Yesterday i forgot to take my medication.
I was so pre occupied with trying to find my fucking cordless black phone that i used in Melbourne [which i'd like to add i have NOT found]. After looking through boxes and opening cupboards, i managed to find just about everything else except what i originally was looking for. I flipped through all photographs which sparked so many great memories. Captured images that had temporarily been erased from my thoughts.
Anyway back to my brain issues. A reminder that i have forgotten to take my Effexor XR, my brain decides to have these brain zaps/jolts... it's like a dull headache soon followed with a jolt to the brain. Difficult to explain if you have no idea what the fuck is going on. Believe me, when i experienced it the first time, i thought i was going crazy. I was freaked out cause i literally thought my head was being thrown about like rollercoaster.
Ok imagine your brain being a dishwashing sponge. You've just finished washing and you're squeezing the sponge to get rid of the excess water [this is how it feels, your brain is being squished at pressure points]. Then just before you put down the sponge, your automatic reflex is to shake the sponge that is in your hand [this is when your brain feels, for a split second. thrown about and back to its' original place, THAT's what the jolt feels like. Or imagine those mosquito zappers, shaped like a tennis racket, the contraption that ends a mozzie's life... it's like that but not fatal of course].
Yea, it's totally fucked up and puts me in a bad mood each time. It fucks up my concentration and creeps up on ya and the feeling just escalates the longer i go without it. I hate it. And obvious sign that i am not normal JUST YET.
I had weird dreams that were staged in my townhouse in Melbourne. Somebody was trying to break into my house. I had a cat and a big labrador, that kept crapping all over the place. And at one point a chicken. Then i was in a shopping mall and an announcement was made to look for this healer. Suddenly staircases heading towards the heavens appeared... which eventually lead me out to this pristine, mountain covered area... it was beautiful. It was picture postcard perfect. Which then lead to a banquet in a hotel ballroom that was packed with people eating desserts. So yea, eventually woke up around 1pm and felt like shit.
My eyes were itchy like fuck and my brain was feeling squished... yay, fuckin yea for me! I remembered after lunch, that i better take my meds otherwise imma pass out. My head was throbbing from a headache but i took those two pink coloured capsules with 75mg on it... and waited. I'm not supposed to stop taking my medication, as my current dosage is high and not taking my meds would result in such jolts [which is what my doc said]. She would rather get me off Stilnox and eventually off my anti-depressants. In 2 weeks i'm supposed to start being weaned off my meds... oOOooooer.
Since moving apartments and resigning from my job, the accumalated stress in the past year or so, is starting to catch up. Not only am i back to losing hair. But my moods are going all haywire. I know this feeling... it's not nice. I don't know whether it's the fact that i was late in taking my meds but i've been sooOoo lethargic and have no desire to even go outside. I even crawled back into bed just now for a good few hours.
But my brain jolts have stopped. As they usually do once i take my dose. I'm wondering how my body will react by the time i'm down to 75mg [half the dosage that i'm currently on]. I've read many horrific withdrawal stories of patients on the same medication. And honestly, i can't afford to have a relapse... not now, not ever.
Apparently, having a relapse is a lot worse than the climax of depression. Which is why i have to be weaned off the meds SLOWLY and allow time for my body to adjust to the reduced consumption. I've read stories of people on medication for years! I've only celebrated my first year, i wonder if by next year i will no longer be on it?
Maybe it's the anxiety of starting my new job or having to deal with such huge changes in my life. I don't know. Well i did a bit of a google search and came across this site. So for any of you who are on the same medication (Effexor XR) and are about to be weaned off... have a read... Oh and an interesting site i came across, it's the person doing research on the drug and is currently getting off it. She blogs about each day and documents the withdrawal stages... http://stuffiwannasay.blogspot.com/
Well it's been 3 days staying at my folks place. Not entirely relaxed and trying to get rid of this fucked up mood his been a challenge. My mom gets excited when things aren't done properly and things must be done then and there. Our personalities often clash and with her impatience and my attitude, often yelling occurs. [But let's not get into that]. I've tried my best to keep my cool but sometimes it totally pisses me off and i just walk off... At times i'm like a melting pot for Anger.
I'm still in my wanky arse mood since yesterday and just got off the phone with my dad, who's in JB. If anything, he knows exactly when i'm not feeling up to par as soon as i say hello, he's just as worried as my mom i think. He gave me words of advice and once he was done preaching, i started to cry and i have no idea why.
And suddenly... i'm not really in any mood to talk to anyone.
I was so pre occupied with trying to find my fucking cordless black phone that i used in Melbourne [which i'd like to add i have NOT found]. After looking through boxes and opening cupboards, i managed to find just about everything else except what i originally was looking for. I flipped through all photographs which sparked so many great memories. Captured images that had temporarily been erased from my thoughts.
Anyway back to my brain issues. A reminder that i have forgotten to take my Effexor XR, my brain decides to have these brain zaps/jolts... it's like a dull headache soon followed with a jolt to the brain. Difficult to explain if you have no idea what the fuck is going on. Believe me, when i experienced it the first time, i thought i was going crazy. I was freaked out cause i literally thought my head was being thrown about like rollercoaster.
Ok imagine your brain being a dishwashing sponge. You've just finished washing and you're squeezing the sponge to get rid of the excess water [this is how it feels, your brain is being squished at pressure points]. Then just before you put down the sponge, your automatic reflex is to shake the sponge that is in your hand [this is when your brain feels, for a split second. thrown about and back to its' original place, THAT's what the jolt feels like. Or imagine those mosquito zappers, shaped like a tennis racket, the contraption that ends a mozzie's life... it's like that but not fatal of course].
Yea, it's totally fucked up and puts me in a bad mood each time. It fucks up my concentration and creeps up on ya and the feeling just escalates the longer i go without it. I hate it. And obvious sign that i am not normal JUST YET.
I had weird dreams that were staged in my townhouse in Melbourne. Somebody was trying to break into my house. I had a cat and a big labrador, that kept crapping all over the place. And at one point a chicken. Then i was in a shopping mall and an announcement was made to look for this healer. Suddenly staircases heading towards the heavens appeared... which eventually lead me out to this pristine, mountain covered area... it was beautiful. It was picture postcard perfect. Which then lead to a banquet in a hotel ballroom that was packed with people eating desserts. So yea, eventually woke up around 1pm and felt like shit.
My eyes were itchy like fuck and my brain was feeling squished... yay, fuckin yea for me! I remembered after lunch, that i better take my meds otherwise imma pass out. My head was throbbing from a headache but i took those two pink coloured capsules with 75mg on it... and waited. I'm not supposed to stop taking my medication, as my current dosage is high and not taking my meds would result in such jolts [which is what my doc said]. She would rather get me off Stilnox and eventually off my anti-depressants. In 2 weeks i'm supposed to start being weaned off my meds... oOOooooer.
Since moving apartments and resigning from my job, the accumalated stress in the past year or so, is starting to catch up. Not only am i back to losing hair. But my moods are going all haywire. I know this feeling... it's not nice. I don't know whether it's the fact that i was late in taking my meds but i've been sooOoo lethargic and have no desire to even go outside. I even crawled back into bed just now for a good few hours.
But my brain jolts have stopped. As they usually do once i take my dose. I'm wondering how my body will react by the time i'm down to 75mg [half the dosage that i'm currently on]. I've read many horrific withdrawal stories of patients on the same medication. And honestly, i can't afford to have a relapse... not now, not ever.
Apparently, having a relapse is a lot worse than the climax of depression. Which is why i have to be weaned off the meds SLOWLY and allow time for my body to adjust to the reduced consumption. I've read stories of people on medication for years! I've only celebrated my first year, i wonder if by next year i will no longer be on it?
Maybe it's the anxiety of starting my new job or having to deal with such huge changes in my life. I don't know. Well i did a bit of a google search and came across this site. So for any of you who are on the same medication (Effexor XR) and are about to be weaned off... have a read... Oh and an interesting site i came across, it's the person doing research on the drug and is currently getting off it. She blogs about each day and documents the withdrawal stages... http://stuffiwannasay.blogspot.com/
Well it's been 3 days staying at my folks place. Not entirely relaxed and trying to get rid of this fucked up mood his been a challenge. My mom gets excited when things aren't done properly and things must be done then and there. Our personalities often clash and with her impatience and my attitude, often yelling occurs. [But let's not get into that]. I've tried my best to keep my cool but sometimes it totally pisses me off and i just walk off... At times i'm like a melting pot for Anger.
I'm still in my wanky arse mood since yesterday and just got off the phone with my dad, who's in JB. If anything, he knows exactly when i'm not feeling up to par as soon as i say hello, he's just as worried as my mom i think. He gave me words of advice and once he was done preaching, i started to cry and i have no idea why.
And suddenly... i'm not really in any mood to talk to anyone.
5 comments:
hmm... my mom is on Effexor XR... and I guess I never did try to understand how it must have felt to be on meds... but hey, nothing is really as bad as it seems...
"Some things in life are bad,
They can really make you mad,
Other things just make you swear and curse,
When you're chewing life's gristle,
Don't grumble,
Give a whistle
And this'll help things turn out for the best.
And...
Always look on the bright side of life." ;P
well k, that's the difference between someone who IS on meds and someone who isn't is obvious. The one who isn't will never truly understand the magnitude of how mind crippling it is to go through such ordeal.
Not only having to deal with a mental illness but to depend solely on a medication to keep one sane is quite disturbing.
Yes it is easy to pat someone on the back and say "it'll be alrite" but for the one who suffers, that may be one of the last things they want to hear. The mind is a powerful tool and has ways of doing more harm than good.
At the end of the day, most patients just want to be heard. It is a lot easier to think positive when you're in the right state of mind. However, if for that moment optimism is not a priority, it makes the situation more challenging.
But i appreciate your attempt at shining some light on my issue.
regarding the hair issue, i had a massive spot on the left side of my head, i stopped working in sept last year, and also removed all the things in my life I wasn't happy with. I am pleased to announce that its all grown back and no other spots have come back at all. The last time I had a full head of hair (that had nothing to do with pregnancy hormones which works wonders by the way) was 99/00 so thats saying something!!
MMy advice on the whole thing REMOVE all elements that don't make you happy!!
p/s i go back to work in august so i've got the hats on the ready..
You are prob right in that I will nvr truly understand... I just don't know what to do... From the perspective of being family, I don't know what to do or how to make things better... I figured saying "it'll be alright" wouldn't work but I don't think that keeping quiet or staying away is the solution too...
farrah: hun, has it still not grown back? I remember u showing me the last time.
Well i just noticed mine a few weeks back, i wouldn't be surprised if there'd be another one lurking somewherelse.
OoOooer, well done with goin back to work in august... good luck!
With regards to eliminating evils from my life, well i'm starting to do that. And yea, step by step *not meant to be bursting out with a New Kids On the Block song*... *Cringe*
K: well i'm lucky to have really supportive parents and a sister. It's a battle that nobody else can get through except that person. It's totally unpredictable... it is indeed horrible but they do say is curable.
I guess for your mom, just for her to know that you'll be there to support and listen to her is what she might need... that's what's helped me. Acknowledge it and maybe even do research online to TRY and understand what she's going through. You may even want to ask her on her GOOD DAYS, how she is.
When she's ready to talk, she will. But treat her with care. As it is, it's difficult to deal with, let alone try and not shield her loved ones with her own daemons.
Post a Comment