Today has to be one of the first Sundays that i've woken up in the mid afternoon completely sober and not nursing my dehydrated self.
I decided to stay in last night and yes i said no to alcohol. Ended up watching re-runs of random series and movies i've already seen on HBO. It was nearing 4am by the time i crawled into bed and was in a i-can't-be-fucked mood all day.
My lazy sunday has been spent being a domesticated bitch; laundry, cleaning dishes, changing bed sheets, vacuuming and tidying. In desperate need of trying to figure out my own priorities in life. I've decided that the only way i can change things, is by making a few adjustments in my life... i hated change and i disliked the word HATE.
Then it dawned on me, slowly one by one, my single friends are hooking up with the opposite sex. I'm happy for them that they have found a happiness. Which only means one thing, change is about to happen... i'm just hoping, that change will rub off on to me.
My social life, has done a 180 degree turn. I have a small collection of very close friends that i trust and love. And individuals that i see on a regular basis at the club or events. They keep me entertained and i share different levels of laughter intensities each time.
Hardsequence and Bass Agents events keeps me busy on the weekends [except for this weekend, as this was one of our weekends off]. The music and the DJs is where i find love and keeps me sane.
Work wise, it's such a different yet very pleasant environment. It's probably one of the best decisions that i've made with regards to my future and my mental stability. The pace is much slower and much to my liking. My colleagues are really sweet and it's good to have a few of my ex-colleagues there too. Encouraged to show my designery skills and an appreciation that i never experienced in my previous agency.
FUCK the office politics and the back stabbing... it killed me a year ago and drove me to the edge of my sanity. Three years of it and i had enough. A dedication like no other and i faught til the very end.
My new apartment, a refreshing change from my sombre and depressing studio 1 bedroom apartment. My previous apartment only kept past memories of previous passions, arguments and one nighters. Where my stress had eventually stained the walls and my tears and frustrations polluted the air. A time where i locked myself indoors as much as i could, hiding from the outside world. But once exiting my front door i managed to fixate a smile across my face for the world to see on the surface.
My adoration for alcohol numbed my thoughts and made me forget... temporarily. I was alone and i had thrown myself into the deep end. Constantly fighting my own daemons and scared of change. I still have moments when i get home and like a widow i sit amongst my belongings, asking why. I attempt to occupy myself so i don't have to remember my past, my secrets and nightmares.
But now being on half of my dosage [Effexor XR 75mg] for 27 days. The side effects have not been as horrific as the many stories i've read. Only difference is i have become a lot more lethargic lately. Exhausted even though i don't do much. My alcohol intake has been reduced. The voices have stopped yelling and occasionally i hear a few whispers. But i still get a few brain zaps now and again. Oh and i've slightly become more moodier.
I don't want any connection with my past... i'm sorry, i'm just not ready. Not right now. I'm slowly trying to piece my life together and don't need to be reminded. But that's just another fucking sad story that you all don't want to hear. So fuck it...
I still don't know what i want... but i do know that i'm hungry. And before i know it, i'll end up turning into a single, bitter, fat arse bitch that blogs about her non-existent love life... i guess i'm half way there already. Isn't my life exciting?
I decided to stay in last night and yes i said no to alcohol. Ended up watching re-runs of random series and movies i've already seen on HBO. It was nearing 4am by the time i crawled into bed and was in a i-can't-be-fucked mood all day.
My lazy sunday has been spent being a domesticated bitch; laundry, cleaning dishes, changing bed sheets, vacuuming and tidying. In desperate need of trying to figure out my own priorities in life. I've decided that the only way i can change things, is by making a few adjustments in my life... i hated change and i disliked the word HATE.
Then it dawned on me, slowly one by one, my single friends are hooking up with the opposite sex. I'm happy for them that they have found a happiness. Which only means one thing, change is about to happen... i'm just hoping, that change will rub off on to me.
My social life, has done a 180 degree turn. I have a small collection of very close friends that i trust and love. And individuals that i see on a regular basis at the club or events. They keep me entertained and i share different levels of laughter intensities each time.
Hardsequence and Bass Agents events keeps me busy on the weekends [except for this weekend, as this was one of our weekends off]. The music and the DJs is where i find love and keeps me sane.
Work wise, it's such a different yet very pleasant environment. It's probably one of the best decisions that i've made with regards to my future and my mental stability. The pace is much slower and much to my liking. My colleagues are really sweet and it's good to have a few of my ex-colleagues there too. Encouraged to show my designery skills and an appreciation that i never experienced in my previous agency.
FUCK the office politics and the back stabbing... it killed me a year ago and drove me to the edge of my sanity. Three years of it and i had enough. A dedication like no other and i faught til the very end.
My new apartment, a refreshing change from my sombre and depressing studio 1 bedroom apartment. My previous apartment only kept past memories of previous passions, arguments and one nighters. Where my stress had eventually stained the walls and my tears and frustrations polluted the air. A time where i locked myself indoors as much as i could, hiding from the outside world. But once exiting my front door i managed to fixate a smile across my face for the world to see on the surface.
My adoration for alcohol numbed my thoughts and made me forget... temporarily. I was alone and i had thrown myself into the deep end. Constantly fighting my own daemons and scared of change. I still have moments when i get home and like a widow i sit amongst my belongings, asking why. I attempt to occupy myself so i don't have to remember my past, my secrets and nightmares.
But now being on half of my dosage [Effexor XR 75mg] for 27 days. The side effects have not been as horrific as the many stories i've read. Only difference is i have become a lot more lethargic lately. Exhausted even though i don't do much. My alcohol intake has been reduced. The voices have stopped yelling and occasionally i hear a few whispers. But i still get a few brain zaps now and again. Oh and i've slightly become more moodier.
I don't want any connection with my past... i'm sorry, i'm just not ready. Not right now. I'm slowly trying to piece my life together and don't need to be reminded. But that's just another fucking sad story that you all don't want to hear. So fuck it...
I still don't know what i want... but i do know that i'm hungry. And before i know it, i'll end up turning into a single, bitter, fat arse bitch that blogs about her non-existent love life... i guess i'm half way there already. Isn't my life exciting?
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