It's only a few more inches...

The deposit has been given in and the appointment has been made.

So after a short discussion, i have decided to revert back to the original size of 15 inches across instead of the 10. And after being given a 5 hour rough indication of how long the process will take, the combination of excitement and adrenalin continue to dance in and around my thoughts.

With bills still piling up and rent due tomorrow, i know April will be a bit of a struggle financially. Of course the price of the tattoo has gone up but you know what? It's so worth it and deep down i realised that is my new found Happiness.

Not only is it part 2 of my healing process but it's another fantabulous birthday present for myself.

Well i better go tidy up and get to bed early so i can make myself a hearty brekkie before i head off. And hopefully my next post will include some photos, since pictures often do speak a thousand words.

The design is sorted... now i just have to wait.

I spent majority of yesterday arvo and half of today waiting for the technician to fix the server in the office and for Streamyx to get their shit together so we could all have access to the internet. And feeling as if i was missing a limb or vital organ, it was uncomfortable knowing i had no connection to the outside world. Never mind that i barely speak to anyone on MSN or comment on any blogs BUT it's just the FACT of not having that option available.

Now looking at my MSN list... i have close to 50 people constantly online, of which half of them i have NO idea who they are AND why i have them on there to begin with. Seriously, WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE and why have they added me to their list? Strange.

So yea anyway, i did manage to get some work done during the down time but since most of my jobs are pending and clients have YET to revert back, my day was consumed with other matters. A matter of importance was getting my tattoo design in order.

And with the excitement and the possibility of getting it done sooner than expected, my drive and concentration came out of nowhere. I've decided to incorporate the 3 ideas i had and make it into one big piece. And that should fit across my upper back from shoulder to shoulder and stop shortly above my bra strap or slightly higher. I'm allowing the tattooist to do some freehand work on it too that way he can adjust it accordingly so it fits comfortably across my shoulder blades.

OoooOer... i'm actually really excited!

There will be no skulls and bleeding hearts permanently embedded into my skin! That's just a bit too dark and morbid for me. I don't need to be reminded that Death is my last stop.

But the design looks organic and is somewhat feminine. And i've decided it'll be in black and it will include shading. I reckon it'll burn a RM1,500++ hole in my bank account but seeing that i'm riding on this MUST GET DONE OR ELSE wave, i risk putting my bills and all grown up matters on hold for a wee bit longer.

OH WELL... i'm sure i'll figure something out. No late nights and lavish lunches/dinners for the next month for this no-expectations girl.

But let me say you will NEVER find me flouncing around in a boob tube or walking around with a bikini top in the middle of the day [unless you happen to catch me by the pool or beach and i'm JUST about to get into the water]. Actually the chances of anyone REALLY having a glimpse of it out in the open will be quite slim... sorry. I'm not the type to show off that much skin.

One day you might catch me in one of my moods when i want to lift my top up... YEA RIGHT... i don't think so. I'm not an exhibitionist. Or maybe if i happen to kidnap you one intoxicated night and we end up rolling around doing the nasty... i'm joking *blushes*.

Yes, believe it or not, i am QUITE self conscious when it comes to certain matters, which is quite odd and like most, i have my silly reasons.

Alternatively, i could just take a photo of it, like everyone else [which would be the more decent thing to do] and post it up for the world to see. Then risk having my image copied and branded on some other being and me thinking "HEY THAT LOOKS FAMILIAR!"

But then again, nothing NOWADAYS is truly original.

Which is why i've taken inspiration from an organic design that i fancy and manipulated it in such a way that it's completely different. Plus i've secretly included my age and the one word that keeps me going... breathe.

Wish me luck, i'm getting it done tomorrow.

Miss Max: Epitome of Desire.

[Due to not knowing the ages of my readers, i have chosen to use the MOST dressed image i have of her].

For those of you who have silently stalked me from the days where i'd regurgitate my thoughts into my multiply blog will know my keen interest in one particular fetish model. And that fine specimen would have to be Masuimi Max. I'm sure i've mentioned her in recent months, i believe i was talking about 'alter egos' as one of my past topics and my interest towards corsets.

Although some feminists would argue it's plain right pornography but i'd like to think of it as erotic art. Of course it helps that her Korean-German features are simply put, damn right gorgeous but each to their own. Known for her fetishes and her ability to transform herself into practically any look she desires, there's something disturbingly alluring whenever i see images of her.

Some may think my mind is forever in the gutter, which i admit they're not too far off. But if i had the guts and the body to showcase, i wouldn't think twice about performing in my birthday suit in front of a room full of strangers. And again, let me stress this is my alter ego speaking, or is it?

Miss Max often includes fire eating in her performances. And the closest i've gotten to a flame would be when my disposable lighter malfunctioned when lighting a cigarette and i singed my eyelashes.

Some of you may be PRO-au natural and some have no qualms about breast enhancement. I stand together with the latter but then again the thought of going under the knife and enduring the aftermath pain... it makes me think twice. OH PLUS remembering that money does not grow on trees.

But over time she has influenced the World of Fetishes and made it acceptable that having body art is just one part of a person and it should not be looked down upon. Her don't-give-a-shit attitude and being an influential spokesmodel for Trashy Lingerie is no doubt a tease for men but evidently there has been an increase of women, no matter what their sexual preference is, to lust over her. With her whole back done and upper arms decorated, it puts a whole new twist to what i thought Beauty is.

I remember my first tattoo was done when i was 15 years old, days prior to enrolling in boarding school. With fifty dollars, a fake ID and an elder sister to accompany me, that sparked interest towards permanent body art/modification.

And after thinking about, i realised i have a tendency to gravitate towards individuals with having ink done. I'm not sure why but of late, my passion towards tattoos seem to get stronger. I'm guessing it's that one thing that allows me to focus purely on myself, as selfish as that sounds.

And my collection of random Masuimi Max images continues to grow and not because i like to see bound women flounce around with rubber or the lack of. Like i said, there's something about her that projects self confidence and a sex appeal that is too good to dismiss.

Her personal website is open to both guests and members and you can either perv on her [here] if you haven't already noticed that she's featured in the PROCRASTINATE FURTHER... links on the right.

Which reminds me, i better get crackin' on the design i plan to get at the end of next month...

Etch-A-What?

Not only have i managed to waste my arvo watching silly youtube vids that Poster Boy has sent me, which i must say TOTALLY made my day. Unfortunately, i cannot share these vids with you as that would be too cruel as i would feel slightly guilty for my non-stop laughter, not because they were funny but merely out of embarrassment.

But once that was over, i tried my best to get back into the swing of work but somehow got distracted once again. For some reason, i started thinking of the good ole' Etch-A-Sketch. I'm sure i had one when i was younger but seeing that i have no recollection of anything that remotely resembles anything creative, i'm sure my love for it was short lived.

I never really had much patience with things that was time consuming but now that i think about it, i wouldn't mind owning one.

Then i came across Etched in Time a site of this guy, George Vlosich III, who has managed to recreate images with the use of an Etch-A-Sketch that relies on one continuous line. Apparently spending 60-70 hours on each unique piece!

I on the other hand, spent 10 minutes with my creation and that was already stressing me out. But if you have the patience or the need to procrastinate just a LITTLE BIT MORE, there's an online Etch-A-Sketch screen for you to have a play with. And if you suddenly realise you've got some talent, i THINK they're selling the Etch-A-Sketch boards at Toys R Us. So instead of taking up knitting, i might consider adding one of these to my collection of "what was i thinking" items.

Apparently Toys R Us has it all.

OH i had the strangest dream this morning [not uncommon]. But this one was a detailed journey of me on the hunt looking for baby basics. Much like a start up kit when one decides to change their facial regime but not quite.

So there i was in a foreign country having just given birth and already galavanting around town in search for necessity's. Never mind that i had JUST given birth to a miracle because it was obvious that there was no partner in the picture. But stupidly was proving that being a single mother is fucking hard work.

And where else would one head to but Toys R Us for all the goodies. So there i was waltzing down the aisles staring up looking for the "BABY AREA" section. Passing through the HOMEWARE & BAKERY section meant that freshly baked slices of bread would hang freely. And as inviting as it is to touch, i grabbed a slice off the rack and munched on it as if it was the 'normal' thing to do.

One would think 9 months prior to the birth i would at least have a FEW items already assembled. But noOOoooo... there i was frantically looking for diapers, a baby car seat [for the car that i obviously don't own], baby food, anti-bacterial items and a container to hold my cigarette packs... uhhhh what the?

I SWEAR... SMOKING WHILST PREGGERS/WITH NEWBORNS/KIDDIES PRESENT IS A NO-NO!

When i eventually get to the baby food area i'm bombarded with beautifully packaged cereal boxes. Never mind that a newborn can't even digest solids let alone know the difference between one brand and another. And as if i were in a FREE Tasting Hall i open one of the boxes only to be faced with a huge empty container and an equivalent of a drinking straw filled amount of food!

Eventually the store transforms into somebody's house and i'm standing in the back garden which looks like an abandoned half built apartment block. I am having a conversation with my MissAnBloodyMumNoMore about what kind of diapers to get and she's convinced me that her preference towards Mamy Poko's out ranks all the commercially known brands.

Which is when the strange part comes in... in the far corner i notice SashaPau [her one year old] holding up another child of her size on her shoulders. And like a Cirque Du Soleil stunt, i see 5 little tots standing on the shoulders of another. My only thoughts were, it must be the Mamy Poko's!

For a split moment i see my kid with these miracle diapers on but i've got it one size too small. Not yet cutting the circulation off but would definitely do some damage in the long run, so i opt for a bigger size.

I'm still lugging around a basket full of random items and i bump into her husband who seems interested in the kinds of food i've chosen for my newborn. He inspects the jar and pours the contents out into a bowl and agrees that THIS was the best of the lot. "It has a little bit of sugar in it which will help keep the baby awake, not a lot but enough to keep him happy".

And for all mothers out there that are wondering. why on earth would you want to keep a screaming infant bouncing off the walls any longer? My answer to that would be, I have NO idea my subconscious is in a world of its' own. Seriously, i have no control of it.

So let me just end with, NO I AM NO WHERE NEAR PREGGERS! [In fact, i sometimes wonder whether i am fertile to begin with, hmmmm].

But with countless sites declaring that dreams about Pregnancy often 'symbolize spiritual or psychological growth. It also represents a transitional phase in your life that is in the process of growing and developing... [read more].

A rare morning makes all the difference.

Believe it or not, i actually woke up on time. Of course with the help of the devil's spawn inviting random plastic bags and half mutilated toys into the bed. Then finding it necessary to pounce on my chest because my earrings and labret caught his eye.

And as i walked down the driveway staying clear of the workers who are trimming down the trees, i listened to my iPod with the sun caressing the back of my singlet. And for the first time there was a cab that stopped outside the gate because he saw me walking down. What luck! And after thanking him and telling him my destination, a minute later he busts out with, "Good Morning". Totally unexpected as it's rare for any cab driver to say anything more than a grunt to me but definitely that little bit of courtesy was a great way start to my Monday or any day for that matter.

It's funny how just those little things in life can mean so much.

...

Seriously though, i can't believe it's already Monday! Why does it feel like Time has been given a line of speed? And although i'm no where near as busy as i used to be, say 6 months ago, i find myself one moment pulling clothes out of the cupboard deciding what to wear for work and then before i know it, i'm stripping them off leaving them lying in the middle of my room for my cat to pounce on.

Ever since being put on meds nearly 2 years ago, i've had to learn to accept that each time my day ends, i risk waking up to a whole new perspective on life. At one point it was like waking up to a nightmare and being in a constant battle with myself. It was a time when sleep was not my friend and as if each time i did manage to pass out, the clock would be reset the minute i'd wake up [which often would be 3 hours later].

Clearly, sleep is necessary to keep the body in tip top shape but more importantly, it's the deep sleep that we all crave. A moment when internal thoughts are quietened down and dreams are put on pause. It is those rare kinds of restful sleeps that i craved for and only lately am able to get.

I am still on the road to recovery and although i have days that knock me back a few steps, i know i'm no where near the gates of hell. Although there are some days i find myself loitering around with wire cutters, only to be catapolted back. I would like to think i have a better grasp on my mental takings now. I am more conscious about my surroundings and any personal decisions i make will affect my mental status at the end. The brain is a complex thing.

I wonder whether being admitted into an old people's home is much like the life i now prefer? Days on repeat, no quick movements, early to bed, scheduled eating times, time out to play with a 4 legged creature and consuming marked capsules. All that's missing is the bed pan and daily sponge baths by some fertile nurse.

For the love of ink.

For some odd reason i woke up early today without the aid of an alarm clock. Slightly confused as i thought for a millisecond it was Monday and i had to be up for work. But as i lay on my bed staring at the sun peeking from underneath my curtains, i decided i would make an effort to venture outside today. Not necessarily having any plans but just so i could bask in the heat and be overwhelmed by the crowds.

I had planned to get inked when i was in Melbourne but due to the timing i wasn't able to. And me being indecisive with my design, i wasn't able to get it sorted before my departure.

So today, i made a trip down to see Frankie who owns Zoo Body Art Tattoos & Piercings. The tatt on my arm was done by one of his previous employees. I soon found out one of the reasons for him being fired was his poor workmanship. And seeing that i've done many of my piercings with Frankie, i trust his judgement and my arm holds proof of the guy's work.

Unfortunately, the day i got my tatt done [over a year ago], Frankie wasn't there to supervise and was quite apologetic after i explained to him that i wasn't quite happy with the end results. He agreed that my tatt needed to be touched up and would get his new artist to help me out. Unfortunately the guy was currently away and won't be back till the end of April. So when he's back i'll bring my original design and hopefully he can salvage and fix all the fuck ups that the previous artist did. And best of all, he's doing it for free.

I also figured since i'm going to get it touched up, i might as well add to it as well. I'm tempted to continue with the current design which will one day leave me with a full sleeve.

But i've got 3 other ideas i'm toying around with a] The number; 27, to be placed beside the star on my left wrist b] The words; Just Breathe, designed in such a way that it looks almost circular and placed on the back of my neck [i have a rough idea already] or c] Some organic pattern that i've seen done and takes up the upper half of the back from shoulder to shoulder.

And i'm giving myself a month to come up with something fantabulous and that will be Part II of my birthday present.

If you're wondering, OH MY FUCKING GAWD why would a girl do such horrific things to their body? Well a simple answer would be, because i can.

And after having a bit of a deep & meaningful convo with my sister online last night, she asked me a simple question...

"What makes you happy?" A familiar question a friend once asked me some time ago and i honestly couldn't answer it.

My sister continued with, ...it doesn't have to be big, it could be something little. It's those little things combined that makes all the difference. And after thinking about it for awhile, getting inked is what makes me happy. I do it for my own gratification and a reason to remember both good and bad chapters in my life in case one day i do forget.

I admit my life is far from being as dramatic as most. But like many, i've had some life altering moments and i continue to be in search of finding myself. Not to sound like a hippy or even the type to start hugging trees but one day i hope someone out there will love me for who i am and what i stand for. And if i'm lucky, maybe even take the time to want to know me.

What's next?

My first Saturday back and i've returned to my old routine of sleeping in til mid arvo and wasting my hours in front of the t.v. It rained for the early part of the day and the thought of being outdoors didn't even cross my mind.

I've emptied my suitcase and all that needs to be done is to return it to its original spot. And as if i hadn't gone anywhere, my next mission is to think of what else to do with myself. Tidying up is one option but that continues to be shoved to the bottom of my list.

It's true when people get to a certain point in their life, what USED to be a priority takes second place. It's only natural, it's a cycle that continues on. Late nights consisting of drunken chatter and intoxicated friendships don't seem to interest me anymore. It's not something i decided over night, much like everything else, it was a phase that kept me occupied when stress lingered and something i looked forward to.

And it's funny to think of all the times i've been out, i'll be wrapped up in a drunken roller coaster of happiness. Wasted to the point of temporary blindness and then to come home trying to recollect thoughts that don't make sense. Sleeping in so i can waste another day and like a bad habit this would reoccur more times than needed. Don't get me wrong, i do still LOVE my adult beverages but to be honest, i cannot be arsed anymore.

Then there is that habit of dedicating my spare time in supporting others unselfishly [be it friends, relationships or causes] and giving it all that i could possibly give. Some would call it 'dedicated passion' whilst others would think it's silly to pour so much of ones' soul and heart into something when there is no balance. And in comparison to what i get in return, i feel the latter may be right, all it's done is drain me.

Maybe i'm starting to get tired and bored of what this place has to offer. I know there's more out there. Perhaps a someone who will appreciate my existence and understand my points of view. But is this the right time to make any hasty decisions? If i am able to fade into the background this easily, i wonder if it's possible to make a permanent getaway unnoticed.

Fucker magnet.

So i was having lunch with my colleagues and a friend of MissSeniorPisces and the topic steered towards past relationships. And how for one of them all her ex's have become bastards. It seems like there is an abundant supply of boys out there who have this ingrown ability to act like a true bastard once a relationship/fling/canoodling session is over.

Why is that?

That saying, 'nice guys always end up last' may be true in this matter. That is not to say every male individual that i've gone out with has ended up a bastard. My younger years of 'going out' with someone ranged from a day to a few months. In fact, my longest relationship of 8 years was one that i think very highly of. Maybe i was naive and eager to please that's why it lasted so long.

And as time moved on, things changed... our goals shifted and living in a fantasy world could only do so much. And as if i had to prove to myself that there was someone out there for me, i unconsciously enrolled myself in attracting the wrong kind.

I've come across a series of... let's call them boys for MOST of them are younger than i am. Each wanting nothing more than a 'good time' and with an overgrown sex drive that fed their selfishness. Whether i was a rebound or a just because, i admit i was in it for the same reason the only difference is, where was my pleasure? It's all about the body language. Once you're able to read the signs, it makes it so much easier to pick and choose.

And most of the time most of my encounters are the result of a series of alcoholic beverages and a reason for my judgments to be clouded. One's guard is let down and it seems much easier to make the first move. Obviously, one must have some sexual attraction to begin with. But more than often, it's the journey that's more thrilling than the end result.

99% of the time, it is the chase that makes it all more empowering. And more than often the second his load is released, so is the excitement.

An awkward situation that leaves both parties wondering when is the more appropriate time to make a quick getaway... straight after? After a short snooze? Or even better, make some lame arse excuse that "something important" came up. Anything more than a hug good-bye and peck on the cheek at the end of our intimate session would leave a tangle of questions hanging in the air.

And unless you don't live in the same country, the chances of bumping into one another is quite high. Greeting one another as though nothing has happened is the more appropriate thing to do. It's like an unwritten code of silence, you make no attempt to rekindle what went on behind closed doors in public and never does one expect anything more.

It's best to keep your mouth shut.

What i've learned is, whatever happens... happens. Have no regrets otherwise it'll eat you alive. You take it for what it is and don't expect anything out of it. You're both in it for the game and all emotional ties are forbidden.

Question is, how long does this game last before one gets bored? Or before something drastic happens and one is put in a dangerous situation. What if one day you wake up and realise all you are is a fucker magnet.

The Truth unveils itself.

It's hard to believe that just 2 weeks ago i was sitting on a plane and eager to land at my destination. And to think that i've managed to get through 5 days at work completing deadlines and reminiscing over my time abroad. It seems like Time is speeding up a notch and i'm still living in yesterday's thoughts.

I'm slowly trying to get back into the swing of things. I know the longer i dabble in self pity the worse i'll get. Oddly, i see things differently and just as i had predicted, my perspective on life has in fact changed.

Issues that once concerned me seem unimportant. Friendships that i held on to hoping that i'd be accepted seem so fake. Gratitude and honesty is lacking in so many places. Sometimes it's hard to tell what is genuine nowadays. We're all wrapped up in our own little white lies and guilt plays a major role. What is it with 'Guilt' that makes people 'act' all that and a bag of chips once they get laid. Immaturity? An inability to handle the aftermath.

...

I end up passing out with all the lights on and a half read article lying beside me before midnight. I haven't had to take anything to help me get to sleep for the last 2 weeks, so that's a good sign. In fact, the thought of crawling into bed sounds just about right.

The skinny latté from Coffee Bean just isn't cutting it and i crave an adrenalin rush. Which is probably why my colleagues bought me a t-shirt and wrist key holder for my birthday present. For when i do EVENTUALLY get my arse signed up at the gym. It's called the laziness syndrome.

And waiting to speak to my product manager just now, i decided to weigh myself on the scales in the office and i've lost a bit of weight. It's probably all the sweat i've shed in the past 2 weeks and all that walking around that i did whilst i was away. One would have thought with all that beer i consumed it would have balanced out.

I'm back to adjusting to the weather and feeling gutted that my time away was so short. So many things that i wish i had done and so many people i didn't get to meet up with.

I do wonder if i would feel this way if i were living there permanently? Probably not. I'm starting to think there's nothing left for me here and i'm slowly outgrowing my stay.

Isn't it about time?

Feeling a little down since i got back from my über short getaway. I spoke to my nugget online and decided we'd meet up for dinner after work. Previously my AE back in my old company and a close friend that i can rely on. And as i spilled out my fears and miniscule issues whilst eating chopped up fried fish fillet and basil leaves, it was a huge relief to get it out of my system. It was slowly eating away at me and breeding on my conscience.

We spent the next hour in search for an olive dress for a wedding she has to go to in May. I'm guessing it's that time in one's life that it's more common to attend weddings and engagements than it is birthday parties and sleep overs.

And upon returning home, i sat on my over crowded sofa with a half unpacked suitcase sitting quietly in the middle of my living room. Slightly disgusted with the accumulated mess, i figured it's due time that i do something about it.

So i'm making a conscious effort to spring clean... starting from this weekend. A chance to sort out my life and my possessions. Living like a pack rat can't be good for the soul and it's about time i put my past to rest. It's been doing my head in since i got back and wishing things turned out differently is something i have no control of. Even certain decisions that i'm not so proud of, has steered me down this path.

I took advantage of the moment and made the most of it. And however short it was, it was well worth it. I have no regrets and refuse to feel guilty for my actions. I will continue to live my life how i please and so what if i don't live the typical girl-next-door lifestyle. And i see nothing wrong with being anti-social.

But you know what, i'll never be like you and at the end of the day, my fantasies and dreams are what keeps me going.

HEARTFUL SPRING

I received an email from Miss YC and the following words were typed out. I figured i'd do my bit in helping out and here's a chance to spread the word. So please have a read...

What's the story?
I stumbled upon Yvonne Foong's website by chance. Being a drama queen who whines n complains gila babi when the world doesn't revolve around me puts me to shame after spending more time understanding her situation.

At the peak of her youth, Yvonne's diagnosed with a rare genetic disorder called Neurofibromatosis Type 2 (A rare inherited disorder resulted by genetic mutations which causes growth of tumors in the nervous system, commonly involving the cranial, spinal and auditory nerves (brain, spine and ears). With its broad clinical spectrum, NF2 patient may develop a wide range of distinct problems such as symptoms of nausea, balance problems, partial facial paralysis, changes of vision, numbness or weakness in the arms or legs, fluid buildup in the brain and most importantly the loss of hearing.)

Yvonne suffered sudden health deteriorations that robbed her bodily capabilities, became deaf, and soon had difficulty balancing. To date, Yvonne has undergone 1 spine and 3 brain surgeries.

Despite having went through four surgeries, many tumours are growing in Yvonne's brain, spine, and along peripheral nerves. To monitor her health, Yvonne requires periodic MRIs, expensive doctor consultations, eye examinations, X-Rays, and many more.

Just recently, a cluster of tumours were newly discovered inhibiting her right optic nerve. Doctors in Malaysia tested her eyes and concluded that they could not do anything about it. Yvonne is set to see an Neuro-Ophthalmologist at UCLA in May. She is determined to save her eyesight, and nothing can stop her from believing.

Yvonne's one of the most courageous young women I've ever met, she deserves every single piece of respect that I have to offer. Instead of letting the incurable disease get in the way of her dreams, she took the world with all the strength that she has.

What's YC's deal?
I've sponsored four handmade dresses by Drama Mama under the label of Blackjettas Design for Yvonne's fundraising which will soon be up for auction on Ebay. During the month-long charity auction, a new dress will be up for bidding each week.

The charity auction will span from March 22 to April 22, 2007. All biddings will be conducted on Ebay, making worldwide participation possible. Winning bidders will have the option of paying by Paypal which has credit card facilities. Dresses may be shipped worldwide.

100% of the making from the auction will go to Yvonne's medical fund.

How can you help?
Please be and angel. Pimp us. Help spread the word. Feel free to use these banners (done by Yvonne herself) on your website, blog, e-mail or online bulletin boards!

Taking a step back.

I spent the early part of my day an emotional wreck. Wishing i was elsewhere and thoughts continued to flood through my bloated head. I much prefer feeling nothing, it makes me get on with my daily chores.

Maybe it's my hormones playing tricks on me. Is it possible my thyroid is playing up again? I'm very certain the press ad that i'm working on is not responsible for bringing on the water works. How sentimental can a property account be?

I admit, i didn't prepare myself for what i'd come home to. I thought i'd come back with a new vision on life and an appreciation for what i have. Instead i'm presented with dim lights and feeling more lost than ever.

I managed to convince myself that 'independence' meant doing things on my own. I tricked myself in thinking that being physically alone was my way of dealing with things. Believing that i didn't need anyone in my life after my break up. Blaming myself for everything that went wrong and that my issues were just a burden to others.

I was [THIS] close to messaging my ex. Not because i wanted to rekindle any burnt out flames. I just really missed having someone to talk to. I missed his company, his ability to make me laugh... his presence. But it's been so long, i didn't want to risk it.

Seriously, who wants to listen to miniscule issues and problems that don't concern them?

My one week away from my normal surroundings forced me to have a taste of a life i've never had. Just having a physical body around and the distant chatter down the hallway meant more to me than forcing on a conversation.

It is no wonder there are cases of aged individuals that die of loneliness surrounded by cats and smelling of piss. And as dramatic as that is, i can't help but look at my own life. Truth is, i'm far from being considered 'old', i own one cat and i have to clear out his litter.

I have less than a handful of individuals that i am at ease with and enjoy spending time with. In comparison to the bucket load of individuals that i am able to have small talk with; how's the weather, what have you been up to lately followed with general questions. Who are these people?

I know absolutely jack shit about them and i doubt they know much about me. I ride on a wave length separate from others. I don't think i'm a bad person, i just find it difficult sometimes. My only comfort is knowing that my journal is my best friend and my only therapy all rolled in one.

What happened to the girl that came 3rd in that dance competition and turned into an eager promoter? The same girl that smiles for every photo taken and the one that hides behind her alcoholic beverage each time she's out.

She's fading into the background...

Putting things into perspective.

One of the main purposes of my holiday was to get away from this country. Take me out of my space and figure out what it is i want to do with myself. And although 1 week is no where near enough time to sort oneself out. I deliberately put myself in situations that were outside my comfort zone.

Feeling self conscious and feeling like an outsider, i came back to a world that i once lived and breathed. Where are all the happy people? Those people moved on and i'm guessing i've done the same. But i did manage to build on friendships that i never thought would mean so much to me.

I cry because i miss them. People take for granted many things in life and 'Friendship' is definitely one of them. It's almost like i forgot what it felt like to be appreciated.

I start from scratch and get my emotions in check. I wonder, was it worth it?

Last night as i sat at home amongst my familiar clutter, i could smell the air was thick with pollution. I had no one to share my adventures with, nobody i wanted to see. I hid myself away from the outside world and this trip reminded me how alone i really am.

I take home memories and photographic smiles. I view those images to remind myself that i was happy. A captured moment that stays fresh in my thoughts each time i view it.

And i know now why i choose not to get close to anyone. I fear that i'll lose them.

It's happened before and it's happening again. Is that why i am attracted to those who continue to use me? Those individuals who take advantage of my sincerity and honesty because i know deep inside they don't give a shit about me.

Take me away and let me not feel like this. Take me back to the start when i didn't give a shit.

Did it really happen?

It's been 20 plus hours since the plane has touched down. I've managed to get to work before everyone else, i actually did a little bit of work and i got briefed on a new job. I fed myself coffee and red bull to keep the energy levels up. And so far it's working since it's already past 2am and i've just spent the past few hours editing/censoring images from my Getaway holiday and posting it on my multiply album.

And with my kitty back from being cooped up in a cage for the duration that i was gone, i've noticed he's developed a slight belly. And because my brain is not quite functioning i've decided to put off doing my laundry for JUST one more day.

I can't decide whether i'm glad to be back or that my time away has made me realise that neither HERE nor THERE is a place where i want to be. The whole evening i've been slightly emotional and with conflicting thoughts, it doesn't quite help in the Happy department. And yes, i feel cheated and the worst part is i am to blame.

I'm trying to ride on the positive wave but coming home to silence seems to have dampened my spirits. [I've probably drowned it with the amount of beer i drank and the fresh air has awaken feelings that were never there to begin with]. I've got a dozen thoughts running through my head and they're all clashing into one another. It's making me sad, irritated and confused.

I'm hoping it's just the Monday blues or Holiday withdrawals. Well whatever it is, i better snap out of it soon because i can only blame myself if i don't get my rent and bill payments in on time.

I can't afford to rest... i must go on...

It all ends somewhere.

The weekend has been a bit of a blur and have been jam packed with all sorts. I ended up going to Bubble one last time since Shane, Gob and their friends were going. By the time they picked me up it was around 3.30am. Then ended up bumping into some people i met the during the week and danced in my little corner minding my own business. I ended up staying till they closed which was around 11.30am and i made the painful walk back home in broad day light.

Covered in dried sweat and smelling like the air in the club, i definitely wasn't the prettiest of sights. And seeing that i hadn't done ANY shopping i hopped into the shower and i was out the door within the hour.

AND LET ME TELL YA, my feet felt like bricks pounding on the pavement with every step i took. I found myself bopping to my iPod in Myer and having a great time browsing through clothes.

Plus i managed to see my best mate before i left. And unlike SOME PEOPLE i know, who didn't manage to say bye to me in person, he listened to me whine and get slightly emo before he met up with his boi for dinner. We giggled at silly things and roasted at the tram stop along Bourke Street.

It was short but memorable.

As time ticked on, Death circled around my eyes a few times and i made every effort to make sense of what was going on. I knew i was hungry and was craving for a sushi roll of some sort. And when it was time to say good-bye, it didn't quite hit me, as i darted my way through one topic to another. I felt like i was just going to see him the week after but in reality it may be in another 2 years.

So as i sat amongst a sea of empty chairs staring at the random bird pecking at left over rice, it hit. Trying not too be so dramatic staring out into space inhaling my duty free cigarette, i texted a friend since we were meant to meet up.

... we didn't.

But the sun was making her way down and i made one last walk back to H+K's house. And half way through packing i must have taken a snooze because i woke up an hour later with clothes all over the floor in an arranged mess.

And yes, i made it to the airport in time. OH and as as part of procedures after immigration, one must have their hand luggage scanned. So i'm thinking to myself... "RIGHT, i have no sharp objects and i'm not carrying anything illegal..." which is when the machine stops. The guy behind the monitor looks up at me and i'm looking panda eyed and forcing energy through my pores like there's no tomorrow.

Cute officer: "So who's the troublemaker here?"
Tourist: "Oh that would be me. Why am i in trouble?"
[He asks me to take out my laptop and run it through the machine. So i'm thinking, oh ok, nothing too serious. THEN the guy says out loud...]
Cute officer: "when you're done with that i want to ask you about your tattoo. Where did you get it done?"

And while we were both openly flirting with one another in front of other passengers and officers, i'm very sure i was blushing and being the "the shy" person that i am, i couldn't help but keep smiling and making direct eye contact and shyly looking away. And as much as i would have loved to keep chatting, there's just 'so much time' that one can hang out at the x-ray machine.

It's moments like those you wish your plane was delayed... ahahha. [Blonde Australian officer with a slight goatee and a labret... and VERY cute might i add. Damn... aahah. I wish i busted out my camera] Sigh.

Then as i grabbed my bags, i said thanks and our short public affair ended with an exchange of winks and coy smiles.

So this is what the morning feels like...

I actually managed to get my arse out of bed early today despite only passing out around 4 in the morning. By 8.30am my eyes sprung open and it wasn't too long after that my alarm went off.

I can't believe i'm going to a day club and i haven't been out all night.

Sipping my coffee and nibbling on some bread, i decided to get ready and it was just before midday that we rawked up to the door and Jill was there. A quick chat before i made it inside and was greeted by people i had met before.

Which was around the time that the beer came in. And for the next 3 hours, i was being fed bottles of beer from B+J and H. And at one point standing there with a bottle in both hands and a cigarette wedged between my fingers [looking slightly alcoholic since i wasn't given enough time to finish one drink and made an effort to suck it down as fast as i could. Plus it was lunch time and i was getting slightly happy].

Lx, Shane, Gobie, Hayden and Shikin were sweet enough to rawk up to PHD because they knew that i was going to be there. So i'm really happy they came since i wasn't sure when i'd see them next. And although the turn out was pretty small, i still managed to have a few chats and took a few pictures here and there [once i sort them out, i'll upload them on flickr/multiply].

It was 3pm by the time they closed up and B+J were sweet enough to give me a dark pink PHD polo neck t-shirt as my birthday present. And that was around the time that i started tearing up and the silly bitch made me cry.

Then H and i headed off to B+J's house since they were cooking a BBQ. So i spent the rest of the arvo and early part of the evening with them chit chatting about life and everything in between.

And because i'm such a girl that when it was time to say our farewells, the damn water works came. I made every effort to fight back the tears but failed miserably.

24 hours captured: continued.

After drinks at Section 8, i didn't want to go home and be lying on my couch at the stroke of midnight, so ended up back at my friend's place. And thinking about life in general [as you would]. Recapping and thinking about what i've done with myself in the last year. And at yes, at one point getting slightly emo with myself [i blame the beer].

And as i drank my Boags whilst sitting on my mate's couch, it was getting too late to walk home. My night was filled with the strangest dreams and i kept waking up and then returning to where i had woken up at. Very surreal.

Eventually i made my way back into the city and spent the rest of the arvo with my best mate. And as we chilled at his house drinking beer and wine, our moments were interrupted by repeats of Sia and Nelly Furtado. It was great to catch up with my hoochie banana lips, it was like old times. Nothing had changed...

[He is Art]

H+K took me out for dinner down on Chapel Street where i stuffed myself with Gnocchi and a side order of calamari. I'm guessing the past few nights of late nights and partying suddenly hit me and i was exhausted! It's been ages since i've partied this much and sheepishly said i wanted to go home.

So while H+K went to Revolver because their friend had a gig... i jumped on the train and made my way home. Quite sober but eager to pass out hoping to wake up early so i could squeeze in some shopping.

Let me tell ya, that didn't quite happen. But i had a relatively casual birthday celebration and probably one that i'll remember for quite some time.

Post birthday:
I woke up after lunch and didn't actually end up leaving the premises til close to 5pm. Managed to shop around for a bit and decided to chill at my friend's place again. For some odd reason, his couch lures me each time and i find myself tucked in the corner watching episodes on Discovery, History and Comedy Channel.

And while H+K are out partying it up, i've just got home and it's 2.40am and i'm sippin on a Carlton Draught trying to round up past thoughts. And seeing that i have to go to PHD in the morning to say bye to Brendan and Jill, i THOUGHT i'd take it easy and have a quiet one tonight.

YES I KNOW i'm on holiday and should be completely trashed. But to be honest since i've been partying since the tender age of 13... i figured i'd slow it down [slightly] this year. It's about time i start thinking... what the fuck am i doing?

24 hours captured

No ultimatum but...

With a time difference of 3 hours, my brain hasn't quite adjusted. My normal day sees me running around trying to spend time with as many people and drinking as much of my favorite beer.

By the time i pass out it's usually inching towards 6 in the morning and by the time i even peel myself off the couch, it's past lunch. And although i'm still recovering from the long weekend, i have no choice but soldier on. With 3 days left and still a few more people to catch up with, i haven't had much time to venture out and shop.

But yesterday Brendan and Jill invited me over to their house for dinner and it was great to catch up with them without having a speaker blaring above my head. And as i sat outside on their covered patio having a cigarette, i was entertained by a 6 year old and his magnets which he rightfully called "his brothers from another mother".

Then i headed back into the city to meet up with a friend for drinks. Casual beers at Section 8 and for the first time we sat and talked. Something we previously never did since our 'friendship' was based on something more physical. And having collected his thoughts and for once was upfront had said...

"There are Friends and there's Friends with benefits... and you can't have both".

And although there was no ultimatum, i had no choice but accept that our canoodling days were over. And for the first time, somebody actually BOTHERED to get to know me.

I can't help but think it was a cop out and "let's be friends" was just another way of saying, wham bam thank you maam. Crazy thought there: MAYBE he DOES genuinely want to be friends... well now, we'll see about that. I don't trust boys. Why should they trust me?

Guilt wrapped his evil claws onto the situation i continued to repeat to myself that FRIENDS are FRIENDS and once one crosses 'that' line... EVERYTHING CHANGES.

And even after looking through my past, it makes sense, it's true. And as fucked up emotions can be, i have managed to keep them at bay, to save me from heartache and confusion. If boys can do it, why can't girls?

Which is WHY i choose NOT to know anything about THEM for the fear of losing control. And as i lay on my side this morning afraid of making contact and rejection, i couldn't help but think "Oh you don't mean no nothin' at all to me..." - Nelly Furtado.

Maybe he's right, i'm 27. Maybe it's time...
.
.
.
happy birthday to me.

Lost train of thought but it's all valid.

By the time i managed to pass out it was inching towards 5.30am. I'm not sure what i managed to occupy my time with but i spent a few hours cruising online and briefly chatting with some people.

So by the time i opened my eyes, i noticed it was past lunch and H+K were already at work. So i peeled myself off their "super red comfy couch" and figured i'd make an effort to go into the city and browse for a bit. It was 3.30pm by the time i was out the door and remembering that stores in this country close at 5.30pm, meant there wasn't much time left.

And yes, i am slightly crippled because my muscles on my right foot and shin area are still painful. It makes speed walking across pedestrian crossing a challenge. Hoping that if i massage my arch of my foot and front of my leg, it will help in the healing process.

So i ended up at JB Hi-Fi because the CDs are cheaper and was near to where i was at the time. Had a quick browse and got a copy of GENERATIONEXT: House 2 Hard VOL 2 which includes 3 CDs mixed by Jeremy J [electro/house], Dr. Willis + Scott Alert [electro/techno and Nik Fish [Hard house]. I haven't had a proper listen so i can't comment about them.

Then had a browse through Myer, they had renovated their basement. It now targets the young and brands such as Miss Shop, Revival, Dangerfield, Mossimo etc are all there. Figured i'd browse through other places before i start buying clothes.

And although i shouldn't really convert when checking out the prices but to pay AUS45 for a simple t-shirt which converts to roughly 3 times is not REALLY worth it. Unless it's so SUPER DOOPER AMAZING that i'm sure i won't find copied in Sungei Wang or badly stitched by some random tailor, i might consider purchasing it.

But i do intend to go shopping but knowing my ability to waste money on little bits of rubbish and trinkets, it's best that i leave the shopping for last minute. That way i have more money to spend since i still have a night or two of clubbing to go through and i don't want to be short on cash.

It's not every day i go out back home, in fact i rarely go out anymore for the reason being that there isn't anywhere decent to go. I'm NOT into hoochie mama-ing myself aka RnB clubs and the good old Mambo nights [a mix of 80's and 90's] are fun once in a blue moon because in all honesty, how many times can one hear those Rick Astley, Tiffany and Wham songs over and over?

I admit i know the lyrics, hell, i probably had them on cassette and had an indent on my thumb where i'd press the rewind button. But with venues that shut at 3am and clubs only packed by 1am... 2 hours worth of speed drinking and bruised toes doesn't excite me so much.

And although i am on holiday in Clubbing central when it comes to the genre i prefer. To be honest, i'd rather spend time either chilling at H+K's house or having quality time with individuals that make me comfortable and with people whom i enjoy talking to.

But isn't that what people do anyway?

Take time out to be with others whom they enjoy the presence of their company. But often people sacrifice their own happiness so they can make the most of a situation and often end up not giving a shit about you to begin with. The world is full of all kinds of people and i'm sure many people are guilty of taking advantage of others, be it emotionally, mentally or physically. It's almost human nature.

And as i've learned in the past, the mind is a very powerful tool. With the combination of a wicked tongue and time to spare, it allows one the strength to lash out. Spoken words that circulate and build itself into a deformed mess often require time for the storm to settle.

I say, remove oneself from the negative surroundings and force yourself to pick yourself up again. In the end, it is only you that can help yourself. And it's only through will power and inner drive that allows a person to grow stronger.

...

YES, i lost my train of thought just now and got a bit metaphoric on you all... ahahhah. But i figured i'd leave that in. Who knows, maybe someone will read it and it'll help them go on with their day. A reminder to myself that this trip has allowed me to see things in perspective and what it means to be "friends".

Labour Day Long weekend summarised.

This is probably the longest stretch that i haven't posted anything. So let's do a semi-short recap:

Saturday:
After deciding not to go out the night i arrived meant that i could wake up at a decent hour. Caught up with my best mate and it was like old times, one would never think 2 years had gone past without us not seeing one another.

Then met up with Miss Gobbie for a beer or two [actually, i drank the beer, she stayed on the non-alcoholic side of life]. Was later joined by Lxy and Krys and we all decided that we would all go out for dinner on Lygon Street. By the time i was half way through my mushroom risotto, i was stuffed and was struggling to finish my Carlton Draught.

Then as i was heading home, i decided to meet up with another mate of mine since i hadn't seen him for awhile. I soon found out his mates and him were heading to Bubble. A club known for being unofficially racially divided, somewhat dodgy and littered with feral individuals... each to their own, i guees. But nothing beats a club filled with patrons dancing hardcore til the early afternoon, especially if the tunes are spot on and you've got the energy to spare.

Sunday:
As the hours moved on we continued to dance our little hearts out on the talcum dusted flooring. Until we decided to take a time out when we realised we had utilized our stored energy. With 5 hours of dancing and continuous sweating, the endorphins were running high. By the afternoon my mate and i chilled out for a bit whilst we watched double episodes of random sitcoms and comedy skits. It was an unplanned night and i enjoyed every moment.

I later headed home and the sun was out in full glory. I managed to get a 4 hour snooze before my other friends and i headed off to Pharmacy: Our Law at Metro. Still exhausted but determined to make the most of it, we arrived by 11.30pm.

Monday:
And for the 1st hour or so, spent time meeting up with a few clept.net members, DJs and caught up with a few friends i hadn't seen in awhile. Once we made our rounds to check out the place, my mate brought me back stage and as i tried to get a decent shot from the stage, my settings were wrong and somehow the images didn't come out right. [So i will shamelessly steal them from Hayden once he uploads them... THANKS TO PUFFBOY, who's always out to rescue... ahahha!]

Eventually, i settled to stand on the level behind the dance floor so i could get a clear view of the console. I couldn't wait to hear Kutski and Organ Donors spin.

As more people pooled in, so did the heat!

The ventilation wasn't exactly great and being surrounded by energy fueled strangers made me feel slightly queezy. The lack of oxygen in the air didn't help so i made my way outside and sat my arse on the cold, dirty pavement whilst i sucked down a bottle of Gatorade.

Eventually i made it back inside and made it to the main dance area in front of the console. Which was around the time that i bumped into my best mate [who had previously mentioned was NOT going but somehow scored tickets].

As the beats started getting harder, the crowd grew and the energy kept escalating. By the time Misjah came on the tunes steered towards Gabber and with BPMs that could easily cause a headache after a period of time.

With the much awaited Hellraiser closing, one is bound to expect his tunes to be dark and heavy. With his heavy eyeliner, dyed ebony hair and pale complexion, one could easily mistake him to be related to Marilyn Manson. But i have to admit, his stage presence is top notch. With his over dramatic movements and hand gestures whilst he spins, one can't help but be entertained and thirsty for more.

By that time, the soreness settled in and trying to keep to the beat was impossible... i reckon it was going at 140 bpm. BUT having said i would visit Brendan and Jilly's club, PHD for the afterparty, i tried to conserve my energy. As we walked i whinged to my friends about my soreness and the fact that trams were built so people could use them. But due to our indecisiveness and the fact it was really cold in the morning, we walked from one end of the city to the other. Yes, we are dumbarses.

As the early morning breeze brought in a small wave of PHD followers and Pharmacy goers, it would make sense to go if ones' intentions were to continue on dancing as recovery. Although the term "recovery" is far from the truth for majority, i managed to find little bursts of energy to dance. But ended up sitting my arse down whilst i tapped my already swollen feet to the familiar beat.

But Miss Gobbie and Magik did rawk up, so it was great to see them. Even though i spent most of the time restless but too tired to dance. And with an unfortunate circumstance that came up, it got me in the worst of moods and i was slightly pissed off.

But by 3.30pm i made it back home and my mates were busy watching t.v. As i painfully removed my shoes, i am almost certain they were instantly inflated like a malfunctioned life vest.

After watching The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift, we noticed every single "japanese" woman in the movie was attractive to a degree, proportionally blessed, tall and sported a heavy rack. Which is probably why it can be listed under the CHEESY MOVIES to watch list.

And after failing to find a movie amongst his choices saved on his XBOX, it ended up that we watched the first 15 minutes of SEVERAL movies.

But now Little-Miss-Me is slightly sleep deprived and is showing initial stages of toenail falling off due to dancing for so long. PLUS to add to that beautiful image, she wears her SALONPAS patches proudly on bruised/swollen parts of her leg/feet/back/shoulder.

Which can only mean one thing... i need to start start getting fit.

Welcome to Tullamarine Airport: Lane 1

After 8 hours on a plane sitting next to [what i think] was a father and a VERY cute son, i finally arrived. Yes, i've seen some good looking Aussie boys already. Maybe i managed to sneak in about A MINUTE of sleep because i occupied myself by watching various movies and sitcoms. Maybe i didn't sleep because i was worried i would start drooling or slam my head on the father's shoulder when dozing off. But i did attempt to play pinball... and that lasted for all of 15 minutes.

And after waiting for what seemed like ages for my luggage, i was directed to go towards customs. And usually my bag gets scanned and i get to walk right through. But this time they directed me to "Lane 1" which was practically deserted. [Apparently only the dodgy people go to that lane so they can get their bags searched].

BUT I SWEAR i wasn't as dodgy as that one guy at the other table who was being questioned about a certain "friend" he had met at the airport.

And anyway, i was too tired to be really fussed seeing that i thought it was only routine. But as the officer continued to ask me questions, he continued on searching through my bags and opening every single pouch i had in there.

And that was when he found my little bag of medication consisting my AD, Stilnox and Carbimizole. On the immigration form i had only read "...illicit drugs" so i ticked the NO column. Thankfully, i always keep a letter from my shrink confirming that i am prescribed the list of meds and he soon dismissed it. And while this was going on another officer was busy swabbing my luggage with this plaster looking fabric to see if i had any illegal substances and of course it came out negative.

Digging around and probably waiting to find something illegal, he only found my little pepper spray that i keep in my bag for security measures. And seeing that it is illegal to carry it, they confiscated it and printed out a letter listing their reasons for taking it. I guess i had forgotten about it, seeing that i carry it around with me everywhere. I soon found myself apologising repeatedly.

So after half an hour, i bid the friendly customs officer farewell and jumped on the skybus into the city to meet up with my mate. I didn't get to enjoy my first breath of fresh air because i was still trying to digest what had just happened.

But NOW i am finally at my mate's house. I managed to spend some quality time chatting with him before he had to run off to the farm. And considering that i haven't slept yet and the time difference is 3 hours ahead... i think i'm doin' alright even though i'm actually quite knackered.

And i don't actually see myself hitting the clubs tonight. It's 1.30am now.

BUT I just spoke to my best friend on MSN and i'm going to be spending the day with him tomorrow. We're so excited to see each other, it's been 2 years! Seriously, i can't wait to see my hoochie banana lips. I missed him so much!

Melbourne here i come...

I've slept an hour and now i'm about to board!!!

I FOUND IT!

Don't you hate it when you THINK you look high and low for something and can't find it, SOMEHOW it mysteriously appears!

For the past week i've been looking for my mini notebook with scribbled numbers from way back in early 2002. Even contacts from way back at uni. I thought i had lost it somewhere between my move from my previous area code to the present one.

But little did i know, the sneaky bugger was hiding under a bunch of pens in the very shoe box i was rummaging through yesterday.

And like many of my things that have somehow vanished i am convinced there is a pixie out there stealing my shit... ehehhe... don't worry, i'm COMPLETELY SOBER. [Now i wonder if she can conjure enough power to have missing money appear... *concentrates*]

Hmmmm... i think the coffee is doin' its' magic because i'm going slightly loopy. And because i'm such a nice neighbor, i won't switch on the vacuum at this godly hour.

Oh look at the time... 3 more hours til my wake up call. Which could mean technically i could get ONE full cycle of sleep. Question is, do i want to risk not waking up...

Leaving things for last minute keeps the heart pumping.

Finished work late due to last minute changes to a job meant my shopping for presents would require fast decision making. Having only sorted out my moolah hours before, i reckon i was cutting it REAL CLOSE. But with stores closing and employees eager to go home, there i was frantically walking in and out of stores looking for gifts wishing i hadn't left it for last minute.

But i guess it's too late for that eh!

So it's past midnight and i'm getting a wake up call from various people in different states, starting from 6am. You see, i have a tendency to switch off my alarms and go back to sleep... never mind if i have to be somewhere... when i'm tired... I'M TIRED. But with an early flight and the fact that it hasn't REALLY hit me that i am flying off doesn't sound so reassuring.

Seriously, if i miss my flight... i WILL cry!

On another note, my eyes feel slightly better and i'm no longer on the puffy side of life. Although slightly exhausted after staring at a screen all day, my eye bags are screaming for attention! Perhaps i should start knocking back cups of caffeine just to push me along... to keep me alert. Then maybe i'll get my arse to the airport with plenty of time for duty-free shopping. Then i won't have to worry about being bored for the next 8 hours since i'll be able to pass out and not fiddle around with the on board entertainment.

Anyway, i better check to see i have EVERYTHING in order JUST INCASE i do pass out... [and i must say my bed from this distance is looking MIGHTY comfy].

Which reminds me, i haven't had dinner yet...

A mild case of procrastination and dis-functional vision.

Instead of cleaning up and packing, i've decided to fiddle around with the masthead. I admit it's not as creative as the previous one and maybe it's not as exciting but SERIOUSLY i don't have THAT much time on my hands. Or even creative juices to spare for that matter.

So voila! Until something else inspires me or i get bored, you all have to get used to it.

And as you can see i've kept the title but i've taken on the K.I.S.S [Keep It Simple Stupid] concept and have highlighted where they have actually landed. Deciding to emphasise the URL was mainly because i've noticed on my stats that in recent months there has been a number of google searches that request for "I SWEAR". I'm not sure what they were looking for exactly but i doubt it was All-4-One.

But apart from wasting time this evening, i did manage to haul arse to the bank today.

Long story short... i missed the cut off time to bank in my claims cheque and that means i have to wait until TOMORROW to see IF it clears. Which sort of leaves things for last minute, seeing that i am jumping on a plane in... 2 days! teehee...

So running from one bank to another and turning one shade darker under the hot sun, i slip back into the office feeling slightly queezy. And minutes upon arriving, my left eye decides to give me issues. Frantically looking for a contact lens case so i could store my contacts, i ended up chucking them in the bin because there was nowhere to keep them.

"The lens solution felt like lemon juice was being squeezed onto my eyeball!"

And like a scene from a cheesy soap opera, i played an over dramatic character and sat behind my desk losing all hope with tears streaming down my face.

I soon rushed to the nearest policlinic when i realised i couldn't even keep my eye open longer than a few seconds. I was then told i've got a mild case of conjunctivitis otherwise known as "pink eye". So armed with antibiotics, some random pills and eye drops, i return to the office with blurry vision and my sunnies permanently attached to my face.

[Flippin' the birdy at the paparazzi!]

Depleting bank accounts and holiday fever

A short visit to the shrink this morning so i can get my prescription. Only to be informed that the hospital has run out of my meds BUT were decent enough to keep me ONE box which should last me 2 weeks. I'm still on the same dosage and i have to monitor my sleeping habits for the next month. AND hopefully this short break will do wonders and i MIGHT just be able to have my meds halved! *fingers always crossed*

I didn't end up seeing my Thyroid doctor at the end since he hasn't gotten back to me and that can only mean that my T3 and T4 levels are stable... so YAY for me! So another swipe to the plastic and i am once again RM404.82 poorer. And with a medical time slip in hand, i return to the office to do some work.

But i made sure that i trotted along to the nearby travel agent during lunch to get travel insurance otherwise i'll get my head chopped off for not being prepared incase of an emergency. Had a peek at my ever growing depleting bank account and i just realised that i have A LOT less than i had thought.

With just enough for spending money and a bit of shopping whilst i'm there, i didn't put into account my credit card bill... ehehe. But i'm HOPING i can pick up my claims cheque TOMORROW and persuade the nice sweet lady behind the Priority Banking desk that i need the money... like NOW.

Despite knowing that when i return i will be in debt until my next pay cheque, i figured i'll let myself stress about that when i return. But because i like to make my life difficult, i have left things for last minute and my list of errands continues to grow...

THINGS TO DO BY THURSDAY 08 MARCH:

1. Harass HR for my claims
2. Wipe out what is left in my other bank account
3. Withdraw current savings
   
4. Sort out my credit card
5. Change money
6. Buy pressies
7. Pay bills
8. Do laundry
9. Tidy apartment
10. Finish work
11. PACK!

And my list continues...

I've sent out the emails to inform those i have not seen or spoken to in months/years that i will be heading down their way as of this weekend. And only this afternoon when i was chatting with a friend on MSN that it finally hit me...

i am in fact leaving in 4 days!

But i must say, TODAY i've been relatively productive. I was a good girl and managed to complete some changes to some work. And as Monday approaches its' end, my thoughts are already wondering what this weekend will be like. Which reminds me i have to get my arse to the travel agent to get insurance.

With still buckets full of laundry to do and some serious spring cleaning needed before my departure, the excitement is definitely building up. With incoming emails from long lost friends and a list of pressies to buy, it is no wonder i can't concentrate properly.

I'm still waiting for my previous company to get back to me about WHEN i can pick up my claims cheque, that way i can pay my credit card bill before i leave and not have to worry about the digits scaling up whilst i'm there.

But apart from my MUST SEEs and MUST DOs, i've left most of my days free and easy to catch up with friends and sneak in some shopping. I am even contemplating on whether i should jump on a cheap flight to Sydney and stay one night to see my friend whom i haven't seen in 7 years!

BUT i'll see how i go after Pharmacy on Sunday and where exactly i end up going after and with whom... ehehe. All i know is i'm going to try and make the best of my last week of 26, it's the least that i can do. And YES, i deserve it damn it! *nods.*

Oh and i'm also planning to get inked again and i've been toying around with 2 ideas. But knowing my inability to make quick decisions i might just end up getting both done... hell, i only turn 27 once. We'll see.

XPARTY i do remember!

[To view these & more, you can perve on them at winkris.multiply.com/photos/album/19]

What started off as an extremely stressful week ended with me heading to Zouk on Friday to support my BA boys. Figured i'd girlify myself slightly and put aside my troubles for the night... i swear it was the pink headband. And as usual we started our night at Terrace bar, seeing that the boys were only playing at 1.30.

And although there weren't as many people like last time, this time i was able to enjoy the whole night and not slumped over the side spewing my guts out.

However, i did manage to drink myself silly with everyone else and took random shots of strangers and friends. My only proof that i was conscious and still able to carry a conversation. Then when it was all over a few of us headed over to Lanson's Place. 5 minutes upon arriving i remembered i had a date the next day and figured that i'd head home and get some rest. [Little did i know, the fucker wouldn't show up]. Oh well... his loss!

But all in all, i had a great time and of course i smiled my intoxicated smile...

Unexpected turnout ends off on a high note.

Long story short... the goat herder stood me up!

I woke up at 3.30pm slightly hung over from last night. I checked my phone and there's a SMS and it's MonorailTim asking if we're still meeting up. He sent the message at noon. So i send an apologetic message and confirming that i'll see him later. Then as i stagger towards the shower with blood shot eyes i get a SMS saying "Sorry... you reply so late".

By the time i'm out the door it's 4pm and i send a message to say i'm running a bit late. Arriving soon after, i take a quick glance at any male figures sitting by themselves but the tables are occupied with families and couples.

45 minutes later and after half a dozen unanswered calls and 2 messages, still NO ANSWER. So having drunk my cinnamon ice blended already and my lungs desperately needing a break, i wasn't going to spend my afternoon waiting. And unless his fingers happened to have fallen off or he knocked himself out, it would have been common courtesy for him to at least call me back.

But having seen my BUDDY pass by earlier, i called to see if he was still around. Sent a final SMS saying i left and off i went. And what better way to cure a hang over but to inject great conversation, a bottle of white wine, beer, calamari and a cheese platter to the mix.

I'm not pissed off that the guy didn't show up because had i not dragged my arse out of bed today, i probably wouldn't have bumped into my friend who happens to be leaving for good on Monday... so in a way it was good timing. Oh well.

So with a concoction of alcohol brewing in my stomach, i've decided to force pesto and linguini down my throat. Plus i figured a dose of Ali G's Bling Bling would be appropriate right about now...

RESPECT!

XPARTY with Bass Agents + Fono

Fallen angels, misfits, street urchins and outcasts unite – we’re addicted to the beats and the melody - a true slave to the dark rhythm. Bass Agents & Fono famed for their hypnotizing-beat-breaking night of trance, tech trance and hard trance will be the 1st to kick-off a series XParty’s at Zouk KL that are not to be missed.

ADMISSION (incl. 1 drink):
RM30 Ladies // After 12AM
RM35 Men // All Night Long

**Ladies Complimentary Admission Before 12AM**

Windin' and grindin'...

10 YEARS AGO...

Back in the day when i wore platforms and ridiculously skimpy looking outfits hoping i would pass for an 18 year old. I hoped i blended in with the other girls who were a cup or two sizes bigger. But when the DJ dropped that familiar tune, somehow we all moved and grinded as though we were in some hip hop booty like video.

Unafraid and slightly more daring back then, it was common to sing along to Keith Sweat - Twisted. With alcohol in one hand and the other arm wrapped behind the neck of a male friend, my alter ego seemed to have been unleashed.

Explicit moves came almost second nature, it was like a scene from Dirty Dancing all over again. You could see it everywhere, the kind of clubs that play the hottest RnB tunes that get the girls rubbing up against each other. It was common to see boys of all races lip-syncing and walking like they just got a hip replacement.

FAST FORWARD TO NOW...

Rarely will you see me hoochin' myself up and exchanging drunken smiles with the odd stranger whilst bopping to one of the Top 40 songs. In fact, nowadays with work taking over in the driver's seat, my priorities have shifted slightly. But I do occasionally look to my selection of Bombay Gin, Whiskey and Malibu for comfort.

But if anything i've found much comfort in vegging in front of the t.v and watching whatever i please. And the other day i was watching MTV and one of Akon's video's came on. Watching the video and looking at the title, i was certain there must be some censorship going on. But i did manage to find the song with the actual lyrics.

But in my head i have it on REPEAT and YES you "see me winding and grinding up on that pole..."

It just kept getting worse...

Today has to be one of the shittiest of shit days.

Not only was there no regular stream of taxis driving past in the morning but the one cab that i did eventually get must have JUST got his license because he drove soooOoo fuckin' slowly. Eventually i get to the office and i make it in time before i'm considered 'late'.

I arrive only to be greeted with MORE copy changes to a previous job. Changes i THOUGHT i had done yesterday. Perhaps i've developed some Selective Reading disorder because i had missed out on a few words and had even randomly placed a word on a different line.

Then just when i had thought i had my marketing leaflet sorted, my boss decides it doesn't work and i'm back to square one. Each time i tapped on the glass and showed my idea... SOMETHING just wasn't right. My table was littered with half a dozen mini mock-ups, eraser bits and scribbles.

WHAT THE FUCK? Irritated because i wasn't getting it and annoyed because i knew my boss wasn't happy. Worried that if i fuck up even more, i won't have a job to come back to.

Then my day got EVEN WORSE...

If that wasn't bad enough, i find out the files i had sent out for print for another job ends up being the wrong size and one of the images used wasn't high res enough. I had ASSUMED the F.A was correct seeing that it had already been done by a previous designer and i was only doing copy changes.

WHY ME? WHY NOW?

It took nearly 2 hours to redo the files and with the dispatch on his way, i was pressed for time. And just as i was burning the CD, i'm told there were mistakes! And after exchanging a few obscene words and yelling at my AE [but i later apologised to]...

THAT was it... i lost it!

I soon found myself running downstairs sucking the life out of my cigarette. I had to remove myself from the chaos before my urge to grab my mug and throw it against the window became a reality.

Crying out my frustrations and stress, i noticed staff from the nearby restaurant and random strangers staring. I didn't care that my eyes were puffed up, i didn't give a shit if my eyeliner was smeared. I continued to let my tears stain the dirty tiles. I had deadlines spewing out of my arse today and everything was fucking up!

Alas SOMETHING out there could sense my stress because eventually, my boss agreed to the new format and first thing tomorrow i have to JPEG the designs to him so he can send them to the client.

But it doesn't end there... tomorrow it's on to website ideas and more. Last night i hoped for a better tomorrow and instead i got the MOST messed up day!

So instead, i'm gonna take some meds to chill the fuck out and enter la la land skipping...