Are they right?
Have i surrounded myself with walls so high up that i've locked myself in? So high in fact that i've actually built myself a stone castle.
This is not how i imagined it to be like.
I never thought i would be the one scared to get into anything serious. One would think boys would have problems with commitment. The one to run away at any sign of anything serious.
I remember at one point i thought the big M was just the next stage after being in a relationship for X amount of years and having a stable job. The fairy tale image of a picket white fence, a pair of well groomed dogs waiting patiently for their master to return from a hard days work whilst the little wife sits pretty with her manicured nails and pearly whites. That image is so cliché, in fact the modern woman today would most likely be the one working late.
Life doesn't all work out so pretty and it is true not everybody has it all.
Yes you can have the job and the independence that you work so hard for but what if one day you realise you've worked so hard not to get hurt that you've numbed your emotions. That one ability to feel love and to be loved. I really think that's sad.
But i never thought i'd end up like this.
.
.
.
I never thought i ever had to get over him.
I thought i had it easy and i probably do in comparison to most. We all have issues, sometimes i just have trouble dealing with them.
So i ask myself, is it unfair to dismiss potentials from trying to bring a little life back in my heart? Probably. I was quite the opposite once upon a time. And i realise i don't wish to be alone but over time i've just learned to be self sufficient, anything else is foreign to me.
And with regards to being played and trying to be a playerette, well it's not exactly a long term goal. You think it feels good to be treated like just a number? It's not. But this is definitely not the dream that i had wished for. We all have urges and deep down we all want to feel happiness whether it's with a loved one or with something one believes in.
So why do i gravitate towards those who want very little of me? A cowardly answer would be i don't know.
...
But it doesn't have to all end sad because today, May 15th [shy of 10 days] was exactly 2 years ago when i was diagnosed and have been on this full dose of my AD. Today is attempt #2 to get my meds HALVED! Previously i had a relapse so had to go back up.
So let's wait and see how the next 4 weeks treats me. If all is good then there's hope to be meds-free after all.
Wish me luck! *crosses fingers*
Have i surrounded myself with walls so high up that i've locked myself in? So high in fact that i've actually built myself a stone castle.
This is not how i imagined it to be like.
I never thought i would be the one scared to get into anything serious. One would think boys would have problems with commitment. The one to run away at any sign of anything serious.
I remember at one point i thought the big M was just the next stage after being in a relationship for X amount of years and having a stable job. The fairy tale image of a picket white fence, a pair of well groomed dogs waiting patiently for their master to return from a hard days work whilst the little wife sits pretty with her manicured nails and pearly whites. That image is so cliché, in fact the modern woman today would most likely be the one working late.
Life doesn't all work out so pretty and it is true not everybody has it all.
Yes you can have the job and the independence that you work so hard for but what if one day you realise you've worked so hard not to get hurt that you've numbed your emotions. That one ability to feel love and to be loved. I really think that's sad.
But i never thought i'd end up like this.
.
.
.
I never thought i ever had to get over him.
I thought i had it easy and i probably do in comparison to most. We all have issues, sometimes i just have trouble dealing with them.
So i ask myself, is it unfair to dismiss potentials from trying to bring a little life back in my heart? Probably. I was quite the opposite once upon a time. And i realise i don't wish to be alone but over time i've just learned to be self sufficient, anything else is foreign to me.
And with regards to being played and trying to be a playerette, well it's not exactly a long term goal. You think it feels good to be treated like just a number? It's not. But this is definitely not the dream that i had wished for. We all have urges and deep down we all want to feel happiness whether it's with a loved one or with something one believes in.
So why do i gravitate towards those who want very little of me? A cowardly answer would be i don't know.
...
But it doesn't have to all end sad because today, May 15th [shy of 10 days] was exactly 2 years ago when i was diagnosed and have been on this full dose of my AD. Today is attempt #2 to get my meds HALVED! Previously i had a relapse so had to go back up.
So let's wait and see how the next 4 weeks treats me. If all is good then there's hope to be meds-free after all.
Wish me luck! *crosses fingers*
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