my bread to toast and topping up Smooks bowl with Friskies, it occurred to me that my hair needed some serious uplifting. The combination of extreme sunlight and daily hair washes, my so-called blackcurrant stain had prematurely become lighter. Inching towards a shade similar to that of a DVD seller's girlfriend hair minus the highlights. It didn't help that my irritating neither-here-nor-there hairstyle was going a bit out of control.

It was indeed the perfect time to for a temporary fix. Desperate for a hair cut but in no position to leave my sanctuary, i figured i'd wait for a decent time to mould my hair into shape.

Operation Hair-Must-Dye was on the top of my Sunday's To Do List. Once that was done and i was satisfied with the results, i sat in front of the tv to watch some mindless entertainment. Which did so much as make me more tired and the next thing i knew, i had found myself back in bed. [I know, i'm a lazy arse when i want to be].

It was just past six in the morning when i woke up to a commotion. Smooks is scratching at the bathroom door and meowing like there's no tomorrow. I try and calm him down and as though possessed, he jumps on the bed and does his series of Olympic style rolls and turns. I switch on my bedside table light and what more appropriate than the words "Ahhh shit!" spills out of my mouth.

Not only is the sun not up but i am greeted by a morning crap on my doona! Before it even had time to settle, i rushed to the bathroom. Toilet roll in one one hand and a kitten crouched on all fours frozen in midair in the other.

I spent the next few minutes washing my covers and disinfecting the area. [The inner housekeeper is thrown into overdrive]. Definitely a bad start to the week.

I can only assume his morning accident is due to me forgetting to clear his litter box the night before. A reminder that his box MUST be cleared before i head to bed! No buts, just do it! What better alternative to a litter box than to poop where his owner spends most of her time in! I definitely was NOT in a good mood coming to work today.

Seriously, what a shitty start to my week, no pun intended. And to make matters worse, i also have deadlines biting me in the arse right, left and centre. And i NOW have to deal with my colleague's client whilst she's away on leave freezing her tits off in England.

It doesn't help that this "favorite client" of ours calls at least half a dozen times before lunch for copy changes and then drops by the office whenever it suits her to oversee the changes. Seriously, it's Monday and i already have a bad headache.

But why do i have an awful feeling that i'm at the initial stages of getting ill? Let's just hope i'm dehydrated. [Moments like these i wish for TLC and for a special someone to fuss over me]. Whatever it is... I MUST NOT GET SICK.

That thing called Mambo

Believe it or not, i have managed to sleep right through the day. Coming home after the sudden downpour, i packed up my things at work and it was already 8.30pm. Exhausted from an intense 3 days at work, i was relieved that the day was coming to an end.

My initial plan of tidying up and being all domestic has been put on hold. Even though i've slept for a good 24 hours doesn't mean i'm completely rested. Obvious that the days that i could go non-stop partying and require very little rest to keep going is no longer applicable.

Wednesday i even chose to check out Mambo at Zouk. Yes, i attempted to bring out the hoochie mama that lay asleep. Last minute decisions somehow lead to interesting results. Seeing friends/people i haven't seen in months and throwing well wishes in the air seemed like nothing had changed.

The same songs were recycled whilst drunken patrons danced to a beat of their own. Nothing much had changed except i wasn't knocking down as many whiskies and hadn't found some boy to entertain me. But since that night, the days seem to have melted into one. It's already Saturday night and i'm in no position to be anywhere except to head right back into bed.

Drifting in and out of sleep with Smooks passed out beside me is how i spent my first weekend of 2007. Only peeling myself off my bed because he had eaten all his food and found it necessary to wrap his jaws around my calve muscle. Definitely not the kind of wake up call i prefer.

I've decided that making plans usually leads to disappointment. Therefore have decided that being spontaneous works better. What i do tomorrow is not known but i do know i could fall right back to sleep... so on that note...

HardSequence Countdown

The plan was New Year's eve down in Malacca because HardSequence was having its first outdoor event. What better way to say fuck off to 2006 than to welcome the new year with a dose of bangin' tunes! Those nearby ear canals were given a dose of Nottifish, Drive, Learn, Ganjaguru and Bass Agents. Once again Miss Trigger Happy was out in full force.

I've uploaded the best of the best. Images taken from the 31 December to 2nd of January at A'Famosa, Malacca in various bungalows and locations. Click image or trot along to winkris.mulitply.com.

To those who couldn't make it because of whatever reason. Let's just say, you missed out big time cause the vibe was spot on and the tunes were nothing less than on target. To the lovers and haters, here's wishing you a fruitful new year!