Late night honest thoughts.

It hasn't quite hit me that i'm ACTUALLY going on my Getaway NEXT FRIDAY! I need this holiday to unwind, i need this time to think.

My place has remained cluttered since god knows when and i still haven't unpacked from my holiday down South. Yes, it STILL sits quietly in front of my couch beside Smooks' scratching post and works as a perfect foot rest.

I have a shit load of work to complete and a bunch of errands to do before i leave. But the urgency hasn't quite sunk in and i predict next week will be even more action packed. A visit to the shrink and Thyroid doctor next Tuesday for an update and a prescription top up, i can only hope everything remains normal and stable. And a mini spring clean up is overdue.

But putting aside my priorities for a moment, last night after spending a few hours doing work, i lay on my bed tossing and turning. Questions started to flood through my brain...

What kind of idiot accepts an invitation for coffee with a COMPLETE stranger? What has become of me? I've waited so long for this year but what if it wasn't worth waiting for?

I've been out of the dating circle for awhile CORRECTION I have never been in the dating circle and suddenly all of this doesn't sit too comfortably with me. I have learned to be the single one. I have adapted to my schedule almost perfectly, question is do i want to make space?

I admit, i do still think of HIM even though it's been so long. I'm stupid, i know. We don't talk anymore but i secretly miss him ever since we said our last good-bye. I've done practically everything to try and move on. Even putting myself through hell and back [unintentionally] and the thought of it is like a blade against my skin.

[Image stolen from gettyimages]

I've been the booty call. A kept secret. The used. The rebound. Just a number. A convenience. A simple mistake. The tease.

But it doesn't matter anymore what happens because i have managed to learn how to keep my emotions intact. Fear of intimacy? Maybe. Can't be fucked to try? I think so.

So i keep my secrets under lock and key. I continue to be selective on who i let into my life. I choose what i want to say and alter it accordingly. I hurt easily but i say it how it is even though i may come across as insensitive.

My dreams are filled with all sorts of promises but every day i hope for a better tomorrow...

K.I.S.S

KEEP
IT
SIMPLE
STUPID

A term i first heard from my writer some time ago after i spent hours stressing over a layout. Somehow with every movement of the cursor and every new shade i applied, it just was NOT working.

So for the past 2 days i've been trying to get my head around a format... a design... an ANYTHING... for phase 2 of PROJECT FamousType's marketing brochure. Browsing through what seemed like an endless number of design books with pretty pictures and structured grids and nothing seemed to rub off.

I temporarily lost my Creativity. And with the boss hovering around waiting to see SOMETHING, i could feel the pressure building.

Then EUREKA! With a few exchanged words and suggestions, we managed to finally get a direction that we both agreed on. Finally, my right side of the brain was back on track.

Stripping away the complexity and banking on the impact of the illustration, it seemed to fall into place. And you know what... it worked!

*Pat on the back*

Now that i'm at home, i can peel off my contact lens and take a breather. Then inhale my dinner like dust on a windy day before i get stuck back into work.

An impromptu late night geography lesson.

For those who know me well enough, i can be rather impatient and having to wait 5 full days to find out WHERE exactly MonorailTim is from would not only bug me but my imagination will run wild to the breaking point of craziness.

So last night i texted him to confirm the time and place [seeing that he did ask that i SMS him the exact location]. And i took the opportunity to try my luck in asking him where he got his accent from since it was a little hard for me to understand him earlier.

After much coaxing and dozens of messages later, i eventually asked him if he could tell me his full name, that way i could at least get a gist of which ethnic background he belonged to. And with much help from google i managed to type in key words that i dissected from the conversation. [Hey, i like to do a bit of research, just so i know what i'm getting myself into].

Eventually he came out with Central Asia. And my first guess was Kazakhstan. And when i told AnBloodyMum this morning, she laughed and said, "You probably only knew about that place from Borat". Which i admit, the country is NOT exactly one of the top places on my Places to Visit list and it's not exactly an area that i know anything about.

So anyway back to the informal interrogation, he finally came out with I'm from Kyrgyzstan. And with the instant help from google and wikepedia, i was able to get a short geography lesson. Which probably explains the accent and his mixed features.


I also found out that;

• Kyrgyzstan is a landlocked country in Central Asia, bordering Kazakhstan, China, Tajikistan and Uzbekistan.
  
• The mountainous region of the Tian Shan covers over 80% of the country.
• "According to July 2005 estimates, the population was 5,264,000, the large majority (76.1 percent) being Muslims." Which gives me a 23.9% chance that he's of another religion.
  

And that was when he asked the question "tell me about yourself" my answer was...

Well... im a graphic designer. i've been working in malaysia since 2003. I drink and i smoke. I'm open minded, blunt & a non-practicing Catholic. What about u?

[Images stolen from various people on Technorati]

So far i have managed to gather the following info;

• He is a 24 year old foreign student studying to be a public administrator.
• Is originally from Central Asia, more specifically Kyrgyzstan.
• Is learning English whilst finishing his degree. Example "... of cause, we have lot of friends, but sometime we feel along..." TRANSLATES TO "... of course we have a lot of friends but sometimes we feel ALONE..."
  
• Was quite apologetic when he left a large time gap between messages.
• His birthday is 1st of May, which makes him a Taurus.
  

Monorail Tim: So... Maybe after chatting, you won't meet? ;")
Tattoo Girl: No i was just curious about ur accent since u didn't tell me where ur from. of course we'll meet. it's not every day i get a stranger passing me his number.

Moronic POSSIBLE scenarios of WHY he's in this country;

• He's escaped from his semi-nomadic lifestyle because herding goat/sheep were too troublesome and he needed to do better for the community.
• He is in fact scared of horses because as a young child he fell off one whilst riding up one of the mountains tending to sheep and yaks.
• He isn't really a student but is in the country to find his 4th wife and figures my tattooed arm would bring good luck and i'll bear him his 1st son.
• He is able to make alcohol from fermented yaks milk and has been drinking since the age of 10. He is an alcoholic trying to mend his past.
  
• He is actually running for President or some high ranking official in his town and wants to know more about the Government hence getting an education in ummm... this country.

Intrigued by his accent. Where is he from?

OK so i finally gathered enough guts to call MonorailTim, this was only after talking to my mom and MissSeniorPisces for reassurance minutes prior.

Let me remind you that the last time i went on a date was with a friend of a friend over 2 years ago! But i am someone who frequently stated that she doesn't do dates. I'm not sure why, probably for the fear of rejection or something moronic.

But usually i've got a drink in my hand and intoxication manages to cloud my judgement. Somehow drunken number swapping always seem to be a good idea at the time. But this time round i had/have the upper hand and just as my mom had said, "you've got nothing to lose... just call". [Which is true, there's no harm in a simple phone call].

So i decided to give MonorailTim a call and after 2 attempts i kept getting the automatic operator saying that the number was incomplete! What the fuck, some guy gives me his digits and it ends up not working, what an anti-climax. So i figured i'd try again, 3rd time lucky, i might have just missed out on a digit.

THEN it rings.

I'm thinking, oh fuck no turning back now...

Hi. Can i please speak to Tim?
Yes. Who's this?
Ummm, you gave me your number on the Monorail yesterday...
Ahhh yes... i remember. What's your name?
Christina...

It sounded like he just woke up. It was 2.30pm and i couldn't help but say, sorry did i wake you? He went on to talk about how he only went to bed this morning. So i figured he was probably out at Zouk or indulged in one too many adult beverages. [Very good, the boy knows how to have a good time].

So then i asked if i should call him back, seeing that i caught him at the wrong time. Maybe he's hungover and has trouble keeping awake. But he seemed to be alright and we continued talking.

I changed the subject asking him where he was from [simple and straight to the point]. His answer was, i'm a foreigner. So when i asked whereabouts, his answer was, he'd rather tell me when he sees me. [RIIIIGHT, so this is his smooth way of asking me out].

So i figured, alright next question, "So are you working?"

I soon found out he's a student. And at first i thought, GREAT now i'm like a fuckin' paedophile. He went on to telling me what he was studying but maybe the reception was bad or i have trouble hearing but for the life of me, i could NOT understand what he was saying. I felt stupid asking him to repeat it over and over. And when i told him what i did for a living, he seemed more interested.

He had a strong accent that i couldn't quite put a finger on it. He sounded French but then again i thought he looked Chinese, there goes my prediction... ahahha. So i went on to asking how old he was. [The chances of him being below legal age did cross my mind and i didn't want to lead the poor chap on]. He says he's 24. Which then made him say "i'm guessing you're older than me". BINGO! "yea, 27 next month" but he didn't seem too disappointed, maybe he likes older women... maybe he thinks i'm like a sugar mama... I DON'T THINK SO!

He eventually confessed that the reason why he gave me his number is he really liked the tattoo on my arm. And asked if i had anymore. My answer to that was "a few" [he's probably visualizing me in some pornographic pose of some sort... ahahha]. He mentioned that he didn't have any tattoos on him but was very interested in them and wanted to find out the story behind mine. His words exactly, "i think your tattoo on your arm is nice, it's very sexy. I just wanted to get to know you..."

Then it got on to the topic of so when can we meet? I mentioned i had work all week and apparently he's studying for his exams since it's his last semester. So we made plans to meet over the weekend. I mentioned that since he wakes up late and so do i, we can meet for coffee. [I figured it's during the day and meeting in a public place would be safe].

After deciding on a time and place, we confirmed it was this coming Saturday that we'd meet up. 7 minutes and 10 seconds later our conversation ended with both of us saying, "...it was nice to meet you, i'll see you on Saturday".

So it's official. Chrissie has finally succumbed and is going on a first date!

*breathe*

Afternoon pick up

I've never liked the mullet but for some odd reason the hairdresser that i've been going to somehow manages to thin down my hair to a point where it looks slightly on the mullet side. Somehow the whole trailer trash come pirated VCD seller look doesn't sit too well with me.

And having being blessed/cursed with ridiculously straight hair the option for bouncy locks is not an option. And no, i will not perm my hair!

I decided to make an appointment to see my hair stylist, whom i haven't seen in the past year since moving to a different area code. The man responsible for transforming me from a modern day asian repunzel and introducing me to the astro boy era.

It was mid afternoon by the time i made it out and the sky was turning a darker shade of grey. And making no effort to disguise my semi-mullet, i grabbed my trusty black headband to keep the fly-aways in place. Dressed in a simple black singlet, 3/4 multi-coloured patterned skirt and my GAP slippers i headed to the monorail station and headed down town to the newly launched salon, The Met where my stylist is working before he runs off to Shanghai.

And as usual i had my headphones on and paying very little attention to my surroundings. But the strangest thing happened as soon as i got on the train. In the corner of my eye i noticed this guy standing about 2 metres away from me just looking in my direction. I figured he was staring out the window, just as i was staring straight ahead. By the time i got closer to my destination, more passengers were getting on, so i shifted my weight and tucked myself into an available corner.

But just as the train got to the next stop i felt someone tap me on the arm. I look up and THAT guy whom i briefly got a glimpse of passes me a folded piece of paper. My initial thought was i had dropped it and he was being polite by returning it.

I glanced at it and it was...


And before i even got a chance to say anything, the guy and his friend were out on the platform. I tried to get a better look at him but all i could see were the backs of heads and his friend slapping him on the back and probably saying, "Oh my gawd, i can't believe you ACTUALLY did it!"

So there i was standing there with a folded piece of paper surrounded by strangers and i'm sure my cheeks were one shade rosier.

Suddenly i was feeling like i was back in high school peering down on a piece of paper that had been slipped under my table, it seemed almost surreal. Never had i been 'picked up' in public in the mid afternoon and been approached in such manner. If i had known the minus-product-and-uneven-hair look was my ticket to being attached, it might have saved me some money but i must stick to my guns and SAY NO TO MULLETS.

So once i got home and my hair was finally trimmed back into shape, i returned a phone call to my dad and told him about my day. And instead of him saying i should be careful of strange people. He was happy for me and told me not to keep him waiting in anticipation, that is if i do decide to call him.

"Go for coffee or something" he says. "It's the polite thing to do seeing that he had enough courage to even pass you the note". See, even my dad is encouraging me to date!

Damn and i thought i had my "BITCH" look on today, i guess not. But i didn't think the word SINGLE was so visibly inscribed on my forehead. But kudos to MonorailTim for having enough guts in approaching a stranger.

But WHAT IF he ends up being some psychotic stalker or thinks i'm some floozy and he's only up for a good time? What if he doesn't speak English and is slightly fucked up in the head? I guess, i'm jumping the gun aren't i?

Is this one of the Windows of Opportunities? But this whole new world is not something i am used to and it makes me uncomfortable. Worst part is, i don't even remember what he looks like but from what i gather is he's asian of some sort, chinese possibly mixed and is somewhat tall.

Oh gawd, the ball is in my court and i don't know what to do!

Fondled liver and eased back tension.

What better way to end a relatively short yet semi-stressfull week at work but to get a stranger to fondle your feet. I'm not talking about getting some random pervert with a foot fetish and wants to give a foot massage, i'm talking about Reflexology.

The last time i got Reflexology done, i was left with bruised soles and feeling like i had my ovaries indirectly whipped. It took about a week for me to recover and during which time i was practically slapping my feet on the ground with every step.

Anyway, it was just past 7.30pm and i had been so engrossed in my work that i didn't realise i was one of the last to leave. I'm guessing everyone is still in the CNY mood hence the deserted office. I, on the other hand was having issues all week with my back and shoulders, which of course didn't help in my mood department but i was too busy trying to get the 2nd direction approved to make a fuss.

But i'm glad that i pulled through cause not only did my boss and i practically nail the 2nd option but he's happy with the results, which is MORE IMPORTANT. So now all i have to do is apply the same technique to the other posters and start getting into the marketing brochure by Monday... *sigh*

And already being forewarned that the deadline is tight, once the brochure is sorted, i need to start thinking about the commercials. I'm actually going to be doing above-the-line work too on top of what i usually am used to. WoooOoooh... maybe this is my one opportunity to make it or break it? HA! Yea right. Never the less it's still nerve wrecking since it will go International and be featured in various publications... This is when i say, OH MY FUCKING GAWD!

But not only is this when my stress levels get put up a notch or two but sleepless nights are to follow. But the only thing keeping me from NOT flipping out or having another anxiety attack is i have to constantly remind myself that in 2 weeks i'll be jumping on a plane for my birthday Getaway!

But i decided that no amount of alcohol would help relieve the stress and built up tension. And keeping to my spontaneity i opted to save my liver from being drowned by liquor and treated myself to a Reflexology 45 minute session just down the road from my office. And although some areas were excruciatingly painful, specifically the area that reflects my shoulders, lungs and liver.

It was probably a smart move that i opted to stay indoors tonight and to be honest Friday's at home has never felt more relaxing.

Kick to the right side

I'm sure everyone will agree any form of rejection is always a blow to one's ego. And then to have a design repeatedly rejected is just as disappointing.

For the past week i've been racking my brain to come up with a decent direction. CORRECTION... a direction that my boss approves of. Let's name this job, PROJECT FamousType.

So trying to see eye to eye with my boss who not only is unable to justify why the layout is not working but to simply dismiss it, is damn frustrating! Then to be told that if i can't get the typography right NOW, i won't get it at all. He might as well have said, gawd Christina you're a shit designer, i'm surprised you even HAVE a job.

Which of course he didn't. But then again, it was him that did hire me and i can only assume he was able to see SOME creative spark in me.

But before going on my CNY break i was in a discussion with him but due to his incoming phone call and my desperate need to catch a bus to head South, i had to leave half way through our meeting. And as i was practically running out the door, he mentioned i BETTER get my design sorted out by the end of the week...

And that deadline happens to be tomorrow.

So not only did i spend my holiday STRESSED the fuck out because i questioned my capabilities as a designer but i realised my creative ability had gone to the shits! Seriously, if i can't get a simple layout done, what is the point of my job?

And since returning to work yesterday, i've been concentrating on trying to get a layout that my boss agrees on. Convinced that if i didn't get it right this time, i might as well starting looking into finding a new job. I think i saw a notice for shop assistant down the road... *sigh* I wonder if they hire expats?

I am almost certain my previous job drained every creative juice in my body. You can't begin to understand how disappointing it is to be told that the work that i did during my university and Honor year was far more impressive then what i produced during 3 years in a full paying job.

I had in fact slipped and suddenly i felt i was not worthy of my title.

So being given a second chance at picking up the pieces i KNOW i can do better. And with a few kicks to the butt not only has scared the living crap out of me but being employed as a Graphic Designer is the only thing i know how to do.

To be honest, not only would i fail as a cashier if i didn't have a calculator but the thought of wearing a hair net and smelling like grease doesn't sit too well with me... sorry. Fortunately, i STILL have a job and thankfully it's the only thing that pays for my rent and keeps me from not bludging off my folks anymore.

BUT i am happy to say 3 out of 11 layouts have been given the OK. Now it's on to the the 2nd direction, which he's pretty much mapped out for me, i just have to scrape together enough creative dust around me to execute it. So far it's looking positive.

*Fingers crossed*

One of my favorites; Maybe Tomorrow

If you get a chance, you should watch/listen to Stereophonics - "Maybe Tomorrow" Live in Dakota. Unfortunately, i can't embed it but click on the previous link if you like the song... his voice is amazing and it makes me all mushy each time i listen to it.

You can check out their site at stereophonics.com

The hooker red nails ushers in the luck

Apparently, those who celebrate the lunar new year, one should wear RED upon returning to work, most importantly the first day. Somehow symbolic when attracting good luck and a colour that somehow drives away misfortunes.

It seems like i missed out on that Lunar Memo because not only am i not wearing anything new today but no item of clothing can be excused as red. Although i'm hoping my painted nails that i so proudly named "hooker red nails" in front of my dad's face will excuse my ignorance.

But i admit i am a sucker for horoscopes and all that mumbo jumbo, in the west my birth date falls under Pisces and it's encouraging to hear predictions such as "You will be going through a lot of positive changes regarding your feelings this year, and it will make an enormous difference in your life." And according to the Chinese lunar calendar my year is the Monkey, more specifically i am a Metal Monkey.

But for fun's sake i thought i'd add the Naughty Romance Horoscope for good measure...

• The Piece Of Ass... Thanks to the extra helpings.
  
• Caring And Kind... So my kitten likes to think.
  
• Smart... I'd like to thank my parents for giving me an education...
  
• Center Of Attention... There's a ho in us all.
  
• Too Sexy, Damn It... LOL.
  
• Very High Sex Appeal... Really!? Since when?
  
• Has The Last Word... Not always.
  
• The Best To Find, Hardest To Keep... Like finding a RM100 note hidden in your back pocket.
  
• Fun To Be Around... I have my moments.
  
• Freak In The Sheets... No comment.
  
• Extremely Weird But In A Good Way... That's like saying "hmmm she's different but nice different..."
  
• Super Good In Bed... That's ONLY because i give them what they want.
  
• Good Sense Of Humor!!! Thoughtful... Like great wine, it matures over time.
  
• A Partner For Life... aka Obsession
  
• Always Gets What He Or She Wants... I disagree.
  
• Loves To Joke... I admit my sense of humor is slightly twisted.
  
• Very Popular... with underage and people who like to think they know me.
  
• Silly, Fun And Sweet... like edible underwear.
  

And having said when i was a little lass that "when i'm 27 something good is going to happen but i'm not sure what..." And it seems like the Pisces horoscope overview states something similar, "Pisces is having a once in a lifetime opportunity for great changes this year. You will be having the time of your life, expressing your loving and compassion to the world and fulfilling your boldest dreams."

Well noooOooow... who knew i was able to predict the future.

The good, the bad and the painful...

After 6 plus hours on a bus traveling back North, not only is my arse slightly numb from the lack of circulation but my back is killing me.

It didn't help that the couple in front of me decided to push their chairs ALL the way back. Not only did my laptop get momentarily squished but it enabled me to literally count the hairs on the wife's knuckles as she opted to dangle her arms behind her head rest. But if i were a monkey i would be able to examine her head for ticks without much effort, seeing that all i had to do was sit up straight in my chair. And staring down on her gray hairs that were in desperate need of some serious TLC and conditioner.

Eventually, they figured out that i wasn't going to push MY chair back and were kind enough to push it SLIGHTLY forward.

So once everyone was settled, i later watched some lame arse movie starring a fighting chimpanzee out to save some people. I lost interest the minute i saw the chimp dressed in a ninja outfit doing a flying kick and later throwing snow balls to distract the guards. Uhhh... what the? Seriously, it's no wonder it never made it to the big screen.

Instead, i'll show you a trailer of one of my favorite movies. A movie i used to watch back in the early 90s with the bunch of friends i'd hang out with regularly. A time when sleep overs were part of every weekend. A year that we just started high school and our fake ID was our ticket to getting wasted...

3 points of Laziness and a whole load of carbs.

I can’t say I did much this holiday except for indulge in some serious binge eating and attempt to overdose on vitamin C. I slept around midnight and didn’t wake up till it was lunch. Much like a sloth, my movements have been slowed down, perhaps to conserve energy for upcoming events… events I’m not quite sure of yet.

And when I am at home, unless something is urgent, my weekends are spent sleeping and lazing around. That is if I CAN sleep or with the trusty help of pharmaceuticals. Usually rotating between my bed, my laptop on my dining table and lying on the couch watching tv. I live an exciting life. If I were really lazy, I would combine the 3 so I wouldn’t have to get off my arse but I figured that would require some rearranging and a bit too extreme.

But not much changes when I come visit my folks. The only difference is the distance between each point is further and access to shopping malls requires more traveling. But seeing that it’s the New Year, majority of the shops are closed, following superstitions that it is better luck to reopen on the 3^rd day, I’ve spent a huge portion of my holiday munching on tidbits and consuming more perishable items than usual.

Which can only mean one thing. Clothing that once were loose fitting are either snug or bursting at its seams. I found some clothes that I used to wear back in my uni days and figured 6 years isn’t that long ago. That was until I tried on my SATCH jeans and my legs looked more like sausages in very tight sleeves, definitely not a look I can pull off.

Perhaps I could blame the years of sitting behind a computer is the reason for my hips to slowly grow further apart hence extra inches. And the extra helpings of pasta added an extra layer of cushion to my rear. Or it could be the combination of my '3 points of laziness' routine that is responsible for my jeans never being able to see the light of day any time soon.

Seriously, I need to inject some form of exercise into my routine. And running up and down the steps at the office for a cigarette break ain't cuttin' it. Maybe i'm feeling slightly on the frumpy side of life and need a wardrobe or serious make over. Or maybe i just need to start getting fit, like most women, I don’t want to be single AND saggy by the time I’m 30.

Vanity can be so cruel at times.

But looking at the clock, I have to catch a bus back in less than 2 hours. I think I might try and sneak in a bit of shopping before I head home.

Traditionally untraditional

Today happens to be the 1^st day of the lunar New Year and according to the calendar it’s the year of the golden pig.

But it’s been a number of years since my family has celebrated the full-blown Chinese way. When my sister and I were younger we’d follow our parents to visit their friends houses and to wish “uncles” and “aunties” a happy new year. Never mind that they weren’t actually ‘family’ but being brought up in a western culture it seemed odd to call an elder Auntie So-and-so when in fact they had no blood relations.

Even to this day, I rarely greet elders with the title Auntie or Uncle. It’s not because I’m trying to rebel against tradition or want to be rude, i just have not been raised to say that to another and feel more comfortable addressing them as Mr or Mrs Insert-surname. I blame the Western side of me.

Gone are the days where I’d hear BINGO in the corner and Auntie Sylvia call out “ 2 fat ladies… eight… eight, eighty-eight” followed by a string of laughs by those listening.

It’s been years since our family has done our rounds of visiting friends and relatives. Much like Christmas, our celebration is kept low profile and is purely for close family and friends. And the only tradition that my mother adheres to is to visit her best friend of 35 years on the 2^nd day of the lunar New Year. A time where grand kids and friends gather whilst sipping alcohol and munching on home made popiah.

But out of respect for my mother who does celebrate Chinese New Year, I make an effort to see her during this festive season. Not so much in tradition since the only signs that my parents household does celebrate is the huge basket of mandarin oranges in the corner and the boxes of nibbles on the coffee table and of course the ang pow that I receive from them.

And my day was spent in front of the tv watching Animal Planet with the folks and nibbling on love letters and peanut cookies. Then later eating one of my mom’s grandmother’s vegetarian recipes for lunch. Having tossed the Yee Sang on the eve of the new year, traditionally saved for the 3rd day, i wonder what else will be different this year?

But following our family’s non-traditional ways, my folks and I will have Lebanese food for dinner followed by a visit to the pet store so I can purchase unnecessary items for my soon-to-be spoilt kitten.

But to those readers who do celebrate this lunar New Year... here's hoping the year brings lots of luck, better health and happy times for everyone. I won't wish for Love but hey, there's no harm in askin'.

Barney and officers continue to test my patience.

I made it over the border after being seated behind a couple and a toddler high on sugar. The aisle isn’t all that big and having to watch a 5ft 11in man stoop down to grab hold of his child’s hand as she catwalks her way up and down gets a tad tiring.

You could see his apologetic face each time his child swatted her way past someone or refused to sit quietly. At one point I must have given him a WHY CAN’T YOU KEEP YOUR KID ON A LEASH glare before he was quick to whip out a talking Barney the purple dinosaur as a means of distraction. I couldn't decide which one was more annoying.

By the time I got to the border I was tired and stressed out from work. All I wanted to do was get to the other side with as little effort as possible. I’ve done this trip so many times the only difference was I traveled with a baggage full of stress and worries.

But nooOOooo… not only did i have to line up behind some guy who forgot to fill out his immigration card but the second line i chose to stand in had visa issues. So i figured 3rd time lucky, i'd go to the last booth and when it was finally my turn the customs had decided to act like they didn’t know where my last entry stamp was.

Clearly an excuse to examine which other countries I’ve traveled to and a reason to prolong my wait. One would think as a customs officer looking at hundreds of passports a day, it wouldn’t be so difficult. I'm sure they've seen E.U passports before! But mine had to be the lucky one to get a full examination as he nodded each time he came past an expired visa or unfamilar stamp.

So with one guy flipping from page 1 when clearly it would have made sense to start from the last page, the other was impressed with my nationality. And even took the initiative to say my full name out loud hoping that would impress me. He pronounced it wrong but I still gave him a half arsed smile.

Then it took another officer to have one glance at the second to last page of my passport [which I had pointed out to the guy earlier that that was my last entry stamp]. And all i could think in my head was "Hello! How hard is it to match the stamp on my immigration card and in my passport?"

Keeping my manners in check, i said thanks and gave them my half arsed smile once they gave me the chop and then they had the nerve to continue to flirt with me as i rushed towards the bus.

Uh oh

Oh shit! I'm going to be late for my bus...

A whole new world of communication

I spent my Wednesday evening being entertained by 3 friends and an 11 month old. And for the first time, i didn't actually make a child cry but then again i'm thinking it could be the excitement of my MaryPoppinsRed bag that distracted her.

And let me tell you it's been a long time since i've had such quality time with individuals whom i can have a conversation and good laugh with. Never mind that these are the very same people that i spend 5 days a week at work with.

It was a nice change to be around people who not only spoke a language that i could understand but were on the same wave length. And although i will not make a big deal about it when people run on tangents in dialects i can't comprehend, i was just saying it was nice not having to tune out for once.

I can't remember the last time i was surrounded by so many females that weren't the girlfriend or sister of a friend. Reason being that majority of the individuals i know and i consider mates just so happen to be male. Maybe that's why guys don't approach me... hmmm.

I mean i don't exactly have a crate full of applicants waiting on me hand and foot. In fact, none to tell you the truth. I'd like to think that there is someone out there for me, just like any hopeful would. The only difference is, the older i get, the more selective i am [which is a very good thing] and the older one gets the more independent one becomes.

And just like i make last minute decisions and squeeze in the random road trip now and again, i realised i am in NO RUSH to settle down. The freedom of being single is my passport to a world of exploration. And all that keeps me stationery is a work permit.

Oh and not to embarrass the sender but i received a SMS from a complete random [012.978.XXXX] and i couldn't help but laugh. It totally made my day...

Can i b your bf

I mean seriously, i know i'm lazy but your sentence is short enough to allow full spelling and punctuation. Plus it would help if i knew who the sender was that way i could put a face to the letters. I perfectly understand if Time is of Essence and the dating world is cruel but i do have a few boundaries and restrictions.

OH and while you're at it, you might as well add multiple answers to what bf could stand for. For example a) Big Feline b) Bald Ferret c) Bull Fighter d) None of the above.

I SWEAR... IH8VDAY.

Let me begin by saying, i am not a hater, i just hate the game.

And for those browsing through sites/blogs today, you're bound to be confronted with topics ranging from painted hearts and faded kisses to sad tales of a loved one in mourning.

One could argue that i'm only bitter because a) i don't have that special someone to share my fantasies with or my personal life for that matter b) i won't receive ridiculously over priced flowers c) indulge in chocolates that i don't actually like that much d) get smothered with cute pet names that only my partner calls me e) my list continues...

In fact, some people will rant on about how Hallmark is to blame for this hype but that's a whole different ball game. In fact there has been an increase in Anti-VDay popularity [read it here]. So much so, that one can even purchase clothing that prove how much they deteste this very day [buy them here]. But then there are those who dedicate a portion of their time trying to explain their reasons for their hatred and what better way to title their site, L.I.E - Love Is Evil.

I admit, when i WAS in a relationship my partner did buy me flowers and i adored them even when they were wilting and on the brink of death. And when my roses were no longer boasting a crimson shade, i was responsible for hanging them upside down days after they were received. Reason being that i could extend their shelf life even if mold and cobwebs had got the better of them.

Perhaps i fell in love too early in life. I committed myself to a relationship that later i knew had no future. What can one say about 8 years? It was both an obsession and a craving. I craved for attention and the one person that i needed it most from didn't understand until it was too late.

Boy and Girl play in their fantasy world.
Boy breaks her heart. Girl wins boy back.
Boy falls in love with another. Boy breaks up with Girl.
Girl loses hope. End of story.

He was sad because i was unhappy. I was unhappy because i was sad. It was a lose - lose situation. But i loved him for the longest time and he knew it. Just as i knew when he stopped loving me. But for those of you who have been following, this is old news that's been recycled in all sorts of shapes and sizes.

I know i have regurgitated my past to the point of exhaustion. Yes i will shut up now. Like many, i occupied myself with issues/work just so i didn't have to deal with my problems.

Just like broken glass, i try to sweep it under the carpet along with everything else and pretend like nothing happened. But then again, isn't that the easy way out?

But instead of manifesting over issues this Wednesday, i'm going to spend my evening with some friends whilst Mamy Poko flashing Piscean entertains her mother and 3 fellow pisceans with her one syllable dribble.

Open vault

Today was not the first time i woke up in a foul mood. And i knew the minute i got up, i was going to have a shit day.

I'm sure i took my meds yesterday [or maybe i forgot... even that i can't remember!] Call me Careless but i have a habit of forgetting even the most important things. Seriously, if i had sticky notes coming out of my arse, i'm sure i'd just take one look at them and like running water, it would trickle away and be forgotten in no time. What is the point?

Then several thoughts circulated in my head as i got changed for work a) i was going to be late for work b) my brain was hurting c) i was irritated because my next door neighbor was banging the shit out of something d) I'm inching towards my late twenties and i still can't trust myself [be it sober or under the influence] e) i have missed so many of my doses in the past few months, there is no urgency to pick up my prescription.

I promised myself i wouldn't put myself in the same situation but i did. I drown my worries and this time it back lashed. An accidental mix up and i've really had enough of waking up and not remembering. Strangely, there seems to be a pattern and like most habits, the older one gets, it seems harder to break.

Then i was thinking, could i have somehow developed some passive-aggressive traits along the way? Have i got sucked into my own routine that i have forgotten what it's like to include others in my life? And for those 8 years i made every effort to be part of someone else's life, i in fact was running away from dealing with my own?

And like a trusty old rubber band, i snapped and am now left to figure how it looked like before it all started.

Could it be why the other night when i was having dinner with my dad, our conversation steered towards my emotional level. That they are concerned that i do not have a 'someone' to talk to about my problems. In his words "...a boyfriend, or a girlfriend, or a relationship...".

HOLD UP!

Did he say girlfriend? Or was he just meaning a friend of the same sex? Either way, have my parents got to the point that any form of relationship is better than none? I know my mom is in no rush for me to get hooked up, if anything she encourages me to live life and perhaps date as many people. I am preparing for an interrogation over the weekend.

In fact, to tell you the truth i wouldn't know what to do with a relationship. And as i have said to many of my close friends, I DON'T DATE. Fear of not meeting up to their expectations? Maybe. Or it could be that i'm just too chicken shit and damn right lazy. Perhaps, i've developed a case of Fear of intimacy.

Whatever it is, over time i've adapted to liking my space much like a hermit crab. If it means dumping thoughts onto a blank screen in a vault that is visible for the virtual world to see, to relieve some frustration... i guess a girls gotta do what a girls gotta do.

Familiar grounds

Apart from getting completely wasted on Friday [not intentionally as i figured i might have accidently drank some OTHER persons drink by accident].

But Friday was packed with all sorts of adventures. Tried to jump into a cab but how odd that suddenly cab drivers got a dose of amnesia and didn't know my destination. NEVER MIND. I ventured out to my old office, jumped on the LRT just as the sun was out in full glory and at the same time roasting myself under the heat.

[If it weren't for the fact that i was desperate to get reimbursed for my PROJECT Getaway, i wouldn't have gone to that side of town... it was lunch time, Friday prayers and extremely hot].

Walking up the escalators i was greeted by an unfamiliar secretary. It made me feel like i had trampled on foreign ground. Then i saw my old colleagues having a smoke at the reception and for a moment, it felt like old times only difference was i wasn't hearing my name blared out on the intercom.

As i made my way through the office, stopping by several desks and giving out hugs freely, it dawned on me how much things had changed. Or could it be, that i had changed? Most likely. And perhaps the sun did its magic because apparently, i was beaming happiness [or it could be that i was in fact suffering from sun stroke].

I took in a deep breath and as i continued on towards my old department, memories came flooding in, both good and bad. I was confronted with a slice of life that i had once endured. And when asked how long it had been since i left, i didn't realise it had actually been 9 months since i was last in this office.

Yes, the very same office i spent, on average, 12-16 hour days working. The same chapter that pacified my lowest point in my life and pushed me to dance on the edge of sanity daily. I had in fact lost it.

But as i exited, i exhaled and looked straight ahead. Then i realised, i am one step ahead and i am in fact slowly moving on.

XPARTY partially remembered

As usual, the night began at Terrace Bar with Heinekin. As time ticked on, more and more people arrived. Tonight was XPARTY with Bass Agents + Fono. Supastar and Agro were in no hurry to get inside, as they were only scheduled to start playing at 1am. But for some, the party had begun and Black Label was the flavor for the night. It was just past midnight when we decided to go inside.

By the time the boys came on, Zouk was packed! It was nearly impossible to move anywhere without getting smooshed into the corner. Having found myself a place to sit, i pretty much stayed there all night.

That was until i decided i'd take some photos and make my rounds of hugs. Which often was followed by, "CHRISSIE... HAVE A DRINK WITH ME!" So me being me and welcomed to the idea, i say SURE thing... THANKS!

Which is probably something i shouldn't do too often, as i can never be too sure what is actually being poured into it. Except that it "smells" like whiskey and any odd taste can easily be mistaken for a bad mix.

And although that night was not the first time my drink MIGHT have been laced with something other than liquor. One can never tell who was responsible. I admit, i don't remember much of what happened after i took the following photos. Because one second i'm chatting and smiling and then the next i'm chucking part of my guts out... *hides*

[To view the above images, you can perve on them at winkris.multiply.com/photos/album/18].

So i get ushered home and hopefully without making a huge scene, i get back home in one piece. But then again, the chances of making a silent getaway is slim slim seeing that the venue was packed like a can of sardines. I'm just hoping i didn't embarrass myself or do anything stupid prior to being rescued.

My journey home has mysteriously been erased from my memory banks and about 90% of happened in the hours following, i can't remember. But i can only piece together what i think might have happened. But the 10% that i do recall is very sketchy and it's one of those things that all one can do is accept it and move on.

But a lot went on when i got home but unfortunately only segments flash through my mind. Which in a way is quite freaky since it was apparent i was semi-functional and even had enough energy to take a shower [which i don't remember doing]. Honestly, i can't imagine myself climbing over the bathtub and standing up right without smacking my head on the side. In fact, i don't remember even how i got up the stairs.

KEYNOTE: Consciousness is the lesser of all evils.

Subconscious nocturnal one night stand on repeat.

For the past few days, i've had the most unrestful sleep. Maybe there was a collision of stars or my brain is overloaded. And even with the aid of Stilnox, all that does is initiate the sleep. But once my head hits the pillow, i enter a world packed with colour and emotion. Best described as somewhat realistic but with an absurd twist of fantasy.

And at times, my dreams are set in such a way that society would find inappropriate to anyone below legal age. In fact, i am certain i would be arrested for indecent exposure and attract an army of perverts and exhibitionists. But then again, blogs are just as bad.

There was a time when sleep meant it was a gateway for my mind to wander through the nocturnal world of erotica. And not like i am ashamed of it, hell, my mind swims in the gutter every other minute of my waking hours. So i can't blame my subconscious self for being influenced.

But last night i reenacted a one night stand. The only difference was it was my subconscious getting in on the action, or the lack of it as you will soon find out.

In my dream he was in a relationship but in real time, he was not. HELLO! I'm not a home wrecker! And as though a bolt of common sense had struck him, it was too late, he had in fact committed adultery. In my nocturnal madness the girlfriend had caught us in the act, seconds after the guilty party had realised what he had done. There was no passion, it was based on secrecy. I was his best kept secret.

There i was unable to run from a girlfriend who's mission was to run me over with her Cadillac. And then it dawned on me, why was i being punished when her partner was instantly forgiven? I called out her name and she stared at me with eyes filled with daggers [metaphorically of course] and he disappeared into the shadows.

I woke up and i was alone. I had banned Smooks from sleeping beside me due to his new found obsession of playing with my blinds beside my dressing table. Plus his demonic attacks would often occur just as i am about to sleep.

Everything was quiet and it was just past 5 in the morning. Had i only been asleep for an hour? And i remembered, we will always be unfinished business.

PHARMACY excites me!

You have no idea how superdooperfuckin' excited i am. Check out the flyer! For more details and the full line up, you can visit www.hardwarecorp.com.au.

My last Pharmacy event in Melbourne was 2 years ago. I returned to a scene that had changed heaps but this time round i know it will be different. And although i'm not a huge fan of the venue, i'm really looking forward to the night catching up with those who played for HARDSEQUENCE, long lost friends and those i am yet to meet.

And of course i'll be taking my camera, so you'll be sure to see HEAPS of photos when i'm there!

REINFORCE smiles on 03 FEB 2007

Take my hand and let's frolic down memory lane...

Remember the sounds of a harder style with DJ Learn and Drive. Take home an intoxicated smile and wake up to another day.

Should you care to view these and more, you can perve on them at winkris.multiply.com/photos/album/17.

Invasion takes over

They say dreams are ones' subconscious digesting what goes on around them. An attempt to make sense of ones' daily's affairs. Taking familiar faces, situations and landmarks and combining them so it's a little bit easier to comprehend. More than often my dreams don't make any sense but then again, most will agree.

Last night i dreamt i was back in Melbourne. Living in the two-storey townhouse that my parents had bought years ago and invested in so that when i went to university, i'd have a place to live. Unfortunately, with my rejected PR application there was no need for them to keep the unit. So along with the memories and my staircase that i hand painted blue during winter, the two-storey unit was sold.

Anyway, everything was exactly how i remember it to be. I had re-enacted that day my place got broken into. Only difference was my back door to my little garden had fallen off its hinges. In my dream, nothing was taken except i had an eery feeling that those responsible would return. It's a re-occuring dream of invasion of privacy.

And as predicted, 3 hours post Stilnox kicking in, i woke up lying on my bed trying to remove the image of strangers in my head. Smooks lay stretched beside my foot and was playing footsie, as if he was reassuring me that i was no where near danger.

And for those who have only just bit into my slice of life, there was a time where my few hours of rest [if that's what you could call it] was haunted with explicit and vivid dreams. At one point, it was nearly impossible to get a full cycle of sleep [approximately 3 hours]. And when i did manage to sleep, purely out of exhaustion, i was sandwiched between my reality and my subconscious.

Insomnia was not something i suffered from during my early years of childhood. And i blame it entirely on the side effects of my meds [as a result of stress, various other idiotic issues and disorders].

I admit i have a strong love/hate relationship with my medication. But just when things were going relatively smooth, some other factor has to come in and knock me on my arse! I am meant to have my meds reduced next month but i can't risk having a relapse knowing that the next coming months will mean a huge increase in workload.

And although it's rare for young adults to have a heart attack before they're 30, i don't think i am physically and mentally able to handle the pressure again. Or is this another test?

It is nearly impossible for me to understand, let alone any sane person to comprehend what i'm talking about. But i'm telling you now, i am more frightened than ever, knowing there is a smidgen of chance there COULD be a rerun of what i endured in the last year and a half.

And to add to my laundry list of questions of WHY!?

Why is it that fate delivers an opportunity to earn extra to make life a little more cushiony but then ones' full-time job goes full steam ahead? The pressure is on... question is, how long can i last?

Take these pills that keep me sane
and allow me to take a sober breath.
I hide to save you from my problems

I don't even know You
But why do i keep breaking?

Who will love me when all i do is shy away?
I have lost my freewill to Trust but the truth is
I never trusted myself to begin with

PROJECT Getaway - Stage 1: Restrain oneself

CONSIDER IT DONE - 06 FEB 2007

• Change return flight so my boss doesn't kick my arse and never approves any future holidays.
• Pay Penalty fee [RM200] for being so gung ho and buying a ticket before i got my leave approved.
  
• Complete and hand over 2 deadlines.
  

Now all i have to do is save like a crazy mofo for the next month.

I paid 90% of my bills, February's rent and monthly payment for my computer over the weekend and just when i thought everything was sorted i remembered one important bill. I still have this months' credit card bill due in over a week. Suddenly the responsibilities of being an adult doesn't seem so fun after all.

My only solution is to dip into my other savings account that i've left standing stagnant because my ATM card expired. The bank is so damn far from where i live and yes, i am that damn lazy. And to be honest, there isn't all that much in that account to make a huge effort.

It's moments like these i wish i lived in a Monestary. I'm not sure how long i would last though as the vow of silence can't last too long and i don't think they would approve my habits. The thought of running around covered head to toe doesn't sit too well. But then again, there's something strangely perverse about the whole innoncent façade much like the school teacher or japanese school girl look.

But in all seriousness, i'm starting to feel a bit of a pinch in my funds. And although i could possibly still survive on alternating serves of pasta, instant noodles and fried egg sandwiches for dinner for the next month, the temptation to spend money in the newly open mall has got me itching to whip out my plastic.

BUT i am proud to say, that i had enough will power to stop myself from buying the RM160 red leather shoes at the new high end Vinci. So whilst my colleagues splurged on shoes and gets to flounce around the office, i on the other hand sit beside 2 bags of groceries.

And with V-day just around the corner, it makes me want to lash out and rip every obese looking cupid cut out i see and stab it repeatedly with its' arrow. I can't even remember what a V-day feels like... it's mushy and makes me ill. And as much as i emphasise how V-Day is just Hallmark's ploy to brainwash the masses, i received a white rose from some stranger that was giving them out and attached to it was a booklet promoting BSC plus a sample of L'Occitane eye balm.

GREAT! The only flower i get is from some stranger who would have remembered me for all of 5 seconds and should this free sample work, i'll have bagless eyes for all of a few minutes. And best of all, the only one to appreciate my panda ring-less eyes is my 6 months old kitten, who evidently has balls and who gets excited over plastic and painted toenails.

Lovely.

He said YES but...

Monday started off with a Creative meeting with the big honcho. Which could only mean a) there's a problem b) some arse whoopin' would be done c) work update. So nobody got shouted at except there's some kind of internal civil war going on that i didn't know about. We walked into the conference room, the big boss was scribbling on the white board.

He was basically giving us a heads up on the HUGE wave of work load that'll be coming in and i mean MASSIVE. So far the list stands at 30, yes three zero! And with 8 designers currently working on jobs, it seems almost impossible that this record breaking attempt will be achieved without a few mental breakdowns. But should it get to the point of suicidal, he is willing to hire more designers to make our lives just a little bit less stressful.

So you can imagine how freaked out i was. My only thoughts were, SHIT... there goes my Getaway holiday! Might as well have ripped up some money because there's no way i'm going anywhere soon.

By the time the meeting was over, i didn't think it would be appropriate to remind my boss... AGAIN about my leave. But then he calls me into his office and i am quick to mention that i had no idea there'd be as much work coming in. He then mentions he will approve my leave but would prefer that i not take the 2 weeks off i had requested. Which i didn't want to argue with and said i'd check flight availabilities.

So instead of spending 3 weekends in my Happy Place, i am forced to spend 2 weekends. Which is better than nothing but still, it just means less time to unwind before i get thrown into a hurricane of deadlines and sleepless nights.

But seeing that i purchased my ticket during the MATF [which ends tomorrow], it means that i will have to pay a penalty fee of X amount and that is if there are any flights available during the promotional period. So i'm up bright and early tomorrow and making my way back to the ticketing office.

So my only choice is to leave Melbourne on a midnight flight on Monday or Tuesday and arrive back at KLIA around 6am. And my plan is to make my way home to drop off my suitcase and get my arse to the office [that is if i don't pass out somewhere along the line].

I will get lost in the crowd at Pharmacy and i will dance till its daylight, not once but twice. I can start my 27th year with a clean slate. I will catch up with my best friend whilst sipping my favorite coffee. I will chain smoke with my beautiful tramp over martinis. I will have lunches and drinks with past friends whom i have lost contact with. Basically i'm going all out on this trip and making the most of what i can.

It's been an intense and mind crippling 2 years and this is my gift to myself. So you know what, fuck it... 32 more sleeps to go! NOW that... is FUCKIN' RAWKIN!

Venturing outside my comfort zone back to a world i thought i knew.

Having not seen my mates since the start of the year, i figured i'd make an effort to make an appearance. Although i am almost certain my missing-in-action status had not even crossed any of their minds. So anyway, the DarkRaverz had a gig last night and i thought i'd go and support them. And being the dedicated trooper that i am i sent a SMS to Goatboi in the afternoon, assuming that he'd be going and if i could grab a lift from him.

I promised my dad i'd slow down on my drinking, as it's nearly impossible for me to just have the ONE drink and leave it at that. One drink is usually followed by another and another, which not only was bad for my liver but was evident in my bank balance. However, as expected my love for whiskey + water returned last night and temporarily gave me that confidence that i needed to feel at ease.

And like an owl perched on a branch i sat watching a group of kids dance to the tunes that Drive was spilling out of the speakers. I couldn't help but envy their carefree attitudes and how once upon a time i was just as enthusiastic. Where has she gone?

Surrounded by familiar faces and individuals i call friends, i couldn't help but feel like a fish out of water. And as predicted i kept myself occupied by hiding behind a camera.

As i continued knocking back one glass after the other, i eventually unleashed an emotional side of me that unfortunately my friend had to witness. It didn't help that i drank so much, i can't actually remember specific details but i'm sure i was slurring my merry-go-round words. So i just wanted to say thanks for being so patient and listening to me.

They do say, in order to tell what a true, honest smile looks like, one only has to look at the persons eyes. When a person is not faking a smile, wrinkles on the side of the eyes, also known as crows feet, appears. And it was only through the help of Black Label and Carlsberg that those wrinkles appeared.

I later woke up on my bed with a heavy taste of liquor still in my mouth. There's a trail of my clothes starting from my main door to the foot of my bed. And despite not remembering me walking up the stairs, i did manage to lock my door and take my contacts out. I flip though my drunken snap shots taken from the night and i can't help but notice an uncomfortable existence thats both disheartening and very real.

I wonder, has this new year unveiled an ugly truth? Has my passion for what i strongly believed in finally done me more harm than good?

Brought to you by the letter X

I had 2 deadlines due yesterday, one of which i was asked to help out a colleague since he's completely bogged down with work. But it didn't help that i had to keep calling him over to my desk since i knew he would be very particular about the details. And what made it even more frustrating was he created his layouts in a software that wasn't specifically designed for the type of work he was laying out. So what would have taken me a few clicks of a button to change the style sheets, i had to manually go through each and every section, both time consuming and irritating.

And to add to my annoyance level, i had no previous knowledge of this job and it meant that all the files and images were all new to me. So 3 hours past my deadline and an AE hovering behind me to get it done, it just added to my stress levels. But once the PDFs were sent over to the client, i went straight into doing changes for another job and to do yet another mock up... it was 6pm by the time that was done.

So with nothing but a Marks & Spencers' Cranberry and Orange cereal bar i got on discount and several cups of coffee to keep me motivated, my energy levels were practically non existent.

Then my boss returns from his meetings and i tried to speak to him about my annual leave so he could sign along the dotted line. But being the busy bee that he is, it's nearly impossible to catch him when he's free. So when i thought he had disappeared to go to the loo, minutes later i find out he had actually gone home for the day. FuuUUUuuuuck!

It didn't help that the same colleague who i was helping complete his layouts, has been busting to go on a 2 week break during CNY and has only JUST got his leave approved with the condition that he completes another job before he leaves.

So whilst sucking down a cigarette and giving my boss a missed call and a SMS, there still was no answer! Which means i have to wait 2 extra days for an answer.

Arriving home about 9.30, i was still on edge. Knowing that there might be a slight chance that he won't approve my leave started to freak me out. I felt like i was having a mini heart attack, i thought i was seriously going to lose it.

My ability to handle stressful situations is horrible and like one of those Captain Planet characters, a sudden force of Anger builds up out of nowhere. Suddenly memories of a year ago flashed before my eyes and the thought of doing something utterly stupid crossed my mind again and that freaked me out. It didn't help that the night before i barely got a wink of sleep and my head was overloaded with all sorts of worry and rubbish.

And having given up Xanax for quite some time, i remembered i had kept a stash from my previous visits to my shrink and its moments just like these that they would come in handy. A little bit of peace of mind that can finally allow me to 'just breathe'.

Workin' backwards.

Apparently everywhere was flooded with people because today happens to be a public holiday. I'm assuming shopoholics are taking advantage of the newly opened Bangsar Village 2 and spending their hard earned cash.

But being the lazy arse that i am, i haven't gotten around to sorting out that security measure on my credit card. So i wasn't able to pay online for my bus ticket down to the little island off the peninsular. Thankfully i called to make a booking because the dates that i wanted to depart and return were going fast even though when i checked online, there were still seats available. So instead of getting my usual single seater near the back of the bus, i was only able to get an aisle seat way up front. I guess it's better than nothing.

I was only able to hold my booking for 2 days, so i had to make my way to the ticketing counter by today. I'm guessing my lack of sleep the night before meant that last night's rejuvenation stretched all the way till 5 in the afternoon. And remembering that the ticket booth actually shuts at 7pm, i was pressed for time.

After traveling on the train so i would beat the traffic, i rang to confirm whether my booking was still there. Doing a mini walk-a-thon just so i'd make it on time, i made it there shy of 5 minutes. Relieved that i wouldn't have to spend the upcoming holiday watching happy families spend time together, i trotted along to the supermarket before i headed home.

But going back to my Getaway holiday, having just paid for a non-refundable return ticket it's only dawned on me that i haven't sorted the other details yet. Important details such as approval for my leave, accommodation and enough disposable money... yes i do it the Pisces way of doin' it backwards. This will definitely be rated as one of my top Spur of the Moments kinda deals. Nevertheless, it's a much deserved break and a change of environment.

Originally i was planning on staying with my best mate but recently i found out he's currently jobless, i can't help but feel like a burden even though he doesn't mind me crashing at his place.

So slightly stressed after getting back home, i was happy to receive a surprise email from a mate of mine. Guess what? She was sweet enough to offer her red couch for me to stay. What great timing! And being a newly wed to my other mate aka LOSER, it'll make my trip down even better. So i'm totally excited now since it's been awhile since i've seen them and they've just moved to the CBD which makes life slightly easier.

I better head to bed soon cause tomorrow i've got another deadline due and i need to be in the office [sort of] early.

*Fingers still crossed and projecting positive vibes so that my boss gives me the green light to go*