So my crying has stopped but has now been replaced with a dull headache. Great... i give up the puffy eyes and over blushed nose with a feeling like some giant's hand is holding onto my brain and squishing it every so often.
Today, i was able to wake up on time and YES i didn't feel groggy!
In fact, i woke up feeling like i had rested... how strange. I'm sure i dreamt but can't remember shit right now. Not really bothered about anything except, i'm really fucking warm. My emotions have been dampened and suddenly feeling that 'everything is gonna be alright'.
I ended up back on Stilnox last night because suddenly the urge for me to sleep went out the window... browsing the same blogs and reading sites that spoke about the same thing filled my hours. Oh where does time go? I MUST regulate my sleeping patterns. I need to quieten my thoughts.
But you know, i'm kinda pissed off that i've fallen back in the trap of going back to my regular dose. There i thought, i was doing so well and i thought in a few months would be finally free from being on meds. Spending my hard earned money on a drug, so it can fix me... what the fuck?
Although my shrink says that she'll only put me on this dose for a month, but i do wonder whether going back on 75 mg will throw me back to where i started? The switch to the half dosage somehow didn't work too well even though I thought things were going well in my life. I think it is.
BUT WHAT PISSES ME OFF is how in 14 months i NOW rely on this lil stupid capsule to keep me going through my day!
I miss a dose or if i'm late, everything goes haywire. I get edgy, anxious, headaches, concentration fucks up hardcore and suddenly the brain shivers happen. Don't even start with my memory... my short term memory has turned bad to shit house. The list goes on and on...
People laugh... Yea, maybe it's funny but yes, it's one of many side effects this medication has. And seriously, irritates the shit out of me. Sometimes i can't remember what i did a few minutes ago. It's happened many, many times. I've learned to live with it.
Oh what a life i have made for myself.
And like an addict, i lost it... that little switch in my brain suddenly went off. WHY!? Suddenly, i started to feel like i was morphing BACK TO WHAT I WAS LIKE. I hate it... stop with the self worthlessness and extreme hatred. I blame my fucking subconscious!
I am still getting used to the fact that i am ONE of the statistics in the world that is given medication for a mental illness. Maybe i AM ashamed to have been diagnosed... i don't know. But why is it that i feel more alone than ever?
Sometimes i wish, i could be taken away from my reality, so i can live in a happy bubble of make believe, so i can float on smiles. Protected from evils and where my tears are only made out of laughter. Drown me with humour and suffocate me with love.
---
At times i wish all this would end.
Today, i was able to wake up on time and YES i didn't feel groggy!
In fact, i woke up feeling like i had rested... how strange. I'm sure i dreamt but can't remember shit right now. Not really bothered about anything except, i'm really fucking warm. My emotions have been dampened and suddenly feeling that 'everything is gonna be alright'.
I ended up back on Stilnox last night because suddenly the urge for me to sleep went out the window... browsing the same blogs and reading sites that spoke about the same thing filled my hours. Oh where does time go? I MUST regulate my sleeping patterns. I need to quieten my thoughts.
But you know, i'm kinda pissed off that i've fallen back in the trap of going back to my regular dose. There i thought, i was doing so well and i thought in a few months would be finally free from being on meds. Spending my hard earned money on a drug, so it can fix me... what the fuck?
Although my shrink says that she'll only put me on this dose for a month, but i do wonder whether going back on 75 mg will throw me back to where i started? The switch to the half dosage somehow didn't work too well even though I thought things were going well in my life. I think it is.
BUT WHAT PISSES ME OFF is how in 14 months i NOW rely on this lil stupid capsule to keep me going through my day!
I miss a dose or if i'm late, everything goes haywire. I get edgy, anxious, headaches, concentration fucks up hardcore and suddenly the brain shivers happen. Don't even start with my memory... my short term memory has turned bad to shit house. The list goes on and on...
People laugh... Yea, maybe it's funny but yes, it's one of many side effects this medication has. And seriously, irritates the shit out of me. Sometimes i can't remember what i did a few minutes ago. It's happened many, many times. I've learned to live with it.
Oh what a life i have made for myself.
And like an addict, i lost it... that little switch in my brain suddenly went off. WHY!? Suddenly, i started to feel like i was morphing BACK TO WHAT I WAS LIKE. I hate it... stop with the self worthlessness and extreme hatred. I blame my fucking subconscious!
I am still getting used to the fact that i am ONE of the statistics in the world that is given medication for a mental illness. Maybe i AM ashamed to have been diagnosed... i don't know. But why is it that i feel more alone than ever?
Sometimes i wish, i could be taken away from my reality, so i can live in a happy bubble of make believe, so i can float on smiles. Protected from evils and where my tears are only made out of laughter. Drown me with humour and suffocate me with love.
---
At times i wish all this would end.
2 comments:
Hey man...
have you tried it without the aircon yet??
hey buddy... i did try but i don't have a fan in my room and it got too hot.
But yea, i'm just going through a bit of a set back, i should be back to the normal self in due time...
I'll be alrite... it's just taking a bit longer than i thought.
I do appreciate your concern and advice =)
COME BACK SOON... i miss the skreetching chairs... eheheh.
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