One too many paper cuts

Between being informed of a new work structure and getting back into the social scene, i have to admit i'm bloody knackered and my eyes feel puffed up. I'm convinced i may have missed my dose yesterday because my brain has been hurting since last night [a sure tell tale sign].

Anyway, a bunch of us stayed back after hours to help my colleague do 14 brochure mock ups in 4 hours. YES FOURTEEN! It didn't help that both the printers in the office decided to have temporary brain aneurysms.

It's strange how printers do that!

Just when there's a crucial deadline to meet they all decide to fuck up on us. It's a conspiracy i tell ya! It's Technology's way of saying that they are in control!

So as we were twiddling our thumbs hoping for the technician to fix the printer whilst the other installed the software for a temporary SuperDooper printer on AnBloodyMumNohMore's computer, we all oogled over the fact that it could print double page spreads and that the colours were oh so crisp *drools*

At one point it felt like i was back in an Advertising agency with having to stay back to make a jillion mock-ups whilst inhaling pizza/McD's. It was past midnight by the time we all got home.

I spent the next 2 hours sitting in front of the tv because my brain had yet to wind down. It must have been the coke that i drank earlier because as much as i was exhausted my brain refused to shut up. I then spent the next half an hour trying to avoid Satan's spawn rice grain teeth. He has these psychotic mid-morning attacks occasionally and i find myself hiding beneath the covers gasping for air.

But since his gems were taken from him, he has decided that spooning my feet is his ticket to comfort. I guess it's a helluvalot better than being pissed on.

Scarlet, where art thou?

Once upon a time i was a loyal Dolly and Cleo reader but when other expenses came into play, i figured all those Does My Boyfriend Love Me quizzes and A Dozen Ways of Applying [insert type of make-up] & Still Look HOT! articles really didn't interest me anymore. Don't get me wrong, i do occasionally get suckered into buying those kind of mags but i find that they're just a waste of time.

So anyway, sometime back i walked into the nearby convenience store to purchase a pack of cancer sticks. As i was waiting for a friend i decided to direct my attention to the rows of magazines with photoshopped flawless faces on the covers.

And because i'm not a loyal follower to any particular one and like most, unless the model at the front is appealing i won't bother and just flip through half heartedly. I turned to the basket beside the cashier and there were at least 2 dozen past editions of random magazines; Home & Living, Archies and PC mags.

That was until i saw it. The cover had Dita in a jewelled red corset and above it the word Scarlet; The UK's Hottest Women's Magazine.

So i'm thinking, hang on!

Here i am in relatively family orientated neighborhood and in a country that is somewhat conservative when it comes to even having a woman in spaghetti straps on billboards, is this magazine for real?

Had it somehow slipped through the customs? Had it fallen off some truck and landed in the store by accident? Or was i going to be disappointed that the images of cleavages and any sexual content was going to be crudely ripped out.

It was sealed in a plastic wrap.

It was only RM10, so i figured i'll check it out and purchased it.

As i stripped the plastic layering off and to my delight there were no ripped pages and neither were there any nipples covered with black markers. One article was accompanied by beautifully drawn images by Velvet Purse, better categorized as Erotic fine art.

Seriously, there is nothing filthy about it but then again it all depends on how you look at it. But in this day in age where sex can be viewed as something natural just as it's part of ones' daily skin regime, i say why not? Bring it on!

And who better way to explain its' content but Scarlet's editor;

"Scarlet is packed with hot semi-naked men, true confessions, forthright sex features, lingerie to lust over and erotic literature (aptly named Cliterature).

It's the first magazine catering to female sexuality in the same way that men's magazines have been looking after the boys for years." [scarletmagazine.co.uk]

Unfortunately i haven't seen another issue, otherwise they would have gained another loyal reader.

Embedded into my subconscious.

I dream the same dream over and over. The theme is usually similar.

It always evolves around HIM and HER.

I check into a hotel, that so happens to be their permanent getaway. The front desk manager has put me in the room next door with only a connecting door separating us.

Somehow i unlock the door and i'm faced with everything i've always dreaded to see. There are two single mattresses taken off the bed frame and positioned side by side. Their body heat can still be seen stained on the sheets.

I scan the room to see a pair of most things in the room. Two different alarm clocks, two types of paper back novels and an array of monochromatic coloured clothes hung loosely over the chair.

As if i'm seeing myself in 3rd person, i'm projected back in my room and there's a woman seated opposite from me. She seems to act like my shrink but more of a mother figure. She's telling me in great detail that they just found out that she's expecting a child.

[I don't know why she's telling me this].

I have this image of him running to the nearby pharmacist to purchase those pregnancy tests. As they wait for the marked window on the plastic stick to resemble a cross, he holds her hand as time slows down.

This is when the camera angle shifts and he's holding her in his embrace.
.
.
.
[My heart sinks]

It's positive.

But this is when my dream transforms itself into an Alice in Wonderland type scenario. A scene i've never seen before. I walk around in an abandoned house surrounded by luscious greenery. It leads me to a vast amount of water and i see a dolphin break through the surface and disappear, only then to be replaced by another. But i'm hesitant to reach out and touch it.

There's a sense of peace in the atmosphere.

...

"Dolphins are intelligent and friendly animals, and have often been known to rescue drowning people at sea. Therefore, they have long been symbols of compassion, helpfulness, empathy, and caring.

1. If you’re beset with troubles, dreaming of a dolphin could mean that help from someone who cares is on the way.

2. Playing with a dolphin implies that happier, more carefree times are on the way.

3. Encountering several dolphins hints that you are, or soon will be, surrounded by a circle of friends who will provide you with a valuable support system." [source]

Can it be true? There's hope after all.

When?

[Thanks Getty]

They say age is just a number
which is true to some extent.
So why do i have issues with it?
...
When will i stop running away?
The day that i forget.

Party hearty...

I've partied 2 days in a row and my body can feel it.

There was a time, not too long ago, when i could be out 4 times a week and polishing off whiskey like there was no tomorrow. I'm sure my liver thanked me after i took a break from it all. That was the time when i decided enough was enough and i spent my time indoors recuperating aka sobering up.

Friday was at Rush. Saturday was at Baze. Sunday is time for rest.

[I can still taste Black Label].

Friends/fans/stalkers/groupies/lovers came out to witness Ganjaguru + DJ Learn play back to back at Baze. And without fail i was trigger happy. With a total of 452 shots i had to painfully sieve through them all and pick the best of the best, it took me ages!

But now you can perve on them at winkris.multiply.com/photos/album/25.

The night was a pleasant mix of alcohol, laughs and acting silly. Thank you... i had a good night.

I realise i can't do all nighters anymore but i sure hell can drink! *pats her liver* Cheeeeeeeeeers.

See you at Zouk KL on June 1st when Bass Agents hit the decks.

I like 'em cute.

There's something about having a drunken chatter with the opposite sex that leaves a smile on my face. Especially if there's that little bit of sexual chemistry going on.

I admit i have thing for boyish looks and a great smile, i don't know why... i think it's cute. I admit that "cute" is not exactly a very manly or testosterone fueled description. I just don't have any other words to describe it. But that's not to say i think EVERY guy who looks young i will automatically fall for.

I have no excuses but to say that this is a bimbotic post and for that i'll cheers to cute looking boys!

Of course alcohol helps in the confidence department. And it does help that it makes everyone just slightly better looking under the dim lights. That's probably why so many people hook up in clubs.

But i've realised sometimes my drinking can get a bit out of control. Like a chain smoker who's already thinking of lighting up another cigarette, i find myself usually carrying a glass filled with either beer or whiskey. [Sometimes i wonder whether people think i'm some floozy alcoholic.]

I don't think i am.
.
.
.
I just have trouble having the ONE beverage when i'm out clubbing.

Oh well i'm off to get my tattoo on my arm touched up. Be back soon.

Portishead - Glory Box

One of my favorite songs then and NOW.
.
.
.
It's just plain sexxxy.

FRAGILE but not completely broken.

It's Friday and i haven't fallen in love yet.

That's not to say that i was going to bust out of my apartment and expect cupid's arrows come flying towards me left right and centre. If that were the case, i would have fallen in love with the Nepalese security guard, the newspaper man that sits by the front gate and the chinese taxi driver that was missing a tooth.

Yes i do miss 'the feeling' of being smothered with affection but there's just so much more to it than inviting another into your comfort zone. I think the older we get, i mean the older i get, i look at myself as damaged goods. Wait! That image of a cardboard box with a huge dent beside an over-sized FRAGILE sticker that holds a past that has made a huge impact to my development. I continue to lug my baggage around like a homeless person.

However, i do try to think of the positives and that perhaps i was fortunate to have been in love for such a huge portion of my life. But at the same time having placed him up on this pedestal meant that when he left, i ceased to function. And as time moved on so did the people around me and i was left up there dusting away with hope he'd return.

Friends i used to go to high school/college/university that either i've recently gotten into contact with or have known for awhile i'm finding out they're either married now, harvesting their eggs or looking after a mini junior that resembles one half of their genes.

I like to think i'm not ready for any huge commitments.

But then i think between holding a work permit, managing my bank account and having no choice but pay for bills and rent... i think i'm doing pretty alright, i only just turned 27. I just so happened to have gone through a really fucked up chapter and i've survived. My commitment is sorting myself out first. It's the least that i can do should i one day allow a certain someone else back into my life.

If anything since adopting Satan's spawn, he has brought some life back into my heart. Never mind the temporary scars he's given me but since his gems were taken away from him he's calmed down a few notches.

In fact the past few weeks i too have calmed down. I can now thank my meds.

I've come to accept a lot of things that's happened even though i might not like them. I've stopped searching for happiness because i realised they only come in short bursts. Those disguised moments that leave me floating on extreme joy don't happen so frequently but when they do come, i am so very grateful.

Visual DNA

Read my VisualDNA™

PS. My bedroom is NOT that messy!!! But i'll be honest and say my bedroom is no where near pristine.

Me, myself & emo

I have a friend who is currently trying very hard to get over her ex. And each day i see minor improvements as she attempts get over this one individual. But then there are days that she's down and i see how sad she is. It's hard to comfort someone especially when they have lost a significant other.

The guy is still alive. He just doesn't want anything to do with her. Or at least he wants her to get on with her life. I think deep down, she still cares for him. Maybe she even loves him and finds it hard to 'let go'. [A common scenario].

Which sort of reminds me of where i was at not too long ago. [OK i lied, i think it was 3 years ago... i think].

I lost my significant other... to an older woman. Which at the time felt and still does feel like a dagger to the heart. I think i've stabbed myself so many times, i think i've become numb. I think she's attractive and i can't help but notice that she has big tits but that's beside the point, i'm sure she's a very nice person.

But this country is so bloody small, we even have mutual friends. I've probably walked past her during my drunken days at Velvet without knowing [which is probably a good thing]. Believe it or not, the scene is so small, i've even got together with one of her male friends [i didn't know at the time].

If we ever crossed paths, there will be no cat fight or bitchy stares. Just a sense of envy and extreme sadness on my part. Perhaps even an awkward pause. Just knowing that she is partly responsible for wiping away a relationship that i helped build for so long. She flounced her way through and took it/him away from me. But then again, it takes 2 to tango.

One of many scary things about relationships. AND yes, it's the same bloody story that i keep repeating especially if you've read this from day 1. We were together for 8 years. YES EIGHT!

But you know what?

Until a certain someone else manages to break this heart wrenching spell i will continue to repeat it until the cows come home! Or even better, until some other comes by my way and tramples all over my heart and only then my story will change. And it doesn't help that my ego and confidence shrinks to the size of a shriveled peanut each time i think about it. It's moments like these why i like to drink, it's easier to forget.

But i am making an effort to slowly move on. I swear i am!

But as my dad once told me, "Never love a man more than he loves you. And never try and change a man." And how true is that.

My father ADORES my mother to bits. He still pulls her chair out when she's going to sit. He still lights her cigarette for her and when they walk side by side they always hold hands. They've been married for 37 years... i think. *i lost track of time*

It's actually quite sweet, it makes me slightly nauseous.

But i try not to get into an emo state for the sake that i've managed to stay stable on half my dosage. I'm trying to look at the more positive things in life even though at times i think it's not worth it.

CONCLUSION: I had a shit load of emotional baggage BUT miraculously i have reduced it to one overweight suitcase! But like i tell myself each day, stop looking into the future and take things day by day.

*whispers* Who knows, maybe i'll fall in love tomorrow and i'll fly away *shrugs*

We all go through phases.

In the early 90s i wore deep maroon matte lipstick from Poppy. And covered my feet with my much loved 8-hole Doc Martens and paired them with big white fluffy socks and oversized Tshirts and boxers. I was really into baby doll dresses too.

When that phase passed i decided that wherever i went i HAD to wear heels. I had a fetish for platforms at one point. Perhaps that was my attempt to look A LOT older than i was. I was in denial that i was 'petite.' [I don't like platforms anymore]

Then...

by the late 90s when i was in Melbourne i fell in love with knee high boots better known as FMBs [FuckMeBoots]. I later got into the rave scene and back into my childhood days of multi-coloured madness.

Then...

by the beginning of the 21st century i moved to Bangkok temporarily and realised it was too damn hot to wear all those clothes and shoes that i once loved. I turned to denim skirts and singlets and preferred to wear slippers.

Then...

i eventually grew out of those skirts and transformed my look once again. This time my wardrobe resembled that of a tomboy. I chopped off my metre plus long hair and sported the shortest look i could. I then handed in my skirts and tailored tops for tight baby Ts, boy 3/4s and oversized trousers.

Currently...

i'm weaning myself off that phase and even attempting to bring back covered shoes into my look! *dusts off her heels* A look i like to call my Girlified stage. Bring on the accessories, simple designed cuts and now i'm patiently waiting for my hair to grow. Perhaps NOW is the time that i stop dressing like i'm still in high school and then just MAYBE i might attract someone closer to my age range.

*shrugs* ...

So i'll start with my accessories. Yesterday i bought myself this really cute necklace...

I found this gorgeous little shop opposite my friends sister's shop, Goss:ps in Bangsar. It's called Mooie, it opened not too long ago and it's on the same row as Cats Whiskers on Jalan Telawi 2.

My colleague's friend own's the store and so i decided to drop by. Whether it's the unique designed tags [i'm a sucker for good design], the overall concept [spacious and attention to detail is evident] or the quirky pieces [the items], everything seems to gel. Overall most of the pieces are wearable [be it day or night], their colour palette is up my alley and best of all they're affordable.

3 words: I LOVE IT.

At times i self-medicate.

I don't think i'm a hypercondriac.

In fact unless i'm looking like death has danced all over my body and my energy levels are as good as gone, then i will consider going to the doctor who will then feed me pills with names i can't pronounce and prescribe antibiotics that i always try to avoid.

Most of the time ones's body builds a resistance towards certain meds in particular antibiotics, so the more you consume the higher the dosage you will need [makes sense]. And being the sickly child that i was when i was a little lass, my toddler years were spent in hospital due to having an asthmatic cough. Apparently so bad that i would often turn blue in my fits of coughing.

So antibiotics were often injected into my practically lifeless body and as my body tried to repair itself my lymph nodes were often on overdrive and enlarged as a result.

And over time the body has its way of fighting all those wonderful virus'. Then there are times when your immune system is down and some viral infected individual coughs or sneezes in your direction and somehow it gets lodged in an opening in your body.

Then BAM... you're sick. [Obviously, it's a little bit more technical than that, yes i am not a doctor. I only know when i'm not well].

So visits to the pharmacy is usually a case of self medication. I think i'm old enough to read the labels and be able to differentiate between a chesty and a dry cough.

*coughs*

Currently my desk is decorated with random bottles. Most of which have remained there since i started work here and it's only when i can sense a cold coming on then i turn to Echinacea pills to keep it at bay. I even have a nearly empty strip of Decolgen which so happens to be taken off the market because they found an ingredient that is the cause of brain bleeds!

But so far, i've managed to keep both my lungs and my cough is relatively under control. I take my AD's daily [i have a reminder on my desk just incase]. Oh and i never believed that by drinking chilled drinks when one has a cough will worsen it. I still smoke [very bad habit... bad bad bad] but i'm proud to say i'm smoking slightly less. However, i am forever forgetting to take my vitamins [which is why my bottle remains practically full].

But then AnBloodyMumNohMore found an article online: Go Easy on The Vitamins. Interesssssting. And on top of that i KNOW i don't drink enough liquids [too bad that coffee and alcohol doesn't count].

But other than that... i'm doing fine thanks!

Total confusions!

I've just returned home from work not too long ago and i am super tired. It's only Monday and i'm dreading the next few days.

My day has been confused with one too many emails from a client that could have easily written me one clear detailed and informative message. But nooOOooo, i was bombarded with at least 2 dozen emails and now i have a mailbox that i am afraid to open.

Everyone will know that impatience doesn't work in anyone's favor. So when i'm at the peak of oncoming tasks and i have to rely on others for things that aren't done, it not only makes me nervous but agitated.

It's during times of stress when there's no time to waste. Fueled with concentration and tension, it's moments like these that i have to remember to breathe, to take things step by step and hope i don't keel over and have a mini heart attack. And as my colleague likes to remind me, "... this too shall pass..." any time she sees me in a crisis and i'm starting to panic.

My desk has random scribbles on nearby scraps of paper to remind me of things i have to do. There are no fancy words or lengthy explanations, they're simple, straight to the point bullet points.

I guess that's how i usually deal with most people. Obviously this is after i size them up and determine their character. But if they want something done and vice versa, people should just come right out and say it. As they say, don't beat around the bush. Don't be afraid to ask and if you think you sound stupid, well you won't know until you ask. And most of the time it's just your inner voice psyching you up.

Seriously, those who know me will say i don't sugar coat and i say it how it is. Some people will find that intimidating whilst others will applaud me for my honesty. At the end of the day, i know i'm different from most but then again, for all i know you and i may think alike.

OK seriously, i think i've totally gone on a tangent... again.

I'm feeling slightly unmotivated, uncreative, frustrated and bored. Sometimes i wonder if i wasn't a graphic designer who/where/what would i be?

BA at Baze + getting free beer

[There's more pictures here]

It took ages to upload the pictures and now i'm tired. I can't be bothered to do a FULL write up for last night so instead you can view the images i took.

I spent most of the night camwhoring and trying to drink the night away. But the night wasn't AS super charged as the last time we were all at Baze.

And as Baby and i confirmed... "last time was heaps more fun." I guess there's a time and place for everything. There were no planets or stars colliding in the universe last night, it was a relatively calm night.

BUT i did manage to win 2 jugs of beer. I have no idea what made me sprint from one end of the club to the console. But free beer is always nice to receive. I answered 2 questions: Name the Bass Agents and Who won tonight's game. If i got the first question wrong, i definitely would get my arse kicked by the boys though... ehehe.

Yay i am a winner!... there's love!

Anyway, i'm not a huge football supporter, in fact not at all but i do have my preferences. I'm sure there are heaps of sad people out there because "your team" lost. All i can say is... it'll be ok, life does go on, no need to get all emo. But in light of yesterday's win i created a little something for a buddy of mine who's a huge supporter...

Life without balls and a whole load of laundry.

The past 24 hours or so, i've been taking care of my nut-less kitty.

When i brought Satan's Spawn back from the vet, he was super grumpy because the drugs were wearing off. He was walking around looking half drunk and stumbling into things, it was quite disturbing to watch. I've made sure that he's been kept comfortable and haven't made any sudden movements. He hasn't said that much, in fact the meowing has stopped. But then again if i was him and suddenly woke up missing my gems, i wouldn't be talking to me either.

But he's recovering well and the swelling has gone down slightly but i reckon his cowboy impersonation will be around until he fully recovers.

So anyway, i had good intentions of going out today. I even woke up early [not by choice mind you]. It was a case of one of those annoying internal body clock issues when you WANT to sleep late but your body screams, CANNOT. Then the next thing you know you're standing in the kitchen with hair temporarily pasted to the side of your face and making a cup of coffee.

And being the domesticated hermit i seem to be training for, i spent my Saturday loading and unloading my top loader not once but three times. And it doesn't end there, i still have more to do tomorrow. [I blame my bed sheets for taking up 2 loads!]

So whilst waiting, i ended up watching Because I said So. Which i have to say was a good movie. I'm not so much of a Mandy Moore fan but i had seen the preview some time ago and was intrigued. Although my parents don't intrude in my love life [or the lack of it], it made me think about my life, my single life.

*thinks*

But by mid afternoon it started to piss down hardcore, as it usually does. And instead of watching static black and white dots across the tv, i found myself taking a siesta break for about an hour or two.

Maybe it was the combination of rain, the lack of sleep or i was late for my meds again because my subconscious was soaked with pornographic images. I can't remember all of it in detail but it was enough to get any heart racing.

That's the most action i've seen lately but believe me, i have no complaints... it's better than nothing... ehehe.

Oh well.

The boys [Bass Agents] are playing at Baze Club at Renaissance Hotel tonight. And as always we're all going to show some love and support.

I believe it's free entry before 10pm for guys and girls get in for free until midnight. All other times are RM35 and it includes 1 drink.

Ik spreek geen Nederlands

My day couldn't get any more busier.

Woke up early so i could get a lift to work with AnBloodyMumNohMore because i had to bring Satan's Spawn to the vet so he could get his nuts chopped off. I had no intention of breeding him and yes i believe he can smell another lady kitty in the neighborhood.

His non-stop meowing and his need to mark his territory has gone a bit out of hand. Every time i'm at home i've had to keep a close eye on him incase he starts pretending to dig an imaginary hole in the ground. If only it didn't look so silly, i'd be pro-nappies for kitties.

Unfortunately, my tomcat is not a sucker for catnip so i can't bribe him even though he's already grown bored of his toys.

So last night i had to keep him in his carrier because i was in no position to be woken up in the middle of the night to the smell of piss wafting past my nose. And i was in no position to drag my sorry arse self to do an emergency clean up in the middle of the night.

But if it's not his repetitive meows that could wake up my neighbors it was me trying to hack up a lung. I think i'm not well.

The Dutch Embassy was shut yesterday, as my dad and i found out when we got out of the lift and an A4 sheet was pasted on the glass door to say they were closed. My dad was/is super sweet because he happened to be on this side of the country for a business meeting and had planned it in such a way to help me with the application forms because a) i don't speak Dutch b) i don't understand Dutch c) I'm useless when it comes to being Dutch. However, i am proud to carry a Dutch Middle name and surname *waves her little patriotic flag*

Then during lunch today i had to take a cab to Ampwalk Mall so i could sign a particular piece of paper to be scanned for my passport. Feeling like shit i knew i had to drag my weak self there before it closed. I noticed a parked taxi waiting up front and in a delicate yet husky voice told the driver my destination.

I couldn't have picked a worse time to go, it's Friday, lunch time and it was prayer time. But the super nice taxi driver waited and later brought me back to where he picked me up. Best part was, the cab was heaps spacious and it wasn't stinking of stale body odor or some cheap car air purifier.

I got back to the office to try and sieve through my already flooded email account. Deadlines are fast approaching to meet various publications and i have a headache just thinking about it.


I should really take my cough syrup but not before i eat my "i pity you" Strawberry + Chocolate meringue from Delicious that my colleague bought for me.

"... they like just sleepy..."

When i was first introduced to sites that promise friendship, a place to expand ones' network etc, i thought that was just a scheme for people to perve on others bio and check out a friend/stranger/potentials' pictures. I admit, i am guilty of clicking on their photo album but at the same time i've managed to get in touch with so many long lost friends who so happen to be linked to them.

[It's a case of six degrees of fuckin' separation. And in most cases, it's usually less].

Their album serves as a visual diary so i can keep track of how the person looks like as time ticks on and vice versa. But for many, it is that first impression that enables the viewer to decide within a few seconds whether or not the person is attractive/appealing and whether it's worth getting to know the person especially if they're in it to find a relationship.

So anyway, some time ago i received one of many MySpace messages from various randoms [you can read one here]. Which not only was X-rated but it made me question a person's twisted mind. I JUST had to post it up for everyone to read. So what if my mind is in the gutter most of the time, that doesn't mean i am open to those kinds of messages from strangers no matter what time of day.

One would think as a lecturer, ones' England would be more powderful!

But in all seriousness, it made me realise how many desperate/lonely souls there are out there. All hoping to get a reply from an equally lost person. In hope to possibly getting laid or sparking a relationship.

Seriously, if i barely know the person or they are in fact a stranger i rather them NOT refer to me as a) HONEY b) DARLING c) SWEETIE *cringes* Although i find myself a sucker when it comes to fit bodies with nice broad shoulders and if they're inked that's a bigger bonus *drools*. NEVER MIND that's not the point!

I'm sorry but i just don't entertain those kinds of message/requests.

If i know you AND there has been some history of some sort, then possibly. But in all honesty, that shit is so wrong. I never reply to these kinds of messages because that would only encourage their behavior. Instead i choose to ignore it.

BELIEVE ME... i'm sure i'm not the only one.

[Stolen from www.wernersplace.com]

However, if they want a reply, i suggest they join a dating service or chat room. Just leave me alone!

Dressin' feminine attracts all sorts.

"OK fine! I'll make an effort to dress more feminine to work" i mumbled.

"... It's not to attract anyone but purely for self satisfaction. It'll do you some good."

So basically, she could have just said, "... for fucks sake make an effort! You look like shit woman."

She continued with, "It could be as simple as going out to buy new lingerie and tossing out those granny undies" [picture the scene when Bridget Jones has those tummy hugging undies on].

Let me state that i do NOT own granny undies. I have 2 drawers full of various kinds of undergarments but i have a preference towards little boy shorts. But i have to admit it's always nice to know that one is wearing something a little saucy underneath something that looks relatively plain.

Anyway, i'm not sure at what point i decided that wearing boys' 3/4s and baby Ts would be my daily uniform. It surely isn't flattering and neither does it shout LOOK AT ME. But then again, i'm not out to please anyone but myself.

Comfort i know is one important factor plus usually being the only girl in the group meant that dressing down would only make sense. "Trying" to blend in would be the more appropriate word to use. I think as i got older, reality smacked some sense into me and that my growth spurt had officially ended a long time ago. Yes, denial would be the perfect word to use.

I woke up this morning to hear the pitter patter of raindrops falling on the rooftop. I took my time to get ready and although i was tempted to throw on my usual "uniform", i swore i would dress more feminine.

So i swept my hair back and secured the loose ends with clips. Slipped on a Little Match Girl Black top, a white skirt that fell just at the knees and opted for flat shoes. [I reserve heels for special occasions]. One could describe the look as quite prim and proper.

And as i made my journey down the driveway with a just lit cigarette, i noticed a black car [what kind, i didn't examine that closely] stop beside me. Thinking that the driver had stopped to inform me that the end of my skirt had tucked itself under and allowed my arse to expose itself, i paused and consciously pulled down my skirt.

The woman behind the wheel stopped to ask if i needed a ride.

A ride? Where did all this generosity come from? I questioned whether karma was treating me well today. I was perfectly ok with waiting for a taxi but oh well.

I know my parents told me never to accept candy or rides from strangers. But those milliseconds of sussing this person out, i figured she seemed harmless [don't they all]. Once in her car i checked around to make sure she wasn't going to bash my head with any object or some midget was hiding in the back seat waving a blade around like a crazed Chucky.

I then asked if she lived in the same compound but she went on to say she was dropping off a friend. More specifically her girlfriend. So i'm thinking, females nowadays loosely use the term "girlfriend" when referring to a friend who happen to be a female. So i didn't think much about it. I reckon she was in her late 20s, OK-looking, she seemed pleasant/honest looking even though she hid behind her D&G sunnies.

Was that a fashion statement or was she in fact cross-eyed?

Never mind that it was cloudy and the sky was spitting. Our short 5 minute or so drive meant our conversation was limited to what we do for a living. She continued to ramble on about how she worked as a freelance modeling agency and how she used to do cat walks... blah blah blah.

When approaching my office i thanked her and said it was nice meeting her. She replied with, "That's ok, just make sure next time you see me you say hi. Make sure yea!?" As if she wanted me to "pinky swear" right after.

So i'm thinking, hang on!

That's a strange way to say bye. Sounding slightly possessive perhaps? Has she seen me before and i've just been so blur that i hadn't payed attention? I have issues remembering what i did yesterday, how am i going to remember a complete stranger especially since i only got to see the left side of her face and she was seated the whole time.

But nevertheless, i thought that was quite nice of her to give a complete stranger a lift. I'd like to think it's because i made an effort to look nice today. But my colleague is convinced it's the rose quartz that i had on that lured the chick to pick me up.

NAH! I don't think so. Maybe there are nice people in this world after all *shrugs*
...

On other news, a certain someone has invaded my thoughts lately. And that someone, i don't mean my ex. It's probably just a phase, maybe just one of those drunken infatuations. It'll pass... they usually do.

I'm just being silly. I'm just frustrated with work... with life... with everything!

*Goes back to slaving away at work*

Barricades + brick walls

Are they right?

Have i surrounded myself with walls so high up that i've locked myself in? So high in fact that i've actually built myself a stone castle.

This is not how i imagined it to be like.

I never thought i would be the one scared to get into anything serious. One would think boys would have problems with commitment. The one to run away at any sign of anything serious.

I remember at one point i thought the big M was just the next stage after being in a relationship for X amount of years and having a stable job. The fairy tale image of a picket white fence, a pair of well groomed dogs waiting patiently for their master to return from a hard days work whilst the little wife sits pretty with her manicured nails and pearly whites. That image is so cliché, in fact the modern woman today would most likely be the one working late.

Life doesn't all work out so pretty and it is true not everybody has it all.

Yes you can have the job and the independence that you work so hard for but what if one day you realise you've worked so hard not to get hurt that you've numbed your emotions. That one ability to feel love and to be loved. I really think that's sad.

But i never thought i'd end up like this.
.
.
.
I never thought i ever had to get over him.

I thought i had it easy and i probably do in comparison to most. We all have issues, sometimes i just have trouble dealing with them.

So i ask myself, is it unfair to dismiss potentials from trying to bring a little life back in my heart? Probably. I was quite the opposite once upon a time. And i realise i don't wish to be alone but over time i've just learned to be self sufficient, anything else is foreign to me.

And with regards to being played and trying to be a playerette, well it's not exactly a long term goal. You think it feels good to be treated like just a number? It's not. But this is definitely not the dream that i had wished for. We all have urges and deep down we all want to feel happiness whether it's with a loved one or with something one believes in.

So why do i gravitate towards those who want very little of me? A cowardly answer would be i don't know.

...

But it doesn't have to all end sad because today, May 15th [shy of 10 days] was exactly 2 years ago when i was diagnosed and have been on this full dose of my AD. Today is attempt #2 to get my meds HALVED! Previously i had a relapse so had to go back up.

So let's wait and see how the next 4 weeks treats me. If all is good then there's hope to be meds-free after all.

Wish me luck! *crosses fingers*

UV NATION press conference in need of "dancers"

A guy called from EMI Entertainment asked if i was interested to dance for the UV NATION press conference which is on the 17 MAY 2007. Due to various reasons i declined the offer however i did say i'd pass the word around.

Requirements:
They are in need of 3-4 "shufflers" for the PRESS CONFERENCE ONLY at ONE UTAMA 2pm.

Which will mean YES YOU WILL HAVE TO DANCE in front of the media, so don't just turn up looking like a stunned mullet. And in return you will get a free ticket to UV NATION on June 9th..

So if you know someone who isn't camera shy and is willing to spare 2 hours on Thursday 17 MAY 2007 and can dance to the beat of the music.

Feel free to contact the following person ASAP:

EMI Entertainment
Meng
012.3465.333

Cheers!

So many things to do, so little time.

...

And just like THAT my weekend is over.

Slightly stressed because i have a few deadlines to hand in this week [Not much different]. One of which i haven't really started because i've been so occupied with what seems like endless number of changes to another job.

It's a never ending story of unnecessary stress and unrestful sleep. But i guess that's the down side to being in the creative industry. It's moments like these that i wish i had a monotonous job. One that is repetitive and doesn't require my right side of the brain to work over time.

But then reality hits... And i realise i'm just lying.

I'd be bored shitless if i had to do that day in and day out. I guess that's why they say, the grass always seem greener on the other side. Sometimes it gets so chaotic i honestly feel like throwing up. And as my past shows, i do not handle stress very well. I have to constantly remind myself to take a deep breath and exhale.

Nobody likes to work with a cranky bitch. It's only normal to react to stress badly. Don't mind me i'm just bitchin' cause i WANT to run away on a getaway holiday but i CAN'T. I'm FRUSTRATED because of REASONS A through Z. And lately to irritate the whole situation, Satan's Spawn has decided to show HIS REVENGE/BOREDOM/HATRED by pissing on my duvet! And because of that... he is banned from my bedroom!

PRIORITIES LIST for this week:

1. Complete ALL deadlines
2. Do write up for NEW event
   
3. Sort out laundry
   
4. Be domesticated
5. Get Satan's Spawn SCHNIPPED
6. Possibly get my meds officially halved!
7. Pose for passport photos
8. Renew E.U passport
9. Pay credit card bills

*Takes her thoughts and frolics elsewhere*

One shade darker + a belly full of alcohol = my weekend.

The past weekend was anything but boring.

I think it may have started when i went to a friends' 21st birthday at Passion. Not only were we surrounded by young blood but we sat perched by one of the tables not too far away from the parents table. We stood out like a bunch of sore thumbs. For a split second i even thought i was back in high school just as the DJ announced that the birthday girl and boyfriend were going to have a COUPLES DANCE.

What the...?

The moment was captured by at least half a dozen giggling girls. It was truly a sight to be seen, so much excitement all fueled by sugar.

So we continued to drink our beers whilst non-alcoholic beverages littered the nearby tables. I honestly can say that was the FIRST sober 21st i've ever been to. But i'm sure once the parents exited, out came the bottles.

By midnight i was already yawning and so i wished the birthday girl farewell.

And as if Life was trying to tell me something, i couldn't help but think... ahhh fuck, CHRISSIE IS AGING! "Seriously... i cannot make it."
.
.
.

Saturday was a classic case of Spur of the Moment deals. Instead of my usual hibernation ritual, by lunch time i found myself spending the day roasting by Mr CANCELLATION's pool with some friends. I figured since it was the weekend, it only made sense to continue on my alcoholic binge.

So lager was the flavor for the arvo.

One shade darker and thankful that i slathered on SPF for once since i am forever guilty for forgetting to apply any protective cover. *Stares at her hands showing signs of aging.*

Seriously, i tan like a bitch and flaunting white skin has never been part of my vocabulary. The closest i've gotten to snow white was being called 'pasty'.

Not the best of looks.

But MAYBE it was the sun...

Or perhaps the beer was responsible for my hasty decision making because i had agreed to go to Velvet later on. YES! The very place i cringe at and for some reason feel out of place. A place filled with pompous bitches and the hub where pretty people congregate. [Which is probably why you'll rarely see me in there]. But i figured, fuck it... i might as well, it's the company that matters.

Slightly sun stroked and eager to show off my one day tan [which wasn't so obvious] i opted for a skirt and heels. And according to Terence, i looked "decent" [which i'm not quite sure if that meant to be a complement or a put down] so i replied with, "Thanks!"

I guess dressing girly has it's advantages. I admit it's nice to hear random compliments sometimes.

And although i bumped into a few faces that were familiar and we had a bit of a chat, the vibe was much different from back in the day. But then again if my memory serves me correctly, those were some interesting days. I guess over time people change and it's one of those things that people just have to accept.

We ain't getting any younger!

But i am happy to announce there was NO scandalous behavior [this time... ehhehe], in fact i kept a low profile and allowed my taste buds adjust to the sweetness of Black Label. I spent a good portion of the night crackin' up as Mr. CANCELLATION acted out his usual BrucelyBrewst self.

And you know what? I even got the whole universal shoulder shimmy dance thang goin on *gasps*

Seriously, it's no wonder so many girls are lovin' it... it's totally ghettoOOooo.

winkris.multiply.com/photos/album/23

Shock horror... Chrissie has a life.

I am alive.

I've just been super busy. In fact, i've actually been quite productive. I lied, i just haven't had time to spew up any thoughts. Oh and i've come to the conclusion that Satan's Spawn hates me.

I'll do a proper update once i upload the photos. Yes... i have a life.

Bass Agents: Rising Personalities Award 2007

There used to be a time that i could stay out all night and still look relatively alive the next day. I won't even begin by telling you how stressed i was yesterday.

So busy looking for a dress to wear at Martell's Rise Above: Rising Personalities Award 2007 that i didn't even have to time to regurgitate my thoughts.

I must have tried on at least a dozen dresses. It had gotten to the point where i was close to hyperventilating [due to a serious case of indecisiveness and sudden sprints around the block]. I even snuck in my camera to take shots of each dress so i could get a second [fifth] opinion from my colleagues.

My only dress i bought was 6 years ago and it still hangs in my closet. [I should really make an effort to dress more like a girl shouldn't i?]

It was six o'clock in the evening by the time i made a decision. At one point i even considered splurging RM700+ on a Ted Baker dress. Why? Because i was desperate for something. In fact ANYTHING flattering that didn't make me look like a wrapped up sausage. I had to drag my very camp colleague so i could get his honest opinion. Even though i was THIS close to charging RM600+ to my name.

I spoke to my dad on the phone and he voiced out his utmost disapproval of me spending THAT much money on a dress. And yes common sense did kick in eventually. And my parents knowing me too well, he saved me from hating myself in the morning.

But the stress of not being able to find a dress and knowing that time was of essence, it overtook my concentration. I found myself sprinting up and down the stairs more times than needed, for the main reason that i couldn't make up my mind on what dress.

Which probably explains why my arse feels like i've just competed in a Step Machine marathon. *thinks* BUNS OF STEEL!

[Check out BA Pimpstress' photos at winkris.multiply.com/photos/album/22]

Chook and i arrived late because we missed the turning AND because i left the office late. Sorry. And as a result we missed the first course but according to Ben we didn't miss that much.

It was a sit down dinner but i was unable to eat majority of the food being served [due to the fact that i don't eat meat. I am a pescatarian]. So whilst Stoopidfish had his plate piled up, i ended up savoring my ONE piece of chocolate. I soon lost interest in my blanched vegetables and turned towards Martell to save me.

I still never got my bread roll.

The hunt for a dress continues...

My mission to find myself a dress is still on the top of my Priorities list.

I made a mad dash around the block during my lunch break looking for SOMETHING that not only looks decent and was within my budget. It was like a scene from a game show where the contestants had to run against the clock to grab what's on their list. There i was barely spending 5 minutes in each store. It was Speed Browsing at it's best.

I thought i found a dress in ENVEE in BV2 that looked promising. So i grabbed the black dress and the sales assistant checked the tag. MEDIUM. I'm not very big so i figured it would fit me right.

YEA RIGHT! I couldn't get the zip even half way up! Was there another fold tucked in somewhere? Did i unzip it completely? I'm sure i stretched the fabric across tight enough.

"Mam, how is the size?" A little voice came out from behind the door.

"Ummm... would you happen to have this in a bigger size by any chance?"

"Not in black but in other colours, yes."

So she handed me the dark blue one. LARGE. [Thinking, this MUST fit me]. Perhaps it's like THAILAND sizes where LARGE was usually very fitting on my frame. Hell, my tits aren't even big enough to flaunt to begin with, why do i even bother? Oh well. I've never owned a dress like this and neither have i tried one on. There's a reason why...

And you know what? I JUST managed to zip the damn dress up. I didn't even get to hook it up on the side!

If i didn't have to sit down, eat or drink [heaven forbid], then POSSIBLY this would be a winner. Mind you i tried this on BEFORE i ate my deep fried fish fillets for lunch.

And it was only for a split moment that i was grateful that i didn't have to lug around big breasts all day long. I swear, there was no way in hell that anymore flesh could be contained in that dress! Any tighter i'd have to worry that my breasts would be embedded into my rib cage and they'd be gone for good!

I've never felt so strapped in before!

I love corsets but i don't own any. But it is no wonder women are so self conscious about their weight. [As she finishes off her cupcake and slice of chocolate cake]. One more looksy after work in BV2 then i'm off to have dinner with my folks who happen to be in KL. Why? It is for my VERY belated birthday and because they LOVE & MISS ME A LOT!

[Damn i knew i shouldn't have left this for the day BEFORE the event but OH WELL].

A Drive-By Dress Drop Off

Somewhere between polishing off a whiskey + water and aiming towards reaching for the ice cubes for another round i mumbled to YC that i hadn't found a dress yet for the Gala dinner. Which was when she blurted out "don't waste your money... you can borrow one of mine".

The thought of me squeezing into one of her dresses seemed like a miracle. But she assured me that i would fit. Which was around the time that i wished i hadn't cancelled my gym membership and had gotten into swimming laps and toning up. But that thought was short lived because i just drowned it with another drink.

So in an intoxicated state i agreed and didn't think much of it.

...

Today was a case of rushing out visuals and trying to get approvals after another. Those last minute changes meant i was glued to the seat wishing i was elsewhere [not much change there].

That was until this afternoon when i received a call from hers truly and she managed to find a few pieces that would fit me. But with my lack of wheels and erratic work schedule, i found myself still in the office later than expected.

A much needed ice cold pint was the next on my agenda. With stress levels rising in the office, a quick getaway to our friendly neighbor was probably the best idea anyone had.

With work stresses and an 8 months old tomcat who has figured out the ultimate way to get my attention in the middle of the night is by pissing on my duvet WHILST i'm sleeping under it, is enough to not only wake me up but start my day in a huff.

Much respect to AnBloodyMumNohMore who has been rushing to complete an Annual Report and despite barely sleeping the past week, she is a mother + holds a full-time job. She had no choice but pick up her 14 months old daughter from the sitter's and bring her to the office after work. So there we were babysitting the little bub for an hour and whilst i sipped on a Tiger it was enough to realise that my maternal instincts had not kicked in!

It wasn't long after did YC and the case of the Drive-By Dress Drop Off happened. And instead of the dodgy pirated DVD swap that usually happens in the area, i returned to the office with 3 cocktail dresses and the responsibility of taking care of someone elses' belongings.

...

I came home and couldn't wait to strip down and hit the shower. Excited to try on the dresses since it had been awhile since i wore anything formal. Unfortunately where i lack in cup size i happily fill out around the waist and various other areas. Maybe i'm just being paranoid but since i cut my hair short it is rare for me to show so much of my back/upper body. My super long hair was my security blanket and with that gone, i'm still trying to adjust to what was hidden behind.

But i just wanna say THANKS SO MUCH YC for letting me try them on anyway.

So if i don't manage to find a dress at BV2 during lunch, i guess i have no choice but look towards my trusty ole' 'so 6 years ago' dress. I foresee Thursday as being a VERY STRESSFUL DAY!

So what if i'm scared. It's much easier this way.

"Did he call?"

"Who called?"

"The guy you went on a date with."

"OH. Him. Yea but i didn't hear my phone and i left it as a missed call"

...

"You know it's not nice to not call back."

"I know, i know. I'll send him a message tomorrow [today]. I just don't want him to think i'm leading him on. In case he gets mixed messages."

"Fair enough. I'm guessing there wasn't an attraction, right? No chemistry. Can i just ask, are you scared of relationships? I understand that you would be especially after what you went through..."

...

And that's when it hit me. Is she right? They say mothers know everything. Have i reached the point that when i meet a person that shows some interest in my background and want me more than a conquest, i'll be the first to run the opposite direction?

"So there was no chemistry?" she said.

I think deep down both my parents wish for me to find a certain someone... a person to keep me happy. Maybe bring a little Life back into my heart. [And again that gawd damn saying, "i ain't getting any younger" is on repeat].

But i honestly, could not imagine myself getting down and dirty with this bloke. As much as i tried to imagine it whilst i sipped my wine and he sat cross legged across from me.

There was NOTHING.

Just how some boys imagine undressing an attractive stranger that walks by. I honestly couldn't see myself ripping off my clothes any time soon in front of this guy and having a raw, sweaty session with this individual.

Seriously, i may be a visual person but if a bloke is somewhat interested but there isn't a smidgen of sexual chemistry going on, chances are i won't let him get past a peck on the cheek. And with the case of Date #2, 2 dates in a row is a HUGE accomplishment for this little lass. I am in no position to be tied down [metaphorically of course]. I am in no rush to be swept off my feet and anything too serious scares me.

When it comes to playing the field i'd rather not know anything about the person but yet i prefer that the other is not a complete stranger. It makes it easier to dismiss should it not work out. Plus when emotions get roped in, that's when it gets messy. Which is where many women fail because they get emotional and forget the no-strings-attached motto.

But is that what i've become ever since i opened my heart and let my emotions get ahead of me. LOOK what happened... it fucked me up big time.

I don't want to get wrapped up in something and risk having it spat back in my face. Which is probably why i have ended up the way i have... Single and using work commitments as my escape. And should opportunities come flying by than so be it, they are just temporary bonuses.

But i have learned to take every moment as it is. I don't hope for anything more and neither do i regret anything that's happened. Trust me, it makes Life easier to digest especially accompanied with a couple of adult beverages.

Scandalous.

To view full set of images they can be viewed at winkris.multiply.com/photos/album/21

She's back!

And when i refer to SHE this time, i am talking about me.

"Chrissie never gets drunk" said stoopidfish. That was until last night came and that was the end of that. Never say never because it's bound to happen. Wasted on beer and whiskey and being the tart that i am. Camwhoring like nobody's business, which i must say there are some pretty good shots.

But seriously, was the full moon out? Had the planets collided? There was something in the air. Something. In fact the past week has been eventful. I'm not complaining, i'm enjoying myself. Everyone was out to have a good time [or perhaps that was just me]. Pashing like there was no tomorrow and later arriving at an after party only to sleep most of the time.

I'm still riding on a slight hangover and trying to string together what happened last night. Scandalous i tell ya! One right after the other.

And you know what? I loved every minute of it.

She keeps me wondering about What If...

I am contemplating whether or not i want to exit my sanctuary. But the blinding sun is out in full glory, it's past mid day and my curtains are still drawn shut. Each time i pass my bed, i can't help but have a lie down.

I have a few errands to do. I lied.

I am tempted to do what most women like to do and that is to spend money. Of course money in the form of plastic. Plastic that i am THIS close to paying off. But there always is a reason to purchase clothes that i don't really need and probably don't have space in my wardrobe for.

But my mission is to look for a dress.

I currently own ONE dress and it hangs in my cupboard and fashionably sports a "so 6 years ago" aura. I'm not a boob tube kinda girl and neither do i like fabric clinging to my body. In other words, i'm quite fussy when it comes to details. Simple is my motto. Which makes me a somewhat easy person to shop with, i'm in and out of stores and i much prefer to go shopping on my own.

But i'm trying hard not to splurge on unnecessary items, at least through the month of May. It is a balancing act but i know it can be done. I just have to learn how to restrain myself.

Oh well, instead i'll treat myself to a few drinks tonight and show some love and support at Baze.

...

Oh, i received another email from HER. I shall rename her LittleMissNaughty.

And once again our past lingers in my thoughts. It's been over a year since we saw one another and how so much has changed since then. It was a mutual infatuated case of Should-Have-Could-Have-Would-Have-But-Didn't.

It may be true that ignorance is bliss but at the same time curiosity and lust still hold hands in its shadow.

i heart tokidoki

+

SHE sort of reminds me of HER

Baze Club soft launch ft DJ Drive

DJ Soft Cock/Agro turns 26

[image courtesy of GettyImages with slight alteration]

Dearest Kenneth aka DJ Soft Cock/Agro,

Whether i was just the raver in Melbourne way back in 2002, the mutual friend or the pimpstress for Bass Agents and HardSequence, all i can say is it's been a great ride.

You may be the first to crack the whip if i'm just a few minutes late to set up the HardSequence presales. You may even get super agro if you receive prank calls especially when you're trying to sleep. And so what if you're the "Soft Cock" when it comes to partying hard.

But that's what makes you... special. You know there's LOVE. And at the end of the day, i'm glad to have you as a friend.

And although we don't chat as often as we used to, that doesn't mean i've forgotten. So BOSS here's wishing you a sexilicious birthday and a less stressful 26th year ahead!

Much love and summersaults,
Chrissie... xox

An attempt to be artsy fartsy...

I spent a huge portion at work wracking my brain trying to come up with a concept but had failed.

Then i received a reminder email from JUICE to say there was a launch up the road at one of the galleries. In fine print it promised finger food and drinks plus the eflyer intrigued me, so i figured why not! After all it was after office hours and so i dragged MissSeniorPisces and SuperHeroShuz to come along with me.

My attempt to bust out of my ordinary schedule and with a glimmer of hope that i might be inspired was all out there. Inspiration for? I'm not quite sure.

But i'm not even going to try and paraphrase what the artist wrote. And as bimbo as this will sound... there's too many words!

To be honest, i'm still trying to figure out what it all meant. But i do have the 36 page booklet for keepsake and designed flyers to add to my collection.

So the girls schmoozed and chit chatted with people they knew. I, on the other hand kept myself busy by taking random photos and making eye with the waiter so i could eat the salmon hors d'oeuvres over and over whilst sipping on a Tiger.

Inside outside Yokohama
Works by Shaun Gladwell and Craig Walsh
Valentine Willie Fine Art Gallery: www.vwfa.net

My past lingers in my subconscious.

I know it probably doesn't mean anything but the re-occurance of my ex in my dreams keeps coming back. If anything they are as casual as us just going on a road trip and just spending time with one another. Just as if we used to once upon a time.

I see more of him in my subconscious than i do in real life. In fact, i cut all contacts with him, for my own selfish reasons to try to get over him. Plus mentally it didn't help the situation. And as much as i'd love to scroll down in my address book and just call to say "hey how are ya?" I stop seconds before hitting the DIAL button.

I miss him.

As a friend of course, after all he was my best friend for 10 years and my boyfriend for 8. In public we both agreed we were more like best friends than the typical boyfriend/girlfriend. Behind closed doors we were like rabbits. I was so in love despite the fact we had barely anything in common.

But as my mom said, it's been 2 years already, he's probably still with his girlfriend and is getting on with his life. In other words, i think it's a good idea that you get along with yours.

I am. I'm trying. They know. I think he knows.

I'm trying to get on with my life but that doesn't mean i don't miss having him in my life.

Whether or not he's still with his girlfriend or even with a new partner, i'd rather just assume that he is. Recently i even dreamt that he was engaged. It gives me a reason to stay away. I'm hoping that he's ok and hopefully he hasn't forgotten about me.

Sometimes i wonder whether he even thinks of me. For all i know he probably reads this blog to check if i'm still alive and isn't the type to intrude.

I remember when he went traveling i would send him detailed emails of my daily activities. He would then comment about how detailed i was and that it helped him imagine how my day was. [I think it was his polite way of saying my long winded-ness was my speciality].

But it's been so long since we spent time with one another. But i'm sure if we were to spend an afternoon with one another it would be like old times.

*Sigh*

Oh well. I guess they're right when they say memories last a lifetime. Suddenly the good outweighs the bad.

Eager Beavers scare me.

So i'm not a pro when it comes to the dating world.

In fact for those readers who have followed will know my last attempt was not only with a complete stranger but someone who didn't even bother to show up and didn't even have the courtesy to explain why. Never mind language was a difficulty and the fact that it was he who initiated the interest. So to conclude Mr. Date #1 was pretty much over before it even started.

Then there is Mr. Date #2. At first my initial impressions were, yea nice guy, likable personality and conversation was plentiful. [Of course alcohol does help with the nerves].

However, which brings me to the point of how long does one wait before they ask to see the person again?

Just to fill you in, i can't remember the last time we saw one another because by the information i gathered it was at least a year ago. And our conversations had only lasted as long as one drink in a crowded smokey club.

So anyway with case #2, during the first date, the "hey... are you interested to watch a movie tomorrow?" was inserted in the conversation casually, just as one would comment about how the weather is and how it might rain soon.

Seriously when a girl is put on the spot and holding a glass of wine, everything seems fine and dandy.

But this is when it gets tricky. 24 hours [i could even say within the 3 hours of agreeing to meet] to have received text messages with the word "Darlin" and "Sweetie" as part of each single text message i think is a bit... much, to say the least. And not long after did the virtual kiss aka "muaks" get added as a sign off.

Here is this semi-stranger who i've JUST got to know [as of 28 hours ago], wanting to spend time with me just out of the blue and who happens to have kept my digits all this while.

But that's not all...

To receive a SMS 4 hours prior to the movie starting and suggesting that he brings over a particular ale that i mentioned i liked in the conversation the night before and that we drink them at my apartment before we watch the premier of Spiderman 3. [Basically inviting himself over].

I'm sorry but unless i know the person well enough or my judgment seems to have been clouded by one too many drinks and i'm wreaking of stale smoke, then chances are that i'll let you into my apartment. With the case of Mr. Date #2, neither of those descriptions were met.

And YES, i did freak out SLIGHTLY

Plus it didn't help that earlier i had forgotten to take my meds because i was preoccupied with work. So when this whole can-i-invade-your-sanctuary-and-let's-drink-ale deal came up, it suddenly got me in this really strange fucked up mood and wishing that the meds would kick in faster.

And apart from my not-quite-there cleavage slightly exposing itself last night [i blame the cut of the fabric], i believe i wasn't sending the wrong signals. And after an emergency phone call to AnBloodyMumNohMore saying he was actually in the area and had bought 2 beers and wanted to come over, she managed to calm me down.

This is when my imagination goes out of control! Stories about stalkers come flooding in and wondering whether or not he'll suddenly lash out and end up taking advantage of me. So i quickly messaged him to say it wasn't convenient for him to come up and that i'd meet him downstairs.

...

I can totally empathize those guys who get a bit stand offish when their first date calls one too many times after their initial meeting. Then to go all out there already offering to drive you places. [But then again, he could be just very polite and helpful. One could never be too sure nowadays].

I don't know about you but as much as the whole Playing Hard To Get game goes, i think it's a complete brain fuck and i'm old enough to know that all that does is lead a person on. But i've also realised that being an Eager Beaver ain't much better either.

Needless to say, i thanked him for the movie and although i am super tired and busy this weekend, hopefully he'll tone down on the gung-ho attitude.

Seriously, let this woman breathe. My brain still hurts and i'm totally knackered.

Nice wine + Good Manners + Smooth Conversation = Digestible

I am alive and was not hijacked by some psychotic stalker.

In fact i had a great evening last night. Fortunately for us there was no awkwardness and i didn't have to slow down my speech nor did i have to repeat myself because i sometimes mumble. No i did not trip up and neither did i dribble wine down my top.

Overall i give the boy credit for his good manners and his punctuality.

He opted to go casual in his 3/4s, tshirt and sandals. But i was slightly over dressed even though i was only wearing my regular jeans, heels and black top. I say "boy" because he is only slightly younger than me, 6 days in fact. So i guess i'm doing ok in the Age department and don't have to worry that he's JUST left his teenage years.

So anyway my efforts of slipping on heels was not put to waste. Although i did forewarn him that me and heels is a rare sight, which i'm thinking he was quite grateful and continued to compliment me. [Or he was just trying to get in my good books and figured that would give him brownie points].

And it was a nice change to know that someone out there is actually interested to find out more about me and was as persistent in taking me out. Apparently the first time we met was way back when i had long hair and i'm talking REALLY long hair down to my hips. And according to him i was quite tipsy at the members bar at Zouk. And after a short chat i disappeared back into the crowd and it had been months since we bumped into one another again.

And before anyone starts thinking did WE do anything nasty, my answer to that is NO. Neither one of us took advantage of one another that night or last night. Our evening ended with him driving me back home in one piece.

But wait, there's more...

"MORE?" You say.

Yeah, i'm guessing half way through our bottle of wine he figured he could handle my long winded side of me and asked whether i wanted to watch a movie and figured he seemed harmless so i agreed. So yes there will be a date #2. So i guess we'll see how tonight goes eh?

But today is Labour Day and AnBloodyMumNohMore and i are champions of Loser Ville. We are both in the office doing work instead of taking advantage of our day off. Let's just hope i don't pass out in the movie theatre because he's only managed to get the 11.30pm tickets because the earlier ones are sold out.