Effexor XR 1 year Anniversary

It had totally slipped my mind but on the 25th of May i've been officially on anti-depressants for 1 year. I had marked it in my filofax, much like i would have scribbled down an important birthday reminder or anniversary. With the words "1 year on Effexor XR" at the top... an important milestone and a reminder how fucked up i REALLY was a year ago. How much i've improved and how painful it is to remember the past.

I also saw my shrink last week too. I had run out of my medication and i was already going without it for a day and my brain was giving me these brain jolts that are uncomfortable and distracting. Telekom was late, so i arrived late for my appointment in a very pissed off mood. I called repeatedly to apologise and hoping that my doc hadn't run off to see another patient (which is what happened with my first shrink i used to see. I was late by 15 minutes and the fucktard had gone to the other hospital in Sunway... i was stressed and was in no mood).

So there i sat trying to recollect what the past 2 months was like. Whilst she scribbled some chicken scratchings in my file. I explained that i've been really busy moving and that i haven't really had time to do much else. It was as if i had cut away an imaginary anchor that had held me hostage. Leaving behind an apartment that only depressed me even more the longer i was there.

Plus having just resigned and officially no longer an employee at a company that only fed my anxiety and depression on a daily basis was a huge relief. Feeling unappreciated and over worked had steered me towards a burn out and eventually left me crying for help. Constantly having to remind myself on a daily basis to accept my failed relationship and to keep such negativity in the past. But how can you forget something that was part of you for nearly half your life? But lets not get into that shall we.

So with the new move and the new found motivation to actually get my life into order. I was informed that in 2-3 weeks time my medication dosage will be reduced by half... yay, fuckin' yea! Let's see how things go and i'm hoping for my own financial sake, i can continue on half my current dosage. My medication and consultation ends up being about RM800 each time and this medication only lasts me for a month. I can't NOT take it otherwise my relapse will be worse and because i'm on such a high dosage now, my brain can't handle not being on it.

It's all so fucked up, i just want it to be over. But as my doctor was talking to the nurse on the phone, there was these mini leaflets that caught my eye. In big bold type it said "Knowledge about Depression"... it was promoting a local site that deals with depression, it's called my.depnet.com so i took the liberty of taking one of them and poppin it in my bag for keepsake.

There are still moments when i think, i just want to crawl into a corner and just let time eat its way at me. I'm coming to a point where i want to believe that everything is going towards a positive side... which evidently it is. And to give up now on wanting such happiness and being able to free from myself from my daemons and my fucked up past, would mean i would have wasted all that effort. I just have to hang on JUST A LITTLE MORE longer.

I want to believe that i will find someone who cares for me and that i will care for him in return. That i will find someone who will accept me for who i am and have faith in my courage to battle it through. I like to think that being envious of others who seem to have it all, is just a way for me to be just that LITTLE bit stronger. But it is my past that has made me the person that i am today. Without it, who knows what kind of person i would have turned out to be.