No ultimatum but...

With a time difference of 3 hours, my brain hasn't quite adjusted. My normal day sees me running around trying to spend time with as many people and drinking as much of my favorite beer.

By the time i pass out it's usually inching towards 6 in the morning and by the time i even peel myself off the couch, it's past lunch. And although i'm still recovering from the long weekend, i have no choice but soldier on. With 3 days left and still a few more people to catch up with, i haven't had much time to venture out and shop.

But yesterday Brendan and Jill invited me over to their house for dinner and it was great to catch up with them without having a speaker blaring above my head. And as i sat outside on their covered patio having a cigarette, i was entertained by a 6 year old and his magnets which he rightfully called "his brothers from another mother".

Then i headed back into the city to meet up with a friend for drinks. Casual beers at Section 8 and for the first time we sat and talked. Something we previously never did since our 'friendship' was based on something more physical. And having collected his thoughts and for once was upfront had said...

"There are Friends and there's Friends with benefits... and you can't have both".

And although there was no ultimatum, i had no choice but accept that our canoodling days were over. And for the first time, somebody actually BOTHERED to get to know me.

I can't help but think it was a cop out and "let's be friends" was just another way of saying, wham bam thank you maam. Crazy thought there: MAYBE he DOES genuinely want to be friends... well now, we'll see about that. I don't trust boys. Why should they trust me?

Guilt wrapped his evil claws onto the situation i continued to repeat to myself that FRIENDS are FRIENDS and once one crosses 'that' line... EVERYTHING CHANGES.

And even after looking through my past, it makes sense, it's true. And as fucked up emotions can be, i have managed to keep them at bay, to save me from heartache and confusion. If boys can do it, why can't girls?

Which is WHY i choose NOT to know anything about THEM for the fear of losing control. And as i lay on my side this morning afraid of making contact and rejection, i couldn't help but think "Oh you don't mean no nothin' at all to me..." - Nelly Furtado.

Maybe he's right, i'm 27. Maybe it's time...
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happy birthday to me.