Who was i kidding? After writing my last post, i did pass out and managed to get another full cycle of sleep. The fact it was Sunday and my list of excuses why one should stay indoors seemed to weigh out the pros. Tempted to stay indoors i peeled myself off my bed and switched on the water heater. After a few cigarettes and doing random things, i eventually hopped into the shower.
It was just 4pm by the time i reached town. And it so happened that Isetan was having a 3 day sale. I found myself browsing through the bed and linen section. There's something about sleeping on fresh, new sheets that crinkle to the sound of a warm body being pressed on it.
Grateful that my body understands the meaning of sleep again. I can forego knocking back sleeping pills to force me to sleep. Although in the past week i've found myself back on them just to regulate my sleeping. No longer living on an average of 2-4 hours of sleep a night, i am more than happy to take advantage of a comfy bed.
With 50% off on 400 thread count bed covers and a need to splurge, i headed over to the cashier. And as i was exiting the department store, i came across a store "that specialised in Buddha statues and artifacts from Nepal and India. An organisation that has 4 branches in KL and is under the spiritual direction of His Eminience Tsem Tulk Rinpoche."
My father has been practicing Buddhism for quite a number of years. As for myself my only connection is smelling the incense after he spends time in front of his alter praying. Although baptised and having gone through Communion, my religion is only skin deep. Only to visit a church should there be a death or wedding to celebrate, i am certainly no prized Catholic girl.
The woman at the store, recommended that i buy this one book, Nothing Changes, Everything Changes which are direct and original transcripts of talks done by H.E Tsem Tulk Rinpoche and for the first time i was able to look at my life in a different perspective, which in fact, was what is needed.
One in particular quote i found moving was...
It would have been past 1 in the morning when i was still engrossed in the book. When suddenly Smooks gets into the mental frenzy. And out of nowhere decides to leap forward and latch onto me. I spend the next few minutes trying to fight him off, only to lose and hide beneath my covers and eventually having to close the bedroom door.
I wake up in the morning and my cat is nicely sleeping beside me. I look down on my forearm and i'm decorated with slash marks. A scaled version of a failed suicide attempt or someone who is into self harm. Seriously, i can't even handle getting my blood taken, the thought of slitting my wrists already makes me dizzy. Don't worry i won't be slicing myself up anytime soon!
But i have been self medicating myself, of course with medication that the pharmacist recommended and good ole' Panadol. It took no longer than 20 minutes for the meds to kick in and i am no longer holding a tissue to my nose. I've given up with using a toilet roll paper to attend to the sniffles.
Unfortunately, i haven't seen those vitamin E impregnated tissues specifically made for sensitive runny noses. Although there is no comparison, i've managed to find Kleenex's Ultra Soft tissues. But what i would REALLY like is Kleenex Anti-Viral Tissue... suffocate the buggers to death before they're released back into the open!
And seeing that i spent over RM450 on bed linen, another RM35 for 20 bags of whole leaf Chai Tea bag from Coffee Bean wouldn't make much difference. Yes i know these are all material things... buts seriously, fuck it i think i deserve some pampering. It doesn't help that i'm not getting any TLC, so feeling sorry for myself [because i can] i might as well make myself feel temporarily better before i end up bedridden with some crippling virus.
But seriously, so what if i'm still bubbling with disappointment and anger? So what if i'm hurt!? This is not a cry to be dramatic and for once, this has nothing to do with what was once "us" and/or HIM for that matter.
In fact, i don't expect anyone or anything for that matter to be different. It is evident that it's me who is the only one affected. And to be honest, i'm slowly getting tired of feeling like this and i think i've had enough. [Perhaps i should reread the chapter that talks about "letting go of the past" but right now, i'm just going to let it simmer down].
It was just 4pm by the time i reached town. And it so happened that Isetan was having a 3 day sale. I found myself browsing through the bed and linen section. There's something about sleeping on fresh, new sheets that crinkle to the sound of a warm body being pressed on it.
Grateful that my body understands the meaning of sleep again. I can forego knocking back sleeping pills to force me to sleep. Although in the past week i've found myself back on them just to regulate my sleeping. No longer living on an average of 2-4 hours of sleep a night, i am more than happy to take advantage of a comfy bed.
With 50% off on 400 thread count bed covers and a need to splurge, i headed over to the cashier. And as i was exiting the department store, i came across a store "that specialised in Buddha statues and artifacts from Nepal and India. An organisation that has 4 branches in KL and is under the spiritual direction of His Eminience Tsem Tulk Rinpoche."
My father has been practicing Buddhism for quite a number of years. As for myself my only connection is smelling the incense after he spends time in front of his alter praying. Although baptised and having gone through Communion, my religion is only skin deep. Only to visit a church should there be a death or wedding to celebrate, i am certainly no prized Catholic girl.
The woman at the store, recommended that i buy this one book, Nothing Changes, Everything Changes which are direct and original transcripts of talks done by H.E Tsem Tulk Rinpoche and for the first time i was able to look at my life in a different perspective, which in fact, was what is needed.
One in particular quote i found moving was...
...What happened to us in the past is what we are now, but what will happen to us in the future depends on what we do now... [pp. 26-27].His words are easy to understand and for the first time, it all seems to make sense. And i couldn't help but think of HIM and I. So as i lay on my crispy new satin cotton 400 thread count bed sheets, i burned some incense to aid in the negative cleansing. And with my labradorite ring still on my finger, i was oddly relaxed.
It would have been past 1 in the morning when i was still engrossed in the book. When suddenly Smooks gets into the mental frenzy. And out of nowhere decides to leap forward and latch onto me. I spend the next few minutes trying to fight him off, only to lose and hide beneath my covers and eventually having to close the bedroom door.
I wake up in the morning and my cat is nicely sleeping beside me. I look down on my forearm and i'm decorated with slash marks. A scaled version of a failed suicide attempt or someone who is into self harm. Seriously, i can't even handle getting my blood taken, the thought of slitting my wrists already makes me dizzy. Don't worry i won't be slicing myself up anytime soon!
But i have been self medicating myself, of course with medication that the pharmacist recommended and good ole' Panadol. It took no longer than 20 minutes for the meds to kick in and i am no longer holding a tissue to my nose. I've given up with using a toilet roll paper to attend to the sniffles.
Unfortunately, i haven't seen those vitamin E impregnated tissues specifically made for sensitive runny noses. Although there is no comparison, i've managed to find Kleenex's Ultra Soft tissues. But what i would REALLY like is Kleenex Anti-Viral Tissue... suffocate the buggers to death before they're released back into the open!
And seeing that i spent over RM450 on bed linen, another RM35 for 20 bags of whole leaf Chai Tea bag from Coffee Bean wouldn't make much difference. Yes i know these are all material things... buts seriously, fuck it i think i deserve some pampering. It doesn't help that i'm not getting any TLC, so feeling sorry for myself [because i can] i might as well make myself feel temporarily better before i end up bedridden with some crippling virus.
But seriously, so what if i'm still bubbling with disappointment and anger? So what if i'm hurt!? This is not a cry to be dramatic and for once, this has nothing to do with what was once "us" and/or HIM for that matter.
In fact, i don't expect anyone or anything for that matter to be different. It is evident that it's me who is the only one affected. And to be honest, i'm slowly getting tired of feeling like this and i think i've had enough. [Perhaps i should reread the chapter that talks about "letting go of the past" but right now, i'm just going to let it simmer down].
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