Yesterday wasn't exactly one of my "good" days. Not only was i emotional, edgy and circulating around my dark cloud but the whole confrontation just put me into one of my moods.
So in times like those, i'd rather waste my time in the supermarket buying groceries so i can feed myself. Ended up cooking pasta + tuna + roasted tomatoes and sat in front of the tv. I didn't bother lurking around the internet or eavesdropping on blogs. I ate. I watched. I took my magic pill. I slept. I woke up. I slept. I woke up again.
Maybe i am very 'private' person. People in general make assumptions about others based on their looks and how outgoing they are. I'm no different, i do it out of habit. But in my reality, i live a semi-quiet life. Probably more quiet than anybody thinks.
I have a pool of friends that i consider close and i'm sure if i were in trouble, they would be there to help. Although, i probably only consider them close because i see them more than anybody else. What i tell them may just be the same as i tell anybody else, plus or minus a few facts and stories. But in the recent months i have taken a step back and excluded myself from them. Not because i feel sorry for myself but because i don't want the way i am to affect them and plus i feel that i'm in a different place in my life. I've lost interest in many things that i loved so much, for reasons i don't know. I'm not lazy, i just really cannot be fuct. If it weren't for HS or BAXX events, i doubt i'd see them at all. I don't blame people since it has nothing to do with them... it never did.
Which is where that sentence i loathe comes in... "It's not you, it's me".
Some of you may ask yourself but she looked fine yesterday. What's wrong with her now? Well i can't answer you. I don't know. If i knew, you think i'd be like this. I make every effort to surround myself with things i like, whether it's purchasing new luxuries or as simple as cooking myself dinner. Trying to take care of myself, just so ONE DAY i will bounce back and be the person that i am meant to be. [Maybe i should be hypnotised that way i can go deep into my subconscious and find out the source of all my issues].
I have even considered looking for a new shrink. I have come to terms that i don't fully trust anyone. So how much can i say to a total stranger? She's there to listen, pitch in her 2 cents and sign off my prescriptions, that's all. Maybe the whole 3rd time lucky approach, will help. That's not to say my current one is bad, if anything she's like a mother figure and she's comforting. But i don't need sympathy, i need someone to tell me what is wrong with me.
Impatient? Very. Frustrated? Definitely. Tired of it all? Yes. Lonely? I have my moments.
So in times like those, i'd rather waste my time in the supermarket buying groceries so i can feed myself. Ended up cooking pasta + tuna + roasted tomatoes and sat in front of the tv. I didn't bother lurking around the internet or eavesdropping on blogs. I ate. I watched. I took my magic pill. I slept. I woke up. I slept. I woke up again.
Maybe i am very 'private' person. People in general make assumptions about others based on their looks and how outgoing they are. I'm no different, i do it out of habit. But in my reality, i live a semi-quiet life. Probably more quiet than anybody thinks.
I have a pool of friends that i consider close and i'm sure if i were in trouble, they would be there to help. Although, i probably only consider them close because i see them more than anybody else. What i tell them may just be the same as i tell anybody else, plus or minus a few facts and stories. But in the recent months i have taken a step back and excluded myself from them. Not because i feel sorry for myself but because i don't want the way i am to affect them and plus i feel that i'm in a different place in my life. I've lost interest in many things that i loved so much, for reasons i don't know. I'm not lazy, i just really cannot be fuct. If it weren't for HS or BAXX events, i doubt i'd see them at all. I don't blame people since it has nothing to do with them... it never did.
Which is where that sentence i loathe comes in... "It's not you, it's me".
Some of you may ask yourself but she looked fine yesterday. What's wrong with her now? Well i can't answer you. I don't know. If i knew, you think i'd be like this. I make every effort to surround myself with things i like, whether it's purchasing new luxuries or as simple as cooking myself dinner. Trying to take care of myself, just so ONE DAY i will bounce back and be the person that i am meant to be. [Maybe i should be hypnotised that way i can go deep into my subconscious and find out the source of all my issues].
I have even considered looking for a new shrink. I have come to terms that i don't fully trust anyone. So how much can i say to a total stranger? She's there to listen, pitch in her 2 cents and sign off my prescriptions, that's all. Maybe the whole 3rd time lucky approach, will help. That's not to say my current one is bad, if anything she's like a mother figure and she's comforting. But i don't need sympathy, i need someone to tell me what is wrong with me.
Impatient? Very. Frustrated? Definitely. Tired of it all? Yes. Lonely? I have my moments.
6 comments:
Stinky, that's the thing....I honestly DON'T think there is anything "wrong" with you. You are who you are. you've had a lot of shit to deal with and you're still sad/upset/frustrated about all of it. That doesn't mean there's a label for you. That's kinda what I was saying yesterday....
You go to this lady hoping she'll say "Ok, you have.....blah...and here's the medication to stop you from being that way."
Life doesn't work that way for real people.
Are you in need of someone to talk to? Definitely. But do I honestly feel that taking medications is going to help you in the long term? no. You MUST face what it is that is haunting you. You may not know it immediately but that's not something someone else can know about you.
You are single now. You are alone. There's a difference between that and being a lonely person. You have all these things that would make most people completely contented with their lives. You graduated Uni with HONOURS (hello smartypants! :P) You have a great job. From the looks of things your new coworkers are as kooky as you and you all seem to like each other. You have a great new flat with a POOL (lucky devil!). You have the sesksiiiiii new mac book. You have a family that loves you. YOu have the kind of friends that helped you move your stuff from one flat to another. You have your awesome contestant numba 2 BAXX stuff. You have all these things and somehow deep inside yourself you don't like who you are (this is what I read from a post you had a while back).
Do you think that having a relationship will give you the definition of what makes you YOU? No way.
You've given control of your life over to your shrink....to the medication. You give up control when you drink so much. You negate the helpfulness of your thyroid meds when you do that. how do you expect your body/soul/mind to feel better when you don't recognise what it is you need to actually DO? Take back control of your life and realise that you are a valuable person.
You're thinking just shut up Boobers, you have no fucking clue what you're talking about, as usual. Well feel free to delete my comment.
It's true, I'm not an expert on depression or anything else that you think is wrong with you. I'm just your sister. At the end of the day what I think you need more than anything else is not sympathy as you say.
You need someone to tell you to wake the hell up, get your shit together and take back your life. Only you can do it. And you have to truly want it. Because you have a GREAT life. You are a WONDERFUL person.
As someone that has wasted a huge amount of her own life, I am telling you the only way to stop going in circles is to recognise that there IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU. Just the way you've chosen to handle things. You can fix that. You have to believe that will be ok without all the crutches that you have for yourself right now. It's difficult but true independence lies with realising you can do anything you want. Especially being in control of your own life.
I love you!!!! <3
no comment.
My initial reaction to your comment was i was pissed off. I don't expect ANYONE to understand how i feel. And to even try to explain to somebody else let alone my own family what it's like is no where close to what truly goes on.
As i once i said, even if i truly HATED the cruelest being on earth, having him/her go through dep. even i wouldn't want such misery on them.
With regards to my medication, i can't just stop. If i could pick at my brains to remove the extreme discomfort and pain... i would. It's so very hard to explain to you how horrible it is even if my dose is late by a few hours. And often means more harm than good.
YOU HAVE NO IDEA how much i HATE being on this medication and having attempted to be weaned off it once before but having a relapse was like a year ago and was extreme hell. Ask mom and dad.
Really there is no point in trying to explain it to you or to anybody.
With regards to the single and alone part. Yes to both and for you to say whether or not i'm lonely or not, is not your place to say. Do some research, read what other "depressed" people have to say... and i will have to agree with them. It is LONELY when nobody we know seems to understand what we're going through! THAT is what i mean by I AM LONELY!
Maybe it is my fault that i don't tell you or anybody else anything but just because i have people that love and care for me, does not mean that i am fulfilled and therefore cannot feel like i don't belong here.
No i don't need a relationship to help me out. I had my recent one to fuck me up so bad that i can't even think about being in one.
Yes i have had the best fucking education, a job that people are envious of, yes i have disposable income that allows me to do what i want and when i want. Yes i have all the pretty things that i need. BUT AS MUCH AS ANYONE shoves all that information in my face and every day i remind myself of it... IT DOESN'T FUCKING HELP ME... YES I WANT TO BE BETTER! YES I WANT TO HELP MYSELF, why the fuck do you think i'm doing this for?
It's so easy to get a slap in the face to say WAKE THE FUCK UP! Oh nothing really is wrong with you... you'll be better soon... I'm sorry but that's the last thing anyone wants to hear from anyone.
I just wrote you a blog entry but there are certain things in here now that I want to respond to separately.
The point of my whole.......thing up there was that you need to identify what is causing all of this. The events that made you feel this way. I'm not just talking about breaking up with someone....I mean even way before that. I could speculate on things I think contributed but that's not for me to say here.
If the medication is making you feel that way then something drastic has to be done. I'm not saying to throw away your medication and hope for the best. But definitely see about getting another shrink.
Obviously a great portion of how you feel seems to be a result of your medication.....they were prescribed as a "solution" to what you were feeling before and has turned it into something even worse I think.
You need to find someone who is going to help you find ways to deal with your issues and who you are without medication. Even if that means that for a short time you go through personal hell getting off the meds and getting them out of your system.
Because of the kind of personality you have whether they admit it or not, people are scared of being real with you. They're scared of how you're going to react or what you'll say to them. Well I'm not here to flounder around and just beat around the bush.
If you don't like what I have to say, then fine....you are going to ignore me.
Until you figure out how to heal yourself you are never going to be satisfied with anything anyone tells you. I'll leave it at that. I'm not going to continue this anymore and I'm sorry I even replied to these posts.
I've said what I've wanted to say at my blog. It's how I truly feel about you and this. I'm not going to comment anymore. I'm here if you want to talk but whatever it is, I'll leave that up to you.
as much as I hate "lables" I found this site and wanted to leave this for you to look over.
If you have felt no progress then perhaps a misdiagnosis of what they think you have is the problem.
http://www.isitreallydepression.com/mini_c/Isitreallydepression/
Thanks. And i appreciate the phone call.
And with regards to what you suggested... i am willing to consider it.
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